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Vegetable_Tourist829 Archive

View 1 post and 49 comments by Vegetable_Tourist829 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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5

Just keep feeling your feelings but remove hope. Focus on small wins. See your doctor if you can’t sleep or the normal grief turns into suicidal ideation, or a depression that keeps you from doing self care. Reach out to people! Talk to your parents, your siblings, your old friends. Avoid places that set you off, and trigger massive feelings. And this worked for me: see her as good. See her as someone you deserved to love but that it was time limited- not because you suck but because PEOPLE chan…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 09:54 PM
6

Exactly- it takes to two to make it work and two to make it fail. 💯💯💯
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 08:32 PM
3

My man, I am so sorry. That sounds pretty brutal. I also have a lot of trauma from my childhood and so did my ex. We are both great at self loathing and blaming ourselves. This sub is full of guys who turn their hate outward and honestly I am a little jealous of their energy that they get from that: as toxic and destructive as it can be. But I recognize a kindred spirit in you. And listen, the solution is self compassion, focusing on being your best, and when you get into a new relationship, lea…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 08:28 PM
1

This probably unreliable source says 20% of men vs 13% of women.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 07:44 AM
1

Silly thing, but I bought a transparent kettle with lights, and since I use it a lot, it feels really nice. Also, I bought some battery operated, remote control candles and a bedside light that dims, and a salt lamp. I like a quiet, warm ambience. I also have a pair of good Bluetooth speakers. I like my vacuum- since someone else mentioned it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 07:01 AM
-3

Oh, ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 06:56 AM
3

The best women I have met are no BS. The silent/quiet/passive inauthentic ones are the ones to watch out for silent seething, instead of telling you what’s up. And feminists have taught me more about what was f*ed up about my upbringing and past failed relationship than nonfeminists. Basically, what some people here call antimen, is not feminism. I have never been used by a feminist and I first heard about the book No More Mistrr Nice Guy from a feminist colleague who saw the signs.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 07:30 PM
1

And if you are living in fear of a repeat of cheating, get into therapy before your next relationship. Learn about boundaries. Remember, men do most of the cheating, and a lot of them/us do it from a place of validation after not getting our own heads straight.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 03:33 PM
1

“Cucked or go broke”, and hanging out here on Divorce_Men, while being a never-married 20 something? Dude, you sound like maybe if your relationships are not working out, perhaps you’re someone who generalizes negatively and fears too much. This place is for the cynics who have earned it to talk in sympathy to each other- not to poison the well of love for you! Look for healthy relationships by creating healthy relationships, being the best person you can be, and avoiding seeing women as stereot…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 03:28 PM
1

Mediator was $2500 for the intake interviews, the one-on-ones, reviewing disclosures, and the first mediated half-day session plus a written separation agreement that we could take to our lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/23 11:21 PM
2

I recommend follow the state calculations. Honestly, a lot of the financial advice on this sub is iffy, in part because I think some of these guys really spent a fortune on legal fees and need to justify it, but my advice to just ignore the fact that she wronged you, and deal with it like a business decision. Take out emotion- and follow your lawyer’s advice.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 06:16 PM
1

This
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 07:17 AM
1

I think people - both men and women - are traumatized by divorce. And trauma makes everyone focus very close in - you become easily upset and you become either guilty or selfish- or oscillate between guilty AND selfish- men and women. Try to get some peace and calm and be patient. The day may come when you see some of her old self return.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 07:12 AM
1

Try EMDR to lessen the physiological impact of thinking about this, and the shame. The sooner the better. It will be 2-5 sessions with a trained counsellor and then you won’t be flushing with adrenaline and self immolation. Then you can get into a clearer head space. Suicide will recede as a solution and other better ideas will come to the forefront. It will be the cheapest therapy you can do.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 10:28 PM
7

Mostly that we kind of make miserable monsters out of our marriages with all of the misguided reasons we do things and because we lie all the time to keep up the front, and because we are not honest with ourselves. And we are “nice” not kind. Nice guys marry people but then we are not honest about the really important things, instead we are passive aggressive, and never “do” things wrong but we punish our partners anyway for not giving us the love we bought with our resentful “nice guy” acts. An…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 05:40 AM
17

But you will be missing the point if that’s what you get from that book: it’s that we do the things and expect love as a covert bargain- and that is not how love works. This book will challenge you to change who you are and how you act. If you still feel your ex is a bitch at the end of the book, reread it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 12:59 AM
4

💯. And this also tells henry’s my agent won’t get help when he needs it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 04:22 PM
1

Ha! Good example. My ex grieved her dad’s death for about a decade and her “grief” killed out sex life about two years into our marriage. So, maybe abnormal daddy worship is a red flag too.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 04:20 PM
5

They are the least difficult in my experience. I am all in on team sane single mom
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 04:17 PM
3

And when I told her what I learned about my own need to change, and that we were the definition of dysfunctional codependency, she laughed at my “stupid New Age bullshit.”
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 04:15 PM
3

Slowing down on all fronts makes a lot of sense when you have any big life change. Everytime I got impatient and wanted something it ended up being too soon.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 12:44 AM
2

Knowing what you are feeling can be surprisingly hard. There is this visual emotion wheel that can help detangle feelings.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/23 05:20 PM
1

A lot of people tell folks to completely go no contact after a relationship ends- to remove all images on your phone, all social media, and tell friends to avoid all information about their lives. It can help some people a lot. Also, what appears to be making her happy might be only half of what is going on- and she is unlikely to be putting her pain on display.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/23 05:16 PM
2

Go slow, and get support- you may need some short term sleep and mental health meds. No shame in that.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/23 07:53 AM
0

She may be bored, but this does not read as cheating. You told her your boundary and I would be pissed too, but I am more pissed at the people who are jumping off the deep end here and saying she’s cheating. They are overreacting more than you, OP. She’s not cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/23 07:28 AM
6

I figure I have another 20 years, if I live right and control my stress. if I survive the divorce, I figure I have much better chance than if stay married, so I am out of there.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/22 01:07 AM
1

My understanding is that this will blow back on you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/22 12:20 AM
1

I don’t have kids but that seems a little harsh. If you had positive relationships with them, they like you as a person and you are striving to be a good coparent, why drop the extended family?
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 07:06 AM
1

People develop and change. She is a wonderful person, but has completely passively lived her life for the past 15 years and gained most of it since then. If it was just weight, honestly, that would not have been enough for me to walk away. It’s the passive control, codependency and unwillingness to do any thing that could make my life easier.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 11:32 PM
1

Do you think that the 95% stat is partially because men are ashamed to ask for what they are entitled to? (Also- do you have a source? I find that interesting and wonder if it is also true for my country.)
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:57 PM
2

That’s a great reply. Thanks! ETA: do you think that the 95% stat is partially because men are ashamed to ask for what they are entitled to?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:48 PM
1

Could it be a cognitive bias at play? We know more men and talk to more men, so we we hear stories that reinforce the feeling something is true? I guess financial inequalities are being addressed more fairly now but a judge uses money alone and what I find hard is that income lost to child rearing is counted (whether you are a man or woman) but income lost to being sick or injured is harder to capture unless you have a disability determination.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:47 PM
1

Could it be a cognitive bias at play? We know more men and talk to more men, so we we hear stories that reinforce the feeling something is true? I guess financial inequalities are being addressed more fairly now but a judge uses money alone and what I find hard is that income lost to child rearing is counted (whether you are a man or woman) but income lost to being sick or injured is harder to capture unless you have a disability determination.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:47 PM
1

Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/22 05:36 AM
1

The question I have is did her threats to divorce begin after the kids were born? I imagine having such little children, so close together, would be very hard for you both. I hope you guys get therapy before divorce because your kids are so young, I can’t imagine that it’s reflective of how you will always be. But obviously super toxic behaviours are being started now. No one should be threatening divorce as a regular thing. That’s abusive.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 05:22 AM
2

Thanks for this. I am new to this sub and it’s been a bit of an eye opener- and not about women, but the men.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 05:03 AM
2

I find this a caricature of women. I think as I got older and know more women over the longer trajectory of their lives, women become less cliche. I see the cliche is the Alpha/Beta/Cuck language. People can be a lot of things. Men are held back by these cynical and simplistic ideas.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 05:00 AM
2

Thanks. If I think of the worst case scenario, it would be to have to pay 50% of my currently weekly rate prorated to 52 weeks! I feel a more realistic amount would be either the rate I had for an easier job from a few years ago for 40 weeks, or my current job for half the year. I needed months recovery after my last contract.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:46 AM
1

Yes, rental was a real eye opener. My employer put me up in temp housing. I am thinking of moving to another place altogether.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:39 AM
2

I actually don’t know. Some of our closest friends are speaking out both sides of their mouths: she’ll say “ all our friends think you’re just having a midlife crisis” and those same friends are telling me “man, I don’t know how you copes this long. I support your decision.” So basically, she can have the friends. I think she needs them more. And I can’t tolerate enabling behaviour now that I am learning about it myself. I don’t want enabling people around me now. She might be OK if I just estab…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:37 AM
2

Not interested in younger. I find women my age more attractive to me 😝. Plus side: no accidental kids! But the other advice would suit my ex well. She should move to Mexico. She loves it there. Because we spent so much time there, I associate it with her and, honestly, I would rather have other adventures now. I admire your overall view- live life now! I am ready to live on a lot less to have a simple, lower stress and healthy life. Thanks for the encouragement!
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 01:42 AM
1

She is not healthy now. Many health problems- not as many as me, but all obesity related.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 01:13 AM
2

Neighbour just sold for $1m, but the place was staged. I think the market is softening.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 01:12 AM
1

I have an income.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 12:25 AM
1

Like voluntarily commit at the hospital? I don’t think they would let me. I am not suicidal.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 10:54 PM
1

Very helpful. Neither of us have a degree of any kind. She can do home-based phone customer service but does not typically work much. Her brain and her mouth are fine.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 10:18 PM
1

Is the formula what they (her) are currently making? Or can it ramp down based what they could make? Does someone’s health (mine) factor into how long they have to work? I simply can’t go on. If I am mandated to keep making this income, I am pretty sure my doctor will confirm that I will die.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 10:14 PM
2

Read the précis and it defiiitely rang true for the first phase of my (recent) journey. I feel I have passed into a new phase now: putting my health back into the equation has been huge. The covert contracts are everywhere! Very very true. When I started to lose weight and cooked us healthier food (Keto) she sabotaged continuously. My therapist has helped a lot with this. Now I would love a sense of how to navigate the spousal support conversation with more confidence.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 09:00 PM
3

Yeah, I have thought about that. She’s only 50. I feel she could turn things around. But if we don’t divorce, I think I could be caring for a stroke victim and she will never take care of me if I am the one to have the stroke. My life is literally killing me- 2 heart attacks. BP through the roof.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 07:49 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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