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Remarkable-Potato21 Archive

View 3 posts and 193 comments by Remarkable-Potato21 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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13

If you don't have a strong lawyer, you need one yesterday because she can ask for whatever she wants, you have to decide whether to accept or decline. A lawyer will have all the information you're asking for. You will have a much better coparenting relationship if everything is split equally upon final. You need to be "selfish". It's called self-preservation. Don't fight the battle. Strategize for the war. You're entitled to 50/50 and any give should have an equal amount take. Refuse anything le…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 04:55 PM
3

Let it roll off your mind, brother. Your weekend, your time, enjoy your sons joy. You'll only lose being present with him if you let her comments get to you. Do not respond. No need to contemplate her motives anymore. Become stoic.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 12:31 AM
1

Thank you. I hope you have a speedy recovery and get out there again improved and healed! You sound there mentally. I also wonder where to even start to find this connection again; romance, love and commitment. The dread of diving into a relationship with great intentions only to be let down again is fading. Being single allows me to focus on those intentions and my emotional well-being. Someone once commented on this sub "if you are lonely when you are alone then you are in bad company" and it …
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 06:18 PM
3

Very similar timeline as myself 33m. I believe there is hope, but the step towards that belief is a giant leap. My parents split when I was 12 and it effectively taught me that I should never marry and be very careful. After multiple ltrs ended with infidelity on their end, my self-respect and esteem was shot. I took a 2 year break from dating and focused on myself and my own future. Then, I met my ex-wife at work. Love at first sight, feeling deserving of love again and our goals and dreams ali…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 04:52 PM
2

My ex was against tablets when we were together. "Didn't want a tablet kid" after the split, gives me grief about using an old phone for monitored screen time. Then, she gets our toddler an iPad. Gives me grief about cosleeping and how she's working towards independent sleeping, I was already doing so successfully. I notice a regression and bring it up. Completely 180 tune to the cosleeping. Ie she got evicted and living back with mom and only one bed. Instead of accountability, she tries to jus…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 05:43 PM
15

I can only offer my personal story. Don't give up. This similarly happened to my father. My mother made his life hell and she had at one point had her attorney living with us at the time. F that guy. I was 12 when my parents split and some of the bs they pulled basically followed my father till I was 26 when my mother passed away. But the turning point, as my father tells me, was when he got proof of that shitbag living with his client (my mom). My father got pictures of him ironing his clothes …
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 05:19 AM
5

You're not alone. I read it all. Just got my little one picked up by the ex and it's never going to feel the same. The times I didn't want to the ex to come home from work knowing she was in a mood. The times I didn't want to be around her in the same household. The times she betrayed me and left me to seek comfort elsewhere while she knowingly broke my heart in two. I don't miss it. The fantasy of a bonded, loving family. The fantasy that she was a good-hearted spouse and lover. The fantasy of …
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 03:03 AM
3

Right lol could I have added will not tolerate emotional invalidation in a prenuptial??
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:51 PM
1

I appreciate you expanding on your reasoning. I apologize for my directness. I really don't want to spread negativity your way. I have edited my comment to remove my negativity towards you, but the general hint at "you were doing great till you cried" sent me a bit. Op literally dealt with what you have described. "If I need to be her rock, I will be" and it was not reciprocated. I dealt with similar treatment. The idea that "maintain her emotional support system while you suffer in silence" is …
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 11:38 AM
11

Second disagree. He was treated with disregard and disrespect every time he needed support and learned how to suppress his feelings and needs. His gf provided him with support that he has not seen or felt in ages. Respect. Op I admire it. You have every right to feel the the way you felt and to explain it to your lady.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 02:41 AM
8

My divorce/separation was technically short but it felt like forever. 3 years. Still alone but you're only alone if you're not in good company. I was finally able to sit down in silence with myself and address some demons on my own. The emptiness fades to a blessing. You have to fill your own home. It's starts with telling yourself you are all you need. (It's a great time to refocus on your individual wants and needs) As they say, home is what you make it. What used to be an anxious worry coming…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 04:14 AM
6

That didn't help me move on. I actually convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal. She could surely change her mind and choose me first again and it will all be fine and great again. Attention back on us and the focus restored. Then, I had a long introspection with myself and realized it wasn't her disrespect and unloyalty that would eat at me. I would be disrespecting myself. I would be unfaithful to myself to let her back in. I chose my self-worth, my self-respect, and my values first. You ca…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 11:31 PM
9

"You can't overcome trauma if you stay with the trigger"
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 08:13 PM
4

Motorcycle
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 01:53 AM
2

I've had success with changing my outlook with how I word it in my head. Ie not "I have to go to work" but "I get to go to work" or "I don't want to do anything because I'll fail at it too" to "I'll keep failing and Its okay to keep trying". "I have not accomplished anything today" to "I woke up, and that is a huge accomplishment" "Every little chore or step can be rewarded because I am moving forward." Wish you the best. Seek comfort from someone you trust and professional help. It is okay to r…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 07:42 PM
5

I hear you. I'm on the same life raft after the ship sank. Took me some time to get over the resentment and negative self-image. Infidelity, reconciliation and then abandonment. The monkey branching was evident from the first incident and I checked out. Brought up a ton of introspection and self reflection that led towards a belief. A belief I had to hammer into my skull daily till it stuck. I am not worthless. I am enough. My sock day was in June but I don't even recognize it because I was done…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 05:17 AM
4

Without all the details, you have to find the resources. Say your income is $0 and as sahd you are facing this financial situation. Generally, it becomes apparent that marital estate needs divided. Does not matter the income provider. You do not need a lawyer to file the dissolution. The judge is tasked with determining the best interest of the children. You're sole caretaker and financially tied to the income of spouse. Thus, representation will be structured with fees coming from the marital e…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 05:29 AM
18

Preach, same thing here. That branch broke and she came crawling back. My ex was living the empowered single life after separation. Financial instability, repo, eviction, and living with her mother again with the new bf and the bubble popped. Asked me if she could move back in. No fucking ask about our relationship or anything. Biggest smile on my face to follow-up with a "fuck no" so, she laid down with a coworker to get out and move on. Finalized this year and it's probably the same as before …
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 05:05 AM
4

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. When emotions are high, everything is falling apart and you start to befriend the darkness, it's comforting to reach out to a group of guys that have gone through the darkness already. When I found the sub. I no longer felt so alone. I could read comments and it helped answer questions I was having with myself. I could gather a lot of introspection and "grounding" from different sources and opinions. That said, everyone's thoughts and situations are diff…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 06:55 PM
1

I've gone through this exact scenario, but it was a shorter timeline. The infidelity will be evident when she has a new man right after you pull the plug. She is "done" because someone else is on the radar. She is aligning her ducks in a row to take you for as much as possible. File asap to secure status quo. Lock the numbers in now, not after she drains the joint account to seek counsel. You will never see it again. You're basically coparenting now. You are roommates. She dictates outcomes for …
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 03:39 AM
1

Bingo. Right on the money
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 02:55 AM
3

You have control over aspects you might not be taking advantage of. I'm no lawyer. Technically, you can't necessarily ask how child care expenses are spent from your support payments if basic needs are met. But the question is why is she allowed to limit your relationship with the kids? Depending of course the legal actions she's taken or judge has outlined. I really wish you the best and I hope you find a lawyer willing to fight with you. Most times, they just do the show and tell dance in fron…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 04:38 AM
2

Keep going. Maybe a change of work/life balance might be in order. Are you a father or an ATM? I really hope to light a fire inside you and not come off as an ass because I only have this post to go off of. How involved in your children's lives are you? You don't need to answer, but let it ruminate. Will your children look back and remember how much you spent/made to afford them a stable lifestyle? No. They will remember you choosing to be there for them individually through all their milestones…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 03:29 AM
8

