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bvnelson Archive

View 0 posts and 45 comments by bvnelson on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

That's perfectly normal for where you are at right now - I was the same. Focus on your basic survival needs for now Once you are past the initial shock and you steady the ship a little bit, this will be the question to start thinking about. "Who am I?"
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:25 PM
2

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I have been in your shoes and I understand it feels like your world is falling apart. Before you met your wife you were an individual human being. You need to tap into that and reconnect with your sense of self - who you are. This will take time but you are going to have to dig deep and find yourself again. Your relationship with your wife is co-dependent and unhealthy, but finding your independence again will be an amazing growth experience. Do not try…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 10:19 AM
3

First time after a long relationship can sometimes feel weird, like you're cheating even though you aren't. Sometimes we get in a routine with our ex and suddenly your brain will start going "wtf - this is new !?" You might get in your head a bit. Don't stress if you do, it's completely normal. Just ride it out and let the feeling pass. Talk to her, eat her pussy, cuddle her. If it goes well then great and if it goes badly (like my first fuck after divorce did ) then you will also be fine - ther…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 04:25 PM
11

Do not do it. 1) You will have to frequently interact with your daughter's mother for at least the next 11 years and probably more. Don't throw fuel on the fire. 2) When things fall apart with her AP (such a relationship is inherently unstable and highly likely to fall apart) you don't want you ex to be able to blame you. Don't give her that excuse. Keep your distance so that she can only blame herself for her own foolishness. None of the people here telling you to tell AP's wife will have to de…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 05:10 PM
6

When dealing with someone like this, you take away her power by not caring. Don't even mention the pics to her and if she threatens you just shrug your shoulders and make it clear she can't control you with that anymore. Caring about this gives her power over you, and power corrupts. She will be completely lost as long as you don't show any emotion back to her or care at all about her.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 10:39 AM
2

When you say "hopefully" it implies that this is out of your control, but you have more control over this than you think. As an exercise try to identify things that are in your control and things that are not. In your case - Alimony is not in your control, unless you have a chance in circumstances that gives you a good legal reason to get it reduced, so accept it. - You occasionally have to tolerate her physical presence at certain events in your kids' life, but even then you can still control h…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:10 PM
7

Stop taking care of the dog and stop communicating with her dude. I know you the like the dog but anything you care about gives her power over you. This whole exchange you shared is about power dynamics.. it's like she's pointing a gun at you when she is threatening to come after your for more money. Look - the alimony fucking sucks but that is the price of your freedom and for the mistake you made marrying her, so pay it and accept it. There is NOTHING you can say to her that will make her go "…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 09:11 AM
2

I have been in your shoes and feel your pain. None of asking, begging or complaining will work for any significant amount of time. Before divorce or cheating, you can try and get her chasing you again and get back in the drivers seat. Firstly, if she's not giving it to you, tell yourself that you don't want it. Force yourself to bury that desire for now and don't show any signs that it's bothering you. Jerk off and act like you just had the best sex of your life and that it didn't involve her. N…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 10:02 PM
6

Yes, none of your business anymore. What would you achieve ? If you want her to stay, this "gotcha" wont suddenly make her reflect and change her mind. If you just want to get the divorce over with, this will just put her on the defensive and make it harder. The one secret weapon you have in this divorce is to not care. I know it's easier said than done and will take time, but know that any power she has over you still exists as long as you still care about her. She has already moved on, so star…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 12:43 PM
7

Have you felt like you were really into a girl and then once you had sex with her you lost interest ? I think a lot of men can relate to that. It's because the chase and the conquest was the interesting part. Once you got what you wanted you got bored. It's the same for them expect they want marriage rather than sex. This is very human behaviour. One thing I learned going through divorce and talking with other guys - Many of us have the mentality that to be a good husband is to be meek, obedient…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:28 AM
3

This is great advice. I was in the same situation as OP and also made the mistake of thinking "OK this new car will make her happy....". Nope. There will always be more hoops to jump through until you stop playing her game, and the minute you stop giving a fuck about her she will immediately become attracted to you again.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 07:18 AM
1

