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ThrowAwayRAOoops Archive

View 2 posts and 119 comments by ThrowAwayRAOoops on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

This is absolutely true. If there any chance at all of busting her out of the fog of her affair it is by doing this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/21 02:48 PM
2

I don't see any reason to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/21 02:47 PM
3

At best daycare type expenses (which a nanny might fall under) would be shared 50/50. What will she do if you stop paying for it? A Nanny is excessive...previously was your child just in a regular daycare? Yes, you can ask for receipts before you reimburse. You shouldn't be forced to pay an expense you haven't had any input on. If it was a unilateral decision then stop paying. If your incomes are the same and your time with the child is the same - why are you paying any child support at all?
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 02:53 PM
2

It is common to make arrangements to split extra children's expenses. It is also common to argue about them until the end of time. The birthday party? Maybe. Sports activities, you both should support them and contribute to them equally. That can include that when she needs help getting your child to their activity on her time - she might ask you - you are their father after all. It's reasonable to work together on raising your child. If she signs them up for something without getting you on boa…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 03:40 AM
4

If you can get out of alimony obligations and keep your retirement - that is NOT bad at all and if the dollars add up to something equitable then do it. Just make sure you get a discount on the retirement funds that is as high as you can negotiate since those $$$s are pre-tax. That means at least 20% off the top but most attorneys ask for something like 40% I'm told. So if you can keep that AND eliminate any obligation for spousal support/alimony AND your kids get to stay in their childhood home…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 12:02 AM
2

You're asking us how you 'win.' You don't. Nobody does. It sucks. Check your spreadsheet for errors. I had a similar sheet that was causing me to spin out of control until I found my errors.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/21 12:00 AM
8

record them regardless - you just keep them to yourself so you can keep track of things should the facts be skewed.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/21 04:54 PM
2

This guy is realizing that friends last longer than wives. He's not ready for your interest but he will absolutely benefit and appreciate from your friendship. He may even start dating but my advice to you - steer clear until his divorce is final. Give him some time to get his angst out and continue to be his friend. A good friendship is a great way to move into something more in the future and is more likely to last in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/21 04:23 PM
1

Even if you end up paying it - it won't be for more than 1/2-2/3 the term of the marriage depending on where you are. If you're in California the Gavron warning is your friend.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 10:25 PM
2

She will be responsible for her own bills. You're not going to pay her rent directly (indirectly through child and spousal support). It depends on which state you're in. Expect to pay child and spousal, expect it to be higher during the short term period before your divorce agreement is finalized and while she's rebuilding her home (and you're rebuilding yours). I would not expect that you will keep paying her bills and once you're paying child support - extra expenses related to the children sh…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 10:23 PM
3

If it's going to help your kids and you truly are making it through this amicably it probably doesn't hurt much to do the picture. Doing it for them isn't terrible. We all do things for our children that involve our exs that we wouldn't do if they didn't exist. Just don't Martyr yourself to your own detriment as THAT will actually hurt your relationship with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 06:45 PM
2

File an emergency custody order. It isn't reasonable for her to move away if it affects your ability to maintain 50/50 custody. It's normal for divorced couples to be bound by jobs and school districts they don't particularly want to stay in (unfortunate for your wife) to maintain the 50/50 custody schedule that both parents are entitled to. If she wants to move away and can't make a good case for her getting more custody for whatever reason then she has the option to give you more custody and m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/21 04:10 PM
5

Unless your in a fault state then it really doesn't matter and you're just pain shopping. We all do it. Totally understandable. Don't break any laws.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 06:10 PM
1

Good friends. Hobbies. Get outdoors. Work on your health. Therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 01:59 AM
4

DON'T THROW AWAY EVERYTHING TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING THAT MIGHT NOT BE AS MUCH AS YOU THINK. Where are you located (jurisdiction) How long were you married? You might be able to do a buy out that isn't as much as the equity in your home but still gets you out of alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 11:02 PM
1