Mom was married twice before, my dad once before. Almost 40 years old when they had me. Dad's still healthy, my sister and niece live with him. Mom passed in 2017. I never saw a courtroom or dealt with anything but the complications of pickup/drop-offs off. Separated when I saw 12. They both had their fair share of venting and filling gaps for me as I got older. My mom changed the locks on my dad and he was no longer welcome in his house one day. Reasoning: I'll never honestly know. My dad was b…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 01:50 AM
11

Most options on the table have no guarantee outcomes for the future. Unfair as it all feels, take a step back. Without any further details, I'm gonna first say 100k in lawyer fees could have gone towards your kids. Are you really satisfied with that contract? It seems like a cut and dry state division of assets and you would have had that without representation. Did they really represent your best interest? Stamped and sealed from the judge you're paying that amount till you prove to the judge a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 12:18 AM
4

Get a lawyer. She can only go after half of the equity of the home for the time you were married. That's what I'm dealing with. Bought in 18, married in 19, filed in 21. Thanks to this bs market jump, my home appraisal came in at 50k over what I owe. I have to secure 25k as half equity payout to the ex. Edit' 2 and a half years now and a simple dissolution is not final yet. You've got a long road ahead of you. Remember, the lawyer is there to communicate with the court, everything else is basica…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 01:49 AM
8

This. Once you can fully let go, your focus will be only on improving yourself. Find a way to completely remove her from your life. If you don't have kids, this can be achieved. With kids, it becomes less about revenge or seeing her fail. I want to see my ex better off. Happier, healthier and emotionally stable for my kids' sake.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 01:11 PM
12

I would imagine your boys are about to start to mature rapidly in these teen years coming up. You have been there for them for their whole lives. Regardless of this relationship with Ed. They will know who their father is. Continue to show up for them like you have been. No reason to extend any invitation to Ed anymore like you mentioned. He seems vile. This will most likely implode on him. I can see why you divorced. She doesn't consider your feelings at all. I imagine there will be times when …
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 10:56 AM
4

I'm a little over a year and 8 months. I had a month fling about 6 months after separation. I was as relieved when she left as I was when my ex wife left. Have not actively dated since and it's been great. I have no interest in entertaining a draining relationship again. Someone comes along naturally and without strings attached, cool. "Remain paying for yourself and housing, I'm not about to do this and that bullshit again for some bedroom time"
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 10:36 PM
7

I've been there. Took me 4 months after she left to "catch up" emotionally then she filed. I was preparing well before that and my attorney notified me when it hit the courts before I was ever served. He was ready with a provisional order and she signed. That first step in locking in the status quo is huge. I will always preach to be in contact with a trusted lawyer before the courts even get involved. It is in your best interest to stay a step ahead.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 01:22 AM
7

Good luck! Remember, there is very little you can control. Focus your anxiety and worries on what you can accomplish for YOUR future. Attitude is the biggest choice you can make every morning. My marriage was way shorter than yours, but my ex had the audacity to give me a list of things to work on after she had an affair and I still wanted to "make it work". I was so cold after that, I frequently reminded her while pointing at the door "you can leave whenever you feel like it, I'm not forcing yo…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 01:14 AM
2

I created a Google album for my ex and uploaded all our "family" pics with the kid from before we separated. It really depends on the dynamics of the ended relationship. I wasn't being told or threatened to do it, like op seems to be dealing with. Only downside is the "control" they grasp at when they treat you this way. I've dealt with issues to establish a boundary. "No" is a complete sentence. Many exs have lost complete sense of boundaries and respect. Re establishing boundaries, privacy, dy…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 12:53 AM
1

I wouldn't throw them out. You'll eventually have to barter for them. If she asks for things specifically, like couch etc. Then she could make up a number for cost. My final agreement has her stating she wants the bed and dresser because "she paid for them" but I keep the mattress. Better to get it in writing. Ie she has 60 days to remove agreed upon items. My ex and I swapped couches once. After she agreed that she removed everything of hers, she still wanted to take another "inventory" but at …
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 12:38 AM
6

Yup, and having a calm, cool, collected attitude during all the stages of this. Set new boundaries, hold firm to your boundaries and establish your status quo. She is no longer your wife, your support system or your friend. She is the mother of your children. Grieve the death of your marriage and be the best father you can be. Focus on yourself first and foremost. Allow all the drama she tries to bring upon you just wash right over you. I had a year long of infidelity/reconciliation and then sep…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 07:25 PM
1

I'm not clear how a lawyer would pursue this. So you could seek out a lawyer that might have these insights. Most states would terminate the legal separation after a timeframe. If you're still living together and financially tied, I imagine courts would have a way to still pull some bs if a dissolution of marriage is not the final result. Ie separation is determined by separate board/de coupled relationships. You can't remain a couple, living together and financially tied. I imagine the filing w…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 04:00 AM
2

I'll second this because the range and getting back on a motorcycle gave me a new energy to wake up in the morning. Ptsd is real. I began to see healing change after I grieved the death of my marriage and the relationship. The person I fell in love with was dead and i could see clarity afterwards. Mainly the "idea of my wife" I had created when i pictured her. A therapist session can help you find the gateway to helping yourself. I went through 4 trials of different therapist but never felt comf…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 03:23 AM
3

Marital assets are 50/50 however you end up splitting it. Don't worry about it now. Seek advice from your lawyer. He will tell you how keep to the status quo. Ie remain paying mortgage and all expenses that are still your responsibility (under you're name) her extortion of expenses can be channeled through your lawyer. It will cost more for the fight/lawyer but hold your ground. Set boundaries when you can. No, she doesn't need full disclosure of your finances at this time of filed separation. Y…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 01:57 AM
3

I've used stoicism and a frame of mind that she is still the mother of my child. Regardless of our relationship ending, we still have a co parenting relationship that is civil and cordial. Kids at this age don't understand the gravity of what's going on behind the scenes. Trying to explain it to them isn't very practical at this age. Identify any changes in behavior or new outbursts and just be there for them. My ex probably had some flings when we split but not around my daughter. She didn't br…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 02:31 AM
1

I feel you. 32 and almost finalized. I would like to say I'm getting better but really it's just nothingness. I feel nothing. My mentor and I have a running joke about how he's a crotchety old man because divorce and life fucked him. He says I'm starting to sound like him. I simply do not have 1 fuck to give to my job, life goals or responsibilities. The only time I'm grateful is when I remind myself it could be worse. Like way worse. Right now, I'm just existing. One day at time. No goals, no a…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 02:55 AM
2

Getting a lawyer and filing dissolution papers are the first step. Get the ball rolling and put everything in place where it stands now. Moving forward everything will be seen and status quo will be set as the separation date is started. https://www.lawforfamilies.com/12721034-90-day-cooling-off-period-for-a-divorce-in-pennsylvania.html
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/23 01:13 AM
1

Junk drawer where it belongs
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 11:11 PM
5

I'll resonate that first part. Don't be ashamed of your emotions. Becoming numb is not resilience. Understanding your emotions and working towards a peaceful mindset is mighty hard work. It's never achievable when the fog of failure looks thick as night. When the fog begins to clear, you'll start to see the sun shining through. Push through the fog every day knowing it will clear up sooner than later.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 04:45 AM
3

That's what my thought process was. Now that I have it, I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from depression and anxiety. Depressed when I'm not riding and anxious for the next ride. Money pit though if you're not careful.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 12:13 AM
1

