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anothernewyorklady Archive

View 1 posts and 46 comments by anothernewyorklady on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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7

Apparently www.mycallisto.org is another one that focuses on sexual assault at college campuses
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 08:43 PM
25

There was that Lulu app for a while, but it disappeared. Perhaps we need a whisper network
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 07:27 PM
67

I love everything about this. Nothing more beautiful than women coming together to identify local predators lol. We could seriously use a New York City database of dudes to avoid. This city is overflowing with toxic single men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 07:16 PM
9

Mother-son dynamics are fascinating to me after seeing my ex’s toxic relationship with his mother. I never paid much attention to this before but having seen what covert emotional incest and mother enmeshment does to a guy has completely changed the way I examine these relationships now. I wasn’t married, but my most recent ex’s mom was the sort of example that I wish I had been warned about. It was pretty clear to me that she violated her children’s boundaries to an extreme throughout their liv…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/01/22 03:41 AM
183

Congratulations! What a beautiful ring! I’d love to see more detail about how the dating process went for you and how you came to decide to accept his proposal. Any insight you’re willing to share is much appreciated! And again, congratulations!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/22 07:39 PM
26

Scientific studies show that women have a higher need for safety than men do. There is also data that shows women’s brains detect danger and evoke fear responses much more readily and to a larger extent than do male brains. Lastly, women are more likely to be physically assaulted by men, particularly by men they are close to relationally. So, all around, your need for safety is greater than a man’s and he should be keenly aware of that difference and accommodate it. Funny timing - I just listene…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/01/22 01:11 PM
37

Literally had the same convo with my therapist this week! The red flags can be so subtle, but they’re impossible to unsee once you catch them. I’ve committed myself to be available only to HVM, and I won’t accept anything less, period. Operating from that deep belief makes everything so simple. One red flag at all and it’s an immediate goodbye. There’s no better feeling than seeing a LVM for what he is and hitting him with the old block n’ delete
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/01/22 12:16 AM
44

This is a tough situation because based on the information provided, this sounds like your friend is deeply trauma bonded to this NVM. On the one hand, she’s an adult who is responsible for her own choices. Yet on the other hand, she is likely in serious need of emotional support and likely lacks the emotional skills to pull herself out of this effectively. A therapist would probably be very helpful for her. When I found myself in a similar situation with a porn addict, I started compiling a lis…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 12:48 AM
90

Thank you for this post! I love everything about this strategy!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 10:32 PM
106

I think it’s an experience that probably more accurately describes intense activation of unresolved childhood attachment wounds lol. For me, it’s a sign that I will be best off to block and delete a guy immediately. Real love slowly and gradually develops over time, and looks like two grounded individuals engaging in a way that builds trust and healthy emotional intimacy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 07:31 PM
23

I’ve read a ton about porn addiction after dating a porn/sex addict and wanted to share some of that knowledge in case it might be helpful. This mainly pertains to guys who have such a significant problem that they have to seek professional help, but I hope it might be somewhat useful in vetting men who exist along a spectrum of porn sickness. As I understand it, clinically-diagnosable porn addiction is nearly always an observable symptom of underlying mental illness/personality disorders. These…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 05:04 AM
12

I’m sorry he treated you that way. It makes me so sad to see how normalized this kind of emotional abuse is against women. Makes it really hard to see when it’s happening.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/22 03:28 PM
38

This sounds exactly like my ex. Guys like this literally behave abusively toward their partner, then when they receive a totally reasonable angry reaction, they manipulate and flip the script to make their partner the perpetrator and them the victim. My therapist told me it’s chronic abusive behavior like this that ultimately breaks down our sense of trust in our own intuition. I’m glad this relationship has ended for you! I’ve learned that the only acceptable response for me is to immediately p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/22 02:14 PM
25

Congratulations! This must feel incredible! I hope you savor every bit of your success! You’re an example for younger women of what hard work and perseverance can lead to, and I think that’s a really beautiful thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 02:31 PM
39

Nailed it. The part about anger is especially true and can be really hard to detect. The hostility and rage these kinds of men have against women is legitimately terrifying. I’d also mention that any family system where the mother isn’t largely getting her needs met by the father yield these same outcomes (ex: narcissistic fathers who are present physically but ignore their wives needs to a large degree). Men who are raised in dynamics like this and who become “mother-enmeshed” are at higher ris…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 02:48 AM
84

Wow. This is the most real thing I’ve heard in a long time. Explains the totality of my experiences with men. How incredibly sad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 04:38 PM
22