With everything related to divorce, I always try to play the long game. Shield your kids from this unpleasantness for now and when they're older and understand more, they will be filled with admiration for how you soldiered on in order to protect them.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:29 PM
1

Cheers mate, it sounds like you are doing really well ! Another thing that is really good about journaling - I found that if I went back and read stuff I had wrote the previous year, it was clear to me how much I had grown in that time.. that can really help reassure you that you are moving in the right direction. And just to add one other thing that helped me - I started to reconnect with some old school and university friends. I found it really helped remind me who I "was".. very good for when…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:24 PM
5

Personally I think it's a mistake at this age to tell them that it was their mum's choice. It's too complicated for kids too understand relationship dynamics and you don't want them feeling conflicted about their feelings for their parents at this age. I know from experience that it's very hard to do but I believe it's best to say it was mutual decision and that mum and dad both agreed it was better to not be together, but both still love the kids very much. Spare them the details until they are…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:12 AM
1

Ups and downs is also how I'd describe it - I'd sometimes feel euphoric and excited about all the new possibilities and sometimes just feel miserable or angry. It's totally normal and over time you settle down and feel less extremes and more balanced. As to how to long it took for me to feel confident - it's hard to put a time on it but going back to the topic of dating, somewhere between the first and second year post divorce I noticed women often started really falling for me, which tends to h…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 02:16 PM
9

My ex wife had a strong personality and over the course of the relationship I stopping being "me" and was just catering to her needs. By the time it ended I had become an anxious and timid person with very few close friends and I was basically just in a routine of work, be a parent and be a husband. So to build that back up, the main thing for me was to find myself as an individual again and start talking to people. I started signing up for things in my free time - piano lessons, padel lessons, …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 01:08 PM
8

First year post divorce I made some attempts at dating but I was still not used to being single, I was still with very low self-esteem after the divorce and it didn't go well. Second year I had spent a lot more time working on myself, building up my confidence and self-esteem, getting hobbies and making friends. This gave me a lot more success in dating but as soon as relationships got serious and I felt pressure, I'd feel trapped and end things. In the last couple of years I started looking mor…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 10:40 AM
4

Your ex needs to know that you still feel SOMETHING for her (love, hate, she doesn't care which). She messaged you specifically to get an emotional response from you, and she got exactly what she wanted. I know you hate her and that will take some time to work through, so for now, channel that hatred into doing the one thing that will bother her which is giving her no emotional response whatsoever, under any circumstances. Ignore every message that isn't related to co-parenting and even then jus…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 08:20 AM
1

She is in complete control and she is comfortable, you need to take that away from her to bring some tension back into the relationship. Dont get angry or frustrated, instead start spending a lot less time with her - go out with your friends more, make new friends and get involved in new hobbies, especially ones where there are other women around. Don't cheat on her, but start being mildly flirty with every woman you speak to, even in front of your wife. Just give her a tiny bit of anxiety that …
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 09:37 AM
12

Stop feeling guilty over natural human urges. You're a 31 year old guy, of course you feel lustful all the time. It's fine and healthy. You are overthinking this. Always use a condom and do not get into a relationship. That's all you need to keep in mind. Otherwise, go have fun.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 07:43 AM
–

Do nothing. The most powerful weapon men have in a divorce is not giving a fuck. Move on with your life and live well without her. You should do that for yourself, but know that nothing will bother her more than the idea that you don't really care that much.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 08:41 AM
4

Hi mate, I (and many others) have been through similar after a divorce/affair, so don't despair. In a long relationship our brains get wired a certain way and it takes some patience to work through that, but it's absolutely doable. You will probably find viagra/cialis works and they can be a decent short term solution, but ultimately there is nothing wrong with you physically so as a long term solution you should work on the mental side. The best advice I can give you is to be completely open wi…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:40 PM
2

