TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 Archive

View 5 posts and 117 comments by Salty-Rutabaga-3329 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
7

She and I combined our worst habits. Kind of like a fucked up Voltron. I exercised a lot. And I ate a lot. She sat on her ass. And she ate like a rabbit. Together we sat on our asses and ate a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 05:03 AM
1

You want to be as cooperative as possible which is somewhat tied to amicable. There were many times in my divorce where cooperation would have helped both sides both mentally and financially. Didn't happen. Her choice. After the divorce? Just a question of drama. Drama free would be the way to go in my opinion. Didn't happen. Again, her choice.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 01:21 AM
2

It was day to day for me. And it was all sorts of things at once. I worried about my dogs, where I'd live, keeping my kid in school, what I'd do if I had to keep charging my legal fees, work. But it was never about her in a romantic sense. That was the easy part.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 03:15 AM
22

Nah, I'm not big on the cupcake and a hug kind of forgiveness either. People who suggest it (especially when the wounds are fresh) can be out of touch. Apathy - the other type of forgiveness. What's done is done and you can strip it off and throw it in the dumpster.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 12:31 AM
1

Create a Google account. Organize Google Drive into folders. Document everything. Her SSN. Kids SSNs. Make copies of tax returns. Dump statements for everything in there. Take photos of pink slips. Put those in there, Document all insurance policies (especially health). 401ks. IRAs. Stocks. You'll need to do this eventually anyway. Get a password manager going. Use it to manage passwords and PINs. If you can change passwords without tripping her alarms, do so. Make sure you control your phone nu…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 05:05 AM
18

Definitions make a world of difference. Money out of my wallet to people who have passed the bar exam: about $30k A lot of other things hemorrhaged money tho. Realtor fees. 2% to 7% interest rates. Selling stocks low. Losing 50% of all assets. A job change directly related to depression. It's hard to calculate some of it. But it's easily six figures if not more.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 03:57 AM
3

Don't be afraid to ask for help and confide with people you trust. You might find unlikely resources. My dad helped me through a lot of it. I didn't see that coming. We had the "you're sixteen so get out of my house" kind of relationship. But he was there during my divorce. He had a way of grounding me, was logical, compassionate, totally different person. I tried not to lean too heavy on friends. But I confided in a few. I felt like a leech so I did it sparingly. One knew everything. She invite…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 03:48 AM
5

I do think about her. But it's not romantic. I watch Dateline just to see if she shows up on an episode. Pretty sure the "next guy" will either be submissively miserable or die from drinking antifreeze.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 03:12 AM
8

Gray rocking is about the best you can do. The drama fades with time. Be patient. My ex took all sorts of potshots like posting pics of both her work ID and DLs with her maiden name restored. She got 100 likes. The peanut gallery started trashing my last name. You know, uh, the same name my kids have. (I'm confident I have a cool last name hahah.) The rest was kind of predictable. She historically had a horrible relationship with her mom. They became besties through the divorce. She also made a …
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 03:09 AM
6

Sounds like a slow motion train wreck. I wouldn't stick around to watch it. Not sure how to advise you on money or housing. These things are mind numbingly painful. It's something about going from the current norm to the new norm. It takes time to accept it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 09:19 PM
17

Yep. But it's not a sweeping generalization. Since my divorce, I dated a single mom who was 110% on everything. Amazing person. Incredible mom. Incredible role model. Donated blood just because. Mentored students just because. Traveled to Honduras to help poor kids with dental issues. I learned a lot of things from her. Her high standards made her difficult to date. Sigh. FML. Contrast this against my ex-wife. She purposefully created overhead until the problems became too big to solve. Then she…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 08:24 PM
2

Doesn't matter. Or at least it doesn't matter any more than the 100 other random factors.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 04:50 PM
5

I've dated quite a bit since my divorce. I had a couple of rebounds. I found a couple of meaningful one-year relationships. I was quite smitten with the last one. (And I got clobbered in the break up.) So here are my observations. YMMV. The landscape changes after divorce. Trust is low. Exit plans are a thing. Most of the players have been hurt. Walls are up. Boundaries are much more rigid. Property is his or hers. That tight "we'll own the world" feeling is gone for good. It's two separate road…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 04:32 PM
2

Alternate interpretations: #1 and 2: She wants a divorce with healthy co-parenting habits established early. #3: She's sending a the "proper" message to friends and family that, yes, she is getting divorced, and yes, she is hurting. #4: Eh, this one isn't very meaningful one way or another. Tarot cards would be more useful. There are a few universal truths. You need to talk to people who know more about your relationship with her. You won't get good advice from 500 words or less on the internet.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 01:27 PM
2

23 year marriage. The feeling of being lost was overwhelming at first. That gradually decreased. It's been replaced with a feeling of liberation and accomplishment. I'm actually stronger now than I was with her. And I feel like I cut my albatross loose. Hang it there. It gets better.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 05:34 PM
2

I trauma bonded to a girl. She had problems with her kid. And I was in a bad divorce. And we had each other. Until we didn't. We broke up after a year of dating. In many ways, loosing her was worse than losing my wife. I finally had a functional relationship and it was a new world of travel and events and ... eh, just magic. I talked to a therapist about the break up. Therapist love bullet points. He told me that relationships have six stages - small talk, opinions, something something (hahah), …
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/23 12:09 AM
1