I have a predominately dismissive avoidant attachment style as a female, and I can confirm a lot of these complaints are pretty spot on. I’ve spent years working through the trauma that led me to demonstrate many of these same shitty avoidant behaviors. In my experience, my brain literally shuts down and I dissociate when I am experiencing triggers or emotional flooding, and the outward symptoms of that are avoidance and emotional unavailability. Demanding much of a person in that state is a pre…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 01:17 PM
20

The beauty of this headline is it will likely achieve the exact opposite intended goal of making FDS look bad. Any reasonably sane person who sees this and is curious to investigate FDS for themselves quickly comes to find our values are just based in equality and rationality. So, I guess, thanks for the free marketing?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 09:09 PM
9

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d recommend educating yourself as much as possible. Some of the other posts here recommended reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft and I definitely second that recommendation. Here are a few other books I’d highly recommend: In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown Wired for Dating by Stan Ta…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 05:11 PM
6

I learned how to do my makeup by watching Lisa Eldridge tutorials. She does a great job of breaking each step down and explains the reasons behind how she applies different products. It helped me a ton! https://www.lisaeldridge.com/blogs/videos/tagged/basics
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 02:20 PM
12

Yeah I think that’s a reasonable consideration to be curious about. Whatever his experience has been, it’s not necessarily good or bad per se, just take it as information about this person that you can use to decide whether he will be capable of meeting your needs/compatible as your partner. I also have very few memories of my childhood, and I’m told in my case it’s largely due to emotional neglect from my family. Over the last year working with my therapist, I’ve been able to recall more and mo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 09:13 PM
32

Just had a conversation with my therapist about this last night! She recommended I try to shift conversation topics toward family memories, and specifically listen for how a date describes childhood experiences and familial relationships, past or present. For example, try to get a sense of his relationships to his mother and father - those are huge indicators of a person’s emotional capacity and temperament. Examples: Does he talk to his mother/father monthly? Weekly? Daily? When he describes sc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 08:14 PM
7

I bring vetting questions like this to my therapist and my friends. But mostly my therapist, because so far she’s the only one who has always caught the red flags first. I’d highly recommend every woman find herself a trusted therapist, or at the very least, a friend who is a solidly securely attached individual. These folks will be able to see things more objectively than we can when we’re dating someone and possibly high on dopamine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 08:01 PM
320

Finally men are starting to police each other! This is such a positive step in the right direction.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/21 01:17 AM
11

Sounds very similar to my ex! I’m sorry you had to suffer through learning all of these shitty things. You’ll see these red flag even more clearly from now on and will be able to run the other way so much faster! You deserve so much better than this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/21 12:18 AM
202

He is overwhelmingly charming and charismatic. My therapist would say this is a clear indication something more sinister is being concealed because of how much energy it takes to be a very charming person. Healthy, secure people simply do not put fourth exorbitant amounts of attention and energy to winning anyone over.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 03:01 AM
11

This is extra scary to me because in the end my ex literally admitted to raping women by getting them too drunk to fully consent. In hindsight this was probably something he must have watched repeatedly to get to the stage where he’d actually act on it. It’s so incredibly disgusting to think about.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 01:03 AM
52

I’ve read that they’re very similar addictions. Apparently porn/sex addiction works on all four of our brain’s reward circuits, whereas only two are significantly impacted in alcohol addiction. This might mean it’s harder to quit or manage porn addition compared to alcohol addiction. You mentioned all of your exes shared these dysfunctional patterns of behavior - I’m also finding all of my exes share some slightly different but generally similar patterns as well. I’ve been working on my own stuf…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 11:08 AM
6

I recently got out of a relationship with a porn & sex addict. This is a bit tangental to your post, but I feel like it could be helpful to share. That relationship was so abusive and traumatic that I’ve been nothing short of obsessed with understanding how this starts and how to identify it in new dating partners so I can avoid it like the plague. From what I’ve read, there is a strong connection between something called “mother enmeshment” or “covert emotional incest” and porn/sex addiction - …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/21 05:21 AM
3

This is so genius! Wish I had done this all along!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 10:13 PM
84

In my experience, waiting to sleep with men for as long as possible tends to be the most useful vetting strategy around porn use. They typically give away tells within the first 1-2 months of consistent dating. As long as you’re tuned into your emotions and the signals your body will give you when something is amiss, you’ll get the information you need to decide whether to continue dating or to cut them off. I also wouldn’t automatically assume the guy is on the same page if they’re comfortable …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/21 09:24 PM
69