Don't think cheap. Money's no value, then spend whatever you can to fight for your custody. Consult many lawyers and pick the one that's going to really fight for you. Not some sap having his secretary doing most of the work for them. Custody battle on the cheap is an oxymoron. Unless your ex is agreeing to 50/50 in the provisional, you're going to have to fight for 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 12:40 AM
4

The day I let go was when I realized I was lying to myself. I loved the "idea" of my wife. Not the person I married. The "idea" or "image" of her was someone who would never make me feel betrayed and heartbroken. I stopped making excuses and justifications for her actions. That was the day I started to gain my self-respect back. Then came the realization that I love and respect the mother of my child. I no longer love and respect her as a partner. Forgiveness comes after you grieve the death of …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 12:29 AM
1

Close this chapter, brother and start living in the new chapter. One day you won't even think about this anymore. You will have much more to look forward to.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:45 AM
4

They can find out through means unattached to you. You either let it go and the truth will come out eventually and naturally, or force a helping hand in the process of discovery for the betrayed spouse. Either way, it's better for you to become unattached all together from the equation. The more you don't think about it and become unattached to the feelings involved with all of it, the better you will sleep at night. Just my 2 cents.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/23 03:57 AM
1

You never know. You have tomorrow to deal with. Best to not assume and use the drivers seat to your advantage. You have the best interests of your kids in your top priorities. It took me a year of infidelity and 4 months into the physical separation to make terms with letting go of "her desire," "her situation," and "her rationale." You have a different mental load of day-to-day balance to deal with while you coparent, cohabitate, grieve and overcome. It helped me to remember that my feelings ma…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 06:10 AM
1

I've taken a more emotional connection to your posts and history since I've started reading them. My ex has an autistic brother who I adore. She has recently told me of her page long bpd, ptsd and other diagnosis. I find I'm either empathetic and caring or an asshole depending on the day. It's a very thin walking beam and I've found after 1 year out that boundaries communicated respectfully early on are really important. I think your early enforcement of boundaries and the ability to communicate…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 04:59 AM
6

False/irrational narrative syndrome
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/23 01:37 AM
6

She's going to try to get everything she can. Everything her lawyer says she's entitled to and more if you don't get an attorney. Custody arrangement and status quo. Number one rule should always be don't think she won't do it or trust her words. Take action now and consult attorneys. Think about your well-being first and your kid's best interest second. Your kids' best interest is having a calm, supportive and respectful parent. BE THAT PARENT. Don't allow her narrative to control your actions …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 02:04 AM
3

Every missed opportunity is a monetary moment of silence. In solidarity. With your paycheck.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 05:57 AM
0

Players of the game know when the update is coming. Others have to readjust when things change. If you meet someone the old-fashioned way, out and about, they're still going to look you up. The old fashioned way was asking friends, acquaintances, and family if you know the family. Today's standards are high tech investigation done in minutes.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 05:54 AM
0

Bada Bing.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 05:48 AM
2

Single dad of minor kids here looking to mingle! Shot me the app. I'll date broke and damaged all day long to get my fix /s I don't date lol
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 05:46 AM
6

I don't blame you for wanting proof. I had suspicions and every reason to believe something was up when I went through it. I never made accusations or brought it up. It was along the lines of "I feel you would rather spend time away from home than being home, with your family." She was always defensive. She slept on top of her locked phone. One day, I watched her type the pattern. That night, I said fuck it I'm breaching trust. Found photos of her and a dude on our block taking my kid for a walk…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/23 11:06 PM
3

One foot in front of the other. Day by day. Still waiting for my sock day to come!
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/23 12:07 AM
3

Your words on this post are literally your gut telling you that something is off and please listen. Don't buy a shovel and keep digging in deeper. It doesn't get better. Seperate your life as if you were single. My advice is to do this now, in stages. You will see how things change. I get it. Trust me. The positive far outweighs the negative. You have trust, love, and enjoy each other. "These little issues are just little issues, we can get through them" "every relationship goes through this" Yo…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 12:59 AM
5

NJ was the catalyst. Glad to read the amusement ride is over. You did all you could. It's nothing short of bs but you have a great attitude to persevere. Nothing in this life is given unless fought for. Wishing you the best for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 03:56 AM
4

Huge. This sub and this group in general. We all will leave this moment eventually, but the knowledge and insight in the darkest days makes me want to engage. The amount of support makes sharing easier. It is the lowest, loneliness time bar none and to feel any semblance of community that is, has, will go through it is huge. I see you. Keep progressing brothers. Tomorrow is a new day.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 02:29 AM
1

I would also say the inheritance becomes marital after the purchase. Transmutation of as they call it. I used my inheritance for the down payment on my home that was purchased pre marriage and she is not on the loan or deed. She is entitled to half the positive equity of my home after appraisal. I would imagine in your case she would have to buy you out of half equity while assuming the loan. Ie say selling would be 5050 split of said investment(equity). To many other factors to be considered an…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 03:52 AM
4

Congrats 👏 happy sock day!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/23 02:19 AM
1

Mandatory settlement conference
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 11:22 AM
2

I want to ask because I've seen so many outcomes across the board. Did it go from a point of not settling in the MSC to the ruling to get to this? I've seen the ridiculous to understanding outcomes but really, how can a temporary judgment even be considered like this? I completely agree the system is twisted. I'm sorry the position/stress this might cause. Is this a temp judgment after a provisional? During separation before MSC? Or seeing a judge to determine provisional? I'm trying not to worr…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 02:53 AM
12

It comes back around ten fold. You're still healing. It is okay to be bothered and affected by it. Future you is going to thank you. Enjoy the time with your kids. Start up new routines and schedules with them that you can accomplish when you are living on your own. After cohabitation, it will be easier to stop letting her rent space in your head. As much as it's cliché to say, it takes time. Keep doing you and let her go. Allow yourself to enjoy the little things.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 03:54 PM
3

Thanks man, same to you. It's not an easy road. Protect yourself. Remember, she's probably going through 100x the emotions you're going through. Mine made it less difficult and went all in on moving on. I'll never know the full extent of your relationship but consider holding less resentment and less judgment. I became stoic after all attempts to communicate failed. Maybe you guys need some time apart to appreciate what you do have. The physical assaults are not okay and should not be taken ligh…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 04:32 AM
4

She cheated and it didn't matter. I was willing to do anything to make it work. The lack of trust, respect, communication, and resentments it caused and brought on me led to the overall level of roommates status. I was hurt but I don't blame her. We're young and still figuring it out in my mind. I'm 31 and it was a short 3 year marriage. Alot of emotions happened in that time space but overall my only priority is my little one and my mental health. My mental space has never been better after I f…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 04:09 AM
2

Personally from my marriage, it was reduced to the feeling of roommates because the chemistry had shifted. We have a very good ability to communicate and parent our daughter. We've always been a team in that aspect. Terrible at personal boundaries and communication of needs and emotions. Living under separate roofs has given us the freedom to parent without judgment. She would constantly pick battles over household, parenting, financial, whatever really she could. The walking on egg shells feeli…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 03:42 AM
6

As someone who has been through adultery/infidelity, it narrows down to character. I don't think it's a crime. It is completely ones choice to do as they please whether it hurts another individual or not. The line is drawn when they know it hurts someone they care about and they choose to do it anyway. Almost like an addiction. You can still care deeply about someone but choose to self soothe. We all get to make choices. In the eyes of our law makers, courts, judges, and public relations litigat…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 02:23 AM
1

I agree with you. He knows his wife is about to drop 80k+. Op cancel all cards, change all passwords, I believe you can change your health insurance plan in 30 days from legal filing of separation to remove her from the plan. If you have voiced opposition to this procedure, you can provide reasonable cause for this health insurance plan change. You're lawyer will be able to navigate this. Basically do what's necessary now and clean it up later or it's going to be to a too bad, so sad, nothing we…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 12:12 AM
1