Don't talk him out of getting married - talk to him about getting some prenuptial financial counseling AND marriage counseling to understand what each of them have as expectations for the other and themselves as they move toward marriage. It is important to have open and honest communications between two soon to be spouses about what each of them expect of themselves and the other going into a marriage. That alone may expose something to him that 'doesn't fit' but if they both go in communicatin…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/21 10:46 PM
1

Make sure your wife isn't a named beneficiary to the inheritance AND then when you get it, if you're still together put it into an account that is separate from your other community assets and then don't touch it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/21 11:54 PM
2

Yeah, in most places you would be able to get Child and Spousal support as the lower wage earner. Wouldn't like be forever but with a 15 year marriage I would be asking for 10 years of Spousal support. I haven't looked up Florida's laws though...
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 06:28 PM
4

It's normal. Child support is intended to make sure the child's living conditions in both homes is as close to the same as possible. Even if you're 50/50 - if you're making a ton more than your EX then you'll pay Child Support. If she isn't working full time though, her income should be based on her 16/hr at full time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 06:54 PM
2

I did it. It was the worst. Difficult but it was a heart to heart conversation. They both took it their own way. One's pretty angry at both of us - me for hiding it from him for so long and her for doing what she did. The other is choosing to be angry at the affair partner more than anyone else. I gotta get these kids some therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 05:23 AM
3

The reason I have kept quiet is because 1) I wanted to secure my finances away from her without pissing her off too much. 2) I didn’t think divorcing her would take the better part of two years. That’s exactly how I see it though, she fired me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 04:21 PM
2

Exactly. That's where I am at right now. I needed time to cool off today. I've told them in the past I would let them know when I am ready to talk to them about the things I can't talk to them about.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 06:07 AM
1

I agree with you, I have NOT completed dealing with it in a productive way as wounds like this take time and she is doing everything she can to prolong even the finalization of the divorce. I was upset - it was upsetting to yet again be faced with her breaking an agreement and my kids simply didn't understand why it was a big deal. I didn't yell at them or anything like that but I was blindsided and having just returned from dealing with a minor health issue with our other son - I came home and …
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 06:05 AM
2

I was where you are now a year or so ago - I promised her I wouldn't alienate them from her but the reality is - this is not my secret to keep. It is not my burden. My mother did this but what she didn't know is that I knew already. In fact, I knew before she did which still haunts me. She didn't want to bad mouth my father though so she kept it to herself - still does. My dad on the other hand has choice words to say about her and her husband though they have done nothing wrong. I'm not going t…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 01:52 AM
2

I expect that it could go some way for mine as well when this comes out - I really don't care about him and I wouldn't have stopped them from meeting him had she followed the agreement. I can't stop it - it's not something I can control.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 01:23 AM
2

What is the 'right' thing though? I've resisted telling them the truth but always intended to do so once things were signed and done - it's just taking SO FUCKING LONG to get finalized. I'm ready to tell them now. I'm itching to but I don't want to do it while I'm angry. It's also not my responsibility or problem. These were her choices and I'm not going to suffer any more than I already have because of them. I'm not taking bullshit situations where she makes me look like the bad guy AGAIN and m…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 12:52 AM
1

The 2nd job will count as an increase in income - it's a change of circumstances and it can work against you in how much you pay. Basically, unless you've negotiated a cap in the marital standard of living then you'll pay more. Child support will definitely go up. If your wife is working part time, her income should be imputed to full time. You should be paying on her FULL TIM income even if she is choosing to work part time. You can't CHOOSE to work part time and she can't either. She is expect…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/21 08:12 PM
1

Yup, it SUCKS. It sucks less than being in a shitty marriage to someone who doesn't care about you but it still sucks. It changes things quite a bit for everyone but the most for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/21 09:09 PM
3

He's not wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/21 06:26 AM
1

The deal doesn't sound bad but it needs to be worded very specifically so that in the end it is able to be held up in court if it has to be enforced. You say you're trying to avoid lawyers but who will write it up so that it is enforceable? When ever I hear someone say 'I'm trying to avoid a lawyer" I never understand why they aren't going to look for a good professional who can help them understand their rights at a minimum. Just because you talk to an attorney doesn't mean it has to go to cour…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 05:55 PM
1

