db1342 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
3	How did you all deal with betrayal? Cutting her out of my heart was hard, but I did it. Problem is, now I can't bond with anyone else. Betrayal killed the marriage, but it also killed my ability to connect and trust. There's a part of the distance that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to close again. Without that, it's just fcking and cocktails. Which are better than no fcking and no cocktails, but are a shadow of what I once thought being with a woman might be like. In a funny sort of way that's how I know I never hurt her nearly…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/07/26 03:57 AM
3	I knew this would be tough. But to see her immediately with another man… Sometimes the availability of a man is the last thing they need to leave. At least you know, I was trying to get her back for months while she laughed behind her hand. She was f*king him one day and in marriage counseling the next. If he'd sucked in bed would I have stayed married until the next guy came along? I'll never know! If you're like most of the guys here, you loved her, but she was a giant pain in the ass. Now she's his problem, and you don't have to make that mistake again. You're fre…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/07/26 03:47 AM
2	Been sleeping better and lost 20 lbs since divorce. Strange thing is I've only been divorced for 3 weeks. Is this normal? Lots of guys do lose large amounts of weight, yes. I lost more than that, although over a longer period. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely work. It's a serious physical shock. You've no doubt heard of old guys who die right after their wives, I assume that's the extreme version of the same thing. Take care of yourself, it's a long road.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/07/26 03:33 AM
4	Imminent Divorce "I tried to divorce her in 2020 but the case got dismissed." I don't know what that means, but much may depend on whether that counts as the "start of the divorce" or not. If it does, and you'd barely been married when it happened, she'll get almost nothing. If it doesn't, and you're starting from zero now, she'll get a great deal more. Your situation sounds pretty complicated, with a prior case and multiple jurisdictions. Jurisdiction is everything in divorce, as the rules vary wildly between s…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/07/26 05:43 AM
3	Just had the talk None of these guys know what'll happen, they just know what happened to them. Here's what would be on my mind: * Nothing she has said so far about the terms of your divorce will matter at all, put it all out of your mind. You'll probably hear her actual demands out of her lawyer's mouth, and they'll be totally different. * The advice against moving out is partly about placing her in a domestic situation she doesn't want to be in, in order to apply pressure for settlement. It's mostly a fit for g…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/06/26 02:37 AM
1	Do I tattle on my ex wife and her paramour? (After divorce is final) This gets you nothing of true value and might cost you a lot. Never forget how much she can harm you if she chooses to. A "finalized divorce" is still just paper. You got out of this thing with almost no losses. Don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory! Nobody gives a shit when married people betray one another. My ex paid no price whatsoever, despite what she did being completely obvious. This justice you're hoping for won't come no matter what you do. If you did what you wanted to do, you'…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/06/26 02:08 AM
19	How soon is ‘too soon’ to start ‘exploits’ after telling your husband you no longer wish to be married to him? You're hoping she violated some rule, and that someone will judge her or that she'll pay a price. There are no rules. She'll pay no price. By entertaining these thoughts, you quietly promise yourself justice the world will never deliver. That's a great way to get stuck, and getting stuck is one of the biggest dangers you face.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/06/26 05:07 AM
3	Will conceding the house hurt my custody time Keeping the house was the best decision I made. It has value to you that's way greater than its financial cost, and the formulas simply ignore that part. * For my kids, my house is home, her place is not. * Kids don't know the real story, all they see are the superficial things, so that's what they pay attention to. The one who leaves is the one who broke their family, and the one who stays is their reliable ally. I wanted the facts to match their perception. * Moving and establishing a new life…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/06/26 04:45 AM
3	The "I checked out a long time ago" excuse Mine saw a lawyer 8 years before she left me. Heard a number she didn't like, and that was the end of "grieving the relationship". Needed to let her investment mature first. What her "warnings" amounted to was "I want even more than you're giving me". My "failure to listen" was actually "you're already getting every bit as much as you deserve, and more wouldn't be fair". When manipulation failed, and when she realized that number was now higher, she then betrayed me. How they treat people who ha…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/06/26 03:55 AM
27	The "I checked out a long time ago" excuse Brutal truth is it doesn't matter when or how she came to not like you anymore. Once she does, there's nothing to be done, and why would you want to share a home and a life with someone who quietly hates you? I want my shit back, and I want those wasted years back. I don't want her back.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/06/26 12:39 AM
2	Good experience with female lawyers? This "get a bulldog lawyer" advice never rang true for me. Remember that an attorney advising you to fight is also advising you to line his pocket. A contested divorce is many times the fees of a more routine one. If you're like many of us, you'll eventually end up hopelessly lost in a tangle of anger and grief and grievance, unable to reason clearly and stuck between intolerable options. At that moment, you'll turn to your lawyer and ask, in all earnestness, what is your advice. What will be be…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/06/26 02:45 AM
2	Advice...I won't hold anyone accountable...WA State...contested divorce. Specifics are so state by state I won't comment, but don't underestimate the importance of leverage, which matters everywhere. You've already done one of the smartest things you could do - keeping the family home and getting her ass out the door. Her demonstrating that she can get that free house ahead of negotiations was also a major screwup on her part. It would have been much smarter to keep that under wraps and cry poor during temp orders. She clearly isn't very good at this, and isn't liste…	/r/Divorce_Men	16/05/26 06:56 PM
3	What does your successful post-divorce "Day 2" look like? In my experience the last two things had some overlap, and happened around the same time. This invites ugly talk about "replacing your wife", but for me it was subtler than that. It was evidence that I could still be loved, and that her rejection wasn't the end of that for me. I was less angry because the most valuable thing she took wasn't gone after all.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/05/26 08:24 PM
1	Difference in Women vs Men After Divorce Don't waste your breath fighting arguments that were never meant to be taken seriously. The man is made to pay because he's there, and he can, and she'd be a pain in someone's ass if he didn't. Why do you rob banks, Willie Sutton? Because that's where the money is.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/04/26 04:31 PM
11	Difference in Women vs Men After Divorce Plenty of men end up seeing it as a blessing too, after the grieving and the rebuilding are done. They just don't tend to hang out in places like this once the hurting is done. Who left who is the main thing. The one who leaves usually thrives quickly, because they did their grieving and rebuilding while still married. The one who was left takes longer, and does their grieving under harsher and more dangerous conditions. One moved out of their house with cardboard boxes and a moving truck. The o…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/04/26 04:10 PM
2	What the fuck? That was my wife, only she didn't even work. It ended because she cheated, but now that I'm past all that pain I'm astonished I put up with her entitled crap for so long. Yours probably can't see what's really going on and lives in some alternate reality where she's doing all the work. She's performing emotional labor you see, and you're emotionally abusive. Which translates as she books their annual dentist visit and she doesn't like that you're pissed at her for being lazy. She won't change ou…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 07:45 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do Going to that restaurant despite feeling like everyone was staring at you was quite brave, so you've got that going for you. But you need to make that shift into believing that nobody gets to judge you for stuff like that. So long as you're doing no harm, your way of going through the world is as valid as theirs. Sit there at that table, and believe that, and own that, and experience what that feels like. Your attitude matters a lot. Until you get out from under all that childcare though...	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 07:33 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do Did anyone else give a shit that there was a man by himself enjoying his dinner? You aren't on the straight and narrow now. Admit broader possibilities than you did before. Don't try to live your new life using rules made for the old one. Personally I like comedy. Sit in the front row!	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 04:58 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do A happy father 4 nights a week is a whole lot better than a depressed father 6 nights a week. There are male au pairs if you really feel that way. Plenty of married mothers know their husband would fuck the help, so it's a thing. Yes, it's deeply uncomfortable. Successful divorced life is like that. Stuff is an unfamiliar and worrying shape, it looks and smells weird. It's like food in a foreign country. Try it before you rule it out. The happy version of your life probably has a shape that woul…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 03:20 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do Took the liberty of reading your other posts. Sounds like you're not hurting too badly financially and that their mother is unfit. You need to be buying more child care, to give you enough flexibility to actually have a life. Yes, it will be expensive, but so's wasting your life, and being raised by a depressive is very bad for your children. Fix it! An au pair might be the right thing if you have space in your home. If you don't, consider moving. You've got too much weight on your back. You've …	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 02:35 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do It's going to be really hard to build a life for yourself with responsibilities that heavy. Most of the guys here have 50/50 or less, and that's an entirely different feeling. The people I know in your situation (mostly women) say similar stuff to you. It's the relentlessness of it. I bet you spend most of your weekends off cleaning! I assume their mother has fled or is unfit or something? Assuming she isn't around, is a multigeneration household or an au pair, or a standing babysitter booking a…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 02:11 PM
1	Someone tell me what to do You talk a lot about not having free time due to kids... do you have sole custody, is that it? My nights away from my kids, while sad, were when I did and still do my rebuilding. If I hadn't had them I would have struggled much harder. If you have sole custody, does that still need to be the case?	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 05:48 AM
1	Wife is thinking of leaving. How do I avoid alimony? There's a few things. None are astonishingly effective, but you might chip some of it away. You can try to get her to move to a state where it's more favorable. If you're in a nightmare jurisdiction like California that's doubly attractive. You can try to get her to work, or work more, or for more money. That tips the formulas towards you somewhat, and weakens any argument she might try to make that she isn't capable of doing anything to support herself. You can find out if you're close to any t…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 05:01 AM
1	What reforms to marriage & family law would you propose? No tax breaks for married couples. That you said some promises you didn't mean and threw a party should be of no interest to the state. Tax breaks should only be for parents, because only they are doing something the state has a valid reason to subsidize. That would cause there to be way fewer marriages. Marriage means resource pooling, and resource pooling always produces freeriding. In a partnership there should be two free standing adults. In a marriage there's usually an adult and a child.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/02/26 04:12 AM
3	Struggling with divorce, I want to kill myself Yes, it hurts. Yes, your old life is over. You built that life. It follows, then, that you can build another, especially at your age. Go to a therapist. Get some pills. Yes, it's humiliating to admit you need that stuff and can't figure it out alone. Yes, those things are very imperfect and only kinda-sorta help. They will buy you time. The last word on suicide: “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable - except for having just jumped [of…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/01/26 02:17 AM
1	Infuriated by family court, no fault divorce, and support payments 95 percent of alimony payers are men. 85 percent of child support payers are men. Marriages where the woman earns more aren't the norm, but they aren't as uncommon as that. The bias isn't written into the laws anymore, that's true. It reveals itself in how the negotiations play out... but it's still there.	/r/Divorce_Men	05/12/25 03:11 AM
1	The marriage we really want Basically never happens. Their supposed need for the "security and public commitment of marriage" and blah blah blah somehow disappears when it'll cost them your money.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/11/25 04:07 PM
1	Future of a seperated man with child Maybe, but maybe not the way you think. I've run across this: Women with children (especially solo parents) can be hard to date because days when child-free time lines up aren't all that common. You reach this bottleneck where it's either end the relationship because seeing them so little is so frustrating, or start being present in the lives of the partner's children. Much depends on how compatible the custody schedules are! Women without children... I've found they're often willing to date a f…	/r/Divorce_Men	20/11/25 11:47 PM
5	Infuriated by family court, no fault divorce, and support payments The latter.	/r/Divorce_Men	08/11/25 01:34 AM
11	Infuriated by family court, no fault divorce, and support payments When men stop agreeing to it, it will stop happening. It's not like divorce is some well kept secret.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/11/25 10:03 PM
11	Had trial yesterday. Lost the kids. How to cope with this? Please share your tips. You might have to give her the money as if she had them full time. That's actually the law in NY state, once she reaches 50% custody she gets it all. Brutally unfair obviously, but stops a lot of custody battles.	/r/Divorce_Men	04/11/25 07:11 PM
1	Honest questions regarding all your ex wives Blood relations are the only true family now. I can't make my mother not my mother or my children not my children, and shed all my obligations to them, by saying a few words and signing a paper. At will divorce was the end of marriage as a family tie.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/25 08:44 PM
2	It all happened today "She keeps saying that she wishes she didn’t have to do this, and that she doesn’t want to do this, and that the good outweighs the bad in our relationship, that she loves me but just can’t be married and has commitment issues." Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. After a marriage that short, with no kids, and at your age, you'll have forgotten about her the week after you next get laid. They absolutely will do this after 20 years just as lightly as they do after 2. Most men are only capa…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/25 04:22 PM
15	Honest questions regarding all your ex wives That she'd been using me since we met, and was too entitled to even understand what that meant. That I was so insecure that I'd had no boundaries at all. Having boundaries with a woman wasn't something I even knew was possible. Also that she was intensely boring. Somehow I was happy anyway. Strange how that works.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/10/25 09:23 PM
1	Beginning med/arb. Had first intake Dangerous territory. Which would you rather have: * She's legally entitled to four days, and gets CS as if it was four days, but tends to drop the kid on you for an extra day most weeks. Whenever she gets pissed off with you she can take that away, and so has leverage. * She's legally entitled to three days, but gets CS as if it was four days. She knows you'll always take the kid when she wants you to, and so will push for as many formal days, and therefore as much money, as she can get.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/25 03:13 PM
2	CS The cap in NY state is fake, they pretty much always use their "discretion" to go over it. Only question is how much. Very judge dependent.	/r/Divorce_Men	20/10/25 08:29 PM
1	I put inheritance in joint bank account. Am I fucked? So long as her name isn't on the mutual fund, you probably keep that free and clear, which is very good news indeed. With the joint account, there's a high risk you lose half. You have to make an uphill argument it isn't "comingled". How uphill that is probably depends on the state, the judge, and how long it's sat there with other money going in and out. The biggest thing I had going for me was that she couldn't physically get at most of the funds and start spending. She had to settle with me t…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/10/25 10:23 PM
2	A reflection from "ELONAIRES" We did this to ourselves. Being a housewife in the west used to be genuinely hard. A lot of hard, dangerous work, an actual concrete contribution, coequal with that of a working husband. That hasn't been true for at least 50 years. Housework is largely mechanized, clothing is mass produced, childbirth is no longer seriously dangerous, and the children spend most of their time in school. Women were the first to realize that this was no longer a meaningful way to spend your life, and understandabl…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/10/25 07:14 PM
3	Married men (especially those who’ve been divorced) — what led to your divorce, and what kind of life partner do you wish you had chosen instead? A long story which amounts to my having married a selfish woman who saw me as a means to the life she wanted. I agreed to what I always knew was an unfair partnership because I was deeply insecure and thought I was lucky to have anything at all. See what marriage is with clearer eyes. It's two people screwing and sharing an electricity bill, it isn't some cosmic spiritual union. Ask yourself regularly whether it is still what is best for you. Not for "us", not for the kids... You. Don't lose you…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/10/25 02:44 AM
27	Men who got walked out on, is it offensive when your STBX says they mourned your marriage during it? "I mourned the marriage while I was in it" usually means "I met someone I liked better and made up a story that made my betrayal your fault". The routine frictions of any long marriage can be spun into that story if you're inclined to do so. "Oh, it's so clear to me now, I wasn't just being pissed off about everyday annoyances, I was mourning!" You got betrayed by the person you trusted the most. That hurts, and it wounds, and it leaves scars. Try to get through this with your ability to trust i…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/10/25 08:46 PM
3	Alimony goes poof Dude, we're trying to tell you, she'll un-admit it or say "I didn't mean it like that" or "it doesn't count because X" or something, as soon as she figures out it'll cost her. Whatever her line of argument is will be listened to. You'll have to prove it over her objections in court, so you should equip yourself to do so. As soon as she learns her vulnerability, she'll act to make proving your case harder, so you have to act now. She's not going to just say "you got me I give up". It's notoriousl…	/r/Divorce_Men	06/10/25 07:18 PM
3	Fucking bitch You're not wrong. Mine suddenly said she cared oh so terribly much about stuff that happened over ten years beforehand and didn't amount to much more than my working too much and being frustrated at her for not pulling her weight. The guy she badly wanted to sleep with absolutely wasn't a factor, this was totally due to my years of neglect and her not getting what she wanted for her birthday. She believes that to this day. Earnestly believes she didn't cheat or betray me, and that she's 100% my …	/r/Divorce_Men	03/10/25 12:32 AM
2	Ethics complaints against OC, or your counsel Don't waste your time. You know a bit about this system now. You know how it's going to protect its own.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/09/25 01:07 PM
5	Fathers who are on child support. My ex doesn't even pretend child support is about the kids. She spends as little on them as she can get away with. When they actually need anything they come to me.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/09/25 02:20 PM
1	CA RSUs granted before marriage Gonna be a state by state thing, based on precedent. In New York the ruling precedent is DeJesus vs DeJesus. It does give them a large piece of the unvested stock, even if it vests after the date of separation, so long as the grant occurred during the marriage. I hope for your sake that the situation in Cali is less absurd, but most things to do with divorce in Cali are awful for the high earner. If her lawyer is good and they hear you work in tech (making an assumption here) they'll know to tur…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/09/25 09:12 PM
3	Full of resentment Plenty of women on their "second time around" are just as cautious and have barriers just as high. You don't have to be offering everything to still have something to offer. You don't have to marry them. You don't have to live with them. So long as you're honest you can make these decisions honorably. You can't really protect yourself from heartbreak, but you can protect yourself from being looted again.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/09/25 07:29 PM
8	Curious question for men who are divorced and aren’t interested in a relationship how do you handle your sexual urges without a partner? I remember how badly I was exploited, how casually and brutally I was betrayed, how much I lost, and how little sex I was getting even before that. I dated and slept with people after my divorce. It was nice. Just nice, nothing more. Not a good enough reason to stick my remaining arm in the woodchipper and hope she doesn't switch it on this time.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/09/25 03:35 PM
1	Ex wife just living it up It's best understood as a private welfare system, designed to take pressure off the public one. "Universal basic income", but only for women.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/09/25 12:58 PM
2	Why the fuck would anyone get married again? What's in the agreement is only one half of the issue. You have to prepare all kinds of evidence that she read it, and received legal advice, and wasn't under any kind of pressure, and fully understood everything about what she was doing. You know, like you did when you got married and unwittingly signed away half your shit without there ever having been a written contract, let alone informed consent. Family court judges are tiny emperors. The laws they "interpret" are so vague and contradictory…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/09/25 01:36 PM
2	Why the fuck would anyone get married again? And you're hanging out here why?	/r/Divorce_Men	15/09/25 01:22 PM
3	Why the fuck would anyone get married again? Having women as friends is a great deal more satisfying than having them as lovers. Lovers basically never talk about anything real, sex is the end of honesty. When I think of sex now I mostly think of the cost in time and independence and worry, and how little I want to pay it.	/r/Divorce_Men	12/09/25 01:45 PM
4	For those that were betrayed….How long did the shock take to wear off? 2 years soon. I don't think the shock will wear off. I just won't be able to believe that particular fairytale ever again. Relationships after this will be limited, and will be run in contemplation of an ending. There will be an innermost circle to my life that she doesn't enter. Children are genuine family. Wives and girlfriends are not.	/r/Divorce_Men	08/09/25 07:12 PM
3	I want to move on emotionally, but alimony won’t let me It's best understood as a private welfare system built on top of a co-opted religious tradition.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 09:20 PM
4	I want to move on emotionally, but alimony won’t let me Usually she has to get legally married, which of course they never do. In some states the law talks about cohabitation or something, but I hear it's impossible to prove.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 08:52 PM
9	How did you make sense of her walking away after years together? You'll never have an explanation that makes sense. Realize and correctly value what the marriage really was. It was always a great deal less than the story you were telling yourself about it. It's not some cosmic eternal union, it's two people sharing bills, plus a party where people make some ceremonial promises neither of them means. As soon as being out of it seems better than being in it, someone's gonna leave. She just realized that earlier than you did. Also when they really do just hit ou…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 12:23 AM
1	Wife cheated during separation Not your monkeys, not your circus.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 12:14 AM
10	Trying to fit 2 families together Let her go man. You can find another girlfriend. If you damage your relationship with your kid, that's for keeps. They're college age, they go where they choose, and where they choose won't be your place. That you're even considering this makes me think you feel lucky she chose you and like you won't get another chance like that. You will.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 12:10 AM
6	Thinking about filing for a divorce! Who files first doesn't usually matter. Whether the bank accounts are joint or separate also doesn't matter. You owe her half of whatever was "accumulated during the marriage", regardless of whose name is on the title. How exactly that gets figured out is what gets the lawyers paid, but for only three years there's only so high even the looniest interpretation of that can go. Alimony is also going to be fairly slight for such a short marriage, if she gets it at all. The great bulk of your liabil…	/r/Divorce_Men	20/08/25 04:50 AM
2	Divorcing after 23 yrs of marriage and I'm heartbroken The few months after a really long marriage collapses can be very dangerous for men. * Don't die of despair * Don't get addicted to anything * Don't get angry and lose control * Don't lose your job "I'd never do any of those things"... old you wouldn't. You don't know this new guy yet. Be careful while you figure him out.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/08/25 11:26 PM
1	Every time I get a text The worst is being told you destroyed your marriage for a bunch of reasons that don't make sense, and then finding out later she was just cheating. Very common. She needs a story for herself and her family that makes her the victim. So you get to hear some insane construction of petty complaints and grievances from ten years ago that are suddenly marriage ending. It's delivered with total conviction, they're great at believing their own bullshit. Your life is getting burned down and you can't ev…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/08/25 03:14 AM
4	New Girlfriend Suddenly Not Feeling It Dude, I'm hearing a lot about what she's got for you and not much about what you've got for her. Your marriage was 90 day terms, but post divorce relationships? They're cash on delivery!	/r/Divorce_Men	18/08/25 01:56 AM