Check your local court website/search filing divorce dissolution form for your state and pay the clerk the fees to file it. That's how you start without a lawyer. File and then stop paying off these "debts" and find/sell/loan your 10k for retainer. My retainer was 1k you can change lawyers, when you have the power. You are in control of your situation. File
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 11:54 PM
3

I'm no lawyer but it is best to stay for now. You're looking at paying more if you move out. Because the income difference, it won't necessarily be 5050 split. You could potentially be on the hook paying for your new place while still being responsible for part of the marital home/your spouse/child support as well. You can file for separation without a lawyer to start the process. Ie separation while still cohabitation. Basically locking in the figures/financial where they stand now. So when the…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 02:58 AM
6

I listened to the audio book of it and took away that I wasn't a nice guy. I wanted validation, but I was always myself and never played into her games. I was just me. I wouldn't want anyone to love a fake me as well. I have no regrets for that. I still respect my ex for leaving and because she is the mother of my child. Not so much the book but after months of self reflection and introspection, I figured it out. I was happy it ended. I needed to care and love myself first. Same for her. She mad…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 02:03 AM
1

I'm 31 as well and do not date. Had a month long fling 6 months out with an old friend and while it was great, she had a young child and boyfriend issues, so we both decided to end it. Really a blessing, because i really fucking enjoy being alone. I'm so much less stressed when it's only my kid and I. It's been an amazing year after separation for the most part. I don't date at all. The value of my time is priceless to me. Someone interesting crosses my path, I'll consider trying out a friendshi…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 02:30 AM
5

Kids get banged up just being kids, depending on the age. My lil one busted her inner lip real good recently at the babysitter from a fall. Your ex should still be able to articulate what happened or else I'd be even more suspicious. Document it. I was taking pictures for a while until I realized my lil one is just wreckless and accident prone. The new bs is lice. Never ending battle.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/23 03:30 AM
3

She's probably dealing with a lot as well. Continue to show her you are there for her. While allowing her to have her space. (Easier said than done). I imagine it's a wave of different emotions for her and you at this age. My daughter is 4 and I can only imagine how you're feeling. I wish you the best.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/23 01:02 AM
1

Let us know how it plays out after your custody hearing. It should allow you to see your kids. Sahm and the circumstances make me think you could be looking at weekends to start but you're making the right moves toward them returning. Continue to make moves to be the best dad you can be and put the relationship behind you. Remember it's about their best interests, so try not to take it too personally if it doesn't work out right away.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/23 12:47 AM
4

As far as my knowledge and lack of experience goes, my advice is to just file and don't worry about it. I filed MFS and claimed everything I could. Might have to amend if my ex and lawyer try something but I'm done waiting for "approval" to handle my shit. If you're doing your own taxes it might help to get a tax pro/service that offers insurance if you're unsure about it. Irs takes amended returns within 3 years of the filing date, so if whenever they do finally decide to stop playing hidenseek…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/23 08:20 PM
2

Great point!
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 04:39 PM
1

Haven't seen any draft yet. She waited till the very last minute to submit the financial discovery. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 01:52 PM
2

I'll lay out some steps to move forward. Focus on yourself first. You'll hear the "do everything for your kid" remarks but ultimately, you can only provide for your kid mentally, physically and financially when you focus on yourself first. Let her go. Mentally prepare to grieve her as if she is dead. The person you thought you loved is gone. Now's the time to be selfish and make moves to protect yourself. It is now a business deal. Stop paying those expenses for her child support. You're aware o…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 06:50 AM
4

Mines more of a "I've always enjoyed this. But I couldn't be myself with you" type. She can definitely live on her own, on her own terms but the narcissist influence ranks superior. She gets off on being her "true self" when it's definitely a pattern of validation. Not my circus, not my monkeys, carry on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 12:22 AM
4

Mine did the same. Infidelity, a year of reconciliation, then more lies. It eats away at your self-worth. Then she wanted to "live on her own for a bit." I was excited for her to go this time. Before she would threaten to leave, I would always try to work it out. Not this time. Nope, there's the door. She really tried to keep me around as a safety net. While she was off doing whatever she pleased, not once taking ownership of the darkness she put me through. Respect yourself first brother. How l…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 05:44 AM
2

Im sorry you're being taken for a ride brother. There is only so much you can control. Embrace the temporary custody shift and keep your head up. Try to see the positive aspects of the ride and stop worrying so much about the destination. It's some bullshit how she can go mia for 7 months and not an ounce of repercussion and say you now go 7 months mia it's criminal spousal abandonment. The system works against us. My dad was locked out of the house and cast off. He always made time for us. Livi…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 03:33 AM
2

This is the way
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/23 05:35 AM
2

This is the inspirational and real-world insight that keeps me going. When I'm feeling down, sometimes it helps hearing others' positive views. I appreciate your take. I was only married for 3 years (I'm in my 30s), but all your points are the same here. As much as it hurts, and it feels like your world is crumbling down around you, the darkness doesn't last. I push myself mentally to see the positive aspects. Negative thoughts seem to have an overwhelming strength compared to positive thoughts.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 06:27 PM
1

This is something that's not talked about or brought to light enough to make actionable choices about. And it is something to consider. I still do not have a plan or something along these lines of this is the key and this the platform. Thank you for this. As someone who has dealt with the after death of a loved one (my mother) steps taken before to aid in the process of protecting and respecting their wishes are monumental. It really is a traumatic experience and without the knowledge or forthco…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:26 AM
35

Perspective is everything. Women think. Men think. That's the choice. We get to make the choice everyday to be miserable, compliant, or happy. The beauty, pain and reality of it all is simple. YOU only have to live your life. You have to deal with yourself. Regardless of any others actions or choices in life, the reality remains true. Only you can walk in your own shoes. Altitude is everything. Many times we don't get closure or reason in the outcome of the suffering. But understanding the suffe…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 05:53 AM
1

You're still on the hook for half, regardless. I wouldn't wait till she decides it's okay to file. It doesn't take a lawyer to file for dissolution and get the process started. You can put the legal separation date as the date you started living "separately" and your already 6months ahead for legal separation terms. Several states require a year of separation in the divorce process before moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/23 07:58 PM
1

Your lawyer can only advise you on a legal playing field and is not going to be able to handle every single interaction. Basically yes, he is just reacting and documenting the shit. You should also be documenting/journaling every day. Start asking the right questions like how long and what terms she can visit the kids. The judge is the decision maker, not your lawyer. You have to follow the order. Her TRO was denied so, ask your lawyer what is the best coparenting action you should take moving f…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 05:57 AM
1

Both of these reads really helped me when I needed them over a year ago. Excellent advice! If you're lonely when you are alone, you're in bad company.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 03:06 AM
2

It could be in your immediate benefit to file in the state you previously lived. You are married until you file dissolution/separation, so everything is gonna be corroded in your situation till you do. You're on thin ice and basically one false accusation away from losing the power to even enter your own home. If you do file soon in this new state go for the ex parte order of exclusive rights to the home and most likely they won't do it but they will set the guidelines for how you should proceed…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 02:49 AM
9

Tell her. Just be honest and respectful. You have nothing to lose by being straightforward. You have the power. Stand up for your boundaries. Make sure you are in tune with your boundaries. If you don't really feel comfortable dating yet, then tell her your not interested. If you want to be friends and don't want to get attached, then tell her. Just because she's hot doesn't mean shit. You don't have to jump in bed with her. Let the friendship grow. You don't have to jump in with the idea of mar…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 08:05 PM
8

No one can give you estimates. With the details you provided, you need to start protecting your half of the "assets". Everything is going to be split 50/50 unless she starts war and gets you removed from your own house. Then you're paying for that 4600sq home while sleeping a couch. Seek an attorney asap. You need to file for separation/dissolution asap to hold the values at today and not 30k or more later when she drains you dry while your still "married" it's all marital property until you fil…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 05:40 AM
1

As soon as I got my w2 I filed married filing separate and claimed my child. I wasn't going to wait to see what she and her lawyer come up with. Told the ex right after so it's not like she's not aware. Her employer screwed her last time and when we filed joint we ended up owing over 1k, I wasn't going to wait and see if she corrected it or not and go through that again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/23 10:51 PM
1

Best to have the narrative documented in truths and proof because obviously it's guilty until proven innocent in family law
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 02:31 AM
1

You need a safe space for your documents/assets and items. You want to keep normalcy for the kids, but with the circumstances it sounds like a battlefield. You need to command a space in the house that can be your safe space. She can't keep changing the locks. If you're unable to access your property again, you call the police and have them on your side beforehand. If you guys are moving toward cordial communication after all her threats and false dv, you need to make an arrangement/schedule for…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 02:29 AM
3

I purchased the home pre marriage. She wanted to move out. She filed months later after she got wind i got a lawyer and wanted to file before me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/23 07:41 PM
11

File and become stoic. She is no longer your wife and it becomes a business deal. Separate emotions from the deal. I helped my ex move out only about a mile away. Made the transition as easy as possible for my young child. My only concern was my child. Then I changed the locks. My ex was emotionally detached already, so it was already over and time to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/23 03:11 PM
2

It's not about the video games. There's alot more going on with her feelings and thought process that I cannot begin to just make assumptions. Simply put she doesn't respect you. If you're able to communicate with her and get the root of this it, without her exploding or throwing ultimatums, then you can find a solution. Look over some positive communication tips on Google and try a second approach to the issue. You posted with the indication of divorce over this one issue, but to me, it feels d…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 05:46 AM
2

The strength you're seeking will come with introspection and time. Your mind and thoughts will be in the middle of the tornado at this time. Take a long pause before anything you do and focus on YOU. Nobody else has to deal with what you're feeling except You. Strive for a peaceful attitude and do whatever mental gymnastics it takes to speak to your ego and not act on it. Respect yourself first and foremost because she doesn't. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. Infidelity, a dissociated wife, cod…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 11:44 PM
3

Let it go. Start the new chapter. Feel blessed if you don't have children. I know how you feel. My ex rescued a good boy and I took care of him. He had a rough life before she did. He only had a couple years left in him but I made sure he was loved, till she wanted him back. He passed recently from his medical issues after a few months with her. I made sure to give him some love whenever I picked up my kid because I could see he was going downhill quick. I feel for you man, but the longer you ho…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 02:58 AM
4

It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm in your shoes. I strongly believe that it's better for my daughter to have 2 happy, providing, supportive parents with partners that care and want to provide and protect her. Granted it's not black and white. I had a relationship with a long time family friend that became more then friends and she stayed for about a month with me and the bond grew between my daughter and her. My ex stated she was happy for me but wished my daughter never refer to her as mom. I co…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/23 07:19 PM
3

By the sounds of it you have nothing to worry about. You kept to the status quo. If your lawyer is on the ball, they'll know if she gets representation and if anything gets filed through the court. Keep doing what you're doing and being the A+ DAD you can be. Filing just started the process of separation/dissolution so you're looking at months down the road till anything. You should have a provional order already I imagine that outlines the move, custody, basic financial situation. As long as th…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/23 04:04 AM
10

Honestly, I think I can attribute my successful stoicism lately to your previous comments in this forum. Thank you. Recently had to literally tell my sister to keep her mouth shut because she was fuming about how my ex is currently dating and he is around my kid alot now. Told her "if you raise any issues or feelings up with her it's about [your] feelings and disappointment. I don't give a fuck and will not let it affect me one bit, do not mention me"
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 08:26 PM
4

My mother had her lawyer living with us as teens and they made it so difficult for my father. Constantly making it hell for him to see us. He was consistent and persevered through all the legal struggles thrown at him. Eventually getting proof of the cohabitation and judge slammed the case closed and made it final. Lawyer lost his bar license and my mother kicked him out right after that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 08:50 PM
5

It's already petty and escalated at this point because of her lawyers unethical approach. I'm sorry but he is right. This is what I would do. I wouldn't threaten them. I would respectfully advise them that you have every right to spend some time with your kids and would really appreciate spending some time with them on Christmas. See if they are willing to work with you. Ie let them know what time you will be there and what time you will be returning them, also return before ex is scheduled to p…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 02:12 PM
1

File your dissolution of marriage and get the separation started if you haven't already. I wouldn't leave the marital home until you have agreements about the division of assets filed with the court. I've legally separated for almost a year, about 8 months legally filed for dissolution with a provisional order in place. Still only in the discovery phase. You got a long road ahead
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 02:56 AM
1

The struggle you feel is the suffering. The enlightenment and clarity you have does not define your marriage, your past or who you are. Focus your energy on being the best dad you can be. Focus on being the person you're looking for in the mirror. Focus on what's in front of you. I have done my own inner work and still choose somedays to suffer. Blame, guilt, fear, regret. Let it go. You can only control your actions and your attitude. You do not need to rebuild your life. Allow your eyes to adj…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 05:19 AM
1

No response or a thank you is best. If she responds with anything negative, you don't have to respond back
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 09:54 PM
1

I agree with your take on it. Of course, you know your ex better than anyone and plan accordingly. I'll share my experience while separated. I have been grey rock. Very little contact with her. Conversations are brief and formal, to the point. Mainly only about my daughter. Ex does offer some events to attend when it is my day with my daughter. Ie free tickets to the circus with her whole family. Many cousins around my daughter's age. I'm not going to strip my daughter of the experience because …
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 09:08 PM
5

They can change the dock but the place is still the same, keep sailing
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 03:43 AM
17

Infidelity
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/22 03:08 AM
2

Currently dealing with the same feelings. I'm glad she's got someone else to bitch and complain at. We've been separated for almost a year now. She had affairs prior that was the catalyst to our separation/divorce. I knew she was having casual hookups during our separation but always kept the kid out of it. (Her first affair was discovered when i found a picture on her phone of the dude on a walk with my daughter down our block. I expressed how fucking wrong, disrespected and disgusted i was wit…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/22 12:26 AM
2

After writing a reply, I realized it all comes down to what you desire most op. You already know your life will be turned upside down with divorce, perhaps you're completely okay with that and ready for change and a half reduction of all your earnings for now and forever. In doing so, you can "hopefully" spend your time with this new love of yours, completely fulfilled and happy. Honestly, I don't see why you don't just come clean with your wife at this point, have a nice deep conversation about…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 08:07 PM
5

I have to agree with you here. Maybe we are missing out on 40 years of context between his wife and him but I'm curious why op can't just continue down this path he's taken so far. Either his wife knows about his affairs and doesn't care, possibly has her own affair partners for emotional support. Or she is completely oblivious and completely dedicated and loyal to op. I'm not sure we're going to fully understand all of your situation op, but there are many couples that love each other and also …
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 07:49 PM
3

Beautifully said
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/22 02:52 AM
2

Consider this. She is atleast telling you upfront that your child will be watched by her s/o. She could just not inform you of this at all. It's her day and her decision who will be watching, around and where your kid will be. Atleast you get the opportunity to pick your kid up. Mine won't even tell me till I find out later, if I even hear about it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:56 PM
2

The grieving process is a struggle. Identifying with the stages and emotions you feel will help you to understand that it is okay to not be okay. You are in control of your suffering. Let go. Find peace in the process of the grieving. Know that one day in the future the lessons you learn about yourself in these times of struggle have helped to make you a better man. Stages of Grief
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/22 08:15 PM
7

You're going to come to a threshold of giving up. Don't. Simply keep fighting. Keep showing up for your kids per the order. You're not fighting for your ego or the reputation of your name anymore, you're fighting for equal rights to see your child. You're fighting a corrupt system and someone willing to use that system against you. My situation is far less worse than many stories shared but mentally it becomes a battlefield. Lawyers are shit, everything seems to go to shit and time moves slower.…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/22 03:19 AM
7

Congratulations on your sobriety. Congratulations on being a father. Keep your mind safe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep being a good example for your children. Do not give up. This feeling will pass and you will feel better. You will gain insight. It is okay to not be okay. The ego you hear spoken about is from another's perspective. From your words, I can only imagine what you have had to endure. I wish you nothing but the best stranger. I've been told I have a God comple…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 03:42 AM
2

My parents separated when I was 12. I grew up never wanting to get married. I took a chance. I wanted to have a family too. I've got an amazing daughter and I respect her mother for being her mother even after infidelity. It wasn't the right time. I never sacrificed my character. You can't build a relationship if you don't work at it and you can't have a relationship without trust and communication. Doesn't mean all hope is lost. I can't trust either. I get attached easily. I'm very much a ride …
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 04:46 AM
7

I'm 31. Being alone is healing, but it's hard. I feel ya. Much of the grieving process is suffering. You can be surrounded by loved ones and still feel lonely. Embrace the process. It really is about 5 stages but it will bounce between them. Everyday is a new day. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief. I've never given a therapist more than a few hours of my time, but I'll vent for hours with someone I love and respect. Mainly, I want to be that person. Someone that is capable of lis…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 03:52 AM
6

Almost feels like your writing style would my journal. I went through this in a similar format. Minus 12yrs. Give it a month together and a child...It's okay to be angry. It's okay to not feel okay. I'm fuckin emotionless at the moment. Unhealthy emotionless, like I'm done forcing joy on my mind. I'm just empty, sitting alone, forcing an appreciation for being alone right now. It gets better, the emotions come and go. It's honestly better than being stressed the f out constantly worrying. Grievi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 01:20 AM
3

I'll try to hit the reality points here. The custody fight is a bit down the road for you. You have to consider the situation as a now and tomorrow plan. Living together and having history of dv puts you in a position to have to watch for dv claims and be on your best behavior. Are you guys seperating? Do you own a home together? I'm not sure of your living arrangements but after filing and during the process there are going to be times of high stress and conflict. Try to minimize it as much as …
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/22 12:56 PM
5

I read your post and want to thank you. Your story rings resilience, optimism and courage. You have made progress. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and hold onto your self worth. Set your boundaries and never settle. I'm 31 and it really hits home after only a 3 year marriage and child. and (infidelity) I would have continued down the same path. I actually give my ex wife praise for her courage in leaving and moving out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up. I would have held on and b…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 03:18 AM
2

The only thing you truly have control over is your actions and your attitude. I don't have any recommendations of books except going back through this sub. I'm not sure what you're personally dealing with but do not let the worrying consume you. Hold your boundaries and continue to be the best father you can be. Be there whenever possible for your kids and yourself. Do not leave a marital home. Many will mention cameras if you can and remaining stone wall and calm. I've used voice recorder in hi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 02:50 AM
8

I'll second that this sub helped me immensely. You are not alone and you will get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 02:29 AM
13

I'll just start with sharing my events. Infidelity. Asked her what she ultimately wanted and felt. She wanted to raise our child in our house without me. (I purchased the house for us with my inheritance but it's only in my name.) I told her not gonna happen. There is the door if you would like to leave. Remorseful over bringing the other man into the picture. Cut all ties to him. Asking for another chance and to be there for "us". A year of trying to reconcile and keep the family together for o…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 01:58 AM
3

Simply be there for her. Do not give up on yourself or your daughter. My little one is 4yrs and the simple things matter. Play time and going to the park. Listen to her and be a positive influence in her life. I'm not sure why 50/50 isn't in your favor but keep fighting for it. Financial support is one thing. Being a good, caring father is the end all, be all. Remember you are her father and nothing will change that. I know it's difficult day to day, but keep pushing forward.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/22 12:28 AM
7

Like many touched on in your original post. It takes some time but it will be worth it. Put one foot in front of the other and fill your life with positive emotions. I too had my self esteem and self worth abolished. I felt I had no purpose anymore, nothing to love. I'll never be good enough. Being mindful and shifting my perspective helped me emotionally and physically. My perspective is you only get one chance and you are the only one who really has to live your life. See all the possibilities…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/22 02:09 AM
1

I quit. I quit giving myself to my wife. Quit trying to hold on to something that I didn't believe in anymore. It was a success. What is your definition of successful?
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 10:29 PM
12

Hey brother, you said it days ago in a comment. It's like a broken vase that can not be fixed. Steer the course and ultimately focus on yourself first. Putting everything else first except yourself does something to a man. There is no right from wrong in your decision. You're allowed to feel what you feel. Happiness is so personal. It's your own definition. I didn't end my marriage, but I also see it for what it was. I would have kept giving everything I had and been left with nothing emotionall…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 03:52 AM
6

I feel you brother. It gets better. Trust the process. Everyday is a blessing and finding the joy in little things is a huge success. I felt the same way you did. You are not alone. I was going through the motions and forced myself to see the positive aspect of every little thing. It is hard some days. Longing for more. Focus on yourself and keep putting one foot infront of the other. Everything can change overnight. The biggest blessings are worth waiting for.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/22 03:54 PM
2

I'm gonna say this isn't on you my friend. I'm in my 30s also and my wife emotionally detached long before we separated. Would be hot and cold, even after her infidelity and trying to stay together to fix it. Could never have conversations about how I feel. Only when it boiled over and something didn't go her way would I be berated for my inadequacy. I believed I had failed. I know now that I did not. I did everything in my heart to be there for her and make her feel like she was everything to m…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/22 04:07 PM
5

I'm with you brother. 9 months separated and going through the motions. I can enjoy the peaceful, quiet nights alone but it definitely has a "longing for more" feeling. As much as I tell myself I'm better off alone, I still have the downs and desires to have it back. Not with my ex but to pursue having that feeling again. A supportive partner. Putting myself back together and hoping for the next chapter. As alot of guys mention not settling down again, cohabitation and all but keeping that bound…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/22 12:37 AM
10

You're on to one thing. Women think differently than men. They check out long before we do and nothing they do is their responsibility or fault. They can be selfish, ego driven machines of destruction and it doesn't matter what kind of rubble they leave behind. For me, I've always been dropped or cheated on. Disrespected and discarded. They always come back. I'm not a "nice guy" I have always spoke my mind and will continue doing so. I am myself always. I'll stand up directly for myself and deal…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/22 04:43 AM
2

I waited to see what some of the other brothers would say and you guys did are always spot on. This group has helped me and constantly reminds me to stay true to myself. Letting go isn't easy, but respect is earned through the struggle. Remember you are going through this process alone. Ie with the only mofo that has your best interest, and that is yourself. Only you can walk your path. Respect yourself and carry on with your life. The nature of your wifes acts and character do not define you. S…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 03:47 AM
5

You are not alone. We all fight some demons. Your honesty here is filled with grace. Be kind to yourself. Your addiction does not define you. One day at a time my friend. You got this
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 12:59 AM
3

8 months separated here going through the divorce process. I had to mentally come to terms with the fact that I loved the "idea" of my wife. She showed me her true colors and now it's about self preservation. Be kind to yourself man. It's okay to be stressed, but remember you can only control your attitude and your actions. Learn to let go of the things you cannot control. Do not let the fear of the unknown consume you. Be prepared, take it day by day and start a notebook/journal. I started a si…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/22 07:12 PM
3

I'll add that you are not alone. Perspective is everything. For me, it's been almost mental training to stay present and be mindful of my emotions. It's okay to feel depressed. It's okay to not have any will to do anything. It's okay to feel unmotivated. You have to sit with it, realize what it is and that it will pass, then embrace it. Be your own advocate of uplifting hope by being kind to yourself. Enjoy the time with your kids and then try to enjoy time being with yourself. I almost never ha…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/22 10:08 PM
10

She didn't tell you about the dudes she was messaging. Don't tell her about the divorce. Grey rock her. You have addressed the issues with her and she doesn't respect you enough to listen. My wife did the same. I tried to work it out for a year after infidelity. It was over. Serve her and move on amicable as possible with your lawyers guidance. I tried the amicable, good intentions route. It doesn't work. She filled before me when I mentioned I was speaking with a lawyer. It's just better to foc…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/22 01:42 PM
1

Seriously, we don't have all the details. You have given vague information and probably only a peak at what you're dealing with. He's half right though. She threatened you to gtfo multiple times for reasons. What are the reasons? You should definitely compromise to a degree to stay in your childs life and help the mother of your child. That degree depends on you and the relationship, and I don't feel anyone here can tell you how to deal with it or understand best as you do. From the courts persp…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 03:45 AM
4

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, the reality is it's not worth it. We're biased here. We all tried it and hoped for the best. Some men cannot literally survive after the dust settles. Some men try it again and again after failing. Some men got lucky and aren't in this situation (yet) they are happy and living their lives in ignorance. We were all enjoying the highs and feeling the lows. This group is a testimony of men trying to be real and look out for their fellow man. My opinion, there i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 06:00 AM
7

I'm sorry brother. You were given the opportunity to witness the true character of these people closest to you. Might not seem like it now, but this clarity is a blessing. My best friend and I walked away from a complete friendship circle years back when another friend got with his girlfriend. We weren't best friends at the time but I was the only one to stand with him in solidarity to cut ties with people who could support that and remain friends with them. These people saw no problem in their …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 04:18 AM
4

Damn, that's insightful. I like that. "If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company" I relate OP. My father divorced around 51 and he's 70 now. I was 12 when he got the locks changed on him. While enjoying time with him over father's day, just him and I at our camp ground. I could tell the difference we feel. I started feeling down, missed the family i thought i had. He was enjoying his fucking life. It's all about perspective. I had a very relaxing and needed break from reality …
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 09:53 PM
1

Proud of you bud. 👏 it takes alot of perseverance and mental strength to see it all through. You probably had some rough times for yourself and I'm just happy to read it's all going well for you!
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 02:47 AM
4

Best advice I have is stay clear and calm with yourself. Emotions will rise and you have to be on your A game. Lawyer yesterday. File. Everything you do now is under a microscope for failure or progression. It will not be easy. It will not get better. It has become war and you must dismiss your emotions from effecting outcomes. Guys in this group will be able to help along the way for emotional support and guidance but in the end game it's between your ego and hers. Do what's best for your child…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:57 AM
5

Unfortunately. That's the conditioning mindset to take to court...you won't receive anything while the other side wants everything and more.. we just want out. Pity ain't it Edit. Any stay at home dad that reads this. I have utmost respect and support for you. Keep striving to be there for them. All other fathers, in any regards, same goes; keep striving to be the best person you can be everyday for your child/children teens and adults ❤️
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:44 AM
6

I agree and disagree. I'm the product of divorce and the system fucking fathers. My dad chose to be a part of my life and not pay support. That decision completely traveled with him most of his life, drivers license suspended, debts, lawyers, mental load. But at the end of the day 19 years later from when he got kicked out. I embrace him as a father that was always there for me and he still is to this day and my mother is buried...it's a hard truth but that man taught me so much and still couldn…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 04:38 AM
2

For anyone that might need it
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/22 06:19 AM
6

I'm proud of you for sharing this 🙏 keep that spirit going and help others see the light at the end of the tunnel.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/22 06:11 AM
5

I've dealt with the pain and thought. I've been close to suicidal but I've lost friends at a young age to it and it really shapes an understanding that this is the only structured real truth. 1 chance, 1 life and make the most out it. I wouldn't want my kid to grow up without me. That's what keeps me going. Being on the other end of a life ending choice made by someone else really makes you question what you could have done or changed. Much like divorce itself, you really can only control yourse…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/22 06:07 AM
2

I feel that. It took more then a year after initial discovery of an affair to start a separation and it broke me. You can't gain trust back after a betrayal like that.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/22 03:32 AM
5

I've lately been coming to terms with my thoughts and over coming the negative effects of grief. Been going back and forth through all the stages. Now I feel mostly relatable to a widower. The wife I once knew is dead and I must grieve and move on from it. Time will heal and living in the past of mistakes is not healthy for moving forward. We didn't fail. We must endure and know there is light at the end of the tunnel
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/22 11:33 PM
2

Damn, I know that feeling all too well. Stay strong brother
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 10:42 PM
14

No kids or pets!! Leave asap. Get a lawyer. Seek multiple consultations. Start grey rocking and hold on tight for the emotions to swing. This is about your happiness and you must put a value on the idea that you are the only one who has to live YOUR LIFE. You will financial be fine. Your well-being is more important at this point, and must be your #1 priority brother. Lawyer, because it's always worth it than going without guidance and legal advice.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 12:17 AM
6

Someone recently posted saying "Not my circus, not my monkey" and it clicked for me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/22 02:59 PM
3

Consistently seen your advice and posts. Just want to say thank you being part of the community and for posting things like this. I'm on the other end of cheating and you reiterated how I feel about my stbx. You can give all the ultimatum and see efforts towards growing the trust but in the end the trust will never be what it was. What you felt. You cannot get that back. OP she will never be happy. From the other side of the fence, I thought I could get over it. You simply cannot hold that bond …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 12:47 AM
2

How do you even protect yourself from domestic abuse on your end? I fear my ex through this process
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 12:33 AM
2

You need to file asap. Speak to your lawyer about your states laws and how to protect yourself from further allegations or abuse. Technically if your still married, you can spend your time with your kids however you want. If you have started to divide custody. It's your time with your kids and you have every right to have family time ie, your parents around with your children. She would have to have court orders against it down the road and have good evidence to why it's not in your childs best …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 01:52 AM
2

In solidarity. This is the way
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:19 AM
2

She has regrets. See it for what it is. You deserve better bud.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 12:56 AM
2

They're right. I still have to sit with the emotions caused from my betrayal. Tried for over a year to make it work. You never get that trust back. Even considered thinking of her as single and how it wouldn't bother me that she had relationships before me. Nope. That didn't work at all. I was loyal. I only cared about her and giving all my attention and affection to her. She wanted someone else's attention so easily without a fucking care for my feelings and dedication. Saw her true character a…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 12:53 AM
3

Some days will be harder than others. If you are a year out of finalized divorce and have your own place now. You don't have nothing. You have made progress. It will take time. Don't rush yourself to grow. See the little progress everyday. Being in a dark place and coming out of it is a really big deal and you can be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. Focus on how to be a good father. Try to have a positive attitude. Positive thoughts, bring positive possibilities. It doesn't matter what kind …
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 12:28 AM
1

Lawyer yesterday. Record all audio if possible in your state. Docuument everything
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 12:39 AM
11

You're not leaving your child. You're embracing yourself. Be true to your feelings. Your child needs a happy and committed father. For me, with a 3 yrold it's hard enough keeping up with them and being "happy" all the time. That's just not how life works. Being supportive, caring and comforting comes from a place of peace inside you. If you are stressed/anxious constantly around your s/o it brings you out of that peace. Lose the fear, embrace the peace. For me, separation brought on alot of nega…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/22 01:36 PM
2

First therapist I talked to I rambled for 45mins basically venting what led up to my feelings. She said "Yeah, that sounds toxic." "What're you going to do for yourself to move on" I never even followed up after that call. She was right. There wasn't a deeper understanding of it. I was unhappy, treated disrespectfully and it was toxic. Took me months of self reflection to stop finding ways it was my fault. It wasn't my fault. Letting go is hard. It can also be quite simple if you look at the per…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 05:37 PM
4

There are alot of affordable options and setups. You could cab the truck bed and get roof tent. You could get a small trailer. If I didn't have a kid I would. I grew up going camping in a motor home as a kid. YouTube has tons of van life videos and other options of where to overnight/setups/affordable options.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 12:12 AM
6

I struggle with this the most as well. Seeing a picture of the guy my wife was having an affair with, with my daughter on a walk. That's what broke me mentally over a year ago and led to my still impending divorce. She broke it off with him after i lost my shit about it and we tried to make it work but it's still the one thing I'll never forgive her for. Her ability to be so selfish and naive.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 11:39 AM
2

Holy shit. Wtf. That's pathetic. I'm sorry for you and your lil ones man. Hopes and prayers to you good sir. How are you holding yourself together with all that going on??
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 01:04 AM
1

I'll tell you that your kids are the very important but you also need time for yourself. If you're like me, a simple validation that's real goes a long way when you never feel it or hear it. I'm proud of you. Your kids are proud of you and they might one day see how you handled this and the attitude you carried through all this to be there for them. Remain the best dad you can be. Keep up the hard work. Simply, she is not your wife anymore. You can paint whatever picture you want of the past but…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 12:59 AM
1

I mentioned to my wife I was filing. I was holding off for a few days to see what she would do. She's not represented and did it herself. I'm not sure why she wanted to be "first" but my lawyer told me 2 days after it was filed that she had. He was checking almost everyday. He had a Counter-Petition next day filed on my behalf. Just my 2 cents Edit. My certified copy of her filing are still sitting at the post office..I don't even plan on getting them
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 11:03 PM
3

You're not alone man. Call someone close to you. Go to the hospital. Don't give up. message if you need anything!
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 05:47 PM
5

I forgave pretty early on. We both did not speak of it after the discovery and questioning stage for about a month. She blocked him and stated she was totally out of her mind for doing what she did. But it slowly ate away at me and the resentment grew. I became aware of her true character. I bottled up emotions to not bring it up. About a year after the affair she started to act the same way as i was seeing before the affair and i would try to express my feelings and communicate. She detached em…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 02:45 AM
5

I'm afew steps behind you then. That would play with my head. Maybe think about it as it is best for your kid/kids and take the stride that anything to improve your relationship with the your child/children is the focus. Remain focused on your attitude. I can only relate to the she cheated and broke the family part. My mental gymnastics is solely focused on my own personal wellbeing and my kid's at this point. In part thanks to alot of advice from this group and other men's help.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 09:11 AM
3

I thought it was mandatory. Like 1 class. You don't even have to attend with stbxw? I have to take a class but it's not for "us" it's for co parenting schedules
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 09:02 AM
1

I'm very curious how the amount of time with each parent is accounted. Overnight stays? I'm going into a joint custody agreement and I'm still unclear how the court will determine time?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 01:18 AM
15

I appreciate you taking the time to post this. It is good advice. I haven't filed for divorce yet but i will be shortly. I know the journey will suck some days. I can't even imagine dating again yet, but i know in time the pain will fade. You put yourself out there and met someone and enjoyed yourself. That's always a step forward. Good progress and continue to take care of yourself. I'm in a stage of acceptance and gratitude for the good times I had with my wife. I've learned to let go of the n…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 12:45 PM
1

That's good! I unfortunately inherited a short straw and let stress and anxiety affect my self worth and had trouble keeping an appetite. Alot of focus on myself and eating right has shielded my thoughts about my "wifes" feelings and the fears i have of being alone. She emotionally detached before moving out and I kept trying to win her back. Put all that energy back into taking care of myself. My philosophy now is "the only person looking out for my best interest is myself"
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 07:55 PM
3

It takes time. It's a grieving process and everyone takes it different. It seems you have the right attitude. Let it go. Forcing or convincing will only hurt you more. Focus on yourself and continue to support and be the best father to your children. You also need to have your wife support taking care of the children so you can have time for yourself and hobbies. First step seek a lawyer for advice. Separation is a much different playing field than after filing. You guys are still married and do…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 07:25 PM
3

Lawyer. And like you said let the judge decide. It's emotional manipulation and not being able to see or talk to your daughter is hard enough on you. Keep calm and continue documenting and trying to seek the best interest for your daughter. Have you filed divorce or still married?
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:35 AM
3

This group is here for you. This post is a step forward in your journey. Life is never easy. It is worth the pain to get to feel the joy. Everyone that commented has either been there or felt what you have felt. Dm me if needed. I know I've felt shame, guilt and lose of purpose strongly recently. Do not give up!
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 05:38 PM
2

This is currently where I am at. Every time I have to ask for money for half of the bills we have together or pretty much anything regarding communication gives me anxiety and stress. "Cordially" separated for 3 months and I'm filing soon. She was under the impression we were getting an uncontested divorce. We never discussed it, but she told me she had papers filled out when I asked for her ssn to file. So that's why I'm taking the initiative with an attorney, so I don't feel so stressed and wo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 05:43 PM
5

I found pictures on her phone of the dude on a walk with my daughter and that set me off. Alot of what you're saying happened to me. Dm if you wish op. I tried everything for over a year after the affair to make it work and it still didn't work out. People change, lose integrity and just suck sometimes. She is not your wife anymore. Do not let it destroy you mentally. Start making changes and focus on yourself. You are the only one who is going to be there for you. Remember that. In solidarity
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 05:39 AM
5

Spot on my dude. As someone who tried everything to make it work after an affair. It just isn't worth your mental health. I second all of this! Separated 3 months now and filing for divorce tomorrow. You deserve better OP. Be a beast. Control yourself and do not take it out on your wife. Start planning physically and mentally. Time to let her go and focus on yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 05:31 AM
2

Shit, I'm 30 and related exactly to both of you, I feel most for you OP. I'm just gonna say it's okay to feel like you do. Do what makes you happy. Don't force shit. Go with your gut and stop apologizing or overthinking. It's the only thing that's working for me at 30, separated and lost. Just keep going and don't second guess these types of decisions. Own them. Make it and move on. Solidarity.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 06:33 AM
5

That's a wild ride. You sound pretty calm and collected. For that, I salute you. 👏 You did what you thought was best for your kids. Good job dad.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 04:57 PM
2

Happy birthday. That's great you got to enjoy yourself and do what you choose to do
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 04:02 AM
2

Great analogy 👏
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 11:03 PM
3

Same. Solidarity brothers
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/22 12:47 AM
3

The universe is speaking to you man. Embrace that things are changing and you don't need to control everything. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest. Your mental energy and health is really all you have that's genuinely You. Charles Swindoll - "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with You... we are in charge of our Attitudes." My co-workers rallied behind me. They have all shared stories and experiences with me about their ti…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 05:24 AM
1

Can I dm you? Cuss damn, I'm not even a month into my separation and I do not have a handle on it like you seem to have. I feel I can give advice like you did but man, I just can't follow my own advice
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 01:45 AM
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