I was very introverted and timid around the time I got divorced (aged 36 also) and had few friends. 4 years on I have loads of friends and most would describe me as extroverted and confident. It's very easy to stagnate whilst married. Divorce, whilst very stressful, forces you to grow. It's been very rewarding in that sense. Use the situation as a chance to work on yourself and you'll find it very productive.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 08:23 AM
10

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Cut her out your life and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 04:25 PM
5

Thanks for sharing that. I have been on a very similar journey to you. 4 years since divorcing and things have thankfully improved a lot, I managed to get away from the viagra (like you - it worked for me physically but made me even more anxious if I didn't take it, and that gave me another problem to solve ). Pre-divorce I had never had any ED issues so developing this was really upsetting, and and it's been a really long and difficult journey. Even now I sometimes need to stop for 5/10 minutes…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 11:29 AM
1

Men like novelty - If we just purely follow our instincts it's to sleep with you a couple of of times and then move onto the next vagina. I feel like we're wired like that. I used to sleep with a lot of escorts but I notice I would rarely repeat the same one more than two or three times even when they were great, just because I was always curious about the next one... the "I wonder what she will be like?" is a big part of the desire for me. I have an FWB at the moment that I've been seeing since…
/r/PurplePillDebate27/10/25 09:37 AM
2

Ask yourself this - what is it about her that you will miss ? Is it really her or is it the idea of a family? Because honestly... Having a baby is hard enough without having the person who supposedly loves you telling you that you're doing everything wrong and you're not a good husband. Sounds to me like this will be an improvement in your life once she is gone and you don't have to hear all that nonsense every day. Try to internalize that mentality, and start talking to her like she is doing yo…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 10:53 AM
2

Yep, reality is going to hit her like a train in the near future so protect yourself as much as possible. 4 years on mine would get back with me in a heartbeat if I wanted it. Going to take a wild guess that you felt like you were trying to be a good husband by giving her all the things she thought she wanted - stability, good income, a family, holidays and then you felt confused when the sex life and romance died, and even more so when she leaves you for someone who offers very little of that. …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 01:36 PM
1

Very sensible! I always say - when you have kids this person is going to be in your life forever so you might as well stay on good terms if possible. Again, what you describe is unbelievably similar to how mine played out and I'm glad to say we are still amicably co-parenting. One thing to watch out for - her relationship with AP is likely to be unstable in the long term because it's built on bad foundations - so get all the legal stuff sorted ASAP while she is still happy. With my ex it all ble…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 11:28 AM
4

Totally understand you mate, I came out of a mostly dead bedroom situation (barring the occasional duty sex) so I felt the same. Again.. I'm telling you all this but I did get on the apps about a month after separating. Main issue was that setbacks (hurting several womens' feelings, performance anxiety, rejection) were extra noise to deal with and I feel like in hindsight it delayed my recovery. Escorts can be a decent option if your divorce hasn't been financially crippling. It's never complete…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 10:46 AM
6

Your story is very similar to mine, sorry that you hare having to go through that. I know you will have the urge to try hookups. My advice would be don't do it - it will give you even more issues to deal with while you are still processing the divorce. People told me that and I did it anyway, which in hindsight I feel like it was a poor decision. My advice would be: 1 ) Rejection will be very painful right now but chasing women implies lots of it. Look after yourself. Do not look to women for va…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 08:52 AM
1

Dude, I don't want it to be true, but in fact it works so consistently well that it has shaken my faith in humanity
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 06:49 AM
2

Hahaha you know it, RIP Black Phillip
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 06:48 AM
13

We would assume the best approach is fighting to convince her to stay. What actually works is the opposite - you need to make her feel like if she leaves she would be doing you a favour, because you actually want to be fucking other women. Doesn't matter it's true or not, as long as she believes it she will never leave.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 10:28 PM
11

Don't lie to her dude, you will make yourself more anxious because you are going to have to maintain that lie and each time it will make you worry more. Just tell her the truth... when you see that she accepts you regardless, then you will start to feel safe and the performance anxiety will pass. If she does reject or belittle you then good - you are better off without her. The cure for this stuff is always honesty. Weirdly I found that being able to talk confidently about this and getting past …
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 10:42 AM
12