You mean ‘exit interview’ right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 05:40 PM
1

It actually came during the marriage though. It wasn’t “earned” but it was received. I hope you’re right-that will certainly make life easier, and of course I will ask every attorney I interview while doing consultations. But as I said, I just thought I would ask here while I’m attorney shopping. Considering it's not a liquid asset it's probably safe unless you treated it as community property in some way. My inheritance was some cash, not a lot but some from a relative and I had even put it int…
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/21 08:37 PM
1

As long as your the one named and not both of you then unless your jurisdiction is different it's yours. In California I believe it would be yours. Mine was. The income from the property however could be obligated to spousal and child support. If it isn't actually going into your pocket though and going into your business it could be safe.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/21 08:34 PM
2

Where are you? It matters.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 06:48 PM
4

First we don't know what your jurisdiction is so any insight will be generalized. Second, we aren't attorneys here. 1) Date of separation is just to establish when you separated finances. It's the end of community property essentially. You stop sharing. Community assets are usually valued at the same time but don't have to be because it's complex but if the valuation is done well after the date of separation and lets say you've been paying the mortgage for a year or two after - then you should g…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 06:47 PM
3

In the state of California and I believe much of the US temporary support orders are HIGHER because the person being supported is building a new household or replacing things that were taken by the other spouse. It is also considered a time for rebuilding and so higher support payments are usually ordered. It's referred to as Short Term support vs Long term or Post Judgement support. ​ My support went down considerably "post judgement." It's also common for "post judgement" support to start befo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 05:12 PM
2

Things like summer camps, music lessons - things that are over and above what child support is supposed to cover. Our agreement has it listed as extra children's expenses and either something we have agreed to split (like their phone bills which now she has one on hers and I have one on mine but up until this month they were both on my plan), their sports and academic extras or one time big ticket items that are over $250. I do pay her child support. We're supposed to an 'extra expenses' true up…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 03:11 PM
1

I don't disagree with you but were I to have more kids it would definitely be with someone who was mid-20s to early-30s if I could find that. I'm not really into the idea of starting over with kids though. We'll see how things go - the thing I have going right now is really great and I would really like to travel her and spend time with the kids I have.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/21 04:49 AM
3

Through your attorney - you can't force her to do anything though. If your concern is your credit score you may need to pay the bills yourself to be sure it's cared for properly. Not fair but nothing is.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 02:31 PM
5

Do you have children? Why doesn't she work? How old is she? Has she ever worked? Where are you located (US State?) You've only been married ~5 years so if you're in the US most states consider that a short term marriage and you won't owe her lifetime spousal support/alimony. you might pay something for a few years but it really depends on her ability to work. You might have to support her for 2-3 years with some sort of Alimony/Spousal support and if you have children you'll pay child support as…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 05:14 PM
11

You're feeding her need. Narcissists thrive on conflict, it energizes them. You're never going to get her to say 'oh damn, you're right - I'm sorry.' That is NEVER going to happen. Do not engage, go grey rock. It's a narc your dealing with, not a bully. Similar but different - narcs can bully but stop playing her game by her rules and losing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 06:17 PM
9

Nothing wrong with a good prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 05:25 PM
6

Do not respond to anything that isn’t relevant to the exchange, pick up times/dates. Stop getting down on her level. You look as bad as she does.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 05:23 PM
13

Dude, you’re as bad a s she is. Stop engaging in the text battles. Just. Don’t. Respond.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 05:22 PM
3

This sub seems pretty tame to me - tame enough for me to be part of it as I am not at all MG. Not getting married again probably though....
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 03:02 PM
13

File for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 09:56 PM
1

It's hit and miss - if you can get her to agree to then that's great. I was able to get mine to do so, assuming your kids get to keep their house it's in their best interest. If she won't go for it you could just say 'fine, lets sell it.' She still won't get the money. Also consider the cost of capital gains in the deduction to her payoff if your value is high enough (depends on where you are - it matters where I am).
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 09:28 PM
2

