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balanced-asymmetry Archive

View 0 posts and 22 comments by balanced-asymmetry on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

I agree with another comment that said a lot of it is in my head. I also think some of it exists in the people around us. The approach that's helped me most is changing how I interpret their reactions. When someone reacts to my divorce, I assume their response says something about their own relationship with divorce. Maybe their parents divorced and it was painful. Maybe they're struggling in their own marriage. Maybe they genuinely care about me but don't know how to express it. There are count…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 05:09 PM
4

Divorce can be hard on children. Without specifically knowing what your daughter is going through, it's hard to say why she's gone no contact. She may not even know. Often children feel responsible for their parents' actions because of a healthy part of their mental development that they can eventually get over by continuing their development. We don't know, you don't know, she might not even know; now what can you do? Love her. Love her however you can reach her without smothering her. She may …
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 05:37 PM
2

My goal in working on myself is to identify the parts of me that I'm still carrying and don't want to anymore. What causes me to be avoidant or aggressive in a harmful way that may bring me shame or guilt? When I think of working on myself related to my terminated marriage, I think about what caused conflicts in the relationship. Often there's something there that is a repressed feeling from childhood, whether it's from interactions with my parents or with other children in my community. Ultimat…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 03:19 PM
3

I felt an obligation to stay. I felt shame for wanting to leave because I "should" work it out. I tried to work it out in couples therapy for a year, but things to get worse for both of us and the children. I decided to leave because I wanted what I understood to be peace for my children at least half the time. It's been working out emotionally for me and the children, but the financial impact has been horrendous.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 05:26 PM
7

I knew she used me because she told me I used her.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 05:05 PM
1

I'm taking time after leaving my abusive relationship. For me, recovery meetings honestly saved my life. I realized I was using substances and self-destruction instead of standing up to the abuse and learning to value myself. One thing that’s slowly changing is that I’m starting to believe there are kind women out there, and that I’m worthy of kindness too. I connected with a woman at one point who had also been through abuse, and we genuinely liked each other, but it still didn’t feel right. Lo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 04:20 PM
7

I let her record things knowing that my calm behavior would show, and that if she tried to use the recoridngs then she would look like the aggressor for obsessively recording everything. Having your kids in the videos makes her potentially abusive, so if there's any custody issues then it's almost better it she does try to use the recordings. I would document every time she recorded you, but do not tell her that ever. Use it in court only if she tries to attack you with recordings. I would not w…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 11:59 PM
6

I see a lot of supportive and a lot of negative reactions to this post. Given this is a community of people that have a variety of experiences, it's important to understand that all of us may be going through a different kind of divorce with a different kind of person. Personally, I took the same approach as what the OP suggests, and it has been working well for me. It all depends on the nature of the person you're separating from. I totally understand that divorce isn't a one-size-fits-all deal…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 08:42 PM
1

I started coaching my kids' soccer team, reading a lot of books, doing online learning, improving my side business, attending recovery groups, going on walks, listening to self help podcasts, writing on substack, writing small software programs, gaming, and more I can't think of. The recovery group thing is dependent on what your issues might be, but assume you have issues (we all do) and just attend some meetings online or in your area. I started attending AA since I had a relatively minor drug…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 07:07 PM
2

Thanks for sharing. Glad you can breathe again. I'm almost at 3 months, fortunately I got severance and outplacement, but it will run out soon.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 10:16 AM
2

Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 06:46 PM
2

Totally happier when they're with me (50% custody), and they're less dysregulated. The kids cried when we told them, but then they started to see the benefits of me being able to parent without me being anxious about their mom coercing me through guilt and violent communication.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 03:10 AM
5

Edit: I totally misunderstood the assignment, but I'll leave this up. I already had retained a lawyer but was dragging my feet. It came down to one day when she was yelling at me in front of the kids and I calmly told her that the kids could hear us and that we shouldn't argue in front of the kids (as our couples therapist told us numerous times) and she said she wants them to hear it. I knew them that I was teaching the kids to be aggressive like her or to be passive like me in relationships, a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 02:50 AM
6

I did. Boss said he was supportive. Three months later I was laid off during the same week I moved out of the house. My boss had it out for me before that, and I knew my relationship with the company was the next thing I had to resolve by leaving, but they got to me first. I'm kind of grateful, but I've been unemployed since and support payments are about to become difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 02:45 AM
6

What's working for me is to be totally zen about her behavior, at least on the outside. This means no reactions to her behavior, whether it happens in front of me or the children tell me about it. I try to repeat back what I hear (mirroring), leaving the floor open for her to say more. I ask questions if necessary in a compassionate way ("the kids had a great time with me" ... "How did the kids have a great morning with you?"). Make sure there's no sarcasm or passive aggressiveness, in fact make…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 04:04 PM
5

I think both you and my lawyer can be right. The kids will push her to the breaking point, and she will have too much price to develop any self awareness. I'll just have to sit by patiently documenting all the outcomes, like all the times they're late to school, which was a big thing before school. It's a slow process that requires a lot of patience and zero care taking. There was a video recently that you have to allow the chaos to happen so you can document it. That's my plan, and if doesn't w…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 08:33 PM
7

It's hilarious how much responsibility my stbx said she has in her court filings. She diminished my role so much. My lawyer told me "the children will dictate the custody", meaning that once the supposedly solely responsible parent actually takes on all responsibility, the children push that parent to the breaking point. For now, I'm just casually disagreeing with her statements in her declarations, and waiting to see what a judge decides for us. I only have so much control, and if she successfu…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/25 06:39 PM
3

I wish I filed when my kids were your age. Instead I buried my resentment inside of me and that led to unhealthy coping mechanisms and troubled children. I'm now going through divorce after trying couples therapy with her for months. I had to get over the stigma and realize that if we really can't work with each other as two adults in one household then it's not healthy to raise children in the same house. Everybody's situation is different. I do recommend you self reflect and determine what cha…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 03:14 AM
6

How I'm coping with it: the support I'm going to pay was the cost of a big lesson. I decided to stop caretaking a lot of relationships in realizing how much I was hurting myself by caretaking my stbx (financially and emotionally).. Could've done better, but I didn't, so could I really? Time to move and let go of what could've happened and focus on what I can do with the rest of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:49 PM
4

What I read that helps me understand how to get through this: I had positive intimacy with my wife. Don't let it become negative intimacy. The goal is to distance yourself from the intimacy and make it a business-like relationship where the goal is fostering the development of your children. That's it. No anger, no reaction, forgiveness, acceptance, move on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 07:29 AM
2

I hear you. I'm in custody mediation and she's trying her best to get as much as possible, and I talked her down from full legal and physical custody. We came to an agreement yesterday, but it's not signed yet. I think she's going to push more because she's trying to wear me down, and some days she succeeds I have a note on my desk that says "just get out" to remind myself that I need out ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 04:39 PM
5

I'm going through this, too. Similarly I am the sole contributor to household finances, and she has her own accounts where she keeps gifts from her mom. She brought up the idea of it not being community property herself well before I filed for divorce, now she's pretending like she doesn't know what the terminology means. I found over the last couple years that she plays the victim role on everything that doesn't go her way, and I didn't really notice it until she started doing it with my kids (…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 07:13 PM
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