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View 1 post and 37 comments by jolleyutah on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
42

jolleyutah/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 05:43 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Wow, hopefully that was therapeutic for him. And eye-opening for you. You're right about parenting with a controlling spouse. I find that she wants to control everything in his life, and I try to offer balance and let him make his own decisions/mistakes. To her I'm not supportive, and I'm turning him against her because I'm "afraid to have the hard decisions and to tell him 'NO' " I just feel that coming down on him for not washing his hands, or for biting his nails, or for not putting his cloth…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 03:40 AM
2

"since I bought my freedom back." I like that. I heard someone else say "People who say money can't buy you happiness never paid for a divorce!" My youngest daughter (adult now) went no contact on her Mom for about 3 years. While I was still married. No contact with Mom, but normal contact with me. That was very difficult to navigate. And difficult to see how badly that hurt my wife. Daughter got pregnant twice during that time and I was lucky enough to be there for the births and to bond with m…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 05:27 AM
4

Sounds like a great setup for you and your GF. Some time together, and some time to yourselves. Seems ideal. Curious how the no-contact with your child and ex. Was it a conscious choice, or just happened naturally? Did he come to you and discuss his potential decision with you? How did the whole thing effect you? I have a feeling that my 15 year old will likely do the same when I finally pull the trigger and divorce his Mom.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 06:17 PM
4

That's beautiful. Something that I think most of us aspire to achieve.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 06:05 PM
1

Sounds conniving and brutal! Sorry you had to go through that. But, I imagine things are sunny now? Or at least getting sunny?
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 03:47 PM
1

Why did she decide to end it? Were you surprised? Even though you are grateful today, were you surprised or hurt? Did you try to stop it? Try to say "I'll change, tell me what I need to do!"
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 05:46 AM
1

depending on what she looks like, you might be surprised what you can get for used yoga pants on some websites (I've heard)....Actually, there is a market for everybody. Looks probably don't matter much. ;)
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 03:06 PM
1

I'm currently hemming and hawing over whether I want her to move out, or if I want to move out. My Wife doesn't throw anything away. We have concert stubs from 1994 as an example. I like the idea of her leaving, because I love my house and my garage. But it scares me that she won't take enough. And it'll take a 52' trailer and a couple weeks to get her stuff out of the house. I like the idea of me moving out and taking only my garage stuff, office stuff and clothes. The idea of having a complete…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 03:04 PM
2

You sound like my kids! And my Mother. And every friend I've ever confided in. And every therapist I've ever talked to....But still it's hard. Perhaps because I've allowed myself to develop into a coward. I'll just retreive my balls from her purse and sew them back on. Then hopefully be brave enough to make a difficult decision.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 02:56 PM
1

it's interesting because the day after I shared those words with her she seemed angry. We chatted about it briefly the next night and her reaction was "If you've felt this way for so long then we should split. In fact we probably should have 20 years ago" She said that she has known about several of the concerns for a long time, but that she "disagrees" with some of them. We haven't discussed what that means yet, but I made sure and used the line she's used on me a thousand times; "You can't dis…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:59 AM
2

interesting, thanks. Interesting that in that dynamic the anxious person sees themselved as being defective. My wife sees herself (at least it seems to me that she does) as completely normal, and me as being the one who needs to make more of the changes to have harmony.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:44 AM
3

My wife has panic attacks also. Though I don't think there has ever been one that incapacitates her. Her heart skips beats, she gets light headed and nauseous, but never passes out or collapses. That must have been super scary for both of you. Panic attacks and debilitating anxiety definitely are part of my fear and some of what anchors me here. I went and looked a rental house today, fell in love with it. I had the intention of telling the wife tonight before going to bed that I looked at it an…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:42 AM
3

Ouch. hopefully recovery financial and emotional is in your near future!
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:37 AM
1

I want to downvote because the idea is a bad one, but upvote because you’re right. I do that. I feel sad and guilty for doing that. I teach him how to hide stuff from Mom too. Like watching tv shows that are perfectly fine. I’ve taught him to delete shows, and create temp profiles. Necessary for peace, but terrible for development.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 01:07 PM
2

Therapist was saying that he sees this a lot. And primarily in men. That's when he mentioned No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's sad that it is so endemic in todays relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:30 PM
1

Sorry that you've had similar experiences. It's no fun.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:29 PM
1

Like put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others...thought about those idioms for years. They fit perfectly. But I haven't followed them...
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:28 PM
0

I have thought for years that she fit many traits for narcissism. But was never sure because not everything fit. But when my therapist told me that she has many strong traits that fit, it kind of sank in. He also said that often times narcissists only learn when something traumatic happens. Like a divorce, etc. it takes something like that for them to self-reflect and realize the effects their behavior has on those around them.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:28 PM
0

I've thought about that approach. Just do what I feel is right. Explain that "I'm sorry you don't like it, but I'm doing it" My fear is that will activate the anger in her. Make her feel like I am disregarding her feelings, make her want to leave and be adversarial in our split. At this point I think if I leave she will still be amicable. At least it seems that way. My 15 year old son has already told me that he wants to live with me and only see her every other weekend. He's been saying this si…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:26 PM
2

Yep, same. I've told her that I said I couldn't travel. Her response; If you need to travel, then travel, don't lose your job over it. But makes life hell when I do travel. For me before, during, and after my return. And for my son while I am gone. He hates when I travel because mom "changes" Then If I go, when I call to check in every night, there is the inquisition. Who is there? Do you know them well? Any women? How much have your had to drink...
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:23 PM
2

Yep, just turned 51. It really hit me hard that I need to stop counting up, and should start counting down. I don't have 51 more to go! I can't imagine feeling this way when I'm 80 (gods willing!)
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:21 PM
1

Beautiful words, thank you. I have read (although not deeply) No Mr. Nice guy, and ironically my therapist brought that book up today in a session. This was just after telling me that my Wife display many very strong narcissistic traits. Your story about buying lunch resonates with me. She's said things like that many times. I bought a new metal bracelet for a watch at a jeweler, she read me the riot act until I could prove to her it was jewelery for another woman. And the idea of being able to …
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 10:20 PM
12

I really feel for you brother. Also child of divorce, Mom badmouthed dad for years. Dad and new wife fought like hell to get me and my sister to live with them permanently (my mom was/is a pothead) and my Mom would trash them in front of me for them trying to get us in a safer home. Eventually my relationship with my dad suffered badly. Nothing substantial once I hit 11 or so. Only words I would offer is to never stop reaching out. If my Dad had reached out to me consistently we might actually h…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 06:23 AM
3

True...but Kids and Grandkids make me want to stay nearby.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 03:04 PM
4

What state are you in? In Utah, there is "Permanent Spousal Support" if you're married beyond a threshold (not sure what it is, but at 31 years, I'm beyond it) Is there a similar concept in your state? You are clearly closer to retirement age than others, how are you dealing with that? Are you on the hook for a lifetime of alimony? What about when you retire? I've been married 31 years, wife has never worked, I make a precent decent income but am behind on my retirement savings. These are the th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 01:55 PM
3

The bigger question is how to deal with eventual retirement? If you end up on the hook for lifetime alimony (Permanent Spousal Support in Utah) how can you ever retire? I've been married 31 years, been on the verge of divorce for 5 years, am 51, would like to retire while I can still climb stairs. The thing that's on my mind is how will retirement work? If she takes half of my retirement savings, do I stop paying alimony as soon as I retire? Can I retire early and be done with Alimony in that ca…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 06:03 AM
8

Sorry for what you're going through, but I'm more interested in your idiom "Doggy dog World" Is that how they say it in Canada? I've always said it (down in the states) "Dog Eat Dog world" I think I like yours better.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 05:52 AM
6

These comments are nothing! I'm about to leave a marriage after 30 years! I don't imagine the same old pickup lines I used in 1993 are going to work now; "Haver you heard about this internet thing? Not sure why they use it for but it sounds pretty cool" "You should page me sometime!" "Can I buy you a Zima?" "Can you believe Clinton got elected? Pretty cool that he plays the saxophone though." I think I am in for a huge challenge! Wish me luck!
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 05:49 AM
2

Totally relate. 30 years married (Should have divorced 28 years ago) with 5 kids and 6 grand kids. Throughout the years, 3 of my 5 kids have all advised me that I should leave Mom. That we'd both be happier, and that they would be happier if they could only spend half the time with her. They told me this while they were in the teen years. One is still a teenager and fantasizes of a world where he and I live alone in a different City. The other two are grown with their own families but still tell…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 05:32 AM
3

In a similar situation, married 30 years. In Utah that qualifies for "Permanent Spousal Support" Scares the shit out of me. What happens when you retire and presumably your income takes a steep decline?
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 01:33 AM
1

Dude, go easy on the guy. He makes one little spelling mistake and you're all over his case! Clearly he misspelled. He meant to say "Discourse" ;)
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:35 PM
2

We've tried couples therapy a couple times, with a couple different therapists. Each time she decides that she doesn't like the therapist and quits going. Usually after the therapist says something like "What he is doing, or asking, or saying, is normal" The most recent time, we went together for 1 session, the therapist suggested meeting each of us separately for the next sessions. She met with the therapist alone, came home, said she didn't like the therapist and we should find another one. Wh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 01:36 AM
1

I hope it helps you move forward. On your little guy; Don't ever forget to hug him. Never stop calling him. When he's old enough, video chat him. Even though the phone works both ways, don't ever sit back and wait for him to reach out, he may not. I'm a child of divorce (nearly 50 years ago) and after a few years, my father waited for me to reach out. I got busy. for the last 20 years, I've seen and talked to him maybe 2x a year. Before that it was many years without contact. Had he been more pr…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 03:49 PM
1

That's a great idea. It'll probably end up being very cathartic. I thought about doing the same thing (If I ever get the courage to make the decision) I wanted to start with a video about setting up a new living situation. Looking for a place, picking a place, what do I need to buy at the kitchen/homegood store. What do I need at the grocery store, etc... ​ Subscribed. and wiping my eyes after watching...
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 03:10 PM
3

Sounds like a shitty (but ultimately effective) way for her to get a decision out there. I lie in bed at night next to my wife of 28 years, mouthing the words. "I think we should explore alternative living situations" "I think living separately will help us to find happiness" "I think we both need space" "I think we should split up" But ultimately I chicken out. Say nothing, sleep, and wake up with regret. There's always a reason to not say it. Last night it was "She has therapy tomorrow, maybe …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 03:06 PM
5

“…The women! Holy Hannah - they just started pouring out of the woodwork. I was told that younger women like older men. “Bullshit” I though. Well, I was WAY wrong. That meme is also real. I could tell you several stories that would make you hate me.” Well? We’re waiting…Tell the stories mate! Seriously, for those of us who have yet to have “the conversation” this color of light at the end of the tunnel is super important. One of the fears I have is never finding a connection again. Or it being i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 04:13 PM
3

Not to HiJack, but how do taxes work in your situation? (imaginary numbers for easy math) If you earn $100,000 You pay her $50,000 Are you taxed on $100,000? Or are you taxed on $50,000 and she taxed on $50,000 ​ Or, are you taxed on $100,000, which leaves you $75,000, then you pay her $37,500 and keep $37,500? ​ I'm on the brink of leaving (have been for many many years) and one of the things that keeps me under her control is the financial implications.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/22 06:47 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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