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Rjs617 Archive

View 0 posts and 62 comments by Rjs617 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

The two of them never really got along. Even when we were married, I would often break up arguments between them. After the divorce, our son would call me and later run over to my house during his mom’s time, and she would always insist that I return him. Then, eventually he got bigger than her, and she couldn’t physically dominate him, and the shoving started. She finally said she didn’t feel safe with him in the house, and he has been at my place since. He is totally calm here for the most par…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 11:04 PM
1

Our parenting plan, which was done by an experienced mediator after negotiations, and which was detailed with base schedules, birthdays, holidays, vacations, schools, and even video games and screen time, was two pages.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 05:53 PM
1

What I’ve heard is that if the courts order a parenting plan, it will be pretty basic. That’s probably what your lawyer is used to. My ex and I did ours with an experienced mediator, and he had many options and opinions about schedules, holidays, transition times, birthdays, vacations, and so on.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 05:50 PM
5

It was the usual: Didn’t want to “fail” at marriage. Didn’t want our son to have a broken home. Didn’t want to lose my savings. Didn’t want to end up paying support to my non-working spouse. Was afraid I’d be lonely. Hoping we could turn the marriage around. The divorce was worse than I feared. My ex went scorched earth, tried to take my son and everything else from me, destroyed records, emptied bank accounts, and just generally acted like a psycho. Five years later, my son lives with me, and t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 05:33 PM
2

While you are weighing this advice, add up all the support you will pay over the next few years, and then compare to the cost of lawyers and the stress of a prolonged court battle, and the possibility of not seeing your child as much. The number one predictor of child success in divorce is the amount of cooperation versus animosity between the parents. If you get into a lengthy battle with your ex, you put your child’s well-being at risk. I would have gladly paid 12% to avoid court and custody i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 05:11 PM
3

Second that. This is a good deal, which you should take if you can. Any amount of haggling in court is going to cost you much more than this. Since you have only been married 5 years, support should have an end date. You should not have to pay it more than an additional 5 years. Since you are negotiating yourself, you can decide on a longer or shorter period, but make sure it has an end date. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 05:05 PM
1

You shouldn’t be required to pay for children’s activities to which you didn’t agree. With my divorce, the settlement agreement specifies the expenses we share, and it is a specific list. Anything else, we have to make an agreement how to split the expenses. Typically, I’ll split anything reasonable 50/50, but I have crossed out even small expenses before (like when she tried to charge me $10 for a toy she bought our son) in order prevent starting down the slippery slope. Also, I’m surprised she…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/23 06:03 PM
3

“doesn’t let them play video games at all…” Doesn’t let them? WTF? We are talking about adult men here, right? It isn’t up to women or anyone to police and control what grown men do with their time. They can ask or comment, and that’s it. After that, an adult decides for himself what he does and how he spends his time. If it’s a bad marriage, the woman should leave—not attempt to manipulate and control. I was in a similar situation in my marriage where my wife had lots of freedom, and I earned a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/23 06:05 PM
1

If you want to do some research, I recommend the following books (in order of importance): 1. The Ten Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce (Cordell). Great practical tips in there, including getting a good lawyer, filing first, not leaving the house, and avoiding drugs and alcohol. It’s a quick read, and everything in it will be immediately applicable. 2. Divorcing Your Narcissist: You Can’t Make This Shit Up (Malone). Lot’s of good, practical information for situations like yours, in…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/23 05:39 PM
0

You ought to be able to do better than this guy. I know it’s the wrong sub, but before you date anyone else, take a look at yourself and figure out why you want to date someone who treats you like this. What is he thinking? Who knows, but my guess is he’s thinking only about himself, and texting a bunch of women just to see if any of them will bite. Even if his intentions are more benign than that scenario, actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what he does not what he says. I had to…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/23 09:34 PM
4

Being able to get away without any spousal support can be good, but it sounds like you are about to give up too much. I’ve also heard of cases where a woman can go to court after child support ends claiming a change in circumstances, and get her spousal support increased. So, if you do this, you need to make sure the language in your settlement makes it clear that you will never be obligated to pay spousal support, including when child support ends. That said, what you need to realize is that yo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 03:56 PM
8

