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cdjohnny Archive

View 0 posts and 214 comments by cdjohnny on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

Definitely NTAO. If the shoe was on the other foot she'd want her half. Stay tough, its fair.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/26 12:32 PM
2

Very high chance she is already having an affair. The I love you but am not in love with you is a very common first step. She most likely wants a trial to see if this new relationship is going to work out. Don't move out, its your home too.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:13 PM
4

OP take this to heart. Its always emotional affair...then they say it was just kissing...then just oral...then you finally realize they've been banging for the last year.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 01:29 PM
1

Holy crap, how did lifetime alimony happen? Does that actually happen in CA or did you give in? I was married for 14 years and alimony was set at 5 years.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:04 PM
2

If it is a violation of something documented in the divorce decree file a show cause. They have to explain to the judge why they are violating a court order. Otherwise you can always file a complaint with the FoC and they will investigate, although not sure how good they are.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 12:25 PM
8

Divorced in 2008. Remarried in 2011 and very happy. 2nd wife is a gem. Money was tight for about 5 years, then manageable, now I'm much better off. She's still broke. Two points of advice - put no cohabitation of non-related opposite sex when children are present AND alimony ends when they get married. Saved me lots of dough.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 08:00 PM
1

Hopefully you didn't add her to your house title. If you didn't, its premarital asset and should be protected.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 08:15 PM
3

She wasn't your business partner she was your wife. What value you individually bring to the marriage isn't relative, you are treated as one.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 05:00 PM
3

Most areas have a standard parenting plan provided by either the court or the state. Not sure if yours does, but it then becomes the other parents problem to show the court why they can't work with it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 04:29 PM
8

Courts really don't give af about affairs anymore. Focus on yourself and your future, leave her to the streets.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:32 PM
11

It's separate, tell them to F off.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 02:15 AM
3

That's a big no.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 02:48 PM
3

Store a reasonable amount of cash somewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 09:08 PM
5

It's a contract. I think you're only possibility to get it changed is the income issue. Talk to three lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 02:56 PM
6

Do you not have a lawyer? FFS
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 03:33 PM
4

oh f no....do not do this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 02:35 PM
9

I had a court referee tell me "off the record" that the court defaults to the mother for custody and once it is set, it takes an act of God to modify it. Hopefully my court is the exception but I doubt it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 01:15 PM
2

DM'd. Represented my ex...interview and make sure you feel good about it. No promises on my side, but wiped the floor with my loser lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:39 PM
2

I did dinners with the kids every Wednesday and Friday night through Monday morning every other weekend. I also had first right of refusal if she needed coverage on her days. I got them cell phones and we either texted or talked / facetimed everyday.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 02:03 PM
2

It's in the court order. When she violates the order immediately file a show cause. She stopped but I would imagine if she kept doing it I probably would have gotten the kids full time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 12:51 AM
15

I had a clause in my divorce decree that no adult members of the opposite sex, other than immediate relatives, could spend the night with my children. Considering she was banging half the town I was very glad I did that. And yes, it was enforced.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 10:02 PM
1

Good advice here. Just be prepared as once you file they will discard you and do everything they can to destroy you. You are no longer a person but an object that is threatening her view of who she is and what she wants to present to the world. They will lie without any remorse as you deserve it in their mind. They will make false accusations and try to goad you in to fights. If she gets crazy pull out your phone and let her know you are recording. Keep everything to facts. My ex went as far as …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 04:54 PM
5

Don't let her quit working and don't take on any additional debt.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 04:02 PM
2

OP don't ignore this...this is the way
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 12:31 PM
1

Login to your router and look at active devices. If it is wifi it will be shown and you can disable it. On your phone, pull up Bluetooth setting and see what is available. Otherwise, you have to keep searching the house.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 01:30 PM
7

I lived in my office as well. Just stay calm and don't fall for her trying to bait you. You can certainly tell her "I'm recording this for both our safety" when she gets crazy....
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 12:20 PM
2

Nope
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 01:40 AM
14

Sorry man, I've been there. First, monitor all your finances while you / her haven't filed so she isn't draining accounts or racking up credit card bills. When you do file, any calculations should impute her income as a nurse...she won't be able to just stay at home anymore. You'll probably get stuck with some alimony - fight for as short as possible and be adamant to have a clause that it ends if she cohabitates or gets married. One thing I did is require that my ex couldn't have overnights wit…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 11:43 PM
7

The new guy she had in mind (or in the physical) did not pan out. This is usually the reason....
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 07:01 PM
2

check with your FOC, many have apps that are monitored by FOC and are required for each parent to use. I have a friend whose ex constantly called her names, etc...it helped immensely
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 11:57 AM
2

10 years of child or spousal support? I was married 14 years and only got 5 years of spousal support. It only lasted a year because I had a clause in there if she got married or cohabitated it stopped. Saved me a ton...
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 08:42 PM
2