Loading the truck was a pain in the ass. Took hours. But emptying it at the landfill was a ton of fun. Took minutes. The landfill is a smelly playground of perfectly legal destruction. The heavy stuff was a strong man throwing contest. How many times could we get it to cart wheel before it breaks? The light stuff was a frisbee towards the horizon. One son helped. He enjoyed it. I usually tried to keep him out of the divorce. But I needed another set of legs. And it marked new beginnings for both…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 11:32 PM
1

The baby books went to mom. I think this is appropriate. Besides, I don't want my kids' umbilical cords. I'm sentimental. But mummified flesh is a limit. All the husband/wife birthday cards and anniversary cards went in the trash. Yearbooks went to whoever spent that year in school. Eh, I'm old. I had all the print photos plus negatives. I reduced those to just negatives. One day I'll scan them. It's just too much busy work for now. They'll do fine in a box for now. She didn't ask so I didn't tr…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 11:22 PM
2

I'd come up with a list of all the oddities in your marriage that might impact divorce. Then I'd go for consults. I would ask each lawyer what they think of the list. As someone else said, creativity is important. Any lawyer can run calculators. You want a lawyer who sees the rules more like guidelines with wiggle room. Don't bother with internet reviews. Lawyers are review proof. A small client base means at most a few dozen reviews. One star reviews are likely written in anger. Five star revie…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 11:03 PM
3

Noted for marriage #2. WA or bust
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 10:30 PM
2

I think this is a third rail. Approach with caution.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 10:28 PM
2

Really good advice. "Creative" is a strong virtue. My first lawyer was stuck in calculator land. He told me it would end up about the same no matter how much I fought. Nice guy, professional, wanted to save me money. He just wouldn't fight or pursue any of the dozen creative suggestions I made. My second lawyer listened. And the outcome was night and day difference.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 08:49 PM
1

Kids typically mean lawyering up. "She will fight" pretty much seals that. Perhaps have a sit down and figure out how far apart you are.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 10:35 PM
5

Nice job on recovery gains made so far. There are too many variables to give any decent specific advice. Finish the divorce first. Then keep a close eye on retirement. Get a financial planner. Figure out your retirement age and goals and ask the planner to figure out how to get there. I'm maxing 401k and Roth investments and I'll still be working to 65. This stuff is counted in decades. So there's no huge rush to figure it out.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 10:07 PM
1

You're going to need a thicker skin. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. No idea what the rules are in MA. That's probably the case for 98% of the reddit group. (Might adjust per capita or something.) Also ... it's internet advice. Reddit is good for brainstorming but not so good for launching a legal campaign. Figure out what the new debt looks like. If she's spending money on groceries or rent, tread a bit lighter. She could argue she's struggling financially. Ask your lawyer …
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 09:40 PM
10

Yep. I tried to be nice whenever I could. It was taken as proof that my soul wasn't completely crushed. So she doubled the effort.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 09:05 PM
4

20+ years of marriage. We both checked out years before. As far as analyzing, we had already done it. The shock of divorcing and thinking "this is happening" came with some acute pain that lasted a few months. There was some scrambling once I understood what divorce would do to my finances. The divorce was miserable. I absolutely blame her. Her behavior was atrocious. She cleaved the family in half. And she did that without reason. She doesn't spend time with our kids. She took every bad decisio…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 04:29 PM
7

Honestly, I'm not sure divorce has etiquette. If tickets are purchased and nonrefundable and you think the kids are going to enjoy it, I'd go. "She wants to be the better person." I'm pretty sure there's a much much bigger context where she's not the best her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 12:54 AM
5

Do not spend time alone at home. :) I spent my first Thanksgiving with a friend and her family. Definitely made a world of difference. I've found peace in solitude at dog parks, piers, bays, ... being a stranger amongst busy areas with a lot of people. The holidays are a good time to try new things. Make a project of something, anything. I did SUP, rented a hobie cat, and kayaked last year. Might be a good time to sign up for lessons for whatever you'd like to learn. Meetup has a lot of hiking g…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 12:15 AM
5

Live in the now. That sums up everything else. It's a version of the serenity prayer. It's an answer to overthinking. It's the accumulation of good karma. Live in the now. Make the best decisions you can for today. Go to bed feeling good about the decisions you made. Do the same tomorrow. Build.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 09:26 PM
1

Housing feels 2006-ish to me. I can't see how we're not approaching a peak. The homeless are stacking up. Tent cities are being staged in derelict parking lots. Renters are going to riot soon. Are you below the capital gains limit? If so, it doesn't hurt to wait. Throw the money into an index fund or hysa and watch the market for a year. Defeatism and catastrophizing are common in divorce. (I hate psychology yet here I am). Your mind is playing tricks on you. Stay even keeled, take time to make …
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 10:56 PM
1