Most women will have sex with you if you can keep up a reasonably interesting conversation over 2-3 dates and find a balance between being confident without being either arrogant or creepy. Don't lie about your intentions if asked. Be prepared to respectfully walk away from any situation the minute you feel she wants more than you are prepared to give. This is very important. Do not get into a relationship out of feeling like it's the "right" thing to do. It can take a little time to figure out,…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 10:22 PM
2

Disagree. Men have to face a lot of rejection up front, but it's before we really know or care about the other person, and is quite easy to overcome. As a guy, once you learn to deal with that, there is really not much to slow you down. Women rarely get rejected up front - but they do face rejection later on - they get to know a guy, begin to trust him, like him enough to have sex with him.. and then the next day he's gone. That is a lot more pain to overcome.
/r/PurplePillDebate17/09/25 08:45 AM
8

She is dominating you man and she hates that you let her. You have to manage that attitude of hers. Next time she starts talking about any of this stuff - your car, your job, your hair, your recycling (!??!) - just look at her like she is out of her mind and tell her to shut the fuck up. You need her to believe that if she doesn't stop bugging you, that you would gladly walk away. I know it sounds counter intuitive but this will make your relationship better in the long term. You are an individu…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 08:26 AM
5

Absolutely. I noticed that a lot of stuff that I'd normally do on autopilot suddenly seemed to stop working... locking the car after parking it, turning the stove off.. your brain is under a lot of stress and doing lots of rewiring with all the changes. Try to look after yourself and relax when possible. I started getting regular massages at the gym and found it helped a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 08:38 PM
2

It is hard man I know. I wasn't able to do it while married, but I've been practicing this in relationships since and I promise it works very well. People always talk about the importance of communication in relationships but don't really define it.. often we try too hard to say the "right" thing but what really works is pure honesty. As guys, we worry about what her reaction will be but in your case - if you are close to divorce anyway the situation can't really get worse so you really might as…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 04:37 PM
3

My marriage was a bit like this before my then-wife eventually had an affair and we divorced. Now sure if I could have saved it with the experience I had at the time, but if I could go back and try again, the two things I'd do differently would be: 1) To start to speak with her in a completely unfiltered way. Just say whatever you are feeling to her, at all times, with no fear of her reaction. We tend to filter stuff, to try and be "polite" or keep the peace.. but every time you feel any discomf…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 11:24 AM
3

She will deliberately ask for stuff that you want just to get a reaction from you. That makes her feel like she can still control you. The best weapon you have is indifference. She will be disappointed if you just immediately say "ok" to dumb requests like this. Even if it means she gets a slightly better deal, just give her no emotional response and know that it's going to be so good for your soul to get out. Imagine how happy you'll feel whe you get a new bike and don't have to ride home to he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 07:04 AM
34

Mine made a pact with her AP that they would both ask for a divorce on the same day. She went ahead with it and he didn't. We're just coming up to the four year mark and he is still stringing her along as his side chick while she works 2 jobs to pay her mortgage. First year she was losing weight all excited. Now she is overweight, exhausted and miserable. I put her on a pedestal during the marriage at the expense of my social life and hobbies but since the divorce I've been able to build a new l…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 05:27 PM
9

You have tolerated this treatment for 16 years and she has learned this and become complacent. Forget this "rough times" thing, unless you have kids there is no need to tolerate any more than a bad week. You only have one life, why spend it with someone who is making it worse. Tell her to step it up or you'll leave, and follow through with it if she doesn't.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 10:31 PM
2

Same here, was with my ex wife for about 15 years and went through the same as you post divorce. It's completely normal, give it time. I still sometimes struggle the first few times I'm with a new partner so often I will take half a sildenafil to help overcome that. I usually find after a few sessions with someone I relax and i don't need it anymore. Also just tell her in advance and focus on her a bit more the first time - go down on her for ages..she'll love it. I also have a bunch of sex toys…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 07:03 PM
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