fps81 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
1	Domestic violence allegations I dealt with DV claims from my abusive sociopathic ex. Like most women, she hit me whenever she got angry, which was often, but I never called the cops. She claimed i was “intimidating” and “yelled at her”. Neither was true. My lawyer said that the court sees women make claims all the time and knows they’re BS, but it does make some of the older conservative judges more punitive towards the father. My first judge was a conservative and we had to settle for my ex having the kids 4 days a week. 3 …	/r/Divorce_Men	09/12/22 02:04 PM
2	Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced? New York isn't one of those states, though. NY only requires ex spouses to be allowed to take COBRA.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/11/22 05:15 PM
1	Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced? Talk to your employer/insurance company. NY only requires them to offer COBRA benefits to ex-spouses, and most won't allow you to add ex-spouses to a family plan. I worked for a company that actually had in the employee handbook that if they caught you doing it, they'd sue you to recover the costs of insuring the ex spouse.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/11/22 05:14 PM
2	advice for dad considering divorce You will want a custody or parenting plan in place before you move out. If she flees the jurisdiction with your son, you should file ASAP; typically the child needs to reside somewhere for 6 months before the jurisdiction of the case will change. The court will force her to return your son if she leaves and you file. Just keep in mind, the custody plan is separate from the divorce. Do the custody part first. Also, buying property while in the middle of a divorce is risky. The new property is tec…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/11/22 01:14 PM
2	ex changed 401k contributions after I filed You played by the rules and figured out that there are two sets of rules. It was a shock to me, too.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/11/22 01:10 PM
5	ex changed 401k contributions after I filed So, in my state, it’d probably be in violation of the financial restraining order that goes into effect when the divorce is filed. You can’t change contributions, take out loans, or spend money unusually. However, I doubt there’s any recourse. A judge probably won’t care. What you might be able to do is pro-rate your retirement split so you keep more of your contributions from this point on. Get a snapshot of the balance of both of your plans as of the day you filed and split the balances as of …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/11/22 12:52 AM
1	Spousal Support GOES UP when one child's child support goes away? Ah, no. This was a US tax change.	/r/Divorce_Men	26/10/22 10:38 PM
1	Spousal Support GOES UP when one child's child support goes away? Federally, alimony arrangements made before 2019 are taxable for the recipient, arrangements made after 2019 are taxable for the payor.	/r/Divorce_Men	26/10/22 07:41 PM
12	Did anyone have a good college experience? Feminism is a right wing ideology focused on preserving and increasing power structures that benefit women. Truly progressive women are egalitarian.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	18/10/22 01:38 PM
13	Did anyone have a good college experience? I went to an 70% male engineering school, and was in a major that was 90% male. I didn’t have a single female professor in my whole time there. My experience was great. Learning, skills building and fun were given top priority. Socialization was, at times, dominated by the female students who wielded incredible power, but if you could avoid them, everyone was very accepting and positive. I feel bad for others considering how lucky I was.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	18/10/22 01:34 PM
1	weird spot politically It is a matter of conservative vs progressive. Feminists want to enforce the status quo of women being legally entitled to the earnings of any man they’ve ever been with, through alimony, community property, and child support with gendered placement of children. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t quit their job as soon as they’re in a relationship with a man capable of supporting them. And they talk about sacrifices, but I’ve also never met a woman who pulls their own weight in keeping up a house…	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	16/10/22 11:35 PM
104	weird spot politically In my state (MA), the primary political goal of the feminist movement over the past few years has been to increase the income caps for calculating alimony and child support payments and to reword the guidelines for the family court system to make it less likely for courts to award 50/50 custody or primary custody to fathers. That’s not about equal rights, it’s enforcing beneficial gender roles. The feminist movement is conservative, not liberal.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	16/10/22 07:26 PM
2	Petitioning to lower child support The courts are all convinced that the child support guidelines can’t be burdensome to the payor, never mind that it can be as much as half your take home pay after taxes in my state. You’ll have a hard time convincing a judge to give you a break on CS because of how much time you have with the kids.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/22 09:28 PM
2	I shot myself in the foot. Fella, divorce is a war that needs preparation. She was ordered by the court to repay the money. But nothing was taken further than that. However, she claims she's too afraid to talk to me to co-parent, and therefore I should lose my parenting time with my kids. The texts were over 2 years ago.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/08/22 09:12 PM
9	I shot myself in the foot. Fella, divorce is a war that needs preparation. The goal of the restraining orders and the police calls is to show that you're dangerous and not fit to be around the kids. In most states, having primary custody of the kids results in a pretty substantial paycheck, like $4K/month, even if your incomes are similar. Play it cool, do not react to what she says or does to you, just make a note of it and ignore it. It's really hard, but I'm still paying for some angry texts I sent my ex after I discovered she had stolen several thousand dollars fro…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/08/22 04:37 PM
5	How do women think? just with emotions? I speak from experience. I thought my ex and I had a clear 50/50 split of kids and assets, when she came out of nowhere with baseless accusations of substance abuse. In our settlement she came out ahead, and she was so pissed that she didn’t get everything she asked for. I told her if she wasn’t happy with it, we could fully swap outcomes; I would get more time with the kids and she would get to pay me support. That was the fastest “no way” I’ve heard. She wanted to really win. 3 years later, we…	/r/Divorce_Men	16/08/22 11:37 PM