The amount of stuff that will change between 35 and 80 is staggering. Getting married is not a solution. It's going to give 40/60 odds (maybe less) that you'll have someone to take care of you. Buy a house as soon as possible. Contribute to your 401k to at least get the most out the employer's matching contribution, preferably go higher... maybe 15%. Get a financial advisor as soon as possible. Instead of worrying about old age homes, worry about how you'll retire in your 50s. That's much more c…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 10:42 PM
6

Short of abuse or "crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed", blame is nonsensical. It's all about the dynamic. I'm paraphrasing something I read in an attachment style book. I only buy into this stuff at maybe 25-50%. Still, sometimes it gets it right. Betty has an anxious attachment style. She's needy and clingy. Bill has an avoidant attachment style. He needs distance. They break up over Betty's clinginess. Who's really at fault? Neither. They don't meet each other's needs. Communication migh…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 10:32 PM
2

It really depends on the people and motives. You need a therapist who teaches conflict resolution, needs, and support. You definitely do not want a referee. I think there's a natural pull to win over the therapist... which is bad. Counseling didn't work for me. My ex started screaming at the therapist. And I mean, SCREAMING. The therapist gave me business cards for two lawyers on the spot. Wish I were kidding. I'd imagine she drums up a lot of business if she has cards on tap like that. I didn't…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 09:47 PM
2

Eh, I'm commenting another time after reading some other comments. If you want concrete advice, you'll have to name a state. I would imagine most here know thier local process but not much else. I'm in CA. I divorced with adult children. The main forms were FL-100 (Petition), FL-120 (Response), FL-150 (Declaration of Assets and Debts), and FL-300 (For order requests like temporary alimony). There are probably many more forms if minor children are involved. CA also has a pretty extensive self-hel…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 06:35 PM
5

A lot of lawyers offer free consults. I'd start making calls. I think the petitioner/respondent initial volley was fairly trivial in my divorce. I don't quite remember. But I think it was a simple acknowledgement of a few restraining orders. Thou shall not empty bank accounts. Thou shall not run off with the children kind of stuff. If there is anything that resembles emergency or temporary alimony statements on the summons, call a lawyer sooner than later. Check for employee assistance programs.…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 06:19 PM
2

Well, the way I figure it, there are two paths. Forward thinking and now. Forward thinking is pretty fucked up during and following a divorce. It's the land of diminished possibilities and depression. Spend too much time here and you'll go nuts. Time will pave over and rebuild. But time is measured in years. Now is much better. You can control it. You can always make gains. There's a lot to feel good about. If you make a cup of coffee, you can do it perfectly, drink it by a window, watch the clo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 06:12 PM
5

I'm on Hinge and Match. It's easy to get likes and matches. The biggest obstacle is financial goals. Almost everyone in my age bracket is divorced. And I think women come out better in divorce. So there's a lopsidedness of women who own homes and guys who rent. I've gotten very explicitly rejected because of it. I mean, really nasty materialism. I'll be working to 65 or 68. And a lot of women want to travel now. Hinge has model level girls in my area. They do pilates, goat yoga, massages, have t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 05:39 PM
1

Yeah, you're getting screwed. Start with the assumption that you get half of everything including physical and legal custody. Then add alimony. I wouldn't personally collect alimony. It's evil incarnate not matter who pays or collects. But I wouldn't hesitate to use it as a bargaining chip if someone was unreasonably trying to take my children away from me. And I'd carry through on principle if there was enough friction (say she dragged it out / it cost above $20k in lawyer fees).
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 05:00 PM
6

I don't get the hatred either. It becomes counter productive after a while. My ex was just ... stupid... during divorce. Stupid is not a word I'm fond of but the only one that fits. She probably hemorrhaged 100k - 200k with heated decisions made by a scorned woman. She loved being in the driver's seat, the control, and the frustration it caused me. Really, the only move I had left was to grey rock. I wish you had the same option. Kids make everything even more insane. The courts entertain this s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:28 PM
7

Well, individuals always have problems. And couples always have problems. That's a given. The challenge is approaching problems in a constructive and healthy way. Divorces are usually the opposite of healthy. Battlefield mentality. If you think you're ready for a healthy relationship, go for it. It's difficult to be objective about your own state of mind, so be careful. My breakup with my gf was worse than my breakup with my wife. Really hit hard.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:15 PM
3

The depression comes and goes for me. When it hits, it hits hard. And it's mostly weekends or nights. I've been divorced a year. Journaling helps me. Meditation helps quite a bit. Time helps and hurts... double edged sword. Therapy has been hit or miss. Weed has helped. I'm super conservative with it. I take the minimum I can just to escape the depression. Otherwise, I really don't do alcohol or drugs at all except for drinking socially. I wouldn't recommend becoming a stoner. But in the end, I …
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:01 PM
1

California More than ten years means the potential for lifetime alimony. The exits are the payer's retirement, the payer's death, or the payee shacking up / getting married. <- This is all Google-able. Or open a conversation with ChatGPT. Just want to add a few things that are more rumors or anecdotal. I can't really back this up. But it's stuff I was told from trusted sources. The judge has crazy discretion. A lawyer told me early retirement may not be an exit. The judge can order alimony to a …
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 11:37 PM
1

