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View 1 posts and 45 comments by detmus on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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136

detmus/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 12:09 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

I went the opposite way— incredibly intense desire to connect with someone on a profoundly emotional/spiritual level. If it goes beyond, wonderful.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 01:22 PM
1

This is the first step in a long, but very rewarding path. It’s not necessarily linear, but there will be an end. Take care of yourself so you can take care of those amazing kids.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 12:49 AM
1

The Quiet is the reason I did not want anything to do with the marital home. Once I knew the marriage was over, I wanted out of that space as quickly as possible. I live in a new-to-me apartment which has a very quiet community on top of the quiet from only having my kids 50% of the time. All of this is to say, The Quiet isn't a lonely quiet (for me). It's a beautiful, peaceful, grounding quiet that I very much enjoy. The vibe is so different that my young kids even made an observation recently …
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:38 PM
4

Hang in there. I feel like a broken record, and I cannot recommend Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" highly enough. It's not a self-help or strategy book, but if you are able to pick out and apply even a fraction of the Stoic principles, the High Road does present itself in a very tangible way.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 01:45 PM
3

I mean— there were a few stray days here and there ;)
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 01:39 AM
3

My heart goes out to you, man. Our paths are very different, and while I can empathize, I know I've never walked in your shoes.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 07:11 PM
3

The thing that helped me *immensely* was stumbling into Stoic Philosophy two years before I filed. It just happened to work that way. The only thing you can do is to be in control of yourself. My ex threatened to sell everything under the sun, wanted sole custody of the kids, etc. I'd be willing to bet all of these actions on your soon to be ex's part are kneejerk reactions to try to get some sense of control of a situation which is inherently out of her control. I lost track of how many times I…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 06:04 PM
4

This is a sad reality. It's not lost on me how dark it *could* have been. For better or ill, I was of the, "I don't want your money. I don't want your retirement. I don't want alimony. I need one of our cars, buy half of the house from me, and let's be done." It was still a surreal uphill climb.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 03:18 PM
1

100%. It's not a circus, though. Dishes go in the dishwasher, etc, but if/when the pot boils over on the stove, that baked on mac & cheese emulsion water stays put on the glass cooktop until they are back with their mom.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 03:42 PM
1

"Real" is a great way to put it. I just got my divorce finalized, ink dry on the page, last week. If you're able to wrap things up in mediation, you are closer to the end of the process than the beginning at this point. Stay on the path and stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 07:56 PM
3

I had two mediation sessions, and the second/final was in mid November. The first was all about the kids, and the second was all about the finances. I could have pushed for court and very likely gotten everything I wanted. The main issue I had with this is that a court date in my county was at least 2 years away, and that would be another two years of limbo for everyone. I wasn't willing to do that, and I don't want to give a dime more than I have to toward the family court system. I came in wit…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 07:51 PM
8

The brain's job is to "keep you safe" and safety means "familiar patterns." I think "what could have been" is a form of grief. I think we all want to imagine the endless good times, support, and love with the person we married. However, the person that we married doesn't exist anymore, and the other simple fact is that we have also changed. For me, the best thing was to let those feelings come, sit with them, and let them go. Feelings are not necessarily facts. Do whatever you need to in order t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 01:34 PM
2

He’s a bit polarizing, but I think Ryan Holiday’s “The Obstacle Is The Way” is a great intro to Stoicism. After that, Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations” are what blew my mind open. Seneca and Epictetus are brilliant, but there’s something about Aurelius, the most powerful person in the world, still doing the work to live a life according to the four virtues.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 03:16 AM
6

I saw mine coming, and it was a looong process, but it finally wrapped. Before you go to war: Stop drinking and cease any substances immediately. I was stone cold sober for nearly two years before I filed. Find some sort of religion, theology, philosophy that is aimed at making you a better person tomorrow than you were today. I found Stoicism to be life changing. I wish I’d have had found it sooner. Eat healthy. Exercise. Start going to therapy. Do as much as you can with the kids. Don’t just f…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 02:30 AM
3

I told my boss, and they were beyond amazing about it. Basically got the, "Do whatever you need to do so you can take care of yourself and your kids, and let me know if you need anything."
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 03:13 PM
2

FWIW, I have two very young kids, and while they know something is off, they don't yet "know." Their mom and I worked everything out through mediation-- not amazing, not devastating. We're officially divorced as of last week, but still under the same roof until after the holidays for the sake of the kids. We've been having separate holidays for over a year, so they already know that Dad doesn't go with them to see Mom's side of the family on Thanksgiving, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 11:37 AM
3

I was stonewalled for 2+ years-- shut completely out. It was like I was Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense." I knew I was going to be the one to have to make the drastic changes. One morning, after once again having my existence denied on her way to work, I called her as she was leaving the neighborhood and simply said, "I know this is over. Do you want to go straight to lawyers or try this ourselves first? Her answer was, "Whatever you want to do." That was all the confirmation I needed to know i…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 12:59 PM
6

I don’t know that any father celebrates it. It’s the “best bad option.” I miss my kids when they’re gone, but when it’s my time with them, it’s ON. I feel like I’m a better dad when I have them if only because I’m rested, balanced, and I can do all of the mundane cleaning, meal prep, shopping, etc., when they are with their mom.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 02:36 AM
3

You should feel used, because you are being used. Draw a thick line in the sand. Cut her out of the picture as much as you can. The only way you start to heal is when you put boundaries up. Maintaining patterns is easy. Breaking them is difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 10:39 AM
4

Getting this laminated at work tomorrow!
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 01:22 AM
4

This is how you know it was the right decision to end it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 01:52 PM
1

I like is as a concept and a legal option. I initially angled for this with my soon to be ex, but it quickly became clear that her capacity to be reasonable doesn't exist. We could have been done and over for $500 if I would have been willing to allow myself to be steamrolled on her timeline. Instead, I've had to lawyer up and push the entire process through with resistance at every step.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 02:12 PM
11

Was this the first "rebound" relationship for you post separation? I feel like this is a particularly difficult space. You've gone months or years with zero positive attention, and then you get an abundance of it which can blind you to a lot of red flags that would have been clear as day had you been a bit further on your journey. I'm in no way making excuses for her. This is just a reminder to say we've been there, go easy on yourself, and take things slow.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 05:55 PM
6

100% This. Moving forward, everything is about you + kids, and setting yourself (financially and emotionally) to be the best possible parent you can be. For all purposes, she’s gone, and has no power over you. Anything she says falls right off.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 05:04 PM
1

Honestly, you say nothing, let him handle it with the ex, and follow his lead with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 09:20 AM
4

Same. Same same. I’m in the process now, but I was stonewalled for 2+ years. I’m the one that filed, and zero surprise, I’m the villain destroying the family. I refuse to raise my kids in this environment. They deserve two happy, healthy parents, and they need to see what real love and partnership looks like.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 11:11 AM
5

I’m not there yet, but I know these days are coming. I think the best thing you do is keep that door open for her and stay positive. She’ll know that you’re always there for her even if she’s not choosing you at the moment.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 01:28 AM
9

Could not disagree more with all of this-- to the point where I'm thinking, "Did this person skim Thomas Hobbes and then try to go full-satire?" The income = custody argument is null. The decisions that you make *as a couple* do not factor in? If a married couple decides that there should be a stay at home parent, that stay at home parent with zero income suddenly gets zero time with their kids in the event of a divorce? The higher earner then has to pay for care for the child so they can "have …
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 12:23 PM
7

It doesn’t spoon feed how to live your life, but it’s how MA approaches life through Stoicism. “The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your thoughts.” Big truths. Apply however you see fit.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 04:51 PM
6

I’ve been reading Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations” cover to cover for 2.5 years. It’s been hugely helpful. The most powerful person in the world 2000 years ago figuring it out on the page.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 04:19 PM
4

Check, check, and check. I know this space all too well. It’s emotional abuse. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’m so thankful I stumbled into stoicism and connected with an amazing therapist. Divorce is awful, but it’s the beginning of getting yourself on the right path.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 12:49 AM
8

These days will come and they will go. They aren’t easy, but they aren’t permanent. Keep your head up, lean in, and be there for your kids in the best ways you can. The fact that they can say, “I want mom,” to you is an indicator you are a safe person for them because they aren’t judged or criticized for saying it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 10:17 AM
-7

She’s never not going to be the mother of your kids. If you’re in good terms and don’t have expectations go for it. Give the necessary assurances to the GF.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 10:15 PM
5

You file. You file now.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 12:27 PM
2

I feel like I’m walking into this situation. Things are “amicable” and my soon to be ex is the higher earner. I’ve definitely been the “I’ll make it happen” guy when it comes to kids because I necessarily have sought jobs with less pay but more flexibility to be able to be present and available.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 10:58 PM
12

Maybe tangentially related, but “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday blew open the doors to Stoic philosophy for me. Stoicism has had an amazingly positive impact on my life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 12:29 AM
5

Short answer: No. Do people mess up? Yes, but be The Parent. Have boundaries, set an example, and have the awareness and skill to take yourself out of a situation before you blow up.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 10:41 PM
4

You’ve got to do what’s best for you and your kids. In my situation, our marriage was a slow death. I have been sleeping in the spare room for two years. Enough was enough and I filed for divorce because I don’t think she would have. My kids are younger than yours, but I made the decision that they need the best dad they can get, and I want to be able to model what a healthy and loving adult relationship looks like.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 11:59 AM
1

Mine never threatened it, but for as long as we've been together, I've had to be the agent of change. We've started the divorce process, and my heart goes out to her because I still think she would rather continue to live in pain and is dragging her feet even though I found out that she lawyered up first. I've been the one initiating all movement in the divorce process and I'm trying so hard to keep on the high road. There's a lot of virtue in temperance, and we have many years of coparenting in…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 03:00 AM
7

You’re not losing it. You’re triggered. Keep doing your best to be positive. You have zero control over how others perceive you. I’m early in my journey, but when I get a text like that, I respond with, “Thank you for letting me know.” It acknowledges what they said, but you don’t need accept the blame or responsibility for how they feel. That’s a losing battle.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 01:01 PM
3

Do NOT leave the house.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 12:51 AM
13

Great topic. I’m in the early stages of my divorce. Kids don’t know officially, but they’re smart and they “know” on an intuitive level. I’m cautiously optimistic for things to be amicable and civil, but time will tell. My takeaway is that through years of therapy, I’m the one that gets to break the generational trauma. I refuse to pass that on to my kids. The best way I can provide for them is to give them the best version of me. To do that, I’ve got to split from their mother. They deserve to …
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 07:54 PM
4

I’m at the start of my journey. Is it the case that you have right of first refusal? It sounds like your ex is communicating in an All Business manner. I can see how this would be very triggering. One thing I’ve had to learn on my journey is how I can do this same thing with communication. “This is happening, do you want A or B?” It feels cold and completely lacking in empathy to me, but it’s also necessary, and that perceived coldness keeps communication clear.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 10:32 PM
1

Ask. Stay strong, ask very direct questions with "I feel..." statements, and keep your emotions at bay. You are gathering information and not trying to win an argument.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 01:14 PM
3

After two years of being stonewalled, one day of saying, “Good morning,” to have zero response (again) was finally enough. You tell her it’s happening. There’s never a “good” time, but ripping off the band-aid kick starts a chain reaction of stepping back into yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 06:40 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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