I'd suggest a counselor or a book (search co-parenting with BPD). It is incredibly hard to co parent with a BPD.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 05:14 PM
1

Slam the ham
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 03:45 PM
12

Todays value less what you owe / 2 = what she owes you...
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 02:02 AM
8

Between the 2008 recession, losing my job and divorce I was totally wiped out. Like zero.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 08:38 PM
9

Congrats! Accountability is a hard pill for some of these ex's to swallow.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 11:32 PM
2

Whatever you agree to is going to be in a court order. So if you decide to ignore it you are ignoring the court, not your ex. Jail time will happen, judges don't like that. You have once chance to get it right, no changes are going to happen later. Get a new lawyer and go to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 03:58 PM
3

I find many people go to counseling for affirmation rather than true, honest and transparent feedback on their actions and views.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 03:20 PM
1

Only implication is if you violate it she can file a show cause motion to see if you can be held in contempt for violating a court order. Result could be getting yelled at by the judge, fined or put in the clinker for a couple of days - depends on the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 08:11 PM
3

Be wary on the options advice, 90% of traders lose money.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 05:27 PM
4

You have to use the courts. If you can't afford a lawyer, research Show cause motions and file asap. Basically you are asking her to come in an explain why she is violating the court order on custody / parenting time. The judge will slay her.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 05:28 PM
10

All I can say is my ex is BPD, cheated on me and the first day I moved out I felt like I had just been paroled. I've never looked back and my life has been drastically better. You might also think about how BPDs devalue people, i.e. YOU. Her motivation is focused on herself and her needs, not you. You are merely an object to get what she wants and most likely to maintain her own imagined self identity and perception of what others think about her.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 03:20 PM
2

It's not your job to prove you didn't send the email, its her job to prove you did. You just tell the judge you didn't. Basically the show cause is used to drag someone in who is violating any order the court has issued. If she's pulling this stuff just to hassle you ask the judge for her to cover your lawyer fees, or if no lawyer, pay some sort of fine for your time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 12:39 AM
3

Show cause...let her come before the judge and explain herself.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 08:58 PM
10

Be prepared for her to bait you in to fights, arguments, etc...to get you out of the house. Always be calm.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 07:45 PM
6

Stay on deed until removed from mortgage
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/23 01:55 PM
1

Great list. I'd add that you really need to think ahead of time on how you will handle the status quo filing once you file. How the bills will be handled, what expenses are allowed as part of the status quo, how a house sale would be handled, including timeline if that is applicable. Anything important that she can destroy move somewhere else. Get a journal and document everything, record anything if she gets violent. Just be prepared that they will do things you never, ever expected them to do.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 10:24 PM
2

At $160k $2250 seems way too high. Alimony is to give her a boost to be on her own, not to supplement her enough that she doesn't have to work. Consider if she has a degree, any past experience that will help her get a job and also the length of the marriage. 5 years is probably not too unreasonable but I'd think more in line would be around $1200 a month. Oh, and put in the decree that it stops if she either gets married or cohabitates with someone. I did this, literally saved me $36k.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 10:19 PM
5

OP take these words as facts. And she will 100% use the kids to get everything she can get. "This is for your children" usually means I'm a selfish bitch and give me what I want.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 10:37 PM
1

No documentation related to repayment or loan terms and you are in the clear. Just stand your ground and say you never took any of these as loans. My ex tried to do that same thing to me. Judge said if the third party wants to sue for the money they can but it is not included in the divorce as debt.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 05:44 PM
2

Dude you are 23, you have an entire life ahead of you. Take some time, grieve as you need, and then get back out there.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 10:18 PM
1

Exactly right. And be prepared for her eruption over not getting what she wants. Don't give in to fights, record everything if she is getting crazy, keep a journal. She will bait you on a daily basis to get you kicked out.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 05:54 PM
6

Yes, 100%. She has a right to know.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 05:57 PM
5

Personally I like the companionship and the commitment marriage represents despite my ex not taking that commitment seriously. My second wife, married 12 years now, and I share the same morals, interests, etc... It's not always easy but I'm happy. We both have kids but not together, were a bit old for that. Oh, and I made sure I married someone on an equal footing from a savings and income level. I think this is key.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 12:15 PM
3

Judge is punishing you for not having a lawyer. Not fair but many are like this.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 05:31 PM
2

Document financial responsibilities in your status quo order, especially any spending / credit card debt that is incurred.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 02:50 PM
3

Research symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Fit my ex exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 02:48 PM
1

Don't hide anything especially anything with a digital footprint. The judge will massacre you and most likely award the entire amount to your STBX
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/23 02:52 PM
1

Not sure how it works where you live but my ex owned all of her cc debt that she accumulated after the date I filed. She filed bankruptcy within two years.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 05:57 PM
2

Record everything 2. Call police as soon as she hits you 3. Don't swear or hit back
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 03:12 PM
5

My ex is BPD...fucking crazy. Further away and least amount of communication is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 03:45 PM
1

If the parenting time is in a court order file a show cause with the court so she can explain to the judge why she is violating the order. I did this myself and it worked. Judges do not like their orders ignored.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 07:18 PM
3

Personally I would have to know. What you decide to do with that information, if not your child, is a separate issue.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 12:58 AM
2

A person that hits you like that will NEVER do anything "amicably". It sucks, but I'd make a police report. It will help you with custody and also put her on notice to never do that to you again.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 07:51 PM
1

Pretty sure it would have to be Cobra. She should go on Obamacare.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 07:42 PM
1

Not even close to being old enough. Next time home alone call the police to do a welfare check.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 12:58 PM
1

I think your only remedy is to file a show cause with the court and have her explain herself to the judge. Judge's do not like their orders to be ignored. She'll most likely get a yelling at and "don't do it again". Whether she listens or not is up to her. A lot of it depends on the judge you get. Some will throw her in jail for a weekend if she violates it again; some will just ignore it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/23 01:12 PM
2

Deny everything, tell cops to piss off unless they have a warrant, delete anything you have.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 04:14 PM
2

Heed this advice. They love 50/50 so they can have half the time off from their kids. They don't love the reduce money they'll get and that they have to actually get a job, with benefits.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 01:58 PM
1

I didn't know you could make it non-modifiable in Texas but cover with your lawyer. Also, get their opinion on support v maintenance. I believe maintenance (ordered by the court) is always modifiable.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 12:01 AM
4

If you're staying with the beard make sure it is nicely trimmed...not like a mountain man. Dress nice..wouldn't worry about the shoes too much.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 11:46 PM
8

Good news is the first year is the worst and you're through it. Get some therapy, focus your energy on new things, your child and yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 01:06 PM
1

The pain your feeling is adult pain...dad pain...and I get it, I've been there too. Your kids won't feel this. Love them unconditionally, stay positive, make every minute count with them and let them feel secure knowing you are always there for them. This will last for them long before you're dead and gone.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 01:24 AM
7

5 and 18 months. Seek counseling and be open with her. This is not the time to bolt IMO based your circumstances
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 10:35 PM
1

Keep your head on a swivel bro!!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 02:17 PM
1

Exactly. That should have been part of your divorce judgement specially for your 401k. My extremely lazy ex didn't bother with it. Mine took ten years to expire but then I just moved it in to my own retirement account. She still has no idea 15 years later.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 02:06 PM
2

Don’t touch it until your qdro expires. Then it’s yours.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 02:20 AM
13

You're wife is no longer your family and you will never lose your kids. The time you spend with them post divorce will be focused and much more valuable than what you spend now. Its hard, but you'll get through.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 12:00 AM
8

I thought PA had a fault option, no? Key is to file, lock everything down financially. If she just wants to sit around and wait it out its up to her. She'll most likely change her mind once she is served.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 05:54 PM
1

She'll probably go crazy when you tell her. Have a camera nearby and do not hesitate to call the police and have her arrested for domestic violence. Would be a lot easier to have her removed from the home.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 01:58 PM
2

You should ask your lawyer the best way to get it documented, but yes, it needs to be a court ordered thing. Either in the initial status quo or as part of the divorce judgement. Judge will look at current assets and income to make the ability to pay determination.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 05:58 PM
2

Most judges will consider the womans income/ability to pay and also put a cap on your exposure to her attorney's fees. You just need to make sure you ask.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 03:50 PM
16

Kids involved? Never underestimate a woman who loses in court!
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/23 07:00 PM
1

Yep. Imputed income
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 01:41 AM
1

Not sure she should be having custody of your kids at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 04:30 PM
6

If she truly has a personality disorder and she has devalued you, there is no turning back. She will use you for whatever she needs and get all her other needs met elsewhere. She is keeping you down as a means to control you and to make you co-dependent on her. You probably feel as if you are responsible to make her happy? That is all crap and you deserve better.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 01:45 PM
6

I love that she is "demanding" alimony. 8 years with no kids, same education...can't imagine a judge giving her alimony for being lazy.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:59 PM
3

I love the 👌 replies. Must be driving her insane!!
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 09:57 PM
1

No judge will give her more custody because she doesn't want to drive. She's entitled and lazy, treat it as such.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 06:15 PM
2

No, a narcissist cannot change. They also look for people with co-dependent traits and exploit them.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 12:16 AM
2

I'd double check on that gross income comment. I don't believe courts treat it at gross...its like any other business, expenses should be deducted because that is your true income and what you are taxed on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 01:45 PM
1

Just say no. It’s not part of the agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 11:39 AM
2

I honestly would not have shed a tear if she dropped dead during the first 5 years. Its now been 14 years and I almost never even think about her. Time and distance helps the heart heal.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 04:17 PM
3

Get a lawyer 2. Don't entertain or discuss any financial related items with her or her parents. 3. Get a status quo/temp support arrangement asap 4. Not familiar with CA, but in most states judges have discretion to split debt based on actions of the parties, you may not be stuck with half of this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 12:21 AM
14

You're worth more than this.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 05:32 PM
1

You seem to be doing all the right things...just here to tell you keep it up! You'll look back one day and be glad you made this move.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 05:00 PM
6

Sounds like my ex...who also had a new guy. So no, you don't trust her and you shouldn't. File quickly and lock down all of the money. Don't leave the house and don't agree to anything. She needs to know you are serious and you need to be ready for the crazy to come out in full force. Don't get in to side deals or conversations, go full business mode. My advice is to get a counselor as well; they can help you through the crazy and the inevitable gaslighting she'll be throwing your way.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 02:04 PM
2

Maybe...depends on if a judge would interpret it as an intent to provide you equity based on your labor. In any case, I would pursue that in court or at a minimum have your lawyer use it as leverage. The worst thing that could happen is the judge says no which would be the result if you don't do anything with it. You only get one shot at this, pull out all the stops.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 04:03 PM
1

Get a counselor as well who can walk you through and be a voice of reason. Chances are you're co-dependent and don't even know it. She's probably BPD as well. I speak from experience.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 02:52 PM
1

I'm a strong believer that people have a right to know that their spouse is cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 07:30 PM
3

Where I live you basically sit in front of a FOC judge, make your case and they spit out a custody agreement along with parenting time plan. It takes and act of God to move it afterwards. Have you done anything like this? Feels like you are negotiating with a terrorist. Once documented she has to follow it, no choice. A buddy of mine's ex was a total Karen - she tried moving it around, changing things at a whim, and ended up spending the weekend in jail for violating it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 05:26 PM
2

I had less days with my kids after my divorce but double the quality time.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 07:41 PM
3

Wife was banging the soccer coach
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 06:20 PM
1

If it's not in writing it isn't agreed to. If its not in a court order then its optional. If its in a court order and she violates it, do a Show Cause and have the judge rip her. Judges hate when people discard their orders.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 08:50 PM
2

Great advice. Be mentally prepared for her trying to suck u in to fights. She’ll rage when she isn’t getting her way. Don’t engage
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 02:16 PM
1

I think anything after the filing of the divorce should be credited as part of the property settlement. I'd ask your lawyer but this should be considered outside of the normal status quo.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 07:27 PM
-1

I'm not a lawyer but it seems that your agreement is valid even if not certified or part of the divorce judgement yet (w/o seeing the agreement that is). I don't think there is any restriction on spouses entering in to signed agreements with each other. I'd ignore her attorney and only let your lawyer respond. Good luck!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 07:25 PM
1

You mentioned the agreement was "filed". Where was this filed? And are you divorced or still in the process?
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 07:13 PM
5

Bro this has to be a troll post.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/23 02:59 PM
2

Trying to follow...is the divorce judgement already entered? If so, do not negotiate anything with her or her lawyer. They need to go to the judge and submit a motion to change and the judge most likely will say no. As others have said, only work through your attorney...ignore the other attorney and your ex. If judgement already entered and she is violating terms, drag her in to court with a show cause.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 06:33 PM
1

And?
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/23 09:31 PM
2

It absolutely is a debt. It can impact your credit score, ability to get a mortgage, and if you don't pay you can have your assets taken through liens and/or garnishments. Not sure what else you would call it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/23 08:58 PM
-3

You would be willfully violating a court order, most likely have an arrest warrant out for you. Always a chance of getting arrested if you come back. I'd pay my debt...
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/23 06:21 PM
3

Yes Godfather 😀
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 03:04 AM
2

I used to dream about my ex getting hit by a bus.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/22 03:48 AM
1

If she doesn’t have funds that you can recover later to make you whole then I would file a show cause now. If she does then your lawyer is probably right.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/22 02:18 PM
3

Tell the judge you need her out of the house
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 09:16 PM
3

Bro you need a good therapist to get you out of this. Sounds like ur codependent to the max. Break the chains and be free.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 03:12 PM
2

check your court rules, I thought Michigan was it had to be in the mail 9 days before the hearing date.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 02:15 AM
9

Bro all good....all good.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 02:04 AM
5

Tell the judge you weren’t properly served and ask for continuance.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/22 11:04 PM
1

So 10 overnights and 16 days (includes the day after the overnight because I did see them). The biggest thing for me was to really have quality time with them...not having them on days allowed me to do all the other stuff so when I did have them they got 100% of my attention. I also talked / text them daily.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 11:11 PM
1

I did every Wednesday overnight and every other Friday through Monday a.m. It worked out well. Not sure why you would need an attorney for your kids...that really seems like a waste of money.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 11:00 PM
2

I had a clause in the order that said alimony ends if she gets married. Also had a clause that she couldn't have unrelated men stay over at the house when the children were present. She got married within' a year of our divorce...best day of my life :)
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 11:38 PM
1

Get your own account, pay the bills out of it, put limits or cancel credit cards, etc...as long as you can account for the money and show you continued paying the status quo you should be ok. She'll drain everything if she can.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 02:28 AM
2

Was married for 14 years, now divorced for 14 years. The last 14 were much better.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 02:01 AM
3

Yep, been there. Cheating, lazy wife and I paid big time. I would have felt better if there was some control over how it was spent but the courts don't care or just don't have the resources to monitor it. Make sure they impute income to her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 01:52 AM
1

Not sure where you live but in the US she wouldn't be able to just "remove it".
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 06:39 PM
2

Find a good counselor to help you through this. You're mind is going to be fucked up for a bit and they can help navigate, essentially a life coach during this time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 02:36 PM
6

100%
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 09:52 PM
2

When I moved out I felt like I just left prison.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 12:18 PM
1

Exactly. He’s not a party to the case so do not let him in the mediation!
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/22 02:11 PM
3

A judge will enforce it if it is in the divorce order. Probably won't add it later though unless there is a unique circumstance such as the ex bringing in multiple men, abuse of kids, etc..
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 02:48 AM
2

Yeah that is a bummer. I would think you could still petition the court / file a motion to modify. I don't think its in the best interests of the kids to allow this to happen. Run a background check on the guy if you can. Good luck !!
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/22 04:10 PM
6

For everyone else out there you need to have a non-cohabitation clause in your order. I did, solved this problem.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/22 02:28 PM
1

You certainly are in the drivers seat and able to determine what is in the best interests of your kids. She already alienated herself. I'd give her some scheduled phone time and see if she can follow it and that you are allowed to be on the call.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/22 01:15 PM
1

Do you have an order that states you have full custody or do you just have full custody because she abandoned the kids? If you have full legal and physical custody, does the current order stipulate any parenting time or communication requirements? Where I'm getting to is the only things that matter are what is in the order. If she is supposed to have time in the order, you need to either give her that time or submit a motion to modify the order. If you have this all tightened up though I would n…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/22 11:56 PM
10

Really depends on the kids and how you approach your life after divorce. Don't talk bad about the mom to the kids, always do the right thing, swallow your pride and anger for the benefit of the kids - in the long run they'll see their mom for who she is (mine did). Although if one of the kids is like their mom, it may be a lost cause.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/22 04:29 PM
2

yeah, just be careful of the fall-out. My ex went around and spread a ton of lies to counter anything other people heard. She even tried to file a false rape report (I wasn't even in the state). Some people are just crazy...you don't want to end up being a Dateline episode.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 02:06 PM
1

File your own motion in court and bring in documented harassment. I dumped my lawyer after the final judgment and did everything else myself. It really isn't that hard to do. Not sure what your state is like but in ours my motion was typically heard by a referee which is less stressful than a judge. Also, some courts have apps that can be used for texting so you can block your ex's number, and that app is monitored. I'd see if they have something like that. At the end of the day - document and i…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 02:04 PM
2

Everything is at risk until someone files.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 11:35 PM
10

Or kids soccer coach :)
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 04:27 PM
1

I think the marital split is the day you file so it probably doesn't matter.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 03:46 PM
4

Disclaimer - I'm not a lawyer. Seems like they have absolutely no right to ask you for anything and I wouldn't provide anything. The court has already entered a judgement. They have to submit a motion to modify the judgement first and I can't see why it would be approved. Interested to hear what others have to say.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 09:14 PM
3

I’d take option 3. Stay where ur, keep making money and she finds an apartment to live in. This is in the best interests of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/22 07:10 PM
12

I got divorced 14 years ago, my son was 5 and his siblings were 7-12 years old. I made sure every event was covered, school supplies were bought (she was supposed to, never did), drove all over hells creation to make sure I covered for her. It was hard and I was busy all the time. Here we are 14 years later and my kids and I are very close and looking back those were the best years of my life. They also have each thanked me for being such a great dad and lets just say they are very aware of thei…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 12:44 PM
1

Most states base it on overnights as well as income. If she has the majority of the overnights, you're going to pay. In MI, expenses are generally considered the responsibility of the parent being paid. You should check and see what your state typically does in case they just scammed you in to it. It would seem pretty likely that a judge would consider making those late nights overnight visits if you're able to drop them off to school in the a.m. I did every other Fri night through Monday a.m., …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/22 01:45 PM
2

“Emotional” abuse and financial control. That’s the usual mantra
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/22 05:07 PM
5

This!!!
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 01:44 AM
2

Search up codependency and see if u fall in to that category in your marriage. I was and a great therapist helped me set my mind right.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 01:40 AM
3

Depends on how old the kids are and how bad your marriage is....so many variables in a decision like this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 12:29 AM
10

Look online. Most states have a calculator. Don’t fall in to the trap of paying her because u have the ability and it makes u feel good because u can. Pay what is fair and what the court expects u to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:01 AM
1

Nope!!
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 02:45 AM
4

I was married 14 years w/4 kids in MI. Based on my experience, she will get alimony for probably 5 years. Amount will depend on how much you make; for example if you make $100k it will most likely be around $1000 a month (this can be negotiated in mediation). I would add in the stipulation that if she cohabitates with a male or gets married the alimony stops. For child support, she'll be imputed income and she will have to get a job with benefits. My ex thought she could stay home as well but th…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 04:48 PM
4

5 years isn't a long time. They will look at potential to earn (imputed income) and also the reason why you are unemployed. She's also working now so she has shown an ability to earn so that will be weighed. Alimony is to help them get on their feet, not provide an income stream for life.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/21 04:26 PM
3

Not sure if it applies with mediation, but I used to always say "No" and if needed, file a motion with the court for relief along with the request for my ex to pay for attorneys fees. This seemed to eliminate all the bullcrap she was doing.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/21 05:09 PM
10

Truth of the matter is she doesn't respect or care about you. My ex is the exact same way. She probably still blames you for everything wrong in her life I bet. At the end of the day, your time is your time and hers is hers...thats it. Don't budge, no emotion.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/21 01:53 PM
2

Hang in there, it gets better. One thing I focused on was the peace I had after the divorce vs. the constant chaos. Find simple things you enjoy. Sounds weird, but getting up on a Saturday, going to Panera and getting one of those sugar filled cinnamon bagels and reading the news was a great thing for me. Stay busy, find hobbies, interests, etc...
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/21 03:29 PM
1

Most judges will consider the money she took prior to filing as part of the marital assets to be split. So no, she doesn't get to take half and then want half of what is left.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 07:02 PM
1

First, put all pride aside. Now is the time, and only time, to get what is fair for you. Alimony will probably happen and it should. Don't give it up because she makes you feel guilty or less of a man. It probably won't be a lot though, alimony is not what it used to be. Not sure why you are giving your kids your insurance money. You will need to retire, they are young and your ex makes good money. Look out for yourself and she can help support them with college, etc. Push for her to pay attorne…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 04:59 PM
6

I would check the recording laws in your state, they vary in Australia. Having a recording of any false accusations or threats can protect you from future false claims. Even if the law says you can't record, there are cases where a judge will accept it when you have no other recourse. I'd also consult an attorney and ask them how you protect yourself going forward. Documentation, journals, etc. are key. Lastly, don't tipoff your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/21 04:05 PM
2

They just can't let go of their punching bags...
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/21 05:39 PM
9

Sounds like you are already in the process. Do you have a status quo order? You should...all debt she racks up will be her own.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/21 11:55 PM
1

In Michigan, you can do a show cause and bring them to court. They have to answer to the judge. We had a case where a mom kept doing that and the judge put her in jail for the weekend and told her that she would end up in jail every weekend she pulled her crap.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/21 07:21 PM
7

If it is movable, I'd move the safe, keys or not. Nice way to get some leverage.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/21 04:39 PM
3

Yeah, combination of entitlement and lack of self control...sounds like my ex. I would just send a non-emotional email that says that you don't agree with what she did, it violates the order, and any further violations will force you to do a show cause. If she wants to hire an attorney and file her own motion, thats fine, but you expect her to follow the judgement as you both agreed it is "in the best interest of the children" (that is key). She'll lose in court, its almost impossible to change …
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/21 04:37 PM
3

Well a judgement is a judgement, whether you went through the FOC or not. This would require you to submit a request for hearing, along with a show cause identifying what she did. She'll have to explain herself to the judge on why she violated the judgement which won't go well for her. If she hasn't violated it yet, let her know what you intend to do if she does violate it. Hopefully she's smart enough not to violate it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/21 03:26 PM
7

Nope, she has to suck it up. MI is pretty tough on the JOD and if she doesn't follow it there will be consequences. You just need to alert the FOC (document) and file a show cause against her. I'm in MI, my ex tried the same thing. I filed a show cause, judge transferred it to the FOC referee, and they railed her in the meeting. She stopped. I had a friend whose ex ending up going to jail for a weekend because she kept violating the JOD as well. Entitled thinking doesn't work when there is a cou…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/21 03:10 PM
5

As my buddies in my old divorce group always said "Carpe Diem Motherfuckers!!!" Cheers and enjoy!!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/21 04:28 PM
3

Chances are the judge will refer you to a FOC investigator who will conduct interviews, etc. The main factor will be what's best for the child. If you've been an involved dad, have a close relationship, etc...chances are she'll be denied. That needs to be your focus; your relationship with your child and desire to be an involved father.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/21 01:07 AM
1

Probably not a good idea but everyone is different. In-laws will always side with their blood and your ex will probably be pissed if you continue to see them and try to sabotage it. I had a great relationship with my ex in-laws...did everything for them when their own son didn't do anything and my ex did nothing but fight with her mom. Once divorced, I was told they were shit talking me to their friends to make themselves feel better about their crazy daughter. That was the end of it for me.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/21 04:35 PM
3

I'm a bit confused. If you both agree to split the marital assets (investments plus house) then you are good. You just need to draw up the agreement and the judge will approve. Child support will be based on how much time you each have, your income, and who covers insurance and expenses - in MI its just a calculation. Is she fighting you on any of this?
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/21 04:27 PM
6

Need more info on your current situation to give a good opinion. That being said, in many cases they say they want a divorce to officially put you on notice. They feel less guilty about whatever they are doing then (cheating, dating, hiding money, etc...). If her life is easier without filing she'll drag it out especially if it comes to money. If she can live off a two income household why rush a one income household.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/21 04:53 PM
9

Basically you'll split the value of your assets and any retirement benefits you each accrued during the marriage. I doubt she'll get any alimony...she works and has the same income. I wouldn't cave on that for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/21 12:44 AM
2

Learn to ignore it now as it will continue for many years. Like water off a duck man, give her no reaction.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/21 09:29 PM
2

Sucks, I've been there. Lock up your money now
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/21 05:45 PM
1

100% agree with this. I would add make sure you are looking at your accounts and seeing if any money is flowing out or credit cards racking up. Whatever she does is marital until you file. Just protect yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/21 12:52 AM
1

How does one force you to pay without a court order??? STOP
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 05:38 PM
9

It's probably 100% that she was having an affair before separation (I've been there). Given that, the court probably won't care. 1) Lawyer - lock up both of your financials and regardless if she chose to move out, she needs to contribute. 2) Despite her cheating, determine if she is a healthy influence on your kids. Can she be a good mom? That is key; don't try for full custody as revenge for her cheating, it will hurt your case 3) Get a therapist to help you process this and to stay mentally he…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/21 04:17 PM
2

So true. I never regretted my divorce, so a little different case, but it took me 5 years to feel like my old self again. Key is to figure out how to manage and keep yourself healthy until you reach your own "emotional finish line".
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/21 03:51 PM
4

Great advice, OP follow all of these steps with great vigor. And seriously, DO NOT HAVE SEX with her. If she can't afford an apartment that's her problem. You seem like a giver type of person and she certainly is a taker. Very dangerous combination, I know from experience.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/21 03:08 AM
2

I've been divorced 13 years now and my youngest is now 18. It was hard and I feel for you! I will say that I focused a lot more when I was with my kids and had real quality time and I think that made a huge difference. There is no way getting around those birthdays/holidays, etc...but make the most of the other time and it will pay dividends. Good luck brother!
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/21 12:44 AM
3

Yeah, I agree for now, but get those papers in order and don't let yourself get screwed. I had a shit lawyer who signed me up for status quo on this until the house sold with no other conditions. My ex cancelled every showing and I had to take her to court to approve the sale. It was an absolute nightmare and drained me financially. Good luck to you!!
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 10:57 PM
1

She doesn't get to live in the house under status quo as if you were still married. She needs to pay her own way.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 10:54 PM
9

Wait, why don't you have a place to stay? Why would you move out during your last semester. Stay put...she is going to want child support and you certainly can't pay it if you don't graduate. She can't see this?
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/21 03:14 AM
7

If she can't qualify on her own you need to sell the house. Otherwise you will never get your equity and will end up back in court forcing her to sell the house. Are there any other assets you can exchange for the equity? The house may be great but this is a consequence of divorce. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Protect yourself and don't sign anything until a lawyer reviews...its worth the money and time.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/21 09:22 PM
3

Yeah, my ex was like that. Most courts will let you take them to the doctor and submit the copays to the court and they credit your child support account. Takes the wife out of the middle and you get your money back, although not right away.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 07:49 PM
2

I downloaded them using a $4 app on the iTunes store. Worked just fine.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 07:36 PM
2

My ex is BPD. The first day I moved out I felt like I just left prison. The sun never shined brighter, rainbows appeared, and birds landed on my shoulders and sang me a song.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 07:33 PM
2

Only thing I would add...keep your phone charged and record any incidents.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 07:30 PM
3

Ask your lawyer if they are using a state child support calculator. Also, make sure you are getting credit in the calculation for the medical insurance (which will only be the difference between the cost of a single plan vs. plan to add your child) as well as daycare. Make your wife pay for all medical co-pays, etc...that is pretty standard.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/21 07:22 PM
2

I should add some context. I'm not talking about me making $30k and she is making $35k. Also, we each agreed to what we would put away in savings as a percentage of our income...both savings and retirement. We keep all accounts separate. Her value is higher than mine because she makes more. Our state is a 50/50 state...so my shit is secure. Unless of course she finds out about my crypto account :) BTW - we are both CPAs and I'm 100% confident in this approach
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 03:14 PM
-2

Nah, but if we ever divorced, I know my shit is secure
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 07:12 PM
4

This is a tough one but he certainly needs a strong influence in his life, so giving up and letting him go probably isn't best for your son. Maybe utilize a counselor in this situation? Puts you out of the middle, makes your son feel listened to, but adds another person holding him (and your ex) accountable?
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 07:06 PM
4

I actually like being married so I made sure my second wife made more money than me. Not a lot more, but more....
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 06:52 PM
3

This is what I would do. You can't ask an attorney to do it for free, kind of insulting.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 03:00 PM
4

Make sure you have 50/50 legal custody. This gives you the right to be involved in decisions regarding medical, schooling, etc. Be realistic on what is best for the kids from a physical custody perspective but make sure you get it legally documented as "parenting time". You will have the right to see your kids and she can't use parenting time as a way to make you do things. Understand that it is almost impossible to change physical custody once signed, so get everything you want now.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 02:30 PM
1

My brother, I have been where you are at. Make sure you get counseling to help you sort through this. I was co dependent to a narcissistic person and didn't even know it. I felt like I was in a dark hole and could never get out. I got through it with counseling and good friends. It will get better. Before making any decisions think of the long term and how it will effect you and your kids. You have worth and you deserve to get a fair deal. Be strong, it will get better. I have a great life and a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 02:04 AM
1

Harsh reply, but on the nose
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 11:14 PM
1

Based on her attitude I would guess she is having an affair. Her mind is not right...get your own lawyer and brace yourself for the worst. She won't stay amicable for long. Once you start talking house, debt and her having to get a job she'll start getting angry. Good luck my man.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 11:11 PM
2

THIS...I was co-dependent on my first wife...took me a long time to figure it out with a great counselor. I focused on my kids and truthfully, was so much happier not having and carrying her stress around and being able to really focus on my kids. Years later...3 of my kids don't talk to their mom and we are all close.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 11:08 PM
2

So IMO, if she hasn't cheated on you, spent all your money and is a reasonably decent person I would get a counselor and give it a last run. Three kids deserve the effort. It may just work out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 11:02 PM
7

LOL, I was so dumb I married twice! Although my second wife makes more than I do....that was a requirement for me.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 10:59 PM
2

This is great advice...you HAVE to relax, stay calm and know this is only a bump in the road for the rest of your life. Come off as the calm sensible person and it will work out. Then get her out of your house and cut off all contact (except for kids stuff of course).
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 10:53 PM
3

If you get odd years, then you have the child for 2021 which you will file for next year.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/21 02:08 AM
4

I stayed in the house until we were close to finishing up. Lived in the den, spent a lot of time with the kids. She went out and partied and god knows what. Not going to lie, it was hard, but it was worth the time with the kids and making an orderly transition out while not draining my bank. You have to know she will try to goat you, just ignore it and don't engage.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/21 12:05 AM
3

Most states use a calculator for child support. I would assume your initial divorce used the same. If not...you may end up paying more or less. Her healthcare is her problem, has zero to do with child support. Don't try to negotiate anything, let the court handle it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 09:10 PM
2

This. My ex did this all the time. She is an entitled person and actually likes to fight. It's August for gods sake, she's just trying to stir things up. When I started to ignore things like this my ex my stress level dropped a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 08:51 PM
1

I worked a lot and settled for every other weekend Friday night through Sunday morning PLUS every Wednesday overnight. It worked out well.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 01:49 PM
1

File and lock up all your assets now. Don't tell her!!!! I've been through this, trust me.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 12:36 AM
1

Not a lawyer but seems reasonable. If you can be amicable, and get everything in writing, will save you headaches in the long run, especially with your child. I'd still run a support calculator online to see if the support amount is fair. And make sure it is modifiable if you lose your job or she makes more.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 12:35 AM
2

Check your state laws. But why do that? You know she'll come after you for something else. Plus money today is worth more than money down the road.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 12:30 AM
3

I don't know you or your ex, but damn...I'm thinking write the dog off and GTFO of there. It does suck, but you will look back and realize you gained the rest of your life back! Make it count.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 12:29 AM
6

Exactly...and get a lawyer and give her ZERO indication of what you are doing. I learned this lesson the hard way a long time ago...lock up those finances or she can legally drain everything before you file. She'll have no choice on the house unless she can buy you out.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 09:40 PM
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