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__Zero_____ Archive

View 0 posts and 214 comments by __Zero_____ on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

I agree, and I think the no double standards should apply to women using incel as a pejorative. Plenty of women who hate slut shaming (rightfully so) but then turn around and call the guy and incel and that's fine? It's the exact same mechanism, just shaming men for not having sex instead of shaming women for having it.
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates27/07/26 12:43 AM
0

That said, a lot of this talk usually tends to demonise promiscuous women yet rewards promiscuous men I don't think we should be demonizing anyone, but I can also understand why people develop this mentality even outside of listening to those podcasts. Most men have to actively pursue a woman to have a sexual relationship with them, and most women could find (probably bad) sex tonight via the apps if they chose to. I don't think men are applauded for having sex, but for being a "good enough" pic…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates27/07/26 12:40 AM
5

I think you are exaggerating here to make it seem worse. I don't see any comments in here, except yours, making the barefoot in the kitchen claim, or even that men want women to be virgins. No reasonable guy is expecting his partner to be a virgin past her 20's. If she is, that's fine, but not a requirement. It's not just about staying married. The research indicates that people with more sexual partners are more prone to novelty seeking and impulsive behavior. Some of those people can still be …
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates27/07/26 12:26 AM
2

Personally, I am in my late 30s so I expect my partners to have had a few partners of their own. However, if I am selecting for a partner whom I think will be loyal long term, the data indicates that partnering with someone who has had a lot of partners reduces the long term relationship success rate. I'm not saying that a woman who has had a lot of partners is incapable of being a good partner herself, but I just know that I would spend more time seeing how she behaves before committing to some…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates27/07/26 12:16 AM
6

I agree that I dont want us to minimize women's struggles here. I want us to be honest about what's going on in both directions. But, I do think the distinction of "a real woman" is important. He used it as a hypothetical to point out that the phrase itself isn't used much. Men and women are all pressured into various roles by their teachers, parents, family and friends, but it has certainly become more acceptable for women to take on non-traditional roles. If women are so eager to break free fr…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates26/07/26 11:55 PM
5

I had a very similar situation. I knew she had been cheating, but I asked her some questions to give her a chance to come clean on her own. 4 times she lied to my face, then as I was leaving the room she told me loved me. Then a bit later tried to sleep with me. I'll never understand how you can do that to someone you shared almost 2 decades with.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 07:02 PM
14

In many reports on sexual violence they include things like lingering glances or catcalling or being touched inappropriately (which is not okay but still super vague, like a hand on their back or someone touching their arm). I don't want to minimize the trauma of sexual assault but I think it actually hurts women when the numbers are inflated with thesr things. The real numbers are bad enough, no need to exaggerate. It just leads to fear mongering on social media and women having higher anxiety …
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates04/07/26 05:17 AM
6

Its easy to slip into old routines, especially because there is probably a part of you who still sees good in her and cares about her. If she hasn't really taken ownership (which, if shes still hanging around AP then she doesn't understand), or if she hasn't really validated how much it affected you, time won't make a difference. You made the right call creating distance because she is doing the same behaviors she did during the affair
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 05:01 AM
5

She bought a card game Instagram told her would help show me I don’t help enough around the house. Fair Play? I did all the same things and even bought the cards myself. If I could go back and slap my old self I would, but my desire to keep my family together came from a good place so there is some solace in that. I just didn't show myself enough respect/love to recognize when it was time to walk, at least not until later.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 05:40 AM
13

Yep. They talk about the "expectation of sex" after a man pays for a date, except I have seen more women complain about the expectation of sex after a date than I have seen men say they have that expectation. In fact, the only expectation that I hear most men talk about is how they are expected to plan and pay for the dates, as well as "perform" to her liking, or risk being blasted on social media
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates25/05/26 07:53 AM
15

I just want to add that men aren't the only violent ones either. Lots of violent behavior comes from women, its just not of the same physical nature as men's violence. Women can be just as, if not more so, cutthroat to other men and women but they use soft power to do so. I've seen more women in my life abuse soft power than men abuse hard power. Gossip, rumors, social exclusion, backstabbing, etc don't require strong physical strength so when women pretend that society would be a utopia if all …
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates21/05/26 05:01 AM
5

Hey, this post really resonated with me. I actually have 50/50 custody, but after finding out about my wife's affair and then divorcing her, I really had a hard time feeling.... normal? I was the primary parent before the split because she would often just hide out in our room downstairs and check out from parenting duties while texting her affair partner. I was always the one bringing them to the parks, playing outside with them, or playing games with them. Post divorce I actually felt the same…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 06:49 AM
91

I do think a lot of feminist women honestly believe that the world would be better with either no men, or very few men. I have seen some pretty hateful stuff from right leaning or incel spaces but rarely is it ever on the level where they want women gone. I think that is kind of a root level difference in ideologies. It's hard for me, as someone who genuinely wants people, men and women, to live happier and healthier lives because I feel like I can openly support those goals for women but if I d…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates18/05/26 05:08 AM
1

I've not verified these, but here is a post I stumbled on a while back while going through my own issues after being cheated on by my ex-wife. Just sharing https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xqbfyi/not_only_is_past_promiscuity_a_good_predictor_of/
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates14/05/26 11:52 PM
1

I also think a lot of "healthier" views from other male content creators get lumped in with the rest when people talk about manosphere/red pill stuff. Like any content geared towards men gets that label, even if they aren't extreme, but women's content does not. There are plenty of women youtubers who can say some version of "men are evil" and keep their channel
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates14/05/26 11:48 PM
3

I know not all men share my view, but I welcome women's voice in traditionally male spaces as long as they coming in generally supportive or curious and not looking to demean or change the space. I don't want to be in an echochamber in any area of my life, because I think there is enough of that already, and it seems you have witnessed that firsthand. I'm sorry you are going through this as well.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 10:39 PM
2

I imagine a part of you doesn't want it affecting your kid either so it makes sense you care. Everyone around here seems to put a lot of stock in pretending it doesn't affect them. It's normal that it might affect you, I think it's healthier to just acknowledge that and get better and moving past the feeling instead of pretending it's not there
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 07:50 AM
1

Yeah, everyone has a different idea of what a "serious" talk is, so that's one aspect to consider, but cheaters rewrite history to justify their actions. Lots of people do this even without cheating, but cheaters pretty much always do it. Trust your memory of how these things were handled. If you don't remember them being a big issue, its likely because she didn't make it seem like a big issue, or you resolved it. You didn't miss anything.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:14 PM
6

No abuse, infidelity, etc. - just apparent unhappiness. I haven’t been right since. Messages from her phone - almost certainly sexting). She has shown herself to be a completely different person, and is telling everyone of course I was the one who was the problem the whole time. I’m Not saying I was perfect or didn’t cause my issues in the slightest, but god damn it’s a two way fucking street. Now of course she is saying she really just wants to date other people / have our life, but with someon…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 10:58 PM
1

She said she felt disconnected, and that she had "tried to tell me for years". Turns out that an offhanded comment every 6 months doesn't make for good communication, and hiding in your bedroom away from your family is a good way to feel disconnected. I would bring her food, urge her to come join us, sometimes sit and eat with her, but she was just kind of checked out until she started her affair.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 05:18 AM
13

Personally I think "mental load" is widely overused and its just clickbait at this point. Women tend to rank higher in neuroticism, and I am not saying that to be mean to women, that's just one of the effects of hormonal differences in women. The issue is that just because they have a lot of random things on their mind doesn't mean its things that they should be giving "mental load". A person not able to control their ruminating or anxious thoughts doesn't mean their partner isn't doing enough. …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 08:59 PM
4

And even though gay relationships report the lowest level of abuse
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates25/04/26 04:23 PM
1

There is kind of a hard power and soft power dynamic that I think people forget about. Men may be able to physically overpower a woman, but most forms of hard power are illegal unless maybe self defense comes into play. Soft power on the other hand is pretty freely used. Women using false allegations, whether through the legal system or through social media/"are we dating the same guy" type groups, etc is rarely policed. There are always more men willing to defend women than women willing to def…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates24/04/26 02:57 PM
1