17	How do women think? just with emotions? Women’s key emotional driver is pride. Your stbx wants to win, no matter the cost. If she let you walk away on your terms, she hasn’t won, you have. Even if she comes out behind on paper, she wants to make you pay in court.	/r/Divorce_Men	16/08/22 10:57 PM
3	Is audio recording evidence admissible in divorce court ? One party consent implies he is one of the parties in the conversation. If stbxw and her friend were having a conversation and OP recorded it, that’s not legal.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/08/22 11:56 PM
2	Weaponizing kids. Kid stuff is cheap compared to how financially miserable she can make your life. Between child support and nonsense legal scuffles, I pay enough to buy all 3 of my kids all new stuff every 2 weeks for the privilege of being free of her. Go to target and buy all new stuff. It’s not worth it to argue over this.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/07/22 01:07 PM
3	Are choosing not to pay off your mortgage and 401k funding considered need for alimony? First off, the 401K/IRA restrictions are about the tax status of the specific money. You can only use pre-tax money to fund certain retirement accounts, and alimony is post-tax money. As far as the calculations, I think it depends on how the specific judge will look at her financial situation. Having a mortgage payment isn't unusual. It makes financial sense in most times to have money in the bank and take a low interest loan for a house. Contributing to a 401K makes financial sense, and while $…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/06/22 03:07 PM
1	Please Advise me! Imputing income beyond minimum wage requires an expert witness/job study. And that’s not assuming that she finds a doctor willing to say she’s got a disability that makes it impossible to work. I think his best bet is to argue alimony isn’t deserved because of the infidelity and the length of the marriage. Once it’s decided it’ll be paid, it’s going to be hard to reduce it below guidelines.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/06/22 11:14 PM
5	Please Advise me! You were fucked the day you got married. Now her ownership of you has a definitive end point. Live and learn and be happy that she gave up pretending at 3 years instead of 13.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/06/22 11:05 PM
3	Please Advise me! You don't need a job study, you just need to look at tax filings/paychecks. If he was earning an income for the past 3 years and she wasn't, they calculate it based on that difference.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/06/22 09:19 PM
7	Please Advise me! CA limits alimony to half the length of the marriage, so at most you could be on the hook for alimony for 1.5 years. https://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/cafaq07 I would suggest that if she insists on alimony, you should fight it. This might require you to get a lawyer. Otherwise, you'll be on the hook for paying her. I don't know if CA takes fault into account for awarding alimony. Some states do, some don't. However, even if the law is on your side, if you go against her in court witho…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/06/22 09:17 PM
1	Judge and GAL seem to be taking my side Oh, it’s been an uphill battle, for sure. Dogged persistence and all of my money for the past 3 years just to prove what everyone who knows us and all of my kids have been saying, that I’m the better parent.	/r/Divorce_Men	10/06/22 01:37 PM
1	Judge and GAL seem to be taking my side I had a GAL report done in January as part of my modification case for 50/50. The GAL came back 100% in support of my requests. My ex, of course, has filed a response saying that the GAL was incompetent. We’ll see how that works for her.	/r/Divorce_Men	10/06/22 01:32 PM
1	Judge and GAL seem to be taking my side You can request appointment. Usually if there’s a contested modification case, judges will allow appointment of a GAL even if only one parent is requesting it.	/r/Divorce_Men	10/06/22 01:30 PM
36	We need to stop saying this The statistics on prison sexual assault are misleadingly presented here. The majority of sexual assault in prisons and jails is committed by female staff, not other prisoners. https://bjs.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh236/files/media/document/ssvacf1218st.pdf I think if you dug into most of these "by other men" statistics, you'd find that the perpetrators are actually typically violent women.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	01/02/22 01:55 PM
5	New car divorce This isn’t true. Finances aren’t spilt until the divorce is finalized in court. However, once you file for divorce, you’re both under an automatic restraining order to not spend unusual amounts of money, which would include a car.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/01/22 10:17 AM
8	EX has filed emergency motion to suspend custody I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Be aware, the behavior your stbx is exhibiting is common for women in this type of situation. You sound like a perfectly normal person who has been the victim of a lot of abuse by your stbx. Her claims against you are clearly projection. It also sounds like the courts are rightfully throwing out her bullshit. Keep at it and listen to your lawyer. Good luck.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/01/22 11:15 PM
7	Settlement Meeting Results - No good Be aware, the next step in this script is a false DV charge. Expect that the week you move back in. Do what you can to avoid getting stuck in that situation.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/01/22 11:26 PM
1	2 hours before final settlement meeting Yeah, if you haven't filed for divorce yet, nothing is mandatory, obviously. In my state (MA) there are required 4 way meetings before every single court date. It really sounds like you need to get the courts involved here. They'll be involved anyway, but you need to just start filing and moving the ball forward if your stbx is dragging her heels.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/01/22 05:14 PM
2	2 hours before final settlement meeting If you've already gone out and gotten an apartment, ask your attorney about having a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to review both living situations. The GAL can make a binding recommendation for 50/50 custody if both homes check out as safe. It can be expensive, but if your stbx knows she's got nothing to stand on, it might force her hand to just move forward with 50/50.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/01/22 04:55 PM
2	2 hours before final settlement meeting it sounds like this is a 4 way meeting. https://www.vetranolaw.com/legal-publications/divorce-meetings/ These are required in some jurisdictions to try to resolve conflicts before things get to court.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/01/22 04:50 PM
2	2 hours before final settlement meeting I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks to get jerked around and to have all this money getting burned while your stbx throws a tantrum. I hope someone can step in with a reality check to get things moving in the right direction.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/01/22 04:48 PM
14	Can she stop paying mortgage on our house and let it go in to foreclosure? Don’t move out. It’ll suck, but stay until you have a custody agreement and the house is sold or she’s bought you out. You legally can’t stop paying the mortgage, you’ll be put in contempt immediately for that. And if you move out, you can’t move back in and she has no reason to move forward with the divorce. Talk to a lawyer before you even think of moving out.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/01/22 10:13 PM
14	Vacationing with young kids as a divorced dad, how do I do it? Having a woman on a vacation is like having 5 coked up preteens with access to live grenades. Just you and two boys? That’s an actual vacation. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it is on your own. No one complaining non stop, no one making everyone else miserable so they feel better, no one telling you you’re doing everything wrong. Just don’t over schedule and try to enjoy the time with your kids.	/r/Divorce_Men	20/01/22 03:07 AM
1	I need some support You did the right thing, even though it was hard. Good job standing up for yourself. It gets better. Take some time to recharge, do something for you. If you haven't yet, you should start seeing a therapist.	/r/Divorce_Men	13/01/22 03:12 PM
2	Am I a tyrant? Growing resentment in a high functioning/under functioning relationship. I mean, you can have unrealistic standards all you want, but men in heterosexual relationships are never going to have a partner that contributes. That ship has sailed. I've explained to my current girlfriend that men enter relationships primarily because life as a single guy is easy. Being in a relationship is like ratcheting up the difficulty setting on life. Being married sets it to hardcore difficulty, where everything is harder and messing up carries consequences. So, yeah, OP can decide to…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/01/22 05:32 PM
1	Am I a tyrant? Growing resentment in a high functioning/under functioning relationship. If his only issue is that the house is dirty, he can pay a cleaning service $400/month or he can divorce her and pay her $2k/month in alimony. Hell, he’ll spend more in lawyers than a cleaning service will cost for the next 10 years. Yes, the balance of work is unfair, but at least she cooks. I’ve never even met a woman who could cook. In every relationship I’ve been in or been aware of, the men do most of the work and cover most of the finances, that’s just expected. I’d say solve the messy hou…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/01/22 01:32 PM
0	Am I a tyrant? Growing resentment in a high functioning/under functioning relationship. Get a cleaning service. It’s like $75 to $100 per week and will take the stress off. Expecting someone else to clean to your expectations isn’t fair unless you’re paying them.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/01/22 05:29 AM
7	What does joint custody mean? Getting more custody can be expensive if the mother is not in favor of it - tens of thousands in legal fees is the bare minimum. Alabama's child support doesn't take into account parenting time less than 50%, according to https://www.custodyxchange.com/locations/usa/alabama/child-support-calculator.php Eg. whoever has less time with the kids, even if it's 51%/49%, pays a percentage of their income to the other parent. The custodial parent's income isn't factored in at all. So, financially this i…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/12/21 11:44 PM
1	Did I lose? Sorry, I didn't realize you were outside the US. If you were in the US, you'd be paying her spousal support in addition to child support, and if she had no personal income, it would be assumed you'd have to pay her enough that she could live on her own. We don't have a basic income, that comes from ex-husbands. Sorry that I don't have any useful advice for you - Good luck.	/r/Divorce_Men	29/12/21 04:21 PM
1	Did I lose? Stop letting her threaten you and get a parenting schedule filed with the court asap. Courts accept that kids will need to be in daycare, that’s not a reason to reduce your custody. Keep in mind, if she doesn’t work, you’re going to be supporting her for quite a while. The boyfriend’s income doesn’t factor in. It’s frustrating, but the infidelity doesn’t matter at all at this point. Just ignore who she’s with and what state they’re in when you get there. If your kids are safe, then smile, nod to…	/r/Divorce_Men	29/12/21 03:08 PM
6	There has got to be some sort of justice in this world. I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years, and am 3 years into an abusive divorce, and i'm sorry to say there is no justice. I spent years while married thinking - if I could just find proof of her cheating I could bring it to a marriage councilor and the marriage councilor would tell her she has to stop and work on her family. Nope, didn't work that way. Marriage councilor and personal therapist told me I should file for divorce and there was no saving it. During the divorce process I thought i…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/12/21 04:22 PM
9	I hate this life, how could she actually want this? How do I ever feel okay again? Women enter a relationship with an "exit" plan. Relationships are an investment to them, not an end goal. It could be the payoff of the divorce, or the after marriage support, or in some cases, it's just the financial benefits of being together while they plan their next step. And, as others have said, the exit works better for them if they can convince you it was all your fault all along, which is why every guy is told they're a narcissist and that the woman never loved them. It's a script. The…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/11/21 09:22 PM
1	Am I the only here who is seriously considering never marrying again even if I find my "soulmate"? Common law marriage isn't a thing in almost anywhere in the US. And the places that it is, you have to do much more than move in together. You have to both tell people you're married, too.	/r/Divorce_Men	29/10/21 05:47 PM
3	Involved Dad. Biased Texas Court Systems and Processes I’m you 2 years in the future. My ex went nuts with the lies and my kids are suffering for it. I spent $10k this year alone trying to get a GAL involved so I can get back to a 50/50 and my kids will have some stability and happiness back. I’m fielding issues at school non stop, the kids aren’t sure where they’re shipped supposed to go in the bus because we have a really wacky schedule, and they don’t want to go back to mom’s house. I’m hoping the GAL pans out for me, might be an option for you t…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/09/21 07:19 PM
11	Is marriage worth it? Women benefit from marriage. For a man, there are zero benefits.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/09/21 05:43 PM
16	Is marriage worth it? I have three boys and I’m telling them emphatically don’t get married, Don’t have kids with a woman. Adopt or hire a surrogate, cohabitate if you choose to. Never agree to support a woman for the rest of your life.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/09/21 05:39 PM
11	Rushing into a Separation Agreement If she wants the divorce, why are you moving? The person who wants out should be the one to leave. And the kids stay with you. Anything else, you'll be absolutely screwed.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/09/21 07:45 PM
3	Split Custody - still pay child support? I take my kids to doctors appointments when they're with me. If you're 50/50, there's no reason to rely on the mom to do anything.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/09/21 08:08 PM
3	Split Custody - still pay child support? The way my state does it, they add up all the income and multiply by the percentage of time each parent has the kids, and redistribute to make the income match the time. So if you make $75k and your ex makes $32k, that's $107k total. With 50/50, you each get 50% of that total income, so you pay your ex enough so she has the equivalent take-home of someone earning $53k.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/09/21 07:59 PM
2	My wife and I have talked several times about divorce, and I have a custody question for you gentlemen. Did you end up with 50/50? I had the same thing happen, I went in assuming 50/50, like we discussed, she came out of nowhere with 100% custody. We ended up "settling" at 70/30. The judges in my area don't want to see people until the lawyers have had a chance to duke it out, and will typically tell the lawyers to go back and work something out instead of making a ruling themselves. The judge never even looked at any of either of our filings, so there was no chance of them thinking badly of eithe…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/21 08:38 PM
5	My wife and I have talked several times about divorce, and I have a custody question for you gentlemen. So, If you get some significant custody (EOW + Wednesday nights or something) she will not legally be allowed to move away. If she chooses to, she gives up custody unless you agree to give it up yourself to let her move. Do not let her take your children from you. It is not a given that she will get full custody. In fact, it's incredibly rare. Her wanting to relocate the kids is not grounds for her getting primary custody. Talk to a lawyer and get a parenting plan drawn up ASAP. A piece of advic…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/21 02:31 PM
2	What happens when you file? So, nothing happens automatically. When you file, you have to serve your STBX with the filing. You have to schedule the mediation, if there is any, you have to write up the separation agreement, you have to schedule a court date. The courts aren't going to do anything for you. If you even want a copy of things, they're going to charge you by the page for the paper. When you hire a lawyer, they do all of these things for you, and because they know how to do it, it's typically done correctly. Alim…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/09/21 07:26 PM
4	In case of a divorce, what happens to assets accumulated before the marriage? Talk to a lawyer about how assets can become community property. For example, if you sell stocks to buy a house while you’re married, that can cause that whole asset to become marital property. A prenup should protect your assets if you don’t end up having kids, but in the event you have children, or if the marriage lasts longer than 10 years, prenups will typically not be followed.	/r/Divorce_Men	31/08/21 08:31 PM
3	Child Support, and Custody: What Am I Missing? Most men going through divorce have dealt with years of emotional and physical abuse before they get to court. They learn that their ex gets what she wants and if they don’t give it to her, she’ll take it and make it hurt. It takes years of therapy and space from that relationship to understand that it’s possible to fight back.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/08/21 12:17 PM
19	I'm really uncomfortable with posts like this. How is this helping anyone? This isn't empowering men. It's convincing them that they are exclusively the problem. Considering 70%+ of domestic violence is perpetrated by women, and men have basically zero support as victims of domestic violence and face legal discrimination by police and courts, this just seems tone deaf. It's such an "all lives matter" response. Why not also teach black men not to struggle so much when being arrested?	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	27/08/21 12:35 AM
8	I did something and now I'm a fucking wreck Anything you do "right now" is going to be taken as the status quo and you'll be expected to maintain it. So, don't move out. Get a home COVID test ($25 at the pharmacy) and take the test. Take a picture of the negative result and show up to come back to your house. Then she has no reason to lock you out. If she continues to do so, do not get irritated, just call the police and say that your wife locked you out of the house. You should start to file now. Family courts are operating over zoom or …	/r/Divorce_Men	24/08/21 06:30 PM
1	My wife wants a divorce However bad you think this could possibly turn out, double that and that’s your starting point for reality. If she takes the kids, she’s going to get about 1/2 your post tax income in support, plus all that other stuff. You’ll split the debt and the assets, but there’s a good chance she’s going to take the house and probably the car. Talk to a lawyer, there’s probably a formula and a very straightforward determination and it’s rare for the courts to approve something that deviates.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/08/21 08:57 PM
1	10 years, 2 kids under 18, virginia Yes, talk to a lawyer about all this, as it varies state to state. She shouldn’t be able to spend unusual amounts of money while you’re separated, but in my state that only goes into effect when you file for divorce. I don’t know about VA. In my state, the separation agreement is key. It is legally enforceable and it gets a single sheet of paper tacked into it to become the divorce decree. The separation agreement is where you work out custody, splitting assets, etc. the divorce decree is just a…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/07/21 02:04 PM
4	is my investment account safe with this setup? So, depending on your state, you'll have to submit 3 or so years of financial records to your wife's lawyers and you'll need to explain any transfers to your father. Judges look really, really poorly on people trying to hide money. If you funded the account recently, that money is going to be included in marital assets and will need to be split. You should ask your lawyer about what you should do about this, but in my opinion it's not worth trying to keep the money from her.	/r/Divorce_Men	29/07/21 11:57 PM
2	Recognize this famous photo? It's an American POW returning home to his family after five years in captivity. Three days earlier, his wife told him she'd been sleeping around and wanted a divorce. She got 43% of his lifetime pension. https://www.historynet.com/for-airman-famed-burst-of-joy-photograph-rings-hollow.htm has interviews with Stirm and his children.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/07/21 01:47 AM
5	"Emotional labour" is the term women use when they emotionally abuse men. This comic makes no sense to me, as I've never met a woman who cooked and in my marriage feeding the kids was always my job. And so was getting guests drinks and prepping hors d'oeuvres. But, that was work that needed to be done, so I did it without complaint. This comic seems, like most feminist fiction, to be a complete strawman against a situation that doesn't actually happen in real life.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	05/07/21 05:16 PM
7	"Emotional labour" is the term women use when they emotionally abuse men. But doing those "petty things" is what emotional labor is. It's the work that one partner thinks needs to be done and the other doesn't. The difference is the list of things the typical woman sees as necessary and that the typical man doesn't is more than one person can accomplish, so women feel like men aren't pulling their weight. Meanwhile, men do everything that they feel needs to be done themselves - we think it's inappropriate to impose work on another person and what we feel is necessary …	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	05/07/21 04:46 PM
11	"Emotional labour" is the term women use when they emotionally abuse men. Also, my ex and several women I've dated since my divorce have never cooked a meal or cleaned a dish. That's my job. I've employed a professional house cleaner once a week for the past 14 years. I do all the grocery shopping. Those are the things that need to get done. But women have a whole additional set of chores that literally never need to happen, except in their minds.	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	05/07/21 03:53 AM
21	"Emotional labour" is the term women use when they emotionally abuse men. Ok, here's some specifics. My ex wife insisted that the kids birthday parties have hand made party favors and games. So she'd make me help her crochet 20 stuffed Pokemon figures before a birthday, and build climbing structures and cut out party decorations from cardboard. She insisted that every weekend have a scheduled activity - planned in advance. Flowers needed to be planted, garden beds needed to be built, mulch needed to be retrieved (by the truckload), curtains sewn from scratch, walls re…	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	05/07/21 03:47 AM
70	"Emotional labour" is the term women use when they emotionally abuse men. Emotional labor as a concept stems from the belief that what women want is obvious and correct and what men want is lazy and stupid. Women insist men don't "see the work that needs to be done". But who says it needs to be done? Women. Men on their own do quite well with no one doing that "work", so clearly it doesn't need to be done. Women want it done, and they want men to do it. I've never heard of a man insisting something needs to be done and then also insisting that someone else do that wor…	/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates	04/07/21 03:09 PM
14	Common theme I have heard from women including my ex wife: I never loved him. Rant. I’ve noticed the same, and I’ve come to the conclusion that men and women approach marriage very differently Men look at relationships like buying a primary residence. In it for the long haul, they think about what life will be like, the opportunity for growth, the day to day, the opportunity for a life together. Women look at relationships like buying investment property. What’s the income potential, what’s the investment required, will they be able to use that income to get another property in…	/r/Divorce_Men	20/06/21 08:06 PM
1	Last straw, meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I have a couple of questions if anyone could weigh in. Medical insurance is deducted from your gross income before CS is calculated in my state (MA). Splitting costs varies by case. For example, I pay 60% of all my kids education/medical/extracurricular costs.	/r/Divorce_Men	08/06/21 01:18 AM
2	STBXW being very unreasonable (WA State) If she works full time, she's probably not eligible for spousal support. Talk to an attorney, as this varies state by state. This calculator (https://calculators.law/calculators/maintenance/washington) says that because her income is high enough, your maximum possible support payment is $1666/month for less than 10 years, but.. honestly your numbers don't make sense for any spousal support from where I am. She'll either have to buy you out of the house, or you'll have to sell it and split the pr…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/05/21 12:24 AM
2	Time bomb Insurance will continue as well. This is another status quo thing. If you were paying for insurance before, you'll continue to pay for it after divorce, even for her.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/05/21 05:49 PM
3	Time bomb So, I don't know what state you're in, but in my state (MA) I put in the following numbers into a child support calculator: 2 kids under 18, 33% with Husband, 66% with wife (MA counts overnights, not hours spent, so this equates to 2 nights a week with you, 5 nights a week with her) Wife makes $400K, Husband makes $200K. In that situation, Husband pays Wife $354/week. So, this is 15% of your take-home. Your state probably has similar calculators on the internet. Find it, punch it in.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/05/21 05:43 PM
4	Time bomb So, your decision to have a place for the kids to go first before trying to work out schedules is admirable, but also wrong. Courts look at maintaining the status quo, and right now the status quo you've given her is that she has 100% physical custody and you have visitation. She has this whole thing planned out, and you're playing into it. She's not operating ad-hoc, she knows the rules and she's running the clock on this one waiting for everything to be in her favor. The longer you operate wit…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/05/21 05:27 PM
2	Time bomb You should have started talking to a lawyer months ago. Do it now. Yes, $5K retainer is typical. And at this point, nothing. Given your assets, the shit you walked into by moving out, and your incomes, you're almost certainly going to spend in the 6 figures for lawyers to get out of this. Or you're going to lose your kids.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/05/21 05:19 PM
1	Trial Separation - Any Experience/Rules/Advice? If you're paying the mortgage during the separation while she lives there, it's likely that a judge will make you keep doing it. Basically, make sure anything you do is sustainable for you to keep doing for the next 20 years. That financial support obligation will only increase and unless you have something very clear and explicit on the books for child custody, that's going to diminish as well. Everything in a divorce flows from the custody agreement. Get that worked out first and don't let her…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/04/21 07:26 PM
9	Just left the home (2 kids) lost... Also, get a lawyer today. Counseling isn't going to help - all it will do is allow her to continue to manipulate you and the situation. Stop trying to make her happy. Her being happy is not going make things go smoother, it's going to result in you paying all her bills for the rest of your life while you end up living in your car and your kids grow up with no father.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/21 10:09 PM
11	Just left the home (2 kids) lost... The worst thing you can do is move out. That documentation isn't going to do anything. It's not about abandonment, it's about "the status quo." It's going to be months before you get time in court, and by then whatever has been "working" for those few months is what becomes permanent. You need to head back to your house, now, and figure something out (separate bedrooms, she can sleep on the couch, whatever) until you have a custody plan in place that has each of you with equal time with the kids…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/21 10:03 PM
3	Anyone get the ring back? Technically it's community property, like a home or a car would be. You can ask for it as part of your half of the property, but you might have to trade something for it. In my divorce the lawyers made no effort to equalize anything other than cash/retirement and the proceeds from the home sale, so we had to sort it out ourselves and it came out very un-even (she took everything of value). That said, the difference was less than what I pay her every 3 months in support. Used jewlery, especially …	/r/Divorce_Men	08/04/21 06:12 PM
4	Just need to vent a bit I'm 3 years into a very similar situation. Married for 12 years, 3 kids, we separated in 2018, divorced in 2019. She was physically and emotionally abusive and cheated from the very beginning, with the help of a therapist I finally broke free and then she used the courts to take everything from me. I was forced to go back to renting and she went out and bought a $600K house using my child support payments as income before the divorce was even finalized. So now I pay her mortgage and she takes my…	/r/Divorce_Men	04/02/21 06:39 PM
2	Quitting job to deal with divorce Talk to a lawyer. I'd have concerns about a judge permitting a settlement that excludes your emergency funds, and a verbal agreement isn't worth anything in court. You might also get in trouble for quitting your job if a judge decides you owe maintenance to your ex and she claims you quit to purposely reduce your income. The family court system is fucked up sexist and guys get saddled with obligations that don't make any sense. Talk to a lawyer, stay the course for the remainder of your sent…	/r/Divorce_Men	20/01/21 08:53 PM
4	Physical/Emotional abusive wife - What can I do? Police report is the first step, then file for a restraining order. If she's attacking you in your bed while you're asleep, you need to get her out of the house. Restraining order will mean she'll have to leave the house and find somewhere else to live while the divorce is in process.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/12/20 11:11 PM
11	[Advice] Cheating wife doesn't know I know. Claims to be trying to work it out. Lying to my face. Just walk away. Cheaters always cheat. The anxiety will drive you crazy over the years. My ex cheated on me, we separated for a few months, she came back and wanted to make it work, and then she started cheating again 3 years later, so I filed for divorce. Those years were awful, and I should have walked away the first time. Just FYI, in almost all cases adultery doesn't matter in family court, so don't bother with the PI. Talk to a lawyer, see what your case is going to look like. Fight for cus…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/12/20 03:17 PM
3	What happens to Life Insurance Insurance during/after Divorce Also, as it seems like you're getting your info from forums and experiences, talk to a lawyer. like yesterday. NY is a pretty shitty state to get divorced in as a man, but you shouldn't be left with "nothing" after costs, and you shouldn't have to give up custody of your kids. If she has any income, Alimony is not necessarily going to be awarded, because she's capable of working. It may just be child support, which can be as high as 35% of your pre-tax income if you have 5 kids (https://www.divo…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/12/20 04:56 PM
1	What happens to Life Insurance Insurance during/after Divorce Depends on what is written into your separation agreement. My ex and I have 3 kids with shared custody, and we each had $1M in life insurance with the other as beneficiary when we were married. We're both required to keep the insurance up until the kids are all adults, with the other as beneficiary. This was put in the separation agreement as "standard" by my lawyer, but the idea is that the insurance payout replaces the child support payments in the event one parent dies.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/12/20 04:49 PM
17	So much harder for me than her The official advice is that usually one person deals with the divorce before it happens, and one person deals with it after. Typically the person who asks for the divorce is already over the relationship by the time they ask. However, in my experience some people just don't have deep emotions about their marriage, or anything at all. I've run into a few divorced women who have told me they never loved their ex-husbands and the marriage was just a thing they were trying out for a while.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/20 01:33 AM
1	It’s final as of today! That's awesome. Congrats!	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/20 03:54 PM
1	Am I in trouble You'll be summoned to appear in the state your wife lives in and all states have extradition with one another. I don't get why you think leaving the state helps you in the slightest.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/10/20 07:31 PM
1	Am I in trouble There's a reason divorced fathers with no custody end up living in some of the worst places. The courts don't care about you, and you gave them every reason to curbstomp you.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/10/20 06:55 PM
1	Am I in trouble and, maybe your wife would be expected to get a job, but only if she had worked for the majority of the marriage and was only recently unemployed. if she's been a homemaker for 30 years, you're going to pay for her to maintain that lifestyle until retirement.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/10/20 06:44 PM
1	Am I in trouble Your state may have a maximum percentage, but the number is a percentage of your pre-tax income and you pay it out post tax. So, for example, your pre-tax number is $200K. if your wife doesn't work, her income is $0. in my state, MA, you'd be expected to pay 30% of the difference between your salaries - $60K in alimony and up to 20% of your salary in child support - another $40K. $100K/year total. So, say your tax rate is 30%, your takehome is $140K/year, you're sending your wife $100K of that a…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/10/20 06:43 PM
3	Am I in trouble Your lawyer is going to be able to tell you a lot more than we will, especially if they were in the hearing, but if half of the shit you've said in this thread is even remotely true, you're going to end up paying most of your income to your STBX. You haven't had contact with the kids and moved out of state? You let your house go to collections? You agreed to pay for things and then reneged? It's way too late and family courts are going to rip you to pieces. As for your specific questions, the pu…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/10/20 06:27 PM
13	Wife took kids and left state This. The only way you get your kids back is if you file immediately. This could be a blessing - your wife moved out, but she can't legally move the kids out of their home. The court will order the kids back to the home, but she cannot move back in because she's already moved out. She will be granted visitation, but if she has no local residence she's not going to be the custodial parent. The rest of the standard advice applies: - get a lawyer - get a therapist - they're cheaper by the hour than…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/20 01:13 AM
1	Need advice about my BIL He's not collecting it, they're taking the money out of the account balance. If that's not correct than OP got the details wrong.	/r/Divorce_Men	31/08/20 11:54 PM
1	Need advice about my BIL eh, I don't know why the guy pulled the post and bitched about our responses instead, but the post was basically: OP's sister has cancer, hasn't worked for years because of cancer, she's married to a guy in the military that makes $200K/year (?!) who is cheating and left her. The sister isn't asking for anything from the stbxh, but he's apparently stopped paying his military credit card bill and the military is pulling the payments out of his retirement account, which is expected to be split wit…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/08/20 11:19 PM
3	Need advice about my BIL If the debt is shared, the shared retirement seems like the best place for it to come from, since it reduces both of their savings equally. His ability to pay doesn't really factor into if he should pay off a shared debt. Depending on the location they're in, all their savings, debt and income until they divorce is shared, so she'll get her half of his paychecks at the end. If he was running up a bunch of marital debt with his girlfriend, that would count against him, but it would have to be pre…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/08/20 07:32 PM
2	Talking to Son About Divorce First, talk to a lawyer about your specific situation and expectations for custody. Talk to three and pick the one you trust. If she doesn't work, the custody situation is going to be an uphill battle for you. Every father wants equal or better custody, but the reality is that courts very rarely grant it. The family court system is designed to give women what they want and make men pay for it. You shouldn't make any promises to your son unless you can deliver. There's a non-zero chance you'll ha…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/08/20 02:37 PM
8	Fathers day and b day Don't get bent out of shape about her lack of effort. She's not going to do anything positive for you ever again, you're going to have to accept that. If your birthday and father's day are important to you, make sure that's spelled out in your parenting plan that you get the kids on those days.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/06/20 03:04 AM
3	Married 24 years and getting ready Haha, same. I make $180k/yr, I'm broke and my ex makes $100k/year. I only have to pay 1/3 of my income to her. There's not much left to raise 3 kids on. If you make $180k and your wife is unemployed, you're basically fucked. Get used to sleeping in your car.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/06/20 02:50 AM
3	An eye opening experience into the issues with child support Interesting, and concerning. I have 35/65 split with my ex, so even though our incomes are similar, I have to pay her $400/wk (plus I pay all the kids expenses, clothes, camps tuition, etc). At her insistence I just deposit the money into her bank account every week. No checks, just an account to account transfer. Our separation agreement doesn't say the child support has to go through a state office, just that I'm supposed to pay her every week on Friday. I've already paid her $21k in support j…	/r/Divorce_Men	13/06/20 07:25 PM
1	Opinions or Thoughts So, my lawyer said that the most common way he sees fathers getting 50% custody is by offering 100% child support to the mother. Basically, mothers want the money, fathers want the time with the kids. It's otherwise really rare because the courts are not about what's "fair" or what's "best for the kids", they're about getting a compromise.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/05/20 06:38 PM
0	Opinions or Thoughts 50/50 is not the norm. Everyone says it is, but the statistics don't support it at all.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/05/20 04:49 PM
2	Opinions or Thoughts I'll suggest you don't aim for 50/50. She's going to aim for 100% custody. Your lawyer will attempt to find a middle ground and consider it a success if you meet "in the middle", which is going to be something like 75/25. When my ex and I were married I did more than half of the childcare, and before she talked to her lawyer, we had agreed on 50/50. Then she saw the child support payments she could get and suddenly pushed for me getting supervised visits only with no overnights. She fabricated a…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/05/20 04:47 PM
2	What is your advice about this situation. So, you're entitled to half her pension for each year you were married and she was paying into it. And she's entitled to half your 401k for each year you were married paying into it. The 401k can be split and the pension she has to cut you a check every time she gets a payment. You can also decide to just call it even if they're about even. My ex and I each had a pension from the same employer and with similar values, we both disavowed rights to each other's pension.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/03/20 12:48 AM
5	Slowly losing is 75% of your salary the correct amount based on your state's child support worksheet? That seems unreasonably high. Child support should also cover everything, you shouldn't be paying for her house or school at all. I ran into a similar issue, my ex asked for the moon, I wanted 50/50 and the state guidelines for support, my lawyer was happy with a compromise. I got out of it paying her about 25% of my take home plus the majority of the kids expenses, which gives me enough money to afford a pla…	/r/Divorce_Men	16/01/20 04:38 PM
14	What About Me? If you don't have a therapist, get one. spend some time just venting. This process is hard and your feelings and experiences matter.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/12/19 08:32 PM
1	Dads post divorce, how often do you talk to your kids other than during your parenting time? Judges take it as the default for parenting time. For me, I get Friday and Saturday night every other weekend, every Wednesday night and on the weeks I don't have them for the weekend, I also get Thursday night. 5 nights every 14. Works out to 36%. The support number is the same as if she had them 100% of the time. My ex insisted on this wonky schedule with a ton of transitions, even though it's worse for the kids, as a way to make my life harder. That should tell you what I was dealing with.	/r/Divorce_Men	16/09/19 09:45 PM
1	Dads post divorce, how often do you talk to your kids other than during your parenting time? The default child support guidance is 66/33: These guidelines recognize that children should enjoy parenting time with both parents to the greatest extent possible consistent with the children’s best interests. The basic calculations under these guidelines are based upon the children having a primary residence with one parent and spending approximately one-third of the time with the other parent. https://www.mass.gov/doc/2018-child-support-guidelines/download	/r/Divorce_Men	16/09/19 09:20 PM
1	Dads post divorce, how often do you talk to your kids other than during your parenting time? Depends on where you are. In my state (MA) one parent gets automatic 66%, unless both parents agree to 50/50. My lawyer said it basically never happens that the father fights for and wins equal custody. He said almost every father he represents pushes for 50/50 or more, and the best they typically get is 2 days a week. Talked to other lawyers in the area and people in divorce support groups and they all agreed, 50/50 is really, really hard to get. I ended up with 2 1/2 days a week despite the fa…	/r/Divorce_Men	16/09/19 08:34 PM
1	Got served this evening after being out of town for work. Returned home and a process server was there. What was written in these papers.. horrible.. it’s “lawyer speak” according to her. Child abuser, drug abuser, alcoholic, cheat. Every possible thing. All lies. Never felt like this in my life It's pretty standard, and it works. My ex did it and even though it was all lies it got her a significant bonus on the parenting plan and a pile more child support. It wasn't worth it to spend $100k on legal fees, and I made the decision to just give in and save money on lawyers. Still, it was $20k in legal bills on just my side.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/19 07:21 PM
8	If your wife threatens more custody, it’s likely a ploy. My wife did the same thing, everything was 50/50 until her lawyer ran the child support numbers for her, then suddenly I was abusive, neglectful, etc. Because at 50/50 she gets $1200/month and at 35/65, she gets $3200/month. That's a lot of money, and my lawyers warned me she wasn't going to turn it down once she realized it was available. Except, with what I pay in child care expenses, I can't actually pay that support while providing a home for my kids. So, we settled on $2k/month. She was wil…	/r/Divorce_Men	12/05/19 12:05 AM
2	My wife wants a divorce and I don't, HELP! Your marriage is probably over, time to move on. Get a lawyer. Get a parenting plan worked out and signed ASAP. Everything in the divorce will come from the parenting plan. Don't try to be amicable to make her happy on this one, otherwise you'll be kept from seeing your kids in the future.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/04/19 04:35 PM
1	Dating and seperation Also, If you haven't yet, get a lawyer. if you're still legally married, dating is an affair. Even if you're planning to split. In my state (MA) affairs don't matter at all for custody, asset splitting, etc, but you should ask your lawyer first.	/r/Divorce_Men	05/04/19 03:19 PM
1	Dating and seperation As I'm reading this, I'm saying "yep, I could have written this." My wife started dating before we were out of marriage counseling, we've been separated and living together (separate bedrooms, 3 kids) for about 6 months. I started dating shortly after our separation, and it has been positive for my self esteem and general outlook on life, but it really destroyed any positive relationship I could have salvaged with my stbxw. Even though she's been dating someone seriously for about 10 months, and…	/r/Divorce_Men	05/04/19 03:14 PM