Therapists will dance around elephants in the room if you let them. They'll drown you in bullet points and read you pages straight out of self-help books. You have to get the problems out there yourself. I'd suggest journaling and thinking hard on the issues to make sure you capture what is and isn't a show stopper before bringing them up. Otherwise it can turn into rabbit holes.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 05:54 PM
2

I had a similar marriage. We stayed together 23 years. It got worse every year. She entrenched on bad behavior and threw adult tantrums daily. It all broke in glorious form. There are some complex reasons I stayed with her. But in hindsight, life didn't turn out to resemble anything close to what I envisioned. I missed my goals. Staying "for the kids" backfired in the worst ways possible. And I gave the best years of my life trying to appease an albatross. If I had a do-over, I would have divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 03:49 PM
1

State? And are you still working? California has Family Code section 4325. Nutshell: No alimony for convicted abusive spouses. You won't be able to avoid splitting the retirement plan in my opinion. But talk to a lawyer. Talk to a financial advisor. From what I understand, social security is yours. (There's a clause where she can get social security based on your contributions but it won't affect your check.) There should be a bit of good news there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 05:14 PM
20

Women expect men to provide fulfillment. It starts with a diamond and jumbotrons, hot air balloons, and Fiji. It's all Disney-esque captured dragons, swords, and castle weddings. Men take a knee, a traditional form of begging, to make a woman's dreams come true. The truth is, any given individual, man or woman, will be lucky to make a dent on their own fulfillment. It's a complex road documented with many millions of pages in Hindu, Buddhist, and Christian texts (Islam and Jewish being related).…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 10:32 PM
2

Mindfulness is a good way to ride the emotions. There's a "watch the traffic on the highway instead of being part of the traffic" analogy (metaphor? never understood the difference.) Don't make any major decisions when emotions run high. Do not concede large things to gain favor. And as others are saying, don't pursue - it usually forces things in the wrong direction.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 06:41 PM
1

My ex stalled. My lawyer billed me $1000-$2000/mo for divorce that lasted two years. You'd think the bill would be light in the lulls. But that wasn't the case. I had to refile stale paperwork. And my ex-wife changed lawyers a few times. Both added to my fees. The divorce cost me in other ways. My ex stalled through the low interest rates which sabotaged either us from buying another home. We will both die as renters. She sold her share of the stocks low because she's an idiot. I kept mine and t…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 06:29 PM
1

Dude, I totally hear what you're saying. I told my lawyer I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I constantly paid $2000 a month for two years of nothing. My ex wouldn't respond to anything. It was the worst depression of my life. I came close to firing my lawyer. Friends gave advice that it's probably cheaper to stick it out than switch. But I was going crazy. I called to say I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and got billed for the call. I went into the MSC expecti…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 02:36 AM
5

State? Makes a world of difference. CA has something called a Mandatory Settlement Conference. For me it was a "get it done today or go to trial" day long meeting. It was also something of a gamble. Had she stalled the MSC, well, I'm told an actual trial is crazy expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 09:36 PM
1

I also divorced in CA. Grown kids, so can't help you at all there. As always, talk to a lawyer about this stuff. But here are some points to consider. A buyout isn't a bad option. Google "present value". Upfront payment will be lower than eventual payments. Think lottery cash up front vs monthly installments. Google Mandatory Settlement Conference. If the divorce is not progressing, this will create a kind of mock trial. I'm told alimony is always negotiable regardless of the length of marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 09:20 PM
2

I don't think LTR dating while separated is healthy at all. He's got too much on his mind. And he has no idea how to gauge it. But more than likely, it's a metric shit ton of stuff. Let him figure things out. Stay friends. August to October is counted in weeks. It's not a big investment so far. Be careful of "trauma bonding." There are different definitions. But I'm using it to mean building a relationship on relatable issues. You're helping him through the divorce. Or he's helping you through s…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 08:46 PM
1

So we dated, got serious, talked and planned a LOT. We came to an agreement on what our marriage would look like. We both agreed to be power earners, egalitarian, focused on home ownership, and we'd raise a family. I believed we were on our way to the American Dream. She reneged.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/23 01:55 AM
1

Second is considering what happens to the eX or trying to be fair or thinking she won't fuck you over. Yep. The Gombe Chimp War was stupid as fuck but inevitable for the same reasons that divorce is so painful. Lizard brain shit. Some say wars would disappear if women ruled the world. Any divorced guy knows this is complete bullshit. Women approach war with a laser focus on being the chimp that wins for various definitions of win, but all of them emotional. To anyone just starting out, being nic…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/23 09:27 PM
2

It depends on how you define costs. You worded the poll correctly. But it was subtle enough that I think all sorts of numbers got reported. But no. Lawyer fees are most definitely not the majority of costs. One definition of costs - money that just evaporated as a direct result of the divorce and went to neither spouse - my realty fees were $72,000. Another definition of costs - a decrease in one spouse's net worth which didn't evaporate, it just changed hands - 401k stuff. In my case, I lost $2…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 09:47 PM
2

Apples to apples is really tricky on this stuff. I only included money that went directly into my lawyer's checking account.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 08:37 PM
2