In general I agree that focusing on who is worse is not productive. I do think it leads a little into "both sides"isms like politics get though, and I do think there are some differences but I also think there are more similarities amongst the groups than people care to admit. To me, the main difference is the public perception, and that's where I think comparing and contrasting is fine. You see it all the time with things like social experiments or TV/movies where women hit or berate men and th…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates24/04/26 02:39 PM
6

I'm usually a big supporter of trying to work it out, especially if there are kids. Staying together is not always the best thing for the kids though. It sounds like neither of you really likes each other, and there is probably a lot of contempt and resentment built up. I see two main areas of focus for you. Identify how much of your unhappiness is due to the marriage, and how much of it is you being unhappy with yourself or what your life looks like outside of the marriage dynamic. Really be ho…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 06:01 PM
1

I'll admit, my initial reaction was to get defensive a little, but I realized why.... and the "me" from last year probably would not have recognized it in the moment. Everyone has a different path of healing, and I think taking ownership of our faults is very important. In a weird twist, one of the things I needed to improve on was NOT taking on blame that wasn't mine to bear. Its still a work in progress, clearly, because I felt some of that defensiveness rise up. My ex-wife was a serial cheate…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 05:12 PM
7

I scrolled through more than a few social media channels after the CNN story and came across a video from a guy who wants to use the "shamehim.com" domain for women to anonymously post details of their "rapists" because of all the women who haven't received justice. Rape is not okay, but it was truly disheartening to see that most of the 2k+ comments on that video were in solid support. Lots of "you get a podcast" or "can we make sure this is anonymous" kind of comments. Since women also rape me…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates20/04/26 07:09 AM
10

Yeah, and something that irks me is...... there are male victims of rape by women. They say "even 1 is too many", but if you remind them that men are raped by women, at best you get a little handwave of "that's bad, but doesn't happen much so we don't need to focus on it". Another double standard that irks me is, if men watch sleep/rape porn, they are violent abusers in training. If women watch it (which they often do, its one of the most popular categories for women in porn and smut), its just …
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates19/04/26 07:45 AM
5

Similar story here. I had the mindset that her and I were both growing up and learning to adult together. I know I wasn't perfect but most of the growth I needed was to be less agreeable and more willing to stand up for myself or what I felt was important. I was raised with the "happy wife happy life" shit and if you are like me and get paired with someone who not only doesn't reciprocate that effort but kind of abuses it more and more over time. Eventually it ended in her long term affair, with…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 12:19 AM
10

Yeah, one of the most frustrating aspects of discussions around "patriarchy" or "toxic masculinity" is this idea that its so pervasive that everyone only feels negatively towards feminism because they have been brainwashed by the patriarchy. It completely removes any nuance or ability to discuss the topics at large. Its kind of fascinating almost, how effectively it shuts down any criticism for the person making that claim, like they can't be bothered to discuss the topic because if you don't ag…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates12/04/26 10:24 AM
21

Not attacking you, but generally curious. Do you feel like that is how people view "the manosphere" now? That may be how it existed for a while but I think most online discourse now is much less shitty
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates12/04/26 02:19 AM
24

I do think the male loneliness thing has more to do with shifts in society, loss of third spaces and increased time spent working/surviving, but it does have impacts on dating. Men and women are walking away from dating in higher numbers. That affects men but it's also not a good sign overall for our country. Just like men, women aren't all the same so the same women that want to be left alone are likely not the same wanting to be approached but there are many that would still be fine with being…
/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates08/04/26 01:07 PM
1

Yeah, when my ex-wife's affair came out I tried to explain to her mom why I was filing for divorce, and it became clear pretty quickly that my ex had already come up with a story to tell her family. The family I considered to be a second family to me instantly felt like strangers and wouldn't talk to me. It took some time but I came to realize that no matter if they knew the truth or not, they were going to choose whatever option would be the least uncomfortable for them, and that obviously mean…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 07:10 AM
7

Yes and no. For a healthy person, yes that will likely be enough. I think a lot of unhappy people blame their spouses for their unhappiness so it won't matter how much their spouse pours into the marriage. Some people are just broken though. Part of acceptance after divorce is accepting that there isn't really much you could have changed and affected the outcome in many cases.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 01:04 AM
1

You can use that to "win" any argument, because everyone is different so all you need is to find one exception to the rule and you think it's a gotcha. That doesn't change the reality of the situation for the population at large. That's why we don't rely on anecdotal data, because everyone's loved experience is different. Prior to getting cheated on, I assumed it was relatively rare, and after getting cheated on I was curious about the topic and discovered its wayyy more common than I thought. T…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/26 08:42 PM
–

I imagine you are going to get a lot of replies that completely sidestep your overall point and will instead strawman you, but I think you have touched on an interesting point that I think is important to discuss. If the ultimate goal for anyone participating in this subreddit is to improve gender relations and speak out against unspoken issues, than this is a good topic to discuss. I think it behooves us to discuss how modern dating (especially dating apps), social media, and our general "same-…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/26 09:38 AM
2

You love the woman you know she could be, or the woman you wish she was. You love the idea of the life you could build if she was that woman. She's not. You are still attached, and that's okay, but in time you will detach and you will look back with more clarity. Until then, just focus on you and your family. Hit the gym, get plenty of rest, etc
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:29 AM
1

Yeah and I'm sure most therapists mean well but when most therapists are women and they also get some of that validation from their own therapy or from "helping" other women, it's kind of a self validating cycle without any forward progress. They aren't any happier than when they started therapy, and often they become increasingly frustrated because they feel they "should" feel better but they don't despite going to therapy and it's hard to have the self awareness to recognize and turn down that…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:55 PM
2

Its a pretty strong cultural thing in America. Women are having kids later in life, at lower rates, than previous times in history. I'm not saying its good or bad or whatever, just stating the fact. More young woman than young men are purchasing houses, going to college, and entering the workforce. In many ways, the metrics for boys in schools is worse than they were for girls when we enacted Title IX in schools. Women are very encouraged to be strong and independent, which they are more than fr…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/03/26 04:41 PM
1

Admittedly I am always questioning whether I have an inherent bias on this due to the media I consume. I think despite any of our best efforts its really hard (impossible?) to not have some sort of bias based on what we read or see. A lot of my view comes from my own lived experience, and given that my ex-wife had a 16 month affair and all of her friends knew and cheered her on, I likely have an inherent bias because of it. I try not to, genuinely, but something that I have noticed in my own hea…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/03/26 09:29 PM
4

No, I don't deny that. I think in general people use alcohol to do things they aren't brave enough to do while sober. I've never heard the term "clean up crew" before though, but then again I don't go to clubs. I agree that consent can be revoked at any time, and I made it pretty clear I don't condone that behavior, but I used the example as a way to illustrate the maze that men feel they need to navigate in order to participate in dating these days. I know women get blamed for those things, but…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/03/26 06:18 PM
6

I think "most men" is doing a bit of heavy lifting there. As a guy i've never pressured a girl to have sex because the last thing I want is for it to feel performative. I want her to want to. but I've seen quite a few examples in my own anecdotal experience of women purposefully drinking a lot, trying to have sex with someone they wanted to have sex with while sober but didn't have the courage to ask, later use "alcohol" as an excuse. Its why I don't like sleeping with women who have been drinki…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/03/26 05:05 PM
4

For my ex wife, I was expected to plan the dates, find the babysitter, and make sure the date was entertaining enough. All that after doing all the cooking and childcare and cleaning and working full time. It felt like auditioning for a role I already had, like I was never safe in the marriage. Her cheating later helped confirm that lack of safety. I know not all women are like that but it definitely made me more cynical and I'm trying to not let it carry forward
/r/PurplePillDebate22/03/26 05:49 PM
1

There are bad husbands and bad wives. Mentioning cleaning, cooking, and laundry as if men don't do those things when single. I think the disconnect comes from women having higher expectations than men in almost any category because most women can't be happy with what they already have. They need more. More things, more trips, more validation, etc. So then you end up with situations where women had an idea of what their life would be, didn't communicate those expectations well, then built resentm…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 08:14 PM
1

Fair enough
/r/PurplePillDebate21/03/26 07:07 PM
0

Look, I am all for women having the same earning opportunities as men, but the vast majority of the gender pay gap was sensationalism. When controlling for variables, the gap is a rounding error at best. Most men and women in similar positions at similar companies working similar hours with similar experience made the same money. However, it didn't stop the moral panic and then DEI policies were put in place that specifically forbade white men from applying. As a society, people ran with some mi…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 04:47 PM
1

Most women won't have casual sex with a guy without commitment, unless he is super attractive, so for most men their best chance at securing consistent sex is a relationship. That's not the only thing a guy wants, but if you have ever read the stories of F to M transgender people undergoing testosterone treatment, you would know just how strong of a driver testosterone is. Most women on dating apps for example only interact with the top 10% or so of men. Like 80% of women to 10% of men kind of r…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 04:08 PM
1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_in_the_United_States#No-fault_divorce
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 03:49 PM
1

I agree with /u/ViolentShallot , this is a terrible comment. Your options are to either deal with the relationship as it is, or leave. Cheating is wrong regardless. I understand it can be frustrating to be in a sexless marriage but it doesn't give you moral license to cheat. Speak up about your issues, communicate what you want and what you will not tolerate in the marriage, and leave if your needs aren't being met.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 03:48 PM
1

Your comments are kind of fascinating to read to be honest. You are very skilled at ignoring any statements that conflict with your current beliefs and instead you stick to strawmanning things. He said multiple times in various ways that no one is entitled to sex or the relationship itself and you bypassed all of that and went right back to your original made up situation. You would make (do make?) an excellent internet troll.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 03:40 PM
5

Do you see how you side-stepped the question and moved the goalpost? He is pointing out the double standard, and that's okay. Women get (rightfully) frustrated if their man doesn't go down on them (because like you said, that is what most women rely on for orgasm), but men are not allowed to voice a similar frustration if the sex (that was once there before marriage) stops?
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 03:28 PM
1

Agreed Agreed Agreed 1- I want to expand on each though. The point of a relationship for men is not just for sex, but for most men, physical intimacy is going to be an important part. I like to try the gender swap test, but to remove the genders for a moment (because many marriages have women as the high libido (HL) partner, and the man is the Low Libido (LL) partner. If the HL partner values sex, and the LL partner refuses to invest in the sex life, the relationship will likely fail. That's jus…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/26 03:25 PM
7

Yeah I tried to give my ex a chance to save the marriage after her affair and while I don't regret trying to hold my family together, I do regret the dynamic that played out at the end. So many instances of only admitting bits and pieces, trickling out the "truth" only enough to explain what I found and not admit more.. I can understand if someone wants to leave a relationship but I will never understand how someone can turn on their spouse like that. I wouldn't do some of the things she did to …
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:58 PM
9

I think for many people, men or women (but especially women given that women go to therapy more), they go to therapy to validate their current poor behavior instead of trying to improve and they leave armed with therapy speak and a newfound confidence that they should do whatever makes them "happy" at any given moment
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 01:36 PM
1

Misandry is so commonplace that its the norm at this point.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/26 07:56 PM
1

I do think people are capable of change, even cheaters, but I also think there is some merit in the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because I think if a cheater truly wants to change they have to treat it a little like a 12 step program. Name it to shame it. If they recognize they are someone capable of cheating, and they remain cognizant of the behaviors that drive them to do it, I believe they can be "sober", but it takes a similar kind of effort as stopping any addiction because ult…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 09:40 PM
27

Not to pile on to your anger but I highly doubt they have only kissed. Adults don't usually just kiss, especially if she is talking about having feelings. Hit the gym, workout the anger and energy that comes with it, and focus on your health and your kids. You deserve better man. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:10 PM
7

I get that we have all been burned by divorce and it's bound to leave us all a bit more jaded but I would refrain from viewing all women as "cum dumpsters" for one. You aren't doing yourself a favor by viewing them like that. By all means, be more guarded and have better boundaries. I don't recommend getting married personally but there are plenty of nice women out there just like there are plenty of nice (and not nice) men. Just be clear about your intentions and it's all good. You can feel how…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 11:48 PM
3

If the AP knew of the partner, they share some of the blame. IMO if they legitimately don't know then that's different
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 01:50 AM
3

You will never catch up to the goalposts because its not about the goalposts. You can try to discuss it but unless she can explicitly name something that will have a tangible affect, then no amount of you guessing and working harder is going to fix it. It's exactly what happened to me and she ended up having an affair with a coworker. By the time I figured out what was going on I was: working full time (same as her), picking up the kids, doing all of the grocery/house shopping, all the cooking, …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 08:58 PM
3

Mental load is a great scapegoat because its unable to be measured and they can always default to some version of "women think about things more than men". Its neuroticism, and the goalposts on taking some of the mental load will always change because its not about external factors but about their internal anxiety and inability to let shit go.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 08:53 PM
2

Yeah there are a lot of generalizations here. I'll admit, the red-pill slant that a lot of posts here usually have has made me approach a lot of posts from a skeptical place. I do think that there is a lot of good advice here if the dynamic in the marriage is the same as the dynamic displayed in the post. However, there are women who can take accountability, and there are plenty of men who are actually a big part of the problem in their marriage and whom might benefit from both therapy and MC. I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 09:14 PM
3

It might be beneficial sometimes but I imagine that most women visiting this sub are not doing so to be kind, helpful, and unbiased. Not even the main divorce sub can manage that
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:33 PM
7

This is manipulative behavior, whether she realizes she is doing it or not. I find, especially with social media encouragement, that people will be so convinced of some perceived unfairness or imbalance in their life that they will try and balance the scales without reflecting on themselves as well. I think women in particular suffer from it only because other women (for better or for worse) will support them almost unconditionally. I find that men call out BS in other men (sometimes more than i…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 07:16 PM
1

My past might be cloudy my judgment on this, but if I could go back in time and tell myself something, it would be to stop putting her on a pedestal and to believe her actions. My ex was doing a lot of the same things, staying glued to her phone, and busy with work. Except she was finding time to have an affair, and that helped explain all the random bouts of anger and mean-spirited things she was saying to me. Please, read up on the Grey Rock method, go to therapy, find a physical outlet (worko…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 02:28 AM
4

I dont know what the "healthiest" way to detach is but I do think everyone does it differently and personally I don't think there is any harm in OP feeling some validation in the moment but I do think these comparisons have a way of circling around again. Like, he feels good now, but later on he might reflect on how he views this guy and realize they are still together 5-10 years later and suddenly the guy he felt superior to is "succeeding" or whatever. It's just an easy trap to fall into, and …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 11:02 PM
13

While self reflection is important, basing your value off of the person your ex dates next is a recipe for disaster either way, whether they are an "upgrade" or a "downgrade". Your comment seemed more eager to humble him than offer advice.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 10:56 PM
2

Please record your interactions with her from here on out, without telling her. Just save them someplace for a rainy day.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 02:11 PM
8

Has she done any sort of repair since cheating? My ex had a 16 month affair, and never took ownership or told me the truth. She instead spent months blaming me, gaslighting me, DARVO, etc. So I told her that I would love a healthier co-parenting relationship in the future but its up to her to make that happen. I'm working on healing myself so I can be as good of a dad as I can be, but I don't invite her to birthday parties and she doesn't invite me. She doesn't want her family talking to me (in …
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 06:02 PM
6

Also one thing about language models like chat gpt, is that they will oftentimes combine advice or information from multiple sources so you will get conflicting information from state to state for example.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 02:56 AM
9

I caught my wife in a 16 month affair to which she never fully came clean on or apologized so I filed and have been divorced for a year. We had two kids together. If there is any part of you that Is trying to minimize what she did or convince you to try again, keep reminding yourself of what she did. You are still attached to her, which is completely normal. There is still a part of you that sees her as someone you love or someone that loves you, but the truth is she is not that person anymore. …
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 08:29 PM
1

Yep, I kind of keep reminding myself of what she did, not to hate her but to keep the rose tinted glasses off
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 02:02 PM
1

Thanks! That's the plan. I appreciate the support
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 02:27 AM
1

Besides avoiding anything and everything to do with her affair, she co-parents pretty well. There are a few times where she forgets we are no longer married and she still tries to act like she gets to dictate what happens at all times with the kids haha. In that regard I'm pretty lucky. I prefer minimal drama
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 12:43 AM
1

Not really ready to date to be honest. I've downloaded the apps and swiped a couple times and immediately knew I wasnt ready. I'm just focusing on making friends, working out, my job, and most importantly my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 12:37 AM
1

She's still sort of seeing him but I think she's afraid to make it official to anyone besides the other coworkers she roped into it. Everyone else knew how good of a spouse and dad I was/am so I think she feels that if she waits long enough she can legitimize it? Either way, as long as she is healthy enough to parent that's all I really care about
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 12:33 AM
4

Yep. I was with my ex when her parents divorced, and they would each reach to me independently to ask how their daughter/my (now ex) wife were doing. I was there when her mom got remarried, or her dad cycled through 8 girlfriends. We had long talks about the negative effects of divorce on her family and I had many good conversations with her parents. That didn't stop her from having an affair, and when I found out I explained to her parents why I was filing and almost immediately they circled th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 10:39 PM
2

The black and white thinking I was referring to was assuming if I am not super pro-capitalist I must be communist. I think one of the biggest things to start would be to have more regulations in place to curb monopolistic practices, not allowing corporations to buy up residential housing, and limiting globalist and foreign investment would be a good start. Universal healthcare and restricting how much power insurance companies wield would help. Technology has made us increasingly more efficient,…
/r/MensRights12/01/26 01:57 PM
1

The problem with assumptions and black and white thinking is that it narrows your perspective and prevents you from keeping an open mind Not wanting extreme capitalism doesn't mean I want Communism instead. In fact I specifically mentioned late stage capitalism because it's what happens when capitalistic systems go unchecked. Capitalism is fine and probably the closest alignment for American values but left unchecked and unregulated it spirals out of control and makes life difficult for all lowe…
/r/MensRights11/01/26 03:56 PM
2

I wish this sub was capable of discussing men's rights without making this a left versus right thing. At some point you will realize it's a class thing above all else. DEI might be affecting your job (unlikely) but globalization and late stage capitalism is definitely affecting it and it is doing so considerably more than women ever could. When the system is designed in such a way that shareholders and billionaires are the main benefit of your labor, any other pain points become huge things. Som…
/r/MensRights11/01/26 06:03 AM
3

I'm one year out from a divorce after finding out about my wife's 16 month affair. I struggled a lot with infidelity related questions at first. "Why would she do this to me and our family?" "What is it about me that is so bad she would cheat?" "What did I do wrong?" "What could I have done better?" Let me just get ahead of those kind of questions for you right now and tell you that her cheating had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and her character. People cheat because they…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 11:01 PM
9

My girlfriend can only orgasm from punching me in the face, but I don't really like being punched in the face even though I love to see her orgasm. I think I have some issues to sort out about why I don't like being punched in the face. It's an extreme example but you have to understand the line is different for everyone. Most men probably do like giving oral to their partner, but if they don't it doesn't mean we question what's wrong with them. If he discovers there is some trauma associated wi…
/r/MensRights09/01/26 09:53 PM
2

There is a reason they say you finally meet the real version of your spouse during divorce. To some extent I get it, people don't want to be taken advantage of so they put up walls but that's why you have to treat it like a business transaction. Leave the emotions out of it as best you can.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 03:54 PM
12

Posts like this are frustrating to me. I understand this is the Men's Rights subreddit, so I expect a lot of discourse around women and men, but politically speaking our biggest issues as men are related more to socioeconomic class rather than gender. The reason the left vs right debate is endless is because its designed that way, and the billionaire class is more than happy to continue stirring that pot and let us bicker amongst ourselves. The average person, man or woman, agree on a lot more i…
/r/MensRights06/01/26 11:19 PM
14

That's quite the stretch. Men are conditioning themselves into cuckhold behavior because the women in porn are having sex with other men? I don't know about you, but for me its never that deep. If I watch porn, which admittedly I don't do very often, its looking up something related to an interest of mine and who the people are plays very little into it. Porn is like any other dopamine giving activity... too much of a good thing is bad. You can get addicted to quite literally any positive feedba…
/r/MensRights29/12/25 10:01 PM
3

I like that. That's a nice succinct way to put it
/r/MensRights26/12/25 06:59 AM
9

On her phone too much, turning the screen away, picking fights over really innocuous things, her disconnecting from family activities, etc Nope, single guy in his 20s looking for easy sex
/r/MensRights25/12/25 07:06 PM
7

Admittedly I was too naive and trusting so I overlooked signs that I later recognized were there in front of me the whole time. Picking fights and being secretive were the biggest ones but I noticed some photos she took of herself that tipped me off initially then I went into detective mode.
/r/MensRights25/12/25 04:53 PM
28

I'm sorry to hear that you are in that place. It's important to show love to our partners but we are hurting ourselves and those around us by not showing up for ourselves. If you realize that it's for the best that the relationship ends, feel the grief, learn the lessons and look back fondly on the good times and remind yourself there are better days ahead. Love from abundance and let go of scarcity. That's my mantra now.
/r/MensRights25/12/25 07:10 AM
29

I mean, as best as I can assume yeah. Those are pretty standard things that people want in a partner. She wasn't particularly great about discussing wants or needs though, which I think contributed to her behavior later. I'm not really sure why you are asking in that way though. I'm going to assume it's in good faith for now
/r/MensRights25/12/25 06:29 AM
40

I was always supportive, helpful, kind, loving, empathetic, honest, etc. Worked hard to make a decent living and still made lots of time for family. I did all the cooking, most of the cleaning and laundry and childcare. Gave random gifts, went on dates, etc She struggled with mental health issues and depression for years. I know I wasn't perfect and honestly I hate talking about myself like that but it's helped me to recognize my contributions and not default to self blame like I have a tendency…
/r/MensRights25/12/25 06:16 AM
199

She had an affair with a coworker and I filed for divorce. It wasn't until later, while processing what had happened (in therapy) that I realized just how much I had abandoned myself and by extension it made the betrayal feel worse because I didn't like who I had become either. I was a great partner and father, and we had frequent intimacy, but I was always pouring into the marriage and never receiving it back. I had forgotten what it felt like to truly feel loved and cared for. It's fine to wan…
/r/MensRights25/12/25 05:44 AM
8

Something to consider is often people repeat the same things they were taught as kids, and many boys grow up with teachers who are women, or in homes where the dad is always working or not present for other reasons (incarceration, loss of parental rights due to mothers receiving preferential custody, etc). So many of the lessons that we learned growing up about being strong, not crying, treating girls/women with respect, etc came from other women. Everyone's lived experience is different obvious…
/r/MensRights19/12/25 04:36 PM
1

I think women are better about being emotionally attuned to others, picking up facial cues, reading body language, etc. I imagine that is an evolutionary skill. But that in itself is not emotional intelligence, just like with men and pushing emotions down or not dealing with them.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:23 AM
13

Rewriting history is extremely common for cheaters. I can guarantee you there is more you don't know and she is lashing out to keep you at bay and framing you as the bad guy so.you don't find out or she isnt exposed. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do once they attach so someone else besides wait, but you would be waiting for someone who is not worth waiting for. Don't take her shit to heart and just recognize it for the self protection it is.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 09:51 PM
4

Often counseling (at the end of the marriage) is an opportunity for them to vent all the past resentments (some might even be decades old) that they never let go of. They save them until they need the justification. Im not trying to make this a woman bashing thing, it's just what I have noticed as a trend, especially if there is infidelity involved on her part.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 12:56 AM
8

Its such a common phrase amongst cheaters that "Not Just Friends" is a book title for this haha. I swear they get a handbook in the mail when they start cheating. "I love you but I'm not in love with you......and 1243132 other phrases to manipulate your partner with!"
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:02 PM
6

Yeah I understand that distrust. I mean, at its core you have someone who claims to care about you more than anyone else on the planet, and they were willing to lie to your face for months/years.... how can I expect friends/family/future partners to be better? Rationally I know my ex just lacks the ability to be a good person, and I know I do have that ability so that means there are other people out there who are like me. Its hard to internalize that some days though. Like, your brain can think…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:00 PM
5

You don't have to play nice with your ex "for the kids" especially when there is infidelity and no repair after. You can parallel parent just fine and communicate (like business partners) any relevant details necessary. The adult kids can know what happened, they can trust you won't start a fight in public, but there is no reason to pretend things are all sunshine and roses. Cheaters love that everyone goes out of their way to avoid acknowledging the uncomfortable situation they caused, instead …
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 06:27 AM
8

Even if nursing was a government funded job (it's not), that's clearly not a good metric. Congressman are government funded and they make well above the average (for both men and women). Something else that skews it is that most women in the trades are not doing the same jobs as men. They might be in road construction, but they hold the signs or something less physically demanding. That's just an example, and it's obviously generalized because there are women that do the same roles as their male…
/r/MensRights28/11/25 07:11 PM
2

For me, what helped me was reframing it as time to prep for the next time I would see them, and do as much self-care as I could in that time. Hit the gym, go for walks/hikes/runs, grocery shop, clean, take care of laundry, take some time to read or catch up on some sleep, and prep some fun stuff to do with them when I get them again.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 08:41 AM
4

I agree that the experiment won't help, but "being a good roommate" is a huge aspect of a healthy relationship. Obviously we have only his side of things, and we can encourage OP to be self-aware of his "contributions" but it feels pretty dismissive to take all the things he is doing and say that means he doesn't deserve any intimacy or affection in return. He deserves those things by default, because that is something we should all be giving to our partners. He shouldn't have to earn love, but …
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 04:16 PM
5

Make sure and document that and use it to fight for more even custody
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 12:41 AM
1

Kind of ironic talking about diagnosing someone over a few internet posts, then make some weird claim about my ability (or lack thereof) to make actual friends in a decade? I certainly wasn't diagnosing you, it's just something I have noticed. Unfortunately I have spent a decent amount of time in communities for betrayed partners, initially to make sense of my own situation but also because of the psychology behind it (and my fascination with that aspect). We just see his need differently, and I…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 09:35 PM
2

I'm sure he's getting plenty of "just move on" type of comments. Its pretty common to hear as a guy that was cheated on. He's only a few months removed from divorce/infidelity. It's still fresh. Tough love is one thing but calling someone "limp for validation" is just you getting some cheap shots in. Something like "hey man, I know what you are going through is tough, but you have to focus on what is in your control and find a way to move on". Tough love doesn't have to be rude, but people like …
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 05:47 PM
3

Nah. While its good to look at what you can change, that is certainly not the first thing you need to be questioning after getting cheated on. It doesn't matter if he was a butthole. It still doesn't excuse the cheating. Full stop
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 05:41 PM
1

None of that changes the fact that I don’t need to share the details of others’ private lives. Neither do I.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/25 08:08 AM
1

It's not about getting back at all. It's about not covering for them. I had lots of people ask me what happened, and for some I just mention that we got a divorce, but for those that knew us (and were rightfully shocked to find out I filed for divorce), I explained why by simply saying "she had an affair so I filed". One of the unfortunate truths you face when getting cheated on is realizing that karma rarely arrives, and its never as satisfying as you want it to be. I have made peace with that,…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/25 08:04 AM
1

You can get shot and not view yourself as the victim of a gunshot wound but it doesn't change the facts. You don't have to PLAY the victim, of course, but you would be the victim nonetheless. I only make that distinction because, while I understand the importance of focusing only on what you can control, or doing what you think a good man would do, I think society does a good enough job already of telling men to suck it up or not let things affect them and when it comes to infidelity there is a …
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/25 02:06 AM
2

Yes! I would prefer a future where we could get along for the kids and work together but unfortunately that's not my call to make. If she can't take any accountability or try and repair at all, how can I trust anything she says or does regarding anything? That extends to the kids. I'd like to think she wouldn't ever lie about things that concern them but she had no problem blowing up their lives with her affair so..
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 09:04 PM
4

Yep you summed it up pretty well. The grief is real even if you never want them back. Grieving the person you thought they were, the life you thought you were building together, the future you thought you would have.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 09:01 PM
1

I look at it as... I am not sharing details of someone else's life, I am sharing the story of the abuse that I was the victim of. If it makes someone else look bad, then they shouldn't have done it. I know this is a exaggerated example but it would be like getting shot by someone and not wanting to tell anyone so the shooter doesn't feel bad or people don't think poorly of them. Nah. I've managed to not be called a cheater my whole life, and I managed that by.......... not cheating! Pretty simpl…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 05:17 AM
2

You are welcome to disagree. For me, I wanted to share what was the biggest betrayal of my life with the people I care about. They were hugely supportive and helpful for getting me back on my feet. I talked to a therapist about the more gruesome details but it wasn't like I was describing my sex life to my family or something.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 05:11 AM
2

Don't do it in spite of her though. Do it for you. What kind of man do you want to be? Find your purpose and the rest will come
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 11:40 PM
1

Excellent comment
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 11:28 PM
1

"Let it get to that"?
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:19 PM
1

Infidelity is not just any old sin. Honestly I give the side eye to anyone who can get cheated on and shrug it off as the cost of doing business, especially in marriage. I know everyone responds differently but I imagine if that's a person's response they were either cheating themselves or very checked out of the relationship already
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:16 PM
2

Being an adult doesn't mean never discussing uncomfortable things. There is nothing wrong with speaking up if you are cheating on. You don't have to drag their name through the mud but avoiding the truth isn't the best option by default. I think sometimes we treat "being an adult ' as "we don't discuss uncomfortable things or sensitive topics so we just keep everything wrapped up with a nice bow".
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:14 PM
9

If you are cheated on, it's also your story to tell. You aren't playing the victim, you are the victim. There is a difference. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops or smear her name or bring it up with strangers but saying "my wife had an affair so I filed for divorce" is just stating what happened to you and what you did in response. If cheaters didn't want to be labeled a cheat, there is a pretty easy way to avoid that. Don't cheat!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:07 PM
2

And that's just diagnosed. Many men and women have unresolved shit that doesn't get diagnosed but presents in a lot of the same way that diagnosed disorders do. Like anxiety and avoidance tendencies, shame, self worth issues, etc
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/25 06:53 PM
3

To be honest, you might think you are fighting back but you are just hurting yourself and your kids. Get your own place, find your peace, and be an awesome dad when you have your kids and focus on yourself when you don't. That's the best path forward for them and for you even if you aren't in the family home.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 02:34 PM
2

They say that the person giving love often feels the "love" in the relationship more, because they see the potential love that they have to give. That was my problem. I kept giving and giving and changing and adapting in an effort to feel the same love I was giving her, only to realize it was a carrot on a stick. It's a hard lesson to learn but once you recognize the dynamic it doesn't sting quite as bad.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 08:51 PM
1

I'm not implying that you are saying this, but sometimes people see terms like boundaries, gaslighting, and narcissist and assume that (because they are becoming more commonly used) that they have lost their meaning but I think its a good opportunity to more narrowly define what they are instead of designating them as useless. Boundaries are essentially the limit to what you will tolerate, and the action you will take if that boundary is not maintained. Most people have an innate boundary of fid…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 08:48 PM
1

I'm trying not to be too biased here but OP has cheated a half dozen times (that he's admitting or acknowledging) so I think he should beat himself up a bit. He should feel guilty, just don't get stuck in shame. For OP or anyone else in his position, I recommend really digging into why you feel the need to pursue outside validation so much and why you are willing to hurt the person you claim to love in the pursuit of that validation. OP, your wife gave you the gift of reconciliation and you blew…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 01:56 PM
2

Narcissism is not a label. Someone being a narcissist, or getting diagnosed with NPD, is a label. But narcissistic traits are parts of just general human behavior. That is the distinction I was making. Those traits just get amplified when cheating is involved because people exhibit very selfish, entitled behavior when cheating, and that is the type of behavior that narcissism (the trait) describes. Does that make sense? I think the label, and accusing people of being narcissists, is overused. Ma…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 08:57 PM
0

Also, a lot of relationships end due to infidelity and those engaging in infidelity display a lot of narcissistic traits. Everyone has narcissistic traits and behaviors but it's a spectrum and people who cheat usually show a lot of these traits to avoid the fallout from their actions. Gaslighting, lying, manipulating, discarding their partner, anger/resentment, blame shifting, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 05:21 PM
2

I just want to add, and please feel free to disagree or add on as well, but forgiving yourself isn't "it's okay that I did this thing because I'm human and humans make mistakes". That's like, the greeting card version. Instead, focus on balance Self compassion and self accountability. Focusing too much on self compassion can lead to enabling bad behavior and waving it away as "I'm only human". Focusing too much on self accountability can lead to "I am irredeemable and unlovable". I was cheated o…
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 07:38 PM
2

Yeah she took enough from me in the divorce process, I don't need to keep giving my mental time and energy to her for free after
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/25 11:07 PM
2

If I'm being honest I think it has less to do with how you relate to women and more to do with how you relate to yourself. Wanting sex is all well and good, but what is it about continuously seeking out new partners that you feel you need so much? Is it the novelty of something new? Is it because you don't want to stick around long enough for them to know the real you? Is it because you don't think they will accept you for who you really are? Are you a sex or love addict? Is the only time you fe…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 07:59 PM
-2

I don't know, I see a lot of comments calling it gross, which is good to see.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 04:36 PM
1

Agreed, especially about the division. It's far too easy to fall into the rabbit hole, and videos like this are a perfect example. AI generated junk with probably an AI voice-over from a text prompt. Generalizations ruin the discussion. Are there some marriages where the men make all the sacrifice and fall into subservience of their wives? Sure. Are there marriages where the opposite is true? Sure. Instead of arguing who has it worse, historically or otherwise, we need to recognize the ways in w…
/r/MensRights02/07/25 09:31 AM
2

I was in a similar boat, and while I know I could have/should have responded differently to certain things in the marriage, I was also taught or shown through most of my childhood that "Happy Wife, Happy Life" was the mantra to follow. Couple that with some self worth issues (so any "needs" I might have had felt like I was placing a burden on others) and its a recipe for disaster
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 07:23 PM
2

Just like with feminism, "red pill incel weirdo gamer shit" isn't wrong or right all of the time. A lot of times people label any male-focused content as "red pill" if it in any way tries to question women's roles in any of society's dysfunction. Its totally fine to talk about patriarchy, but the minute you argue against it in any way you get labeled with "red pill incel weirdo gamer shit" type labels. Sometimes this sub can veer a little too close to misogyny for my likes, but its understandabl…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 07:20 PM
2

There is a scale to it. On one end, you have people recommending leaving partners at the first sign of trouble. Generally I think these people tend to be avoidant or perhaps dealing with trust issues themselves/being burnt too many times before. But, its not good to ignore signs either, and if you see nothing wrong with a new partner trying to come between him and the limited time he has with his kids, then you need to reassess. The new partner has some importance, but not more than the kids. If…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 04:36 PM
4

Not working on your trust issues and bringing past trauma into future relationships is a red flag. Red flag doesn't necessarily mean to quit, it means to stop progressing and assess the situation. If OP has kids, and he is bringing someone new into his life that doesn't understand how important his limited time with them is, then it's probably not a good fit. If she has been used by men before, that's unfortunate, but not OPs job to fix. A lot of men in this sub have been used by women, and one …
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 03:56 PM
2

He got full custody. Does that sound like a wife who just wanted to escape a terrible husband, or a wife who was running from her life choices? Men can do it too, so I'm not saying this is a man vs woman thing.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 05:08 PM
1

I appreciate the kind words. I'm committed to getting to a healthier place so I minimize any pain or effects from passing to my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 02:06 PM
2

hahaha, fair enough.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 05:21 AM
1

Feminism as a general idea of "helping women" is fine. I don't think most men here want to take away women's right to vote or have property or whatever. But feminism comes in various types and there are a lot of unhelpful aspects of feminism. Sometimes the advice comes from a good place but is harmful in the long run. Like, how many women were told to focus on careers and that they don't need marriage or kids or whatever, then regretting it later in life. Just an example, and probably not the be…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 01:04 AM
2

That's a good outlook to have, and I think there are a lot of men who feel the same but when the risk is potentially life ruining, it's no wonder they aren't interested in marriage again
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 12:36 AM
2

Great comment, and I really like the comparison to hate. We underestimate how much chemicals affect our relationships early on. Huge hits of dopamine especially. We are basically drug addicts looking for our next fix. We bond with someone and the memories of the past and hope for the future keep us bonded, but at some point in the relationship you become disillusioned and realize that things won't be exactly as you imagined. Some people can accept that, and continue to appreciate the life they h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 12:34 AM
3

Yep, which makes them great at pointing out things other people might need to change but not great at offering advice on how to effectively make those changes, because they didn't do it themselves. That's why some of the best addiction counselors are former addicts.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 06:22 PM
3

Haha yeah we can't have that. Mine is the same
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 06:22 PM
1

Unless it was long distance, the odds of it being only emotional are pretty slim. People that have affairs get so jacked up with dopamine that they act like teenagers again. Men and women both are vulnerable to it, but I think women tend to attribute more worth to the infatuation than what it is. They play through all the Disney stories in their head, stories they were fed constantly as a child, and the escape into the fantasy... No one can compete with fantasy, not even the LO over time
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:08 PM
3

Yeah honestly it sounds like she was looking for justification, either because she just wanted out of the marriage, or she is seeing someone else. People (men and women both) do this when they feel like the relationship isn't bad enough to leave, or to justify to others why they want to leave, so they come up with stuff. Especially if they are only focusing on the bad parts and never remembering the good. An amicable divorce would look more like, "hey, we have a lot in common and we enjoyed our …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 06:36 PM
1

There is no narrative. Betraying someone is shitty, full stop. Knowingly pursuing someone in a relationship is shitty. I don't need to feel morally superior, I just don't want to see that kind of behavior normalized. If it makes you feel better to hide behind your justifications then so be it. Given the way you talk about diminishing returns in a relationship, I'm not surprised you cheated. That's the entitlement coming out.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 03:00 PM
1

Honestly man, that's just a shitty rationalization and it's pretty typical cheater behavior. You are just looking to justify shitty behavior, and you know it's shitty deep down because you are trying to make it seem better by making excuses. I don't get the impression you learned much from your past behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 04:20 AM
4

Yeah, sometimes posts like this are hard to read, because I would like to get to a place where my family and her family can occupy the same space but she had an affair for quite a while and hasn't apologized or even admitted to most of it. The divorce is finalized, and I want to just move on with my own life, but her affair didn't just hurt me, it hurt my family too. We are doing separate parties for the kids at the moment, and I hate that so many people think I should just "let the past stay in…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 04:05 PM
13

Or we don't prioritize our health because we prioritize our spouse to our detriment, which is the mistake I made and she still had an affair. You live and you learn I guess
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 09:14 PM
2

I think sexual compatibility is pretty huge so completely ignoring that until marriage seems risky, however holding off while in the early stages of dating can be good, especially if it helps you notice red flags I like the rest of your list though. I might add that if they never take accountability, or they always have some external things to blame, it's only going to get worse and eventually you will become the external thing to blame Lastly, be in the mindset that when it comes to any given r…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 07:43 AM
1

I think that's a healthy approach. My divorce is pretty fresh so I'm really trying to work on being comfortable being alone again before I try dating, because I don't want to fill a void or find someone because I feel lonely, I want to be at a place where I can take it or leave it. Probably seems like common advice but I haven't dated since high school so I feel like I'm just learning these things haha.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 08:52 PM
2

Number 3 is the biggest area of learning I've had post divorce. Cheating ex is basically living with the 25 year old alcoholic, and it took a long time to stop wondering what I needed to change about myself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 01:51 AM
2

That's because they are looking outwardly only, and everything looks fine but they are still not happy because the problem is they aren't happy with themselves and they don't want to admit it
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 01:45 AM
7

I think marriage as an social union is fine, but I also think some of the societal changes we have seen have put too much pressure on a marriage. Things like Rise of the nuclear family, and by extension an isolating effect where we lose the "village" and by extension need to either be more self-reliant or spouse reliant. Expectations and social media - We are constantly bombarded with fake or glamorized lives and so many people feel that they are either not keeping up or they are missing out. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 08:20 PM
0

I think there is maybe some nuance being left out. I'm not sure if /u/Ok-Cause1108 meant it this way or not, but I think it would be better phrased as "Women think more emotionally than logically", as in, they aren't illogical, but they let their emotions dictate their actions much more than men, and like /u/oldschool818 said, its a feature, not a bug. Women are more in tune with their emotions than men, but sometimes those emotions take over the more logical parts of their brains. Men can do th…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 06:09 PM
15

I think they said all that to remind him of what she was doing with other men behind his back, so he stops looking at her through rose tinted glasses, not because doing those things is bad in themselves
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 06:56 PM
6

I agree with /u/MonarchistExtreme , you probably have a better idea of what to say, you just might not be sure how much you think is "appropriate" to share. He's 15, so he's young but he definitely has friends who have divorced parents and he knows what cheating is. Don't drag her through the mud, because she is still his mom and he loves her, but be honest with him. Tell him the truth so he knows he can trust you to tell the truth even when its hard. Don't go into specifics, but don't leave out…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 10:47 PM
3

I think deep down we know our own faults, so if you are taking anything to heart only let it be the things that you yourself think are things you need to improve. Don't change to be a better version of the person she "wants", change to be a better version of the person you want to be, and if that happens to align with some of her complaints then so be it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 09:32 PM
2

Hey man, whatever works for you is great. Personally I've seen too many men in my life refuse to talk about shit and it festered. Calling it weak kneed seems strange, like getting out and banging random women is the manlier and therefore correct thing. I guess we all have our different ideas of what masculinity is.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 12:54 AM
4

Sometimes the cliche advice of "hang in there, it gets better" just feels like a ...cliche. It took me some time to realize that a person works through the process, consciously or unconsciously, and you really just need to "hang on" while the initial shock and stuff is over. I'm sure other people have come to that conclusion much sooner than I, but I wanted to share anyway. You might think you miss her, but you are just worried about being alone, and you just need to remind yourself how willingl…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 11:18 PM
2

The advice not to date is because if you are reeling from a divorce, particularly if there was infidelity, you are not in a healthy place to pick healthy partners. It's not to isolate yourself, in fact the usual advice is quite the opposite. Just meeting people for a date and sex without an expectation of forming a long term relationship is a little better than isolation I suppose, but still misses the point. Personally, reaching out to friends and family, going to group stuff and yes even thera…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 11:09 PM
7

My wife asked for an open marriage, and changed her mind. She started going out with "co-workers" more, but it was just one co-worker in particular. When I started to have suspicions and asked her questions she wanted to separate and she brought up dating while separating to "figure out if we even like each other". I told her I didn't get married to her without knowing I liked her. We were separated all last summer until I found out they had been sleeping together even before she asked for the o…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 06:03 PM
11

The dating while separated or asking for an open marriage is a cliche because it's such a common thing. I would bet money that she is still involved with that guy
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 05:57 PM
5

I feel like I've had to do a lot of soul searching after mine, so I had this belief that she could do it too and maybe she would change or show some accountability for her cheating. It's only been a few months since everything was finalized but I am pretty sure that accountability and change will never come
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 01:51 PM
3

Yeah, I get that valentines day is a commercial holiday, but I still tried to give flowers, cards, and candy most years. I don't remember getting anything for .......ever? in our 17 years together. Happy wife, Happy life was the mantra so even if I was feeling unappreciated or whatever, it felt like I just needed to accept the status quo and push forward. I think it's fine not to expect anything on the holiday, but it's hard to see just how much that lack of appreciation burdens you until the bu…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:09 PM
1

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 01:27 AM
3

In situations like this all you can do is focus on you. The version of herself she is posting or her friends are posting are always going to seem better than they are. Everyone posts their highlight reels, and post-divorce she is probably trying to do it even more than ever, to prove to herself and others why it was a good choice. If she is happy after divorce, then of course it was a good idea right? You decide the kind of man you want to be, the future you want for yourself. You owe it to your…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 05:08 PM
13

Especially if there is a sudden interest in working out/changing appearance.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 08:17 PM
3

The entire thread is discussing his wife's use of E2E encryption on a single conversation and you said "everyone deserves a right to privacy". That's context clues. If you were trying to make a point that encryption is something people should use or are entitled to use for the sake of privacy, then make that distinction, but you generalized it so given the context of the thread it sounds like you were defending her actions. Why do you think people reacted that way to your message?
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 04:16 AM
5

It's not like she was using it for all the other conversations. Just one. That's not privacy, that's secrecy
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 04:03 AM
0

I think the jerking off isn't the problem. It's the porn part
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 12:25 AM
2

I wish you weren't getting down voted. Not having sex with your spouse is a recipe for an unhealthy marriage but so is ignoring things that make them uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with masturbating but I can totally understand why looking at porn would make their partner feel bad.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 12:24 AM
2

Yep. The court is not particularly forgiving towards men especially
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/25 12:06 AM
2

Moving out of the home can be used against you. Don't assume she won't try and play dirty. Thousands of stories of people not recognizing their spouses in the divorce process
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 08:44 PM
9

Forgetting is not an option, forgiveness is for you. You don't have to tell them, it's just letting it go so it doesn't live in your head all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 03:36 PM
1

I don't believe you are a man-child. You sound pretentious as hell though. I thought at first that you were responding in earnest but it honestly feels like you are trolling or playing a role, so this will be my last reply. After re-reading your posts, I honestly do think its best for the kids that you are not in their life. They deserve love and support, not someone who thinks they were going to "shape philosopher kings" and wants to abandon them because he failed in that venture, or who views …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 10:59 PM
1

I'm not sure why you think I would be on the defensive, or why you think I am a troll. You posted in the subreddit, presumably to get genuine advice, so I offered it. Being a parent is hard, and kids are going to say or do things that indicate they don't care about you or want you around. They are children, its what they do. Every parent on the planet has heard "I hate you" from their kids. It's your job as a mature adult to recognize that they still deserve your love and effort despite that. I …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 07:21 PM
6

Yeah I second this. Figure out what's going on in your head that you don't seem to care about your own kids. They deserve to be loved, and you should be giving them that. If you truly don't think you are capable of that right now, be honest with them then go to therapy or something and work on yourself because they deserve the effort
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/24 05:36 PM
3

Maybe just be really honest about it all. She might have been nervous. Just tell her what you told us mostly. Be honest about what you are looking for and if she isn't looking for the same then that's fine. Maybe you just get a new friend out of the deal.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 10:36 PM
3

Yep, this is key. In fact I think the work outside of therapy might be more important. My STBXW had been going to therapy for years and not really improved and I used to think it was because her depression/anxiety were so tough to work through. Turns out she just hadn't really been open/honest with even her therapist and wasn't doing anything the therapist suggested she work on outside of sessions. She would isolate herself from the family most nights, then had an affair claiming she felt lonely…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 06:15 AM
2

Yep. No one is saying you should be unhappy but it seems the initial reaction is to think the marriage should do all of those things, and when it inevitably doesn't they think it's the marriage and not something with themselves. I get so frustrated at the "kids are resilient" line. Kids adapt well, but they don't come out unscathed. So much shit from our childhood that comes back to haunt us, especially having divorced parents. My STBXW was ready to give up after like 3 weeks (6 sessions) of cou…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 01:49 AM
2

Yeah. That's good advice. Sometimes people get stuck on "winning" after divorce, like a contest to see who was affected the least or who needs the other the least. Just focus on you and who you want to be. It's a lesson I'm working on myself
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 09:06 PM
7

Keep in mind that every relationship falls into a companionate love and that infatuation "in love" feeling will not be as frequent, but you have the benefit of having someone you know has your back. If I were you I would see a LMFT that specializes in sexuality and marriage. Chances are you could have a much deeper and fulfilling relationship with your wife than you have and your views may change. Often times people get swept up in the honeymoon stage and forget that they had that at one time wi…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 10:03 PM
8

If the sexual frequency is lower than they want and they can't fix it in the relationship then you leave the relationship before finding a new partner.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 09:54 PM
3

Its especially sad, because with some accountability and humility, there could be some amazing growth and happy memories down the road. In some ways I feel bad for my STBXW that she is going to live her life that way, but you can't help someone that won't help themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 10:53 PM
6

Its wild that some people can look at statistics like this(a person is 75% more like to get divorced if they have close friends and family that are divorced) and automatically assume their view is correct. Women assume its because they finally have the support to leave abusive relationships, and men assume its unhappy women convincing their wives they are unhappy or deserve better or that they don't need a man so why have one? Its probably a little of both, and of course I don't advocate for men…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 09:04 PM
5

Narcissism is one of those terms where only like 1-2% of the population qualifies medically, but according to social media its more like the opposite.... 98-99%
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 09:01 PM
3

Yeah. I normally wouldn't fault someone for wanting to change their life and making a big change like that, but when there is kids involved its such a shitty thing to do. Take the time to go to therapy, work on themselves first, and if they realize that they really need out of the marriage then do it maturely and amicably instead of cheating or abandoning their kids. Marriage used to be more about marrying someone to help you with life, and you would develop this deep bond over shared strife tog…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 04:19 PM
4

Honestly? "Boredom" in a marriage is always an excuse. I'm not saying people shouldn't ever leave unhappy marriages, but I think if the marriage is boring, you make it less boring (you and her both). I think most people feel bored with their life, not with their marriage, and they think changing it up will make things better. It might, but more often than not they will find themselves in a similar situation with someone else down the road because they are looking for outside things to fill their…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:57 PM
1

haha, yeah. Its a sad deal because we have so much convenience in every other area of life that we have conditioned ourselves to expect an easy fix to everything. Unfortunately for relationships, the easy fix is usually not a fix at all.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 07:22 PM
3

If she abandoned her kids then I already pity them. They deserve a dad who isn't miserable so he can be more present with them.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 07:12 AM
1

We would be better served calling out misogynistic stuff here than trying to get the main divorce sub to be neutral. Its a lost cause at this point
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 05:25 AM
6

I'm not advocating for staying in unhappy or abusive marriages by any means, but this idea that the minute things are going great, or they aren't "happy", or the dreaded "I love you but I am not in love with you" shit. I think most women think of infatuation as love, decades of Disney princess movies and talking about the wedding of their dreams, they have a couple of kids, and suddenly they don't feel like a princess anymore..... until a coworker hits on them and they feel "alive" again. Nah, t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 05:22 AM
2

emotional affair
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 07:46 PM
6

You deserve to tell the truth. Don't keep her secrets for her. You don't have to put her on blast, just tell the truth and hold your head high that you didn't ask for this. The kids won't be affected except to know the truth. If it negatively affects how they view her, she should have considered that before asking for a divorce. I can almost guarantee she had someone else lined up and they backed out or didn't want a commitment.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:23 PM
1

It sucks but there is a certain peace that comes with knowing I am not the reason our marriage was destroyed. I'm not perfect but I have been a great husband, father, and partner and I know this is on her and her issues. I can look back without too many regrets. I'm just focusing on picking up the pieces and taking care of my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 05:53 PM
2

Yeah, likewise it feels like I wrote this comment. Moved 2 years ago and she has already fooled around with 2 coworkers and suddenly wants to "live life!". Uhhhh that's what we were doing with our kids and family. You just want to get validation from other men without feeling guilty. I'll never be able to understand how someone can blow up their kids' lives like that and not be consumed by guilt.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 03:38 PM
2

Amen My STBXW is definitely in the mindset of "how is my marriage serving me?" And feels like chasing happiness in whatever form she can is the solution instead of working on why she is unhappy with herself as a person
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 03:15 PM
7

All those bullet points can be summed up as selfishness and never being content , which I think both men and women are capable of obviously, but I think women in general have a tendency to do the social media comparison game and can never be happy with what they have or who they are. These are generalizations of course, but I think women are just more susceptible to the "keeping up with the Jones' ". People often joke about how simple men can be, but I think it can be a real strength to be able …
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 11:46 PM
1

There is going to have to be grace on both ends. People don't stay pretty forever and if everyone lived in fear that their partner was going to move on to the next hottest person then that's not good for anyone. I mean, Tom Brady got cheated on. I think that the modern era changes how and what we select partners for, but a lot of people don't need a spouse or family to survive, it's just a bonus, and as a result people are willing to divorce way quicker if there are any issues.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 02:18 PM
2

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass does a great job of detailing how these things start. People mistake friendliness for more or allow themselves to start making comparisons between coworkers and their spouse and pretty soon they are so disillusioned by their spouse that they wonder why they ever got together in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 03:00 PM
3

Yep. The increase in men and women working together has made this even worse because the workplace is such fertile ground for these types of connections to form. People need to be better about setting boundaries with coworkers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 02:36 AM
5

In some posts on the main divorce sub you see comments from "walkaway wives" talking about how they spent years trying to get their husbands to listen. I know there are probably lots of instances where they legitimately were trying, and there were legitimate issues. Alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever. However, I have to wonder how many of them were in the mindset of "how does this marriage serve me?" I'm sure some men do this too, but I think society has kind of conditioned men to be providers/protec…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:52 PM
1

Relational investment is different than economic investment though. You are right that people avoid difficulties if they can get the same reward with less trouble, and in a lot of areas in life that will hold true. People don't realize though, that the emotional depth that you gain from working through hard times with another person is a way better reward than getting to that same level with a new person. Its easier to leave and start over, but if you don't learn what caused issues in the previo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:38 PM
1

Nah, don't be like that. Everyone has a chance of a redemption arc in their own story. You get one shot at this life, and you are the only person who can control whether you deserve love. If you don't think you do, figure out a way to do better so you can get to a place where you feel you deserve it. Whether that's learning to forgive yourself, learning to love yourself, making amends, whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:30 PM
8

Yeah, "butterflies" are not love, its infatuation, and every single relationship loses that initial surge of butterflies. Its just the nature of human relationships. Transitioning into companionate love, moving past the disillusionment, and accepting a partner for their flaws or shortcomings is part of that transition. Expecting things to stay in the infatuation/dopamine stage is unrealistic and not healthy tbh. We can't maintain that forever. Its unfortunate that people who have affairs aren't …
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:27 PM
1

I agree with almost everything you said here, but I do think its important to not put the entire emphasis on the husband chasing the wife. Our society already encourages men to be the pursuer, and the woman to be the pursued, and it has tipped the scales so much that less people are getting married, more people are getting divorced, and I think part of it is these weird expectations that both men and women are told. Like you said, we are taught to be providers, to be loyal, be a good dad and eve…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:24 PM
2

I think it depends on how much each person is invested. Sometimes you can't force it, sure, but if both people are learning how to be effective communicators, communicating their needs, and the other person is doing their best to meet them, I think that emotional connection would make a huge difference. Obviously being physically attracted to each other is important too, but most people become attracted to the people they are emotionally invested in. I think its important for people to learn how…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:09 PM
8

Perel* Just in case people want to look her up
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 01:08 PM
2

Did she ever explain why she was miserable?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 06:56 AM
2

Get ready to feel a bit better. Mine suggested an open relationship and I tried to have an open mind. She had a coworker in mind already, they went on a few dates, made out some, and I realized I wasn't going to be okay with that plan so I asked to close. Then all of a sudden she has this laundry list of things that were actually a problem for a long time but she didn't realize until after I asked to close. Imagine that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 06:55 AM
1

A lot of times they check out while still in the relationship and they use your emotional support to work through the feelings before they tell you. It's why guys feel so blind sided because it feels like things are fine until it's over, and they seem to be mostly unphased by your misery
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 04:54 AM
1

Man your post hit home for me. She has this vision of us being friends and raising the kids together after the divorce. Wanting her cake and eating it too. I can barely stand the thought that she is willing to cause my kids pain because.....we don't go out drinking enough? We don't go to enough concerts? Imagine throwing your life away, hurting your kids, leaving your husband (who everyone says treats you like a queen), for that? (And a younger coworker) It's just so hard to reconcile those moti…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 04:47 AM
1

I'm in a similar boat with my wife having an emotional affair with a coworker and blaming a lot of it on things like "we don't play cards together or you stopped taking me on dates". Trying to be honest with myself about the things I could have improved while also not allowing her to excuse her way out of what she did is a fine line, and it's harder to do when she is so afraid of taking responsibility for her actions.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 01:16 PM
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