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Relative-Cicada1553 Archive

View 0 posts and 56 comments by Relative-Cicada1553 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

I was lucky in as much that she moved out. So I went room by room. Took pictures, videos, everything. "What do you want?" "I want all the tools and electronics." "Done. They'll be in the garage from 1:00 pm to 2:00pm" If she had controlled the stuff, it would have been hell on earth. She would use the toaster as a hostage. I'd sooner just restart.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 02:55 AM
2

Boundaries are important.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 05:47 PM
1

She'll probably catch up to you in CA. She can serve by publication then pin you with an MSC. She might be able to get arrears too. I wouldn't recommend doing this just to frustrate. Courts will notice. And you'll have a lot of 'splaining to do. My wife did a lot of these tricks. Opposite situation I know. But she ultimately lost alimony in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 02:40 AM
1

Consults are often free. A lawyer will probably be in the $250 - $500 / hr range. Definitely not cheap. They usually work open ended from a coffer called a retainer. My family lawyer fees added up to about $19k for the lawyer alone. There are too many questions which need context and location to answer. But in general, the big ticket items are child support, alimony, the house, savings, debt, and "stuff." Ask questions like "What's the most likely outcome?" "Where should I live during separation…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 05:47 PM
1

I had a good outcome. But it was blind luck. I was heavily involved throughout. I didn't trust my lawyer and kept gathering legal info from wherever I could.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 10:22 PM
5

Bring the scope down to a week. Figure out what you can do this week. Ignore the rest. It's noise. I was surfing with a friend during my divorce when I realized I was now a renter. We were talking about his home renovation. It was super involved. He had to rent a place for six months while they added another story to his home. And he was telling me the horror stories of finding a place to rent, the craziness of the renter's market. I literally freaked out. I apologized, went back to shore, went …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 09:35 PM
1

That's an evil thing to do. If they're chipped, you can probably search just with a call to humane society, pound, etc. I hope it all works out.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:44 PM
1

Look up QDRO. Fidelity, Schwabb, etc all honor it. It will split a 401k pretax without penalties. The pension is a dark art. There are so many variables there that it will be guessing. It depends on vesting, years of service, life expectancy, and so forth. I bought my ex out of our pension. And I'm really happy with that.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 06:21 PM
5

Dog park. Much more organic conversations. I think you have the age group right - a decade younger. But a cold approach can be startling. A lot of women walk/jog with pepper spray and suspect they'll be raped any second now. I think the worst thing about dating women 50+ is that they kept the house, kept the kids, and kept the retirement package. They are not looking for a financial partner in crime. They are looking for a one-way support person between goat yoga and the chiropractor. OR, they a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 05:16 PM
3

Get organized early. If you don't care about your privacy, put everything you can on google drive. Google automatically looks into PDFs, word docs, all of it. It'll index everything. You can search your stuff just like you can search the web. Google is evil. And they will know everything. I just don't much care myself. [Edit] I'm talking about stuff like credit card statements. Never store passwords on google drive. If you need to ask her, then quietly figure out the answer on your own. This per…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 01:31 AM
6

I initiated under the same conditions. 20+ year marriage. Early 50s. My youngest just finished school. My ex went scorched earth. Prep ahead of time.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 09:55 PM
5

My ex's cousin went through something similar. His wife totally let him have it. In their case, CA, any adult can supervise visits - neighbor, family friend, whoever. But it has to be agreed by both parents. So she always refused. The courts still gave him the right to court supervision. But it cost money. And his wife would change availability (kids are sick) on a moment's notice, so he had to pay the costs and not get the visit. The guy died of cancer within a few years. Those kids are going t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 09:05 PM
9

You get a stick. And you scrape it off. Make sure to get in the treads too.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 02:44 AM
2

I could have written this. I feel for you brother. I hated my house. My furnace caused a small explosion when lit and required a contortionist to replace. The previous flipper put in carpet so bad that my dogs nails brought up loops. The thing that bothered me the most is my [it zaps my brain] ex wife dragged out the divorce because she likes needles more than money. She was a recursive bitch. So we missed a huge wave of equity. The 2% loans began fading by year 1 into my divorce. And they were …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 01:20 AM
2

My friend, you need a lawyer. And I am not a lawyer. So don't take anything I say as gospel. You're coming up on FL-100 late in the process. This form kicks off divorce (or legal separation) and establishes temporary orders for spousal support. Anything over 10 years is a long duration marriage by CA definition. Spousal support will likely follow. And status quo might be the baseline. You can stop mixing finances any time you want. Date of separation establishes that. If the car was bought after…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 05:43 PM
23

I've never met a teacher who was not strung out over grading kindergarten tests. Meanwhile, the school parking lot empties at 2:01 pm sharp. Teachers are the biggest whiners ever. Nurses are a close second. So I get your take. But I think the summer off thing is a perk of the profession and not easily surrendered.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 06:10 PM
1

Who is offering this? The mediator and her? If it's a marital asset, 7% is ridiculous. If it's a partial asset, like she owned a million dollar home minus $50k of payments, and you help pay off the last bit, 93/7 might be plausible. Dunno your jurisdiction. In CA, spouses are given about two years to figure it out themselves. A judge is minimally involved except to unstick any blockers. The schedule of assets and debts isn't usually even given to the court unless someone is stealing stuff or it …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 07:22 PM
1

Seconded. You can get a ballpark idea of pension "value" by running a present value calculation with some conservative parameters. But it's all crystal ball stuff. PV depends on your health, planned retirement age, COLAs, and the general health of the economy. There's no way to predict all the numbers accurately. Whoever gets the pension gets the risks and headaches of maximizing a defined benefit. Whoever gets the cash gets a solid one time lump of cash with no future risk to worry about except…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 09:14 PM
4

I found my lawyer from online dating. And oddly, that's about the best reference system out there. Lawyers are review-proof.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 06:23 PM
5

I gave up on a lot of stuff. Litigation became more expensive than the disputed dollar amount. So I just ate anything less than 5k. Keep a record of it all. If she ever decides to bring you to court for something petty, bring all the paperwork.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 05:52 PM
7

She got a new friend group. I didn't recognize anyone. My ex was stupid enough to do everything they said. The group always saw the worst intentions in my actions. Crazy. I tried to tell my stbx that the group was vicariously having her burn all possible bridges. And my ex said she was fine with that. I filed a bit later. I didn't file to divorce. I mean, I did. But my real intentions were to uncouple my finances from her and the Man Hater Club friend group. And that happens with filing. It's be…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:54 PM
1

I definitely would not drive to orientation. I-10 sucks. 40 sucks too. Get a there and back flight. Carve out some time for yourself from the orientation. An hour walk around campus is not a bad idea. Without the ex of course. And I'd check out the dorm rooms if he's staying there. Make sure to plan it with your son.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 11:12 PM
18

The marriage rate is at an all new low. So, it's working. Keep telling the younger generation of guys that marriage will ruin them.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 10:43 PM
1

Are you sure she didn't mean a rent back lease? Those are legitimately helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 02:12 AM
7

Just don't get attached. Ask me how I know.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 03:11 AM
1

I've thought about offering an olive branch. But then I remember how frustrating it was to even get PINs during the divorce. Small item, but that's kind of the point. She fought over everything. Life is far more peaceful without her.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 09:57 PM
2

CA is a roll of the dice. I was in a similar battle. And the divorce very heavily favored me, a guy. I made it through an almost 20 year marriage without alimony. Similar, provable domestic violence. It really depends on the judge, if he/she has enough fiber each day. My ex dragged her feet until the 18th month. My lawyer mentioned an MSC. Be careful if you do this route tho. Anything can happen. You can easily end up worse for it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 05:49 PM
4

No red flags there. I guess we're all here because we ignored the red flags.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 12:30 AM
3

Get him out of the house. Go for walks. Talk to him. My son helped me with all of these. I feel guilty for leaning on him in all honesty. It's not my proudest moment as a father. But yeah, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm proud of him for anticipating and helping. You're a good daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 11:06 PM
1

That'd be like calling Pyongyang and saying a raptor is inbound.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 12:53 AM
6

Open house is the best. Do kids attend tho? Mine never did. I loved playing gags on my kids when they were K5. They had assigned desks and no classroom changes. I put giant pencils inside their desks. Added those little cylinders that go moo. Beanie with a propellor. I looped the teacher in of course.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 10:08 PM
2

It depends on jurisdiction. In CA, for example, all debt and assets accrued in marriage are 50/50. Debt and assets become solo at "the date of separation" - a loose term for one or the other saying (preferably in writing) that they intend to divorce. So you may already be decoupled. But this is just CA. It differs by state. QDRO is the typical method of splitting savings like 401k or pensions. The house has some creative options like loan assumption and what not which could possible keep the 2% …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 08:50 PM
7

Better to find out in your 20s and before kids. You'll hear this a lot from older people like me. You can rebuild. Don't worry, life has plans for you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 11:29 PM
1

Pop psychology is the worst.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:56 PM
1

Don't think more than a week ahead. Otherwise, the what-ifs will get you. Go into triage mode and classify stuff as easy wins, keep an eye on it, or nothing to be done. Focus on what you (and your kids?) need in the next seven days. My divorce was a much longer process than I ever expected. And a week was just about the right window of context to keep. Otherwise I would have gone mad. It doesn't mean you don't need a lawyer or don't need to sell the home or whatever else weighs on you. It means …
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:39 PM
1

If I had young kids, I'd probably give them $20 - $50 and let them pick out candy or a few eclairs from a bakery for their mom. It's just as much a gift to the kids as to their mom.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:15 PM
7

Creative Ways to Avoid Alimony for $800 Alex
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 01:59 AM
1

Living together separated would drive me absolutely nuts. Nightmare really. Moving out is typically a one way move. Once it's no longer your residence, I think she can change the locks on you. I'd really suggest a lawyer consult and parenting agreement before moving. I've always heard "open marriage" is the precursor of doom - kind of an egg timer on divorce. Sadly, I think you're right, there's no coming back from it. I hope things work out for you and your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 09:51 PM
2

My therapist introduced me to schema therapy. It's a spin off of cognitive behavior therapy. It's all technique. So once I had the technique... well, I didn't see much reason to continue. So about 6 months. Plus I could see the reflection of him surfing the internet in his glasses in Zoom calls.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:17 PM
4

My ex went through four lawyers. Each was worse than the previous. Meanwhile, my lawyer charged for everything. Every single month brought a $2k bill almost exactly. There were a lot of coasting months where I expected the bill to be $0. But nope. I got billed 2k again. I argued but it did no good. I was on the edge of getting a new lawyer but family convinced me to stick it out. Switching would be costly. And it offered no guarantee. In the end, I spent 27k on my side. I have no idea how much m…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:14 PM
4

It's bonkers. I called my lawyer to argue some fees. The fees stood and she billed me for the call. It's kind of crazy captive customer bs.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:02 PM
5

It was rough for sure. She moved out. I got a odd piece of mail a week later, fancy envelope, lawyer's brand. The header said it all. "Dissolution of Marriage". That's all I read before my mind zapped into high anxiety. Dunno why they just can't call it divorce. That letter made my heart drop to my knees. And then it was issue after issue. Mechanical on top of emotional. My ex had changed the address on the car insurance account. I wasn't getting the bill. And she wasn't paying it. Somehow the n…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 03:58 PM
9

I divorced a bit past 50. I ended up with full custody of my younger son who was 16 at the time. My older one had already graduated from college. I guess time flies when you're having fun. Since then, both of my kids are grown and past college. It was hard keeping my younger one enrolled. My salary is too high for financial aid, but not enough to live in a high COL area. And the divorce tied up a lot of funds. But I ended up getting him through. There were some incredible lows there which he nev…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 08:48 PM
9