You need to talk to a lawyer. But I wouldn't move.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 08:16 PM
5

I was seeing a girl for a while. We got pretty serious. But it fell through. On paper it looked great. I really fell for her hard. Wonderful person. Did good things. Volunteered. Donated plasma. Mentored students. Ate well. Exercised. Goofy. Fun dates. I think her perfectionism killed it. It was constant judgement. Just for calibration, crinkling candy bags set her off. The judgement accumulated. I couldn't get her to reset and go to a clean slate. All her small little nitpicking stuff just adde…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 04:02 AM
5

Why is he out of state? Is this a relationship centered on Discord or a video game? Please say it's Second Life. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 10:47 PM
2

Yeah, some FOMO thing or sowing wild oats could definitely explain things. There could be a lot of valid reasons for her behavior actually. A manic episode typically includes spending sprees, binges, and a decreased inhibitions. Symptoms kind of build for a few weeks... kind of an acute thing. But there's no reason to suspect it's that... 40ish is late for the onset of symptoms (late 20s is typical). Has she ever had a manic episode or been diagnosed bipolar? Whatever the case, an explanation mi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 07:09 PM
2

30k. 2 years. Two grown kids. House. 401ks. Should have been simple. Ex enjoyed drama and driving up costs. It's a roll of the dice. Lawyers, exes, and outcomes are as unique as snowflakes.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 03:59 PM
1

You have a slow motion train wreck on your hands. It sounds like she peaked in her 20s and reverted to her high school glory days with all the accompanying drama. You're on to something with the midlife crisis if it was a bit more tame. But she's jumped the shark and the couch. So, I won't lie. Divorce is miserable. It messed me up for a good solid three years. It was my ex's choice (though I ended up filing for financial reasons). In retrospect, I'm 110% in a better place. I should have divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 02:56 PM
20

I did a sleep study last month. The tech glued 100 probes to my head while telling me about his divorce, job prospects, kid, and ex wife. Turns out sleep techs make minimum wage. I told him he could probably do better. I'll call him Bob. Bob's ex-wife remarried right after the divorce. Her new husband adopted Bob's toddler son. Bob gave up all parental rights. And he considered it a win. So maybe get your ex a paid subscription to a few dating sites. And for some reason, people tell me about the…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 10:24 PM
1

Agreed. Until you have a decree it's just a number.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 09:10 PM
1

Totally legit. Definitely not a r/shitpost.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 07:07 PM
3

Yep. Right there with you. You can try meetup.com. They have something for everyone. For me, it's 50+ singles, motorcycle riding, and music jams. The real obstacle for me is attending events. I'm the worst introvert imaginable. The singles one is the most difficult. The regulars know each other and fall into conversations where I feel like a fifth wheel. The motorcycle and music groups are great when I force myself to go and attend events. I'm doing online dating but taking a break. I was going …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 05:37 PM
5

Similar age. Similar length of marriage. I lost my house. I had the salary and cash to buy her out. But she was difficult and wanted to sell to a stranger. Shrug. That was fine. Because I was really on the fence about it. Interest rates were back up to 7%. My payment (tax, insurance, HOA) would have been $5k a month. I'd have maintenance - the HOA did squat. The home needed a lot of work. And I'd be starting over on a 30 year fixed. So I'd never really knock much off of the principle. I'd be bet…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 01:55 AM
34

I'm not sure there is such a thing as fully divorced. Divorce is the gift that keeps on taking.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 01:27 AM
2

I didn't know the process going into it. So I listened to my lawyer. We filed at the 2yr mark. One requirement was getting both sides to agree that forward progress had stopped. She kept changing lawyers so we had issues there. My divorce kept going and going and going. And you'd think, well, it's dormant. At least there aren't any accumulating lawyer fees. But there were. I kept having to refresh my income and expense declarations because of the time span. And she kept changing lawyers. That le…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 08:31 PM
1

Divorce is an exception. Or should be. That's the QDRO process. Retirement management companies like Fidelity, Rowe, Schwabb know all about it. They'll split the number of shares and make two accounts, both safe from early withdrawal fees. It never really hits the cash value phase, just number of shares. I don't know that a QDRO is absolutely necessary. I *think* it is just to really really make sure the split avoids the tax penalty. But some people claim they avoided it. Sounds like BS. Not sur…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 07:49 PM
2

Perhaps length of marriage means more than who called the time of death. I had 20+ years of marriage. But the actual marriage ended years before we divorced. So the emotional side was kind of meager. Separated. 90 days later slept together. Felt nothing. Divorced. It was easy to get over the emotional side. The financial side hit hard. 3+ years and I still don't feel I recovered fully. I'm 50+ replanning my retirement. It's probably the opposite for young couples. Emotional wreck. One or the oth…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 07:40 PM
2

My ex did this in CA. She stalled for two years. I filed for something called a Mandatory Settlement Conference. We all had to pile into a room (zoom conference) with a mediator and work through term sheets or go to trial. And that did it. The mediator got through to her. She finally cooperated. A quick google pulled up Texas Settlement Conference which sounds like it serves the same purpose.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 03:59 AM
21