Basically - I'm on the edge of being too old really but I'm not really - I could find a nice lady in her 30s probably who liked older dudes (47m) and have some more kids. I love my kids, I'd love to have more. Right now I'm in another relationship with someone my age though and if that were to last obviously not having kids with her. I'm planning a vasectomy soon - it's scheduled for next week but I need to reschedule it for later in September.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 09:13 PM
3

Maybe her parents support of her can be counted against her when you figure out how much you need to pay her for child and spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 08:52 PM
1

Judge will likely do guideline calculations but I really don’t know. Maybe private school is just something you can’t afford anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 02:20 AM
1

Lawyer, ASAP. File, ASAP (probably can't get out of the 1 year waiting period but you need that to start ASAP and she either has to be served or voluntarily acknowledge it to start the 1 year waiting period). Do not move out until you have a custody arrangement in place. Once she's had the baby (on her own) she won't be able to care for your kids as well so in your custody plan account for the fact that they will be with you MORE and that child support should be adjusted accordingly during that …
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/21 04:20 PM
8

Why did YOU move out? She should have moved out to be with her new source. Take her back, move back into your house. Then File for divorce and STAY IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. If she doesn't want to be with you, she can leave. Do not leave your children. You still might end up with a week on/week off type schedule with 50/50 custody but it's better than what you have now. If she doesn't agree to move out then tell her it's time to sell. If it is a rental then it doesn't matter really but by you stayi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/21 03:48 PM
2

Extra Children's expenses should be called out separately in your decree and if you're paying child and spousal support then you have basically equalized the pay differential as much as the state requires and expenses going forward for items that aren't run of the mill clothing and other necessities should be split 50/50. We do a quarterly true-up on expenses (though she's extremely slow to respond because she usually owes me money). Expenses like music lessons, sports, day care, camps, all that…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/21 07:59 AM
2

That's what I meant. Spousal - 7 years isn't long enough for lifetime - even being over 10 and close to 20 isn't really the barrier to get that unless folks are nearing retirement and the lower wage earner has no hope of meeting the marital standard of living.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/21 08:43 PM
2

Can't be for very long since they were only married for 7 years - it doesn't say how long he will get this but the norm would be what - 3-4 years?
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/21 03:59 PM
1

In my experience just an OFF button.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 06:39 PM
3

Yeah - totally man - good that you're getting help. You have a tough road - I don't usually look at post history but the back and forth - I could tell something was missing. BPD is tough. Dealing with the religious stuff is tough. Not being sure about yourself is tough - you have a lot of tough stuff. It's okay to be a work in progress. It's okay to make mistakes. Some of the folks may not accept you for who you are - hopefully you can do the work needed to prevent your kids from being alienated…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 08:44 PM
3

Look at his post history - there is a lot he's leaving out here. He needs help though, he's dealing with a highly religious wife who won't accept his sexuality and that situation will probably alienate his children from him if he comes out as bi-sexual. Mom is probably a bit on the religious side and doesn't understand or accept that he's bi-sexual. She is entitled to her perspective whether we agree with it or not (I don't). He may not have even known he was bi-sexual when they married - who kn…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 05:51 PM
1

Well it is, it just isn't reasonable. I understand why she might not want to see him but she isn't entitled to it (at least not likely). One distinction here is that for some reason he only has visitation and not shared custody (based on the words he's using) so it sounds like it's possibly supervised visitation at the moment maybe. If that's the case and if he doesn't have custody rights at the moment, maybe she does have some grounds on the school stuff - I'm not a lawyer and I've never had to…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 05:14 PM
1

He cheated on her and doesn’t understand why she’s setting boundaries for him now. I don’t want my cheating ex in my house either but occasionally it is needed because of our children.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 02:31 PM
2

Unless you mean your own mental disorder then you were 100% in control of putting your dick in someone other than your wife’s mouth.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 02:29 PM
2

There is always something but yet you still deflect your part. You can’t control what she does or did, just yourself and you made all the choices to get there. Deflect and defend even when it is indefensible.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 04:18 AM
3

It wasn’t random, you made a lot of little choices to get into that position. You still thinking it was random means you haven’t taken responsibility for all of your choices that got your dick in someone other than your wife’s mouth.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 10:54 PM
7

Yup, your betrayal still stings her even though she tried to reconcile. Your actions have consequences, she doesn't trust you and you've proven you aren't trustworthy. Cheating is a pretty significant betrayal and expecting her to treat you the same as always kind of shows how quite simply out of touch with how others are affected by your actions you are. She can't go no contact with you because you have children together. I know that if I didn't have children with my ex - I would never, EVER sp…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 09:53 PM
5

She can't stop you from going to their school or to church but she is well within her rights to deny you entry into her home. Did you cheat on her or her on you? I know when my wife left because of her cheating I absolutely wanted to set boundaries where I wasn't going to enter her place unless i had to. I've never used her bathroom, nor do I want to. She still comes into the (my) house at this point since we're still working the divorce but I prefer she doesn't come in. I'm not sure how firm a …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 09:18 PM
1

You need her to get a job. Start there.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/21 06:32 PM
1

Nope. Inheritance is separate property. It isn't a bargaining chip for you at all. Unless you are also named as a benefactor in the will - you're out. It's not yours. Step off.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/21 06:30 PM
7

you know what I always say... ​ 'bitches be trippin'
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 08:27 PM
2

I came here to say this. Not providing an answer often becomes an implication that you're guilty in some way. Ex cheated. When I'm asked I've simply started saying 'I know the definition of monogamy and she's struggles with it.' You're giving her control of the narrative.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/21 10:36 PM
3

If VA is a community property state it really doesn't matter.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/21 10:59 PM
2

The more you practice NOT reacting to her bullshit and also NOT being surprised by her bullshit will probably lead to her escalating it in just the wrong way that actually DOES get a judges attention. You want her to out herself as the crazy you claim she is. You yelling 'hey! Look over here!' won't get anyone's eyes on it because they hear that all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 09:14 PM
2

Yeah, I kind of had something similar happen with me where I was the dude just starting divorce. I started too soon - I wasn't ready and I backed off with a woman and told her I was feeling like your dude said. Too soon, I do like you and asked if she would be open to being friends? She had been through divorce too - understood and agreed to friends. We're still friends even though I am dating at this point but not dating her. She was also ready to move very fast into a blended family idea and m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 08:48 PM
3

I've been torn on this myself. In the past when we were together we always made a pretty good showing around days like birthdays, mother's day and father's day. My ex kind of hated the pressure of gift giving - it stems from her childhood and I think not getting a lot of attention in that regard. I on the other hand love giving gifts - not necessarily expensive gifts but thoughtful ones. I like getting just the right thing for a person. Since we've separated, I have had a real hard time with wha…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/21 08:00 PM
3

Are you getting help for what sounds like may be an anxiety issue?
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/21 04:05 PM
9

Needed for what exactly? Most of the time when someone asks for space it’s so they can keep going with their affair. I don’t regret mine at all. My ex wanted to separate but she wouldn’t commit to maintaining a monogamous relationship so I said fine and sent her divorce papers.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/21 03:02 AM
3

It really doesn't matter if it is a joint or a separate account - most states are either community property or marital property - if it was earned during the marriage, etc. The only time I think it MIGHT matter is if it is an inheritance deposited into a joint account. In that case unless you can completely document that money it would be considered commingled and it would become community or marital property to be split. On that one I know because I had an inheritance I deposited into a joint s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/21 02:42 AM
3

Assuming you're splitting your 401k you can also give her that amount you owe her more in the distribution of assets. Most of the time dollars are not consider whole dollars in a retirement account because they are pre-tax. Attorneys often try to negotiation the value of a retirement $1 down as much as they can on the receiving side. Still - divorce is an exception to th 10% withdrawl penalty AND in the QDRO she can take it as a roll over into another qualifying plan or as cash or you can do bot…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/21 07:59 PM
1

What you detailed isn't 'all of a sudden' unhappy. You've been dealing with this for years but I would challenge you to understand what you have done to work on the relationship yourself. What part have you played?
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/21 07:07 PM
1

Being unhappy is more than enough reason to get a divorce. Honestly, the best way to avoid the 'divorce rape' scenario you have in front of you is to have her get a full time job where she can earn enough to start supporting herself. Since it sounds like she's never worked much during your marriage her ability to earn is likely low but if you can get her working asap then you can get an income established to help in the spousal support calculations. Most likely you'll have to split much of your …
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/21 03:39 PM
2

Perhaps call them yourself again and say she's keeping you from being able to see your son and report her for making false DV claims. Again, the chain of command at the Police Dept is there for you as well.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 08:56 PM
2

Your judgement should detail how much you will owe her upon dissolution of the marriage based on the equity in the house. It should also detail how much time you have to get her that money after the refi is completed in your name. The refinance cannot likely be completed WITHOUT the quit claim being signed (per my mortgage broker) so she technically has to sign it first. Then the refinance completes and if you're using money from the refi to pay her - once you have that money you can pay her. Yo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 07:44 PM
5

I would ask to talk to a supervisor at the police station. They are handling the situation incorrectly (or you're leaving out important information). Failing the chain of command at the police station I think your attorney is the best source of information honestly. You're being kept from your son as well as your home - if the charges can be proven false you could bring something into the courts against her regarding her false statements to police implicating you in domestic violence. Not only i…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 07:07 PM
1

Depends on where you are but in CA there are some provisions for situations where the other party is needlessly wasting time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 05:41 PM
13

oh my fucking god I know man. At one point I was telling my STBX 'fine, go be happy if being happy means you have to be with this other guy. Mind you he is STILL married 2 years later (at least I can see that he hasn't filed for divorce and still appears to live with his wife)... At the time though she said to me 'Just so you know, his wife is really mentally ill.' I was like - so? I'm not. She's mentally ill so it's okay to do this to her (I doubt she is so mentally ill that she can't handle a …
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 04:40 PM
1

I fucking love my lawyer. It’s not her fault my ex is doing her best to delay.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 03:22 AM
1

Calling the cops will help you document her abusive nature and can help you with your divorce case. If she were entitled to support the presence of abuse can help you make the case to not have to pay spousal support after divorce (you usually aren't required to pay support to your abuser).
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/21 11:25 PM
5

My lawyer didn't charge for the first consultation. I paid my retainer and that will be used to cover the last bill so I've been billed going forward per her hourly rate. When we're done, I'll either get the retainer back or she'll take her final bill out of it and I'll either get the bill for what is left of what I owe her or I'll get the difference in what is left of the retainer. Her retainer is normally $5k for a regular case but since I was just consulting with her through mediation she onl…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/21 10:54 PM
7

Bullshit in this case he worked for 6 years for this startup and she was married to him for 3 years. She still takes half which is BULLSHIT. It isn't fair. Don't invalidate the man's feelings. It isn't that thinking about it the way it is will drive him crazy - it's when folks tell you 'it's fine and you shouldn't even be mad' that is infuriating. It isn't fine. It is unfair when one party works demonstrably harder than the other but equitable distribution makes it seem like the efforts were equ…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 09:26 PM
2

If you can do the contempt filing yourself then do it but if not use your attorney to contact her. In my agreement for a few things it is very specific that if I have to enforce anything about those items and that if she isn't absolutely up front about the situation (cohabitation) and I figure it out on my own that she will have pay me back for my legal fees and other expenses as well as retroactive support refunds in the event I have overpaid her since she should have told me ahead of time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 08:06 PM
3

With your similar incomes and the short time you were married she wouldn't have much legal standing for much in the way of spousal support. Let her try. If she were to get anything it would likely be almost nothing for 18 months (have the term of the marriage). Do yourself a favor and just get an attorney and file for divorce, have the attorney draw up a settlement that gets you OUT but pays her nothing. In exchange for nothing she can keep the car and the apartment and you two split any debt an…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 07:42 PM
1

All 'marriage' is is a contract for how to distribute your shared property when or if it doesn't work out. I gamble very little in life. The odds are bad. The relationships that last the longest are usually siblings and friends. I'm not against long term relationships but at this point in my life I'm also not dumb.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 11:07 PM
1

That's pretty much how it's done even in the event that one party is paying child support. I pay child support. We split big ticket expenses THAT WE AGREE ON. If she wants something that I don't agree with though it's on her to pay it (and vice versa).
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/21 09:50 PM
2

Yeah, anything that shows up as income for you will be something that child support will be calculated from UNLESS you have negotiated a specific child support amount that is not based on the calculators most states use. Not many low earners go for that though... If you're getting 50% of the time with the kids AND your EX is working then the child support will be based on the difference between your incomes. So if you make 100k and she makes 50k - that difference is where child support comes int…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 04:45 PM
2

I would absolutely look into it at a minimum.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 05:39 AM
2

I'm not an attorney but here is an interesting family code section you might want to review: Context matters probably and if you haven't already talked to an attorney and let them know about this history of your STBXW having some DV charges filed against her and her being convicted of such - if you were the victim you may be able to take that 'tool' away from her. I believe in this case mediation isn't the right place to be - you need an attorney who can help you navigate this situation since th…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 03:47 AM
1

I saw this one too. Good grief.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 05:09 PM
2

I can't even imagine how it's enforceable at all.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 04:59 PM
1

Ooof, mental note - never marry and have children in Illinois. Good grief that's oppressive.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 03:43 PM
2

You're probably right. I can relate too - I have been seeing someone who I met soon after separation. We happen to hit it off, we're very compatible and enjoy each other's company. She knows I don't want to get married again. We're a bit older than you are of course but still - I can't stomach the idea of combining finances with someone again. It isn't that I don't trust her it's that I haven't had a lot of luck with who my partners have turned out to be. If she were to press the marriage angle …
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 02:53 PM
7

It really is, don't reveal your hand until to have to. You may not have much in assets but you have your future. Spousal support obligations can perhaps be eliminated if there is a history of abuse on her side. The DV arrest is evidence of such but if it's old it might not hold up. In California if someone who is receiving spousal support is found to be abusive the person who was paying them, as the victim can have their support obligation eliminated.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 02:50 PM
1

What state is that?? I'm just curious. It isn't that I don't want to help my kids with their higher education but this divorce has pretty much taken that option away from me for at least my oldest (when my youngest gets to that age the spousal support ends about the same time). When our children turn 18 and are graduated from high school their expenses are technically no longer our responsibility so I don't see how someone could be 'mandated by law' to pay for their adult child's higher educatio…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 02:46 PM
1

Actually that isn't true. When you file for divorce it also is supposed to put in place automatic temporary restraining orders from doing exactly what you describe - taking on a lot of debt or spending a ton of money in unusual ways. Depends on where you are I guess though.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 04:25 PM
1

Well, it wasn’t good but I think the worst case is that your half of that 401k will be reduced by the amount you took. It’s common to take on debt during a divorce. I’m resistant to it as well but there isn’t a lot of way around it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 06:38 AM
0

Yeah, kind of a few variables here you should talk to your attorney about. Where are you, date of separation, stuff like that. Generally though the courts don't expect you to be working 80 hour work weeks to support two households. If a lot of your income is based on overtime - I'm not sure they fully count all of it. I'd be wary, your work ethic is noble but it may hurt you more that it helps you or it may simply be a wash in that instead of getting out of debt sooner you pay the interest on th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 11:45 PM
1

50/50 is often assumed but really it should be an 'equitable distribution of assets.' That means it doesn't have to be 50/50 but it probably will try to be. Child/Spousal support is usually based on income and not on expenses/needs. So her housing expenses do factor into it but I'm not sure if it will reduce things as much as you're saying. She will still likely have to pay property taxes which means her expenses won't be zero. She can agree to less on those fronts but Child support is a calcula…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 07:58 PM
2

How long were you married, what's you're age range, where are you located, how old are your kids, what's her level of education? Can't really tell you anything until you give that information. If she can get a real job making a living wage she should be compelled to do that in some way. If you're selling the house look at splitting the 401k too so that the tax basis for it goes to her instead of all staying on you. You need to really look at what's the right outcome for you. Child support is one…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 12:06 AM
1

Go to the marriage councelor to help you define what you’re seeing and experiencing. It can help you better communicate your needs and boundaries to your wife. If things are salvageable it might help. If they aren’t it will help you understand why beyond just the obvious that she doesn’t want to work on it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 05:15 PM
2

If you agree to it the courts won’t argue.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 05:06 AM
5

Tell her to move out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 04:36 AM
5

As a guy in a similar situation I can say your attempt to help is admirable but it also shows that you know you can't be the one he leans on. You mention that he leans on friends and I'm sure he leans on you a bit. Some of these comments are pretty harsh but there is truth in them depending on the situation. How long has he been separated? Short time? Long time? If it's a short time then him jumping into dating is questionable and you both should be careful. He's in a vulnerable spot and you aff…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/21 05:15 PM
2

Yeah, mine is a feminist as well and it doesn't matter one bit. BUT if you both make about the same there isn't going to be a huge case for spousal or child support. If your income is fairly equal then there's nothing to equalize really or at least not much. That being the case if you're done with the situation it's best to tell her you're done, get an attorney and start the process by filing. CA has a 6 month waiting period so you'll want that to start ASAP by filing and having her served with …
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/21 04:47 PM
1

If you have to go back to mediation then you're not amicable. Are you paying spousal support and child support? Where are you located? With regards to 'extra children's expenses' if it's something you want to do with your kids then you pay for it. Vice versa if it is her. If it is a camp, those should be split 50/50 - period. That isn't anything to argue about especially if you're already paying support because support is there to get things closer to, if not equal standards of living. Again - b…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 08:30 PM
1

Yes, the payer takes on all the tax burden but the calculations and what they are based on haven't changed. At least not in California. There used to be something called the 'B' key that they would run which would take into consideration taxes and deductions but they aren't doing that anymore because the deductions aren't there anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:50 PM
1

It's hard to comment because you don't say what state you're in and that matters. It is pretty reasonable for her attorney to do what she did kind of. My STBX's attorney did tell her she was leaving a lot on the table (I don't think it's a lot really but she is leaving me some scraps enough that I can keep our children in their home essentially). If you're in California then spousal support is supposed to be rehabilitative even in a long term marriage like yours. She's been working, if she can s…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:41 PM
1

This is actually probably not going to fly. Child and Spousal support are calculated based on pre-tax income, not post-tax. It sucks because bonus and commission payments and quarterly taxes being higher resulting in refunds make it challenging in the moment where your income is higher, taxes end up higher and support ends up higher so in some cases it can cause you to take home less than you would without the higher income in that moment. In my limited experience and talking to my attorney - it…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:29 PM
2

That is an interesting problem honestly. Folks in this situation (which I was also in this year but my STBX was surprisingly cooperative) as well. Your STBX is certainly entitled to be the way she is being but legally it presents problems that you are experiencing. I would just go ahead and file how you're going to file because she isn't being cooperative. Single, filing separately. IF you have children and can claim one of them as a dependent you likely qualify to use the Head of Household stat…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:19 PM
1

It depends on some things honestly - does she work as well? If she's a stay at home mom it does make things more complex but not a ton really. It just means you'll be on the hook for more support basically. With regards to the accounts - there is nothing really wrong with you opening your own accounts legally. If your in a community property state then the cash in your existing accounts will most likely be split 50/50 and most of the time folks split the cash either at the time of separation or …
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 09:16 PM
2

Nope. Get an attorney, don't move out. It's your place too.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 08:15 PM
2

Dude, she’s cheating on you. Even if it isn’t physical it is still cheating unless you’re consenting to it. It’s your boundary to set and hers to agree to but if she keeps breaking it you have to decide if you can accept it or not. If not then the answer is to walk. Divorce papers have a tendency to get people thinking more clearly. Let her know your serious, don’t warn her and don’t move out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 07:46 PM
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