Thanks for sharing! I love that the issues around porn are finally part of our public discourse. And her last line is just perfect!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/21 01:30 PM
175

THIS 100% Our bodies know when a person or a relationship is emotionally nourishing or depleting, and it tells us when something is wrong! Recently ended a relationship with a porn addict, and my skin hasn’t looked this good in over a year. I used to get strange stomach pain regularly too, and that’s completely resolved without any changes in my diet. In spite of a lot of life changes that followed from this breakup, I feel emotionally grounded and capable to weather whatever storms I need to. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/21 06:30 PM
6

Maybe it’s unclear what I mean by empathy. Empathy absolutely does not equate to giving porn sick men the benefit of doubt. Empathy can help us listen to our intuition more closely to be able to act in ways that keep us safe. I’m arguing in all of this that we actually double down on our boundaries with these guys because that’s the only thing we can control. To me this sounds like anger - and don’t get me wrong, getting angry about the state of porn use and the state of men can lead to other mo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/21 11:15 AM
23

She’s probably still with him bc she’s trauma bonded to him after enduring prolonged covert psychological abuse like the gaslighting, rationalizing, invalidating “logic” he includes in his post lol
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/21 10:56 AM
14

I agree! There must be success stories of sex addicts who have been able to sufficiently develop enough relational skills to become high functioning, securely attached individuals, right? The efficacy of therapy and methods like CBT and DBT hinge on neuroplasticity and our ability to rewire our brains - and this makes me take pause here. We know that the vast majority of men who have this problem in adulthood report having been severely neglected and abused in childhood. Many report having one p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/21 01:07 AM
118

The funny thing is even if he were able to quit watching porn and masturbating compulsively, he’ll still be such a far cry away from having the skills necessary to be a healthy partner. Peel back the layers of addictive behavior and underneath you’ll find integrity abuse disorder and all sorts of character flaws around a lack of empathy, entitlement, selfishness, lack of personal accountability, emotional immaturity, and likely a personality disorder. Compulsive sexual behavior or sex addiction …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 10:23 PM
126

There is power in numbers. The more women wake up to what FDS preaches, the more we take control of the narratives of our lives - and the more women deny LVM/NVM access to them, the more the incentive structure is shifted toward positive change at every level. Stay firm in your boundaries, Queens👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 08:05 PM
65

I’ve been waiting for women to start seeing how many men have issues with porn. I just escaped a relationship with one of these sick men, and in the process have read anything and everything I can find to understand this kind of mental illness. Wanted to share this as it does a great job of characterizing just how fucked up porn sick scrotes really are: https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_7_6_21.pdf?time=1625615…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 03:18 PM
2

Thank you so much for this response. Also I can’t say it enough - I am so grateful to have found this sub. It’s helped me grow more than I could have imagined.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/20 03:38 PM
12

Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you had that experience. Unfortunately that’s been my experience, too. My opinion thus far has been that, categorically, men who self identify as having been addicted to porn are extraordinarily manipulative and deceptive. They seem to be unusually skilled in concealing their toxic behaviors.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 10:47 PM
5

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree, watching porn is an entirely normalized practice among men, and we’re in the minority for thinking it’s problematic. But I am confident it is problematic (there’s a great data-backed argument against it in Cheap Sex by Mark Regnerus). On the one hand, men who have admitted addiction and publicly dealt with it seem to be quite brave to me. But on the other hand, I see the counterarguments a lot of ladies have voiced here as very real risks. I’ve come across psyc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 10:41 PM
11

That’s a good point...I learned that there is a Sex Addicts Anonymous group similar to AA that offers programs for porn recovery, but again, the outcomes are all private. Maybe you’re right, and those who claim “recovery” never speak of it given that stigma.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 08:00 PM
12

Thanks for this. The more I’m starting to pay attention to this stuff, the more I’m also realizing I rarely hear or read about success stories when it comes to men stopping porn. Is it a reporting issue? Or is it just an unrealistic expectation? I feel like this is going to become a ballooning issue as more and more men consume porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 07:24 PM
16

I recently dated a guy in his early 30’s with ED from porn addiction. He had to take medication every single time we had sex. Honestly, the foreplay was definitely above average. I ended up breaking it off though - couldn’t handle the thought of trying to make it work long term given the porn sickness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/20 02:48 AM
4

Hi FDS! Long time lurker here - just opened a new throwaway account to get more involved. This sub has helped me so much in overcoming my fears and creating a plan to level up as a woman. Thank you to everyone posting your successes and failures - so grateful to have found an amazing community like this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/03/20 10:10 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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