Did you ever notice that on your own shit just gets done? So much win in this one sentence. Yeah, I did notice actually. It took more effort to convince her to participate and help than she ended up participating or helping. She was a net negative. Life without her is more than with her. Small stuff solved itself without her. And I get to focus on big stuff without being derailed every other day.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 03:48 PM
3

You should know the average cost of divorce in your area. You should know alimony rules and guidelines. If you both have retirement accounts, you should know the balances (without tipping her off). Retirement accounts may require a specialized QDRO lawyer. Be aware of that. Probably $500 - $5000. You should have an idea of how much the divorce will cost through those. Measure the need for a lawyer against what's on the table. Locality matters a lot with this stuff. Go on meetup and find a practi…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 03:30 PM
7

It's normal for credit scores to take a big hit in divorce. My credit rating dipped 200 points. But it does get better. My finances were locked by the divorce. I couldn't cash out RSUs (community property). House equity was definitely locked up. I couldn't sell assets. My kid went off to college. His car collected pine needles for two years. I couldn't sell it as she wouldn't entertain the idea. She dragged out the divorce. My lawyer fees hit five figures, then twice that, then three times. I pu…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 04:09 PM
2

Sounds exactly like my divorce. I made offers and got crickets back. And ironically, this drove up my lawyer fees. I kept having to refresh paperwork because of the time frame involved. I changed jobs. Old RSUs became vested. I filled up a few banker's boxes. She changed lawyers a few times which led to a full refresh of everything. I don't know if she realized she was causing all this mayhem by not cooperating. I think she caught hints that I was buried under lawyer fees and felt she was winnin…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 04:59 PM
1

Sure. Just take this as creative brainstorming, not advice. One option is to buy out of alimony by offering a lump sum in advance. This is what I did. It's the exact same concept as lottery winnings taken lump sum vs monthly payments. Google "present value lump sum" for more info. The risks of monthly payments are remarrying, your early death, or you becoming disabled. The psychology of just being done with it appeals to both sides. I think 90% of lottery winners take the lump sum. Another optio…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 07:01 PM
5

Financially - 90% recovered. Retirement is much further away. But day-to-day spending is way down since divorce. I was the bread winner. And she was a spender. Emotionally - 90% for me. 90% for my younger son. 75% for my older son. He hit a low of maybe 10% in college and is slowly recovering. He blames the divorce. It's complex tho. I think the divorce caused him to pick horrible friends in college and it cascaded from there. He got involved with a group that lived like the manson family, shopl…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 05:47 PM
3

CA is potentially lifetime after 10 years. One of the biggest issues with the CA legal system is that it's not systematic at all. It's a roll of the dice. I think a negotiated settlement is the place to get creative. I have a hunch that alimony outcomes probably differ empirically between negotiated and trial settlements in both dollar amounts and years. And I think shopping lawyers who understand that the CA legal system is not systematic is really important. My first lawyer said I'd owe $2500 …
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 04:12 PM
1

Sounds like a hellish experience to me. Communication and boundaries are important. Time to start having some serious conversations. If those fail, well, yah, that's your answer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 06:11 PM
2

What's up with moderation lately? A couple of locked posts without reason. All that's left is to delete them and we're back to r/divorce
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 06:08 PM
1

It gets better over time. And healing is non-linear. I had spikes of emotions all the time. Most were connected to an event, like my son's graduation, but the worst ones were kind of random. I think the demarkation point, for me anyway, was dating. I started dating six months after separation. I dated and broke up with a really awesome girl in the span of a year. That split hurt. Then I dated someone I really admire, awesome girl, for a year with similar results. Of all three women, the last one…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:58 PM
5

I'd go totally silent. There's nothing to win in the court of public opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:47 PM
7

Hinge has been good. In my area, though, can't even articulate it hahah. You'd have to see it to believe it. Girls invest in paid profiles with professional photographs. One woman is doing a friggin handstand on a horse. Another is doing her trapeze act for an audience. Very nice, very professional, very cliche profiles. Five pics. One portrait. One girl's night out. One international travel pic, usually someone picking up the Eiffel Tower with pinched fingers. One bikini shot. And one elective …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 01:46 AM
1

CA divorce I take it? I was told the MSC is a "get it done or go to trial" last ditch effort. My divorce was going no where. My then wife wouldn't do anything even though she initiated and insisted on the divorce. She gray rocked. When I got some of her docs, it was pretty obvious she just made up numbers. And she kept delaying and changing lawyers. Zero f**** given. So after a couple of years of absolutely no progress, we ended up in a MSC. The mediator was pretty clear, work it out TODAY (in t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 01:38 AM
2

Hahah. That's pretty damn gross.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 09:38 PM
4

There were emotional spikes afterwards but they had things driving them. The home sale was very emotional for example. Then the games. After my ex and I separated, my younger son chose to live with me so I was more or less a single parent. I made sure to INCLUDE my ex in his HS graduation. The school sent the graduation tickets to me. I made sure she got half the tickets to use as she pleased. A year later, she made sure to EXCLUDE me from my older son's college graduation. He was living on his …
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 03:21 PM
2

If you're finding therapy useful, one angle you can explore is schema therapy. From what you wrote, she's a bit out there writing her own rules on life. And she has "unrelenting standards" for adhering to her rules. You know, good luck with that. There's also some "punitive" stuff going on. Schema therapy can be helpful to identify incompatibilities. And seeing incompatibilities helps with acceptance on either keeping the relationship or abandoning it. It's a bit of hocus pocus, has that therapy…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 04:58 PM
2

Is this temporary or long-term spousal support? This is my understanding of the system: Temporary alimony is usually dialed in early at a slightly higher amount. A year seems kind of late for temporary alimony. Maybe her lawyer dropped the ball on this. Long-term alimony is either decided in a settlement without a trial or a settlement with a trial. And it is usually a slightly lower dollar amount versus temporary alimony. So are you at trial now? A year is faster than the average CA divorce. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 04:46 PM
12

I think relationships are morphing towards "two independent people who are connected for convenience." I'm dating a lot of girls who are better off financially. Pre-nups are a near guarantee. It's no longer "how do we build a life together" but more "if you can't keep up, I can easily drop you." I have no doubt my housing and my retirement will forever more be my problem. And that's how I'm approaching life. I'm sorry to hear about your accident. I'm sorry the marriage didn't work out. From my j…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 04:24 PM
11

I was in pretty dark spots through my divorce. I just kept telling myself I'd make it through it. It was time management for me. Time stood still. I was immortal, just not in an enjoyable way. But I knew if I could get through it, I'd be better for it. My best advice to you is to not make any major decisions. Do not do anything spontaneously. Do not communicate without sleeping on it for at least a night.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 03:57 AM
2

Therapy. Exercise (someone told me physical pain is easier to deal with that mental pain and they have a point). Friends. Family. Prescribed medications. Gummies when stuff got to be too much. Used sparingly. Not a big fan of recreational use. I didn't feel normal until six months after it all ended. Like, six months after everything was resolved. The divorce. Selling the home. Moving. Unpacking. Building up a new group of friends that have nothing to do with my ex. All of it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 11:37 PM
25

THE UNKNOWN. When will this finally get resolved? <- biggest oneWhat will my finances look like?Will I be able to continue supporting my son through college?Will I lose my job to depression?Will I lose the house? Some of those turned out positive, some negative. I kept my job. My son didn't have to stop college. I lost my house. And my retirement is in shambles. I won't be able to retire near my children... too expensive. But FML. Thinking about all these things all the time drove me absolutely …
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 05:32 AM
5

Incidentally, this is a default order on petitioning in CA. Once served, both parties are ordered not to cancel health, auto, life insurance, not to take out new loans, not to clear out checking accounts, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 12:13 AM
3

Weird. I'm in the same exact position. We have one loose end, splitting my savings. She refuses to cooperate which is bizarre. She'll be getting well into the six figures. We're stuck on it. Pure spite. But it's a deadlock (long and even more bizarre story). I cannot continue forward without her cooperation and she won't budge. I've tried to explain many times. E-mails, text messages, phone calls, letters, certified letters. All get screams and threats of restraining orders. I have to file a con…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 12:08 AM
1

I'm prone to blame. Maybe you are too. It sounds like she's sending a drowning message that you've done something wrong. Make sure you explore that. It might help if you take her down a notch in your own head (she shouldn't be able to control everything like she is) and tell her you're doing the best you possibly can. If she's not willing to meet you halfway, that's not on you. The word "halfway" is key here, for both blame and recovery.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/23 05:09 PM
1

Can't answer the first one. The second probably varies by state. In CA (community property state), debts and assets stop being community property at the "date of separation". That date is where one or the other calls it quits. That's a little too ambiguous for my tastes. I filed just to make it super clear. https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/divorce/property-debts
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 06:16 PM
3

"We are what we repeatedly do." I knew it was time when I drew a line in the sand. She stepped over it with the biggest smile on her face. I stuck it out a couple of more years but the marriage devolved into a game of mutual resentment and testing boundaries. We are what we repeatedly do. Find your boundaries. Be certain about them. Communicate them. If she respects them, great. If she doesn't, she never will. Sounds like an ultimatum. And I guess maybe it is. But it's also "rock bottom" and a c…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 05:56 AM
2

Dunno what your mean about things turning nasty. If you're borrowing her mom's car or something like that, and you need it, yeah, taking the credit card away may be bad. Otherwise, separation ends shared finances in my state. If you've separated or the divorce has started, and your state is similar, and you're not borrowing her mom's car, you should absolutely close shared accounts and open individual ones.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 05:30 AM
2

Does your state have temporary alimony and child support? That's the most immediate concern that I can think of. Talk to your lawyer. Ask when that gets decided. Also ask strategies for minimizing it. Staying with the kids in the house might be one such strategy. Lots of moving parts. Kids. Lawyers. Emotions. Money. Unknowns. Housing. Now is the time to practice the Serenity Prayer. Three categories: what you can control now, what you can eventually control (but don't need to worry about yet), a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 05:00 AM
1