In the two months before I filed, my ex ran up $60K on our credit cards. After I filed, and in violation of the divorce petition, she drained an additional $17K from our savings account. Then, she retained a pit bull attorney from out of town, who charged her a $15K retainer. Within six months, she had left that first attorney and switched to a local one, but left $21K in unpaid attorney fees. Since she didn’t work, guess who her attorney came after to pay what she owed? Imagine dealing with thi…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 11:22 PM
1

I was on the other side of this during my divorce. The difference to me was thousands of dollars, and my ex wanted me to file separately. I offered to pay her half the difference between what I would have paid filing separately and the refund I would get by filing jointly. That way we would both benefit equally. It was free money for her, and it was fair, and she agreed. Sadly, I had to pay her more than I got as a refund, but overall I was out far less than I would have been if I had just filed…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/23 10:51 PM
1

“she only threatens me that she is going to get a divorce”—Threats of divorce are emotional abuse. Definitely don’t stick around just because she is not pulling the trigger. Similar incomes, no kids, and a short marriage is the best case scenario. If you have any statements that show what assets you brought into the marriage, and where the downpayment for the house came from, collect those now and put them somewhere outside the house. As others have said, separate accounts, and if you have share…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/23 03:24 PM
1

Based on your family siding with your ex, my guess is you could get out a ruler and draw a straight line from your family of origin to your divorce from an abusive narcissist. As I am finding out myself, there are a lot of layers to this onion. Take care of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/22 05:56 PM
2

One of the stressful things during my divorce was trying to get my mobile phone off my ex’s account. She cancelled any credit cards I had that were on accounts with her name, and I was afraid she would cancel my cell phone. If she did, I would lose the number I had for 20 years, and there would be no way to get it back. It was tied to many of my online accounts, not to mention all my family and friends used it to contact me. To do this, I needed to initiate a transfer of billing responsibility (…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 01:44 AM
15

When she said she didn’t love me. I wanted to talk to her about a large amount of money she was running up on the credit cards, and not only would she not discuss it, but she yelled that she wanted a divorce and then that she didn’t love me. There had been a ten-year-plus history by this point of her angry tirades and threats of divorce, but she always said she loved me—until that day. She tried taking it back the next day, but there is no taking that back. It made so much sense that it finally …
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 07:11 PM
2

After 15 years together and 12 years married with one son, my ex was totally in control of the marriage. She could do what she wanted, and had what seemed like no obligations to me, her husband. I was the sole wage earner. I would get our son to school in the morning before work while she went to Tai Chi because the school routine was too stressful. When I came home from work, she was tired and just wanted to be left alone. She was out of the house all day on weekends. There was no sex, and no i…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 05:02 PM
3

After 12 years of erratic moods and yelling she wanted a divorce, my wife finally said not only that she wanted a divorce, but that she didn’t love me. Then, she left to go live at a hotel, leaving me to care for our son, and emailed all our friends that we were doing a one year trial separation. A few days later, she bought nearly $25,000 worth of furniture on our credit cards attempting to start a furniture business. I retained an attorney and froze some bank accounts, but I was hoping we migh…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 12:22 AM
1

Last year, we were supposed to have Thanksgiving together with me, my ex, and our son, and true to form, she got mad about something and uninvited me three days before. She changed her mind and reinvited me the day before Thanksgiving, but I didn’t change my mind. I spent the day watching a couple movies, going for a hike (which was amazing by the way), doing a Zoom call with my parents and sister, and also doing some texting with friends. Honestly, it was a great Thanksgiving, and it was my fir…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/22 05:10 PM
1

In the middle of one of her, “I want a divorce!” tirades, she yelled, “I don’t love you!” She had never said that before, but it just made so much sense.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 05:03 PM
1

You should definitely talk to a lawyer. If you started the company during your marriage, your wife might be entitled to half your stock—unless you can come to some kind of buyout agreement. Every time my stock vests, I end up splitting the community portion of the net with my ex, plus she gets a percentage of the separate gross, and it’s brutal.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 08:51 PM
2

There’s also the wellbeing of your children, in addition to money. I sacrificed money to avoid a protracted court battle with my ex that I felt would harm our son. It also kept her from doing a move away, which would have been really disruptive to him and to me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 08:53 AM
6

My ex and I tried couples therapy. We did a lot of sessions, and in the end, the therapist concluded that she didn’t really want to be married to me. I didn’t believe it because my ex always said she loved me, even though we hadn’t been intimate in years, she spent lots of time doing her own thing, and she was lobbying for separate bedrooms. Finally, after threatening divorce in many tirades, she blurted out that she didn’t love me. She also left to a hotel and emailed all our friends that we we…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 04:57 PM
12

My ex tried the same thing. She filed this long declaration with the court stating that I was an abusive and uninvolved father, prone to fits of rage, and that I was drinking around the house and presented a danger to the “minor child”, and so therefore I needed to be removed from the house. None of it was true, and it never went anywhere. (She also never faced any consequences for perjuring herself.) My lawyer suggested I collect declarations to counter her claims, and I got a bunch from family…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 08:11 AM
2

Same here other than I AM unhappy to pay it. Every year at tax time, I total up all the payments to my ex, and it just kills me thinking about what I could have done with the money and how much of what I earn goes to her. I get that she needs to get back on her feet financially, but I don’t see why she deserves all this free money when she was so terrible I had to leave to keep my sanity. It sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/22 02:14 PM
2

We eventually ended up in mediation, and to help move things along, I let her have what she took instead of asking for half of it. We were fighting over a much larger amount of money in a different account at the time, which I got. So, I was willing to let it go.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 02:28 PM
3

I’m in one of those states. The day I filed, my ex drained our savings account, and nothing happened to her. Meanwhile, I played by the rules. If my family hadn’t helped out, I would have had to put my lawyer’s fees on a credit card because I couldn’t borrow against my 401(k) or transfer any money out of our investment account. (It was frozen anyway.) I am pretty sure I stopped contributing to the 401(k) for cash flow reasons, but I might have done that before I filed. I know I changed the direc…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 07:20 AM
3

This is also my understanding.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 07:00 AM
8

There is no trust to rebuild. Your spouse cannot be trusted. You have this one chance to get away cleanly: If you divorce now, any spousal support you pay will be temporary and based on what you were making before you separated. There will be no child support and no custody battle because there are no kids. You are young enough that you can build a good life and find a real partner with whom you can start a family. If you stay, you run the very real risk of getting into this same situation again…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 06:36 AM
1

Your settlement should state exactly what expenses are shared between the two of you in addition to base child support. I have this, and it covers things like clothes, school supplies, and after school activities. My agreement definitely does not cover Halloween costumes, though I will split costumes if I feel like it. Early on my ex tried to work in little $10 charges for things that were clearly her separate expenses, and at first I decided not to haggle over such a small amount. However, in t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 03:46 PM
29

Too late for me also. I have to give half of what I make to someone I dislike, with no end in sight, while raising a child essentially by myself. I can’t believe it when I read guys on Reddit with no children who have been married less than ten years talk about how they can’t leave because they co-own a house or because they are worried about what is going to happen to the dog. Maybe your post will wake some of them up.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/22 01:58 PM
1

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I let my ex stay in our house, which we co-own. We split property tax, insurance, and maintenance. She pays the mortgage and utilities. She has to maintain the house in good condition with no major alterations, cannot rent out rooms without my approval, and cannot place liens on it. She has the right to stay until our kid is in college or turns 18, at which point I’m figuring the mother of all court battles will ensue—or she can just leave and we sell like we are supposed…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 03:49 PM
2

I’m 3 years away from terminating CS in CA, and if all that happens is I have to pay more SS, I’m going to be pissed. I pay a LOT in CS right now, and I was assuming I would be able to finally keep that money. I’d be curious to know how this turns out.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 02:51 PM
1

My CS is about $2K/month. I’m really looking forward to when my son turns 18 and that stops. Spousal support is also after federal tax since I got divorced after the Tax Cut And Jobs Act, and so that’s a real kick in the nuts too. No one who makes these decisions really cares about the effect they have on taxpayers.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 02:07 PM
1

This is true. Roughly a month before I filed for divorce, my ex moved out of the house and told everyone we know that we were doing a one year trial separation. She eventually moved back into the house, but when she did, I started sleeping separately in our in-law unit to maintain the separation. As I said, I ended up filing for divorce about a month after that. I put the date of separation as the day she moved out and announced to the world we were separated, but since that wasn’t financially c…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 06:29 AM
4

My ex perjured herself in court filings during her smear campaign against me, and faced no consequences at all. According to my lawyer, lots of women lie during divorce to get more custody of the children and more support, and even if you prove they are lying, they never get sanctioned. The attitude seems to be, if you are a man, just be glad it didn’t work and move on. It’s messed up.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 06:01 AM
2

This is why the settlement agreement spells all this out explicitly, and it is enforceable. But, keep in mind that your ex lives there. If the payments are reasonable and the place is nice, then she has golden handcuffs to keep her from doing anything stupid. She screws up, and she loses her nice, big, cheap place, and has to move to something smaller and more expensive. That’s how it works with my ex, and she is doing a good job of making payments and keeping the place up. Regarding unexpected …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 05:47 AM
2

As part of the settlement between me and my ex, we agreed to let my ex stay in the house we co-own until our son goes to college or turns 18, whichever comes first. The supposed purpose of this was for continuity of care for our son, since she would not be able to afford to live in a house on her own. The real reason was probably that she has so much crap that there is nowhere she can move if she leaves. Anyway, let me see if I can remember the terms without getting the actual agreement: First o…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 05:29 AM
1

Also: Change passwords to any online accounts (email, banking, shopping) that belong to you that she has access to. Freeze bank accounts that you don’t want her to empty. Make sure your mobile phone account is in your name. (Mine was on a joint account in my then-wife’s name.) If not, create a new account for yourself, and initiate transfer of billing responsibility (can be done online so her consent is not required) to move your number to your account so she cannot cancel your phone number. Mak…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 04:39 AM
5

I was lucky in a way because my ex and I live close to each other. Once they started fighting, he would just leave and walk over to my place. My ex would get mad and accuse me of interfering in her time, but what could I do? I would talk him down and bring him back over, but eventually it got to where he was done with her. At one point she actually locked him in her house by removing the thumb turns from the deadbolt locks on all the doors. (They are captive thumb turns where you can remove them…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 06:09 PM
1

I love this, and am totally using it the next time anyone says water is wet.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 05:58 PM
13

Our custody mediator was a man, but he fell for my ex’s BS. She pulled all the same stuff, crying etc. I asked for 50/50, and she started with supervised visits every other Saturday. The mediator actually asked me if I could come closer to her position, and I said no, why should I. Her position was totally unreasonable. Eventually, we got no further than every other weekend from Friday after school to return to school Monday, plus all Fridays from after school until 8PM. I asked for a Tuesday ov…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 05:54 PM
2

If you can prove you earned the stocks before marriage, I don’t think it matters when they vest. Since you earned them separately, they are separate property. (I could be wrong about that. You should definitely talk to a lawyer.) Everything you earned during marriage is community property, and will be split 50/50 unless you and your wife can come to a different agreement. You are married less than ten years, and so your spousal support will have an end date, and you have no kids, and so no custo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 07:55 AM
2

My experience is the same. While child support in CA is set by a mandatory formula, spousal support is discretionary based on need and ability to pay. My ex and I negotiated our settlement with a private mediator, and our lawyers sent the terms to the court to get rubber-stamped as a stipulation and order. From the OP’s description, his wife does not need spousal support and she is agreeing to not ask for it. I can’t imagine a judge not just approving that.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 07:47 AM
3

I am also looking forward to the end of CS, though I’m pretty sure I’ll also have to pay for four years of college. Regarding the surround sound, I can relate. We had a 42” TV, and even my ex used to complain about it a lot, saying it was too big and that she was going to to get rid of it. She also complained about video games all the time, not that there was any money left over to buy them after she was done spending it. When I moved out, one of the first things I did was to buy a big, new TV a…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/22 02:17 PM
11

Just speaking for myself, there is no way I hate my ex more than I love my son, but I couldn’t live with her anymore. I wish she would die so I could stop writing her checks every month. So, maybe I hate her a little, but I don’t want to waste any more time and energy on her than I have to.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/22 02:47 PM
6

As someone who got divorced after 12 years with a child and a house, I have no idea why you think you can’t leave after 4 years with no children. That is the easiest divorce in the world because there is no custody to work out, no property to split, and support payments have a hard stop date. If you think the financial damage is bad now, it gets much worse if you stay married and have children. Please take this in the spirit in which it is intended, but between thinking you can’t leave because o…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/22 02:15 PM
1

Like you, part of my income is a discretionary bonus. How this works for me is that I have a base child support amount that I pay each month, and then I pay a percentage of gross bonus for child support. That way, if it’s a bad bonus year, I don’t have to pay money I don’t have. On the other hand, if it’s a good bonus year, I pay a lot more. I wish I had capped the amount. But anyway, your monthly CS should not be based on getting a bonus. It should be based on salary, and then with a separate p…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 06:14 PM
2

I wish I had negotiated harder on support. My ex didn’t work, and in order to move the process along, I agreed to a higher level of support than guidance, thinking that I could afford it with my salary. What I didn’t realize is that when I went from filing jointly with my ex to filing single, my income tax went through the roof. It was my own stupid fault for not consulting a CPA first. I spent a couple years living paycheck to paycheck, relying on bonuses to pay all my expenses until I changed …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 01:41 PM
6

Excessive spending and clutter were part of the price I paid for living with my ex. I’m convinced she had bipolar (and BPD). When she was manic, she would buy too much of everything, and there would be no place to put it. Then, when she was down, she didn’t have the energy to sort through things to find a place for them or to get rid of them. If I tried to clean it up, she would freak out and yell at me that she can’t find anything or that she needed something I threw out. I knew this about her …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 01:29 PM
8

Mine said I was abusing our son, and prone to fits of uncontrollable rage, and that I was drinking around the house. It was all lies. Meanwhile, her first budget showed that she needed $20K per month. I pointed out that she was asking for $1/4M per year after tax, and that my entire net pay never came close to that while we were married. She never did seem to understand how money works.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 07:09 AM
2

Unless you had winnings from the lottery or a startup company, your biggest earning years are ahead of you. You have plenty of time to recover financially if you don’t make this mistake again. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 02:01 AM
5

100% My best man tried to warn me before I got married, and I totally ignored him. He just didn’t get it because we were in love! Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 02:30 PM
1

I’d start with someone who has a good relationship with their family, and their family is one you would feel comfortable in. I married a woman who wasn’t close with her parents and blamed them. Surprise: It was her. Also, choose someone who has a career. I used to think it didn’t matter, but it shows that they have their act together, and if you do get divorced, it will mean that you won’t have massive support payments.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 02:50 PM
7

“Judge women by their actions not their words.” Man, do I wish someone had given me this advice years ago. I stayed in a marriage where my wife said she loved me, but then would never want to have sex (lucky if it was once per year), would spend hours out of the house leaving me to parent our son, would get angry and yell at me and threaten divorce. Finally, after a decade of this, she was angry enough to yell not only that she wanted a divorce, but that she didn’t love me. She reversed herself …
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/22 02:31 PM
3

I think I spent the first year in shock, but I had a child I loved and needed to help raise, and I had a job I didn’t want to lose, and so I just spent every day doing what I had to. Finding and furnishing a new place was a big deal to me. Because I have my son a lot, I spend a lot of time working, cooking, washing dishes, cleaning, and doing laundry. When I have time to myself, I like to hang out with friends or do one of my hobbies. Honestly, four years after the separation, I’m in kind of a h…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 02:17 PM
1

You have to be separated for a year to finalize the divorce, but not to file and serve the petition.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 02:03 PM
3

This is how it happen to me too: Slowly at first, and then all at once. It was incredible how fast the marriage came apart. Where do you start? Start by celebrating that you have no kids and she makes more than you. You won’t have to deal with visitation. You won’t have to write her a check every month for years. After that, talk to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 01:52 PM
1

“We decided to take a few weeks apart to work on ourselves… and hopefully salvage our relationship.” After nine months?? And now her ex is moving in with her? The counseling is an excellent idea because you need to figure out why you are trying so hard to stay in this bad relationship. Work on yourself, and gain a better understanding of yourself—after you leave.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 01:41 PM
5

It doesn’t sound like OP will be happy walking away from 50/50 custody. Also, you can’t always make more money. $200K is a lot of earning and saving for most people. During my divorce, I wanted 50/50 and let my ex negotiate me down to 70/30. She wanted 80/20, but I refused to settle for it. Our son hated the 70/30 arrangement, and wanted equal time at my house and complained a lot that he was at his mom’s house too much. But, I took the 70/30 knowing there was a good chance it would cramp my ex’…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/22 07:09 AM
1

I know someone who had first right of refusal, but there was no grace period (ie. the parent is unavailable for 4 hours or more). Then, his ex used that to come after him when his mom would pick their kid up from school a couple hours before he came home from work. If you get that, make sure it applies when the parent is unavailable for at least (3 or) 4 hours.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/22 02:15 AM
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