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View 0 posts and 865 comments by abqkat on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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8

Doesn't it depend on your age? At 15, lots of young people would be jealous of a 5-month long ex GF/BF. At 25, having been divorced already might cause some issues in a new relationship. By 35, it would be completely bonkers to expect that whomever you're dating hasn't dated, been married, cohabitated before. At 45, it's interesting to watch the wave of divorces in my social circle - some people haven't had a first date since before cell phones and the adjustment period, and history with one per…
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/26 12:22 PM
4

That's been my observation, too. With so many options, it's easy to keep someone on the backburner. And because most of it is online, there's no real social repercussion to just ghosting someone like there would be if you meet through friends or church. I've done this at several times in my dating life. Once was because I maybe sorta liked him (but not really if I were being honest) so the easy play was to see him when it was convenient only. The other time was because I had to work with him and…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/05/24 11:06 AM
5

Exactly. As long as your different hobbies are complimentary. In your case, it likely would be an issue if your spouse not only didn't like hiking, but her free time was spent campaigning for fracking or something completely at odds with your (assumed? Idk) views on things
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/24 08:24 PM
3

IMO, it depends on what the hobbies or interests represent. I met my husband through a mutual hobby, firearms. I simply wouldn't have the same worldview as a anti-gun type, and it would affect our views on many other things. My friend loves football more than anything, watches lots of games, attends when he can, etc., and his wife thinks it's for dumb meatheads - they started out compromising and trying to respect the other's view, but that only works until it doesn't - his social circle, charit…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/24 08:21 PM
0

I can agree with this, when I was early 30's. Id have said the same as a teenager, thinking 30 year olds were not attractive. I'm now in my mid-40's and say that about 55 year olds. My tastes have changed as I have aged. And I think that most well adjusted people would say the same thing - it's physical and mental for sure, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate03/03/24 12:45 AM
1

I really think that the nuclear family unit being the goal, is going to be seen as a bizarre time in US history. People are already having to go back to living with roommates or parents. But a lot of cultures and families have whole-ass communities to raise a child. Hell, I'm up super early, anytime I've lived in intentional community, I do the early part of the day so the parents can sleep.
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/23 12:50 PM
14

Not to mention the many health, identity, intellectual, professional, marital, libido changes that women risk in motherhood. So much of the sacrifice and constant work is on moms vs dads, and so to me it's clear why more women are opting out
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/23 02:09 AM
3

What I've personally witnessed, and am guilty of in my marriage, is the manufactured issues that can come with "running a home." Though the younger generation is much better about it, there's still quite a bit of "keeping up with the Joneses." Women definitely do more domestically, IME, but a lot of what we sometimes (overall and with exception) think that running a house requires, is because of lifestyle creep and an ideal of what a home requires
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/23 02:05 AM
2

I have a cousin married to this guy. It's so bleak to watch unfold because, guaranteed that, the minute she gets a night with friends or book club or something, he'll call because he can't find the broom, has an itchy leg, misses her so much.... Granted, they have 6 kids when he was vocal about only wanting 2, so they are in a Sisyphean nightmare anyway. But I've seen it go that way in so so many families, even ones where they both work
/r/PurplePillDebate09/11/23 09:45 PM
5

And even that is changing as more people are opting out of parenthood
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/23 05:58 PM
2

I'm sorry that happened, but glad that it was before you had kids together. She sounds very fickle if she changed her mind and behavior and trajectory just like that, that's quite the 180'. I don't want kids, so didn't date till my 30's, and without a biological clock, my experience was much different from those looking to settle down and have a family right away. I don't envy the pressure and limited options that dating at 35+ would come with in that case
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/23 05:35 PM
6

I think a lot of it depends on if you want kids. If you do, 36 is a lot different than 36 and not wanting them. More and more women are opting out of motherhood for various reasons, but for those who do want kids, it does seem like Musical Chairs of Dating occurs at ~33-36 and is one reason people settle down with whomever they are dating at that age
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/23 05:27 PM
1

Gotcha. If you trust a partner enough to rely on him entirely, and not need any stimulation or challenges outside the home, then well wishes to you both - thanks or sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate25/09/23 07:31 PM
1

Housewife with or without kids? Or just not work in general? Not to disparage your vision I'm just curious about people who don't want to work, it's so different than my vision
/r/PurplePillDebate25/09/23 05:34 PM
3

Definitely have observed this. And I think that it leads a lot of women into pressuring for a proposal and wanting the "next step" in a relationship after dating for XYZ years
/r/PurplePillDebate27/08/23 02:20 AM
1

Not even the total opposite of married, ie clubbing and hooking up. But the title: being a wife/ married sounds a lot more permanent than a girlfriend/ dating/ living together/ partnered/ other terms they come up with. For better and worse, most cultures, families, social circles, institutions see marriage as a different pairbond than dating or living together - the cultural relevance of marriage doesn't just go away because people are opting out. Personally, I wouldn't/ didn't plan my life arou…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/08/23 02:18 AM
–

And that's a huge factor: if they want kids. As more and more women are opting out of parenthood, the pressure and biological realities are fewer. I don't want kids, and so when I was dating at 30+, I was able to get fit, cultivate hobbies, have intentional friendships, and a lot of what, IME, women arent able or willing to do if they are solely focused on a "husband and children" trajectory
/r/PurplePillDebate26/08/23 02:12 PM
5

Indeed. I wince every time men I know with any resources at all, get married without a prenup, or to someone who has shown to be a wild card in any way. Including my own husband - I'm a predicate accountant with my own money and resources, and still thought it was wise to treat our marriage not just with emotion, but logistical sense. Couples who don't address the business side of marriage, IME working with people's money, are in for a rough ride
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/23 10:50 AM
1

I mean, my master's diplomas and American birth certificate and cash are pieces of paper. There can be implications and privileges that paper grants. The only people I've ever known to non-ironically throw that around, though, are women whose boyfriends of many years are not willing- now or ever- to formally commit.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/23 10:44 AM
0

Because many women are convinced that dating and living together and "feeling basically as committed" is enough. With so many women willing to cohabitate without commitment, it kind of makes sense that the emphasis on marriage has dwindled
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/23 10:40 AM
1

Both marriage and birth rates are on the decline. When women have options, they have fewer children and marry later. But just because marriage is changing, doesn't take away its cultural significance - nearly every family, culture, workplace, institution, social circle acknowledges that marriage is different than dating or living together, by many measures. So many are opting out, but most people still acknowledge marriage as a different pairbond than dating
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/23 10:37 AM
2

I agree. And am married. No kids now or ever, but I see the risks that many men take in marriage, when women initiate divorce more often, often earn less, and the myriad of other things. Now, he and I both had our own money and income, which leveled things. But I wouldn't ever get married without a prenup, and having my own wealth and no kids provides a definite safety net in out case. But overall, I think many men should be waaaay more prudent and careful before committing
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/23 10:32 AM
3

And that's why, at least in my social circle, many women are opting out. Even in otherwise equal relationships, the vast majority of the burden and loss and risk and sacrifice and endless work is on moms. I always said I might have considered it if I were born a man. But the reality of modern motherhood, and the fact that we collectively have some options, is a huge deal that many women are reconsidering the life script they're peddled.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/03/23 12:28 PM
4

And it kind of discounts the woman who are quite happy about the fact that the chance drops after 30. When I read that, I thought "phew! Now... If only the questions and implications that I must be sad and lonesome would stop." True, many (most?) women want kids, but as people have options, they have fewer of them, and many times that's a very good thing
/r/PurplePillDebate16/03/23 11:03 AM
3

Except that, it doesn't go that way IRL, many times, unfortunately. I don't have a "fetish" for accounting, I like having a good life and savings. I do hiring in my industry, and sorry, but a years long gap is not something I'm going to hire. So if you don't work or build anything at all, and your marriage doesn't work out, IME, it's going to be poverty city. And it's valid to not want to have so few options for years and years, which is part of the reason some women are opting out of that appro…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/03/23 09:19 PM
10

And that's part of the reason many women are opting out - even in otherwise equal relationships, the burden and sacrifice and loss and risk and physical ailments is majorly on women. And as women have more options, they delay or forgo motherhood. It's not just a matter of if you want kids or whatever, there are logistical considerations
/r/PurplePillDebate15/03/23 09:12 PM
7

As is opting out of any type of income or experience (not even like an ambitious career) for years. I work with people's money and have seen what happens when the worst happens. Many women do it, for sure, but for women with any educational or other goals, it doesn't make much sense to get married and have babies at 22
/r/PurplePillDebate15/03/23 09:09 PM
7

And one reason that many people are opting out. I am 40's, married, and never wanted kids, so I don't have any constraints, which is easy enough. But looking around to my late 30's peers try to navigate it all- money, housing, working, all of it- looks so harrowingly difficult. I cannot imagine making those types of calls in life. Though, I do disagree with OPs point: it is NOT easy to get back into the workforce after years out of it - I do lots of hiring, and anyone out of work more than a bou…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/03/23 09:04 PM
3

I don't really get what you're saying. About looks or being triggered and stuff But the part I did understand, that there doesn't need to be a 50-50 split, is what I've never seen work IRL. Anecdotally, the sahms I know tend to think that their 'job' is super hard, and not really grasp their immense privilege in having someone finance their lives. They often complain that their partners don't help with chores, despite that being their 'job.' Just my observation, of course, but the sahms that I k…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/23 03:19 PM
8

Does she have any protection or options if the marriage ends or your business fails? I work with people's money and can't help but wince when the only option for income is a spouse, because shit happens- a lot- so am curious about how couples where one doesn't work, navigate uncomfortable worst case scenarios
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/23 01:17 PM
6

Yeah, same. Work is not everything, but it does add a lot to people's ability to problem solve, network, and the ability to sustain the family if shit goes south. My husband would hear none of it if I just... Didn't want to work. Our ambitions, drive, desire to set goals (not just work related, but hobbies that require money) is part of what makes us a match. I work with people's money and have seen what can happen when death, layoffs, divorce, infidelity happen. Hot, maybe unfair, take: I think…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/23 01:11 PM
13

Yep, same. I am from a big traditional family, and saw it repeatedly. I learned early that that was not for me, and went into finance where I've been working with people's money for 20+ years. No one goes into marriage expecting a layoff/ affair/ death/ divorce/ injury. But it happens, a lot. I cannot help but wince when the women I know opt out of working (not even high powered careers, just stability and experience that comes with it) for years with only their husband's income as their net.
/r/PurplePillDebate31/01/23 02:43 AM
12

It comes back around. Not sure your age but the first wave of divorces will start ~mid-30's. And then the second wave of marriages is a whole other thing, especially for those who want kids
/r/PurplePillDebate27/12/22 12:17 PM
3

Dating was super easy for me, and other wo/men I am friends with when- and this is what many people don't grasp- you offer that which you seek and are realistic about your league. I never had issues dating, personally, and those who do are woefully misguided about their league, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate27/12/22 12:14 PM
0

This is, in a nutshell, my problem with it. It doesn't really mean anything or have a true ideology, but when they don't like something, it's "that's not real feminism!" Also, it's not okay to applaud any choice a woman makes under the guise of choice. Some choices are harmful, even when a woman makes them.
/r/PurplePillDebate27/12/22 12:10 PM
1

I can see that, and don't mean to invalidate people's experience. I've never done it, and wouldn't, so I can't relate. That said, to not work is a massive privilege usually, and means that life is funded by a spouse/ partner. And the sahms I personally know seem to focus on the exhaustion without acknowledging the reality of the very lucky lot in life that makes it possible
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/22 02:21 PM
1

Definitely. I am just very very fiscally minded, work with people's money daily, have always worked, so I guess I just am pretty biased against those who don't work. It's hard not to find them a little out of touch and offbase about things like work, upkeep, etc
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/22 12:00 PM
3

A lot of things contribute to this exhaustion, for sure. Loss of communal support, rise in costs so more working hours needed, etc. But how are they so perpetually exhausted when working moms don't seem to be, nearly as much? IME, the sahms I know are pretty out of touch about their demands and privilege
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/22 11:58 AM
1

Can't it be both: the vast majority of domestic upkeep and burden of childcare is on women, definitely. But many women also have self-imposed demands of what the house/ family "needs." That's the blunt truth in my marriage, anyway
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/22 11:56 AM
1

Obviously, this is referring to a "job" where the only metric is keeping your own kids alive/ house afloat. And are surrounded as all day by people that nature programmed you to love Not a job where you have meetings, external demands, deadlines, a boss, etc. Frankly, all (okay, 98%, one isn't) of the sahms that I know are wildly unhinged about their privileges and free time, so I don't compare working vs not
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/22 11:54 AM
4

I'm married, and we earn about 60/40 the household income. During bouts of unemployment, our household division changed to reflect that. I love working and can't picture not doing so or relying on my spouse for every financial thing in life. I also work with people's money and have seen the disparity unfold a ton IRL That's my axiom and my worldview reflects that: if you don't work, your 'job' is to do the majority of the housework. Money is a funny thing, and it's unreasonable to me when people…
/r/PurplePillDebate08/12/22 01:56 PM
1

No, like not wanting to be on AARP when they move out, not wanting even more bodily repercussions than pregnancy already entails, and many others. We don't see eye to eye here, and I thank my lucky stars that I have no biological clock - thank you for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate29/11/22 02:49 AM
1

Sure, the actual risk or stats. But there's reasons other than the statistical risk of pregnancy to not want to start having kids that late, which is also a valid reality that many wo/men consider
/r/PurplePillDebate29/11/22 02:44 AM
1

Maybe not impossible, or even rare, but it is a factor, at least what I noticed when I was 30+ dating without wanting kids vs friends who did. It's valid to want to have them before 35+, for many reasons, not just the question of if you technically can
/r/PurplePillDebate29/11/22 02:32 AM
1

I was 30 when I married my husband (4 years older than me). To me, that was the far bigger factor than age: having/ wanting kids, which I don't. So I wasn't on any type of countdown and would have been fine (in my bitter post-wall, aging-like-milk glory, so says this sub) single for many more years. There was no rush or anything at all, and that was a far bigger factor between me and my 30+ friends wanting to have kids
/r/PurplePillDebate29/11/22 02:30 AM
23

Yeah, I literally never had a problem finding sane, commitment-minded, kind, attractive men when I was dating, up to and including who I married. For the simple reason: I offer/ed that which I seek: financially stable, no debt, not fat, reasonably fit, didn't expect anyone to change. The people I hear who have issues finding suitable partners are people who are woefully misguided about their own league
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/22 03:37 PM
1

Same. My period is easy, 2.5 days, minimal cramps that I can get ahead of with an ibuprofen. Being ON my period is the literal reset button, where my hunger and sleep and mood returns to normal. The 3-5 days prior, I do experience PMS: hunger, restlessness, irritability, but I've tracked it enough over the last 20+ years to make accomodations so I can not let it control me Like most things, it does vary by person. Which is why it's important to not invalidate people's lives experiences when they…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/11/22 02:33 PM
8

I'd definitely agree with your second point, but would expand it: not being aware of their league. Women do it, too, for sure. But this thread is about men, so IME, it's when a guy wants a fit, hot (but not high maintenance), well dressed intelligent woman who adores his 7 fantasy football leagues, cooks a ton, but does not offer any of that - usually an isolated, fat gamer who thinks that dressing up is "shallow," and that any ~female~ who wants effort in a relationship is a gold digger That's …
/r/PurplePillDebate19/11/22 02:26 PM
1

Absolutely true. But I'd venture a guess that for 99% of Americans I know, being too skinny is hardly a concern. Not to invalidate your experience, by any means. I just don't know too many people outside of puberty that need to worry about too skinny, so I don't think of it as much as too overweight
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/22 03:03 AM
3

That's absurd. If you are offering that which you seek, I did not find dating hard in my 30's at all. But I'm pretty realistic about my league and what I offer, am not fat, no debt, no kids, so that is a huge leg up. If you are at all introspective, I don't think being 30+ is nearly the death sentence of relationships that this sub would have you believe
/r/PurplePillDebate15/11/22 06:56 PM
7

You said something that this post missed: wanting kids, or not. For women who don't have or want kids, dating in your 30's is a lot easier, IME. I had no trouble at all, but I can see how a biological clock is a definite factor in options
/r/PurplePillDebate15/11/22 06:53 PM
6

And they are often so unhinged about their own league, too! When I was 29, childless, fit, no debt, reasonable amount of baggage for that age... I had a thrice divorced father of 4 at my work who could NOT grasp why his being "soooo attracted to me" was not really the flattering thing that he thought. I wasn't desperate for a man like so many women are, but his mental gymnastics were really interesting because it was pretty common to encounter. Like yeah, he had money and was good looking (for 5…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/11/22 06:51 PM
2

The biggest difference in appearance, IMO, for both men and women is: don't be fat. If one can do that, they are already 10x more attractive physically than the masses (lol) their age. Even 20/30 somethings seem to be pretty rotund these days. When I was dating in my 30's, I was not fat, no debt, and that was the difference between me and my "where are all the good men?!" peers
/r/PurplePillDebate15/11/22 06:45 PM
9

My phrase about marriage is: Communication and compromise are very important, but.... Sure is easier on a foundation of compatibility. All the "relationships take constant work and communication!" couples I know are either in a Sisyphean nightmare or divorced. If you compromise on ancillary details vs foundational issues, yes, communication is everything, but in OPs examples, sounds like they are trying to power through fundamental disconnects
/r/PurplePillDebate11/11/22 12:12 PM
9

Are these female friends suddenly looking for a good, stable guy and are horrified that their past has affected their prospects? Makes sense that they think it's unfair
/r/PurplePillDebate09/11/22 04:50 PM
6

It depends entirely on the length of the relationship, imo. After a date or 2, that's just fizzling out, the truth might not be 100% necessary. But 5 months of dating, that's just psychotic to ghost. I don't think you owe an explanation after a date or 2
/r/PurplePillDebate09/11/22 04:48 PM
5

I met my spouse on Reddit. Eloped and spent the money on something better, have a cat, super pedantic and sanctimonious, and all the other things redditors like
/r/PurplePillDebate09/11/22 04:45 PM
11

That is rapidly changing, for better and worse. The more options women have, the fewer children they have. Education and experience and earning potential are drastically changing marriage and birth rates. It might not be the case in another generation or two
/r/PurplePillDebate27/10/22 02:04 AM
2

I am 100% opposite of you, and wouldn't have married my husband if he was even a little open to wanting kids. But the underlying fact remains: so so many couples go into marriage without true compatibility on the big issues, and that's where deep resentment sets in, IME. The couples I know who were not aligned about the big topics are either super unhappy, divorced, or both
/r/PurplePillDebate15/10/22 11:56 AM
3

IIRC, the stats are pretty clear: the more choices in life a woman has, the fewer children she has. I knew from an early age I didn't want kids, so my axiom differs than those who do. And I really just see motherhood (not necessarily parenthood in general) as a burden. But I also work with people's money, and have seen the many losses, sacrifices, risks, burdens, hurdles, trade-offs that women are up against when they have kids. And more women are seeing that there can be more to life than depen…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/10/22 11:17 AM
8

I've seen this unfold IRL, too. The healthy women move on, but the victim-mentality ones shriek about where all the good men have gone. Men definitely can be spineless about it, wasting a woman's time for years, but women have some blame, too. It's not equal or the same, what men and women go through in dating, but IME, far too many people don't turn the finger inward while dealing with dating woes
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/22 11:10 AM
13

This has been my observation, too. "Introverted" has been used way wrong and way too much in the past years, IME. If you're too 'introverted' to leave the house, order at Subway, talk to women at all, and are exhausted by leaving the house... Yeah, that's not average or introverted or healthy, at all. Yet that label in is increasingly common and I think many men are slinking into it
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/22 11:02 AM
16

This is the single biggest factor I notice in my unhappily single friends vs those who have a good dating experience. More broadly, I think dating is difficult if you don't offer that which you seek, be it fitness, education, financially stable, etc.
/r/PurplePillDebate07/07/22 11:12 AM
12

Was I the only person that didn't think dating was hard? I'm not fat and have no debt/ real baggage, and that was true when dating, even at 30+. I also didn't try to shoehorn every person into a relationship, nor did I fuck any guy who was nice to me. I guess I didn't have the same experiences that many wo/men do in dating
/r/PurplePillDebate07/07/22 11:08 AM
1

Right. So to eat less is about the easiest way to lose weight. Exercise matters a whole lot less
/r/PurplePillDebate28/06/22 07:25 PM
1

To lose weight requires very little time, if any. You don't need to spend hours at the gym to lose weight or get fit(ter). Kids like playing. The moms I personally know who act like they have no time, ever, are either misguided on how they use their free time or with partners that are useless parents. But to simply lose weight requires very little extra time to just eat less. Discipline, sure, but that's hardly a product of no free time
/r/PurplePillDebate28/06/22 04:07 PM
–

Or at least provide a referral. I got mine done at 23, childless, single, red state. And I went through a LOT of self-adovacy to get it done. It's definitely in the top 5 choices I've ever made in my life, ~20 years later. To not have to ever worry about the risk, loss, burden, sacrifice of pregnancy is a huge deal in my life and marriage. Hearing what other women go through is insane. I, of course, don't have All the answers to abortion, but if more people were able to get electively sterilized…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/06/22 12:53 PM
3

I gotcha. I hope you get what you need from your BF and in your relationship. Thanks for sharing your perspective and experience
/r/PurplePillDebate30/05/22 11:08 AM
3

Interesting - how long have you and each of these women been dating? In my understanding, I think that is an exception more than anything. Not to invalidate your experiences, of course. But overall, women's libidos and men's are different, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate30/05/22 10:44 AM
8

It's really odd to me when my women friends claim that their libido is as constantly high as their BFs/ husbands. It's so much more reactive, nuanced, affected by cycle, etc. And the women I know where that doesn't apply, are mostly swayed by validation of it all, not true libido. Yes, exceptions exist but so do trends
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/22 09:59 PM
19

Definitely true. I tried explaining this to some dude who hit on me years ago from work. I told him that I found him attractive, but that would I and will I are 2 different things. There's an abundance of men willing to fuck me at any point in the day/ week/ month, so it's not necessary that I fuck every dude I find attractive. He just didn't grasp why attraction was the end all for me. And I have dozens of those stories. The other thing, it's not like pizza for most women, where even if it's ba…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/22 09:56 PM
1

Yep! I have that friend, too. It is unsettling to watch them dance around it without ever acknowledging their part in who they choose to date or fuck. Bonus points if it's "all men are assholes" or "all women are manipulative" after the fact
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/22 04:29 PM
2

Right?! Like, it's maddening when they yammer on and on about "what happened to them" as if who you date is like your hair color or something totally nonelective. Of course, I don't mean true systemic abuse, but the wo/men I know IRL with a slew of bad exes, weren't in abusive relationships. So after years, you either continually chose that or they turned horrid while dating you. Either way, holy red flags, batman Bonus points if their new BF/GF of a few months is "perfect, we never fight, sex i…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/22 04:16 PM
3

Totally agree. Men and women do it and it just reeks of desperation. My BIL was dating a lady after a divorce and realized he wasn't quite ready, so he broke it off. She, by her own admission, tried to "talk him into" committing by pushing HARD to move in, etc. Like, lady, whoa.... Have some self respect! You can do better than convincing someone that's just not that into you.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/22 01:29 PM
2

Agreed. I'm married now but when I was dating, I had lots of fun. I think because 1- I didn't try to shoehorn every person into a serious relationship, and 2- I have a good sense of self and worth and had no issue breaking up when it was the best thing. I also offer that which I seek (fit, financially grounded, don't want or have kids, etc) so I never ran into the slew of "manipulative assholes only after sex" that so many of my single friends seem to choose, repeatedly
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/22 01:19 PM
1

Less money and power for mothers, not women overall. Being disabled is not comparable to the elective choice to have kids, at all. Opting out of the workforce to travel, have kids, get a horse, or any elective reason of not working, results in less earnings - it's a choice that is made, not an inevitable punishment. I don't see it as an unfair inequality, but rather a result of a decision, but different worldviews result in different conclusions, for sure - thank you for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate26/04/22 03:59 PM
2

Women are not being "punished" for having children, but an earnings gap (different than a wage gap) is a known externality of opting out of working for months or years. And that's really only thing in the US with the way that our leave works, but it's not a punishment, it's a factor of having children
/r/PurplePillDebate26/04/22 03:54 PM
2

Which is weird because far more women are opting out than men. Maybe people are just generally seeing that parenthood is a huge gamble and might not be worth the many many negatives in modern times
/r/PurplePillDebate26/04/22 03:15 PM
1

Absolutely. 35+ is geriatric pregnancy, according to medical professionals, and to the protest of many couples trying to have it all, and not having their first kid till 30+. Though, as more and more women are opting out of parenthood, it's interesting to see this shift. If there's no rush to have babies, there's very little rush in other realms. And more women are realizing that the vast majority of the sacrifice, unseen labor, burden, loss of identity, financial compromise is on women, even in…
/r/PurplePillDebate26/04/22 03:11 PM
5

I wish it weren't so un-PC to acknowledge, that 35+ is geriatric pregnancy, according to medical professionals. Yes, Beyonce and my cousin's neighbors dog walker had a baby at 38 or 40 or whatever, but that's not the norm, and comes with many risks. There's this lie that we are sold that we have tons of time for every avenue in life, but the reality is that biology is stacked against us. Pregnancy is no friend to the female form in the best case scenario, but waiting a ton of time heightens thos…
/r/PurplePillDebate26/04/22 03:00 PM
14

Gawd yes. Compromise sure is easier on a foundation of compatibility... Deciding what color to paint a room is so different than disparate ideas of where and how to live. All the "relationships take work!" couples I know, who had no foundational stuff in common, are either divorced or on a constant uphill roll
/r/PurplePillDebate22/04/22 11:28 PM
44

Seeing as money is cited in the top 4 reasons for divorce, yeah, nah. I did well for myself in college and my 20's, and it required sacrifice and discipline, and now my 40's are awesome. It was one of my dealbreakers when I was dating (easier for a woman, sure, but also weeded me out as a golddigger for my husband), and I'm glad I stuck to it. Debt is a massive hindrance in life and taking on someone else's is very risky
/r/PurplePillDebate22/04/22 11:25 PM
27

Same. I absolutely loathe dog culture and 99% of dog owners. I grew up on a rural farming type of area where dogs are outside and did work. People bringing dogs to bars, comparing them to children, and catering their lives to them is beyond batshit insane to me. I can't do it, except maybe a farm dog owner, but that's a tough maybe
/r/PurplePillDebate22/04/22 11:20 PM
2

They see me pig out or snack one time and decide that I can eat whatever I want and stay thin. Like, nah, you don't see me up at 5 to workout, park far away always, walk 90% of my lunch breaks, meal prep easy and healthy meals for 13 of my 14 weekly meals. But yeah, me eating pizza once means that it is the norm all the time, Shanna.
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/22 03:10 PM
3

Nope. I wake up early daily to exercise, watch what I eat but not too compulsively, meal prep and eat cheap/healthy, walk during lunch.... But tell me more about how it's luck that I can eat whatever I want whereas they look at a cookie and gain weight. Maddening to be dismissed so frequently
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/22 02:34 PM
8

And too many people think that it's just inevitable. I am 42f and fit, and people act like it's dumb luck or metabolism or that they could never do XYZ to stay fit because of reasons. It's a hard thing to navigate when people bring it up
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/22 02:32 PM
1

I'm 42f, thin, and pretty fit. It's maddening how many people do the "just you wait till XYZ happens, you'll balloon up like the rest of us!" Nope, married, desk job, not young, and all the other things I passed where I supposed to just be content to be fat and frumpy and achey all the time. So now it's "you're so lucky" type of comments from people who don't see my 15-20K steps per day, waking up early to exercise, meal prepping (for super cheap). There's this idea that getting fat just happens…
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/22 02:27 PM
3

And height. I'm 6'f and 145#. I am not fat and am reasonably fit. If I were 5'5" and this weight, it's a different situation
/r/PurplePillDebate17/03/22 02:23 PM
1

And while abuse definitely exists, IME, a lot of these "toxic" or "abusive" exes are, simply, a bad match that they stayed dating too long and came to resent. I have acquaintances who have described things as abusive behavior that most certainly were not. But I guess it makes it easier to explain to themselves
/r/PurplePillDebate27/02/22 11:56 AM
2

Exceptions definitely exist but so do trends and the 96% of the curve. To say that ones past, overall and with exception, doesn't affect their trajectory, for men and women, is ridiculously naive thinking
/r/PurplePillDebate07/02/22 11:53 AM
-2

Why do you need a different title than girlfriend? Does partner lend more real or perceived permanence to your dating relationship? For me, wife is a lot more outwardly real than girlfriend, and the people who insist on partner vs GF, imo, are acknowledging that titles matter
/r/PurplePillDebate03/02/22 02:56 AM
3

I see this a lot with "toxic" exes. I get that hindsight is 20/20 and all, and hopefully people learn and grow and evolve. But it definitely seems to be a pattern ime, that the person doesn't acknowledge that they, well, chose that. Not including true systemic abuse, of course. But too many people I know who end a relationship don't seem to take ownership of the fact that they were acting as a rehab for a broken person, or who talked themselves into a situation that was a bad fit. My roommate is…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/01/22 02:43 AM
3

And yet, far too few take accountability for what they are offering and choosing in dating. When a relationship ends, it seems like suddenly, he was a manipulative asshole, or she was a controlling shrew. And yet ... You either chose that for 5 years or turned him/her into that. "You deserve so much better!" is the warcry, especially in the women's groups that I am in IRL without any introspection or willingness to own these perpetually bad relationships
/r/PurplePillDebate17/01/22 02:20 AM
3

I don't trust women whose goal it is to be a housewife/ SAHM. Because, anecdotally, all the ones I know who nab a guy who will provide and have no issue with them not having any external goals... are total martyrs about it. There's a bizarre mindset where they seem to want equal rights but special treatment. It's no wonder to me that more and more men are opting out of this traditional arrangement
/r/PurplePillDebate17/01/22 02:17 AM
14

Like attracts like, indeed! And leagues exist. All of the wo/men know who have 0 luck in dating are pinching way above their weight. Well, not literally, because most of the ones with sky-high demands are overweight, and other drawbacks that they are seeking but don't offer. You want a fit, social, smart yet submissive GF but play DnD 30 hours/ week and don't take care of your hygiene, and are too 'introverted' to order at subway? Get real. You want a $100K, attentive, masculine BF but have load…
/r/PurplePillDebate17/01/22 02:06 AM
25

It's a weird thing that happens, each time. "Sorry that happened to you" seems to be the warcry after each time these women dump a jerk. The accountability is not great, in my experience
/r/PurplePillDebate01/01/22 03:16 PM
16

Thing is, for healthy and well adjusted people, you don't need it to be advertised. Reddit has a hard-on for how people treat servers, and there might be a good reason for that. Of all the women I know who dated a slew of "manipulative assholes," there were signs, big bright red ones. And they didn't look closely enough, and when they got burned, the warcry of "I'm sorry that happened to you" came from every direction without any of the opposite: "I'm sorry you dated him for so long, I hope you …
/r/PurplePillDebate01/01/22 03:14 PM
1

That's been my observation, too. Overall, and with exceptions and blablabla, women come to resent their NSA partner for 'treating them like a piece of meat.' On either side, I've never really known an arrangement like that to work out without some ill-aligned expectations
/r/PurplePillDebate31/12/21 05:31 PM
5

You touched on my observation IRL: tingles. For women, attraction and arousal are not the same thing. I can find you attractive, and not want to fuck you. For men, the two are the same. Men and women have different sex drives. Women's, IME, is far more varied, reactive, and affected by our connection with our partner/ life things. Women who deny this, ime, are almost always offbase
/r/PurplePillDebate27/12/21 09:24 PM
12

I wish more people were realistic about this. As a thin, and fairly fit, woman who can do basic arithmetic... Hell on earth is the first few weeks of the year for me. Listening to people yammer on about what they need to eat more of to lose weight. Or their "one weird trick/ shake/ exercise routine" that they will lose 30# with. Meanwhile, I eat dessert a lot and exercise a lot and gorge sometimes and manage to be thin, and have to hear the endless parade of "you're so lucky!" comments. It's bet…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/12/21 09:13 PM
1

That's what my husband says too. We are both aligned about money and its place in our life and standard of living. He wouldn't have married someone without upward mobility and professional ambition. Seeing as money is always cited in the top reasons for divorce, you can't feasibly marry someone whose lifegoal includes sole reliance on the man's income, and then be surprised when she is unable to contribute logistically/ financially to the marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate24/12/21 07:42 PM
1

Do you specifically seek out women whose only goal is to have kids and stay home with them?
/r/PurplePillDebate24/12/21 07:39 PM
1

Except, I'd caution, unless you're very religious and conventional and women you date don't have goals besides having kids.... That cleaning and being a SAHM for most women, is a red flag. I'm biased because I'm pretty professionally ambitious, but in my experience, women who want that life as a goal (very often with little to make it appealing, like happily cooking all meals from scratch, staying fit, etc; most of the ones I know whine about how hard it is)... Run. The women I know who 'aspire'…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/12/21 07:37 PM
3

And the not PC reality: being a healthy weight can make most "below average" wo/men at least average, often above. So many people in the US are overweight that being thin sways your attractiveness considerably
/r/PurplePillDebate21/12/21 08:21 PM
6

So you choose a loser, albeit a pretty one, don't know something about her that seems tough to conceal, call her names, and then bemoan the ending being her fault? When you, ya know, dated this "entitled bitch?" even though you're self-made wealthy and confident? Yikes. That sounds like a terrible selection process, I hope you rid yourself of some of the mindsets that got you there
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 06:24 PM
1

Ah, different location and experience, for sure. That's not true where I'm from. Either way, I hope it works out for you guys if the dating relationship dissolves. Cheers
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 06:16 PM
1

Well wishes to you and your girlfriend, I hope you have the protections in place for such a huge undertaking without any legal or formal protection!
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 06:00 PM
1

Are you guys going to commit through marriage or just keep dating? In my experience, women who are content to date and live together without formal commitment have a very different take than women who are more marriage-minded. Anecdotal, of course, but dating and marriage are different pairbonds according to nearly every social structure
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 05:05 PM
4

Nor do they act it out. They move in with their boyfriend with no plans for commitment, until their friends start getting married, so they push for a proposal, sleepwalk into marriage, and then "grow apart" and divorce after 2-5 years. At least that's been my anecdotal observation in all the couples I know where the woman described her BF that way, yet neither were truly serious about committing to their BF/GF
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 05:00 PM
1

So is she interested in the formal commitment of marriage? Or content to be a live-in girlfriend for the foreseeable future? Or did you guys have a timeline for commitment before you moved in together? I think I'm the last of the 30/40 somethings that isn't okay with cohabitation without commitment, so my POV differs. But living together for years is not the same as marriage, so curious about couples like you guys with a timeline and all
/r/PurplePillDebate20/12/21 04:56 PM
1

Pretty lucky indeed that she found that with 3 kids. Not a lot of men who have those traits are willing to take on someone else's kids and the baggage that comes with it, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate19/12/21 02:48 AM
2

I'm a woman who married a bit older, at 30, to a guy who was 31. I had a lot more upward mobility and education, but he had more money and resources. We're now fairly equal in terms of income and money and houses, but I don't see how people wouldn't sign a prenup if they married when financially established. It's batshit to me and I've known more than a few people get screwed financially in divorce - which no one likes to think about, but marriages end all the time, and it shows overly emotional…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/12/21 02:46 AM
1

Your edit is valid for you, ofc. But over time, I find that having that in common is really important. You can only "respect differences" so much until they affect nearly every facet of life, your friends, your charitable contributions, your approach to solving marital woes. At least, in all the happy marriages I know of, the couple has the big stuff in common, and religion/ lifestyle is definitely a big thing
/r/PurplePillDebate19/12/21 02:34 AM
4

It's funny how people vary so much. I'm pretty tightly wound, a but neurotic, and a type A. As is my husband. And I never realized how nice it is to have aligning energies till I met him. Oddly, we calm each other down, but being able to be myself, high strung and all, is very nice because we are in sync with plans/ travel/ life/ career/ time off. But I get how both of us would be very off-putting to a different type of energy
/r/PurplePillDebate19/12/21 02:29 AM
3

Except that, if you were financially dependent on her and married with kids, it might not be so simple to 'just leave.' One reason of many that it's risky and dangerous for anyone to rely on a spouse electively
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/21 07:51 PM
3

Many? Definitely not any type of majority or even close to half. One reason of many that women are opting out of parenthood in record numbers. IME, men drastically underestimate how underwhelming, boring, tedious, thankless it can be to not work. Work definitely provides a nod to people that staying home does not
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/21 07:48 PM
1

Well the US has ties to it's very puritanical background. They might be seeped in religious history, but that doesn't mean they don't have broader cultural implications nowadays
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/21 08:54 PM
2

Sounds like you have a lot of reservations about it, which is valid if you have anything at all to worry about losing in 'divorce rape.' hopefully you find a partner that is content to be a forever girlfriend if you want a LTR
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/21 03:21 PM
4

Marriage is far more than a religious structure. There are countless tangible and implied benefits in marriage that don't exist in dating. Plus the many financial, logistical, cultural, professional, social, medical benefits that don't exist in dating or living together. And opting out doesn't erase its cultural importance
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/21 12:03 PM
3

Same. A group of, say, 3 guys walking down the street is a lot different than 3 guys and a woman who looks like she's there willingly and easily. I'd like to say no to the romantic part, but, in my lizard brain it is not that way, always. A very pretty woman was talking to my husband at a bar (perfectly appropriate, from both, just shooting the breeze with a stranger ordering a drink) and a little part of me thought he looked particularly hot that night
/r/PurplePillDebate01/11/21 09:26 PM
2

Talking about feelings is not the same as a mental/ personality disorder. Not even close.
/r/PurplePillDebate01/11/21 06:14 PM
1

Same. And I can't really articulate that irl without sounding like a jerk. But I don't want to deal with q medicated partner, or worse, unmedicated. And.... Hot take... I know way too many people who just use their mental illness as a scapegoat. Constantly late? Don't do chores? Forgot my birthday? Oh, yeah, it's the ADHD, and you can never argue with that or be annoyed or point out that it affects others. I have had roommates and friends with ADHD/ depression/ OCD, and it was just beyond my pay…
/r/PurplePillDebate01/11/21 03:59 PM
4

That's a good point. I do care about count, but attitude on women/ women's pleasure counts for a lot too
/r/PurplePillDebate31/10/21 01:13 AM
2

Sure, for my own dating life and romantic standards. I'm not saying they are worth less as a person, or can't change their views/ behaviors or anything, but everyone can- and should- judge their partner as a litmus test for compatibility. And far too many people don't, then try to compromise or talk themselves into something that fundamentally won't work.
/r/PurplePillDebate31/10/21 01:10 AM
1

Not at face value. But people way over use, and incorrectly use, the term "introvert," imo. It's off-putting when people act like being too nervous to make a phone call or too awkward to order at subway or above smalltalk at a party, is introverted. Or that they are somehow smarter or deeper because of it.
/r/PurplePillDebate31/10/21 01:06 AM
3

I mean, it is? Sex is thought to be finished when the man cums. Have you ever heard of a hook-up being just cunnilingus? I haven't, but I've heard of it being just a blowjob. All the women I know who have had lots of casual sex have said that their casual partners rarely prioritize their pleasure. For this and many reasons, I think that women who hump lots of strangers, are doing it for validation reasons, not sexual pleasure ones
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 09:34 PM
5

I'm a venter/ complainer, married to a man. And the thing is, that I'd never tell him, is he might not realize just how much he does, in fact, vent. Because I solve things by talking about them (read: complaining without a solution as the immediate goal), I do the same when other people vent. My male spouse included. So he does his fair share of baseless venting, he just isn't as aware of it when I just listen, as I am when he has to be told to just listen
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 02:33 PM
1

This is perfect, imo. As a woman who is also a complainer and not a crier, I solve things by talking about them. And it's one of the disconnects that I don't ever think men and women will (overall) align on, is that women are more vocal and vent-y. It's taken years for my husband and I to understand that about each other: that when I'm emotional (especially if I'm being irrational, which, truthfully, happens about, oh, every 28-30 days or so), I just need to be listened to, and validated.
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 02:30 PM
19

Lots. If you meet a rando somewhere and hooking up just happens organically, that's one thing. But, IME, wo/men that are constantly and consistently looking for fuck buddies tend to be more vain, have poor impulse control, don't tend to have the best future planning, have ill-aligned expectations for commitment, choose douchebags then wonder why they behave jerk-ily
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 12:59 PM
18

Yep. I do. Because hookup culture is insanely male-centric, among many issues with it. And sleeping around, IME, always indicates some hysterical bonding, low self-esteem, problematic attachment, and other behaviors and mindsets that are indicative of emotional/ intellectual deficiencies
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 12:47 PM
4

My husband, too. He has solid financial goals, owned multiple properties when we met, and wants to retire early. He wanted, and married, a partner with similar views on money and the ability to support that lifestyle. Having a partner who doesn't work, IME from what I've seen, is a financial/ intellectual/ logistical risk and not one either of us would have settled for
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/21 01:04 AM
1

That's not an "other than," imo, that's a huge deal. Besides THAT, Mrs Lincoln, how was the play? Dying sooner in your kids life, risks with career trajectory, acclimated already to DINK life. I don't envy people who want kids, there doesn't seem like any one good time
/r/PurplePillDebate28/10/21 11:50 PM
2

Same people who help everyone: no one guaranteed. Having kids is not insurance for care in old age, and part of the appeal of opting out is that you can plan a bit more on these things
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 03:30 PM
2

Which is it: at least one more, or one more and that's it? I dont know the specifics of your situation or marriage, but the fact that you're married and planning your children is leaps and bounds beyond the circumstances of many births. Plenty of people still have/ want kids, and I don't personally see the issue with a small percentage of people opting out, even though it tends to be people who could afford- logistically and financially- to soundly raise kids
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 03:27 PM
7

And older parents, too. At least in my social circle. I know it's not PC or whatever, but there are real drawbacks to having a kid at 35+. And yet, many people aren't prepared before then. So they have their one-and-done baby at 37, and I think we will see a lot of externalities from only children born to older parents in the coming years
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 03:15 PM
14

Its not just about having and raising them, and cost/ burden associated with it. As women have options, they have fewer children. I could easily afford kids, I just don't want them for various reasons. And all the upwardly mobile women I know are (mostly) saying the same. To truly get birth rates up, there would need to be a pull for people to do so, and many people are seeing that it's just not necessary or desirable in a world where so much else is possible - fewer options leads to more childr…
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 03:12 PM
5

That's been my observation at 41, now, too. Pretty much all of them had a panic baby at ~35+, and only one. So lots of older parents having only children which will cause its own set of issues. The only people I truly believe to be absolutely childfree opted to permanently remove the option. At least that has been the anecdotal trend in my social circle
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 01:48 AM
8

I'm a woman and got my tubes tied at 23, childless, single, red state. I had to advocate for myself pretty hard but it's doable. Or maybe it's abundantly clear that I shouldn't reproduce, who knows. But even in the very litigious US, it's not impossible
/r/PurplePillDebate26/10/21 01:40 AM
2

Same. Grew up in a big family with a few artsy types so just always deferred to their taste and never cultivated my own. I know some of the classics but not a huge movie or music person at all. Good road trip buddy, though, because I let everyone else listen to whatever
/r/PurplePillDebate23/10/21 01:14 AM
1

The physical compatibility is nice! I don't get 5'1" ladies who insist on a guy 6'+, at all. I've only met one guy a solid 12" taller than me (an NBA player, in person at a bar by chance) and it was weird to be dwarfed, so it's a foreign concept to me. I hope you find your giantess!
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/21 01:10 AM
1

Taller than me, too. And I'm 6'f. Yes, it cuts my dating options by a lot, but I'd rather be single than with someone I'm not attracted to
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/21 05:07 PM
1

I'd go with curvy, good. Hardly anyone I know who describes themselves that way is actually curvy, it's now just a synonym for overweight, IME. I have 0 attraction to overweight people, and have been shamed quite a bit for that preference
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/21 05:05 PM
4

Oh, completely agree. I wouldn't recommend it unless it was a definite known ahead of time. Just that I'm not really fancy and dressing up too much for a first date would put me off
/r/PurplePillDebate19/10/21 11:47 AM
3

Which is where my ideal date would be - shooting range, sporting event, something active. So I think that it'd be fine to wear a t-shirt and jeans, or even athleisure. Many of my art-gallery-and-wine friends would disagree. My fancy friends would be horrified. Like most things, read the room, know your audience and location, and dress appropriately for that stuff in mind.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/10/21 10:53 AM
1

Sure on the little things you can/ should gamble. I like Indian, they prefer Mediterranean; I like shoes, he likes movies; she wants green walls, I prefer beige. Stuff like that is where you should compromise, but too many people take that to mean that you should try to "Power through" issues like, oh, kids/ money/ politics/ family/ lifestyle/ values
/r/PurplePillDebate19/10/21 10:48 AM
3

Indeed. And I think those things are evident really really soon. But too many people try to talk themselves into something/ someone because opposites can be really exciting at the start. I'm a red-blooded gun nut obsessed with sports, and went on a single date with this pacifist bleeding heart who thought football was the patriarchal violence, embodied. He didn't understand why I declined a second date because "didn't I believe in compromise..." Like, no, dude, compromise only works on a foundat…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/10/21 10:46 AM
7

That's been my experience, too, but I also don't want kids. And I think that's the difference of "the wall". I got married at 30, so a bit older than average, and had 0 issues finding a quality guy. But I'm also not fat, financially stable, and take care of myself. Like most things, there's a kernel of truth that it gets harder as you age, but you can stack the deck in your favor
/r/PurplePillDebate19/10/21 10:36 AM
1

Yeah, same. I'm not RP, just a married woman. Some of our best talks and feelings of closeness are after sex. So I will very often have (good, never ever pity) sex when I'm feeling disconnected. And a slew of other differences in drive, reaction, seduction, satisfaction, emotion, attention between us and all straight couples I know
/r/PurplePillDebate16/10/21 06:24 PM
6

Same. I think the idea that, long term and consistently, women's drive is as high, is deluded. PMS, emotional state, and so many factors can make me go from 60 to 0. I love sex, but good sex, which is far more nuanced for women than men. My drive is also reactive, so if I'm not seduced or feeling sexual, I won't want to have sex. Finally, it's also very much... Buildable? Idk the word but the more I'm having, the more I want it, and same the other way. So one good pounding can get me and my husb…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/10/21 06:22 PM
1

I agree, definitely. But the issue is when people try to look past their standards and talk themselves into something that's not a good fit. And while being single is not as bad as being in a bad relationship, that can be a tall order when you're 35+ and want kids. There's a certain pressure that comes with wanting kids that can make it seem better to settle for many
/r/PurplePillDebate10/10/21 11:07 AM
5

And that's the point: it needs to change. I can't change men as a whole (wouldn't want to, they aren't a monolith, etc) but I can start with men closest to me. My BIL is living with us right now, and he is my go-to example of a lot of this. He got divorced and is dating at 35+. He's upwardly mobile, fit, dresses well, and a little bitter at women right now So when we talk about life, I'm just sure to mention that hey, you don't have to date fat single moms, or entitled women. No, not all women a…
/r/PurplePillDebate10/10/21 11:04 AM
2

Wat? No? Not at all. I'm saying there's bigger implications than just to the individual, but I am so grateful that I, and other educated women I know, have the autonomy to have the lives we want
/r/PurplePillDebate10/10/21 09:48 AM
16

When women have options, they have fewer children. I'm one of them, and yet, somehow, I see how people like me opting out of parenthood (stable marriage, good income/savings), will create some really bad effects for labor pools, retirement, etc. I can't change a whole society solely by having kids, but the more women who opt out, there will be a lot of factors in the coming years
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/21 08:27 PM
1

Right. That's why I mentioned the elective parts of attractiveness. Its not a static thing. And while I agree that sometimes genetics just fuck people, I also find that a lot of people don't acknowledge how much they can help their own case
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/21 10:56 AM
0

Because attraction, especially for women, isn't a static thing. If your spouse gains a ton of weight or quits contributing to the household or disparages you in front of others, that can certainly affect attraction in a decades-long marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate08/10/21 10:31 PM
1

Not entirely sad, for the elective parts of attractiveness. Weight, posture, demeanor, clothes that fit, and many other elective things can affect how attractive someone is, and I think it's not necessarily sad to view those things more favorably
/r/PurplePillDebate08/10/21 10:26 PM
3

That's been my observation, too. A lot goes into why that is, and why it's possible, ofc. But it's been my experience that fat single moms often have the highest demands for dating. And 95% of fat people don't acknowledge how much their SMV would skyrocket with "this one weird trick." Being a healthy weight is the simplest thing anyone can do to improve their appearance
/r/PurplePillDebate03/10/21 10:49 AM
3

You must not have any fat female friends, but the ones that I know express this all. the. time. How it's unfair and shallow and they can't get a guy interested in anything beyond casual sex, while rarely doing anything to better their situation
/r/PurplePillDebate02/10/21 10:13 PM
2

Seeing as money is cited in the top 4 reasons for divorce, always, it baffles me that some women are content to be completely reliant on a partner for every part of life. Layoffs, divorce, death, abuse all happen, and to just not built skills or savings for years is so scary to me. I know it is a valid choice for some families, but I wince every time one of my otherwise successful, stable friends opts out of any independence to make PB&J's all day
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 12:17 PM
2

Not to mention the very real shackle of expectation that comes with total reliance on a spouse.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 11:11 AM
3

So being a SAHM without "help" means that one can't have friends or hobbies? Staying home with kids all day has many drawbacks, but its almost always a privilege that affords her extra time that working moms don't have.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 10:53 AM
2

Gawd no. Of my own, anyway. I was a full-time, live in nanny for 5. Sure, it's thankless, tedious, boring, repetitive, lonely. But taking care of one's own kids all day, with very very few external demands, is not really the same as working and raising kids
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 10:50 AM
3

But also choose a lot of shit. The number of women who reproduce with men who don't "help around the house, can't vacuum, don't cook," as if it's a cutesy thing is astounding. And many people don't acknowledge the harsh reality: you can't truly be equal to someone you're dependent on. So choosing not to work might be the couples choice, but choices aren't made in a vacuum and when you're reliant on someone, you do become beholden to them
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 10:44 AM
2

IME, because it happens slowly. Some women don't want to accomplish much besides being a SAHM, without fully recognizing what total dependence on a man entails. Resentment builds when they realize their full time "job" is house and kid stuff, and that money really does matter, so the one with the job largely dictates the big picture stuff. Many women enter it thinking it'll be a lot more equal than it could ever be, but you can't truly be equal if you're dependent, but that comes to light much l…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/21 10:41 AM
1

Even then, though, all the men I know dating in their league, who offer that which they seek, have had good relationships and found women who treat them well. Not 100% of the time, but more often than not. I just wonder if my experience, or this subs, is the norm
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/21 10:30 AM
0

Is it? I hear this, and have never experienced it. I've always had an easy time finding solid, grounded, healthy men who wanted to date me. I'm not fat, and don't have more baggage than an airport carousel, and was off the market by 30, but before then, I guess I don't see why so many people have such deep dating problems
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/21 10:20 AM
1

My BIL is personifying this right now. Dated a lady for about a year (3 months after a divorce), never ever gave false hope about living together yet she pushed and asked frequently, very little time or effort into birthdays or holidays, was upfront about not being super serious.... Broke up with her even! And... She's trying to "convince" him. Told me and anyone who would listen, in their first 3 months, that they were definitely going to move in together and get married. And now, after he dump…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/21 10:17 AM
3

Sure, 30 might be ideal, absolutely. But if you want higher than a bachelor's, that's pushing it pretty close in terms of working a few years, meeting someone, getting married, and banking on getting pregnant easily. Not all women are so lucky. And as more women wait till 35+, there will be a lot of unseen factors as those kids grow up. It sometimes seems as though the women I know who married right after college, had a kid, and didn't do/ want much else have the easiest time figuring it all out…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/09/21 07:21 PM
3

The single biggest thing seems to be whether a couple wants kids or not. Meeting at 35 when you're happily childless and not looking to change that, is a lot different than meeting at 35 when you're in a rush to have a baby. So while it's never too late, for sure, I think there is definitely a too late to have it all
/r/PurplePillDebate12/09/21 12:12 PM
12

I agree with you, fully. I'd even extend that to my 40's, which are starting out so spectacularly awesome, stable, happy, healthy. But I put a lot into living in ways that don't make it inevitable that I'm miserable and achy by 45. That said, yes about your 30's. Buuutttt .... That might not be true for people who want kids. It seems like a lot to shoehorn into a decade for people who want kids. I don't envy that, one bit. But for women who want kids, it can be a non-option to try to have it all…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/09/21 11:08 AM
1

I don't know the specifics, TBH. But I think that, in women, larger hips and a smaller waist and all the markers of fertility go into what we (overall, and with exception) think of as attractive
/r/PurplePillDebate07/09/21 01:17 AM
4

Your 5th point, coupled with food considerations, is so so overlooked, imo! Food and sleep are huge considerations, and can lead to some very interesting disconnects. I'm your dreaded "early riser" - up by 4-430 daily, probably a throwback from a farming upbringing. Its definitely caused tension and issues in all kinds of relationships. As has my intolerance of picky eating. Funny how the "little things" can add up so much
/r/PurplePillDebate06/09/21 06:48 PM
2

But also has objective components. Slender (increasingly rare, and yet the most elective and simple thing anyone can do for their attractiveness), facial symmetry, facial clarity, etc., And all the other things that we've found as a decently close objective measure of attractiveness
/r/PurplePillDebate06/09/21 06:44 PM
2

Sure. Marriage isn't compulsory. And if you and your GF/BF are content to date for years without formal commitment, it's a fine choice that many couples make. But just because something is antiquated doesn't nullify its presence
/r/PurplePillDebate02/09/21 12:14 PM
3

Marriage grants over 1,000 protections that dating/ living together do not, at least in the US. Plus the many logistical, social, cultural, familial, professional benefits. To opt out is valid if both partners want that, but to equate dating to marriage doesn't just eliminate the overall idea that (for most cultures, families, and institutions) marriage implies a permanence that dating goes not
/r/PurplePillDebate02/09/21 01:16 AM
3

Marriage, with solid grounded partners, can be a marvelous thing. In mine, our views are aligned enough that we have an amazing partnership, and I think my husband would say the same. But I've worked really hard to be a partner that contributes to fitness, finances, etc That said, I wouldn't do it without a prenup and a LOT of deliberation, especially if I were a man
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 08:42 PM
8

Except that many 25 year old women are Peter Panning throughout their 20's these days and not looking to date with the goal of commitment. I truly feel for 20/30/40 somethings in the dating realm right now, it seems rough
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 12:40 PM
12

Agreed. I'm 41f, and it's pretty interesting who, among my single friends, is grounded in reality and not. The single biggest difference is being overweight. Women who have taken care of themselves can still be decently picky, especially depending on if they don't want kids. The overweight/ single moms are pretty off base about what dating will actually look like for them
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 12:25 PM
10

That's because of the princess complex that has told women since we were 5 that we're special, deserve a great man (regardless of what we actually offer, which is why so many fat single moms wonder where all the good men are), can do anything (from being professionally ambitious, or relying on a man to be a sahm), and if anyone says otherwise it's because they don't deserve us. Its hindered me quite a bit until I realized that I'm pretty average
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 12:17 PM
8

Which is what questions and discussions can usually help with. You're right, I don't understand male perspective.
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 12:07 PM
19

Absolutely, ime. Attraction and arousal are not the same thing for women, and so, contrary to popular belief, the familiarity of living together is terrible for sex drives. Women's drive wanes, men start putting in less effort, and round it goes. Women can't go from 0-60 like men, and men don't always grasp that. At least that's been my experience in talking to my married friends
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 12:04 PM
4

Interesting, to come to a sub to deliberately discuss questions that you're sick of. But thanks for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 11:50 AM
-1

Are they dating in their league? In what ways are they struggling?
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/21 11:01 AM
3

IME, this is probably the biggest hindrance to sex being and staying good throughout the years. Letting yourself go is not attractive, you won't feel your best, and down it goes (but not in the good way). When my husband and I made time for fitness, literally all parts of our relationship improved - stamina, flirting while playing ball, friendly competition, sweaty sessions, energy levels, effort.... People who think that marriage just means getting fat and frumpy and lonely, IME, are living in …
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/21 01:25 AM
2

With so many couples living together before marriage, I guess I've had a different observation, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/21 03:43 PM
3

Indeed. A friend of mine is dating a guy who doesn't seem to put effort in, at all. She recently moved and he's been to her new place like twice, and only because she asked and made a thing out of it. Before, she was seeing him at his place and all the planning that entailed. He is recently divorced and, after a year of dating, is still "not ready" to talk about moving in, or anything serious really. I don't get it. Oh, and the guy? Yeah, he's my BIL and roommate, so I've known him longer and he…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/21 01:10 PM
6

Why are women marrying/ living with men like this?! I had no idea how many women feel this way till I got married. My husband is an awesome roommate, and I cannot relate at all. Peter Pan Syndrome? Low standards? I cringe each time my women friends talk about feeling like their male SO is so domestically useless, like... Why oh why did you settle for that?!
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/21 01:06 PM
3

Huh. Maybe so. But I also don't know anyone who would literally kill for a shot with any woman. So I'm guessing our standards and social circle is very different. I'm glad it worked for you, and I am grateful that I evidently know solid people who offer that which they seek in a partner
/r/PurplePillDebate26/07/21 03:29 PM
3

I guess I've seen a different thing unfold IRL. Both men and women, in my experience, who are dating in their league, have found a compatible SO. The wo/men I know who are too "introverted" to date online or in the 3D world, however, had a harder time. Most people are just unhinged about their actual dating league. Just my experience, ofc, but it's interesting to me to hear how much trouble people seem to have in dating
/r/PurplePillDebate26/07/21 02:30 PM
8

I agree, mostly. It's an odd blend of low self-esteem and standards (ie accepting hookup culture), but alarmingly misguided expectations for a provider. It's laughable when an overweight woman, who offers very little, expects a life provided for her. And I've seen it so many times IRL
/r/PurplePillDebate26/07/21 12:21 PM
5

I 100% agree and relate. I don't expect anything that I don't offer, including being fit, and financially stable/independent. Those are the ones that so many men don't seem to have, but there's others. And when men are an average gamer that's too "introverted" (a term used pretty exclusively incorrectly, ime) to order at subway or attend a party, don't stay in shape, cripplingly nihilistic... Yet want a cute, fit, socially willing cook, it's a little off-putting to me. I think both genders, over…
/r/PurplePillDebate26/07/21 12:18 PM
4

Same. Especially because it ties into pretty all facets of life that I offer/ expect from a partner: being fit and thin, being financially responsible, ability to be disciplined, not viewing eating as a hobby.... That was a major plus when I met my now-husband, is that he aligns with me on food, what it represents in life, etc
/r/PurplePillDebate26/07/21 12:14 PM
1

I didn't mean to invalidate, I apologize. I was only conveying what I've seen from the men in my life. And the ones who aren't "dad bod" trying to date supermodels, and otherwise dating in their league, have had a reasonably easy time dating in our 30's (40's did get a bit trickier for sure, but mostly due to baggage)
/r/PurplePillDebate21/07/21 08:52 PM
1

So why was he able to relate to someone 10 years younger,? If there isn't an overt financial or other dynamic going on, I always wonder if wo/men who date people that much younger are stunted somehow or..?
/r/PurplePillDebate21/07/21 04:30 PM
4

Are you attempting to date women way out of your league or...? I don't get how that would work if your personality has reasonably evolved alongside your being
/r/PurplePillDebate21/07/21 04:27 PM
2

In the US, I have seen fewer than 5 women who are anywhere close to "too skinny" or classically anorexic. I think we've gotten so used to fat people that we are heavily skewed.
/r/PurplePillDebate21/07/21 04:25 PM
5

Yep. I'm 41f and know about 1-3 people my age (and I've lived in really fit coastal cities) that is also fit. And of those, one is a super duper fitness nut. It's astounding how much better I did in my 30's while dating versus my overweight friends, and yet people don't want to seek to acknowledge it. Being a healthy weight, and mildly fit, is the single biggest thing one can do for their attractiveness
/r/PurplePillDebate13/07/21 12:26 PM
0

Except that weight is 99% elective for most people, and IMO, the single biggest thing one can do to increase her attractiveness.
/r/PurplePillDebate13/07/21 12:19 PM
1

No. It doesn't, in itself. There is so much nuance to things, especially complicated ones like human attraction. A reply on reddit does not singularly explain why a socially awkward person is a virgin, especially without knowing anything about you IRL
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/21 03:54 PM
12

Sounds incredibly bitter on the surface, but the stats on who initiates divorce are clear. With so many women content to live together and forgo formal commitment, it's interesting to me that so many young men are still interested in marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate06/07/21 01:40 PM
11

That in itself is becoming a huge ask in dating: not overweight. Most Americans are, and it's happening earlier and earlier. The women I know who aren't fat have such an easier time in dating, it's both unreal and yet not at all surprising
/r/PurplePillDebate06/07/21 01:38 PM
3

I think we've gotten so used to everyone being fat that we can't even decipher it anymore. I'm 6'f, and 145#. Not fat, but .... Gained a few pounds that I'm working off. Because my body looks and feels best at 138-140#. Trying to talk about health when you're not fat, has earned me derision and mockery and dismissal. Because apparently, not wanting to be fat, and taking small corrective steps is offensive to those "actually struggling". I agree that obesity is far less plump than most people rec…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/06/21 10:52 AM
3

And if you're fat with a terrible lifestyle by ~25, the chances of getting healthy later on are far slimmer (heh). Not because of "my metabolism slowed" but because of lifestyle. My BIL is dating an overweight woman, 10 years his junior, he's pretty fit. He doesn't seem to grasp that, with her diet and tastes, she likely won't slim down, but he claims that he doesn't want to date fat women. Sigh
/r/PurplePillDebate30/06/21 10:46 AM
2

I can't say just "ew" without diving into the nuance. But, yeah, kinda. It's the most elective, reversible thing people can do to be (more) attractive. And yet, it seems like every fat woman my age, 40+, who is trying to date, will try makeup of sorts/ different clothes/ complex hair upkeep... Without ever acknowledging 'this one weird trick!' Being overweight vs not has been the complete difference in my social circles luck in online dating
/r/PurplePillDebate30/06/21 10:43 AM
3

She's perpetually dieting but still fat, educated formally but never really serious about any one job, changes jobs frequently, moves frequently, has lived with multiple past boyfriends, debt, cutesy addiction to red wine or something else... But turned xyz age and was suddenly ready to settle down. So she did, with the first guy willing to put up with all that
/r/PurplePillDebate29/06/21 12:04 PM
7

So you're not interested in... Humans? I'm not saying all our choices should be affected by others, but your social circle, and your SO's circle are definitely part of our collective lives and impact many facets of life. And if every single one of your friends sees a red flag, that might be a good thing to look at in a new relationship. But yes, if they are just being catty or don't want someone to be happy, that's different
/r/PurplePillDebate29/06/21 11:51 AM
1

I'm living with a guy, my BIL, who pretty recently divorced from a dynamic like this. She told him how lucky he was, blablabla. Spoiler: when you look down on someone you will eventually resent them. With her, I noticed the opposite, too, when they got engaged: a cutesy little schmoopy-lovey-kissy display about how in love they are. It was like she was trying to convince herself that she loved him or something. When that didn't work, the disdain rolled in
/r/PurplePillDebate29/06/21 11:48 AM
3

Being fat but constantly dieting, unwilling to initiate with the belief that the right guy will, maybe a kid or 2, cutesy addiction to red wine, no career trajectory but requires a high earner, lived with multiple men who are assholes, probably debt.... Women with all these traits seem to have laundry list of requirements in dating, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate25/06/21 01:34 AM
7

... Shorter than me. And I'm 6'. So that has eliminated a lot of guys over the years, but I'm athletic and met a lot of dudes in athletic settings and have literally never had any issue Fat. Too "fancy" (I'm a jeans a t-shirt type, often in athletic wear)
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/21 02:51 PM
1

Same. I don't drink. Not for any moral or health reasons, I just don't like the feeling and have only been tipsy 2-3 times. It's less of an issue at 40+, but it's still weird to me how many things revolve around drinking
/r/PurplePillDebate17/06/21 01:20 AM
3

I'm no feminist, but it makes sense to me. The vast majority of the burden of parenthood, even in otherwise equal relationships, is on women. So it makes sense to ensure that the proverbial ducks are in a row before she gives up her identity, job trajectory, body, and options to have kids early with a guy who may not be around
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 09:21 PM
4

Though, attractive can easily mean just "not fat and puts a tiny amount of effort in." But with so many overweight people, the metrics change significantly in modern dating
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 09:12 PM
2

He's. Just. Not. That. Into. You. So many women I know fall for the predicable lines of "I'm not ready" after years of dating, or talk themselves into it, or wait for a guy. I don't get it. I've always been super marriage minded, so I'm biased, but it's pathetic to watch women play house with a guy for years who has no intention of formally committing, or will need to be coerced into it
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 09:02 PM
3

And yet, more and more women are opting out of motherhood than ever before. That's not quite the deal breaker it once was
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 09:01 PM
6

Indeed. Yet I see way more men who just kinda sleepwalk into it with a woman they know, deep down, isn't their forever. Often under the guise of not being ready... Till they break up and marry the next woman relatively soon
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 09:00 PM
2

My BIL is living with us after a divorce at 33. He's now 36, and has been dating a younger woman for a year (they met like 2 weeks after he got all his shit from the state he was living in, and other red flags). He's doing this, just kinda sleepwalking into it and it's maddening. Like, at 35, dating a woman who wants more kids (she has one), he should know after a year, IMO, especially because she's very very very into him and marriage. She shouldn't wait much longer for him to "be ready," becau…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/06/21 08:58 PM
1

Men, and women, always have the right to feel jaded, for anything, real or perceived. The feelings of others really aren't my problem. Fwiw, I never did break my own rule in dating, but if I did, yes, that would be a reasonable reaction
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 05:47 PM
3

Many assumptions, just like everyone's. My experiences and assumptions and biases have led to my worldviews, like every person. But overall, I have observed that women who sleep around a ton almost always are doing so for reasons of validation and insecurities, rather than only because they physically crave sex from many people
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 04:46 PM
3

So it seems like you and I wouldn't be compatible in a dating scenario. So my approach would work perfectly! One of the reasons in waiting is to determine overall, not just sexual, compatibility. And I think (good, which I have always had) sex thwarts people's view on their partner, and I don't wish to mistake sexual compatibility for an overall match. Frankly, I think I have a lot to offer (which really means not fat, and stable these days), so I've never had trouble finding solid men, up to an…
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 12:48 PM
1

In a nutshell: validation from men. Women's libidos, overall, aren't as high as men's. Exceptions exist, but so do trends. So when a woman sleeps around a ton, it's almost always been, in my observation, more to do with getting approval from a guy. Especially in casual encounters where it's less physically pleasurable for women
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 10:53 AM
5

Have you not met women who have lots of sex for reasons besides a high libido? That, ime, is where the problematic behavior comes into play. And it's far more common than simply wanting/ enjoying sex
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 10:46 AM
24

I blame hookup culture for a lot of negative externalities around sex. Up to and including how (from what I hear from my women friends dating) it's not often orgasmic, or even good, for women. It's bizarre how many women are willing to have a juxtaposing set of behaviors where they both put out easily and early, but also have extremely high demands for dating
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 10:44 AM
8

I didn't ever have a rule, but I ended up waiting about 3-5 months when I was dating. What men don't understand, ime, is supply and demand. You're right: at any given time, even before cell phone/ OLD, I could get laid. Looking like a sloppy wreck, and with very little effort, even. But that doesn't mean it will be satisfying sex, nor does good sex mean compatibility. And the number of men who think that wanting to fuck me means that one-sided attraction is all it takes, is baffling. So no, guy …
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 10:41 AM
26

Not sure your age, but the high N count who are now reformed and 'looking for something serious' types are abundant at my age. Not saying they shouldn't try to find that which they seek, but I know far too many women who are 40+, myriad of baggage, overweight, bad lifestyle habits, who are now wanting to settle down with Mr. Right. It's tough to watch as they navigate the realities of dating vs what they have to offer
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/21 10:31 AM
1

Throw in wo/men with a BMI over a certain percentage, too. Since there's now growing evidence that shows a propensity in genetics to be fat.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/21 10:58 AM
2

This is what I don't get about women who will only date super tall men. At a certain point, it's a hindrance to have such varying heights. I'm 6'f, and have only ever felt truly dwarfed a handful of times in life, but I'm always confused when 5' women will only date 6' dudes... Like, isn't 5'5" in that case a perfect height difference?
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/21 10:56 AM
2

I'm 6'f and often wonder what the hell they were feeding us growing up. We're all massive humans, and I married another massive human. Watching our siblings, all 6'3"+ for the men, and 5'11"+ for the women is an interesting sight.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/21 10:54 AM
2

Exactly. People who think that getting fat and frumpy and lonely and boring at xyz age are usually living in ways that reinforce that
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/21 07:25 PM
1

Nah. I'm 41f, and it's really not that hard. I'm american, love junk food but moderate, eat overall healthy, walk and lift and play sports in moderate amounts. I'm not a fitness or health food but, at all, I just do small things that keep me trim and fit. Most people are just sedentary and used to shoveling food into their gullets like there's a cash prize at the end. The number of people who tell me I'm "lucky to be thin" is absurd
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/21 05:46 PM
2

Ding ding ding. That has been the precise difference in OLD for people I know, both men and women: weight. If you're overweight, you're going to have a harder time. I'm fit and trim, was once just thin, but have never been fat. And that was the entire difference in dating before I was married, and it seems like the fat women I know don't want to acknowledge that
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/21 10:31 AM
3

Except not too young. Many divorces are caused by the woman wanting to "go find herself" at some point or other. I know more than a few marriages that have ended that way. I'm not saying wait till she's sowed wild oats and settle, but couples that partner up/ marry very young tend not to last
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/21 10:24 AM
9

Kind of related: it's appalling to me how misused the word "introvert" is, and how so many people seem to wear it like a badge of honor that they think makes them deeper, more insightful, more intelligent. When really, ime, people who cling to that label are just people who cancel plans, refuse to leave their comfort zone, and think that it means 'socially stunted,' not 'charges alone'
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/21 10:20 AM
5

I wasn't trying to play the "who has it worse" game. Most threads in this sub can be simplified - thank you for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate30/05/21 09:30 PM
7

They don't know what it takes for women to be toned, either. Most people don't. I'm tall and lanky, and have put so so much work into getting toned where you can see and feel arm, leg, ab muscles. The amount of women who tell me how lucky I am, or that they don't lift because they don't want to be ripped is super irritating. It took me 6 hard months of consistent discipline to see definition in my arms, but yes, Cheryl, tell me again how situps make you look unfeminine
/r/PurplePillDebate30/05/21 09:00 PM
12

Same. And can't be too smiley. But also not too standoffish. Can't be ditzy, but also not 'smarter' than them. Can't be too vocal about a crush, but also not okay hard to get. Can't be conceited, but also look nice, but don't admit that it takes effort.... The balance I've had to strike in flirting for years has led me to believe that it's just easier to not be too complimentary if you're not actively involved with a guy
/r/PurplePillDebate30/05/21 08:48 PM
2

It's very very simple, and if you break physics by not losing weight by eating less than you burn, call NASA, they're going to want to study you. But simple =\= easy. There's a lot of emotional baggage with eating, and most people would rather try bizarre diets and fads and keep make excuses than lose weight for real
/r/PurplePillDebate26/05/21 10:58 AM
1

As one of the only fit 40-something women I know, it's really off-putting to watch this fatnomenon unfold around me. Hell on earth is listening to pudgy women give each other diet tips and tell me how lucky I am to be thin. Or yammer on about what they need to eat more of to lose weight. Or buy Spanx and 'slimming' clothes. I agree with the OP, that the single biggest (and simple! and elective!) thing anyone can do for their attractiveness is to not be fat
/r/PurplePillDebate26/05/21 10:49 AM
7

As someone who is toned, but very lanky and stringy build at 6'f/145#... It irks me so much when women act like situps will make them bulky. It took me a full year to see truly toned muscles on my body. And it was hard work! But yes, Cheryl, tell me more about how you just stick to cardio to not bulk up. Even though lifting, stretching, variety, balance is a far far better way to burn calories
/r/PurplePillDebate26/05/21 10:46 AM
2

Yikes. Well wishes to your family as you navigate the many externalities and implications of this arrangement. It seems really difficult, at best, to be in that situation
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 04:38 PM
1

It's not 24/7 to keep up a house. And IMO, because when you are depending on someone for literally all logistics in life, and the privilege of not working, it's an equitable (maybe not even) split to do more domestic duties
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 04:18 PM
3

I think that is choice feminism, for sure. Our choices don't exist in a vacuum, so choosing total reliance on a spouse doesn't seem like it can ever be total equality. Sure, she can choose that but it comes with many years of implications, lack of choice, and historical inequality. IDK, I'm not a feminist that's just my understanding of its many flavors
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 12:56 PM
2

I wonder how, if at all, feminism works in with being a sahm and entirely dependent on a man. I know there's "choice feminism" where you have to applaud anything a woman does, but at its core, relying solely on a man to fund your existence doesn't seem equal to me, at all
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 12:30 PM
9

IME, a lot on my social circle. Women, overall, are far far more likely to want to keep up with the joneses, or think that xyz age means their life should look a certain way. Every married couple older than 30 that I personally know has had some degree of this phenomenon
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 12:18 PM
2

This is the difference, IMO. If both partners work, that's a LOT different than one (usually the woman) choosing not to work (when it's a choice, ofc, not a disability or temporary layoff or something). Women who don't work who want a 50-50 split on chores, to me, are a bit unhinged and entitled. If you don't work, your keep is domestic stuff. If you both work equal hours and ate financially contributing, that's a whole different thing
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 11:02 AM
7

The one with SAHMs is irksome to me. When you don't work, and your life is paid for, it is your literal job to do domestic duties. Yet so many I know, choose not to work (which is almost always a huge privilege), then expect a 50-50 split with housework in the evening/ weekend. I don't get that mindset, and it's one of many observations I have had about couples where one doesn't work
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 10:59 AM
8

I definitely fall into this trap. And I'm pretty aware of it. Because you really don't need to "clean the garage and do xyz project, quick, before Anne and Mike come over!" I find myself unable to relax or enjoy my home if things aren't cleaned and orderly. And while I think women get judged more for a messy home, and tend to "nest" more by nature, I also think a lot of it is self-imposed, IME.
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 10:56 AM
1

People who say this have no idea about what adoption entails, the time/ heartache/ cost/ years of waiting/ intense dives into a couple's life/ potential ethical issues. It's not a substitute for having bio kids, nor is it as easy as 'just adopt.' I'm adopted and the misinformation and oversimplification of it all is off-putting. Plus, in the case of age, you're still an older parent if you start at 35+
/r/PurplePillDebate24/05/21 10:51 AM
7

But there are a lot of Factors that people have control over, vs just being 'born ugly.' Not being fat is probably the #1 thing that people can control that make them more attractive. And yet, women my age, 40+, will spend money and time on products, diets, slimming clothes without ever acknowledging how much more attractive they'd be at a healthy weight.
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 12:56 PM
4

I just kind of hate this idea that we are sold that we have tons of time for ALL the avenues in life. The reality is, that if a woman wants higher education, travel, career, independence, marriage, kids, suburbia.... She will be either a much older mom, financially dependent on a man, or some of those things won't happen
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 10:38 AM
5

Interesting. That has not been my experience in my social circle, and I think the stats say the same. But different experiences and perspectives lead to different conclusions, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:50 AM
15

Sure. But it's pretty rare that a 30 year old dude would want to have kids with an older woman, too. A woman better have a shitton to offer if she wants to start having kids and settling down at 35+
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:29 AM
10

If it doesn't work, or the woman wants something in life besides being a housewife/ mom. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, and for those who don't mind being dependent on a man, and it works, it's not a bad move. For those who end up with no work experience, and divorced, it is a bad move. We tend to say one way or the other based on how it worked out for us
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:24 AM
17

That was my experience, too. The ones who met at ~20, married at like ~25-27... Got divorced by around ~30-32. I'm now 41 and the second wave of divorces, rushed babies/ engagements, and the baggage of divorce is unfolding. We're led to believe that we have so much time but it sure doesn't seem that way, all things considered for those who want kids
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:22 AM
3

Yes. And no, though. You have tons of time but having a kid at 35+ is, well, medically considered geriatric pregnancy. Health and lifestyle affects it, definitely. But "tons of time" definitely goes faster at a certain point, and trying to navigate dating and the goal of a stable marriage. It's such a fine line for women who want kids, and it's tough to watch friends my age 35+, try to balance the many demands of work and family
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:19 AM
26

Indeed. I know it's not PC or whatever, but having kids over 35 is medically considered geriatric pregnancy. I know many women my age (anecdotal, yes) who are 38+ and just now trying for kids, and are facing struggles, socially/ medically/ health wise. I know not everyone can have kids at 22-26, ofc. But fertility is pretty limited in terms of time, and it's something many couples are struggling with as wages stagnate and careers take longer. I wonder what the effects of 'older parents' will be …
/r/PurplePillDebate23/05/21 01:15 AM
9

And if the 60% married by 30, how many are divorced by ~35? Anecdotally, in my social circle, the first to marry have been the first to split, and seemed to be the couple who just kinda drifted into marriage after 2 years of living together because "it's time".
/r/PurplePillDebate10/05/21 10:48 AM
0

My BIL is 34 and living with us after a divorce to get back on his feet. I wish he could see this reality. He's tall, good job, savings, stable, etc.... All the things that most women want, and he feels like life is just over for him, it's so unhinged.
/r/PurplePillDebate10/05/21 10:45 AM
3

Kind of related: I wonder what the implications of people having kids at 35+ is going to be. I know it's not PC or whatever to acknowledge, but having kids later than 35 is associated with risks and is considered an older parent, and with so many people waiting until then to have a kid, I think that there will be some unforseen circumstances. I'm grateful that I don't have the calling for kids, but for those that do, it's a tight timeline to get educated, date, travel, have a kid - I just don't …
/r/PurplePillDebate10/05/21 10:43 AM
1

Yes, women can be HL. But overall, I'd say that our sex drives are far more reactive, variable, contextual than men's and even HL women aren't as, overall, HL as men. I agree that women are up against a lot in terms of sexually satisfying relationships, though
/r/PurplePillDebate08/05/21 01:30 PM
2

This is my observation, too. There's very little incentive for most men I know to commit. Granted, I'm married (have a prenup for both our sales, since we both had assets prior), and happily so. But... Conceited rant coming.... I also think that I bring something to the table that made it worth it for my husband: financially established and no debt, not fat and dedicated to staying fit, educated, career that's stable, good friends. Marriage, foremost, is a contract, and I checked the boxes for h…
/r/PurplePillDebate08/05/21 01:28 PM
2

I mean, people with 4 kids tend to gravitate to situations where people have kids, like OB doctor visits, parks, minivan lots, etc. So that makes total sense
/r/PurplePillDebate06/05/21 11:33 AM
2

This is the one that I'm seeing, anecdotally. People in "eh" relationships and marriages were breaking up left and right. Some were stuck living together till things settled down. Conversely, good marriages were really thriving and still are. Funny how being locked up with little to do for a year can highlight the good and amplify the bad of a situation
/r/PurplePillDebate06/05/21 11:31 AM
1

And that pushes age of first child, which affects fertility. But yes, it does seem to hold that the more opportunities a woman has, the fewer children she has.
/r/PurplePillDebate06/05/21 10:34 AM
13

Yeah, I could easily afford kids in my marriage. It's not the cost, at all. It's the endless burden, sacrifice, toll on marriage/ body/ career, and expectations that women face in parenthood. I'm pretty traditional, but that's one part of me that's very modern. It's also true that the more education and options a woman has, the fewer children she has, and I fall right into that statistic
/r/PurplePillDebate06/05/21 10:33 AM
1

Logistical entanglement is not commitment. At least according to most people, most institutions, etc. You can feel committed, sure, but dating is not the same as marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/21 05:13 PM
3

Exactly. One reason of many that I think cohabitation without commitment is problematic
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/21 04:41 PM
5

Sure. But it's a different pairbond. Titles matter, and it's valid to separate "forever girlfriend," "SO," and all the other titles from "spouse." Marriage implies a permanence that dating does not, and a $65 marriage license covers a whole ton of benefits that would take attorneys and other paperwork to accomplish. It's interesting to me how many "marriage is a piece of paper" couples try to equate dating/ living together to a marriage, but claim it's not important
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/21 04:39 PM
2

I guess my experience differs. I had 0 problem dating in my late 20's and early 30's. I'm childless, not fat, stable financially. One thing that helped is that when I realized I wasn't into a guy or he wasn't into me, I ended it! Ffs, so many people talk themselves into subpar matches and then are surprised when it doesn't work out or they are having 4 "us talks" a week after 6 months of dating
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/21 11:52 AM
10

And those ones tend to find a guy who wants to commit. And depending on why she's single with a kid/s, that might be totally sensible to conclude that she's not a disaster. But most solid stable women don't find themselves a single mom without some glaringly bad choices, and it's reasonable to watch out for the probable red flags
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/21 10:53 AM
1

Sounds like the fatties' anthem. No, one walk won't. But daily, it will. Unless it's easier to just say "you never know," then tell people who swap dessert for a walk frequently, how Lucky they are to be thin
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/21 09:51 AM
2

I've kind of noticed this IRL, too. Simply, too many couples sleepwalk into dating, serious relationship, living together without truly thinking of the red flags and (should be) nonstarters. Sex thwarts your view on people, especially if it's good sex, and too many people mistake that for compatibility
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/21 01:31 AM
3

It won't. But if you choose a 20 minute walk over ice cream, yeah, that'll affect your future. Too many wo/men have 0 sense of retirement, health, debt. And it shows. I'm not perfect, far from, but I spent my 20's saving and focusing on all aspects of health, and the difference between me and my 40 something peers is huge
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/21 01:27 AM
3

Yep. And I eat a lot of junk, am not a health nut really, but balance it out with moving my body a lot, eating sensibly, and not having a cheat day daily. And I'm not fat. Yet the number of people telling me I'm lucky to be thin is so annoying
/r/PurplePillDebate25/04/21 08:18 PM
5

Agreed fully. The difference between my single friends' dating experience if they're fat vs not is astounding. And it seems to be that so many of them just think that it's a given. Like you hit xyz age or whatever milestone and you pudge up irreversibly. Not sure if they seem to get that limiting factor or not, but it's definitely the difference, IMO, in dating experience
/r/PurplePillDebate25/04/21 08:16 PM
12

No way, at least once a day, I think "man, I want to fuck the sense of humor on that guy!" /s. Well said. Also noteworthy is how contextual that arousal and libido are. And how women's sex drives tend to be reactive. And how we, too, are visual creatures. People tend to overlook how nuanced women's sex drives tend to be, IMO.
/r/PurplePillDebate24/04/21 12:12 PM
9

I'm 41f, and my sex life has never been better. I find that my peers who think that getting fat and frumpy and lonely are just normal, ime, are living in ways that reinforce that. If you're so exhausted from your desk job that all you can do is feed your cutesy addiction to red wine and lounge during the week... Yeah, you're not going to keep up a sex drive. If you're married to a manchild who doesn't contribute (if you both work) to chores and stuff, you're not going to be horny It irks me how …
/r/PurplePillDebate24/04/21 10:47 AM
2

Or state that any little socially odd experience, nerdy hobby, or tech-y career makes them "introverted," which is a wildly misused term. Or they mistake being uncouth with 'socially awkward.' Or the myriad of other ways that redditors seem to describe themselves that doesn't really mean what those terms actually mean
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/21 10:45 AM
3

That's been my observation, too. The women I know who have only dated "manipulative assholes" or can't get a date, are either quite rotund and dating outside their league, or are so deeply clingy and have problematic attachment that there are more red flags than mother russia.
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/21 10:42 AM
1

Is that really the only option for guys who earn well? I guess that the couples I know IRL are just on the same professional, financial page, and the ones who aren't got divorced, so it's hard to picture this in action
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/21 10:37 AM
3

Tangent: this is true in so many realms, and one thing about WFH that is problematic to me. Exposure to people, for better and worse, makes you like them more. It's just proximity doing its thing. But with so many interactions, especially dating, being over a screen, I think there are some real disconnects in expectations
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/21 10:35 AM
3

Totally true, ime. Overly nerdy and rambles about LoL? Way different than mildly racist and faux-edgy types. Plus, it depends on how your conversation partner is. I've said some weird weird shit, and people who like me find me endearing and zesty, people who don't find me overbearing and intense. Like most things, there's nuance. Yes, your looks and weight and presentation affect peoples perception of you, but there's a lot of other things too
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/21 10:30 AM
9

Does it not still imply problematic selection? The men that I know will stay with the mother of their child through a lot... Weight gain, sleeplessness, shifted priorities, etc. Women initiate most divorces, by a lot. So if a woman decides to have a baby with a guy who won't stick around, that's a reflection on her selection process, and if the guy leaves her with a baby, she's tied to him for life, and it shows that she didn't pick a good partner. Most people don't want to raise other people's …
/r/PurplePillDebate18/04/21 05:49 PM
14

At worst? IMO, that's nearly best case scenario. Worst is that they cheat or "grow apart" after 2 years of marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate10/04/21 01:52 PM
2

A lot goes into looks than just being blessed, though. It's not as inelective as many think. Fitness, style, demeanor, not being fat, etc are all far and beyond genetics
/r/PurplePillDebate09/04/21 10:45 AM
1

And yet, at least in the US, there is a glaring reality that would elevate nearly everyone's league: weight. With so many overweight people, being thin, IMO, puts you above average regardless of looks. Yet so many people think it's just about clothing, confidence, style, face. The difference between my fat friends' vs thin friends' dating experience is night and day
/r/PurplePillDebate09/04/21 10:42 AM
4

That's a pretty tall order, it seems. I'm 40F, and can count on one hand the number of people I know who don't need to lose weight. Among them, myself, who works super hard (or at least deliberately chooses fitness), and a 26 year old guy who is 6'4", lanky and on ADHD meds. The number of women I know who don't acknowledge the simple truth, that bodies don't look or function best with extra adipose, is astounding. Losing weight is the single best thing one can do for their dating pool
/r/PurplePillDebate19/03/21 10:38 AM
10

I wish I could put this on a post-it note and hand to everyone trying to date, and seemingly bending over backwards for wo/men. It's not even that personal, s/he's just NOT that into you. People will make things happen when they matter to them. If showing up for a date, or doing anything besides an occasional text chat, renders them unavailable.... Yes, it sucks that they aren't direct. But get the hint, dude/ette. It's pathetic to watch unfold IRL
/r/PurplePillDebate16/03/21 10:25 AM
31

And it's seemingly praised to cancel plans under the guise of "self care," a concept that is great at face value, but has come to mean a self-indulgent, gluttonous way of 'treating yo self.' As the extroverted planner of the group, I am so sick of people misusing the term "introvert," and not seeing that consistently flaking or not following up on relationships is exhausting and unfair.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/03/21 10:22 AM
1

Exceptions exist, yes. But so do trends. And overall, muscle mass and other measures of fitness aren't things that just happen
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/21 03:36 PM
11

Not fat is becoming more and more of an ask, it seems. So many people, even young ones who should be active and svelte, are fat! Yes, I'm american, but I can name about 3 people I know who genuinely don't need to lose weight, and I feel like they are automatically more attractive for it
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/21 11:53 AM
3

No one is "naturally" in shape. It takes work in the modern world to be fit, and stay that way. Interesting about age. I'm always curious about couples with a huge age difference, because of the attraction component. I. 41 and find guys my age genuinely attractive, but when I was 23, there's no way. Most IRL people I know date within their age and when people don't, it's odd to me, for reasons I can't quite articulate
/r/PurplePillDebate12/03/21 11:49 AM
5

I'm kind of surprised at how many women don't know how the combined pill (POP is different) works, and are okay taking it if they do. I've never been on hormonal birth control, the chemistry behind it squicks me out, so I'm biased there. But to trick your body into thinking it's pregnant for sometimes years at a time, seems iffy to me and it hasn't been around long enough to know the perhaps long-term consequence
/r/PurplePillDebate11/03/21 11:43 AM
8

But it's very important to remember that not everyone would/ will thinks it's worth trying out. I've never been on hormonal birth control, and never will - the chemistry of it creeps me out beyond description, both the POP and combined pill, and the shot, implant, all of it. The perceived benefits are not worth the many risks. The number of people, especially men, who advise "Just go on The Pill TM!" is irksome. So when the male pill comes out, it will seemingly be the warcry from many women to …
/r/PurplePillDebate11/03/21 11:38 AM
2

Okay, fair enough, and good points. Then how about another example: I'm thin and fit, but definitely not super into fitness. I run, lift, stretch, swim to stay trim and toned, but it's not my biggest thing in life or anything, just part of my routine. So I wouldn't date a guy with a Doritos and WoW habit for 12 hours/ day, just like a perfectly sculpted Adonis who adores the gym and macros, wouldn't date me. Over time, disparate goals and needs and leagues become an issue in relationships. Refle…
/r/PurplePillDebate09/03/21 11:45 AM
10

Why is it sad? Leagues exist, and like attracts like. I'm financially established, but not "never work" rich. I wouldn't date a guy with no financial stability, but would be nuts to only try to date rich. Most people gravitate towards people in their same SES, looks league, values system, and the way to do better is to be better
/r/PurplePillDebate09/03/21 02:27 AM
3

This is, IME, the most overlooked or perhaps unacknowledged reality when talking about attractiveness. Being overweight is the single biggest, and most elective, part of being un/attractive. I'm thin and fit, and worked hard to get/stay there, and it's eye-opening just how much it helps - confidence, clothing, most every part of my sexual attractiveness is heightened. It's astounding to me how many people dismiss the importance of it, and how this simple (not easy!) factor can affect dating
/r/PurplePillDebate09/03/21 02:25 AM
1

Exceptions exist, but so do trends. Yes, people differ, but it's not misleading to note that, overall, men have higher libidos that are less affected by external factors. And, overall, women have more reactive sex drives that are influenced by things other than libido only.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/03/21 11:44 AM
3

Okay. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
/r/PurplePillDebate28/02/21 02:10 PM
3

I feel the same, and am a straight married woman. I don't want to be friends with people who are blindingly 'sex positive' for various reasons, and I'm glad that they mostly are easy to spot and avoid
/r/PurplePillDebate28/02/21 01:27 PM
3

Oh, I gotcha and definitely agree. I'm grateful I don't want kids, it feels like so much of this is resolved by that simple fact in my marriage. I'm also glad that I chose a partner who doesn't not working as a 'goal' for his wife. I know different things work for different people, though
/r/PurplePillDebate25/02/21 01:08 PM
6

Indeed. So it makes sense that women are opting out at higher rates, the more options they have. The burden, sacrifice, work, labor, and thanklessness is so heavily skewed on women, even ones who work, and women with options are seeing that more clearly
/r/PurplePillDebate25/02/21 12:09 PM
10

Nope, not always. Relying on a spouse for every logistical and financial need, to me, and all women I know with any type of options, looks like prison, not green grass. Ive always had my own money and mobility, though, so I cannot comprehend envying total reliance on a spouse
/r/PurplePillDebate25/02/21 12:07 PM
8

Same. I don't have or want kids, and that's part of the reason: culturally, logistically, professionally, socially... The burden and sacrifice is still so heavily on women. Even in households where both work. I've worked in finance for years, and can't help but wince a little when women opt out of any work experience for years to rely on a spouse. Divorce, death, layoff, infidelity, intellectual progression, IME, all seem to hit sahms disproportionately hard. I personally can't imagine my spouse…
/r/PurplePillDebate25/02/21 12:05 PM
0

Oh, 100%. There's a monologue in 'Shallow Hal' about just that. Sociable but tolerates his 10hour/ day gaming habit, gorgeous but low maintenance, can hang with the guys but is feminine, smart but not intimidating, interesting but doesn't demand dating effort.... Yeah, I've met that guy, and he's unbearable
/r/PurplePillDebate24/02/21 02:20 AM
5

Yes! That's so prevalent, ime. Because women seem to, ime, be praised just for existing. and sometimes act like they are doing men a huge favor by being with them, so deserve commitment. and a laundry list of their dream man's qualities without being realistic about what they actually offer
/r/PurplePillDebate23/02/21 09:23 PM
11

It's a weird phenomenon I've noticed, for sure. Decidedly average women seem to have some very deep princess complexes and feel entitled to their dream man, while offering very little in terms of financial independence, fitness, etc
/r/PurplePillDebate23/02/21 09:09 PM
8

And what they have to offer. Princess complex is so very real IME. It seems to be that women have either 0 self respect and are content to hook up with non-committal guys, or are hugely entitled. It's weird, but so many of my friends- in debt, overweight, no real hobbies, have lived with 3 boyfriends, little upward mobility- seem to think that they should be dating a guy waaay out of their league
/r/PurplePillDebate23/02/21 09:06 PM
0

And height is only one factor. Nevermind all the other limitations in dating like values, compatibility, etc. Either way, as a 6'f who severely limited my options.... No regrets, at all. Attraction is important
/r/PurplePillDebate21/02/21 08:33 PM
4

I'm 6'f married to a 6'4" dude. Always dated men taller than me, never had issues finding them. But I'm athletic and tend to meet men through sports-related hobbies. Either way, I love being "that tall brunette couple"
/r/PurplePillDebate21/02/21 08:30 PM
2

And that's definitely part of dating for everyone: most people (in the US anyway) are overweight. I think dating if you're fit is a whole other thing for short men, tall women, pretty much anyone that is way more pertinent than height
/r/PurplePillDebate21/02/21 08:29 PM
1

I'm 6'f and have heard that height is a disadvantage. But that has so been the opposite of my experience. I've always been sought out by tall guys, and the physical compatibility is awesome. Same with my tall female friends. Then again, we are all athletic and tend to meet guys through athletic hobbies, which former athletes gravitate to. Regardless, I do agree that being a shorter man would be tough in dating, but not nearly as much as people imply
/r/PurplePillDebate21/02/21 08:27 PM
3

Mine is. No kids, but I've worked in finance for years. Money matters. My marriage is a business agreement, based on practicality and upward mobility. I wouldn't have married a guy not aligned with my vision of success, and marriage protects us both. Yes, I love and treasure the guy, but wouldn't have married for love alone
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 12:03 PM
2

Yeah, the sacrifice of parenthood is so so heavily on women- physical burden, among the many risks- that to willingly do that with a man who isn't committed, is usually a risk that doesn't pan out for women
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 12:01 PM
-1

I believe in the power of good driving, and I still am insured and wear a seatbelt. To me, the "just a piece of paper" people are a bit off base regarding the many benefits of marriage, and/or 35 year old women whose boyfriends won't commit
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 11:58 AM
1

Indeed. Living together or dating is just not the same as being married. Marriage is the only real way to protect against "the prisoner's dilemma" logistically. And, I'd argue, emotionally. Certainly professionally. I've never met an executive at work with a decades-long girlfriend, for instance. And while the institution fails a lot, it's still the only one that outwardly shows commitment
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 11:56 AM
18

And many dating couples acknowledge the difference in pairbond, subtly, by insisting on equating their relationship to a marriage, using special titles to describe their BF/GF, etc. No, the institution isn't perfect, and it fails a lot. But nearly every culture- past and present- has a way to celebrate implied lifelong commitment. And that comes with privilege and clout that other pairbonds do not
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 11:53 AM
5

Okay. Then don't do it? It's not compulsory, but it is a different pairbond than dating or living together, in nearly every realm and institution.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/02/21 11:49 AM
11

I wonder about the literal and figurative labor and other contributions of these men. For every "she doesn't put out" complaint from men, there seems to be an equal and opposite "I now have 2 kids to tend to" from women. Women, even those who work, do the vast majority of the domestic upkeep in marriage and that's not exactly arousing
/r/PurplePillDebate16/02/21 06:12 PM
5

Or just like.... Eating less. Hell on earth for me is this time of year when the office talk consists of having to listen to what people are eating more of to lose weight, and calling me lucky to be thin. Being thin is the most simple- no, NOT easy- thing to accomplish, and peoples refusal to believe that is half the problem
/r/PurplePillDebate16/02/21 11:49 AM
6

To look good naked, to be attractive, for my organs, for my marriage and libido, to be able to play with kids.... Many reasons, but the pith of it being: being overweight is worse for nearly all parts of existence than being fit
/r/PurplePillDebate16/02/21 11:46 AM
3

Simple =\= easy. No, it won't happen tomorrow like a wardrobe change, but trim bodies wear nearly all clothing better than fat ones.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/02/21 11:44 AM
6

It is bonkers to me how many people don't see that being fat is the most elective, changeable thing you can do to be attractive. More simple than any clothing changes, make-up, etc. Simply being thin will put you leagues above most, and the gymnastics some people go through to avoid that truth is odd
/r/PurplePillDebate15/02/21 08:04 PM
9

No. Metabolism isn't affected until menopause. I think most people just don't move as much and eat more. But the whole "fat and frumpy by 30" thing is a total myth
/r/PurplePillDebate15/02/21 08:00 PM
6

Not directly, but it's no friend to the female form and most women's bodies irreparably change after pregnancy, and/or they use their status as a mom to let themselves go a bit
/r/PurplePillDebate15/02/21 07:58 PM
7

That was my experience in Portland, too. Definitely more crunchy, thin, and health minded. But also far more frumpy skinnyfat types, which the men up there seem to be fine with. Now I'm in the southwest where being fat is just a given, it seems. Different places have differing social and cultural norms, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate15/02/21 07:57 PM
4

Then get called an asshat because apparently, supremely overweight people can be healthy. Nah. It is about so much fore: stamina, looks, longevity, vanity, health, fitness, and yes, more vanity. I work hard to stay fit and trim, and want someone who is on my physical, financial, intellectual level. To have to tiptoe around that is off-putting
/r/PurplePillDebate15/02/21 07:54 PM
7

Uh, no. I'm 5'11" or 6' on a good day and weigh 145# and am reasonably thin. 200# would be massively overweight. Most people are just so used to seeing overweight people that they cannot accurately see how little excess fat it takes to be considered overweight
/r/PurplePillDebate09/02/21 05:18 PM
17

With so many people overweight, and most people completely unable to identify what normal weight looks like, I agree. I am 5'11" or 6' on a good day and 145#. The number of times I get called "too skinny" is maddening. Even dudes I know who say they don't want to date an overweight woman, then do, is odd. Being fit and trim is the single biggest (heh) thing a woman can do for her attractiveness, not clothing or makeup or anything else. And too many don't get that
/r/PurplePillDebate09/02/21 05:17 PM
9

Agreed, and certainly worked in my favor when I was dating. Uo to and including marriage to a guy who respects me, is financially established and stable, and values fitness in both of us. The idea that hooking up and sleeping around is liberating will always baffle me. I've seen (anecdotally, sure) so much baggage, ill-aligned expectations, and heartache from wo/men who think they are equipped to date super casually
/r/PurplePillDebate03/02/21 02:32 AM
2

This is my theory, too. It's why so many girls and women date "bad boys." Feeling special from a guy who is an asshole, or "tells it like it is," or worse, is appealing at a base level to many women. Serial killers who manage to have a girlfriend, are the heightened form of that
/r/PurplePillDebate31/01/21 12:31 AM
3

Huh. For me, yes, having a solid spouse who is a partner, buddy, friend, fuck buddy, cheerleader, financial contributor... Definitely increased my happiness. But I didn't date for marriage till I didn't need that to be happy. We all have a lot to learn, I hope, that's part of life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:18 AM
2

Correct. Not all of us do or want any one thing. And hopefully women who continually attract losers are able to reverse that
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:12 AM
13

Hopefully those women work on themselves enough to offer that which they seek, and can attract the men they want to date and/or marry. Seems difficult for many women, and when I hear about what they offer- physically, financially, emotionally- it often becomes clearer
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:11 AM
2

Kinda the opposite goal of marriage. But in dating, leading up to marriage, that was my experience. I'm sorry yours has been so subpar
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:10 AM
6

And as long as women accept this behavior, live with guys who won't/ don't want to commit, are okay being a mommy to a man... Nothing will ever change for them, either. Why are so many women dating losers, and then complaining about them? Goes both ways, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:08 AM
1

That was my experience. And so the solution was to not sleep around, and to only fuck dudes that I have a connection with, who treated me and themselves with a clear alignment of goals. Men and women fuck differently, and to deny that and act like casual fucking is fulfilling for most women, is part of the disparity. Sure, some women are content with casual sex, but most are not
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 01:05 AM
1

No, we don't want any one thing. I don't find men disgusting and dated, then married, only lovely attractive men who cared about me. I've always had dates, relationships, and now a marriage, with men who shared my hobbies and values and contributed to my pleasure, goals, and needs. If its that perpetually bad, ime, it's rarely just that men suck
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 12:55 AM
23

Not perfect life, here, but I had a very easy time dating. With men in my league, who wanted to commit, etc. Sure, a few stinkers in the bunch, but they were the exception. My dates were 95% lovely people, and I had the opposite curiosity: who are these women that have such a hard time dating and continually attract jerks that mislead them
/r/PurplePillDebate23/01/21 12:53 AM
1

Absolutely. I'd rather be single forever than with someone I'm not attracted to. And yes, I am solely attracted to men taller than me. Ive never had issues because I tend to meet guys in athletic settings. My height has been a positive in all of my relationships, and now marriage, with guys 6'3"+, so eliminating potential mates has never been a hindrance
/r/PurplePillDebate21/01/21 11:55 AM
1

That has not been my experience, but I've always found tall dudes through sports. And I'm not fat, so I'm a slim 6'. My height has been a positive in all of my relationships, and now marriage, to guys 6'3"+
/r/PurplePillDebate21/01/21 11:51 AM
30

Ding ding ding. This is what it so often comes down to that both men and women, and certainly this sub, cannot grasp: men and women are different, and that includes sex. Yes, some women are down with casual sex, but overall, I have observed that it will not be that way forever, nor will a high libido woman not wane in a relationship. Men, overall, have different needs in relationships regarding sex. Women, overall, are more reactive in their sex drives. Men, overall, have sex drives less affecte…
/r/PurplePillDebate21/01/21 02:55 AM
13

Admit? It's not something that needs to be admitted, it's just that when I'm 'honest,' I get called shallow. At 6', fit, successful career but not married to work, childless... I want the same: a tall fit dude in my socioeconomic pool. What too many people hear: women only want tall rich chads and won't give dads a chance. I offer that which I seek, and have been berated for it
/r/PurplePillDebate21/01/21 02:37 AM
3

Oooh, yeah, I can relate to that for sure. Not with a boyfriend or SO, but roommate stuff. You touched on an overlooked aspect of it: precedent. Once those get set, reversing them is so difficult! I'm going through something similar right now with a roommate and his new GF. She just started coming over daily one day. It just kinda.... Happened. And when I realized that her food and stuff was there, as was she, all the time, it was like a month later. So I had that discussion with my roommate, bu…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 07:28 PM
3

Absolutely, I agree. Women still do far more. And a lot needs to change in dating so that man-children aren't cohabitated with, or hopefully tolerated past the age of like 15. Far too many women are settling for these men, and then astounded when they do far more domestically
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 04:11 PM
7

This is so common for so many women, from what I hear. I don't get how men are that helpless, intentionally or not, and why so many women date these people. It seems so alien to me to be on either side of that, and it was a non-negotiable for me in dating. Regardless, thank you for sharing, I'm glad you were able and willing to leave that dynamic and hope you don't repeat it with another man-child
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 04:09 PM
0

No, yeah, I got that. I guess I just don't think it's quite so burdensome to keep a clean house, especially with denizens who are equal partners. My house is average by american standards and it stays quite tidy AND clean with me, a spouse, a housemate
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 03:39 PM
7

Gotcha. I guess I have a different experience, and my house stays quite clean, with a spouse and roommate who contribute in all ways. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 01:39 PM
12

Gotcha. So that sounds like a pretty unequal division of labor, for sure. I hope your husband are least appreciates his meals provided and planned or can contribute to the effort
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 01:38 PM
28

Do you find that a lot of this "endless chore list" that we hear about from women is self created, though? So many women I know seek to manufacture a lot of chores based on lifestyle choice and keeping up with the Joneses. Ex: my friend told me she had to get off the phone because she needed to get her throw pillows dropped off at the dry cleaners before xyz time. Like, that's hardly a necessary thing to keep a house up. An extreme example, perhaps, she's pretty stepford, but it does seem like m…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 01:15 PM
9

I think that covid and other factors will really push people to reconsider the traditional family unit. I am married and we have a housemate, though we don't "need" him financially. I plan to live communally forever, and find that the joys, burdens, annoyances, victories of home ownership and life are so much better spread between people. And I can see why so many cultures raise kids this way. IME, the obsession with the nuclear unit is one thing contributing to so many peoples stress and anxiet…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 01:09 PM
15

Well and why wouldn't they these days. With so many women content to hook up and/ or date super casually, the incentive to date seriously dwindles a ton. Women seem to expect nothing at all in dating or have a list of unreasonable demands - seems like the realistic in-between is not there
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 11:53 AM
8

I can absolutely agree with this, IME. Its no secret that women do more housework, overall. However! So many of my friends- and I'm guilty of it for sure- put a lot of problems in themselves that don't necessarily need to be there. Floors don't need to be scrubbed for a casual neighbor dinner, for instance. I find that I can't relax unless everything is "done," and it's hindered me before. And round and round it goes. I do think modern relationships manufacture a lot of problems, really
/r/PurplePillDebate16/01/21 11:47 AM
1

Because past behavior predicts future behavior. and if someone continues to jump into things and acquire baggage and hangups from many-a-boyfriend, I'd consider that a flashing red flag
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 05:40 PM
1

Valid. For you, and likely him if that's how you view it. But there's lots of reasons, and yet it's not compulsory
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 05:26 PM
2

Oh. Okay. Then different experiences and worldviews, for sure. I had a much easier time dating for marriage in my 30's, personally. Well wishes as you navigate trying to date, if that's where you're at in life
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 04:32 PM
3

Are your friends high quality? As in, do they match their partners in looks and ambition? Or are they chubby-but-dieting, up to their elbows in self help books, unhappy, inactive, and not really the type to attract a high quality partner? That, IMO, makes all the difference at any age of dating
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 04:11 PM
1

I mean... you could also marry an adult who doesn't need his socks washed by a wife. It's not either/or
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 03:31 PM
0

I kind of agree, as a married and happily childless woman of 40+. Marriage does offer social, legal, other benefits, but I'm still a black sheep for having no kids, and I think my marriage, frankly, isn't as valid (?) as a regular family. That said, with the influx of kids out of wedlock, single moms, and other broken dynamics, it matters less and less
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 03:29 PM
3

If people are content to forgo marriage, then sure. But most people acknowledge that marriage is a different pairbond than dating or living together. The worst are the couples who have been dating for awhile and then want their friends and family to think of them as married. That said.... If I had 3 divorces, I'd probably take the hint opt out
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 03:24 PM
5

That was so not my experience. I was in my 30's when I married and never ever had trouble finding dates, dudes who wanted commitment, and like-minded men. Then again, I'm not fat, hadn't lived with 7 boyfriends, am fit, no debt, and a pretty grounded person. I agree that it's easier to date young, but in terms of compatibility, if you offer anything solid at all, it got easier in my 30's
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 03:21 PM
2

Sure, I get that. And you're right, neither can be observed outside the other. Though, I will admit to a bias because I'm adopted, as are all of my siblings. So I have observed different genetics manifest in the same environment, and, IMO, nature plays a much bigger role than is PC to talk about
/r/PurplePillDebate12/01/21 11:35 AM
13

And it seems so prevalent, omg. Or maybe people are just super fat in general. I'm not even sure I'd want fat friends, tbh, but definitely not a fat husband. I'm pretty lean and fit, though, so I think that's reasonable. It's my friends who are pudgy-but-dieting, and have a cute addiction to red wine, but want a fit guy that alarm me
/r/PurplePillDebate11/01/21 03:57 PM
5

I've noticed this with a lot of my female friends. They claim that they want to take it slow, but then fuck pretty early and get attached suuuuper hard. I don't think you need to wait 10 months to have sex or anything, but it does change your view on a person and most people, especially women, can't separate sex from emotion
/r/PurplePillDebate11/01/21 03:55 PM
5

Your first point is one of my double standards: I would be super super cautious to marry as a man. Especially with so many women content to live together without commitment. I'm a woman who wanted marriage (and has a solid one) and wouldn't live together without a solid timeline for commitment.
/r/PurplePillDebate11/01/21 03:52 PM
32

This is one of the many problems with the "gender is a social construct" people. Gender affects everything in dating, nature is a thing, and to claim otherwise is naive and unhinged
/r/PurplePillDebate11/01/21 03:49 PM
6

In the same way that a fat person doesn't deserve public shame and derision, I agree that it's nothing to feel ashamed by. But, I don't agree that the actions itself are okay - some things deserve side-eye, and sleeping around, and what it represents and its outcomes, are among those things. The absolute worst offenders IME are the women my age who are former party girls, chubby-but-perpetually dieting, decades of too much booze has caught up with them, and are surprised that all the "good men" …
/r/PurplePillDebate22/12/20 11:23 AM
16

Yeah, the only stigma I hate in N-count discussions is acting like it's a bad thing to consider it. I'm 40f, pretty fit but at least not fat, low count, educated. It's ridiculous to think that a 25-year old Adonis-level fit, rich, elite would (seriously) date me. Or that I'd date a fat, antisocial gamer who can't leave his house because of anxiety. Leagues exist, values matter, and sexual past goes into that - that that is a controversial claim is bonkers to me
/r/PurplePillDebate22/12/20 03:08 AM
2

Sure. And that's just it: most don't. Especially since most wo/men are overweight in the US, pregnancy and birth is one more hurdle to being fit, or at least not fat
/r/PurplePillDebate15/12/20 02:46 PM
1

Exceptions exist, but so do trends. And overall, having a kid and being pregnant, is not something that helps most women's form. Though it doesn't have to equal automatically fat and frumpy, most women have to work for 'pre-baby body'
/r/PurplePillDebate15/12/20 11:11 AM
25

Getting fat is the real difference between aging well and not, IMO. I'm 40 and fit and the difference between myself and those who have seemingly opted out of weight mindfulness is huge. And that, to be, for both genders is the single most elective thing about aging, walls, SMV, all of it
/r/PurplePillDebate15/12/20 03:22 AM
10

Or have had them. The difference between my friends who have had kids and who opted out is huge - pregnancy, birth, childrearing is no friend to health, weight, or the female form. Granted, I'm 40 and seen as a spinster, which is another kind of "wall," but physically, not having kids was a huge plus in my aging process
/r/PurplePillDebate15/12/20 03:19 AM
1

Well, and the whole having a baby thing that comes after... No thanks. I relied solely on condoms before I got my bisalp, and have never ever been, risked, or wanted to be pregnant. It used to be weird to me how many women get unintentionally pregnant, till I saw people attempting to wear masks on their faces. But for me, hormonal birth control was never an option and condoms were never a question
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/20 10:29 PM
5

I have never been on birth control, and wouldn't. I used condoms exclusively before I got my bisalp. The "just get on The PillTM" that gets thrown around is really tiresome, especially considering the many reasons I didn't want to.
/r/PurplePillDebate09/12/20 10:25 PM
1

Sounds like you were a bit disconnected on expectations. I hope you figured it out in a mutually agreeable way, together or apart. I agree that it's not at all flattering to be called a wife when you're dating, it's a slap in the face, IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate07/12/20 07:32 PM
2

Or if they do get married, it's because of inertia and pressure, not a deliberate commitment. Or the women who eventually talk themselves into continuing dating and get super defensive by noting that "were practically married anyway". Or after 6 years, they get married and nothing logistically changes and she realizes she's not happy and they divorce after 2 years Like you, I've seen it enough times and oddly enough, the stats say the same: living together without a solid timeline for commitment…
/r/PurplePillDebate07/12/20 03:46 PM
2

Yeah, especially if you move in without a firm timeline for commitment. How many men are content living together, while their girlfriends see it as a step to formal commitment? I've seen it dozens of times IRL, and so they sleepwalk into marriage or keep dating, to the contentment of neither. I'm pretty against cohabitation without commitment, so my axiom definitely differs from most 20/30 somethings, though
/r/PurplePillDebate07/12/20 01:12 PM
0

But it's also the most elective and simple (not easy, necessarily) change you can make to being attractive. With so many people overweight, it's really almost shocking to see a 30 year old woman at a healthy weight. And yet too many people think that getting fat and frumpy is just a thing that happens at xyz age
/r/PurplePillDebate05/12/20 11:42 PM
3

IIRC, though, that doesn't even happen till you're much older. People blame a LOT on metabolism that's really just a desk job and not moving around as much. The number of "just you wait" warnings that getting fat and frumpy is just a thing that happens is off-putting. I think that not being fat has probably been the #1 indicator of dating success among my female friends
/r/PurplePillDebate25/11/20 01:22 PM
1

I see. I hope you're able to choose to be surrounded by better women in the future! That sounds dreadful
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/20 04:57 PM
3

How hot are these women that can branch swing like that?! I have some super hot, skinny, fit, smart friends and I don't think I've ever date someone so stupid like that, or even had a guy fall for that hot chick schtick without some type of substance. Maybe I just know awesome men, but I'm astounded when tbag happens
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/20 01:32 PM
2

I have definitely observed a different reality: even if a couple isn't initially imbalanced, over time, the career and weekends of the breadwinner is prioritized over the non-working spouse. Who has the final say if a job offer gets made in a different city? Who comes home and gets to relax because "they were working all day"? Who isn't paying into social security/ professionally networking/ keeping their skills sharp and suffers when they try to get back to work after years out? I agree that ki…
/r/PurplePillDebate18/11/20 11:21 AM
2

I don't think that things can be inherently equal when both parties don't work and/or have some financial autonomy. When in couples where there is a ton of trust and otherwise equal breakdown of things, money affects things and the one who makes it, ultimately, has the say - maybe not overtly, but it seeps in, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate18/11/20 03:19 AM
1

Well, yeah. I mean the idea of an able-bodied spouse just... electively not working if they don't have kids is bonkers to me. Maaaaybe a brief sabbatical after college or something. But to just not work makes 0 sense to me, and I would personally divorce if my husband did that (again, systemically, actively looking, etc notwithstanding). I am pretty into money and security and career and the many benefits that I perceive from working, though
/r/PurplePillDebate17/11/20 05:21 PM
1

So what would your expectation of your partner be?
/r/PurplePillDebate17/11/20 01:27 PM
10

It's an uncomfortable reality that many women who don't work, ignore: If you don't contribute financially, your literal job is the house (not including disability or temporary involuntary unemployment, ofc). I always thought it's a bit bonkers to expect your spouse to work then come home and do house stuff. Then again, I work in finance and have seen the many implications of how money affects things, so I'm very biased in favor of each partner financially contributing
/r/PurplePillDebate17/11/20 01:25 PM
1

Absolutely. The "gender is a social construct" people will never see that men and women differ, so their axiom is different (well, IMO, fundamentally flawed). Sex absolutely has differences for men and women, and one of the biggest disgraces that modern women played into is that humping anyone who asks is fun and liberating
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/20 11:34 AM
17

I mean, anyone who has made it to 35 without a relationship, is probably deeply flawed. There is a balance, for sure - too few relationships and too many hookups both have more red flags than Mother Russia
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/20 11:32 AM
1

I agree with the relationship component of women who have humped their way through every social circle they've been in, for sure. But also, I find that "one of the guys" women or the ones who are so deluded that they don't see the issue with a myriad of guy friends (whether they've fucked them or not, the dude would 9/10 times be down, so the sex component is already out there)... have problematic views on women's friendships. Part of a problem I see in dating is when women try to make their BF …
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/20 11:31 AM
2

It makes perfect sense if you acknowledge how much men and women differ. When you have 2 women looking for a committed relationship, it tends to move faster
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/20 02:49 AM
1

I'm fit and that alone puts me in "above average" category relative to my fat friends when it comes to male interest. I've been dressing pretty dumpy with covid wardrobe, and... It still rings true. With so many overweight people, just being a healthy weight does wonders for prospects, men and women
/r/PurplePillDebate16/11/20 02:44 AM
1

Sure, couples are different, and we've since worked it out in marriage. But there's also universal red flags and trends, and women doing the vast majority of domestic labor is more than "each couple is different." Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 03:17 PM
5

This has been my experience and observation too. More and more women are opting out of parenthood for what I, electively childless myself, consider to be very good reason. When a couple has kids, it seems like so much of the burden and risk and sacrifice is on them, so as women have options, they have fewer kids. But many, if not most, still want marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 03:22 AM
2

Because "mother" is the highest social status for women, and it's measured by how much you sacrifice, it makes sense. I relate to you, though. I'm married and electively childless. My husband comes up, for sure, but I am so so much more than a wife. I like to talk about work, volunteering, politics, ideas, and when women devolve into "Jackson's mommy" it can be tough to maintain friendship
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 03:20 AM
7

As long as the ones who don't want marriage are content forgoing the many benefits of marriage. It's a different pairbond than dating or living together, and many of the "practically married but still committed" couples are in for a rude awakening, logistically and socially when they are 40 and still a girlfriend
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 03:08 AM
9

Ah, but "better at" is a slow creep. I'm by far the better cook in marriage because, well, the implication was, slowly over time, that the kitchen was my domain. No one comes out of the womb as a good cook, I just practice more. Same deal with time - I work 7-4, my husband is 9-6. So I have "more time" after work by schedule, and those 2 hours are not nearly as relaxing for me as 6-8 is for him
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 03:00 AM
3

I can agree and have seen this unfold IRL. However, I also think that women are more prone to the idea of "life stages" and tend to think that at xyz age their home and marriage should look a certain way. So the lifestyle creep sets in and they, overall, take on more because they take on more. Not all couples, and invisible labor still is a real thing, but I do see many women falling into that trap
/r/PurplePillDebate14/11/20 02:57 AM
2

Yeah, I'm now 40 and the difference between those who took good care of themselves and those who didn't is painfully clear. I weigh what I did in college and am far fitter with more money for flattering clothes and good food. The idea that you get fat and frumpy at xyz age is perpetuated by the "just you wait" crowd who let themselves go. And when talking about dating, a key difference in status is being fat or fit
/r/PurplePillDebate13/11/20 03:20 AM
3

Yeah. Or, more likely in hooking up type encounters, attention even if it's short term. Validation, activity, etc. But yes, some flavor and form of commitment
/r/PurplePillDebate11/11/20 02:21 PM
7

I think that's one of the follies of hook-up culture. Most women, IME, don't just have sex for sex's sake. Casual encounters are really skewed towards men's pleasure, but even if the sex were good, most women are seeking something other than just an orgasm. Hook-up culture has done a phenomenal job of convincing women that they are as horny as men, but that doesn't make it true. So yes, the majority of women need something beyond a hot guy to enjoy sex
/r/PurplePillDebate11/11/20 11:53 AM
3

I'm 40 and have seen it too, but! Not with women who aren't fat and frumpy and bitter themselves. Leagues definitely exist, and are highlighted around my age when the women who coasted on youth and good luck are now in situations where their Bodies and health have caught up with them, but wo/men who have kept up their appearance and intelligence and caterers, can be far more choosy
/r/PurplePillDebate10/11/20 01:29 PM
1

Gotcha. I have had different observations and experiences with friends, so different conclusions, for sure. Thanks for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate07/11/20 01:20 PM
1

Sigh. Fine. Cheating, abuse, taking them for granted. My point stands, though. The majority of divorces I've witnessed aren't for reasons like those you state.
/r/PurplePillDebate07/11/20 11:49 AM
2

IIRC, though, it's not always because of cheating. Many women, college educated and upwardly mobile, divorce because of "irreconcilable differences" or to go find themselves. Yes, there are lots of women who divorce because of the Walkaway Wife syndrome, but plenty seem to initiate divorce because they're "not happy anymore". I'd be curious to see a breakdown of reasons cited, because anecdotally, it sure seems a lot of men I know have been divorced by women for nebulous reasons
/r/PurplePillDebate07/11/20 11:40 AM
16

Unless your children reject your ideals and values and go a totally different way. It happens a lot. Though, the amount of parents who think their kids are going to be something spectacular is unsettling
/r/PurplePillDebate05/11/20 11:48 AM
6

That's my point. And any time I hear it talked about openly from dudes, they'd say the same.. I guess I just don't think that, long term, and without issue, men and women can be friends
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/20 12:04 PM
2

Well, poly people are a whole other subset of dating that I won't even begin to understand, so I'm sure the norms and standards and culture is way way way different
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/20 12:03 PM
2

Oh it's definitely immature. But it happens, a lot, and so does the inverse. I don't blame people for having feelings or urges or desires, I blame them for how they handle them.
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/20 11:06 AM
3

Same here. I, personally, have never had a guy friend where the sex/ dating thing at least didn't come up and affect things. They have seemingly always been hopeful of something more, and that's not legit friendship. I know, I know, I'm always met with women who are like "I have 6 best guy friends and they are like brothers!" but I always have to wonder how the dudes truly feel about the situation
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/20 11:02 AM
3

I'd go one further and ask: can men and women really be friends, long-term and without issue? I'm not "so hot" but I'm not fat, and at least not offensive looking. I can't recall a single 'guy friend' I've ever had who wouldn't bang me. So, to quote Harry Burns, the sex thing is already out there and affecting the friendship. Women who don't see this kinda strike me as naive. And the men who stick around being my friend, usually waiting, strike me as kinda pathetic
/r/PurplePillDebate30/10/20 10:59 AM
5

I don't see how it's unreasonable to judge people on their appearance. Yes, yes, exceptions exist. But so do trends. If you dress and present a certain way, it's usually indicative of your personality in some way. And only a select few are offended by that fact, and insist on not being 'judged by their cover' (even though they are, IME, the ones that go out of their way to stand out or be super alternative) E: phrase
/r/PurplePillDebate18/10/20 10:43 AM
8

Why keep it to himself on a thread where it was specifically asked? He's not walking up to women IRL saying this (hopefully). And while it is a generalization, yes, many are true. Is it unreasonable to assume that a gym rat wouldn't smoke and be into healthy eating? Or that academic elites tend to be more progressive? Some generalizations are repeatedly reinforced, and I don't think it's unreasonable to base your conclusions on experience
/r/PurplePillDebate18/10/20 10:42 AM
2

I've never been on birth control, and do wonder about the long-term effects of it on sex drive and attraction in a relationship. But my sex drive is very very cyclical - ovulation and the week prior, I want to get off all the time. But the 3-7 days before menses, I can't be bothered at all
/r/PurplePillDebate13/10/20 12:22 PM
1

How long did these relationships last? Were they yearlong at the rate of wanting 1-2x/ day? Either way, exceptions (which that would be) don't overwrite trends
/r/PurplePillDebate13/10/20 12:21 PM
1

Exceptions exist, but so do trends. Women who have super high drives with one partner are not as common as men who do. Women with very high drives who solve it by sleeping around a ton, are usually satiating something other than just a sex drive. Women's sex drives are far more contextual, mental, hormonal, cyclical than men's and to debate that seems kinda silly
/r/PurplePillDebate13/10/20 12:19 PM
12

I had the same experience in friendships and observations in my 20s, 30's, and now 40's. The women I know who sleep around endlessly, still cool with "talking to" a guy after months of a makeshift-but-not-really dating situation, cater solely to guys' needs in hookups and their brief relationships... all have the same textbook self-esteem issues. And now that we are 40+, it's endless comments about how they can't nab a "good guy to settle down with." I love my friends, but some of them have such…
/r/PurplePillDebate11/10/20 10:49 AM
2

Definitely not blue, far too left and entitled for me. Not red because, well, they seem to be a bit unhinged about some things. Both have great parts, both have massive red flags. Therefore, purple. Cheers!
/r/PurplePillDebate06/10/20 12:23 PM
1

Correct. I worked throughout grad school, delayed huge trips, lived and ate below my means. I was raised in a big, working class family - no financial help, but valued education; never had excess growing up, but a solid social support. So probably raised lower/ middle middle class
/r/PurplePillDebate06/10/20 12:12 PM
3

What difference does it make? Men don't seem to care, aside from the fact that I have a good career and no debt. I'm an accountant, and have bounced around different sectors of accounting for the last 15 years
/r/PurplePillDebate06/10/20 10:59 AM
10

And in the end, the pendulum swigs to the middle. Most people marry those in their same socioeconomic class. Money is a huge deal in a marriage, and to overlook it is an uphill climb. The trope of "5th Avenue marries a simpleton from a farm" only works in hallmark movies
/r/PurplePillDebate06/10/20 10:40 AM
3

I guess I know different women, because that has not been my experience. I got married at 29, but am not/ was not fat, no debt, no kids, supporting my master's degree, didn't fuck anyone who paid me attention.... And that has been true with all the women I know who are in that category. What types of wo/men are perpetually having trouble finding partners?
/r/PurplePillDebate06/10/20 10:36 AM
1

I am horrified at how many women my age are seemingly proud of the fact that they can't cook or "adult". I feed my family of 3 adults on like $200/month and we eat good, cheap, and healthy. And share the duties. And have fun with it. When my friends are spending nearly that much on takeout.... That's a huge problem, especially since they are the same people who can't lose weight or save money. /rant
/r/PurplePillDebate02/10/20 10:45 AM
0

I'm 6' tall, so a tall dude for me is a really tall human. I'm not fat at all, but so few people dwarf me thar it's nice to feel small next to a big dude. I'm sure some of it is nurture/ culture, but I also think there is a biological component to attraction, and height plays into that. Not sure how it works for smaller women who are shorter than most men, though
/r/PurplePillDebate30/09/20 05:19 PM
7

Wat. Most of my grounded, realistic friends IRL are 'honest' in acknowledging that this stuff matters for a long-term, healthy marriage. I agree that this sub skews a different way, though. And it blows my mind each time I read about how out-of-touch wo/men view the past
/r/PurplePillDebate28/09/20 02:16 PM
11

It's so annoying when my friends pull the "past is passed, I've changed and he should look past my history!" nonsense. I spent my 20's and 30's getting an education and edified experiences, didn't hump anyone who paid me attention, avoided debt, didn't destroy my body with drugs and no sleep, am thin and fit... so I take it particularly personally when my friends my age, 40's, can't see how my stable happy marriage to a guy who earns more than me but views me as an equal, home ownership, profess…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/09/20 10:40 AM
8

You describe some bottom-of-the-barrel losers that screwed up their lives faster than you could have ever said "life in shambles." When I think about this topic, I am thinking about more... reasonable, normal girls who were cute, stylish, probably popular, maybe smoked weed or got a drunk a few times... who are now 34, probably overweight but on a diet, lived with a guy in their 20's who never wanted to commit so she's bitter but cheers herself up with a boxed red blend and girls' nights, gradua…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/09/20 10:33 AM
14

I hate when I have to say this aloud to my friends. Like, Chloe, you're a 40-year-old party girl that has been 'seeing, but together, but not officially' a guy since you were 34, and you're wondering why he won't commit?! And Sarah, yes, you had a wild past, and it's unfair to say that anyone who doesn't want to take that on isn't a "real man"... you're entitled to live your life as you see fit, but no one is required to take that on. And the idea that "past is passed" and doesn't affect you is …
/r/PurplePillDebate28/09/20 10:25 AM
10

Indeed. It's one risk of upwardly mobile and successful men dating in their early 20's - I've seen it enough times where their GF, then fiancee, is supposed to get her proverbial shit together "after x,y,z thing happens" and... never does, so he's paying her debt in his 20's when she decides she "needs to find herself" and he's now 33 and divorced. Don't get me wrong, it's not all women's trends that make this a thing, but in the topic at hand, I've seen it. I don't know when it became cute to j…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/09/20 10:21 AM
1

Definitely not where I live. Marriage differentiates legally tied from other pairbonds. But I know there's a few places where dating a long time grants you the same rights. Thanks for sharing your experience
/r/PurplePillDebate26/09/20 06:27 PM
1

I mean, I second your no. For me, it was $65, all in. Lots of couples are doing it on the cheap. And the alternative to being unmarried/ partnered/ whatever they call it to add legitimacy to a dating relationship when a medical or other thing happen... Is well worth the cost. Of course, it's a valid choice to forgo commitment if both parties are okay with it, so long as they don't then demand the privileges and logistical ease of a marriage when it suits them
/r/PurplePillDebate26/09/20 03:00 PM
1

Wedding =\= marriage. It's easy and cheap to get married, and the benefits are innumerable. I think it's more a reflection on current dating trends, views on cohabitation, and so many young people Peter panning through their 20s/30s. If a woman is content to cohabitate without commitment, there isn't as much incentive to marry
/r/PurplePillDebate26/09/20 01:21 PM
1

Not sure how old your aunts are, but assuming they are ~55+ where getting married was all a woman could reasonably hope to live off of, that is harrowingly common. What I will never understand are young women with options, who meet their spouse in college, who are content to not work and rely on him. I cannot grasp how anyone could make that 'choice' these days, and have personally seen- in a career in finance and having done plenty of hiring- how not working for years often ends badly
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/20 10:38 AM
2

It certainly does change dating if you have no bio. clock. Like you, I have my tubes out, and never wanted kids. My timeline is so so much different than a woman who wants kids. And I don't envy women trying to have it all, especially since so few people get their shit together till they are ~30, it seems really risky to wait, and even moreso to rush
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/20 10:33 AM
8

I've seen so many instances of 'the walkaway wife syndrome' IRL, too. And what's worse, is how many men then claim it was out of the blue that she left. Now, women aren't blameless if they don't communicate, which many don't. But I think that patterns are usually upheld along gender lines and each spouse's respective fault in divorce statistics (yes, exceptions exist).
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/20 10:31 AM
1

everyone "knew" beforehand that it would turn out badly IDK, I've definitely called some divorces prior to the wedding. when 2 people get married because "we're in love" but have 0 in common... it's not that they are static, it's that this idea of love-conquers-all is really ridiculously naive, and yet, people give into it. That said, anyone who "just knew" is to be taken with a grain of salt. People assign hindsight to the present. So while your grandparents "just knew" that s/he was the one, t…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/20 10:22 AM
2

I agree fully. I don't love this idea that any choice a woman makes should be validated. I cannot help but wince a bit when my friends make the 'choice' to not work for years on end, and the many social, financial, logistical, professional, cultural, intellectual risks that come with just relying on a spouse. Then again, I have a pretty clinical view of marriage as a contract, and can't imagine having my husband subsidize my existence so that I can just... Not work. It doesn't compute with me, s…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/09/20 10:00 PM
3

IME, when they stopped asking, around 37 or so, the tone shifted from "there's still time" to a seething disdain that it was an unchanging decision. Seems like women cannot win, no matter the path they choose
/r/PurplePillDebate22/09/20 09:56 PM
1

IME, men's pressure is far far less. Most people accept my husband's answer of "not having kids" at face value, and his co-workers who have them, are tremendously supported logistically and kids are not a professional hindrance. In my career, I've always managed to slip it in that "my family of 2 is complete" - I do not envy the pressure of women trying to have it all, or the myriad of risks that come with not working for years on end
/r/PurplePillDebate22/09/20 09:55 PM
2

Plus, the un-PC reality that 35+ is geriatric pregnancy. Yes, beyonce and your friends neighbor had 3 little miracles starting at 39, but medically, it's not ideal. And that sucks for women trying to have a career, marriage, travel, etc. I don't envy the social pressure or biological reality, but it still exists. I also wonder how a generation of kids raised by middle aged parents will deal with losing them earlier and health issues of their parents. It seems so hard to plan for kids in a respon…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/09/20 09:53 PM
6

Yes, she says that because well over half of divorce is initiated by women. IIRC, breakups in dating relationships are more done by men but divorce is more done by women
/r/PurplePillDebate20/09/20 04:15 PM
4

Coupled with men being constantly told that if you date a girl for years, but don't commit, you're an asshole. Far too many men sleepwalk into cohabitation, engagement, marriage, because "it's time" and her sister is hinting at it or friend just got engaged, while not really examining if she meets his requirements or not
/r/PurplePillDebate20/09/20 12:30 PM
41

I have seen this a lot. Many people are always the next thing away from saving money, losing weight, getting a job they like, being happy. I see it a lot with women, specifically, where they are very tied to the idea of a "next step" so they want engagement, or to "have it all" because "it's time." Specifically, I think many men go along because of the idea that you're an asshole if you date a girl for years and don't commit. So men don't initiate divorce or break up unless there is something ou…
/r/PurplePillDebate20/09/20 12:28 PM
2

Right? 4 years is still well within the honeymoon period. And I gotta wonder if the guy she's been dating/ fucking/ living with for those 4 years thinks that her libido is as high as she claims.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/20 04:09 PM
6

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship history is, so I'm not sure if this is a legit inquiry. But I have seen it enough times, as my 40-something friends divorce, to know that it definitely leads to issues beyond it being an 'equal feeling of less time'
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/20 10:43 AM
45

Also estrogens effect on libido is miniscule compared to testosterone Indeed. Plus cyclical changes, emotional differences between men and women, the toll of menstruation/ PMS, risk of unwanted pregnancy. Anecdotally, I've never met a woman who, long-term, had as high a sex drive as her long-term partner (I think that sleeping around and being hypersexual is a different thing than a 'high libido' in a relationship)
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/20 10:19 AM
16

More and more, women (especially those where they and their partner work) are citing the domestic sphere as the reason for sex dropping off. That they work all day, come home, and have little 'help' without asking and so are not in a fuck-y mood. I don't know how true it is, but I have many many female friends who either bring that up constantly, or have divorced over it
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/20 10:17 AM
11

If women aren't planning on initiating sex with their partner, they shouldn't get into that relationship in the first place, But that's not when sex drops off, while 'getting into' the relationship. Most couples report that sex drops off after a few years in. And since most women need to be in a good place emotionally and relationship-wise to get aroused, while men's sex drives are different... the reasons reported are different between men and women.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/09/20 10:14 AM
0

IME, married men are seen as more stable and trustworthy at work. And people take your relationship wat more seriously in marriage vs dating. But if you don't see it that way, it won't compute with you that way - different experiences yield different worldviews for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 04:29 PM
2

There's no universal way that prenups work, it varies highly based on location. Plus they can be written to tailor to specific factors for a particular couple Living with someone you're dating, IME, leaves things far more murky in a split. There are social, financial, logistical, professional, cultural benefits that come with marriage that don't exist in dating no matter how much a BF/GF couple living together insists that they are committed
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 02:43 PM
1

Getting married solely because "we love each other" is a recipe for divorce. There should be tangible, logical compatibilities for when times are tough, IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 10:46 AM
10

Very sensible. I never had trouble dating when I was single, and think there are very good wo/men in the dating realm. I find people who consistently date "entitled fat gold diggers" or "manipulative assholes" have some introspection to do
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 10:42 AM
1

Getting married without one is really unwise. Especially for couples who earn similarly and are financially independent by the time they get married. Entering into any contract without terms and protections makes 0 sense to me
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 10:40 AM
23

Living together without commitment is risky for both men and women. I do get men's concerns about marriage, but dating for years with no protection or social standing is unwise and not a risk that most upwardly mobile women will do That said, I think getting married without a prenup is really dumb for men and women, especially if you have anything at all when you wed. If you can't entertain the idea of your contract ending, you're not marrying for the right reasons
/r/PurplePillDebate11/09/20 10:38 AM
1

I mean, most major cities? Probably not that pricey if you don't drink alcohol, but every big city in the US I've been to has run about that for a fancy meal
/r/PurplePillDebate04/09/20 10:13 AM
1

Depending on the kind of person you're interested in, this is ideal, too. I'm really more of a dive-bar-for-tacos-and-tailgate person, so a $200 steakhouse would make me uncomfortable. I want to know the person I end up with is not super into food (which I'm not) low maintenance. Other people find this trait off-putting. It's about compatibility
/r/PurplePillDebate03/09/20 10:21 AM
1

And that's all fine, but it doesn't mean someone should settle for that, even kids who have moved out (who could move back, have grandkids that need care, etc). If one is willing to take that on, that's valid, but it's entirely reasonable to not want to take on someone else's kids, too
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 09:48 AM
1

Yeah. But increasingly that's a global thing. But yes seems like so many of my peers are quite fat
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:43 AM
2

And trying to power through fundamental differences is a recipe for disaster. It's only harsh if you are deliberately cruel in turning them down. But not wanting kids is a very valid reason to not date someone who has or wants them
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:42 AM
2

It's astonishing to me how many people overlook the big, foundational stuff. If they continue dating, it will end in resentment, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:41 AM
0

And I'd rather be single and wait for someone I'm compatible with than settle for a single parent, and the myriad of baggage that entails. Yes, most people have/want kids but I'd fewer people were repulsed by their own company, fewer people would settle for that which they truly do not want
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:36 AM
1

The slim part is huge. So so so many wo/men are fat by 30! And what's worse is that since I'm not, people warn me that it will inevitably just happen, or that I'm lucky to not he overweight. I think that my attractiveness is boosted my like 10x because I'm trim, thin, and will stay fit
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:33 AM
1

Same, but 40. I detest how many people warn me that Id have to settle for a single parent. I've always found awesome, ambitious, sterilized, baggage-free dudes when I was dating, and was able to marry someone who sees life the same way I do. I don't know why someone would take on kids if they didn't want to eventually be a stepparent. Nothanksonthat
/r/PurplePillDebate29/08/20 12:29 AM
1

While your comment is oversimplified, and you probably know more than a few women who left because "i'm just not haaaaapy!" I don't really disagree. Though, married men do have advantages that dating/ single ones don't I think anyone who marries without a prenup is a fool, and anyone who voluntarily doesn't work to rely on a spouse is a fool, too. I wish that the contractual piece of marriage was more common, rather than "we're so in love!"
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/20 10:27 AM
1

true, the institution has many many problems, and no-fault divorce and the culture of peter-panning through life doesn't help. But overall, most people who aren't west-coast elites living with their BF claiming "we're practically married" would agree that marriage implies a commitment that dating does not. So do employers, financers, lenders, most social circles
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/20 10:24 AM
2

Indeed. I'm married and intentionally childless and I don't think it's unreasonable to think that my marriage, in the strictest sense of the word, isn't the preferred approach to marriage for the vast majority
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/20 02:28 AM
-1

Except that most of the people doing the opting out are incredibly mediocre. People, and IME many educated women, are woefully misguided on the league that they're in. And electively opting out is more of a soundbyte than a reality
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/20 02:26 AM
3

Because, despite increasingly popular theory, marriage is a different pairbond than dating. It's more secure, has more benefits, is better socially. And most wo/men want to maximize their lives and trajectories. Marriage is the best way to do that, despite the many flaws with the institution
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/20 02:23 AM
1

You think everyone deserves a chance in a relationship with anyone they date? I'm not saying that they should be dismissed as people, but as a romantic partner, it's not unreasonable at all imo. And while I agree that the big picture of this strategy does create castes and further division, it's not my goal in dating to solve society's social ills. Same deal with the west coast nimbys that you mention. You can want overall equality, and still want what's best for your child/ your own marriage. I…
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:53 PM
1

That's great, it is good to be fulfilled in life. So doing so, you can probably agree that debt for college isn't just some mystical thing that happens, or doesn't have to be, which too many young students think is the case
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:24 PM
1

True, but I'd you're consistently getting turned down for relationships for that reason (embellished or not), it could be simply that you're trying to punch above your weight. Turning someone down for a huge compatibility thing like career or future, is sensible, imo
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:21 PM
4

Well and education might not be a 1:1 with intelligence, but reddits blanket dismissal of its importance is irksome. It does show follow through, future planning, and dedication (for reasonably applied degrees earned without a shitton of debt). The people you meet in college pave the way, or can if you're doing it sensibly. And that's a type of intelligence, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:18 PM
1

Is elitism always wrong, though? People gravitate to people who are like them, and experiences/ money/ travel/ living standards affect nearly every facet of life. In a romcom, the guy/gal from the "wrong side of the tracks" can easily assimilate into a 5th avenue family, but in reality, overcoming those differences is really tough long-term. I am infinitely glad, personally, that I married someone with similar views on family and money, so maybe I'm just projecting. Or maybe the uncomfortable tr…
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:13 PM
0

And I have 2 master's with no debt, and am happy with my boring, but lucrative, accounting job. I kind of hate this idea that college is automatic debt. It doesn't have to be exorbitant debt that is "the system" fucking you so hard you'll be 45 before it's paid. Smart people are able to navigate financial hurdles and it bugs me that so many people don't seem to acknowledge that you can, in fact, get through a degree with no/little debt, and it speaks to other traits when people do/n't do so
/r/PurplePillDebate25/08/20 02:09 PM
18

Yeah no shit. Every tale I hear from women I know who have had casual sex is that it's risky at worst, and not satisfying at best. I know that plenty of women find this liberating, but hook-up culture is definitely not geared towards women's pleasure. Coupled with the baggage, risk of disease/ pregnancy, probable ill-aligned expectations, often bad sex.... Doesn't seem at all worth it
/r/PurplePillDebate24/08/20 01:34 PM
1

That's just statistics, though, no? I'm taller than 94.2% (percentage made up but probably close) of women so that makes sense to me. But I have met a lot of boyfriends at basketball events, which, much to the chagrin of the stereotype, has a taller crowd
/r/PurplePillDebate20/08/20 02:40 PM
7

Just the once, still am. That was an odd way to word that, but the dude I married after my years dating, were with guys like 3-5" taller than me
/r/PurplePillDebate20/08/20 12:29 PM
-1

Same experience. I am 6'F, and when I see couples that are that disparate in height, it doesn't look compatible, it looks... awkward. I think that a 2-6" difference is perfect, but then I've never met someone who truly towers over me. It looks funny, but I guess when you're 5'1", so many people dwarf you that it can seem more normal
/r/PurplePillDebate20/08/20 10:38 AM
3

Our preferences don't exist in a vacuum, and to examine why they came to be is important, IMO. I'm 6'F, and have done a lot of thinking about why I wouldn't date a guy shorter than me, but to say "that's just how it is!" isn't entirely accurate IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate20/08/20 10:36 AM
14

Because I always wanted to meet a person who is 7'-tall. I'm 6'F, and have always dated, then married, dudes about 4" or so taller than me. It's a perfect height difference, and I love being "that tall brunette couple" - I can't understand the appeal of someone who towers over me, but I've never really met any. It always looks a bit off to me when couples are that much different in height, and it doesn't seem physically compatible, but to each their own
/r/PurplePillDebate20/08/20 10:34 AM
5

I have a much different take on why I let men down gently. The ones in my league, yes, it's flattering. But that is far far from universally true, and so many men don't seem to acknowledge leagues. When I'm fit and nicely dressed and kept up, is is not flattering to be hit on and have sex expected because some dude who games 13 hours/ day in cargo shorts who is overweight and unhealthy, is "soooo attracted to me". Like, okay? Attraction should be a 2-way street, and too many people don't offer t…
/r/PurplePillDebate13/08/20 02:52 PM
5

What many guys don't realize is that, as a not fat not crazy woman, I can literally get sex any time. Offering it just isn't at all unique. Coupled with hookups being so so male-centric, it's just not an offer that interests me 99% of the time. But because men have to put in more effort to get sex, they seem to think that the offer is somehow flattering
/r/PurplePillDebate13/08/20 01:52 PM
6

I don't disagree. I don't really want to be friends with someone who wants to bang me that I turned down for sex. Because, to quote "When Harry Met Sally," the sex thing is already out there and the friendship is doomed. I've never had it work out, in my experience or observation, where the dude isn't secretly (or overtly) waiting for sex to become an option. Or, from the other side, the girl low-key treats him like a sexless boyfriend. I'd rather be friends with people where both parties are 10…
/r/PurplePillDebate13/08/20 01:48 PM
9

Ooh this is a good point and something I've seen so many times IRL. My BIL is Living with us after divorce from a gal that he seemed totally surprised by. The rest of us were like "oh, yeah, that makes a ton of sense, why did it take so long?!" Their incompatibilities were palpable from miles away, but apparently he didn't sense it till she said the word
/r/PurplePillDebate12/08/20 02:37 PM
1

Well women with options are largely opting out for many reasons, and money is only one of them. The women I know who are opting out of parenthood are doing so because they are seeing that the burden is mostly on them. The division of labor, even in otherwise equal marriages, isn't even kind of close for women. Especially those who don't want to rely on a man for their financial existence and opt out of working for years. Women whose sole goal is to reproduce are doing just that
/r/PurplePillDebate12/08/20 02:20 AM
1

With so many women content to live together without commitment, and many forgoing parenthood, coupled with debt and other drawbacks... I don't see the incentive for marriage for many men. Many of my single female friends don't seem to get how little they bring to the table, and can say the same about men but for different reasons. I don't think people your age and younger- especially the voluntarily childless- will get married in high numbers in coming years
/r/PurplePillDebate12/08/20 02:15 AM
3

When you devolve into coming home, eating, and watching Netflix, you're bound to opt out of hobbies and social activities, and many of the things that keep you physically and intellectually moving. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy that happens time and time again in relationships, and weight gain is one of the externalities
/r/PurplePillDebate12/08/20 02:08 AM
16

I also think that it's not just getting old that affects sex drive. Most women, IME, have reactive sex drives and when seduction goes away, so does sex. So for every "she doesn't put out anymore" I hear from men, I hear an equal and opposite "there is no buildup to sex, he expects a boob honk or dick out to do the trick". The difference isn't always in attraction or weight gain or age, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/20 12:04 PM
2

As in, want to fuck their personality? To me, ones personality can enhance attraction or reverse or kill it, but it's not a standalone that would make me want to fuck someone.
/r/PurplePillDebate05/08/20 03:00 PM
7

Not a chore, but it sure is easier, better, more natural, sexier to fuck someone that you're attracted to
/r/PurplePillDebate05/08/20 02:46 PM
10

Yeahhhh... My personality and goals and education are all great parts, but I don't want to get my personality fucked. Sex is really important, and chemistry/ scent/ compatibility/ personal style/ etc are incredibly important. I don't expect to be "hot" at 75, but I've got a lot of years left being fit and toned and feeling better than I ever have. To waste that is just giving up, and yeahnothanks on that
/r/PurplePillDebate05/08/20 02:44 PM
1

Exactly. And so women who consistently fuck mediocre lays are seeking validation and novelty more than sexual pleasure. And it's okay to see that as having more red flags than mother russia
/r/PurplePillDebate04/08/20 04:55 PM
2

Oh. I hope your selection process finds its way to attractive women past 30. Depending on what you yourself are offering, it is definitely possible, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/20 10:32 PM
3

I was around your age when I noticed the difference between people who took care of themselves and those that coasted by on luck and youth. So many wo/men are overweight and use tooant substances. The reality of my friends my age, 40, who are healthy and thin vs those who aren't, is predictably disparate in dating, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/20 10:16 PM
3

Of course not all anything is true. I've had wonderful experiences with men my age, 40+. And also creepy ones. But, overall, I'm a reasonable partner - financially secure, not overweight, have a job, and that seems to be all it takes. But there are trends and exoceito every set of data
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/20 09:55 PM
3

t’s reproduction, dude. Pls no! I had both of my tubes cut out to ensure this wouldn't be the case! Hah, jokes aside, sex can be whatever you assign to it. I'm married and monogamous and sex serves a LOT of different purposes - if we had to communicate our inner-most feelings each time... that'd be exhausting.
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/20 10:25 AM
1

Definitely noticed this. I also think a lot of neighborhoods gentrify and become "the hipster neighborhood" or "the family neighborhood" or "the working-class part of town" and that affects it. I lived in a super-hip-walkable-30-something part of a hip city in the northwest, and on Halloween, there was ONE kid. Trick-or-treating by herself. It was really sad, and I hope things are different in the 'burbs, but I think that Trunk or Treat and general "save the children!" attitudes are ruining it
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/20 10:22 AM
3

Now now... We're not better objectively, it's just a preference. I agree that it's more about compatibility. Perhaps I have never been dwarfed, but the times that I've met dudes 8"+ taller than me, it felt odd. I can't see why a 5'2" lady would want a 6'2" dude. But then again, I'm taller than most men so I can't relate
/r/PurplePillDebate31/07/20 02:26 PM
14

6'f and have only dated/ married dudes taller than me. They've all loved my height, and cited the physical compatibility as a huge plus. I do wonder if the affinity for tall men gets a pass when you're a tall woman, because I've literally never been shamed for it
/r/PurplePillDebate31/07/20 12:10 PM
10

Women are half of society, so perhaps a fraction needs to be clarified about who society, women, media, etc actually are
/r/PurplePillDebate31/07/20 12:08 PM
1

There are ways around it, if consenting parties agree to different stipulations. I understand the general principle, though - thank you for the overview
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/20 05:35 PM
1

Same. When I was dating, it was a positive, fair experience. Because I have a degree of introspection and didn't try to date losers. All my exes are lovely people, and I can't help but wonder about the screening processes and personal issues of people who have only 'unfair' experiences
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/20 02:46 AM
5

A harsh realization that so many of my friends my age are facing is: being overweight affects dating. It's not "shallow" to not want to date someone who prioritizes health (assuming you do). The difference my fit vs overweight friends face in dating is predictably disparate. Related: for fucks sake don't be so desperate to date if you're not ready. People repeat their same mistakes and take their broken self-loathing into dating and wonder why it doesn't work. I know there's timelines if you wan…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/20 02:40 AM
1

Interesting to include ovulation sex. Definitely a factor for me, but I have never been on birth control. I think that HBC affects our chosen partners and is having unseen externalities for attraction and pair bonding. And can have implications for marriages once it is stopped
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/20 02:32 AM
6

It helped me so much to just acknowledge the reality: it may, or may not be, ME. I have a slew of dealbreakers (vegetarian, natural early bird, pretty uptight, super close to my family, don't want to be around lots of drinking), and any of those are valid reasons to not want to date me. I've also met some lovely men who had something I just don't want to overlook - and their understanding made them lovelier. And that's okay! That's dating! Especially in the early stages, it should be a "fuck Yes…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/20 02:27 AM
2

IIRC, infidelity and elective prolonged unemployment are 2 of the contingencies. I will look after work and perhaps my husband will see me poking around our files and we'll have a laugh about it, ha
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/20 02:40 PM
1

I know probably more than most, working with estate planners and wealth managers. But I know about mine quite a bit, and as it looks from the POV of every state I/ he/ we have property in, have lived in, etc. We are happily married, and I think we'll stay that way, so I don't think about it daily. But the cynic in me also recognizes that no one goes into marriage planning its demise
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/20 02:07 PM
4

Anyone who gets married without a prenup, imo, is remiss. I work in finance, and the minute I started earning well and seeing the reality of divorce, I decided I'd never enter a marriage based solely on emotional connection or love. Luckily (or by design), my now husband agreed with me. But I will never understand people, especially men who are content with a wife who doesn't work, don't insist on protecting themselves in any contract they enter
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/20 12:20 PM
2

Weird, all the 30+ women I know who divorced wasn't for a particular person, it was for "traveling and career and adventure and finding themselves". You're right, though, the one 35+ childless woman I know who did so quickly tired of the novelty of the boyfriend after about a year
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/20 12:18 PM
1

But at least they won't be the problem of the guy they left by the time they are. My BIL just got divorced from a gal who, at 30, wanted to "find herself and have a good career" and whatever else. Be was pretty torn up for awhile, but after about 6 months, saw that her fleeting whims and ever-changing goals were a hindrance to any semblance of stability and upward mobility.
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/20 12:14 PM
1

But it doesn't have to, to the degree that we are led to believe. I'm 40f, and the number of time I've been told "just you wait! You'll gain weight at xyz age!" is baffling. I'm thinner and fitter than I've ever been, and while things like childbirth do contribute to getting fat, it's not inevitable for all
/r/PurplePillDebate23/07/20 11:15 PM
1

Read again, I never said it was on him. I agree that it's on the people who tolerate this when they want a relationship. I think it's all around crappy, and a symptom of people not taking time to work their shit out, both sides
/r/PurplePillDebate19/07/20 02:06 PM
5

I can definitely see this. I also think that it is, a lot of times, what women will tolerate for some perceived relationship. Even if, like my sister after five years, "they're dating because he's been burned in the past and too afraid to get into a relationship." So he gets all the benefits of a girlfriend with the convenience of a hookup, and she is somehow content with that, or pretending to be
/r/PurplePillDebate18/07/20 11:26 PM
1

It affects me when I was dating because our collective behavior changes the dating norms over time. Expectations of anal, hooking up being so male-centric, talking about marriage being taboo, and the myriad of other externalities that people have come to normalize does, in fact, affect the dating pool And I do think that preferences are fine, it can also be used to normalize a lot of bad sex, racism, pressure. And those types of things should bit be exempt from criticism under the guise of 'just…
/r/PurplePillDebate18/07/20 12:38 PM
1

You don't think any preferences should be shamed? IMO, some actions are deplorable, and they don't exist in a vacuum. So it's very reasonable, to me, to see the harm of some actions on the aggregate. Casual sex definitely affects collective expectations, and to see the many ills that it leads to, is reasonable, IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate18/07/20 10:29 AM
3

More women than men are consciously opting out of parenthood. By all tangible measures, parenthood is a bigger sacrifice for women than men. Personally, I know way more men who want bigger families than women who do. Anecdotal, yes, but I do think stats say the same
/r/PurplePillDebate13/07/20 01:38 AM
2

I think that's most people. Especially with the majority of Americans being overweight, and so many obese, how am otherwise attractive guy/gal is far less so
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 07:35 PM
6

I wonder how much of their not being attractive is because they got fat, though. With so many people (in america, anyway) being overweight or just comfortable deciding that getting fat just happens at whatever age, it's hard to tell who was once beautiful and who still could be if they weren't frumpy
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 12:22 PM
12

You touch on something that is overlooked in a discussion about being hot and or glowing up: weight. So many people are fat, and that's not attractive by most standards. I'm not super pretty, but at 40, being fit and toned has given me a definite advantage, attractiveness-wise, and earned me some choice words like self obsessed. So many people could "glow up" if there wasn't this idea that getting fat and frumpy and socially isolated just happens at xyz age
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 12:19 PM
1

I get it. I'm not beautiful, but I'm tall, fit, passable for white, plain enough to fit in nearly anywhere. I'm also 40 and the world is treating me a lot differently than it did 20 years ago. I have worked very very hard at cultivating something beyond looks, like being educated/ caring for my community/ having intellectual hobbies/ being funny and kind and smart. Some of my friends have not, and they are realizing that being hot doesn't last forever and it's interesting to see them get slightl…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 12:16 PM
1

That people get married without a prenup and merge finances/ houses with people they are dating is bonkers to me. But I work in finance and have seen it fail enough times to be cynical. I've been married for years to a guy who earns a bit more than me, but not by much - we keep our money separate for this, and so many, reasons. I'd never be content with someone who doesn't view money and marriage through a contractual lens because, to get married solely for "love" is a sure way to end up overloo…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:52 AM
1

Solid points. Having money alleviates so so much stress in life. And not being stressed is confidence. And confidence is attractive. I wouldn't date outside of my SES as a baseline (my husband now earns quite a bit more, but we started the same), and would never marry without a prenup. But there are ways to stack the deck in your favor
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:49 AM
3

Hell yeah I would! Then again, I paid for my infertility, permanently and irreversibly so. So not the person you're asking, but still made me chuckle
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:44 AM
2

That people get married without one is bonkers to me. I work in finance, married a guy from my same SES, and... the thought of not protecting us both is as foolish as driving without a seatbelt. I can Kiiiind of see it if you meet and marry at 20 or something, but if you have anything at all when you marry, I don't get the 'logic' behind not doing due diligence in every contract you enter, marriage included
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:37 AM
1

Have friends, take jobs, eat food, live life that reflects your socioeconomic status. Punching above/below your weight in terms of money, romantic partner or otherwise, will almost always end with ill-aligned expectations and logistical issues
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:35 AM
4

Same. I grew up in a working-class, stable family that didn't want for necessities. I am now working to retire by 50, think about money nonstop, work in finance, and value financial stability over most else. I've dated the truly wealthy elite, and those who were raised with 0 security or value on education... it always ended badly before I dated, then married, someone exactly financially aligned. Money matters, a lot. To ignore the many many many issues created by financial differences in mindse…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:33 AM
7

I agree fully. Definitely for people born into money, but also those without it, those who are self-made, new money, truly middle class. Why? Because money matters. A lot. It touches every facet in life, affects your food/ travel/ living standards/ friend group/ hobbies/ politics/ charitable activity. Not to mention is cited, ALWAYS, in the top 4 reasons for divorce. Differences in money and financial mindsets are only cute in romcoms where the rough-and-tumble-starving-artist guy/gal suddenly m…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 10:30 AM
1

Okay. I definitely see it differently, so different starting blocks there for sure Some rare dealbreakers of mine are: taller than me (I'm 6'), no kids now or ever (increasingly common, still rare), I've been a decades long vegetarian so that has to be okay, conventional views on dog ownership (not bring it everywhere or sleep with it), okay with a big family that drops in, similar/ compatible hobbies (football, guns, not too outdoorsy). For me, those things are part of the bare minimum, but peo…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 02:34 AM
2

I'm 6'f, and rarely dwarfed, so maybe my axiom varies, but significant height differences are a hindrance. I've only met like 3 dudes who were 6'7"+ and it seemed really weird to me to feel so Small. Again, since I'm not used to it, my experience differs, but I never did get the desire for a dude so much taller
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 02:07 AM
5

My minimum is my maximum, because I'd rather be alone than settle. Normal (well, hopefully normal) things like shared values, communication, etc., Of course. But I have a lot of obscure/ rare dealbreakers and I'd rather not date than date for the bare minimum
/r/PurplePillDebate12/07/20 02:03 AM
1

But "basically married" isn't married. I know a lot of people say it's just a piece of paper that changes nothing, but, so is cash and my American birth certificate. Semantics and titles matter. I agree it's a definite risk for men, and would not blame the majority of men for just living with a GF and not committing
/r/PurplePillDebate26/06/20 11:46 AM
14

Then again, neither do many women. With so many women content to live together without commitment, or "see where it goes," or hook up or be 'cool with casual'... The incentive to commit is pretty diminished. And I can't blame men for not wanting to commit when so many women are content to forgo it
/r/PurplePillDebate26/06/20 10:50 AM
0

And women are increasingly okay with non-married pairbonds. I think that cohabitation without commitment is largely negative, especially for women, so my axiom is skewed. But there is less incentive to commit if your GF is happy to just cohabitate. And many men are content to live with their GF through their 20's and delay all those "5 years from now" conversations
/r/PurplePillDebate26/06/20 10:46 AM
0

Most people want compatibility, but the mental effect is definitely thwarted and changed by sex. So it's far easier to mistake chemistry for compatibility, in my observation
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/20 04:34 PM
7

And thus the rationale behind judging promiscuity. If you feel physical, then emotional, attachment with many people of varying degrees of intensity, how do you form lasting bond with one person, of at all?
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/20 04:01 PM
2

Eventual drama, indeed. I think most people are far more emotional about sex than we are led to believe. IME, I've never seen the form truly serve the function for the agreed-upon amount of time. Even when both parties claim to want something casual, feelings and entangled emotions always are a factor
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/20 02:21 AM
11

This is my thought, too. In a stale marriage, women are more likely to note that "he doesn't talk to me/ we don't connect," where men are more likely to note that "sex has dried up/ she doesn't jump my bones anymore". So to grab at the thing that is (overall, IME, and of course with exception) lacking is a slap in the face to each respective person
/r/PurplePillDebate19/06/20 02:15 AM
3

Omfg. Woosh indeed. My bad, but whatev
/r/PurplePillDebate17/06/20 05:52 PM
0

Or do. It's okay to shame things that you think are problematic. Not to a specific persons face if it doesn't affect you, but talking about views on things like that is what this sub is for
/r/PurplePillDebate17/06/20 05:38 PM
1

Gotcha. Hope things continue to go well far past the honeymoon and dating stages - well wishes!
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/20 08:39 PM
1

I agree that nuance exists, but there are also universal red flags, too. I've heard a lot of couples excuse toxicity because "that's just how we are!" and I think it can lead to some definite problems
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/20 05:38 PM
1

May I ask how long you have been together? Are you married or dating/ living together, or..? Either way, sounds healthy and happy. I can't stand when people do the whole "marriage amirite" thing because it's clear that the issue is not with the institution as a whole, in most cases. My marriage sounds a lot like your relationship and I've never had issues with men wanting to commit, up to and including marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/20 05:37 PM
1

No. I'm not. At all. If anything, I could lose a few pounds and still be very healthy... But that's the exact kind of thing that I mean: people say that to me, a lot.
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/20 08:58 PM
0

Same here. I think there is an evolutionarily likely reason for it, too. And what's worse, in the US anyway, is that everyone is so fat that most people don't even know what normal/ healthy weight looks like. I'm 6'F, 145# and get called skinny all the time. It's really a hard thing to navigate IRL, when people have such bizarre views on health and weight, too
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/20 05:58 PM
3

For me, yeah, pretty much. I work hard to stay fit and trim, and enjoy an active lifestyle. I weigh, at 49, what I did in college and am not interested in being with a partner with disparate views on health as me
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/20 05:52 PM
2

And that's fine if you're willing to forgo the many benefits of marriage. But if you and your BF are one of those couples that's "practically married" and try for the same cultural, familial, professional, social benefits of marriage, that becomes a different pairbond and probably worldview than most people buy into
/r/PurplePillDebate14/06/20 12:28 PM
2

I met my now-husband at 29, married at 31. We are in our 40's now with money (he was doing slightly better than me when we met, but now we are both earning well) It's true: money makes people more attractive. Our clothes, food, comfort, exercise routine, wine, cars are better. But I can't picture why he'd want to date me as he currently is, when I was not on the same level - are people really okay with such economic disparity? It's attractive, in part, because we've earned wealth together and ar…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/06/20 10:45 AM
3

Goldfish Syndrome. The less you do, the less you're able to do. And, over time, not having external demands decreases your ability to meet them later on
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 03:05 PM
2

That makes sense. Then again, you kind of sleepwalk into happiness with the status quo when you have fewer options. And I resent that I feel that women without financial independence are mooching or "less than." Years in the American workforce has taken its toll
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 02:20 PM
3

True. Most successful men aren't willing to marry a woman whose 'goal' is to not work. Successful men tend to have wives who can keep up socially, which many women who don't work, eventually, lose. There is just so much risk to not having at least some employment history and earning potential, for men and women, than people are increasingly unwilling to hedge those bets
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 12:23 PM
4

I wonder how many women with options or external ambition are willing to do that, though. Most educated women aren't like your cousin, and strive for something beyond staying home. I wonder if she will feel unfulfilled at some point
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 12:18 PM
11

I'm a married woman, good salary, job security as an accountant. And I agree. With 2 incomes, I don't need to make a shitton, nor do I have any desire to climb the ladder more than slightly. I work longer hours the first week of the month, but otherwise love that I can leave my job at the door, not let it ruin my weekends, and enjoy my life. I'm pretty driven in other ways, but just want to enjoy my marriage and youth and free time, rather than die a successful finance guru who will be forgotten…
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 12:16 PM
18

And some of the smartest people I've known have been highly educated. Like all groups, there's variance. And while exceptions exist, there is still the unavoidable truth in the US: formal education in applied fields yields higher incomes. And while attaining a degree doesn't guarantee intelligence, doing so in a reasonable timeframe and with a sensible (not crippling) debt, shows follow through and concern for one's future
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 10:48 AM
5

Yeah... I am quite a cynic, and don't even disagree with many of his points. But I can't help but wince when people have so clearly chosen bad relationships, partners, situations repeatedly and then assign their experiences as universal.
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/20 02:19 AM
1

Ah. That's good. 8 years is a long time to date before committing, so hopefully nothing drastic changes when he proposes. Well wishes to you and your BF - thank you for sharing your perspective and experience
/r/PurplePillDebate25/05/20 03:56 PM
2

Word for word, this is why my BIL is living with us. She's too dim to actually saddle him with her debt, and just wanted out after 3 years because "I was too young when we met" (read: she got a hip job in a hip city and wants to be in debt to do hip things and travel, rather than be financially secure). Financial compatibility is a huge indication of overall compatibility, IME, and is woefully overlooked.
/r/PurplePillDebate25/05/20 02:22 PM
2

Shallow? Money affects everything, its about compatibility. Yes, if you have $75K in debt, it's a little unhinged to not date in your financial league. But for those who value Financial stability, it is entirely wise and not shallow to not date or marry someone with exorbitant debt
/r/PurplePillDebate25/05/20 02:20 PM
2

Does your boyfriend have any reason to doubt your ability to pay it off? Are you financially aligned? Did you live together before you/ he firmly decided to get engaged, or was the upcoming engagement a product of cohabitation? I work in finance and am super clinical about money, and have seen it rip marriages apart. So I'm always fascinated by people's tolerance for debt and/ or financial alignment
/r/PurplePillDebate25/05/20 02:15 PM
1

I just find it interesting. Not sure of your age, but at 40 with friends in dating relationships, marriages, second marriages, divorces... Many of the people who 'changed their minds' about something pivotal fall into one of 2 categories. Not saying that you and your BF do, just that, well, I find it interesting when people change their minds on big things like marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 06:33 PM
1

Oh. Interesting. Well wishes to you and your BF if you do commit, I hope his mind stays in the favor of marriage/ marriage with you
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 06:06 PM
1

Have you ever tried warning someone against their SO, or getting married, IRL? I had some grave concerns about my BIL when he got engaged. I was correct, and they divorced for reasons I saw coming, but .. in the moment, no one listens to outside assessments of their relationship
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 06:04 PM
1

I hope it works out, but convincing someone or having them change their mind on a fundamental worldview can lead to some negative externalities. Well wishes if he does decide that he wants to legally commit
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 06:01 PM
2

Then why not 10 years dating, 10 years engaged? Why that timeframe of dating, intertwining lives, probably living together? What could change in 5+ years regarding compatibility that wouldn't be apparent in, say, 2-4 years?
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 05:54 PM
2

I'm biased, but any time I've heard of a couple dating for years and years without commitment, it's one party dragging their feet and the other talking themselves into it. I just don't see what could possibly take 10+ years to decide if you want to commit, and being logistically intertwined that whole time. It's a bias of mine for sure, but it's very confusing to me
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 05:52 PM
1

Maybe better, or maybe better at faking since the repurcussions are harsher for women who don't social cue as well as many
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 05:45 PM
2

I think I've been working in finance for too long, because all the women I know, including myself, are really practical about marriage. I offered my husband a prenup, earn similarly, am more formally educated, etc. People who can't see the logistical and financial considerations of marriage, and just go by emotions, tend to get married "because we love each other" and divorced 4 years later because "we grew apart"
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 05:43 PM
2

Nope. Probably not, anyway. With so many women willing to live together without commitment, and the many other risks and factors, I don't see the point for most men. To the point that I offered my husband a prenup. The risks and rewards are higher for married men, in my observation and career in finance.
/r/PurplePillDebate19/05/20 03:58 PM
1

Agreed, and have experienced these things, too. And it's really interesting to me how it was both so subtle and so palpable. And yet, couples who are dating, even for years, kind of subtly acknowledge the difference, because they often come up with different titles for their relationship. But it's been my overall experience, as well as all my married friends' that marriage changes things - thanks for sharing your experience, I think that many married people share it
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 04:19 PM
1

Yep, there are considerable benefits to marriage that don't exist in dating, without a lot of forethought. For better and worse, marriage is a far more tangible tie to your partner than dating. And IME, the only people who contest that are years-long couples dating who don't get married for whatever reason
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 03:07 PM
1

No. I think that it's not either/or. But all things equal, yes, I think marriage is more of a committed pairbond than dating. All things unequal, dating partners can be more happy and compatible than married ones. Your flippant sarcasm really helped me see your side and discuss with you, though. Cheers
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 12:36 PM
1

I've never personally known someone to deny that labels matter IRL, unless they were a years-long girlfriend who wanted to equate dating to marriage for whatever reason. So I'm biased there, but I do think that things matter whether people personally assign value to them or not because people are communal creatures. But thank you for your reply and perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 12:22 PM
1

I agree with your MIL. The title upgrade from GF to wife was hugely tangible. For our neighbors, our jobs, my take on the relationship, car rentals, and many other small and large things. And if it didn't matter, couples who have been together for years wouldn't try to come up with titles like SO, better half, partner, etc. Because on some level, they acknowledge that marriage is a different pairbond than dating or living together And for the couples who truly "don't care what society thinks of …
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 10:56 AM
2

Yeah, I'm 40 and never once had it. So I'm a bit differently wired. But it seems that it would come about way way sooner than 30+ if it is, in fact, a biological thing and not a social or existential one.
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 02:28 AM
3

Except the biological clock ticks way way way earlier than mid-30's. The socio-biological clock ticks around then when it's about too late. It wouldn't benefit the species if the clock ticked that late. I do have to wonder what the externalities of such delayed motherhood are going to be as these parents age and have kids at 35+ being the norm
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 02:25 AM
8

You touched on, IMO, the biggest thing in aging attractively: weight. It's amazing how ~35 is a palpable difference in those who took care of themselves and those who coasted by on youth. It's the uncomfortable reality that encapsulates the difference in luck that my 35-40 year old single friends have in dating
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 02:19 AM
1

Definitely this. My BIL is living with us after being divorced by this woman. Filed a month after 30 after married for 3 years, and having dated for 7 prior. Now she wants to work on herself and was too young when they met. I think she's in for a very ride awakening regarding finances, dating when you're not 20, debt, and people's baggage. My BIL will be just fine when he recovers, but I think women who do this are going to be hit hard
/r/PurplePillDebate30/04/20 02:10 AM
1

Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective!
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 09:11 PM
3

Or both. It's a mindset thing, too. Most upwardly mobile people don't want to be a 45-year old "girlfriend" (partner, SO, better half, whatever term they use to try to equate dating to marriage) and raising their BFs kids. And there is peer pressure within those circles to marry, too. Chicken or the egg
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 08:10 PM
2

So is the problem with the institution itself or people sleepwalking into marriage with these types of women? Almost all the men I know IRL who say sentiments like yours just chose wrong and were left behind by women who wanted to go "find themselves" after 3-5 years of marriage, which only happened after 5-7 years of dating
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 08:07 PM
1

I am married and agree with you. I think that marriage is far too focused on romance, and far too little on logistics. I can't believe that anyone who gets married after ~25 doesn't have a prenup. I don't think my husband will ever need ours, nor do I, but I also think it's absurd to not acknowledge the many pitfalls of divorce and logistical hurdles it can entail
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 08:04 PM
1

There are over 1,000 benefits that come automatically with marriage that don't with dating or living together or partnering. Not to mention that, falling out of favor perhaps, we in the US still have puritan roots, and the title matters. There are social, cultural, familial, financial, logistical, professional, arguably emotional benefits in marriage. And while the "just a piece of paper, my BF and I are as committed" group tries to equate a dating relationship to a marriage, most people acknowl…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 08:00 PM
3

And more educated, more upwardly mobile people get married at higher rates. And round it goes
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 07:55 PM
1

Because marriage is a piece of paper the same way that cash and my American birth certificate are. Paper can hold power, and marriage is certainly a different pairbond than dating or living together. I know that they come up with many titles like "partner, SO" etc. But marriage implies a permanence that dating or being together do not
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 07:54 PM
12

Or not, though, depending on your definition of older. I'm 40f and my libido is quite high, as is my confidence and free time. Things ebb and flow in a marriage, but the idea that a certain age means that you get fat and frumpy and disinterested in sex, in my experience, is not accurate
/r/PurplePillDebate29/04/20 12:23 PM
2

Doesn't it also correlate more strongly with your upward mobility vs location? The correlation is pretty clear, IIRC, for women's options vs. number of children. But if getting married and having kids is all a woman can hope to 'achieve' in life, it makes sense to do it younger.
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/20 10:39 AM
3

Most people think big age gaps are weird too. Enter the person who always replies with the exception. "Me 24f and my BF 38m, have a ton in common! I sought him out, and since I'm an old soul, we really don't notice the age gap!" Exceptions don't overwrite trends. It's almost textbook, the issues with emotional development, financial factors, life experience, etc. in relationships with a huge age-gap. And if there are not those issues, and a guy who is 40 can truly relate to a 20-something, that'…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/04/20 10:35 AM
2

Totally. And everyone likes to think that they are "different" or whatever, and it hurts to see when it's someone you care about
/r/PurplePillDebate21/04/20 03:19 PM
3

Right?! The perception of fat is absolutely baffling to me. To the point where I wonder if I'm disorded. I am 6'f, 145# and could stand to lose 5#. And I can name like 3 people I know IRL who couldn't stand to lose a few pounds. And yet, the 3 objectively thin people I know, including myself, get dismissed as "lucky" for being thin. It's so backwards how my peers view weight
/r/PurplePillDebate21/04/20 10:56 AM
1

Indeed. And yet, so many women settle for this type of "seeing each other but not together" nonsense. Or move in with no promise of commitment, then spend years waiting for a proposal. I wish that voicing one's needs wasn't so demonized or seen as "crazy." Even if casual sex were, overall, good physically for most women, I could see it being an appealing option, but from all the stories I hear, it's super just.. not
/r/PurplePillDebate21/04/20 10:47 AM
1

That's been my observation, too. A dude at work has admitted that he and his GF of a few years were really just coasting by, and this whole thing exposed the cracks. And I think his story is microscosmic of many faltering/ shaky relationships. I think the divorce/ breakup boom will be bigger than any baby boom in a year or so
/r/PurplePillDebate21/04/20 10:43 AM
1

True indeed about a fantasy land but.... The other side of it is the more depressing possibility, that they really can't do better. Because they have accepted this for so long that their self esteem is wrecked and they don't offer or seek more. So they think this type of thing is normal, even when it's been 2 years and they have never met their "boyfriend's" roommate
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/20 07:15 PM
3

Always with the "outside our control" thing as a reason why they are ill-fated lovers, but totally compatible. That's my sister and this dude, too. Then the next thing you know, it's nothing but "all relationships take so much work!" and "he really does bring out the best in me, not too many people would put up with me!" Like, wat. No. He's just convinced you over the years that you're lucky to have these tiny crumbs of affection from him Makes me sad. For both of them. And your friend, too. And…
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/20 06:10 PM
22

This is my sister. She's been "seeing" or whatever this guy for like 5 years. They are both 35+, so not college kids. He doesn't call himself her boyfriend, is never at family stuff, they have broken up like 4x, he's moved in then out, she jumps at his every command, talks herself out of wanting marriage to keep dating/ talking to this guy.... It's a weird thing how many people settle for this type of thing. One of the externalities of casual dating/ hookup culture, and it's really pathetic to w…
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/20 02:35 PM
2

more than people who are married or in an LTR. I'd say happy marriages or relationships. For people who were coasting along, or on the verge of breaking up, or in a dead bedroom, I can see this being a really big strain. At best. Cynical perhaps, but I think the divorce/ breakup boom in 10 months will be greater than the baby boom
/r/PurplePillDebate20/04/20 11:43 AM
2

That is what I thought, too. I'm 6'f, and have been described that way a lot. Then again, I have good posture and am usually an insufferable bitch, so, could be one of many things
/r/PurplePillDebate09/04/20 10:25 AM
2

Opposites attract but they don't stick together. All the couples I know who tried to overlook politics, worldviews, money, and the biggies are now either divorced or not very authentically 'them' in their relationship. It is so so much easier to compromise on small things than foundational ones, and politics reflect those aspects
/r/PurplePillDebate08/04/20 12:16 PM
2

IME, this is why more and more young women are opting out of parenthood. The sacrifice is largely on women, physically and otherwise, even in fairly equal marriages.
/r/PurplePillDebate08/04/20 12:12 PM
1

Same here. I'd worry about someone without baggage, frankly. I won't date anyone with kids, which dwindles my options, but hell, I'd rather be alone than settle. Which makes it easier that I don't but the idea that my life was over at 35 and my attractiveness is no more at 40
/r/PurplePillDebate08/04/20 10:48 AM
0

Perhaps it's common, but not inevitable. In the US, so many people are fat, and that ages you horribly. To the point where people think that getting fat and frumpy and boring is just a thing that happens. But if you can stay fit and thin, eat reasonably well, not smoke, avoid the sun... It really doesn't take millions to age nicely
/r/PurplePillDebate08/04/20 10:46 AM
4

I'm 40, weigh what I did in college but more toned, fitter, richer, better, smarter, more confident, more accomplished... This idea that 30/ 35/ 40 is some age where you get fat and frumpy and socially isolated is ridiculous, IME. Most people who say that are living in ways that foster that mindset. But I personally have never felt better, and would only date 40-somethings at this point
/r/PurplePillDebate08/04/20 10:44 AM
1

Is marriage important to either/ both of you? How soon into dating did you move in together?
/r/PurplePillDebate07/04/20 12:15 PM
1

Are you guys married? How long did you date beforehand, if so? Do you plan to, if not?
/r/PurplePillDebate07/04/20 12:14 PM
2

That's reasonable from that POV, and I'm glad you and your girlfriend are on the same page. I hope you guys continue to align, whether you use dating or another verb to describe your pairbond.
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 03:25 PM
3

Exactly, and a lot of dating couples do resort to just using spouse. Their choice, ofc, but a tad misleading IMO. And I do understand that place and culture changes the definition, and that I'm biased being in the US
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 02:28 PM
1

Then why not just call her your girlfriend, if brevity is the issue? Because you want to imply a permanence and commitment beyond dating, I assume? And that's fine, if you and your girlfriend/ mother of your children both feel like opting out of said protections in the event of a split up, then your obligations are no different than in dating. I just do not equate dating/ living together with marriage, so to me, it's a fals equivalency to say that it's the same pairbond by choice as marriage is …
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 02:08 PM
2

And why call her a wife at all if he's against marriage? For better and worse, marriage is a different pairbond than dating/ living together. Opting out of marriage is fine, but then it's only fair to opt out of all the financial, legal, professional, logistical, social, cultural benefits if it, too
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 10:48 AM
2

Ah. Okay. Slightly different axioms, then. Thanks for sharing your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 10:42 AM
1

Agreed! It's a pity that being married is seen as the ultimate status, while being single is something to be pitied. I think after a divorce, people should be single for a long long time, lest they make the same (or interestingly, complete opposite) mistakes in a partner. Tale as old as time, and people don't work on themselves enough after divorce
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 10:36 AM
3

And how can you know if you are able to love someone long term? You don’t, nobody can predict the future No, but you can turn the odds in your favor. It's not a total crapshoot, there are elements of compatibility and commonality, but too many couples get married or stay miserable for years because "all marriages take work." I'm sorry about your rough patch. I don't know its nature, but i do know that the world is changing and challenging us in unprecedented ways. I live with my spouse and BIL, …
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 10:34 AM
3

Do you think anyone who gets married thinks he is going to get divorced? That's the point. People are incapable of even predicting their own future Logical people do. I am very happily married, and think that we have a pretty good shot at staying that way, but... I got a pre-nup. I talk candidly about our relationship often when we do things like big purchases (money largely separate). And I do agree about getting married too soon, which we objectively did - 19 months to the day of meeting. I do…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/04/20 10:32 AM
6

Exactly: you are the exception. And I'd apply that to my own worldview, too: I got married very very early on in my relationship. We were in our 30's and established, which helps make it not so ridiculous, but.... it's still not objectively smart for couples to marry after a year and a half. I'm glad that it is working out for you and your spouse. Just like it can work out that a guy marries a lady with a high N-count or otherwise sketchy past. But I also think it's smart to acknowledge that exc…
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/20 01:03 PM
7

Except that, if it wouldn't have worked out, you'd claim that "I always knew it was a mistake." People, myself included, rewrite their own history based on bias and outcomes. Though that version isn't romantic
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/20 10:05 AM
2

Is that an unreasonable conclusion, though? Why would it be different for the proverbial "me" when it hasn't been before?
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/20 02:19 AM
6

To the point that many friendships devolve when the commonalities diminish. Weight loss, marriage, kids, college, promotions... It's nice to think that these things won't affect a friendship or relationship, but they do, frequently
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/20 02:18 AM
10

Exceptions exist, but so do trends. I'm glad it's working for you and your spouse, just like getting married 19 months to the day of meeting is working for me. Doesn't mean it's objectively solid advice
/r/PurplePillDebate28/03/20 02:15 AM
3

Except there's more to "best" than just a binary thing. Women, overall, need more than "good dick" to get there. For men, it's much more technical and straightforward. But how many women marry their "best lay" only to lose sexual interest at some point
/r/PurplePillDebate09/03/20 10:51 AM
13

Agreed. I definitely think that it goes both ways, tbh. I do think that women and men fuck differently and have different needs, so if one person is going to lose sexual interest, it will be the woman. But for every "she doesn't put out" complaint I hear, there is an equal and opposite "he doesn't try to seduce, at all" comment. Cohabitation changes the nature of sexual desire. And to be aware of that, and that men and women fundamentally fuck differently... it can be avoided. But my patience we…
/r/PurplePillDebate09/03/20 10:43 AM
1

I have observed, not made up. People tend to gravitate towards people who are similar to them But yes, that's mostly my anecdotal experience.
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 06:30 PM
1

Absolutely. I earn a bit less than my husband, and we keep everything separate (for many reasons, not just that). Seeing as money is in the top 4 reasons for divorce, always, it makes sense to be very practical about it. That said, financial and cultural and familial and logistical and social and arguably emotional... dating is not the same pair-bond as marriage. So in assessing who is marrying whom, I don't think that dating relationships really equate to marriage, because of the risks and othe…
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 10:52 AM
2

In my experience. I agree that it's more values than interests, but both reflect and tie into each other
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 03:42 AM
2

Though, dating for a few years =\= marriage. Most people date a variety of people from various walks of life, but when it is marriage, the stakes and stats and outcomes are different, and overwhelmingly, the pendulum swings to the middle where people marry someone who is aligned with their SES
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 03:39 AM
2

I, too, married for love. But after dating around and watching the majority of un/successful marriages unfold, I think that, bluntly, it's far easier to fall in love with someone you have a lot in common with, status and lifestyle included. IME, situations like yours are more the exception
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 03:36 AM
4

Dating for less than 2 years is not the same as marriage, though. I think that it's a different pair bond when you're dating vs when you are married, and most people marry someone in their SES, though they may date outside of it
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 03:32 AM
4

This is the biggest disparity I see, not the money itself, but what it can/ does represent. Your social circle, food, travel, intellectual pursuits... All influenced by money and earning potential. I'm an accountant married to an IT guy, and the commonality matters a LOT to me. We have the same social and financial mindsets, and over time, not having those in common, IME, is a death sentence in a marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate08/03/20 03:27 AM
4

My being good at, or at least advantaged, at basketball is not related to my being 6'F. Or my being a good accountant is not reflected in my overall organization in life. Oh wait. They are. Exceptions exist but so do trends. And I don't think it's unreasonable to see certain bodily patterns as linked to certain traits
/r/PurplePillDebate24/02/20 02:59 PM
6

True, yes. Every woman who dates an older guy is "mature for her age and an old soul," and every man who dates younger women is "young at heart." Except that... my niece is very mature for her age of 9, but there are things that you simply cannot know except with age. So while the 25f and 42m might have a lot in common, your 30's and late 20's are pivotal ages, in which you cannot know what you don't know. It's an inherent imbalance, unrelated to the individuals in the relationship
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 11:45 AM
1

this is part of it, for sure. I don't want kids, so when I was dating when I was 29f, and even now at 40, my timeline and needs in a relationship look far different than my peers who want kids. And it's not PC to say, and many people have kids at 40+, but... I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have them younger. Men and women. There's this idea that you have all the time in the world, but 35 is advanced maternal age, according to most practitioners. And while I can't relate, I also don't …
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 11:41 AM
3

I find most women my age look much older than me This is a big part of it. I'm 40f, but weigh what I did in college. I'm fitter, trimmer, richer, more healthy than I was at 20-something, and can afford the upkeep to age gracefully. Do I look 27? No. Not even close, I look 35-40 (which I'd say most people do look their age; the number of women "who look 24 at 35 and still get carded" is madness). But the number of people who give into this idea that wo/men get fat, frumpy, boring, sedentary at 30…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 11:38 AM
3

Gotcha. Those differences in life stage are ones he's already passed, but I hope those differences continue to be a solid enough foundation for a lasting relationship for y'all - thanks for sharing
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 03:16 AM
7

Same here. You can't know what you don't know at 25. At 40, I cannot picture what I'd have in common (income, education, standard of living, romantic experience, cultural references) with someone 10+ years younger. Just doesn't compute
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 03:11 AM
2

Rhetorical, perhaps, but the stats say the same. Most couples have a much smaller variance in age. The couples who are 44m and 25f and get along because they have tons in common and she's so mature, are the exception not the rule. Like attracts like
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 03:09 AM
2

"opposites attract but they don't stick together." People tend to gravitate to people who are more like them, than not. Age is far more than just a number, and with food reason. Mature or not, I could not have known at 25 the things I do at 40
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 03:05 AM
5

Exactly. Exceptions don't overwrite trends. So OP's BF might support her doing her JD, but, ultimately, his trajectory is far more set, and he will be on the sidelines while she accomplishes these things. I'm 40, and have money, time, a career, experience, friends with grown kids.. the idea of substantially relating to someone so young, to me, is problematic. I'm biased, admittedly. But to say age is just a number is just not correct; there are things you can only know with age, and I'm sure I'l…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 03:03 AM
2

Depends on the age you meet, IMO. 35 and 42, you can reasonably be in the same place in terms of careers and life path. But 17 and 25, to me, is about more than maturity. Those are pivotal years, and when I was 25, I could not relate to someone who has likely not lived alone, been through college, traveled... All the stuff you're doing in your mid-20's. I just can't see a reasonably well adjusted person having much in common, long-term, with someone with a generational difference
/r/PurplePillDebate19/02/20 02:58 AM
2

Which might not happen anyway. More and more people are opting out of child-rearing altogether, for various reasons. And planning a family around the prospect of grandkids is a really thin edge
/r/PurplePillDebate18/02/20 03:38 AM
2

And if it doesn't happen earlier than 40? Do you plan to forgo kids altogether, or have them older, or ...? Many of the people/ couples I know who waited that long are having a tough time in many arenas regarding their fertility
/r/PurplePillDebate18/02/20 03:36 AM
1

Exactly, exceptions exist but so do trends. And, overall, 35+ is considered advanced parental age with good reason. At 40, the number of women/ couples I know who bought into this idea of having tons of time, are having a harder time reconciling being childless or conceiving. Yes, mine is an anecdote, too, but I think this idea of waiting so long, if you know you want kids, is doing way more harm than not
/r/PurplePillDebate18/02/20 03:34 AM
2

Interesting to me that so many divorces are initiated by women, though. And yet, women overall want marriage more than men while the couple is dating. There's something behind that phenomenon, IMO, that is the reason that men are more loath to initiate divorce
/r/PurplePillDebate18/02/20 03:27 AM
2

I guess that entire idea that not having kids= having a void, and thus having a dog, to me, is really invalidating as someone who doesn't feel a void. And I've heard that idea from many people, though, and just can't relate.
/r/PurplePillDebate03/02/20 11:22 AM
0

I am, but from a rural farm area where pets served a purpose. We had farm dogs but they mostly stayed outside. I definitely reject this "pets as people/ children" thing that seems really common in the US right now. It's problematic on so many levels, IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate03/02/20 11:20 AM
2

I wonder about this. I have neither kids not dogs, largely for the same reason. But I gotta wonder why so many childless women seem to equate their dog to a child. It's an imbalanced worldview for me to reconcile
/r/PurplePillDebate03/02/20 03:37 AM
1

Sure, but nature programmed you to love and be patient with your own kid/s, and the option to not work to do that is very luxurious. Coupled with no external demands (aside from making appointments and stuff that everyone does), no dress code, no boss, no commute, non inelective meetings... I don't doubt that it's thankless and tedious, but harder than doing most those same things, in fewer hours, that a working parent does, is just not comparable to me
/r/PurplePillDebate25/01/20 03:02 AM
2

Yeah, I guess for me, having all day to pursue that kind of thing just isn't intellectually stimulating or a long term thing I could do. Having my life be one long weekend sounds really underwhelming and unsatisfying to me. I also think that relying on a spouse for all monetary needs is risky and creates a power imbalance in a marriage. But if you're content to forgo an income and profession for walks and self-care and your partner is content to fund that life, then it's great you're aligned. Th…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 05:06 PM
1

Ah, I gotcha. I'm glad that you have external demands to keep busy, and a supportive partner. Thanks for sharing your experience
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 01:29 PM
2

What does a full schedule entail? I have heard that a lot from people who don't work, and I always have a disconnect about what "busy" means so am curious how people fill a full workweek with 'other pursuits'
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 01:17 PM
1

Have you been in the thick of financial despair? I agree that, on paper, staying in a marriage for love is the only way, etc. But faced with the actual reality, far too many wo/men end up trapped and dependent and the reality is a whole other thing
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 01:16 PM
2

Sure, the tangible costs are huge. But there is also a cost to opting out of the workforce for years, the lack of intellectual stimulation, lack of networking, resume gaps, and the quickly changing fields that are hard to get back into. IME, there is more than just the cost of daycare that plays into opting out of working and the hurdles and earning potential of going back
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 12:06 PM
2

Yeah, I am baffled by that mindset... How can it be super difficult to do what most people do, ie keep a house? Except with more time and someone financing that path. It never computes to me when people claim that not working, and being fully supported by a spouse, is "hard."
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 12:00 PM
2

I think there is a vast difference between a non working parent and a non working spouse without kids. With kids, I definitely think the contribution is more tangible and valid, but can never understand what people who don't work or have any outside demands do to fill their time
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 11:59 AM
1

Do you have any external demands in the form of volunteering or groups/ clubs? Do you find ways to connect with your friends who work, if you have any, or do you tend to gravitate towards other friends who don't work? I am curious about it being satisfying, as I don't personally relate, so thanks for sharing your experience
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 11:57 AM
1

Non working spouses seem to hate that question, but... I have never understood the logistics of literally what they do all day. Your life is one big weekend? External demands make people rise up, if not a job then a definite volunteer path or something. But to just.. not work with little else to do all day? Houses don't get clean beyond a point, and most people manage on top of a job
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 04:07 AM
2

Except most working people have from 5PM-bedtime to do what a housewife has all day to do. Thankless, burdensome, tiring, maybe, but to not work and be provided for is a privilege. And fat from the hardest job, especially with no kids. I cannot wrap my head around it being difficult, since most couples keep a home in addition to working
/r/PurplePillDebate24/01/20 04:02 AM
18

My BIL is currently living with us because of a short lived marriage that only happened out of inertia and being together so long. Classic "might as well" marriage. Now, I'm pretty against cohabitation without commitment, and these types of Dynamics are part of the reason why. I'm not saying you have to marry after a year, but age depending, I will never buy the idea that it takes 5+ years to know if you want to commit
/r/PurplePillDebate14/12/19 05:30 PM
2

Overall, I do think that women do far more domestic labor. The other side is just this, though: a lot of it is self imposed, IME. I've seen it many times in my friends' marriages, where a lot of the domestic labor and chores and burdens of a household are because of her own standards - my friend just hosted Thanksgiving and was mad that her husband didn't help was the floorboards... Sorry, but that's not a requirement of hosting, nor is it unbalanced labor that he didn't see the point in that ta…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/11/19 02:49 AM
2

I don't expect women to, at all. And am a woman myself. I just don't agree with this idea that forgoing a meal or two is "starving oneself"
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 07:42 PM
2

Fair enough. Exceptions definitely exist, but so does the 96% of the curve which is far more common. And I think it's wise to keep that in mind when talking about fatness, personally
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 04:30 PM
5

Absolutely, I do. Frequently. I'm also nearly 40 and weigh what I did in college, and refuse to believe that starving oneself is the only way to not be fat, or that getting fat and frumpy is just a thing that happens
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 04:28 PM
1

Huh. Thanks so much for your contribution! Appreciate your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 04:27 PM
2

Sure. But being overworked and busy means it's easier to skip a meal or two. If it's just losing a few, then yes, it's pretty easy to do so. But this obsession with snacking, never feeling hungry or uncomfortable, needing constant calories to be healthy.... Yeah, your first point is true: there's a culture of fatness in the US, to the point where seeking health is often mocked
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 12:21 PM
6

But.. but... I eat 2 beans and a leaf per day, run 20 miles, and still can't lose weight!!! /s. I agree with you. Most people who "can't be fit" woefully underestimate what they eat, and overestimate what undoing that would look like
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 11:56 AM
4

Which isn't inherently bad. Fasting is a thing. In the US, I can't think of anyone I know who can't stand to "starve" ie skip a few meals, to lose a few pounds. It's not necessarily a harrowing act of self hatred to intentionally cut calories
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 11:55 AM
2

Right?! I'm 5'11" and 145#. I am reasonably fit, but... I could easily lose a few and still not be anywhere close to "skinny." I think we are so collectively used to having overweight be the norm that we can't really decipher what being technically "overweight" is.
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 11:52 AM
0

Average doesn't mean it's not fat. And there is a disparity in sizing here because I'm 5'11" and weigh 145# and am also a size 4 or 6. I am reasonably fit and trim, but I think 5 more pounds and I'd consider losing a few. Frankly, I think that we are collectively so used to seeing fat people and having overweight be called healthy that our axioms are thwarted
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 11:48 AM
2

Not at all. But the topic is weight gain and fatness, it isn't unreasonable to share our collective thoughts. And while cases like your friend exist, let's not pretend that it is far from the norm. In the US, most people are overweight, and not from lupus. And for those who aren't fat, the internet critics go both ways
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/19 11:43 AM
3

I know it's not at all PC to acknowledge and so-and-so celebrity or whomever had a perfectly healthy baby at 42, but the stats are very clear. Anecdotally, as I approach 40 and watch my friends my age struggle with infertility and the other risks of waiting till 35+, it's a little odd to me how many people deny that "advanced maternal age" means something in a medical sense
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/19 09:38 PM
3

The data says the same. Women with upward mobility and prospects for other ideas of success, have fewer kids later in life, and marry men with the same mindset. If a woman never has an opportunity or reason to leave her hometown or achieve things outside of a family, she will have more kids. The bell curve on this is very predictable, and seemingly accurate
/r/PurplePillDebate09/10/19 09:35 PM
2

Yep, same. I'm not saying that compromise and communication don't matter, but it's sure easier to do when you're fundamentally aligned. My husband and I have very similar energy, goals, needs, aptitudes, politics, so I just can't imagine effectively 'compromising' at every turn of my life
/r/PurplePillDebate03/10/19 10:58 AM
4

Absolutely, IME. Opposites attract but they don't stick together. All the successful, happy, long-term marriages I know of have people in them who are more similar than not. And aside from rom-coms, I'm not sure where the idea even came from that you can overcome incompatibility with your opposite because ~love~ And all the behavioral studies say the same: we tend to like people who are like us, romantic relationships and otherwise
/r/PurplePillDebate03/10/19 10:57 AM
4

Same. But the difference, for me, is I'm almost 40, with options and no biological clock. For women who want their own kids, the timing and stakes and standards are a lot different
/r/PurplePillDebate01/10/19 01:30 AM
5

I think as more women opt out of parenthood, it will become more common. I'm almost 40, childless by choice, and wouldn't date a guy with kids. Neither would any of the women I know in my boat who have also opted out of parenthood. For many reasons, people are forgoing child-rearing, and I think that will shift harder to dating options
/r/PurplePillDebate01/10/19 01:28 AM
8

Yeah, I'm really not sure what people have to gain by claiming that 'gender is a social construct.' Like, women and men are not the same. Of course, that doesn't mean that ALL women are x,y,z trait, and ALL men are a,b,c, but.... statistics and patterns hold in spite of exceptions to trends.
/r/PurplePillDebate29/09/19 01:25 PM
1

The only people who deny that, overall and with exception, men and women differ are the ideologically blinded by deconstructionist ideas that state that 'gender is a social construct' - tend to be academic types, IME. of course men and women differ. No, not all women are more empathetic, just like not ALL men are stronger than ALL women, but exceptions don't overwrite trends. Our hormonal makeup, brains, bodies, and yes, socialization, affect the distribution of behaviors and patterns for both m…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/09/19 01:23 PM
11

And it's funny how anal almost always means guy giving anal. An anus is an anus is an anus, it's not something that only one party can put stuff into. And yet, spicing things up almost always means effort, or sexual reception on the female partner
/r/PurplePillDebate26/09/19 04:40 PM
6

And also, it's easy to be adventurous when you're not in his self described rut. It's not that women's sex drives get stale (well they do, but not always the case), it's that familiarity isn't sexy. As you get comfortable, effort wanes, and I wonder how many of these dudes genuinely put effort into that which they seek.
/r/PurplePillDebate26/09/19 04:38 PM
2

Thank you!!! The relationship sub gets a lot of flak for hopping on the break-up train, but ... Have you read half the shitshows in there?! Most of them should break up, based even on the one-sided assessment of the issues. Yes, relationships take work (effort, really), but at their core, it shouldn't be ALL work, and the issues to solve cannot be fundamental disconnects. And if these issues are coming up in the literal honeymoon period, that's gonna be a bad time
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/19 02:09 PM
3

So, my BIL is about to start a divorce where literally all of us are admitting that we saw red flags at worst and incompatibility at best. And while someone should have spoken up, does that happen IRL? Like, any time I've heard of someone pointing out problems, it pushes the friend away more than makes the betrothed look inward. There has to be a medium, I just don't know what that is
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/19 02:20 AM
2

How long have you been married, and how old were you when you met? I married early on, objectively probably too soon, but I also wonder what research and anecdotes cite as the right amount of time to date before marriage - too long and too short definitely have their issues, IME, and age affects it for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/19 02:17 AM
5

I think that we are taught that since "all relationships take work," that means that we can power through fundamental disconnects. Yes, communication and compromise matter, but only on a foundation of compatibility. My BIL is currently living with us, and about to start a divorce where they communicated quite well, but the issues were about, oh, money, hobbies, family, pets, free time. Whereas our other BIL and his wife are a bit hot-headed, but their 'issues' are things like movie or show, gree…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/09/19 02:13 AM
3

Men prefer curves. Curves =/= being fat, despite how hard that tries to get pushed. Because generally, when you're x% overweight, you're not curvy at all. I'd like to see the actual breakdown, because IME, men overwhelmingly prefer thin women - a little extra, yes, or actual curves, sure, but not the typical idea of what "curvy" is
/r/PurplePillDebate15/09/19 10:48 AM
0

Isn't part of it, though, that your standards have risen? So delivering pizza in college is enough for $200/month apartment and a little fun, but as you move up, so do your expectations, and maintaining that can be the real drag
/r/PurplePillDebate15/09/19 10:43 AM
1

This is just it. Not working, and having someone to support you for decades, is a huge privilege, and something many women claim is a choice for their family. Well... Okay then, make that choice. But to be entitled to something for having not worked seems really unhinged to me. Yes, it sucks to have to rebuild, I get that, but that's part of the risk and alleged reward of not working to be a homemaker
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 12:56 PM
2

Or not, on grandkids. They are not a guarantee, at all. And as someone who is hiring in finance, there is no way we'd ever hire someone who has been making sandwiches for 10+ years and not building skills and connections. Skills and most fields don't work that way, at all, and far too many women who opted out of working learn that the hard way, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 12:51 PM
6

Literally empty, perhaps because no people = physically empty. But the more education and options a woman has, who can expect to achieve something besides reproducing, I don't agree. Or at least, I am extremely fulfilled by my childless life, as are all the women I know who opted out and did other things in life
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 12:48 PM
-3

she deserves. "Deserves," though? Did she not choose to opt out of working for years to rely on a man's income? Like, is it a choice, or is it not? I don't get that about people's views on SAHM's. We are hiring at my work (finance firm) right now, and it's really tough to see women applicant's with a years-long gap in experience (networking, skill building, office relations, and the other stuff that comes with a job). It's a tough thing to reconcile, and I don't envy women/ families where one pa…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 10:59 AM
3

Same, but about 32. Except that... I, too, was wealthy by my own doing. So I actually offered something besides youth - I had also become fitter and richer and more confident in those years. One big elephant in the room here is people's seeming inability to acknowledge leagues that they are in
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 10:55 AM
1

that's plenty of time to go to school and begin a career. Which is part of it, IME: many of my peers were Peter-Panning around till they were 35 and then realized that, 'oh shit, I still have debt, want a partner, need a career, etc' - and wound up behind the stage where having a kid after a few married years, even if the metrics are changing for what "behind" is. Really, the only way that much of this works is if people forgo children - because I did, I was happy to not marry till 32, after 10+…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 10:53 AM
3

Yes, and no, though. IME, there is definitely a reason some dudes are single at a certain age. But I personally loved dating at 30-ish - people were more honest and direct, lives were more established, etc. I don't want kids, and I think that affects my take on youth, age, dating, etc. But for women who do, they can't really "wait" too long, because, un-PC as it is, pregnancy is riskier at 35+ and that is a position I don't envy in other women, at all, is the need to choose younger and risk more…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/19 10:48 AM
6

I'm 5'11" and won't date someone shorter than me. yes, yes, it eliminates a sizeable portion of the male population, but I love tall dudes. Same with fat. Chubby is fine, but fat dudes are a no-go for me, but that's almost always an elective thing, so I'm less apologetic about that.
/r/PurplePillDebate01/09/19 10:51 AM
0

No I mean many many studies. And, to me, basic deductive reasoning. And with that words and character bit, comes their behavior, sexual behavior included. I personally cannot separate values from behavior, so difference in worldview there
/r/PurplePillDebate28/08/19 01:40 AM
1

Exactly. I'm not sure how it got thwarted that your past behavior reflects attitudes. Even if the behavior and attitudes have changed (ime, most usually when someone decides they want to settle down), it's still a relevant insight into who a person is or has been
/r/PurplePillDebate27/08/19 11:37 PM
2

Yeah, the accusation that it's "insecure" seems really straw-man-y and inaccurate. To me, insecure would be settling for someone I don't align with, and sleeping around a ton is definitely in my wheelhouse of deal breakers. Because it is telling, and it matters - to imply otherwise and accuse me of being "insecure" tends to devalue the things I assign to sex, like values, ability to commit, risk of disease, the need for novelty, social circle
/r/PurplePillDebate27/08/19 11:26 PM
0

Don't the stats say the exact opposite, though? That higher numbers of sexual partners are directly related to higher divorce rates? Or at least have problematic implications for future relationships, if it's not a direct predictor
/r/PurplePillDebate27/08/19 11:22 PM
1

Thank you for your perspective
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 01:59 PM
18

Happiness is a fleeting emotion, and people who think that that's all you need in life and marriage are almost always unstable or volatile in some major way. So I kind of don't agree with your premise, but thanks for sharing your perspective ITT!
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 11:14 AM
16

Except that attraction changes. And what's hot when you're carefree can suddenly and quickly become a case of playing mommy on 2nd shift in a relationship. I kind of get your premise, but I think you're overlooking how carefree types usually mature, and who is willing to commit to the truly carefree (read: usually in debt, always a next thing away from their true passion, not grounded, etc)
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 11:09 AM
5

Agreed about compatibility of hobbies. Because, over time, it's not just your hobbies, but your free time, friend group, charitable donations that hobbies can reflect. And while gaming is your gig, like college football is mine, I think there is a LOT of pressure on young women to have "cool" hobbies like that. I know far too many couples who started out with mutual hobbies, but as s/he matured, she realized that she doesn't like gaming as much as she thought and wants to pursue other things. Ho…
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 11:06 AM
1

Was the sexual component the major reason? Or was her being a virgin just the symptom, or..?
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 11:02 AM
6

It does kind of depend on your life-goals, IMO. People who are content to stay in their hometown, marry by 23, have kids, and get jobs, IME, are far more likely to stay married/with their high school sweetheart. But for those whose goals include, or change to include, travel and education, it's a far taller order to stay compatible with your HS sweetheart
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 10:59 AM
3

I definitely think there's a "too soon" to marry (hell, I did it, and while it's worked for the years we've been married, I'm not naive enough to recommend it), but... I also think there's a "too long." All the couples I know who dated for years and years and then married, are either unhappy or divorced, and IMO, it's because they just kind of sleepwalked into marriage as a "next step" or social expectation. It's one of the risks of living together without a solid plan and timeline for commitmen…
/r/PurplePillDebate08/08/19 10:58 AM
1

And it's just such a tragedy to talk about, it seems. How many overweight people do you know and read about who are simply livid that their dating prospect won't date them because they are overweight? or compares weight in women to height? The alarming thing to me is just how young that so many people are getting fat - I am almost 40 and weigh what I did in college, despite the many warnings of doom: "just you wait! When you're 35/ get married/ graduate/ get a desk job... you'll pack on the poun…
/r/PurplePillDebate07/08/19 10:31 AM
0

Yeah, people get confused when they see my back, too, because few people have visible skeletons, which is partly my point - that doesn't make one too skinny, in itself I guess I can't relate because even at my weight, I could lose 5# and still be healthy. So I can't imagine being skinny at my weight and shorter than I am. To me, there's a lot of concern about being called too skinny, so I definitely react because I've rarely ever met a fellow American who was legit too skinny
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 06:44 PM
0

Nope, not even close to "too skinny." I am reasonably fit, and my spine and some bones are visible when I sit or lean certain ways. It's interesting that a doctor said to stop losing weight at your height and weight, that seems pretty healthy to me. But, then again, I'm not a doctor, just someone who thinks that we collectively don't really know what "too skinny" looks like in the US, and no amount of big bones or liking sports or being 'muscular' or any other factor can really change what wr pe…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 06:28 PM
2

No, I don't feel masculine. I prefer men taller than me . For various reasons
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:51 PM
4

Well a lot of women aren't 6'-tall, so, to me, it makes less sense to say ONLY 6'+ men if you're 5'2". But the 4 other amazons I know, yes, have only dated taller men. I feel this way either from nature or social conditioning, but that's a big topic to unpack
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:49 PM
3

I can see that they are objectively attractive, but not personally sexually attractive to me
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:44 PM
3

In my observation, yes, it's very taboo. Reinforced by how many fat people date - that means people either settle or distort their standards to reflect the masses. And everywhere I've lived (both coasts, Midwest, Southwest), the type and culture of fatness differs (Portland, yes, was fat acceptance women's studies majors, while Indianapolis was just Midwest-fat-is-normal types), but overall, I think most people don't see fat as the big deal it is elswehere or in other time periods
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:44 PM
1

And even our perception of healthy is thwarted. So many people in the US are overweight that some people can't even tell a healthy weight when they see it. I. 6'-tall and 145#, and.... Have been called "too skinny." A lot. Like, lol, no. But when the majority are fat, healthy looks skinny
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:39 PM
4

You mention something that is really common, yet super taboo to admit, somehow: being fat makes nearly everyone (except babies, probably) less attractive. I feel like my eyes just don't see really fat people as fuckable options. And even our perception of "really fat" is way distorted. It will be interesting to see how dating and attraction work as being fat becomes even more common
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:34 PM
0

Surely, though, there's a baseline of objectivity? And while not everyone will agree or be attracted to x,y,z traits, I think they can measure it, like, scientifically? IDK, that's just a theroy. Because, like you mention, and as a 6'-tall woman, even objectively attractive dudes want register for me if they are shorter than me. It's weird how attraction works
/r/PurplePillDebate06/08/19 05:31 PM
2

And I'm sure that guys like that could have nearly any woman they choose. But if you're that caliber of lady that a guy like that would seek out, then well wishes on your boating and Belize adventures. I've just never seen it work out as smoothly as that fantasy would have us collectively believe
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/19 03:26 PM
1

Agreed! Seeing as money issues are cited in the top 3 reasons for divorce, always... Being a financial and lifestyle equal to my partner is crucial for me. It's nice to think that money doesn't matter, but it does. A lot. And seeing as I'm from a farming family and more of a spaghetti on paper plates on the back porch kinda guy... Obscene wealth is not appealing to me
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/19 02:53 PM
2

I would. My husband and I earn similarly and have nearly identical standards in terms of quality of life and wealth expectations. It's nice to be able to relate to his family and experiences, and I don't want to be filthy rich - I've worked for estate planners and wealth managers for many years and that lifestyle comes with some very real baggage, feelings of malcontentness, and keeping up with the Joneses
/r/PurplePillDebate03/08/19 02:51 PM
19

That's been my experience, too. Men often think that if they were a woman, they'd be having sex all the time, or that wanting to do so is the only requirement. I've had so many guys tell me "you don't know how attracted I am to you!" like that alone should be how sex happens. Between the difference in wo/men's sex drives, coupled with the higher risks for women (everything from a selfish lover to being stalked), many single women I know just don't think that casual sex is worth it
/r/PurplePillDebate30/07/19 12:26 PM
3

It affects collective dating standards and expectations. Our choices don't exist free from others, and I think that's sometimes overlooked with the "you do you, it has no bearing on others" mindset. To put it in a kinda hippy way, we are all connected and our behavior affects our social circle
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/19 01:55 PM
1

I agree about being plated. And many men, when I was single, seemed to think that them wanting to fuck me was the only thing needed for a fling. It is fairly easy for me, a non-fat non-terrible-looking reasonably sane woman, to get sex. It's different for men and women, and so I don't think it's unreasonable to see the implications or outcome of sleeping around. Men aren't entitled to sex just like women aren't entitled to a relationship, and some people's inability to see that is a very blurry …
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/19 01:52 PM
4

I agree with you at face value. But the bigger picture, to me, is that just because someone chooses something doesn't mean it doesn't have implications greater than oneself. Yes, people can choose to sleep around, just like I could choose to eat ice cream for 5 meals a day. But that doesn't mean that our choices don't affect the collective, and I think it's risky when just deciding something implies that it should be free from judgment or scrutiny
/r/PurplePillDebate29/07/19 01:49 PM
2

This is in, in part, for me too. I think that men and women fundamentally have different needs in friendships, and I think that, at some point, a close female friend who he is constantly with would cross a line. Not necessarily physical, but a boundary or expectation of some type. Maybe I'm just way cynical, but I've never seen it not happen
/r/PurplePillDebate23/07/19 09:37 PM
3

Totally this. For me, it's about boundaries and the small, subtle blurred lines, rather than the overt breaches of trust. Personally, I have never seen a platonic friendship with 2 straight people of the opposite sex work out for various spins of the same reason. And I think those insidious lines are more dangerous than outright cheating that happens really fast
/r/PurplePillDebate23/07/19 09:31 PM
9

For me it's not about trust, it's about boundaries. Depends heavily on your views on gender, imo, but I'm one of those (antiquated, old fashioned, I've been called a slew of words for it) that just do not buy that gender is a social construct, and therefore don't think that men and women, long-term and successfully, can be true friends without issue at some point. The monologue in "When Harry Met Sally" describes it perfectly, and I couldn't date or marry a guy who is friends with a ton of women…
/r/PurplePillDebate23/07/19 09:27 PM
5

And it's fine if that's one of the few things you are parsnickity about. But if it's every. little. thing, like the bus you take or the seats you choose, or the weather at the venue, or the parking spot, etc... That could be cause for introspection. A few things here and there is no biggie, but people who are contentious about all aspects of an outing, all the time, can be a little bit exhausting, at best
/r/PurplePillDebate23/07/19 12:33 AM
2

Yeah, I married after 19 months. That was pretty soon, objectively. And while I think there is a "too soon," there is definitely too long, where it seems like a proposal is out of a feeling of "next step" than true commitment. Depending on the age you meet, I just don't think it takes 5+ years to know, and every couple who waited that long, ime, it was inertia, not deliberation
/r/PurplePillDebate19/07/19 06:54 PM
7

Yeah, I've been called some choice names. For me, the bulk of the fun is the chase. Like op, I'd probably flirt a ton but fuck very very few people. The number of dudes who think that offering sex is somehow unique or noteworthy is laughable. Coupled with thinking that their attraction is the only requirement: "you don't know how attracted I am to you!" O...kay? Getting sex would be so easy for me, a non-fat, non-terrible-looking, reasonably sane woman. I always try to assure them that I'm havin…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/07/19 06:51 PM
24

Absolutely this. You must offer that which you seek, or some other compensation. That's why the socially stunted neckbeard I search of a flawlessly pretty, fit, social partner is such a trope. Or the single mom who won't date a parent. Or the $50K in debt woman who wants a financially set partner... Nothing wrong with standards, but leagues do exist, and when people are out of touch with their own league, it seems imbalanced and impractical to seek such a thing out
/r/PurplePillDebate19/07/19 02:04 AM
5

100% this, IME, and from what I hear from my women friends. Plus, I think that there is a lot more invisible labor and expectations for women, which can affect many working women when they are expected to work the "2nd shift" after work. I put a lot of time and effort, for instance, into grooming and looking decent at my work (nails painted and tidy, hair treatments, packing lunches, setting out clothes) which definitely shifted once I got an office job, and my husband works from home like I did…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/07/19 12:12 AM
5

This is the crux of it for me, too. I can't think of anyone with a job and marriage who would have time to seek out sex with someone else. Hell, most couples don't even feel that they have time for each other. It's why emotional affairs baffle most people - where do you find the time to "date" or hump someone else?! People who do have that kind of time, ime, aren't usually the most ambitious or intellectual types
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/19 02:31 PM
3

I don't know about the morality of it, but have my opinions. But, I agree with you: I've just never ever seen it work for solid, grounded couples long-term. There's always problematic undertones and mindsets in all the poly-folk I've met, which is more than a few
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/19 02:25 PM
6

That's another part of it for me, the energy and time. I love sex, and work actively on my (married, monogamous) sex life... Who has time for that? Not I. Sorry to sound like a pearl clutcher, but I also don't care to spend my time with people whose lives are that centered on sex. There's novels to read, trails to hike, degrees to earn, and while sex is an amazing, bonding thing, I would feel like a rabbit if I were seeking it out all the time
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/19 02:22 PM
14

I had a whole reply, but this kind of sums it (bluntly) up for me. I've never known a poly person/ couple, frankly, that was 100% grounded and solid, and I have known more than a few. There are always issues underlying in that mindset, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/19 02:19 PM
13

Also, my uncomfortable observation is that I have never met a grounded poly person. They definitely embody, IME, certain types of mindsets and lifestyles that, to me, are reckless. And yes, I've met many, I lived in Portland, OR for years. They always seemed to be slightly ungrounded in their 'primary' relationship. I'm sure some exist, and conceptually, I can see the appeal (and don't mind talking about attractive wo/men with my spouse), but... In practice, I've never seen it go that way
/r/PurplePillDebate24/06/19 02:16 PM
1

He tried, to help her pay off her exorbitant debt. And many trips and fancy stuffs and a high standard of living later... He's seeing that he made a mistake, and that staying with her will mean being always broke or keeping up with the Joneses. Yikes. Money is such a big deal, and far too overlooked
/r/PurplePillDebate23/06/19 07:33 PM
2

Yeah, same. I earn less than my husband, but have far more social capital. I want to protect us both, even though I think we have a solid shot at staying happily married (few people marry without that mindset, though). Like a seatbelt or my 20guage, I hope I don't need it, but luck favors the prepared
/r/PurplePillDebate23/06/19 11:30 AM
5

Or without earning potential or the same views on money. My dear friend is divorcing soon because it's becoming clear that he can pay off his SO's debt, have an action plan, etc, but nothing will change the boho, carefree, love-to-travel mindset that got her in that debt and prevents forward financial thinking
/r/PurplePillDebate23/06/19 11:28 AM
6

In one description, she's "naturally" thin, then you go onto describe the small, subtle ways that her lifestyle is likely contributing... which is it? Is she naturally thin, or is it that "naturally" thin women (like myself, and I'm also quite tall) are moving more, eating less, and having small lifestyle habits that few people see? I had some birthday cake at work. In roll the comments about how I'm "lucky I can eat cake and stay skinny!" except that no one sees me park far away, take a 20 minu…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/19 01:41 PM
4

naturally skinny girls who eat and drink whatever they want. I'd describe myself this way. I'm thin and fit and "eat whatever I want," but... the difference is that my 'whatever' I want is very different than my fat friends' - when you're thin and mindful, lounging and gorging and "splurging" on calories looks very different. My "cheat day": glass of wine and some popcorn with a movie, whereas my "can't lose weight no matter what I do" friend's splurge: snack at the mall, handful or 4 of almonds…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/19 01:38 PM
2

No one is genetically heavy. That's not a thing, and metabolism for really only varies by about 100-300 calories, heavily influenced by activity level and height. I am thin, fit, and almost 40, and it's very irksome when people imply that it's luck or genetics
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/19 01:24 PM
2

I also think there is a difference in what my "whatever I want" is vs my fat friends'. Your tastes and appetite differ when you are a healthy weight. So, my "pigging out" is a single glass of wine with some lightly buttered popcorn on a Friday with a movie. For my "can't lose weight" friends, pigging out is constant snacking, 2 glasses of wine, and a bizarre reward/punishment system with food
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/19 01:22 PM
3

Drives me nuts. I am almost 40, 6'-tall, and weigh what I did in college. Women my age who imply that you will become automatically fat and frumpy and boring and isolated, are usually the sole reason they gain lots of weight. I 140#, sometimes 145# if I'm remiss and lazy, and I'm so sick of being called skinny. Have people forgotten what a healthy weight looks like?! Seems like it
/r/PurplePillDebate22/06/19 01:19 PM
17

Same. Almost 40 and more confident, fitter, healthier, richer, happier, more secure than I ever have been. I refuse to believe that getting fat and frumpy and boring and isolated at x,y,z age is just a thing that happens automatically. With a bit of effort, it's absolutely possible to age gracefully and be pickier in partners and social circle and jobs. So, yes I'm getting "pickier" with age, but I don't feel badly about that at all
/r/PurplePillDebate19/06/19 05:57 PM
5

I did, and don't combine money with my husband. Even though we earn similarly. However, there is more to divorce than finances, like stigma, professional repercussions, datability, etc
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/19 10:01 PM
5

Anyone who moderately understands statistics knows that the pay gap =\= earning gap. Women earn less over the course of the average set of working years because of kids, mostly. At least in the US. Needing flexible schedules, time off after birth, taking years off before primary school. For childless men and women, there is a negligible"gap," if any
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/19 09:59 PM
3

Divorced woman =\= divorced mother. While most couples do have kids, women are opting out at higher rates than ever before. Dating as a divorced woman, IME, is far far different and with fewer burdens and stigmas than what I hear of my divorced friends with kids
/r/PurplePillDebate15/06/19 09:54 PM
1

Yeah, I lived in Portland for years, the Midwest, the east coast, and now the southwest. The PNW and west coast is not really at all how the rest of the country is, for better and worse
/r/PurplePillDebate10/06/19 01:11 AM
2

Marriage, like you say, is many things. The love portion is valid, but... it's not the entire purpose that marriage serves. Marriage combines a couple's interests, and effectively guards against the prisoner's dilemma in life; an unmarried couple has no truly tangible combined interests (feelings aside), but a married couple has placed some of their "best interest" in this third thing- the marriage- and will be far more likely to logistically and otherwise choose "us" over "me."
/r/PurplePillDebate06/06/19 10:40 AM
1

I actually agree with you. My husband now earns a lot more than me now, and even though we don't combine finances, I will definitely say that it's kind of changed our dynamic - in subtle ways and overt ones, and certainly for the people who know us. For me, I have little problem admitting that gender roles matter to me, and that I am traditional in that I don't think 'gender is a social construct.' I think there are realities within each gender, and now that we're not cavemen, they can be seen i…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/06/19 10:38 AM
2

Ah, someone ITT had to go there. In any case, a consenual institution I entered into, and benefit from, is hardly comparable, IMO
/r/PurplePillDebate06/06/19 12:28 AM
12

My views on marriage are pretty traditional (antiquated, to some, I suppose). There are things I do as a wife, who benefits from marriage, that I wouldn't do as a live-in girlfriend. I didn't want to play house without commitment. To me, our relationship is fair and awesome and equal, but that looks different to me in marriage vs dating
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:36 PM
19

Totally. I have kind of traditional views on marriage and pairbonds, so, yes... I put that into action. Do I always love it? Course not. But that's the burden of marriage as a woman, and he takes on similar burdens as a married man. We're equal, but... Not the same, and that, to me, is okay.
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:34 PM
4

And trying to navigate childrearing without marriage, ime, can be a logistical hurdle.
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:30 PM
8

And if you and your BF/GF are mutually content forgoing the benefits that that piece of paper grants (just like cash and my American birth certificate, also paper), then okay. But pieces of paper and institutions definitely have power and clout and benefits
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:27 PM
8

If you were a director of your company, and that came with benefits, stipends, freedom, a salary bump.... Would you be content to be called the office assistant? Titles matter, and most people see the need to convey their title and implied permanence in a way that marriage grants, and dating does not
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:25 PM
8

Nothing, if both people are content to forgo the many benefits of marriage. For those that aren't, and will still be called "girlfriend" after decades together, and potentially navigate childrearing as a dating couple, wanting to be married is very valid
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:23 PM
6

Agreed. I know far too many women who stick around dating a guy through their 20's, play house, etc, all the while the guy doesn't want to solidly commit. If a couple is happy to keep dating without marriage, and are aligned, that's one thing, but for women who want marriage dating a guy that's lukewarm on the institution (or her), I think it's really unwise to keep dating, or live with him
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:21 PM
6

That was not true for me. I outearned my now-husband for much of our dating relationship, am more educated, have more family connections, and yet... I wanted marriage. We don't even combine money, but our financial priorities and goals align so that we are working towards the same future
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:19 PM
7

"If" you're equally yoked, is a big if. Mostly, the burden is on the man, if you're not. And yet, far too many people marry for love, and not enough for logistical considerations. But, for men and women, marriage offers so many benefits that dating does not. Cultural, legal, professional, childrearing, social... Most people view marriage different than dating, and imo, it is, even if the couple "feels just as committed."
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:15 PM
3

I agree. Seeing as finances are in the top 3 reasons cited for divorce, always, I think there should be far more logistical and financial considerations to marriage. Am I using my husband for his money? No, because we earn the same (roughly). But there are also emotional, logistical, cultural things that I offer in marriage that I wouldn't if we stayed dating
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:10 PM
4

Totally, and this is one major risk of cohabitation without commitment for women. Far too many couples sleepwalk into marriage after living together because the expectations were not discussed in full
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:08 PM
3

I don't combine money with my spouse, earn the same, save the same, have an ironclad prenuptial agreement. Yes, his money is a security, and yes, he supported me through unemployment, but... That's also because we both acknowledge that money is a big big deal. And I work in finance, so have a particularly clinical view on finances. Marriage is a contract and a legal document that, imo, solved the prisoner's dilemma in a way that dating did not by merging our interests
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:06 PM
20

For me, personally, I didn't live with my now-husband (or anyone prior I dated) before formal commitment, ie marriage. So, I agreed to, and do, all our laundry, most of our chores, all cooking and dishes and cleaning. Because I refused to play house without commitment, and yes, if you live together and act like a faux-wife, marriage offers little. For me, there were tangible changes in expectations and implied permanence and logistics with marriage that didn't exist in dating.
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:04 PM
7

And while there is a lot of jargon and other words, most people still call it BF/GF. For better and worse, most people (in the US, anyway) treat and think of marriage as a different pairbond than dating/ living together/ partnerships. It's valid to forgo the many benefits of marriage, but imo, it's still a different pairbond
/r/PurplePillDebate05/06/19 03:01 PM
1

The only no go for me is a fat guy At least this is an elective thing, not a genetics one. Not that preferences are ever invalid, but I think that having a preference for things someone can control is a lot more easy to talk about and not feel shamed for. I'm 6', and the shade I get thrown at me for only wanting to date guys taller than me is unreasonable.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/19 10:52 AM
5

Yep, same. I'm 6'-tall and work really hard to stay thin and fit, so feeling dainty, or at least not stocky and massive, is a big deal for me. I've met precisely one person, a former NBA player, who was more than 10" taller than me, and it was... weird. I don't like being dwarfed, but with my 6'4" husband, I LOVE being "the tall brunette couple"
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/19 10:49 AM
0

Be taller than my height, 5'3" Same, except I'm 6'. So, yes, I do want tall men to date. Luckily, I've met many of my BFs through sports, where in-shape, tall women seem to be sought after. For me, height matters a lot. I think that, overall, though, most people gravitate towards people who are a good physical match, and when you have 15" between partners, it's awkward, so says my 5'1" friend with her 6'7" ex
/r/PurplePillDebate04/06/19 10:46 AM
4

Your comment isn't stupid, and I've observed the same. I think that it's often the male child more with single mothers, IME. I think that single moms of sons often rely on their sons for things as they become teenagers- fixing stuff comes to mind- and as they gain independence, the Mom clings on to avoid losing her 'baby' and it manifests with extreme affection and doting.
/r/PurplePillDebate03/06/19 10:56 AM
3

Oh, I agree, I just meant to reiterate that, often, people will say you are "just" dating, even if it's years and years together. The subtleties in our language speak volumes
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 11:19 PM
1

Even in your own language in a thread about marriage: "just" BF/GF. Marriage is a different pair bond than dating. Maybe it's an English language thing, too, where there is not really a term to differentiate between seriousness in dating relationships. We use BF/GF for a summer fling to a years long relationship. Either way, part of the point of marriage is to change your social status, legal title, and logistical considerations, so it's 100% reasonable to me to not equate marriage to other roma…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 09:10 PM
3

Hey, I went to that wedding, too! By age 27, they'd been together "sooo long" and her sister, age 32, was moving forward faster than her years long relationship. Plus, according to society and certainly the groom, you're a jerk if you date a girl for years and don't commit. So, he did, ignoring glaring incompatibilities. Yeah, they had substantial problems from the start, and are now circling the drain about 3 years in
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 07:34 PM
3

Yikes, that sounds like a lot of guilt and bad feelings, I hope you were able to find a solution that worked for you. My POV is not as laden with guilt, but is more of a logistical consideration. I also think that not living together till marriage makes marriage feel more like a solid level-up when you don't just come home to your same routine and life
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 12:31 PM
3

Age also affects it significantly, and we're seeing it more and more as people delay parenthood. I know it's not PC or whatever, but... A 23 year old has a far easier time losing the weight and avoiding permanent damage than a 38 year old
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 12:11 PM
13

Tangentially related, are the "next step" weddings that seem to come up only because her sister is engaged, or her friends note that they've been dating so long, or his parents tease about making an honest woman out of her... One reason why I think that meeting super young and/or living together without a solid plan is a huge risk, is because I've seen so many couples slide into a "might as well" marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 11:16 AM
2

Agreed, mostly. It astounds me how many people marry solely for 'love' or wed someone they know to be incompatible with their life goals. I wouldn't marry someone without legal protections, and who I wouldn't start a business with, so my view is a bit more clinical in a way. But marriage is a contract, and I think it's unwise to not acknowledge the contractual and practical side of a marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 11:13 AM
0

Yes, absolutely. It's a different pair bond than dating or living together. Even couples who claim to "feel just as committed without a piece of paper," it's just not the same, imo. Now, I am against cohabitation without formal commitment or a solid timeline, so that affects my view. And the externalities I've experienced have been solely positive, so I'm biased. I've also seen marriage change people for the worse, or marry for the wrong reasons, too. But I think that marriage has the market cor…
/r/PurplePillDebate29/05/19 11:09 AM
5

Absolutely this. I'm thin and fit, but only because I don't want to be fat, fitness isn't my whole life. So yes, I wouldn't date someone really out of shape, and don't expect the fittest of fit to date me. My general outlook is that you shouldn't demand something in a partner that you don't offer yourself - regarding income, fitness, social acumen, etc
/r/PurplePillDebate18/05/19 11:18 AM
1

I guess I have had a different experience. I have far more time to myself, resources to dedicate to my appearance and health, and friends who are more interested in healthy activities. Yes, it gets marginally harder. But I think far too many people give up entirely because their body changes a little after around 25
/r/PurplePillDebate11/05/19 10:35 AM
2

My grandmother didn't get married until she was 40.... Right. That's my point: yes, many women have no issues, and many women have babies that late in life. But it doesn't change the fact that, overall, statistics and biology are not in your favor past a certain age. I also think we will begin to see the externalities of people having kids later and later as couples delay parenthood. I'm biased, though, for sure, because I knew that having kids for me, was "young or never." So I chose never, for…
/r/PurplePillDebate11/05/19 10:34 AM
13

The weight thing is huge. Too many wo/men seem to believe that you automatically get fat and frumpy at 30. Nah. Not a given at all. I'm almost 40 and weigh what I did in college, plus am fitter and better dressed and more confident. Getting fat is not just a thing that happens at xyz age
/r/PurplePillDebate11/05/19 03:40 AM
6

Exceptions exist but so do trends. Yes, it happens a fair amount, but we also don't hear of infertility and the myriad of issues that having a baby at 35+ causes. It's not a made up thing that fertility declines, and pregnancy becomes riskier at a certain point. And that point, PC or not, is pretty medically accepoted to be around 35
/r/PurplePillDebate11/05/19 03:38 AM
20

That's been my experience, too. After around, say, 25 or so, I just don't buy that you have to date for years and live together without formal commitment to know if you want to commit. All the couples I know who got engaged after years of dating, were just kicking the can down the road. Not saying that's universally true, just my observation at a certain age. If he's treating you like a secret or a second option, you are just that
/r/PurplePillDebate09/05/19 10:58 AM
17

It's hard because of standards, not options. But, overall, I do not and have not have any trouble dating - I have dated/ married only men I respect and am compatible with, and side-eye both men and women who can only seem to wonder "where all the good wo/men are". Sorry, but if you're only meeting "manipulative assholes" or "crazy chicks," I just don't buy that it's anything other than the common thread: you. I am coming up on 40, am thin, no kids or ex-drama, and I have had 0 problem dating at …
/r/PurplePillDebate09/05/19 10:43 AM
2

Staying home with two toddlers is WAY more difficult than my relatively high paying professional job But is it more difficult than having 2 toddlers AND working? Not IME. And I don't see the perspective that staying home with your own kids all day, who nature programed you to love, is more difficult. So different axioms there. For me, the cost isn't just the cost of daycare, it's the fulfillment, lack of networking, depletion of professional skills, gap in resume, marital implications about labo…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 10:32 AM
2

Fair enough. Different experiences and perspectives, for sure. Housework is a small price to pay for the privilege, ime. But I like working and would never voluntarily opt out. I hope, working or not, you have a path that works for your family
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 09:45 AM
1

And yet, all those things are true when you work and have kids, too. Just in fewer hours with more external demands. To me, it is not comparable. Different experiences, but I'm really glad that my mom worked and have a life solely based on her kids, personally
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 03:09 AM
2

Because he doesn't really have the choice to just not work. And has a boss, commute, dress code, deadlines, external demands. And has coworkers who aren't people who nature programmed him to love. A sahm can go back to the workforce, whereas working people can't feasibly just drop out
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 02:53 AM
2

Yes, imo. Working as a single person is more privileged and shaky than having a spouse's income to rely on. At least imo
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 02:39 AM
2

Oh, I have and do know what you're talking about. And while childcare might be cost prohibitive for sending families, there are ways to fill the boredom and find fulfillment. But, overall, I will never see the POV that not working to take care of your own kids is on the same level as working and having kids - different axioms, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 02:38 AM
3

Well, yeah, I'd agree with that. Getting paid for work with external demands is far far more difficult, challenging, nuanced, unknown and regulated than taking care of one's own kids all day. Plus, the glaring issue that the ability to not work, and relying on a spouse's income, is a ginormous privilege. So, yes, they are doing the work of a daycare, but with people of their choosing and the financial option to do so
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 01:45 AM
4

Untrue for you, perhaps, but it doesn't nullify the fact that the option to not work, and be financially sound, is a privilege. Yes, there is more work when you're at home, but if that's the "job" of a non working parent, it's a very very small price to pay for that option
/r/PurplePillDebate19/04/19 01:35 AM
8

Right?! With few to no external demands, no dress code, no boss, no commute, with the financial security to just not work .. with people that biology programmed you to adore. Yeah, it might be difficult, but it's still largely elective, and not even comparable to people who work AND do from 5:30- bedtime what SAHMs have all day to do. So, difficult, perhaps, but difficult isn't binary, it comes in gradients, and it's far far far easier than many other life paths
/r/PurplePillDebate18/04/19 09:28 PM
2

Childcare is not a job. It's work, yes. Tedious, tough, thankless, lonely, and difficult work, sure. But it's not a job. With very few, if any, external demands, with people you are programmed to love, taking care of your own children all day is nowhere near the same as working and then coming home to kids' needs. And the ability to opt out of work force to rely on a spouse to do this, is a privilege, be it a "job" or not
/r/PurplePillDebate18/04/19 05:57 PM
10

I agree, and find it hard to not be dismissive of SAHMs who don't acknowledge that they literally have all day to do what working and single moms have 5:30PM- bedtime to do. If you are able to rely on a spouse's income to opt out of the workforce, and the risks that come with it ... That's privilege. When I hear them suggest otherwise, it baffles me
/r/PurplePillDebate18/04/19 05:52 PM
1

Yeah, I get the why. I understand that Pam, especially after she's "just a chubby mom" (her words) is the way she is. And I get the feeling of comfort in jobs and relationships. But that doesn't mean that I like it. Or that I have people like that in my life. Or that I think it's healthy. Then again, I think that the show captures the tendency to stagnate and the motivations people have in life very well
/r/PurplePillDebate17/04/19 10:40 AM
1

Right, after years and years of whining about his job, Jim took a risk. And it threatened Pam. Yes, Pam did join Michael but that was an impulse that she ran into by mistake, not a deliberate act. And while I know that the show needs the office to, well, be a show, I also know people like them IRL - same town, same job, little-to-no initiative or direction or control of their trajectory... with the audacity to complain about it all.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/04/19 10:28 AM
2

I don't disagree that Pam and Roy were a trainwreck who should have broken up after their, like, 4th date. But initiative isn't really Pam's thing, and it's not "what you gotta do" to actively try to make her see that
/r/PurplePillDebate16/04/19 12:22 PM
2

Hopefully yours didn't come with infedelity, blurred lines, the inability to take control over your trajectories, one of you waiting around for the other's relationship to fail, being too good for your life/ boss/ job, but not taking action.... Yeah, I like PB&J as much as the next guy, but their foundation isn't really as golden as fans believe
/r/PurplePillDebate16/04/19 11:07 AM
3

The show captures that perfectly: proximity leads to tolerance and even care. Dwight was unbearable at first, as were many of them. But over time, with familiarity and knowing their back stories, it's easier to like people when you understand them. That's one reason Stamford didn't integrate as well into Scranton - they had their own norms and dynamic.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/04/19 11:05 AM
10

Yesyesyes! I always roll my eyes at workplace crushes... like, of course you like me NOW, I'm being polite, groomed, helpful, smart. You don't know me, really. You haven't seen me eat graham crackers in my underwear for dinner and yell at the game on TV. That said, I thought their problems in S.9 were really really realistic. Pam's meepy avoidance to change coupled with Jim FINALLY trying something other than a job he felt too good for seemed very spot on for their personalities. Pam reaching ou…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/04/19 11:03 AM
2

Lived in Portland for years, and IME, it's less that they were fat, more frumpy. It was like a contest to see who could be the least feminine in the most plaid while being the most angry about gender roles. I agree that going on a 2-hour hole a few times a year does not make one outdoorsy or fit, but they seem to revel in that label
/r/PurplePillDebate29/03/19 06:12 PM
1

My husband would say the exact same thing. I am glad you found her and that it's working! The thing about MGTOW, is that... They never, like, go. They are so hung up on proving how women are all the same that it dampens whatever point of self fulfillment and happiness they are trying to make
/r/PurplePillDebate29/03/19 06:01 PM
1

I have been married about that long, and am not fat or crazy or slutty or trying to ruin my husband's life or nags about video games. He feels like he lucked out, and we have a good thing going. But 10 years just isn't that long, and divorce happens all the time, as do reasons for initiating it. Maybe I've worked in finance too long, but I think it's naive to think oneself immune from divorce
/r/PurplePillDebate29/03/19 04:05 PM
4

I'm seeing women my age who thought they had tons of time, be very unpleasantly surprised as we approach 40, regarding fertility. I know that xyz celebrity and abc acquaintance did it, but... 35+ is geriatric pregnancy. Exceptions exist, but so do trends. And it's unfortunate that it's not PC to mention, and that we're told we have tons of time - we don't. And many women I know, are forgoing parenthood altogether because of it
/r/PurplePillDebate21/03/19 09:01 PM
3

Absolutely. I'm coming up on 40, and while I'm fit and trim and take care of my skin and overall health, I do not look 22. The difference, for me, has been money, better friends and food, confidence, upward mobility, and having done things at each age that make clinging to youth seem unappealing. I don't pine to be 20, and it's a little sad when women my age do, because it shows that their actual youth wasn't very fulfilling
/r/PurplePillDebate21/03/19 08:56 PM
3

Which is a big IF. I'm coming up on 40, weigh what I did in college and am fit and getting fitter. Holy shit, the disdain from wo/men my age, especially if their bodies were subjected to pregnancy, is maddening. They seem to imply that getting fat and frumpy and socially isolated and depressed is just... What happens. That at age 30, you balloon up and can never lose weight. It's one of many reasons I'm determined not to get fat, is how it affects your aging and fashion and looks
/r/PurplePillDebate21/03/19 08:52 PM
2

Could be culture dependent. For me, the increase in social status, implied permanence, cultural clout, professional status, and 1,000+ benefits that don't exist in dating, were huge. I'm also boased against living together without commitment, so my POV differs from dating couples who forgo marriage, for sure
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/19 02:28 PM
3

And anecdotally in my social circle, and IIRC, the stats say the same, living together before committing makes a couple far more likely to "slide, not decide" into marriage because they are logistically intertwined. I think that moving in without a firm timeline for commitment tends to make couples overlook things they might not if they weren't bound by a lease/ dog/ bed together
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/19 10:35 AM
2

Cohabitation is fine for couples who are content forgoing the many benefits of marriage. But dating/ living together is not really the same as marriage, even if they "feel just as committed." It's 2 different pair bonds, socially and legally and financially and otherwise. Or maybe I'm cynical about living together without commitment
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/19 02:40 AM
3

I'm married, and I'd say happily, and... I agree. Especially with so many women content to live together without formal commitment. It's one reason I didn't seriously date till my late 20's, why we keep our money separate, and why I can talk openly about divorce and what would make us each leave. It's unreasonable to think that we're immune from splitting up, and people who think that way are often a bit naive, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/19 02:35 AM
2

Absolutely true for me, personally. Then again, I always knew I'd die childless and happily accepted that long ago. So the worst outcome for me would be to be burdened with parenthood and without someone to share that with. And I think that more and more educated women are opting out of parenthood, and the reasoning is really interesting. But marriage? Even the most progressive people I know want the formality of commitment in a relationship
/r/PurplePillDebate20/03/19 02:30 AM
3

And I'd wonder how long they were together. I roll my eyes so hard when couples dating for like a year are like "we never fight and still have sex 5x/ week." Like, that's the literal honeymoon period! It's supposed to be easy and fun during that time!! There's a reason why marriage advice often suggests courting your spouse, and that "new relationship energy" is a thing
/r/PurplePillDebate16/03/19 02:30 AM
2

"once in a blue moon" for me, too. A certain number of dietary, cyclical, mood, and other factors need to align. It's a headspace thing. It's not something to attempt without thinking through first. And the number of dudes who think it's at all comparable to PIV or oral or other sexual activities is off-putting
/r/PurplePillDebate05/03/19 03:20 AM
3

Exactly. It's not just the hobbies, it's what they represent. I'm a gun nut, for instance, and met my husband through the honby. I simply would not align on the big stuff with someone who is more pacifist. Our social circles and weekend activities would likely differ, and over time, those differences are fundamental disconnects, not charming learning experiences, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate05/02/19 03:24 PM
5

Yes! Absolutely this. It's one of the risks of meeting young. My dear friend is with a gal who was a fine match at age 20, when they liked smoking and drinking together and doing the same stuff with co-workers. But they stuck together through some really big differences in outlook, and it's catching up to them - their values and priorities at 31 are not the same, nor aligned with each other
/r/PurplePillDebate05/02/19 03:20 PM
3

Plus the outcome of dating someone where your idea of a fun time doesn't align. It can be charming in early dating, but long-term, there's a reason why vegans don't date hunters and gym rats don't date chain smokers. Your hobbies reflect your values, entertainment, social circle, free time, and it's a definite bonus to have lots in common, IME. My husband and I met through a mutual hobby, and it's nice to be able to go have fun and blow off steam together, without one of us having to continually…
/r/PurplePillDebate05/02/19 03:18 PM
1

Agreed. I will never really agree with the idea that taking care of your own kids for years, with very few external demands, is challenging. Or engaging. I couldn't be with someone content to live like that, personally, and think there are implications beyond "it's her choice and deserves respect"
/r/PurplePillDebate30/01/19 03:41 AM
8

And it's not just wages and experience. I will never personally buy the idea that staying home with your own kids, with very very few external demands, keeps your mind sharp. I think that opting not to work for extended time periods takes a toll on most people's identity, opportunity, energy levels, ability to meet challenges. I have seen it IRL, and can't help but wince a bit when my friends make that choice
/r/PurplePillDebate30/01/19 03:39 AM
1

To me, it's a catch-22: I truly believe that my husband and I have a good shot at staying happily married. However, getting married on that belief alone, and not thinking through the very real chance that we could split, is an unattractive trait that I wouldn't respect. I think it's because of our discussions about what would end our marriage, as well as money discussions (which is in the top 3 reasons for divorce, always), it's made us more likely to stay happily married, but I don't trust anyo…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/01/19 11:26 PM
2

No one gets married believing they will get divorced someday, This is just it. All the "we're exempt from divorce ant that'll never happen!" couples, IME, are really naive and overlooked fundamental issues like, say, money are in really ill-aligned relationships. (or are religious and wouldn't ever divorce even in the event of cheating or abuse and/or are wives dependent on their husbands to the degree that splitting is too taxing for both parties). My BIL married a gal with dozens of thousands …
/r/PurplePillDebate27/01/19 11:24 PM
0

That's my thinking, too. I love my husband and I think we have a decent shot at happiness for life. However! I think it's supremely unwise to marry someone you wouldn't start a business with, or enter into a financial and logistical arrangement. And that is, in part, arguably a huge part, of what marriage is: a business and legal arrangement. I think the romantic aspects of marriage are overrated and frankly, people I know who married because "we love each other" haven't done their due diligence…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/01/19 11:20 PM
6

I'm (almost 40f) an accountant. I work with wealth managers and estate planners and financial advisors. I know that money is always cited in the top 3 reasons for divorce, but woefully overlooked because it's not a "sexy" topic like kids' names or liveable cities. I think about money, a lot- at work and in my daily life. There is a laundry list of financial dealbreakers for me, and I wouldn't, say, marry someone with debt. Or someone whose financial goals didn't align with mine. Or who couldn't …
/r/PurplePillDebate27/01/19 03:40 PM
6

I think that age when you meet affects it. I met my husband in our 30's - both had wealth, assets, and goals before we met each other. He has 2 houses and property, I have a significant chunk saved, no debt in my master's, and a good income. If I decide to leave with the poolboy (I don't plan to, but to act exempt from divorce is silly), why should I get 1/2 his house?! Makes no sense. We earn comparably and didn't merge money, but to not think through the possibility of divorce, to me, shows im…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/01/19 03:35 PM
1

Because if one spouse opts out of working to raise kids or pursue a not very lucrative dream, that, to me, is a different scenario than 2 working spouses who were financially stable when they met
/r/PurplePillDebate14/01/19 07:36 PM
2

I can definitely see this POV. If I decide to screw the poolboy, leave my husband, I get half the house he bought before he met me?! Or if he decides to sell his stuff and live in a van, he can have half of what I've earned to do so?! Whack. Marriage offers a lot of benefits that don't exist in dating or living together. And I think mine has a chance of happily lasting. However, I still got a pre-nup because it's naive to think divorce never happen to me. We were older and financially establishe…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/01/19 01:48 PM
2

Can you elaborate? What amount, in your view, would be just to have?
/r/PurplePillDebate14/01/19 01:43 PM
1

Ime, because people don't know how wealth functions beyond their own SES. I'm an accountant, and have worked with many wealth managers. I also probably have about $1.5MM, all in. It's not an exorbitant amount, but if you told me that 10 years ago, I'd call myself a greedy pig. Expectations and views change as wealth changes, and $2MM seems like a lot for most, but very little for others, and comfort for some. That's part of the whole thing with estate tax and other issues: there's no single amou…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/01/19 01:37 PM
12

I've just never personally known a FWB situation or someone who sleeps around a ton that doesn't end with ill-aligned expectations. One person, in my experience, always gets feelings or confused or led on. I just think there are healthier ways to spend one's time. I also think that hookup culture is really really male-centric, as in, sex seems to end with the man's orgasm. So men who sleep around aren't necessarily better lovers through the increased experience
/r/PurplePillDebate26/12/18 08:02 PM
8

And yet, you comment on threads that don't specifically interest you. People have sex, people talk about it, and that's also fine.
/r/PurplePillDebate26/12/18 05:39 PM
23

Virgin, definitely. For so so so many reasons, but I am not okay with promiscuity, or what it represents. I also am unwilling to take the risks of disease, dating a father, the inability to commit, and the blurred lines that sleeping around, ime, always leads to
/r/PurplePillDebate26/12/18 04:03 PM
1

I wasn't 28, but was 24 when I first had sex. Not fat, repressed, terrible, low libido, just didn't want to get attached and settle down for a boyfriend during grad school. And I know a LOT of women who gave up opportunities for a boyfriend. Sex clouds judgment, and most people feel (often undue) attachment to people they bang. I realize that I'm the exception, but it can happen that way, too
/r/PurplePillDebate26/12/18 03:49 PM
1

I can definitely see your POV about taking care of oneself and aging. I'm almost 40, and the women I know who coasted by on youth and good genes got fat and frumpy by around 30 or so. My dear friend was with a gal who was cute and thin and put together at 22, but puffed up like the Michelin man, stopped trying, and let herself go considerably a few years into the relationship. That type of thing is common for age and long relationships, and it's depressing when the other partner doesn't succumb …
/r/PurplePillDebate26/12/18 03:46 PM
-1

Thanks for your input. I am happily married to someone with no history of addiction or mental illness. I am extremely glad that I knew that alone is far, far, far better than settling, and waited for someone who checked all my boxes. But to each their own!
/r/PurplePillDebate22/12/18 10:23 PM
2

Nope, not at all. I don't have any experience with mental illness, addiction issues, personality disorders, etc., nor am I in a position to deal with that. I work hard at my mental health, and don't want to be with someone who is not on the same plane as me in nearly every facet, like financial well-being/goals, mental health/stability, family outlooks, and the other "biggies" that can destroy a marriage
/r/PurplePillDebate22/12/18 01:37 PM
8

So? I did that already just by the nature of dating. IMO, that's a good thing to be a bit choosy and hold true to dealbreakers you have. It's far better to be single than in a relationship you had to talk yourself into
/r/PurplePillDebate22/12/18 01:34 PM
2

I have observed differently. It's not that overt, but far too many people try to "power through" fundamental disconnects, and give into the sunk cost fallacy, believing that things will improve or their partner will change. They may deny it because no one likes to admit that they are continuing with a mismatched relationship or behaving illogically, but it's very very frequent, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate12/12/18 02:50 AM
7

Another component to attraction, imo, and a less considered and perhaps un-PC one is: hormonal birth control. It changes hormones and attraction considerably, and its use changes in a long-term relationship. I know plenty of women whose libidos we're killed on the pill, that they began using in their committed relationship. Coupled with the chores and upkeep and stuff in a relationship that don't exist while hooking up, it's almost textbook watching these dead bedrooms unfold, IME
/r/PurplePillDebate12/12/18 02:46 AM
7

Except human behavior and libidos aren't linear like that. IME, it's a "next thing" mindset with sex and improvement in all facets. Sex starts off okay and even frequent like it often does in early dating. Then, real life happens, and sunk cost fallacy sets in. It's always the "next thing" where sex and money and whatever else will allegedly improve: upon graduation, after holiday stress, when we get a dog, when we move, when my family is gone... But by the time all those things were supposed to…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/12/18 02:29 AM
1

Why, though? It's pretty reasonable, IMO, to want to avoid hardship, and most people take the path of least resistance. One reason of many that I, personally, opted out of parenthood. Wanting to make things easier for yourself is pretty intuitive
/r/PurplePillDebate04/12/18 08:37 PM
3

Your last sentence is, in part, the issue that I've witnessed. People having kids really early on with people they otherwise would not have tried to have a relationship with, and it is unfortunate. I don't know what the solution is, but I would encourage people in their early 20's to not give into Peter Pan Syndrome - no, you don't need your life figured out at 18, but I also really detest this idea that if you even THINK about marriage before age 30, you're wasting your youth. . Simply put, lif…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/18 01:38 PM
6

Divorce, IME, comes in waves. As do the first wave of marriages. Goes like this: High school/ college sweethearts who either get fat, have kids, and settle in their hometown that they never leave, or divorce around ~28 or so, and try to tow the line between caring for kids and living their missed youth. Then, the second wave which is older college sweethearts who get married around 28 or so, maybe move a bit, maybe have a kid or 2; divorce in this wave is around ~33. The third wave are the divor…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/18 12:50 PM
7

Ultimately, being in a relationship where you move in together is extra work And, at least IME, leads to a LOT of "might as well" marriages. Moving in together for financial reasons and then staying together when you might have otherwise broken up because you're comfortable and financially intertwined, has really bad outcomes. It's one reason that I think that cohabitation without a firm timeline for commitment is problematic, and I've seen it unfold so so many times
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/18 12:42 PM
4

This is my BIL. Married a gal with dozens of thousands in debt, more trips than I can count, has about 0 sense of delayed gratification, and... he's now the sole overseer/ budgeter/ planner/ enforcer of any financial responsibility in their lives. He has a plan to pay off her exorbitant debt, and the worst part is that if they are still together when that happens, she won't have learned anything. Or worse, somehow credit herself for "doing it all," when really, it was about 99% his doing. Before…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/18 12:40 PM
5

I think one of the unintended consequences that we will (collectively) see as housing costs rise, education takes longer, and people settle down later is this idea that we have sooo much time. Sorry, but 35 is "geriatric pregnancy" for a reason. And just starting the process at that age is a gamble. It's one thing if you have a child at, say, 28, and can reasonably predict your risks and ease in pregnancy. But to go in at 35 just expecting it to go smoothly, IME, has led to a lot of misconceptio…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/11/18 12:37 PM
2

Totally true. You don't exist separately from your family, and their hangups, norms, issues are going to affect you. It blows my mind that people think that THEIR SO is exempt from the family from which they came. My BIL is with a gal whose family does NOT like or respect him, and vice versa and it seems really burdensome to have to navigate that.
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 07:39 PM
1

She may just need some more time to mature. True, but that could also just be her. My BIL started dating a gal when she was 20, and is now 29, and he kept hoping her money/ fitness/ outlooks would improve or mature with time. He's been waiting for a solution that will never come, because, well, she hasn't changed, and I'd say that at their core, most people don't. 23 is very young, and depending on her age now, that could be youth, or it could just be her
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 07:33 PM
2

Well, IME, that's where it ends for you. Same with not having beer in the fridge or a house that's not a pigsty. For me, in my marriage with in-laws who are more old-school, I get the brunt of the judgment for not being a good housekeeper. If you don't want to send cards or have cold beer stocked, IME, that's a lot less of a thing than if your wife were to do it.
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 07:30 PM
9

The times I hang out with women really suck—I don’t want to get a pedicure and gossip and discuss hair and makeup, I have zero interest in having kids and god forbid someone passes a baby to me.... Yeah... this isn't women. I'm sterilized, 30-something, have a grouping with pistols AND rifles that would make a marksman blush, paint my own nails, wear a self-imposed uniform because I can't be bothered to branch out in fashion, in 3 Fantasy Football leagues, also like drinking and fun conversation…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 04:17 PM
5

Fair enough. I'm sure you're very different from most women, and the people you know would affirm that. I've never known it to be true IRL, despite women's insistence that they are 'more like men.' So, different experiences yield different worldviews. I hope you're able to "deal with women" and have many female-friendships, because they are simply awesome!
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:55 PM
9

but also thinks like a man. So, you're... "not like other girls"? I've never met a woman who says this where it is actually the case. I consider myself fairly masculine, even, in my hobbies and approaches to things. But, alas, I still have a LOT in common with many, if not most, women. I'll bet you do, too. The conditioning part, IME, comes from the common mindset that "masculine is good, feminine is bad," and many women internalize that and then insist that they are "more like a guy than a gal.…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:44 PM
5

IME, it's not really a false equivalence. Yes, it's more of a female dating strategy, but it still holds on the guys' side, too. But no, I don't really have another example - men and women don't behave in dating, mating, friendship, courtship the same way because, well, they differ overall.
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:31 PM
13

I think it does happen, but it's more subtle. When you meet and are beginning dating, I think there is a lot of pressure for the woman to be "cool," and take an interest in his hobbies. Yes, some ladies like gaming or football or hiking or whatever, but overall, I think that there is more of a "front" that women put on. And men can feel let down when her interest in these things wanes as the relationship progresses
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:24 PM
17

I agree, fully. I think one of the greatest hindrances of relationships is the modern mindset that 'gender is a social construct.' It's not, IMO, at all. I try very very hard to not treat my husband the same as I do my mom, sisters, lady-friends. Sometimes, yes, I need validation and listening and women are far far better at providing that, overall. To me, it comes down to the reality that my spouse can't be my "everything," and I don't expect to be his, either. I think strong female friendships…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:15 PM
1

And on the women's side of things, I think this is why it's so important for women to have women-friends. Yes, many times, I want to talk about my feelings and not only the thing, but how I felt during the thing. For this, I have my sister, mom, friends - and it's cathartic and useful. I think one of the greatest disservices to relationships is the idea that men and women don't differ - we do. And that is should be okay
/r/PurplePillDebate22/10/18 03:12 PM
1

Agreed. Having commonality in your lifestyle is, long-term, a benefit. In early dating, you can do your own thing and do the "respect each other's hobbies" approach, but over time, having a high degree of commonality is unifying and beneficial.
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/18 01:13 PM
1

I think that's totally reasonable. I know a couple like that: she's outdoorsy and likes hiking and biking and he is a homebody that likes video games and weed. Doing anything fun means that one is "dragged along" or they both try to compromise, and not having a similar lifestyle affects so many facets in life. Being on the same page about hobbies and free time is really great to have in common, ime
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/18 11:56 AM
1

Agreed, and have witnessed this IRL. My cousin and his wife were really obese, got geriatric bypass surgery, the wife did not, his new lifestyle and her existing one caused a lot of ill-aligned expectations about many facets in life I think it's problematic to think that love and communication and compromise are all you need - those things sure are easier if you're fundamentally compatible. Your lifestyle and health affects money, hobbies, social circle, free time, travel, values.
/r/PurplePillDebate21/10/18 11:53 AM
4

Agreed. And all the people I know who did/ are doing this, inevitably end up at the entire gender after the split: "women, amirite" and "marriage is a trap!" Wellllll.... no. You stuck around with someone you're not compatible with for far, far longer than you should have. It's not wo/men or marriage or relationships, this is on you!
/r/PurplePillDebate18/10/18 03:49 PM
5

Yes, absolutely. Just like a job can be a success, but need to end or be moved on from. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, some serve the purpose of a period in one's life or companionship through traveling/ college/ loneliness, but are not equipped to last forever. And that's okay. What I consider to be unsuccessful is something I am currently witnessing in my social circle: couples clinging on to something fundamentally incompatible under the guise of "making it work" or staying …
/r/PurplePillDebate18/10/18 03:45 PM
5

This is real, bittersweet, relatable, and mature. I think everyone has a "young love" like this, where everything is new and raw and you don't know the ins and outs of how to be in a relationship just yet. I agree that it does take time to mend the wounds and to move on, but after that, you can be grateful for the purpose they served in your life, and reflect fondly. I think fondness comes, though, from not hanging on too long. The bitter divorces I am currently witnessing in my social circle ar…
/r/PurplePillDebate18/10/18 03:39 PM
5

Agreed here. It's not the weight itself, and surely things happen in life that affect your body and habits and health, but, overall, I think that letting yourself go is a huge deal that leads to complacency
/r/PurplePillDebate12/10/18 02:13 AM
5

I see this, along with compromise, cited a lot. And while I agree that they are vital, I also think it's fruitless unless you have a foundation of compatibility. Different communication styles work for different people, but ultimately, you cannot "power through" fundamental disconnects. Sure is easier to compromise on things like "I prefer TV shows and he likes movies" vs issues like " we don't align on money, hobbies, values." I think the idea that communication conquers all can keep some coupl…
/r/PurplePillDebate12/10/18 02:11 AM
2

Exactly. And people get really annoyed when you don't compare their dating relationship to a marriage, which kind of reinforces the idea that definitions matter. There really isn't a term for a long term relationship that's not just "BF/GF," and people who are in long dating relationships swear that it's different. But I don't agree, and think that marriage implies something that dating does not
/r/PurplePillDebate27/09/18 08:10 PM
1

Maybe that's dare I say... okay to do? Marriage, whether real or perceived, offers about implied stability and permanence that dating (for which there is no real term for when it's a long-term relationship) does not. Banks are in the business of reducing risk, and the more stable a borrower is, the better customer they are. I really don't see the issue with differentiating between marriage, dating, and other pairbonds
/r/PurplePillDebate27/09/18 07:05 PM
2

There are so many branches... to the point that feminism doesn't really mean any one thing, so there is lots of 'that's not real feminism' and 'if you believe in equality, you're a feminist' all in one sentence... IMO, that's one of it's many drawbacks, the lack of unity within the modern movement
/r/PurplePillDebate16/05/16 09:49 PM
8

Nope, not in the U.S. where I live and earned my degrees in academic institutions where feminism is assumed to be a default status. Not at all at this point, it's nothing more than a divisive label and the 'issues' at the crux of the movement are small and asinine and completely non-issues. And since it doesn't really mean anything anymore, without a unified voice or concrete message, it's discombobulated into a no-true-scottsman of soundbytes.
/r/PurplePillDebate16/05/16 09:45 PM
5

I'm not disagreeing with you, but may I ask why? I think that that uncomfortable reality is overlooked by a lot of people: the 'fun party girl' type is not one that most men- or at least ones I know- would commit to. And being able to get laid is not exactly brag-worthy, since most women want commitment. In my friend group, the difference between the women that sleep around and those that don't is really interesting to watch unfold, even though, in theory, don't-judge-me-for-my-actions and slut-…
/r/PurplePillDebate01/12/15 02:59 PM
1

I don't get it, either. And it's weird to me to blanket-dismiss it as 'insecurity' because a person recognizes that your past matters. It's not the only thing that matters, but it does reflect you And it's valid to reject someone for any part of their past, sexual relationships included.
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/15 05:57 PM
6

a number alone doesn't tell you a lot about the person behind that number. But it doesn't not. Your past reflects you. It is not just devoid of any meaning because a person wants it to. Do my college degrees or lack of debt not tell someone about me? Not in its entirety, but it does reflect the person I am and goals that I have. Your sexual past does, too. I don't see how it wouldn't - your choices reflect you
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/15 05:56 PM
5

And it's not, for some people. But for many, it is. Your past reflects you, and wanting to know about a person's decision-making, values, and life is valid - your sexual actions don't exist in a vacuum and pretending that only high-schoolers care is a dismissal. I wouldn't sleep with or date a promiscuous person, and neither would my now-husband. So, yeah, it mattered to us. And to lots of people
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/15 05:47 PM
5

Absolutely not true, in my case and the case of many people I know. How are you determining that it's unanimously never a thing? I discussed it with my now-husband because it matters to me, and to him, and dismissing it as a high-school issue isn't helpful. A person's past reflects them- financial decisions, educational pursuits, friendships, travels- and their sex/ dating life does not exist in a vacuum. Some people do care about a person's views and actions regarding sex, others don't. And bot…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/11/15 05:45 PM
3

In America? A movement that once served a purpose, but now has no coherence, face, effective actions, unified beliefs, or tangible goals. On the one hand, they pander that "that's not real feminism" when met with (very valid) critiques, but OTOH, they moan that "everyone defines it differently." Since you don't actually have to do anything as a feminist, their ranks are greatly reduced, since anyone can claim that their choices and beliefs are "feminist." But since that doesn't really mean anyth…
/r/PurplePillDebate30/09/15 09:42 PM
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