My advice? Live there. Decide if divorce is really what you want. Major decision points will be (1) cost of divorce v. paying off accumulated debt and (2) the ability to work together to prevent future debt. You need to figure in alimony and retirement funds into the cost of divorce. The divorce price tag is going to be substantial. If you decide to divorce, get a separate bank account asap. Storage is $300/mo here. And I read some statistic that said stuff that goes into storage never comes bac…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 11:38 PM
1

Is it good legally? Probably not. Even if it was, in my area at least, those little accumulated advantages don't count for anything unless you go to trial. A settlement negotiated without a trial brushes over all that stuff. And a trial is so expensive that it dwarves all those little accumulated advantages. Is it good in every other way possible? Yah. Stay in the house. Change the locks once your lawyer feels she's legally residing elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 11:35 PM
3

Above a certain mark, salaries become a bit irrelevant. Relative modest disposable income ($24k disposable or $2k a month) lends an extremely lavish lifestyle. I work in tech and I think the demographics are a lot more favorable to minorities and women. My boss is a male. His boss is female. Her boss is female. And of my particular project, team leadership is 3 females and 1 male. So at work I see women well represented, maybe even over represented. Every other paragraph in job postings here sta…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 08:29 PM
17

My advice has been pretty simple so far. Live with her for five years before you marry. But if I were to sit them down and really explain, which is really difficult because ... well, people with kids know ... the explanation would be something like this. The best model for marriage is an emotional and financial partnership. Marriage should be all about maximizing this model. Do not marry a girl if you think you can do better. Do not settle. Do not think it's one of life's milestones and just a s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 04:37 PM
2

Yeah, I'd say you're definitely an outlier. I thought I had gotten raked over the coals. Sorry this happened to you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 05:06 PM
34

Same. It was all about what she could take away, not what she could keep. Here's the deal. Disney promises women they'll be taken care of. And this doesn't quite register correctly. Women think they'll be taken care of without any obligations. They'll get some schmo on a horse who gets all cut up to shreds to save the kingdom. And they'll probably spend the afternoon doing either goat yoga or a spa day. There is nothing that pisses women off more than telling them this is unrealistic. They go ab…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 03:27 PM
5

So background. I was the bread winner by a 4:1 ratio. She worked but earned less than she cost. She spent more on goat yoga, lady's nights out, and coffee than she took in. Her job was simple with a simple pension (which she kept). One court room. One county. One judge. She changed lawyers four times to be vindictive. I had to keep refiling stale paperwork. I refreshed my Schedule of Assets and Debts each time she changed lawyers. It took a long time to divorce so I also had to refresh paperwork…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 09:53 PM
3

Nah. Not at all. Should have said this in my post. I don't owe alimony or child support. I could see anyone who owes alimony being a bit pissed off. It's basically slavery in today's world.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 05:26 AM
3

I'm curious if my ex will have the same problems again. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was us. Maybe she really is that crazy. Maybe I'm crazy (I'm not). Or maybe we just had bad chemistry. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Life is an individual game when push comes to shove. And I dunno. I consider it good sportsmanship to try to encourage everyone to have the best game possible.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 04:56 AM
1

Similar. She moved out, insisted on divorce, and started spending on electronics, concerts, nights out. I filed so she couldn't pin her new debt on me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 08:34 PM
1

Make sure you look at the grocery and dining bills. I lost 100 lbs on HMR. It's a meal replacement tray food program thing with shakes and veggies between meals. That program was $350/mo/person. The rabbit food was super cheap. Compare that to overeating at home or at restaurants. Neither of us cooked. We ate out three times a day and visited starbucks and boba places between meals. Cost was probably $40/day/person. Or $1200/mo/person. I'm saving a metric shit ton of money since losing the weigh…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 08:22 PM
2

Somehow I read that as dog don't eat feces. Which they do. Right out of the litter box. I call them kitty bars.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 08:08 PM
3

Yeah, courts care. And in my opinion, this is one of the places where rubber stamp alimony is starting to be reformed. Well, first, like everything else in FC, it depends on state. There might also be family court laws on the book disqualifying alimony for an abusive spouse. A misdemeanor or felony abuse conviction is a deal breaker for alimony in some states. But there's evidence then there's evidence. Judges may only consider stuff like arrests and convictions. Court documents are good. Home p…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 02:54 PM
1

Second vote for meditation. Try a guided intro. I think Calm has one of the best intros. Also, gummies.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 12:47 AM
4

Well, healing isn't linear. And divorce is a huge life event. I think set backs can happen any time from now until forever. Like you, I have set backs when life takes a bad turn. It doesn't even have to be related to my ex. Just a lot of what-ifs. And you know, some of these setbacks are major. Some are "shit a brick" panicky stuff. I'll never own a house again while all my peers have 2% interest rates on homes that are almost paid off worth seven figures. I consider my setbacks an internal issu…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 06:37 PM
4

CA here. My first lawyer painted a bleak picture. According to him... I was married for almost 20 years so I'd owe LIFETIME alimony. Alimony can be adjusted to match salary (up and down) any time up to retirement. I would need a solid reason for my salary to go down. Resigning or under earning better come with a good explanation. If I legitimately lost my job I'd still owe alimony until I could get a court date to lower the amount. I guess the trick here is to have several months of alimony savi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 05:55 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter