TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

gingerandlime Archive

View 1 posts and 257 comments by gingerandlime on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
80

MINDSET SHIFTgingerandlime/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 03:32 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
8

I hear you, and my main concern is that you’re so mentally invested in this guy that you’re trying to figure out how to get his attention. That isn’t good for you, lady. I’ve walked that path and it hurts. Hope you can get yourself free from that feeling!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/22 05:47 PM
12

Yes, this sub advocates for a different approach than most spaces. There’s a reason for that. She asked for herself, so I’m advising her based on my experience and awareness about what will be helpful for her. I’ve been in her shoes, where I’ve felt like I had to play games to get someone’s attention, and it caused me hurt— not them, because they were not interested— when I did that to myself. You and everyone in the world are free to do whatever you want in your personal life regardless of what…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/22 05:44 PM
47

My recommendation would be: don’t jerk yourself around/emotionally invest in his low level of effort like this. Has he had your contact information or IG for a week? Two weeks? PLENTY of time to ask you out, clear and direct. Don’t fuss around with trying to seem mysterious to him. I say this with only love, it won’t make him put in the effort. If he’s had the opportunity to ask you out and hasn’t taken it, disconnect/block, do what you need to do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/22 01:26 AM
34

You know what, I have always disclosed that I’m divorced early on, first or second date, but I’m thinking I will ease back on that. It doesn’t vet dates in any particularly effective way, and I tend to find myself presenting it as a potential red flag about myself for them to “accept”. It’s not a red flag, it’s a difficult part of my past, and maybe someone needs to build my trust in them before I will discuss it. I’ll keep thinking about this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/22 10:18 PM
17

So, this is all ridiculous behavior on his part. (Not good vetting on her part either, but that’s beside the point.) That said, I like to bring up a point from the handbook: we do not actually expect all men to pay for dates. We DO expect that men who might make good partners would want to demonstrate that by paying for dates. We obviously cannot actually expect every man to pay for dates. We can and must vet based on their behaviors on dates.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/22 03:20 AM
43

Yes. The person who will describe you as a generic person later on might initially approach you with a completely generic compliment, one that could be for anyone. It took me a long time to understand why that sort of approach set my alarms off but the instinct was correct all along.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/22 03:14 AM
10

Exactly. It’s the kind of thing I’d really only want to find through people I know. Actually, my ideal would be a matchmaker that works like a real estate agent, no commission unless there’s an acceptable match.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/22 08:50 PM
18

Where have you found matchmakers? I’ve only ever seen services that were pretty obvious scams.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/22 05:08 PM
58

Of the options, I prefer Hinge. My reason for this is that I don’t have to express interest, e.g. swipe or like or message, in order to see how someone chooses to engage with me (like, message). This would probably not be as useful or time effective as a strategy if I lived in a population dense area, but it works fine for me. I’ve tried Bumble, which lacks what I prefer about Hinge, and Tinder tends to just be a dumpster fire in terms of user base. Likewise FB dating. I haven’t tried Match or e…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/22 05:04 PM
34

This is great, and I want to point out that each of these strategy points can be mapped very directly onto other hobbies/activities!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/22 09:27 PM
75

Gawd, yes, lifting is such a great vetting indicator. I’ve unintentionally vetted friends/acquaintances this way too, it just brings out the mansplain in them. “Shouldn’t you have a spotter?” Well, there are spotter arms on my entire squat rack that I own, so… no.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/22 02:45 PM
7

Good plans. Apologies, the chocolate mousse tart got a bit smushed in transit so I did not photograph. But imagine luscious mousse with a hidden ganache center on a crunchy flaky pastry base, bit of gold leaf decor on top.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/22 01:13 AM
39

I’m having a nice teatime of a fancy dessert I got for myself, and also telling myself the truth about how badly people have manipulated me in the past on this holiday. Not one said they didn’t “believe” in it, but all put in very little or absolutely no effort and then acted like I was out of my mind for being unhappy. Never again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/22 08:54 PM
3

Love to hear it and love to you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/22 03:38 PM
4

That’s all fine, I’m more concerned that you’re giving a man attention because you’re bored and lonely!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/22 05:34 PM
5

Lady, he doesn’t want anything good from you, I can tell you that. Could you focus more on reaching out to friends when you feel lonely?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/22 08:50 PM
81

I’m certainly a feminist. I don’t think that really gives anyone a great deal of information about what I believe, though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/22 06:13 PM
24

Wow, is all extremely bizarre behavior on his part. In my experience, people who do have family wealth are very guarded about it, the more so the more it is/longer it’s been in the family. I do not seek out people like this to date but have stumbled across it multiple times, and at this point, anything beyond financial stability of a generation or two is enough to put my mental antennae up for messed up family dynamics.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/22 02:08 AM
4

That sounds intense! A check-in with your doctor or a therapist or psychiatrist about those symptoms might be in order. I would in a way liken this to a shift in priorities that some women get around ovulation time— I sometimes get urges to present myself in different ways than usual, things like that. Usually I can mitigate for it by just, you know, not clicking “order” on that shopping cart of clothes I wouldn’t normally wear. But if it’s an ongoing state for you and you feel out of touch with…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/02/22 02:24 PM
104

Just here to reinforce that kind, respectful men do exist. Ogling women openly is an immature jerk’s game. If what you’ve bought doesn’t make you feel good in your skin, sure, return it and keep exploring what makes you feel good. Massage? Bubble bath? Perfume? Manicures? A cup of tea and a few minutes to yourself in the afternoon? Heck, totally different clothes that weren’t bought with the intent of making a theoretical awful man act better? You’ll figure it out. Be gentle with yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/02/22 12:47 AM
43

I don’t know, I think she insulted his choice of restaurant, something he has even more control over!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 01:45 PM
584

Insulting her job wasn’t personal? What a world her brother lives in. I’m not against being set up on a date but only by people who majorly get who I am as a person and have high standards for what kind of person could be my partner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 01:01 AM
26

I’ve ordered myself some beautiful treats from my favorite local bakery. I haven’t decided yet whether I’m buying myself a piece of affordable but luxurious-feeling jewelry. A pedicure or manicure or massage is a great idea, I may wait to see how the covid case numbers are in my area because right now a lot of people are sick and the service industry is stretched thin! May just cook myself a nice meal and watch a movie with a glass of wine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/01/22 05:29 PM
4

I’m in no way interested in convincing anyone to go against strategy that has kept them safe. That said, for me, meeting men IRL has brought the most LV behavior into my life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/01/22 03:25 AM
10

I don’t disagree with that, except in that men who want to fabricate who they are will do that in any sphere of their lives. Vetting over time, to where you do not have to take a leap of faith to have sex with someone, is crucial no matter how you meet them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/22 06:21 PM
1295

Pregnant or not, the phrase “this is what is expected of you” is just giving me chills in the worst way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/22 05:26 PM
38

I understand this is not a popular view, but men on OLD and men IRL are actually the same men. Yes, not all of them are on OLD, that does NOT mean they have HV traits or that they are “safe” to be around. I’ve met narcissists through friends and decent men online, nothing is guaranteed. Vetting is the same, being only in public at first is the same, not giving specifics about where you live is the same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/22 03:23 PM
77

My ex husband thought he could make it as a day trader and wanted me to invest my tiny, crucial savings in gold. I looked at the scammy service he suggested, the fees alone would have eaten up my savings. Men just aren’t good with money if they think they are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/01/22 03:26 PM
11

I think the term “pickme” can have some similar issues to those that come up with labeling someone a HVM. Categorizing a whole person as only being one way is never going to be fully accurate, it is of necessity a shorthand for a larger pattern of behavior. I do think that labeling a behavior or a choice as being in a pickme realm can help us de-normalize it. Did I know any better than the choices I made when I was 19? Clearly not. Were they choices born of a culture of oversexualization and wea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 07:06 PM
11

It depends how deeply committed they are to where they currently are in life. I’ve had to cut off a good friend because she feels that her intense commitment to self-disrespect is part of her identity (kink stuff, etc). On the other hand, a younger friend of mine and also my mother seem to be actively benefiting and growing in their self-respect and boundaries in part because I’m able to demonstrate those goals in my own life. You have to protect yourself first, though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/01/22 03:12 PM
58

What… why would an adult man be expected to call his girlfriend with a dental issue in the middle of the night?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/01/22 02:07 AM
32

This… seems unwise to me. It sounds like the “strategy” here is a long-game vetting of men who are not appropriate to date. I do have friends who are men, and with each one there is a clear reason they would not be an appropriate partner for me. It is not discussed, but it is known. If any of them disclosed “feelings” toward me, it would be unwelcome, inappropriate, and actively creepy. I do think there is potential value in having male friends who value you and see the value you would bring to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 04:59 PM
33

It’s misogynoir all the way through. White men, especially wealthy ones, are considered “boys” by society into their damn 40s. Women, and especially WOC, are demanded to come out of the womb already knowing how to never upset anyone or tread on any toes in the world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/01/22 12:16 AM
30

Sending you hugs! I had absolutely no idea how much she was impacting me until she promised to change a way she was treating me and then immediately doubled down on behaving the same way… it felt like I was breaking the law by drawing a line and calling out her decision. The self love and also the space it makes for other people to come through in our lives in healthy ways… a whole new world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 03:06 AM
135

A few months ago I had to step back hard from a friendship due to a range of her behaviors, some of them very much in the pickme/using men to self abuse range, and some potentially narcissistic behaviors towards me. On one level it’s been difficult because I don’t casually cut off friendships, but the freedom of not having her terrible perspectives dinned in my ear about her life and mine has just been… freeing. My mental health is better, my sleep is better, I honestly think my digestion is bet…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 01:33 AM
13

Thank you. Yes, she’d be starry-eyed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 02:10 AM
53

Wonderfully said. It’s very easy, especially when we’re first learning to have boundaries and standards in dating, to be very harsh on our past selves as well as on others who have not yet learned these things. Self compassion goes far. I often find that if the memory is within the past five years or so, I’m often self critical and cringey about it. But I’m now thinking of myself ten years ago, who felt trapped in getting married to a man who treated her as an accessory rather than a partner, an…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 10:42 PM
63

Please reconsider the concept of “how can we protect ourselves from getting dumped over this”. There is so much more wrong in this relationship than how often he is “getting” sex.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:29 PM
61

Check OP’s previous post. It was to lie to women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 12:57 AM
214

In all of my best friendships, there’s always a reciprocal feeling of “but you do so much for me, let me do something for you!” The other day, friend surprised me by dropping off some fruit, and I was like “wait wait, I have some tea I’ve been meaning to drop off for you!” I’d be delighted to have that energy in a relationship, to feel free to give and never have that thing that stops me arise. A good thing to look forward to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 12:54 AM
8

I’ve been slowly learning that being consistently frustrated with a person or situation means my boundaries aren’t being respected. I get what you’re saying about this friend not being very intellectually engaged, and I don’t think that in itself would be a full “reason” to remove her from your life. But actually she seems to be making fun of you for stating basic facts. There could be all sorts of reasons she does this (insecurity, maybe she’s taking in a lot of broader disinformation along wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/22 05:34 PM
23

I’m not sure about the existence of leagues. I’ve dated several men from wildly wealthy families (hilariously , all of them I was interested in before they disclosed anything about this) who had varying access to resources themselves and to me none of them provided appropriate value in the dating relationship. You don’t know what value someone will bring to your life except by vetting them over time, so I wouldn’t be too worried about someone’s perceived value to the outside world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 02:31 PM
15

Holy shit. The amount of overlap with my ex husband… same profession, also thought based on nothing that he could become a professional gambler. He filed our taxes when we were together but I have copies… I looked through them the other day and guess what? He was actually losing money every year on that. But you’d better believe that he bragged every day that he didn’t go in the red. Um. Okay. Good for her, I hope she enjoys the hell out of that Audi.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 11:16 AM
15

Yikes. So what we’re saying here is that he cannot manage his finances. If he has not saved with future partnership in mind prior to meeting you, I cannot imagine that some magical change will now come over him. I’m sympathetic to being overly open with people, that’s something I’m learning as I go as well. But him knowing you have assets and stable income at this level and future-projecting/future-faking this hard does not look good. Like I said, I’m still learning myself. Definitely do not “ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 12:37 AM
129

When you say he has no savings, I’m curious whether you mean he has genuinely no savings, or if he doesn’t have savings at the level you have? If he seriously has no savings, to me that means that any minor emergency in his financial life could be an excuse to take advantage of your financial stability. If he has perhaps an emergency fund he could live off of for three months, but not the level of savings that you have, that could be a smart move if he’s paying off student loans. I’m also curiou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 03:13 PM
9

Sending hugs, I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. But yes, I’ve loved seeing him do nice things for my mom and come through for her in difficult times in life. He’s also been great about developing his relationship with me over time, never assuming his place in my life but open to developing new levels of closeness on emotional and intellectual levels over time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 08:59 PM
65

The closest I can think of is my stepdad, although he didn’t cook well which is certainly a problem. He kept a good house, had and has healthy friendships, does good work in the community through his job, maintains family relationships as a priority. He had relationships over the years but would end them when it was clear they didn’t have a future and spent a lot of his time single. Most men I would flag for not making a commitment until later in life, but he’s been a true partner to my mom thro…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 04:26 PM
75

Last year I went on two first dates. On one, I at one point pulled out my phone saying “let me make sure my friend isn’t worried about me” and the guy seemed like it dawned on him in that moment, at 30 years old, that women have safety concerns when dating. The other first date, I mentioned this previous interaction and he made a quizzical face and said “yeah, of course, safety check” in a tone like it was as normal as putting on a seatbelt in a car. The difference between men who actually liste…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/22 05:00 PM
23

Thank you! Yes, when we’re young, we think we’re “mature” and that it’s good to be seen that way. We don’t and can’t understand what it is to be that older person… so, gotta flip it. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/22 12:21 AM
110

What I like to tell women who are under 25 is to imagine themselves dating someone 4-5 years younger than them. They get the ick immediately and it’s a good way to start thinking about what must be wrong with someone who wants to date someone who’s not on their level or at their stage of life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/22 11:27 PM
15

I agree strongly with all of this!! OP, I think you’ve spent enough time being financially abused that your conceptual norms have been screwed with. At least in the US, which I’m guessing you are, it would be SO bizarre for someone you were just getting to know to pry into really anything about your finances. “I own my home” can mean anything from living paycheck to paycheck with the mortgage, to having it completely paid off. Being financially stable is a badass accomplishment… but also not any…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/12/21 02:18 PM
46

If anyone has an example of a “quest” or elaborate request, I would love to hear it. Learning to make requests in any area of life is challenging for me and I’d love to set my bar higher about what might be an actually elaborate request!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/21 03:08 PM
15

On the one hand, no, ending conversations when you don’t like them is in absolutely NO way “poisoning the well”. On the other hand, if you don’t want to be dating, you shouldn’t be. Focusing on yourself is, at least in my mind, much more important than being up to speed on how people act in the context of dating. It doesn’t matter how they act if you are solid with yourself and what’s okay for you, if/when you decide to date.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/21 09:25 PM
3

Wow, thank you so much!! I’m very familiar with the story of Christianity modifying older pagan holy days to suit, I didn’t know there was a similar history in Judaism. This is so fascinating!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/21 01:18 AM
14

I appreciate your meaning, but it wasn’t quite that way. He saw going to rehab as an end between us even though I’d already broken up with him. He knew all along that he didn’t have his life together enough to be an appropriate partner for me. He knew there wasn’t a way he could keep me around, so he didn’t try. Rehab is part of his own patterns. I was glad he went so I didn’t have to be concerned about how he would react to the breakup.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/21 01:15 AM
67

Right?? I just… if I say the word “Olympic” enough, I don’t magically become an Olympic athlete. ??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 07:19 PM
182

Here’s my best one: after relapsing into addict behaviors in a way that really took advantage of me and could have easily wrecked my life plans, he checked himself into rehab at the exact moment I was signing papers to close on my house. (PSA: Addiction has a strong genetic component, but abusive behaviors are a choice!! Choosing to not be in actual recovery and instead talking about recovery all the time like that’s the same thing is also a fucking choice!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 06:21 PM
16

I think the downvotes are a product of people thinking you were defending him. I’d say, don’t stress!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 05:19 PM
14

I agree this is the worst I’ve ever seen him look.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 05:11 PM
3

This is so sweet. I’m Quaker-agnostic but have some Jewish ancestry that I identify strongly with, I’ll have to look into the significance of solstice in Judaism for next year’s solstice. So cute that your kids have been secretly really into it. 😭🥰
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 03:57 PM
20

Wonderful! It’s great to have separate interests too. I’ll camp occasionally with friends for special purposes, like access to a particular location or activity, but you’ll never find me going “yes, let’s get out of this protection from the elements and away from this indoor plumbing just because!”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 03:53 PM
43

Thank you! And yes, absolutely. Plus, how much of a fool does someone have to be to not be interested in expanding their world and learning new things from potential partners in dating? Oof.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 03:15 PM
3

I love all of this!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 03:13 PM
3

Oh no!! Hugs to you and them. Hope they have a mild case. Yes, we had one household unable to come due to an exposure. :( What a time. Me too!! It’s a lovely holiday and it’s so important to me to mark that shift when the light starts coming back. ☀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 02:12 PM
273

Even beyond the specific crap, I think a deeper problem with him is that he’s pretending he doesn’t understand that other people can enjoy other things besides the things he enjoys. Incredibly immature and self-centered.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 02:10 PM
40

Ohhhh I just want to give her a hug. All of her facial expressions here hit me in the gut. He demonstrates a dozen different ways how little he cares.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 01:50 PM
3

Oh, I hate that you had to not have it this year, but next year— yes!! Last year we had it on Zoom, not the same. This year, vaccinated and boosted and tested in a small group… making progress towards normalcy. <3
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 01:43 PM
7

Aw, thank you! I hope to!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 01:41 PM
3

Oooh I love that, sounds gorgeous!! Also, how did you reach into my mind and tell me how much I spent?! I got a long strand of gray pearls because I’ve always loved the idea of them. Not the highest quality but I’m stoked.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 02:40 AM
59

Jesus wept, that edit is… really something.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 02:10 AM
7

Anything you want! Some of my friends are pagans so they do a small ritual. Usually someone reads aloud a quote about the solstice. We drink mead, because mead is like bottled sunshine. Sometimes we have an outdoor fire pit and write things we want to cast aside on paper and burn them. Everyone brings whatever dish they want and there’s always excessive food. I highly recommend it! This year it was a very small group because pandemic, sometimes it’s like 25 people. I like it best when it’s a sma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 01:04 AM
25

Beautifully said! I’m having a minor surgery next week and I plan to spend time on Sunday cooking simple, comforting food to have on hand for myself. I keep thinking of things to make, adding them to my list, and getting excited. Black bean soup! Sweet potatoes! Stewed apples! Yummm.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 12:35 AM
28

I also had a solstice party with friends, it was so good!! And a tea party with my mother, as a stand-in for a really lavish holiday party we went to every year pre-pandemic. I did some slightly ambitious baking for both of those events, which wasn’t exactly pampering for me but I enjoy a challenge and the reactions from everyone were very satisfying. I also took a day off and got a massage last week, and I bought myself pearls. They were not even expensive on Etsy, but I’m excited about them, a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 10:54 PM
3

I’m taking a break to focus on family, like you, and be safe during the holiday surge. But when I am, it’s a matter of: vaccinated and boosted, does not work in a space where others would be unmasked, and has to demonstrate (unprompted) cautions that he takes due to covid. I’m only doing outdoor dining so that’s a boundary for me. It’s cold where I live but there are warm days, I could do a lunch date on a nice day on a patio with heaters.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 05:55 PM
34

I get that this isn’t what you’re looking for, but to me it’s just genuinely not different, OLD vs in person. In any public space, the odds that someone is appropriate to consider dating are minimal at best. Same for each individual or group thereof online. The only man who has fully approached me in person in years turned out to be unvaccinated, disrespectful, and tried to guilt me into a booty call. I honestly can’t remember when someone has behaved that way with me from OLD. I don’t disagree …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 02:06 AM
6

I don’t have a proper answer for this myself yet, I’m interested to develop my thinking around this and glad of the discussion. What I can say is that my ex husband bought me a car. I had student loans to pay and no stable employment, but it was more important to him that I look like part of his outwardly perfect life than that I be financially secure. It seemed like a kind action, and in a way it was, but I could never happily accept a gift of an amount that would substantially impact my financ…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/12/21 02:54 AM
11

Yep. Hell, I’ve been in relationships (and in the past, situationships… sigh, live and learn) where a guy didn’t want sex anymore because of his issues- also known as, not being genuinely interested in me- but there’s no social blowback for using a woman as an emotional pacifier. He gets to be the good guy because he wasn’t using her for sex! Funny how that works out for them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 05:56 PM
9

Oh this. Or where the consequences of having sex are as harsh for men as for they are for women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 05:53 PM
7

Yuuup. Just means he doesn’t respect you, and women he doesn’t respect (aka all of them, likely) are not worth that consideration. Gross.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 05:52 PM
18

For sure, it’s important context! I just think it’s true outside of that context as well!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 10:57 PM
263

In this sub and the world outside it, I think we put a bit too much emphasis on men “only wanting sex”. Men can also use women (and other men) for attention, emotional validation, etc. Just because sex isn’t on the table doesn’t mean he respects you or your boundaries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 10:28 PM
3

I do powerlifting-style barbell and dumbbell strength training, my approach is much more full body rather than splits. Having a nice protein smoothie most mornings helps me get my protein and intake up, and I have targets for that and a rough idea of my calorie intake but I don’t track any of that. Mostly I’ve been trying to put on weight in the form of muscle rather than lose weight. I usually lift around three times per week, I do basically no cardio but I walk a lot for relaxation and the hea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 02:54 AM
3

No, I agree. I just mean that a by-the-handbook FDS life does not include being friends with an ex. If he was hovering it would be a strangely high effort and long term hover, there’s been plenty of opportunities for him to make a move which he hasn’t taken. We were friends initially and are now, it’s good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/21 11:55 PM
18

So, there are men that I'm friends with, although for the most part they are not as close of friends as women that I'm friends with. Most are more like "friend group" friends, and their behavior towards me is always being vetted... like everyone else in life, frankly. Now, for the most part, these men who are friend-acquaintances might very well not have my phone number, that sort of thing. Some do, but we don't text often. Most of them are married and I know their wives well and am closer with …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/21 03:08 PM
2

Wow, yeah, exactly all of this. I’m not too concerned with categorizing exactly why this behavior is coming out, just the impact it’s having. And oh wow, what you say about getting honest and contempt… that’s PRECISELY what I’m fearing and why I’m disengaging. I can see how likely it is that she casts me as the villain of that relationship she’s clinging to, which would only keep her in it longer. I won’t do it. Sending you hugs, this stuff is hard!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/21 02:14 PM
21

Yes. Whatever it is that he says about past women in his life, he will MAKE SURE that you become that as well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:01 PM
57

I’m pretty sure this is what has happened to my longest friendship. She spent ten years being cut down by her ex, then immediately leapt into another completely messed up relationship. I realized recently that she does not treat me with respect or empathy like other friends of mine do, she treats me with condescension and in potentially narcissistic ways when I open up about real struggles in my life. She wasn’t raised that way, she didn’t treat me that way before her ex was in her life. She’s b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:59 PM
28

You made a great choice. He manifestly does not want to get his shit together. Even if he’s an appropriate chronological age for you, due to his ACTIVE choices, he and you are in completely different stages of life. You’re not wrong to like having company, or wrong to decide that company is not an appropriate partner for your life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:34 PM
114

I can’t share an officially FDS opinion, but I can share my perspective. I’m not open to casual sex with women. I’ve had women emotionally manipulate me, pressure me into physical intimacy, and disregard my boundaries. For me, there’s no difference, women need to be vetted. I’m looking for partnership, and if a woman wanted to have sex with me early in getting to know each other, that would be a clear sign that she’s out to get what she can rather than being truly focused on finding a good partn…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 12:08 AM
29

What’s funny to me is, even in the analogy, they DO want to eat the healthy, unencumbered gazelle… they just can’t catch it!! Now watch me run off into the distant horizon with my own home, master’s degree, no debt, and rewarding relationships with family and friends…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 03:38 PM
27

There are frequent discussions in the xxfitness sub about dealing with gym harassment, unfortunately. The best strategy I’ve picked up there, though it’s for unsolicited “advice” aka criticism, is just saying “I’m good”, repeating until they go away. I have a home gym so thankfully not dealing with that myself at the moment. I think you might enjoy Casey Johnson (or is it Johnston?), she’s @swolewoman (handle is joking) on IG and she writes a great newsletter. She definitely pushes back hard on …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/11/21 09:25 PM
13

Leary would work but I think she probably meant wary? But yes we’re all weary too 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/21 02:46 PM
41

Oh, did you mean how my ex husband PROPOSED?? He made a huge deal about how he felt it was his duty to surprise me. Used that as a way to shut me down when I tried to have conversations about anything from ring preferences to relationship expectations. He did not plan anything. He took off work that afternoon to leave flowers in my apartment while I was at work, and to plan a very basic dessert for us to have after dinner. Dinner was at the place we’d gone on our first date, which doesn’t take r…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/21 01:12 PM
43

Oh my god, you’re right! I misread! Wowww he is truly delusional.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 03:45 PM
89

She’s giving him waaaaay too much credit by saying that what he’s doing is unpaid labor similar to that of a homemaker. I do often think we should chip in and pay FDS mods for their labor, but that’s pretty incredibly different, plus I’m sure they all have careers and other things in life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 02:25 PM
36

Oh, lady. The things he does that are acceptable are not a deep love. They are a man doing the bare minimum of very easy gestures to paper over the ways he is draining your life for his own benefit. You may be alone in the short term, but it will be the beginning of your life as you know it, not the end. Get him out of your life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 04:17 AM
26

That’s so weird. It does feel like a tactic but it’s hard to know what the goal could have possibly been. One theory I’m considering- could he have been angling for you to suggest/invite him on a date there? But that doesn’t track with him running it down. Maybe he wanted you to be impressed and intimidated that he was familiar with something that conveys status, and couldn’t deal with you being comfortable with that setting. I’ve also been amazed at men I’ve had vetting calls with who acted all…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 04:05 PM
23

Oddly enough, I’m finding the opposite- the more I treat myself with the respect I’ve earned and that I deserve, the more my male friends have stepped up as friends. That said, I definitely keep a bit of buffer between myself and my male friends that I don’t with women I’m friends with, and I do not have any male friends who could be a potential appropriate partner for me “if” something were to change. For the most part, actually, they are partners of women who I’m closer with than I am with the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 08:52 PM
13

I wouldn’t call it patience. She’s afraid of what he’ll do if she just leaves, and very rightly so.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 06:52 PM
47

Several years ago, I went on a couple of dates with a man who eventually disclosed that he had been married to a woman for… I think it was health insurance sharing reasons? And that she then got mad when he didn’t want to “act married” in terms of involvement with each others’ family and such. Then he disclosed that they still LIVED TOGETHER and although they were divorced (I think? My memory on this is vague) she was for some reason upset that he was dating. I can’t imagine why. /s
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 12:46 AM
104

Thank you. I keep seeing this erroneously posted. OLD has been crucial to me learning to vet. The way I think of it is just like walking down a street, most people on that street are absolutely none of my business, so there’s no need to freak out about the fact that many men are not presenting value in the world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/11/21 09:18 PM
29

I just want to say that I think you’re on the right track with pointing out valuable attributes or behaviors. Both in this sub and out in the world in general, there’s such a rollercoaster of assigning “HVM” to particular people and then being disappointed… when really there is no such thing as a high value person, only high value behaviors.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/11/21 07:43 PM
28

I think the part of vetting that you’re missing is the part where you walk away. It’s really easy on OLD, just unmatch. He’ll come over and you’ll cook for him??? Unmatch THEN.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/11/21 02:29 AM
7

Thankfully, yes. The first time I realized a man was inappropriately looking at my body, it was because of my dad’s reaction of disgust. (I was 14.) He’s not a perfect man but has given me a great role model of how men can/should behave towards women’s bodies. No commentary on how people look, size, or attractiveness, no commentary on how I dress or how my body is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 06:23 PM
41

At best, and I mean if the question were to be truly authentic- unlikely- it means that he doesn’t encounter people at all like you in his life. I’d want to be with someone who would be either thinking or saying “oh, you’d get along so well with my sister in law/colleague/friend’s wife” or whatever. Not thinking that I’m better than everyone in his life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 08:18 PM
41

Unfortunately there is no way to navigate a situation such that a creepy and threatening person behaves differently. The only suggestion I would give is to be less open, e.g. don’t give directions, just say something like “yes, Lake whatever is that way” and go about your day. Basically, making clear you’re not the soft target he’s looking for. All of this is not good but that question about if you go everyday at that time… I’m sorry, lady, but I would say to give that spot a rest for at least a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 01:39 AM
25

I sort of take it as a compliment. Thing is, I’ve never been called intimidating by someone who was even close to being on my level as a person. So all in all, it’s more of a self-own on their part than anything else. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 01:11 AM
8

One thing I want to point out is that we as women are socialized to see the way people treat us as being our fault. If he treated you badly, he was going to treat you badly no matter how you presented yourself. I like to dress for the setting, maybe just a half step up from how I’d present myself normally, mostly for a confidence boost for myself. So if it’s a restaurant where I’d normally be comfortable with family or friends in jeans and a nice top and no makeup, maybe I’ll put on a little mak…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/21 02:42 PM
46

Yes!! Your point about actions being HV or LV is so crucial. Even though I understand the tendency to make it about who the whole person is, all we can really assess are a person’s behaviors. We may or may not have misjudged someone, but essentially all we can judge on are the actions and behaviors that we’ve seen. A man can bring value to your life as a boyfriend or date, but not as a husband and father.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/21 04:51 PM
17

On the one hand, I’m all for having “scripts” in your mental back pocket for getting out of uncomfortable social interactions safely. However. The first two are flaggable behavior- crossing and pushing boundaries. The “spinning a scenario” and “noncommittal” as phrased are as well. A man who is actually interested in your comfort and interest should come at these questions from a perspective of “how would you feel about [xyz plan]”. Basically, these are not scenarios you should be having to deal…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/21 01:15 AM
13

Even if he’s self aware enough to know his actual values, it’s better to observe and get to know what they mean in practice than to ask him and then interpret what he means so you can see if how he lives his values is a fit for you. It also kind of sounds like you’re wanting to know what he values in other people outside himself, like in you? There’s no question that’s going to break through and find out “are you the kind of person who’s going to disrespect and devalue me in a relationship in th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/21 07:46 PM
40

Yes. I’m a librarian, though I now work in a different field, and I like to wait for a situation where I can fully read someone’s reaction to share that. Apparently my pre-vetting is pretty good because dates haven’t shown concerning reactions, but I’m well aware of the deeply gross “sexy librarian” trope. I’ve also gotten “oh… you don’t LOOK like a librarian” from a number of people… it’s a good way to vet people in general, not just men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/21 01:00 PM
17

It’s DEFINITELY not a must, and anyone who acts any kind of way about you not sharing your number is showing their cards. I go with my instincts, if someone’s communication is consistent and respectful on the app, I may offer my number “in case of anything last minute” around the date. Sometimes they’ll offer their number to chat off the app, sometimes I’m comfortable doing that, sometimes not. If you don’t feel safe trusting your instincts, err on the side of caution and stay on the app as long…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/21 02:39 PM
6

Thank you for the response on this! I was thinking, well, that doesn’t sound right to me, but I am definitely not a lawyer and have not navigated these waters myself, so how should I know… but you certainly do!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 06:36 PM
17

I don’t see that as a reason to not consider one, but of course we all have our own views, which is why OP requested individual perspectives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 03:44 PM
105

My thinking on prenups is this: two people who care about each other in this moment enough to get married should want each other’s financial future to be as safe as possible, and a prenup is one part of that. The way I think of it is that both parties are saying: in case I turn out to be a very different person than you see me as now, at least the financial impact on you will be mitigated by this agreement we have in place. And I think between self aware, caring, realistic people, that’s not a l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 12:56 PM
4

Like I said, I’m open to people being the exception to that generalization— but in men I’m dating, I’m not going to go in assuming that everyone will live up to my standards. There absolutely are other people like you and I have several of them in my life, it’s just rare that they pop up among single men who are interested in me! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 12:51 PM
37

This is great. If I may put it another way: be clear what it is that you want out of your standards. For me, I generally am not a good fit for people who have not completed a college degree because most people I’ve interacted with who have not done that lack the level of critical thinking and curiosity that works for me. So I don’t spend much time hoping that someone will be the exception to that!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 05:22 PM
7

Flair is awarded for contributing positively to the community. Just comment thoughtfully on posts if you have a relevant thought to share, and eventually you’ll get flaired!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 08:37 PM
10

Scrote Dating Strategy 😂😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 06:26 PM
14

I almost slipped up and accepted a coffee date the other day… then I started thinking through the setting and how it would play out and was just so exhausted by even the idea of it. Nope.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 03:55 PM
7

I’m really struggling right now to manage myself on my dating journey. It feels like since meeting and being turned down by someone who showed some effort earlier this year, everyone who’s shown interest since has been like… worse than anyone I’ve ever entertained in the past. Not even worth going on a date with. I’m afraid of slipping into old pickme mindset patterns. I can’t seem to move past wishing this one guy had wanted to keep seeing me, even though intellectually, I know I don’t want any…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 03:52 PM
130

Or they can just offer walk dates, save everyone the bother of even going on the date because we won’t be there! 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 03:04 AM
17

Also, if they complain about criticism they’ve gotten in the past. An ex told me that people had told him he was toxic… I didn’t get it at the time, but discovered the toxicity for myself eventually.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 10:20 PM
1

Sigh. I think I need to take a break from dating. It seems like all that’s been coming at me in the past month has been disrespect— either unvaccinated or gun owners or just incredibly low effort. I don’t feel like I’m “allowing” it as such, but I must be allowing it on some level if it’s coming into my life, and the more it happens the more I feel like I’m somehow obligated to entertain it because otherwise I’m not dating at all. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 07:11 PM
36

Law enforcement or “security” of any kind, but especially cops. Guns, highly toxic masculinity, violent tendencies, etc— absolutely not. Pilots, mainly because any I’ve seen on OLD are clearly looking to have a woman in every city. A lot of hospitality jobs seem really unhealthy to a work-life balance, likewise long haul truckers or other high-travel jobs. I will say, I’ve gone on dates with a couple of lawyers and had relatively positive experiences there, though I’m sure many are horror shows.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 01:51 PM
24

I appreciate the support! Sure, in the generalities of life I’ve also encountered more problematic men than women, but it’s sad and scary to have straight women say those things, as though everything is always sunshine and rainbows between women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/21 12:05 AM
80

Frankly, I’ve experienced low effort and manipulative behavior from women I’ve been involved with. Creating forced intimacy by talking about sex too early, changing their minds about “being friends” because they decided they wanted to sleep with me after all, being upset when I wasn’t completely focused on them after one date… the whole range of things. I genuinely wish my experiences dating women were more positive than those I’ve had dating men, but that hasn’t been my experience as a bi woman…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:30 PM
5

Love this! I’m a wonderful friend. I have a strong moral center and I deliver on my principles in my life. I’m kind and caring. I’m great at setting goals and achieving them. I’m unusually skilled at living well within my financial needs at a wide range of income levels. I’m an unusually quick study, which is a huge asset in my career and my volunteer work in my community. After owning my own home for less than two years, I’ve learned to do things like change light fixtures and recaulk the showe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/21 02:23 PM
37

It’s because men teach each other to see themselves as the subject and see women as objects. A thing, an object, does not have have preferences. They get to pretend that it never occurred to them that there might be characteristics about them that some or all women would find unattractive. I’m tall for a woman and I wear my hair short. I’m aware that those are not characteristics that every man is into. I am aware of other ways that I am physically attractive, and I cultivate the ones that I mos…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/21 07:50 PM
16

Okay, the parallels are truly silly here. This guy was trying to brag to me about the value of the house he had owned with his ex wife… I was just confused, because last year I bought my first house, by myself, at a similar price point. 🤷🏻‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 12:32 PM
17

Little do they know… I literally had no other romantic prospects at the moment, but preferred to have a quiet evening at home with myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 12:27 PM
40

Yes. I think this man thought he was going to in some way wear me down or convince me he was a “good guy”… clearly he does not read back what he is saying or have the self awareness to see how transparent he is. I do hope he doesn’t happen upon some woman who thinks that being disrespectfully pressured is how a man should “put in effort”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 02:31 AM
114

I’m wondering if it’s something like… they assume we’re a certain level of interested because we’re speaking to them at all. So then they want to bargain us down to how much we’ll put up with/how little effort they can put in. But they don’t realize that we’re only prospectively interested, and putting in effort over time is what causes actual interest.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 02:28 AM
308

The week later attempt is so odd to me. I had something similar happen recently— first it was an offer of dinner, which I turned down after realizing some stark incompatibilities/emerging red flags. I stopped responding. The next evening, it’s a guilt tripping booty call out of nowhere. Left that on read. A full week later “just saying hi, how was your day?” Yeah, blocked. It’s hard to reconcile the logic of “they aren’t stupid, they know exactly what they’re doing” with this behavior because li…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/21 10:32 PM
16

Sure, and someone who has actual charisma would likely feel less driven to push boundaries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/21 07:30 PM
74

Yes, yes, yes. Zero “game”, 100% respect, and wants to get to know you because they’re vetting too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/21 04:59 PM
16

Unasked-for advice is not usually going to be taken well. Maybe you could reach out to her more generally, just meet to catch up and let the conversation go wherever it goes?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/08/21 11:29 PM
8

Y’all are amazing. I think a monthly pause for this would be wonderful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/08/21 01:57 AM
86

I had to take a long moment at the screenshot of “5’9” 155lbs” because like… one, it’s a weird thing to put in your bio unless you compete at a high level in a sport with weight classes. Two, that is a weird height and weight to… aspire to?? I’m a woman and I’m 5’10” and 160. I’m slightly muscular, I do lift, but I’m basically quite slim. And given that men tend to carry their mass more densely than women, he’s bragging about being an alarmingly low weight. I guess what I’m saying is, on top of …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/08/21 01:53 AM
7

Yes, I don’t get into details either, generally the most I share is that shared decision making is important to me and I found that my ex felt he should make the decisions. Not a particularly emotional disclosure. The only issue I’ve run into is men under 30 who seemed overwhelmed by the idea not that I was divorced, but that I’d made as big a commitment as marriage. Showing their own commitment issues and immaturity, basically. Men in their 30s have generally reacted semi neutrally, they obviou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 03:45 PM
39

Jesus, he is a true shitshow. The manipulation is so gross. That said, I do disclose that I’m a divorcée on the first or second date and have never once gotten an alarming response. It’s not even a great vetting thing, honestly, although the range of responses from the mildly flippant to the genuinely empathetic have been interesting to see. I certainly wouldn’t advocate opening up to the degree it sounds like she did leading into this clip, but the problem here is more about him and his whole e…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 12:46 PM
25

Just an anecdote from my week-- there's a man I'm friends/acquaintances with, he and his wife own a business I like to go to (good vendors, atmosphere, etc.), and the other day I was there for a weekly event. He was busy when I arrived so I just waved hello and moved on, later on he caught up with me to thank me profusely for "all my support" of their business (I don't spend much money there and the couple of times I've tagged them on social media, it wasn't even public, so I don't quite know wh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/21 08:49 PM
58

I'd be curious in getting some perspectives about this as well. I've definitely seen more low effort nonsense from people who were super fast to add me on social. Not that I've necessarily experienced across the board better things from people who weren't on social media or didn't add me quickly, but if they add me before even asking me out or after one date, it's never been a great sign. My personal feeling is that if someone feels like they have that level of access to your life and they're a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/21 08:34 PM
1

Whew... the relief of having standards. Yesterday, I dropped by an outdoor event at a venue I like, and a man approached me with pretty obvious intentions. Not necessarily a problem, and the conversation was acceptable enough that I gave him my number. Come to find out, he's 1) not yet vaccinated (it's been widely available here for months), 2) can't take a soft no for an answer/wants to "discuss" my standards, 3) openly disrespected his mother in text because she had been wanting him to get vac…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/21 02:21 PM
2

Yes yes yes. Or even if they’re casual about it rather than fully anti. A man asked me out this evening, I wasn’t sure so we’ve been texting. Come to find out, he hasn’t been vaccinated… yet? He claims he’s getting vaccinated tomorrow. Which I find an awfully convenient thing to say, no idea if it’s true or not. He also said his mom has been “on his ass” to get vaccinated. Well, I should think so, and wow, no respect at all for his mother’s care for his health. So anyway, no date happening there…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/21 02:05 AM
3

Yuuup, that’s exactly what it looks like on Hinge for me too. I go out in the world as much as I can in pandemic world, but that doesn’t turn into anything either. I know I need to adjust my mindset, but my god, how and at what cost??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/08/21 03:03 PM
57

Yeah… he’s describing my first marriage. My standards are higher now. Gooood luck buddy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/08/21 11:22 AM
12

Keep in mind that a man having a PhD does not mean he is smarter or necessarily better at academic work than a woman with a bachelor’s degree. On the other hand, I don’t see “academic skills” as relevant to being controlling or having special skills in exerting control. Just vet normally. Controlling behavior is a red flag, so is acting superior based on accomplishments.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 08:42 PM
31

Just feeling frustrated with myself. I’m definitely hung up on a guy I went on several nice dates with a month ago. I was so hopeful that not sleeping with dates too early would help me not do this, but clearly it doesn’t. Plus I find it hard to avoid a scarcity mindset when there don’t seem to be better options arising. Multi dating works really well for me, but when I can’t even find one person worth going out with… 🤷🏻‍♀️ At least I can be glad and proud I’m not stagnating in a relationship wi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 02:59 PM
7

I don’t think that texting on arrival is necessarily negative or positive but if what you like is for someone to come to the door, then that’s what you like! It’s certainly a way of showing additional care. But also I think some people wouldn’t want someone to come to the door if they weren’t ready… we can have preferences :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/21 12:59 PM
2

Argh, reddit never showed me your comment! :( It was a nice vegetarian pasta bake, it came out beautifully cheesy!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 01:19 AM
7

So, I’m in the “only with the right person” area, and I would never use the term “childfree” for myself. However, I can’t agree that women changing their minds over the course of life, regardless of how they refer to themselves at any point, is why doctors deny sterilization procedures to women. That is about control and misogyny.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 01:18 PM
53

Whew. This is almost triggering, I was actually in a worse place financially— I clawed my way up from student poverty wages to making a THIRD of his salary in the six years we were together. I struggled to get a job in my field because I couldn’t move for work, and he didn’t understand why jobs weren’t falling in my lap… in post-recession world. He couldn’t understand how limited my budget was and didn’t see it as anything to do with him. The more I think about it, our relationship and marriage …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 01:37 AM
108

YUP. And beyond kind, consistent. My ex husband was kind and gentle with his cat, but made no clarity about what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior with her (admittedly, not always something that can succeed with a cat, but still) and then would seem entirely helpless and just kind of whine when she did things he didn’t like. When I finally met his older brother, I saw that his brother was exactly that way with his own children. Setting no expectations and then completely at a loss when they did…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/21 08:11 PM
17

Had a pre-date call after work today, I just… was so tired by it. I don’t think he’s a terrible guy at all, he might bring value to someone else with different life wants. But he just was not showing interest or asking interesting questions, a lot of performances of self awareness. I’ve also had dates in recent months that brought the energy and interest I want to see, so the contrast was obvious. Anyway, finally got off the call and had more fun making myself a casserole. 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/21 12:04 AM
12

I don’t know that there’s going to be a one size fits all answer. I wasn’t sure all through my twenties, but I was also not financially stable and married to a man I wouldn’t have wanted to raise a child with, plus he vehemently did not want children. At 30, on my own and feeling financially stable, I realized I wanted to be a parent. At that time I certainly could not have comfortably afforded to raise a child on my own, but I was in a place where I could start to see how it could be possible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/21 01:31 AM
4

Exactly the same for me! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/21 03:22 PM
35

I’m grateful for this post even though my hope is not to be childfree, because I also need to keep looking into my beliefs about how I’m valued and treated. There’s a line in the handbook that always surprises me, the sense of it shakes out to (forgive me for massively paraphrasing): we don’t expect men in general to pay for dates, but we do expect that men who would be good partners will happily and willingly pay for dates. I guess what it boils down to for me is, a man who would be a good part…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/21 01:42 PM
3

I completely hear you. Crushes are definitely the place where I haven’t yet leveled up. I’m glad to see I now don’t get inappropriately attached to people based on very little contact, or if I do, it’s easier to let go of… but once I start getting to know someone, I’m very vulnerable to my own tendencies to idealize them. To your comment about anxiety symptoms, crushes definitely spike my anxiety, my sleep and appetite are impacted. I wish I had great advice, but I think this is one of those thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 01:13 PM
36

I’m not finding the handbook reference at the moment, but my understanding is that the main FDS recommendation is no more than a 5 year age gap. Of course, less for younger women. I’m 35 and would find anywhere in the 30s an appropriate age range. If you’re mid 40s and he’s 50, I don’t read that as a flag necessarily.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 03:10 PM
44

I’m so sorry. I wish I could come be your RBF-having older lady gym-friend who scares these guys away before they even speak to you. Please do not criticize yourself for not having the perfect comeback in the moment. You were not in the wrong. The best response I’ve seen suggested for this is just to say to whatever comment they’re offering: “I’m good.” And just stick with that. No thanks, I’m good, don’t want help or suggestions or comments, just— I’m good! Sending hugs. Men are on a whole othe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/21 11:18 PM
4

Congratulations on graduating and the job!! Not eating out and being frugal with my groceries has been crucial to my budgeting at times. I’m now essentially where I want to be financially, but I still view eating out as a treat. Like another commenter, I love pastries, and even though they can be pricey, a well savored treat is a great way to make yourself feel special. Whether that means sitting at the cafe table and enjoying your surroundings, or taking it to a park and taking a nice photo of …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 12:31 AM
10

I’m not sure if I would ever actually do this, but the thought has occurred to me that if I wanted to do something nice for a partner for an occasion where I didn’t want to give him an actual gift, like maybe Valentine’s Day, I might buy myself lingerie and let him see me in it. It might feel too self objectifying but with the right person I can see it potentially being appropriate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 12:20 AM
110

Yes. One man I used to date gets visibly nervous if he sees me at a public event, and from how his current partner behaves if she sees me, it’s clear they have created a shared narrative about how badly I behaved towards him… or something like that. The truth is, I asked him for a commitment, he strung me along and wouldn’t give a yes or a no, it hurt me terribly, and he clearly feels ashamed of his actions and that freaks him out because he wants to think of himself as a good man. Even his frie…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 12:15 AM
2

Absolutely! ❤️❤️❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 11:06 PM
2

Oh, my mistake about what the prior situation was, I misread. I’m not Muslim myself, so I can’t speak in detail. What I mean is, if you not being a virgin means that someone thinks they should automatically have access to your body, they are not a good or kind person. No one is entitled to know what has happened in your past, sexually or in your relationship history, before you feel comfortable sharing that, or perhaps ever depending on your boundaries. I can’t imagine you would want to be in a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 07:56 PM
2

If they respond to the knowledge that you have been married before by asking when they can have sex with you, they just vetted themselves for you. That’s a very gross reaction. I would encourage you to think of yourself and tell men you go on dates with simply that you’re someone who was married to the wrong person before. Not that you have a “past” (everyone has some sort of past) or that you’re not a virgin. Admittedly these men are filtering themselves out for you very effectively, but mentio…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 04:33 PM
31

What I’ve picked up in this space is that it’s not your problem to make things progress. Even small expressions of interest, I would think in the range of lightly expressing interest in some activity or accomplishment of his, would be enough to signal to an interested man that you might be interested. Consider how often men (admittedly, men not worth the time) assume a woman should be interested in them based on absolutely nothing. You are already a woman who is willing to have a conversation wi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/21 04:52 PM
58

Oh wow. This… this was me almost to the letter, pre-FDS. I still have a lot of work to do with myself but thankfully this isn’t me anymore.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/06/21 01:41 PM
7

I think of it sort of like age, in that there’s a range but it’s not a large one. For example, I work a standard corporate job. I was in touch with a man who works in the arts and a specialized retail job related to that. I’m not sure how that plays out for him, depending on how he manages his money and lifestyle it could have been a fit, but he couldn’t figure out his schedule to go on a date so there you go. That said, I wouldn’t date someone who prioritizes playing golf often because it’s an …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 01:11 PM
28

Because if we admit that it hurts to be disrespected, we’re “the crazy ex” and we don’t want to see ourselves that way or have others think of us that way. Good news is, it’s totally reasonable to feel hurt AND to stop allowing that kind of behavior into our lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 01:04 PM
7

Thank you so much, this is really beautifully phrased and I appreciate it. This all for the most part where I’m at intellectually, and I know I’m integrating it into my emotional context as well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 04:49 PM
10

As much as I want to keep positive energy in this space, I'm really disappointed. I'd been on four really good dates with a man and while of course I was still only starting to gather information about who he is and how he conducts his life, I felt very confident and certain that we were going to keep going on dates. Then the day after a lovely date, I get the "it's not clicking for me, best wishes" type of text. I was just really enjoying having someone who seemed like a potential fit for me ac…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 01:24 PM
3

You're so welcome! It's helpful for me to think these things through as well. :) I completely understand, I've managed to help a couple of people close to me understand a little about how I want to be dating now but it's still difficult sometimes. I definitely find places where I've gone too far for my own comfort into a "control" space and need to ease off myself... we're all learning!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 03:06 PM
4

So... I'm new to this as well, definitely not trying to answer from a position of authority on the subject. I don't think FDS says to never reach out first, and if it feels natural to you to reach out at times, I think you should. I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that with this guy who clearly just wanted sex, it wouldn't have mattered what you did because that's still what his aim would have been. So perhaps don't overcriticize yourself for what decisions you made there, or if you were wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 01:43 PM
2

That "friend" sounds... wild and uncalledfor. xxfitness has a lot of threads about navigating the gym and unwelcome interactions with men. Unfortunately no one has a solution for the overall problem but there are a lot of good strategy tips. My favorite is simply to respond to any unwelcome interaction ("advice", or approach, etc.) outside of "how many sets do you have left on that" is to just say "I'm good!" and stick with that. Have fun lifting!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 09:08 PM
3

Hmm. I would say to be cautious of changing your natural behavior based on the reaction of someone who was wrong for you. Look inward. If there is something in you that keeps you from being open with people, that’s one thing. Think about your friends, family, people you feel safe with— do you feel closed off with them? Or just with men who only want to sleep with you? I’m not saying that you can’t ask someone how they are, but if that feels like a big risk to take, you’re probably pushing on a s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 03:22 PM
14

One thing a friend reminded me of pretty recently is how much less attention men get in their dating lives than women do. I mention this because it helps me remember that just warmly agreeing to a date is pretty exciting and encouraging to men who have a healthy mindset about dating. Basically, I wouldn’t worry about it. Though also I don’t think there’s a problem with reaching out by text sometimes if it’s natural to you. The other day it occurred to me to ask a man I’ve been on some dates with…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 11:31 AM
21

Great points. I've also thought about making a small post about how men relate to their cars. I personally would prefer that someone have a functional, well-kept but essentially boring car over an interesting, cool, or incredibly clean car, because the latter usually indicates a gap in their own identity and relationship to self. (Or we can go the "he's compensating for something" route, I just think it goes deeper than that.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 12:18 PM
19

For me, having a life I love first has been a huge shift. My two goals in dating are one or the other of these: a) continue to live this life that I love on my own, or b) get involved with a partner who is a positive contributor to that life. There’s no losing here. I may spend a little time here and there texting with someone and things ultimately don’t move forward, I may go on perfectly pleasant dates with people who are not for me. I don’t see those activities as “lost” time, it’s time I spe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/06/21 02:16 PM
3

Ohhh honey yes!! Sending you hugs. We're done with that steep uphill rocky hike to nowhere, come over here on this nicely paved path in the shade. (Honestly not a bad literal correlation with dates I would go on in the past vs now...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 08:08 PM
83

A wonderful point and a wonderful show. My ex husband mentioned once, as things were really breaking down between us, that I put effort into being a good person... as though it was a foreign concept to him. I just... okay? You can do that too? Anyone can! It is sad to see.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 07:48 PM
4

Aww, you’re so kind and this is so lovely! Rooting for you right back! I’m really glad to hear this is what you took away from my post, truly. I spent some months feeling like surely women who had success in changing their experience of dating were different from me in some major ways, but now I don’t think so. An easier path is out there when we choose to walk it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 07:35 PM
6

when you’re eventually exclusive with somebody that you’ve already/can then imagine a future with them- otherwise why would you agree to stop seeing other people? I'd be interested as well, but I do have to say that this part is not clear to me. What I was talking about was things like imagining a life together with someone I've only gone on 2-3 dates with. To me it doesn't seem inappropriate to have more of those thoughts about someone you're in a relationship with... but there's always a dange…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 07:20 PM
10

Oh, that's so lovely of you to say! I'm sure you'll come up with great ideas to share back with me and others too!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 06:09 PM
8

Thank you! Me too, whether that’s a relationship with someone or with myself. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 05:13 PM
16

Thank you, as much as I know that for myself it’s lovely to hear from you as well!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 05:04 PM
22

What a beautiful wish, thank you! That’s the plan!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 05:00 PM
16

Thank you! It’s exciting to find that it’s not difficult to do this and be true to myself and what I need.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 04:08 PM
53

Good god no. You’re understanding just fine. I have generalized anxiety disorder but that’s not what they’re talking about here. Ugh, the amount of time I spent in a situationship looking like that butterfly meme going “is this having an anxious attachment style??” No honey, it’s called being strung along by a dude who doesn’t care about you but doesn’t want to be the “bad guy”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/21 07:08 PM
2

I’m glad to hear I’m not completely off base, I didn’t think I was! On the one hand I’m never going to push back against women sharing their experiences of awful behavior they’ve been subjected to but at a certain point it seems to start to normalize that and lower expectations, and I hate that for us.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/21 02:45 PM
17

I’m grateful for this post and confused by some of the responses/what’s getting upvoted and downvoted. I do wonder if pandemic life has made many women here shift focus away from dating and those who only found the sub during that time have a skewed understanding of what the sub is for. That said, I found it during that time and mostly lurked to help myself get myself grounded and prepared for when I felt it was (pandemic wise) safe to date again. That said, this post made me realize that I feel…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/21 01:49 PM
15

100% pro. I like to think of prenups and life arrangements such as separate accounts as protection against the possibility that your partner may become someone you don’t recognize. Both parties should be protected against a future where they do not understand or relate to their partner and need to leave, and to my mind, anyone entering into marriage or partnership should want that future safety for their partner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 11:59 PM
8

I’m glad you’re getting a new realtor, I had to as well for a different set of reasons (first one discussed a multiracial neighborhood I really liked as having a “crack problem”… GOODBYE). This was a bit over a year ago so the market was not quite as wild, but I had four offers turned down before getting one accepted on a house that is truly the best fit for me of any I looked at. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bath, in a beautiful neighborhood close to essentially everything. The kitchen and appliances are ni…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 12:00 PM
4

Beautifully said. As it happens, I'm now the age that my ex husband was when we started dating, and that makes it so clear to me that he was in the wrong. I would not under any circumstances date someone 12 years younger than me. I do know people that age who I respect and think are amazing individuals, but it would be comprehensively inappropriate and in no way appealing to date someone that age! Sending hugs on the latter part, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 02:17 PM
1

I think I understand a fair bit of what you're saying. For me, it's necessary to almost have two entirely separate minds about past hurt: one mind is saying "the way this person behaved was not acceptable" and the other mind saying "what beliefs/life conditions/societal expectations/etc. had me stay in that situation? have those changed, have I changed how I relate to those things? who am I and what is acceptable for me?" That's not to say I haven't spent plenty of time re-living hurt. It may be…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 01:25 PM
28

Yes, I was told the same by many adults who truly meant me no harm but it still made me an easier target. So glad for your diagnosis and I hope, treatment path. For me it was more that dating completely useless people my own age made me think someone older might suit me better, when just looking for better appropriate fits for me would have been a better path.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 04:10 PM
211

Happy birthday!! Here's what I would tell my younger self: It's not a good thing when older people pursue a relationship with you. It doesn't mean you're mature, it actually means very little about you, it just means they're unhealthy. I know you think you're so grown up, but you wouldn't date a high school freshman, right? That's how much space is between you and those people, and how gross it is that they want to be with you. Also, about so many things: Is it going to matter in five years? Is …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 02:11 PM
3

Yes! Recognizing your own patterns is the first step in moving forward from them. And it sounds like you’re even further than that, and it will get easier from here. I’m really glad for you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 11:43 AM
6

I mainly just agree with the other supportive comments, with one addition. I saved this comment ages ago because it really spoke to me: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lijn40/im_feeling_a_little_pickmeisha/gn3jz5x/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 We all have self-destructive behaviors/patterns to unlearn. Having feelings that you recognize as not being in line with who you intend to be is normal and human. It’s what you choose to do when you h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 08:36 AM
25

Omg, Ask Baba Yaga is my favorite. Sometimes I’ll just open it to a random page when I feel untethered, it always has wisdom to apply.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 09:28 PM
8

Oof. 1) Congratulations!!! 2) Yes, they may just flat not be able to have those conversations. It may be that you need to find which friends of yours are interested in having those conversations about standards. I will say this— my mom, after just a few months of me occasionally saying something about standards, has gone from being freaked out at the idea of me flat rejecting men for being completely outside what I’m interested in, to tentatively but supportively agreeing with me that I shouldn’…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 09:24 PM
45

It sounds to me like a way of categorizing you and demanding your attention simultaneously. They want a reaction from you, whether it’s that you feel flattered or defensive, they think they’ll be in the driver’s seat of the conversation. I’m not saying I would necessarily handle it well, but I think either ignoring or something in the range of “oh, a lady never tells” with whatever level of humor or coldness feel right to you would be appropriate depending on the situation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 03:46 PM
3

❤️ to you for creating the space for the sharing! Several years free and thriving :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 11:55 AM
37

Thank you for this. My ex husband was good at not seeming controlling so many of these behaviors were happening but not in ways that I could call out. But the one that strikes me today is “puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable”. He would only ever give small trinkets that would be more appropriate for a child, or large inappropriate gifts that I didn’t want and couldn’t react to the way he expected. I thought the problem was that my “love language” wasn’t gifts— the p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 10:31 AM
3

Thank you! It went quite well. The restaurant still doesn’t take reservations so he was there early to get us a table (didn’t mention it, just texted me where to find him before I arrived) and it went on similarly from there. A nice time. It’s a little work for me to remember who I am and what I’m about now, but I’m glad to have the chance to do that work for myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 11:47 AM
29

Oh, see, what I like about hinge is that they can start the chat. As opposed to bumble where I would perforce have to. Try not sending messages, maybe not even likes, and only respond to reasonable messages. It’s a lot less of a time investment, at a minimum.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 02:15 AM
106

One I’m sure I picked up here somewhere is: I am the bar. If they treat me less well than I treat myself, I would rather spend time with myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 09:06 PM
121

It’s purely negging. If he was interested, he wouldn’t need convincing, and if he’s not interested, why is he bothering you?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 04:49 PM
17

I just continue to be amazed at how differently men are behaving towards me than in my pre-FDS days. Not pretending I am doing everything ideally, e.g. these interactions are beginning on OLD because it's fine for me currently, but... as I posted in a previous check-in, had a nice dinner date last week, he picked up on some things that might indicate incompatibilities and we texted about that the next day, agreed we weren't a fit, and left it at one nice date. Someone else I was briefly messagin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 02:42 PM
8

Went on a date yesterday for the first time since I got familiar with FDS. I really am different. And men treat me differently than they did. I honestly cannot think of the last time a man asked me out for a dinner date, right now I have two other men besides this date wanting to take me on a dinner date when we figure out our schedules. I was a little twitchy when the bill came because in the past I would pay for a coffee or drink, or at minimum do a wallet reach at a meal-- I did none of these…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 01:35 PM
86

Ohhh god. Red flags as far as the eye can see. Keep yourself and your peace of mind safe.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/05/21 06:55 PM
10

Wonderfully said. I think the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” is worth both expanding on and boiling down even further. By that I mean that even just “he could” says a lot of it, but also it can be unpacked into “if he thought of himself as a person who brings something to a relationship, he would already be doing these things, you cannot convince or teach him to do them because he does not care and doesn’t want to”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 08:33 PM
10

So glad we could come to clarity, thanks for sticking with it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 05:39 PM
26

Ah, I see where the confusion came in. I may not have sufficiently clarified between “here’s what FDS as a unified concept says” and “here’s something I’ve seen people say on this sub which seemed well received but didn’t land right with me personally”. I meant the latter! Again, I don’t differ with anything you’re saying, but I was making a different point. Which is that we deserve considerate treatment on dates regardless of the effort we choose or feel socially pressured into making regarding…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 04:41 PM
9

Oh, absolutely, that’s certainly something I’m aware of in some circles! Makes sense to me in a lot of ways.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 04:20 PM
37

Mm, I don't disagree with anything you're saying but I think we're missing each others' points. My point was that we shouldn't have to "pay" for kindness or a demonstration of interest/investment with our constructed presentation. I think I'm understanding your point to be that men should contribute financially due to their lack of other contributions, which I'm certainly not going to push back on, I think it's a very reasonable position and one that I agree with in many ways, but it's not the p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 03:54 PM
122

One of the points I see frequently on this sub that still confuses me the most is that men should pay for dates because women have to spend large amounts of time and money doing our makeup/hair/nails in order to be acceptably presented on a date. (Now, I’m a white woman and I recognize the expenses, pressures, and abuse around hair that Black women experience, that’s a much larger and deeper topic.) But to me that makes it seem like our efforts to look good dictate how kind a date should be, whi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 02:52 PM
52

Something that occurred to me recently: in my experience, men are happier when they're paying for the date. It makes them feel confident and caring. It's a way that they can very easily show those qualities. I'm not that excited about someone else's money. I am excited to see demonstrations that they can manage their money and their time, and that they want to me to be comfortable and content around them. If they want to go on a thirty minute date and not do anything to make sure I'm comfortable…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 06:34 PM
26

People are just showing you who they are. I have a three bedroom... literally we’re just talking about a master bedroom, an office, and a guest room (the gym is out back so I don’t break my nice floors in the house deadlifting😅). It’s really none of their business.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 08:53 PM
55

Kudos to you for getting clear on these points relatively early! My ex husband thought incredibly well of himself for the basic fact that he does perform oral sex. He was hurt and offended that I didn’t really like how he actually did so, because he never took the time to learn what felt good to me. It was much more important that it be allll about his ego. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/05/21 11:55 AM
19

Yes. My ex husband always took tender care of his pets, that’s not something he extends to people. Keep an eye out for people who talk about what they did that was supposedly great in past relationships, too. I think it’s a form of future faking. If they were doing it now for you, they wouldn’t have to tell you. (He also talked about having been in better shape, how he used to have more hair, how he liked to dance when he was younger... somehow as though I should have given him “credit” for thos…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 09:57 PM
16

I have similar questions to the ones you’re having. Even pre-FDS, I’ve always been selective so it’s rare to have more than one person I’m seriously interested in. That said, I’m finding it helpful to have multiple “prospects”— there are two men who have shown some interest in me at the moment. Now, I don’t necessarily consider either of them appropriate dates as they’re not asking me out currently (for example, one of them I haven’t given an indication of interest to because when I met him I ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 03:39 PM
6

On the one hand, I think that’s a great self-observation and decision to focus on your own needs. On the other, I think the gap in internal and external standards for how clean and neat a woman is expected to keep her living space vs a man is massive, so don’t be too hard on yourself. But getting where you can care for your own space well sounds like a wonderful goal. <3
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 11:35 AM
26

If he needs to clean his apartment to “impress” you, he doesn’t practice the absolute basics of actual self care.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/21 08:56 PM
9

What about framing it as your preference rather than what anyone else has done? Though it seems like generally “educating” someone on how to treat you is talking to a wall.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 05:22 PM
2

Yup. Or his own observations.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 07:30 PM
5

The underlying message of all of this: “I expect other people to filter themselves out of my dating pool for me, I have no idea how to assess whether I am actually compatible with another person.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 03:29 PM
4

It depends a lot on what your interests are, but other fields are badly in need of the skills that are standard in education. Being able to lead or create trainings, for example. I’ve overall found the standards and expectations in the corporate world to be much lower than they were in education (higher ed in my case). If it doesn’t feel right to you now, it’s not going to improve. EW. Horrifying. My god.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 06:23 PM
18

One thing that occurs to me is to think of it in terms of: why would you want to be with someone who doesn't have the confidence to approach you? Someone who is enamored of some unreal idea of you? And I know, in the fantasy, he knows all about you... but in reality, even in the best case scenario this kind of situation involves a lot of unreal ideas about the other person. Unless you have spent real time with someone in a clear dating context, neither you nor they have the information on hand t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 12:52 PM
3

Yup! One important thing I’m looking for in a date or potential partner is self-awareness, so if someone has no idea what to look for, they probably don’t know themselves very well (like you and me in the past :) ).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 03:11 PM
13

Although the times I’ve asked someone out have resulted in dating them, they’ve also resulted in him being somehow... mysteriously... “not in a good place in his life to be dating”. Despite choosing to date me. I wouldn’t have a problem with a society in which that initiative-taking was more equal, but as it is... not doing the initial asking out anymore.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 12:25 PM
20

You sound like a friend anyone would be lucky to have in their life. Beautifully said, I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective! I’m just at the basic level of, well, if they’re going on so many dates that they “need” them to all be coffee dates, they’re not being selective at all, so we’re not interested in the same kind of dating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 02:33 AM
11

Also true!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 10:51 PM
47

Well said. On “extravagance”— I’ve also had to have a talk with myself about the idea that a restaurant could be “too nice” for a date. When really, given my priorities and finances, there are only small handful of restaurants in my area that I consider to be too expensive... and mostly because I think they’re overpriced and I don’t like the food or atmosphere. So. If I would treat myself to a meal almost anywhere, why wouldn’t someone else?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 09:51 PM
204

What’s funny to me is that I’m very frugal, I live well within my means, I’m smart with my money. One benefit of that is that I get to be generous with the people in my life- not extravagant, not spendy, but generous. If I want to treat a friend to lunch, I can. If I want to get my mother a present, I can. And I enjoy doing those things. I also have no further time for men who pay for things but complain about the cost. It devalues what could have been a generous and kind action.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 09:13 PM
3

Check, got my list. I’m definitely interested in listening a lot to what they say, people do tell you who they are. It seems like my energy or something makes clear I don’t put up with unreasonable behavior, I’ve never had to tell someone to stop contacting me, but I’ll keep the google voice option in mind. Yes, not jumping into sex early will be the biggest change for me and I think likely the most important one for not getting attached to the initial idea of someone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 12:35 PM
28

Nope, not weird. I could understand occasionally being considered a girl when I was in college, maybe even early 20s... but I’m in my 30s and I don’t want to date anyone who wants a “girl”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 09:25 PM
12

Any advice for someone on dating for the first time since finding FDS? I’m happy to say my vetting on the apps even in the past was not too bad, and I think with a pre-first-date call I can even improve on that. But I know it’s going to be tough at times to remind myself that I’m doing the right thing for myself by only accepting real dates and allowing men to treat me to a meal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 02:38 PM
2

At the time I voted on this after my first shot of Pfizer, all was normal. Now a week after my second shot, my “period” (really just spotting and a little cramping, I have a hormonal IUD) has started a week early. I’m not concerned, it’s certainly not a side effect I’d have been put off by if I’d known it beforehand, but it’s interesting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:19 AM
7

This is not about security in the traditional sense, but if you are ready mentally for it, I would recommend a self-defense workshop of some sort. Good teachers, ideally women themselves, should make this accessible regardless of where you are physically. Learning some basics can improve your confidence in your ability to give yourself physical safety. That confidence can translate into carrying yourself differently in the world such that at least some who might otherwise have seen you as a targ…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 01:37 PM
73

It's not being short that's the problem (for me), it's the weird insecure energy. Tall men can have it too. I do think being 5'10" and having short hair filters out some men I might have otherwise had to filter out myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 01:32 PM
3

<3 I’m so glad!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 04:34 PM
7

Congratulations!! I'd offer another interpretation-- you don't look like you spend your money on external things that you don't value. That's a good thing! And honestly, on the idea of "looking" like you have money... a lot of people who have or make a lot of money do not present themselves that way to the world, and the opposite is true too. But don't be afraid to buy yourself nice things. If nicer non-work clothes would be more of a match for how you see yourself, you might want to consider bu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 03:43 PM
13

Completely agreed. Though I think what I’ve run into more is along the lines of women who see their relationships with women as less real than their relationships with men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 10:06 PM
18

I’m bi, and while I’m open to a relationship with a woman, I find the odds to often be against me there for different reasons than a potential relationship with a man. There’s certainly bigotry against non-hetero couples where I am, but I can see living a relatively safe and happy life in that context. What I’ve found is that women are no more likely to treat me with respect than men, and in some cases take “no” just as poorly. My general theory is that it may be because many lesbians where I li…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 09:01 PM
3

The whole thing truly baffles me. Mid 30s, I’ve never taken, sent, or been asked for a nude photo. I’m definitely new to FDS and have had many highly non-FDS behaviors over time but I’m hopeful that means I’m not as far off track as I might be in terms of dismissing unacceptable behavior from others.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 07:17 AM
17

I think a lot of it is the bs about age and attractiveness that we’re fed, but I think there’s a part as well that’s about not having perspective of how life goes over time. Especially if you have friends of a similar age who are getting engaged and married around then, it’s understandable to feel like their lives are moving forward and yours isn’t... but over time you find out which of those relationships had no foundation or functionality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 02:41 PM
2

Exactly! 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 10:41 PM
3

Absolutely, yes. I do know some friends of friends who refer to themselves as “empaths” and I don’t like it but I think they mean it more as “I’m a sensitive person who has experienced trauma and can’t always deal well with intense situations”. Not great, but I kind of get it. If it’s someone I don’t know, especially a man, it usually translates to “I will make everything about how I feel and use that as a control tactic”. The best take I’ve seen on “sapiosexual” was something like, well yeah, n…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 10:22 PM
45

Oh yes. Big lies told to have us make stupid decisions and give up our power before our brains are fully matured.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 07:14 PM
64

I'm so, so glad to hear this. I remember your post, I read it with my heart in my throat because I was in your shoes once and didn't get the advice you got. You don't need this now, but one more piece of advice I would give to other women in that position: Don't try to imagine what you would think when you're in your 30s, because you're not there yet. But do imagine what it would be like if you were 22 and a high school boy thought you should be involved. It's ridiculous, right? There's no way t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 08:19 PM
8

I’m all for seeking out spaces where you feel respected and safe. For me, the solution has been to set up a home gym— squat rack, adjustable dumbbells, some bands and such. I also have a lovely yoga space I’ve made for myself. No waiting for a rack to be open, no concerns about what to wear, no unwelcome interactions. Of course not everyone is going to have the space and option, but if you do, it’s worth considering!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 03:50 PM
2

I thought the same at first too. It takes some doing to remove the lens of culture and socialization that we’re taught to see our own treatment through, but at least we’re doing it now!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/21 03:27 PM
39

I used to come out to dates early on because I thought it gave me a chance to assess their reaction, but no one was clueless enough to get over-excited or say anything to indicate disrespect. In the future, I think I may keep it to myself initially until they're past that first stage of trying to impress.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/21 06:02 PM
6

Finally made myself an FDS-only account so I can start participating instead of just lurking! In a month I'll be fully vaccinated and ready to be open to dating again for the first time since starting to understand FDS (still playing it safe covid-wise, only outdoor dining, keeping an eye on local numbers and so on). I'm so curious how that'll go, I'm aware I may fall back into old patterns and have to catch myself along the way but I'm so hopeful for myself and the standards I now have for my o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:08 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter