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Sad_Dad_0613 Archive

View 5 posts and 60 comments by Sad_Dad_0613 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

This makes me so hopeful. I’m so happy for you. I’m just trying to get equal parenting time and it’s been a constant battle. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior and is completely disconnected from how her attitude and actions are leading to the increased conflict. It’s all my fault. She’s lying more than she ever has, talking to the kids directly about parenting issues she should be bringing up with me and just not being a good person or coparent. I’m hopeful mine comes through in similar f…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 02:21 PM
2

Yea I’ve looked through the whole brain child, no drama discipline and the connected child and try to implement those teachings as well as from the love and logic class I took but it’s just hard. Especially when your OCPD ex thinks you do everything with the kids wrong and you’re the worst guy on the planet.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/20 10:53 PM
2

That’s good to know. Maybe the expectations are then a bit too high as well.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/20 08:46 PM
2

Thanks. My biggest is the bedtime and naptime battles because I want to make sure they get enough sleep. I’ll definitely try to make sure I’m nurturing that relationship, though.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/20 08:09 PM
3

Do you have a parenting plan? It might be worth developing if you don’t have one. Depending on the ages of the kids, having a consistent bedtime and other things might not be a bad idea. But she has no right to dictate anything that happens at your place. Do right by your kids and what you feel is best for them. Beyond that, screw her.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 10:51 PM
1

How much was a support network weighed? I am in the process of starting my PRE soon and my biggest concern is my lack of support system which I was isolated from partly by me but a lot by her. I also have a few blemishes on my past with anger and control but have been in therapy for a year and a half focusing on a skills program. How much would rehabilitation be weighted do you think? Thanks! I’m glad you’re starting to see the end of the tunnel!
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/20 02:20 AM
5

Fully agree with the post above. If it happens again, call the police and file charges. She continues acting this way because she has gotten away with it. Until there are consequences the behavior won’t change. Document every attempt you make to see the kids and everything she does to hamper you. Preferably in a format that sets the date and can’t be later edited like email. This is to prove it actually occurred on the date you said it did.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 12:43 PM
4

I’m kinda in that same boat and I think the best medicine is to stay single and admit you aren’t ready yet. By living by yourself and focusing on you, you get more experience day after day of the “worst case scenario” of being abandoned. Once you become comfortable with yourself and being by yourself, there is literally nothing that can hurt you from an abandonment standpoint. Yea, losing a relationship will still be hard but the whole fear of being abandoned will be significantly lessened becau…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/20 05:14 AM
1

Mine has mental issues with abandonment so it’s been highly conflictual but I’m right there with you guys. Moved to an apartment 5 minutes away in same school boundary in case we need to sell the house. I cooked, cleaned, for them ready in the mornings and put them to bed at night regularly. Simply asking for more time with them. Being refused because her feelings are facts. My therapy has been a lifesaver so I definitely recommend the coach or therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/20 07:03 PM
3

Best advice I have is breathe through it and admit you have zero ability to control it. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change that fact and every ounce of energy and time you spend thinking about it is wasting that energy from going towards something you love. Don’t give her free rent in your head.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 02:59 PM
9

Best advice I have is breathe through it and admit you have zero ability to control it. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change that fact and every ounce of energy and time you spend thinking about it is wasting that energy from going towards something you love. Don’t give her free rent in your head.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 02:58 PM
2

Agree with all the posters here. Don’t teach your kids what you have is healthy and something to aspire to. It’s codependent and does not serve YOU. You are the only one who can make something of your life. You have an obligation to your kids, but that obligation does not mean you stay miserable. You are not a victim, you are not a martyr. You are stronger than that and they deserve to see you be more than that. Go out and find a relationship that your kids can aspire to, or see a man who loves …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 12:24 AM
1

Could you get a sense of how much of an importance was placed on that? I’ve been kind of isolated. Some by her but a lot is my responsibility for never really cultivating and maintaining friendships nor seeking new ones. Will definitely be sure to get a photo of their mom in their room though.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 02:30 PM
5

Has she self reflected or offered to keep her side of the street clean? Going to therapy, learning better communication techniques, taking responsibility for her behavior? If they are all no’s, you have your answer. The anti-thesis to codependency is being responsible for yourself. If she is unwilling to pick up the slack and be responsible for her own behaviors and actions, there will be no saving the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 02:02 PM
1

Mine are younger so I’m guessing the safety will be a bigger factor. Did they go into your support network at all? Friends? baby sitter? Family nearby? What about discipline and other parenting strategies?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 01:32 PM
2

I wish you the best of luck. I will likely be heading down this same path soon. Would you mind responding (to this post or dm) any lessons learned after your evaluation?
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/20 01:30 PM
1

Ugh, be thankful for waiting until the divorce is finalized. Mine introduced hers before we even filed and they were only dating for 5 weeks. At least he seems to be a good guy for now and doing things for the kids and being a positive influence. Still hurts though getting replaced so quick.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/20 05:35 PM
3

That’s awesome. It really does help you be more mindful of and appreciate the time you do have with them and makes you a better parent to optimize and enjoy every second they are with you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/20 05:33 PM
2

I hear ya. Things got that way with us quickly once the lawyers got involved. I still don’t really understand why as I try reaching out with kindness. She’s definitely got mental health issues though and completely on the same boat with absolutely zero introspection on her responsibility for the marriage failing. She’s still into her mindset of she was perfect and did everything for me and this expected me to do everything for her. It’s textbook codependency but she refuses to do any of the self…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/20 09:13 PM
2

That’s awesome to hear. I remember after one fight where she took personal offense to me offering to fill up our son’s water bottle which was half full ahead of their indoor soccer practice. (I clearly was trying to imply she was a terrible incapable mother) and then she dove in to how I am just as childish as our youngest and “this is what it’s like listening to a crazy person”. I told her I would not be joining them for lunch and I left. I said bye to the kids and told them when I would see th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/20 09:56 PM
4

Haha that’s awesome. Tell her to grill her own burger and refuse to make her one. I love the boundary!
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/20 09:05 PM
3

Every time I am on here I meet so many guys and dads with the same story and this is spot on. You have to leave their problems with them. It is not your responsibility to fix them. Let them be the victim and focus on what you can control. Time to give the b what she wants. Well put. I hate you, don’t leave me? Gone.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/20 09:04 PM
4

A word of advise - do not bring it up. With her, with the courts. Anywhere else but with your lawyer and on here. It will just enflame things. My stbxw hates when I talk about her issues or even imply that she has them. It makes things 10x worse. So if I need to co-parent with this woman for the next 13+ years, I have to pick my battles. Be there for your kids give them as much information is relevant for their ages. Be a safe space without judgement. My kids know that when they are at my place …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/20 09:02 PM
1

Ugh reading up on more of this, I think you’re right. I have recordings of her on two separate occasions telling our two young kids directly that they “can’t trust daddy”. I’m just really grateful I have the recordings and can hopefully use them to defend myself if she continues to go that route. She may walk herself right out of any parenting time based on her behavior but of course that would be my fault too and I would have at that point “taken everything from her” and she would likely consid…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/20 03:56 PM
1

Start documenting if you are at all worried of it blowing up. Protect yourself and your access to your kids. If you are seeking treatment and actively working to address your own issues that will be a positive, not a negative. Do right by your kids and by yourself. Be the best person you can and be as kind as you can muster. Keep thinking how you want your kids to see you in the face of the hurricane that is your spouse. You cannot control what she does so stop trying and stop worrying about try…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/20 09:32 PM
2

Read your story as if your friend wrote it. What would you suggest they do? I think I’m that context it’s pretty clear.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/20 07:48 PM
1

I second talking parents. If you get the premium ($6 a month) you get free downloads of your entire conversation history in PDF. My suggestion is use the free version until you need the conversation history. Then sign up for premium and the 30 day free trial. Download the conversation history and then cancel the membership. I’m just planning on paying the $6 a month throughout the process.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/20 05:45 PM
3

Do you want her to see you unhappy? Learn that it’s normal to have people treat you that way or worse, treat other people that way? It kills me being away from my kids. She successfully convinced me I was a bad dad and this terrible abuser so I agreed to give them space and work on myself. Which I did. Now suddenly I’m worse as I’m not as codependent as I once was and she hates that as her dream relationship and ideals for a relationship is the definition of codependency. At some point it clicke…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/20 03:01 PM
1

As someone who was sustained on crumbs of occasional sex and flirting for months, you deserve better. In my case she expected so much and showed zero compromise or compassion on how to get there. Wanted me to help more around the house so I did. I even swept the floors and cleaned up a house I wasn’t even living in during our separation. It will never be good enough. Those in healthy relationships do not rely on complaints and criticism and condescension. Period. You deserve better.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/20 02:50 PM
5

I got asked for a work trip next week which is when she has the kids and it's like an overnight. I'm like frozen thinking that I'm missing someone's permission to say yes.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 11:56 PM
1

Definitely good perspective. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 11:55 PM
7

When I set off the fire alarm at my apartment due to baked on gunk in my oven and had to drive the kids to the store after their bedtime to get a battery because the alarm wouldn’t stop chirping. Just dealing with that experience by myself gave me a ton of confidence knowing that I could care for them on my own and could handle even the unexpected. I still struggle with finding myself thinking to ask her permission on things or expecting to be criticized so I know I have a lot of work to do to p…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 10:53 PM
1

Thanks. I’ve done that a few times and even left situations with a laugh and a smile. I’m getting there but it’s always nice for the reminder. I’m responsible for my own happiness and my own behavior and reactions and I owe that to my kids to make sure they are as positive as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 06:45 PM
2

There’s a few. We use talking parents. It documents every conversation for when it was made and also notes when the other parent views the message. Then there is a quick option to download your entire conversation record to odd which is able to be presented in court. It’s like $6 a month but the first 30 days are free. It’s also got a calendar feature built in which shows when events were added. So it avoids the issue like I just had where somethings not on the calendar, I schedule something and…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 02:52 PM
3

I have a recording of mine directly telling the kids they can’t trust daddy. They were 4 and 2 at the time. Happened a few times. Gets so caught up in her own anger and emotions that she loses all self reflection and shame/self control to behave like a human being. I’m sorry you’re angry but you’re over 30. Real adults don’t solve problems by calling names and throwing temper tantrums. Asked me at thanksgiving if I was going for more time in the divorce and when I said yes flat out told me, “we’…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/20 06:29 AM
12

Get a court order that formally outlines alimony and child support and sets the dollar amount. Until that’s in place its really just pick your battles.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/20 11:19 AM
2

well put. That's exactly what I am going for. Equal parenting time split and will encourage them to maintain a relationship with their mother as I value what she provides them. I don't understand how this is too much to ask for in return.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/20 04:08 AM
4

Thanks! YouTube. All the crazy people on YouTube.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/20 10:33 PM
6

Mine is doing the same thing. I haven’t even filed the divorce paperwork and this guy has a toothbrush at her place and has met the kids a number of times, the first after 5 weeks of dating. I know they likely haven’t even had a fight yet so she doesn’t even know how he gets when he’s angry. Found out he was over there staying the night and leaving early before the kids got up. That was the point where I drew my line and said something to her and made sure to push the paperwork forward with my l…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/20 07:25 AM
4

Next door craigslist Ross and other similar stores and sites are your friend. Get things that are functional and you can upgrade later on once finances are a bit more known. Be patient with your kiddos during the transition. You might have some regressions and other issues as they settle in. This includes fighting with each other and general not listening. Sleep battles will probably be worse too especially with the room sharing. Let them have a say in some of the decor and things you get. It wi…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/20 12:07 AM
2

Fake it is part of it. Do things you used to do but haven’t in awhile. I walked away from a fight and took a bike ride by myself and it changed my entire outlook on my life and I knew in that moment I would be okay. It was like my fear of losing the relationship and her just evaporated. I realized that it was not within my control and the burden lifted. For meeting others try bumble BFF or meetup otherwise just talk to people doing things you enjoy. You’ll be surprised how welcoming most people …
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/19 08:16 PM
3

Goal is to get out of this relatively quickly and unscathed financially and emotionally, get more time with my kids, as close to equal time as possible. Fears are like other posters threats of domestic abuse and child abuse to keep the kids from me though I already have many overnights with them with no problems. Fear of having this be long and drawn out. Fear of not being believed despite my overwhelming documentation. Fear of getting a “traditionalist” judge who’s thinks guys bring home the mo…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/19 04:23 AM
2

The imaginary woman thing hits home for me too. I wasn’t a good boyfriend when we were dating and had wandering eyes but after we got married I have been 100% faithful for nearly 10 years. Not in her mind. Any hint of anything with another woman set her off and she was convinced there was someone else and that I’m sleeping with women constantly during this separation. It’s gotten so much so that she’s found the first guy that showed interest in her and hit the accelerator petal. Dude has met the…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/19 06:57 PM
1

I think it’s a good idea. They need a catalyst in order to trigger any sort of self reflection or change and even then it might not take. Status quo and general discussions will just be disregarded. If you want to help her and your family you have to try something new. That being said, protect yourself! Get copies of all records (marriage certificate, doctors info, as cards, etc) one of the biggest hallmarks of BPD is the fear of abandonment. Please do not be caught off guard by the level of pan…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/19 06:05 PM
1

Makes sense, thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/19 04:29 AM
2

So what all constitutes a legal summary? I have plenty of notes I’ve taken over the past year and some recordings but it’s a lot and I don’t want to pay a lawyer to spend a week to comb through all of it so I’m assuming the summary is a synopsis of all the rest of the data? Just curious as I’m starting the process off soon and tbh Reddit’s cheaper than a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/19 04:14 AM
4

Well put!
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/19 03:43 AM
3

Mine miraculously met someone before we’ve started paperwork and the guy has a toothbrush at her place and has met our kids several times. I’m trying to maintain a decent holiday for the kids but I will have my lawyer tighten the screws and make sure the judge knows all of this reckless behavior when I file early next year.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/19 03:39 AM
2

Best realization I had was the mantra of “I will not beg to be loved”. If she refuses to see the new me and let go of the past and doesn’t focus on herself and her issues rather than just blaming me, there is no relationship and I’m filing after the new year.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/19 08:12 AM
1

I’m right there with you. All the signs were pointing to divorce last November, maybe even earlier than that. She convinced me everything was my fault and I agreed with it so I spent the next year trying to make it right and be as kind and understanding as I could physically be. I also swore to myself I would try my best so that I could look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything I could to try to make it work woth their mom. I bent over backwards and made a lot of mistakes but I lear…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/19 08:13 PM
1

No. That is where I am at with my wife. I’ve tried for a year to try to appease that void and make up for my bad behavior and my own challenges with regulation and manipulation and control. I promised myself I would try everything I could to save my marriage so I could look my kids in the eye and tell them “daddy tried”. I’ve done that. Nothing’s changed. In fact it’s gotten worse. As she’s escalated I’ve gotten more frantic and clingy and stressing myself out even more to hit these unreasonable…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/19 08:57 PM
3

Is she in individual therapy? It sounds like she may be codependent or maybe have borderline traits. Not certified in anything just guessing based on my experience. If she is looking for you to make her happy, her head is not screwed on right. She needs to first find that love in herself and allow you to complement that love. You will never be able to fill that void and self doubt she has. My guess is a lot of the fights you have are just projection. You think she’s fat because she thinks she’s …
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/19 04:34 PM
7

I think you need to be honest with yourself and honest with her. Doing what is best for her isn’t helping her as your head won’t be in it 100%. Be completely up front about where you are at in your own growth and tell her everything out of respect for her and her time. It’s completely okay for her to want something serious and you don’t. What’s not okay is her thinking you are a possibility for that long term relationship when you clearly aren’t. Let her find the perfect guy for her that she nee…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/19 05:36 PM
2

Definitely, I’d love to hear about it and have done lessons learned and any pitfalls to be aware of. I get frustrated sometimes especially when I fall back into the anger and make mistakes with the kids but I always make sure to talk to them about it and say daddy is human too it’s okay to make mistakes but he is trying to get better. I just feel so powerless and much of my issues stem from a trigger of a loss of control and a feeling of helplessness so I’m trying to force myself into those area…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/19 01:41 PM
2

There is no separation agreement. That’s the problem. She’s worked me over so hard and fully convinced me I’m a worthless dad and husband and all the relationship problems were my fault. For many things she’s right I was pretty worthless and didn’t help much as I grew accustomed to her just doing things as she never had boundaries and works just do things of i didn’t. We had terrible communication which I also take a lot of responsibility for. She just expected me to be this amazing dad and step…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/19 01:25 PM
2

I have started using them, my wife and I are still in a hiatus trying to work on things while living separately so things are on hold for now. They've been responsive for the limited amount I've used them. When I had my initial consultation I really liked how they interacted in a no-nonsense way and I felt much more comfortable with Samera than I had been when meeting with two other attorneys I looked into previously.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/19 10:15 PM
2

Dadvocates if you have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/19 01:24 PM
5

Check out manly marriage revival. You don’t necessarily need the full book but the 10 steps doc they have is super helpful. Work on yourself, forgive her and be a better man. Either she will want the new you or someone else will. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m still separated from my wife since January, I still make mistakes I still say and do stupid things but I’ve found a therapist I go to regularly and am actively learning and implementing new skills. We still have good moment…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/19 11:39 PM
3

Echo most of these statements. #1 start taking care of yourself. Exercise, groom and get your mind right. Check out manly marriage revival. It has a ton of good tips. My situation was very similar but more extreme. She got terribly abusive, verbally emotionally, and even physically once or twice. Didn’t matter if it was in front of the kids or not. Do not let it get to that point. Try to listen and incorporate what she is asking you to do, but do not let her take your self worth. Do not let her …
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/19 01:38 AM
2

There’s a good podcast episode from the overwhelmed brain series on second chances. I’d give that a listen.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/19 04:33 AM
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