Disengage from the divorce. Don't let yourself sink into misery. It's next to impossible at times. But it comes with practice. Or time. Therapy is an excellent idea. But focus on yourself, not the divorce. You want to discuss what can make you a better person, how to lower anxiety, and how to disengage from the negative spiral. Talk about meditation and resources. Small wins at first. Making the bed is enough. You want feel good moments, proof that this is survivable. Buy a new plant and give it…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 06:47 PM
7

I literally had panic breaks. I was surfing with a friend when all of a sudden everything dumped on me at once, just how screwed my pension was. I had to paddle back in and just lay on the beach. Man, it sucks. Totally legit to be pissed about it. It eventually works itself out tho.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 03:35 AM
1

Back when Bill Cosby was funny and less perv, he had this act: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDj5imb52c4 My ex is a disaster. I sweated the planning, the schools, the sports, and the income. And zero credit was given. Now that me-too and glass ceilings have come and gone, perhaps it's time to take a look at the really unfair mechanics of fatherhood.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 01:00 AM
2

Do a couple of consults with QDRO lawyers. You'll probably need one in the end anyway. The easiest way is to buy her out. And that's probably why her lawyers are taking interest in your pension. It's a lever for more cash up front. If you do buy her out, all the risk lands on you, so be conservative. Understand present value calculations.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 10:04 PM
10

I was in the same place three years ago. It gets better. Look for stability in faithful sources. For me, it was learning an instrument. It's another world and is always true.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 03:46 PM
2

She got fat and loud. So maybe ear plugs and a concubine.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 08:10 PM
2

Definitely talk to a lawyer. Communal property ends in CA at date of separation. So all assets and debts for the past four years are individual. The last four years of 401k contributions are most likely yours. The mortgage payments might be recoverable. Her settlement and the heloc are lawyer land. Also, you're in good shape if you haven't been giving her alimony. She has proven independence for the last four years. That will look good for minimizing / eliminating spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 08:04 PM
1

Sorry to be blunt, and it sounds like you figured this out, but the person in your head is romanticized and idealized. She doesn't exist. It takes time. But realize that when you go down this path, you're not being fair to yourself at all.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 07:44 PM
2

I stuck it out a stupefying 10 years past my marriage's viability. There are a ton of pros and cons there. Any later, splitting retirement becomes a big problem. Sooner, alimony becomes a big problem. I thought I did my kids a favor by sticking it through. They were split on that. One estranged me and his mom. The other still lives with me. Marriage is right up there with thermonuclear war. WOPR got it right. There is no winning move.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 07:36 PM
3

Being brutally honest, my marriage made me a pack mule. And it kept me there under the threat of alimony and child support. My wife knew this and leveraged it. Transactional, I know. I regret the financial damage of divorce. But kicking a free loader off my back was very very satisfying in the end. TL;DR - Mixed.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:48 AM
1

Take care of yourself and don't dwell on things you can't change. I tried not to think more than a week out. Otherwise I just slipped into torturing myself with what-if's. Goals were things like: find a therapist. Call it a day. Buy a plant. Call it a day. Super simple. Worthy of celebration. If you have kids or you have a house, you need a lawyer. They cost a bundle. It's normal for credit scores to nose dive under the stress of lawyer fees. So if you want something like a signature loan or nee…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:31 AM
6

I was extremely angry for a long time. I mean, it was the type of anger that just paralyzed me in misery. It felt like I had a 50 pound weight vest on at work. I forced a clean cut. I stopped talking to her family entirely. I lost three people from my family - two aunts and a cousin. The aunts married in, so pfffft. Kidding, not kidding. Most don't mention it. And I consider that a blessing. A clean cut was the lonelier option. I lost half of the people I've known for 25 years. But for me, it wa…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:05 AM
1

My divorce took about two years and I believe the family lawyer fees added up to 27k. CA sets up financial restraining orders on date of separation - neither party can sell assets essentially. So, same situation, house with equity, cars, stock, but it was all untouchable. (Actually, I followed the rules, she did not, go figure). I ran up credit cards with lawyer fees. My score dipped from 820 to 690. The bank still gave me a signature loan. I lucked out there. I had a kid in college at the same …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:58 PM
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