TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

kcinkcinlim Archive

View 1 post and 71 comments by kcinkcinlim on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

kcinkcinlim/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 04:10 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Had this happen last year. Thankfully my dad let me and the kids move in (while I search for a new place) and so we're having Christmas in a new, more modest place this time. But that didn't soothe the ache of having the final Christmas dinner in what was supposed to be my forever home.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 08:35 AM
5

I find it better to verbalise what happened. Mentally, we tend to downplay what occurred or blame ourselves for it. Verbalising it to people who will listen not only helps you come to terms with it i.e. it wasn't your fault, but it also helps filter the people who are really on your side.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 02:42 PM
14

Bruh you went from husband to the other man. She's cheating on her bf with you. You need to draw boundaries NOW.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 02:22 AM
1

That being said, I didn't do everything right. I did plenty wrong, You and every other PERSON in a relationship. Doesn't mean you deserve to suffer for it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:52 PM
3

I came across this saying and I live by it now. "Sometimes, a person can do everything right, and still fail".
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 12:29 PM
4

Bear in mind emotional pain is not limited only to during the actual event. It cascades and affects other aspects of your life too. Imagine you have a wound, the first thing you gotta do is clean the wound and keep it clean. If you have a festering wound, will you be at your best for your children?
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 10:56 AM
7

Ok so I know she's coming from a viewpoint of "let's give the kids a normal Christmas", but she's being very very careless about it. She either hasn't considered your feelings, or is expecting you to swallow them for the sake of the children. I want to tell you that you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, especially if doing so will cause you emotional pain.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 10:36 AM
2

Child support is meant to cover the cost of supporting the child. If she chooses to use part of or all of that money to get a nanny, it's incumbent on her to foot the remainder. Asking you to contribute more is akin to increasing your child support payments.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 03:59 AM
8

What kind of bills did you have that warranted three jobs between the two of you? And who was the one contributing most to those bills? OP, you did step up as a man. You were the primary caregiver. Your worth is not tied to your earning power. It's tied to who you are as a person.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 02:04 AM
1

It's about principle at this point. If she wants a certain amount of time with the children, then she needs to show up, doubly so if there's child support payments involved. If she can't, then she cuts back on time, possibly cutting back on child support, or even paying you. When you were a couple, there could be flexibility and compromise. At this stage, it's a business agreement that must be fair to both parties and documented.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 08:50 AM
2

Forget equity for now. Your main goal is to clear your debts. Would your debts be cleared if you sold the house? Will you have a clean slate? If so, that's a win. What follows next can be worked around. Rent an apartment, get a second hand small car for personal use, should all be within your means right? Whether she can afford this that or the other would no longer be your concern. You pay whatever court mandated alimony, if any, and be done with it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 04:22 PM
2

Ok I'm sure you can figure it out. But right now you have a dependent who's holding you hostage. She's not contributing to the home, living on your dime, wanted out then realized she can't afford to be out. Reframed it as "WE can't afford to be divorced" making if your problem instead of trying to make peace and be a better partner. Let me ask you, if you sold the house, would that help or hinder your personal financial situation? Edit: To add, when I say personal, I mean your own debt. Plus you…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 03:53 PM
4

Eh it's not that you can't afford to be divorced. It's that she can't afford to be single. From what I can tell, you'd do just fine. If you're gonna stay like this, you either work it out or end it. It's healthier for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 03:39 PM
7

Tell her that if she wants to have a new life she can do so. Go out there and do it away from you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 05:43 AM
11

This screams mid life crisis or cheating to me. No proof either way, but your main goal now is to protect yourself, since she's not interested in prioritising you anymore. That means lawyering up, finding out your rights, planning your exit strategy and your future without her, regardless whether a serious conversation about divorce occurs.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 05:13 AM
2

Yea it may or may not be cheating, but my point is it doesn't matter right now. It's the least of OP's worries as he needs to protect himself instead of going on the attack FOR NOW. When the dust has settled then yea call her out.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 12:04 PM
10

The only reason I would tell the other wife is out of respect for her, rather than to get even with the ex. Whether it's classified as cheating on you or not isn't the issue, is that you're now privy to someone else being cheated on. However, timing is important. Divorce is a very turbulent and violent procedure. When I say violent, I mean it injures the soul no matter who. So I think it's best to focus on protecting yourself first, before trying to help someone else. Don't run through a glass w…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 04:07 AM
12

It's more to take care of and protect yourself. Society doesn't call women out for checking out of a relationship, not communicating, then leaving her partner for the next one in no time flat. If anything, it's accepted behaviour. So in order to deal with this, men have to adjust accordingly. It means that once it reaches that point, there's no saving the relationship for the most part. So the only thing you can do is focus on the things you CAN control. Things like your health, self esteem, wel…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 07:22 AM
1

Uh whose name is on the card? The bank wants to know who to go after. Say the card is in your name but she spent 10k, that's YOUR debt, not hers. From what you've said it sounds like the card is in her name, so you could stop paying and she'd have to face the consequences. The bank gonna go after her. Just make sure to take your name off the authorised user list. No sense in staying tangled up in it. If she presses on, it's a civil case and she'd have to prove that the continued payments is mone…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 11:45 AM
1

Sir, she is abusing you. I suggest you set boundaries asap. TELL her you're taking your child and your grandma to the zoo, tell her if she wants to come she pays her own way. Tell her she doesn't get to decide what you do on the day. You go where you want, stay out for as long as you want, eat what you want. Then most importantly, stick by it. Your last line says it all. She's controlling you, and that you tell yourself "ok this control will stop later" is a classic abuse victim symptom, because…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 01:59 AM
2

I don't think I did. When I look back on it, the expectations placed on me were unfair, though I didn't understand it enough at the time to express it. All I know is my body and mind reacted accordingly. The thing about changing yourself to suit someone else, is that you can never keep it up. It's not sustainable. This is, of course, assuming the requests were unreasonable. A reasonable request for improvement would have leeway put in place, over a reasonable timeframe that is clearly communicat…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:32 PM
13

I'd tell myself "You weren't the problem. Are you perfect? Absolutely not. But you did the best you could with what information and experience you had. If someone determines that suddenly isn't enough after 10 years, that's not something you can change, nor should you feel the need to change yourself. Improve yourself? For sure. But improve yourself for your own sake, not to appease other people, and certainly not to appease someone whose expectations skyrocketed overnight due to their own insec…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 03:57 AM
3

To this day I still struggle to say if I was actually emotionally abused, but she definitely used emotional abuse tactics, chief among those being the silent treatment. Another being DARVO. A simple example would be if we had an argument where she clearly crossed the line, she would half heartedly apologise, then turn it on me if I wasn't readily accepting of it, and now I'm suddenly the one on the defensive. And of course, cheating is an abuse of trust if nothing else. I probably need someone e…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 05:17 PM
4

Had a look through your comment history, and a lot of what you wrote before answers your own question. The big question to ask here is "why". After long periods of disrespecting you and your marriage, why has she suddenly reached out to want to be friends? Also, why the sudden talk of trying to "regain feelings"? I thought she was happy with her AP? So she cheated on you, and now is trying to start an emotional affair with you?
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 06:44 AM
8

Well tell her you're not supporting the baby, you're supporting your daughter. She's an adult and has made her choice. Your job as parents is to support her as best you can. Let your wife ruminate on this on her own. You do your part.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 05:10 AM
8

This is gender neutral, but, values, character, how he treats others. Bear in mind it's not just how he treats others, it's consistency. For example, my ex wife treated other people with a lot of grace, but the mask fell off when it came to me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 01:14 AM
4

Huh did the sub get brigaded? Seems like a fair bit of people who've never been here start coming out and attacking OP.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 12:44 AM
2

Well then one option is to set a weekend every month/two months where you will not get the kids, and make it explicit. E.g. every other month, on the third weekend of the month.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 01:54 AM
2

I suggest having some flexibility in arrangements. It seems like you and your STBX are on cordial terms, so I think you can negotiate some room for when you need a weekend off, and in return you can take some weekdays when she needs it. Obviously it shouldn't become a pattern where you skip out on weekends regularly.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 07:20 AM
1

Well, why not invest the money? Put it in a place that you cannot readily access, but can control the growth of. That way you don't feel like it's money you can spend. Personally, I'm not saying no to more money. But if it bothers your sensitivities you can find some other way other than rejecting it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 07:03 AM
8

End of the day, if the kids aren't getting hurt, and you want to maintain a cordial co parenting relationship, just frame it to her as "well you're already providing that, so I want to provide a different experience. That way they get the best of both worlds". Very hard for her to deny you this way.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 05:25 AM
14

Sounds like sour grapes to me because you're providing something she can't.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 02:07 AM
6

You have to reframe it from "she has it easy" to "she's taken the easy way out". Women don't need to do much to get attention from men. She just needs to show she's willing to put out. This says nothing about the quality of men she's attracting though, certainly not one who's willing to break his back for his family.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 01:57 AM
7

Hmm it seems I'm not aligned with what a lot of people are saying in this thread. I would state the facts, that she cheated, but not in a "drag her through the mud" way, but just stating a matter of fact, no emotions. But the aforementioned is only for family. For women you date, you don't have to volunteer the information unless they ask. That you're a divorcee should be information you provide upfront I think, then if they ask how the marriage ended, you can provide the facts. Lastly, YOU ARE …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 01:46 AM
2

Cheating absolutely ends marriages. If you wanna dig deeper and say there were communication issues, you'd be right too, as in, the cheater decided not to communicate. And before you say "most people who cheat do so because they've communicated and their partner didn't listen", communication is not just saying things. It's ensuring what you're trying to communicate is understood in the way you meant it. If you didn't achieve this, you didn't communicate.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 01:39 AM
2

Depends on where you are. Where I'm from, courts generally don't like to disrupt the lives of the children. They also tend to not interfere if the parents have agreed on a plan. But all of that was moot for me since I settled out of court. It was agreed between me and my ex, I attribute my custody "win" to the affair fog, as she was hyper focused on her "new life" that she just wanted things to not just be smooth, but fast. So she voluntarily relinquished things that people wouldn't under normal…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 05:16 AM
4

Because the cheater will have their eyes on turning their affair legit. At this stage, nothing is more important than their new relationship. So they tend to want to let go of a lot of their old relationship. This happened to me and I got custody of my kids by simply saying "if you want a new life, go get it."
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 04:55 AM
1

You know, I clicked it thinking "how bad can it be" and WOW that stuff is poisonous to society. Clearly I've insulated myself too well from these.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 10:49 PM
1

I know the feeling. It's like a weight I didn't even know I was carrying, lifted off my shoulders.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 04:14 AM
8

We've had the same enlightenment you and me. Life didn't get better when we split. Life was the same, it was already good. The difference was now there wasn't an additional dependant weighing it down. When I made that realisation, all the bitterness slowly but surely melted away. Now, when I think of the life and choices my ex made and is making, I cannot for the life of me understand it. It's very clear her life was way more stable when I was around. I'm not saying I'm this amazing person, I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 03:58 AM
6

It's work. You know how you have to deal with a co-worker you don't like, but still need to get the work done? You do so through clear, professional communication, keeping the messaging concise and result oriented. Yours is now a business relationship, the business being your shared child. Sometimes, this co-worker may regress back to the old dynamic, and that's where you maintain the boundary, keep it professional, and respond based on the optimal result you want to achieve. Everything else is …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 01:19 AM
1

As someone whose ex also fell for a pig butchering scam, leading to the breakdown of the marriage, I feel you. First, please don't blame yourself for this. None of this was within your control. Not the infertility, not the choices she made. I'm assuming here the scam was also a romance scam, as a lot of pig butchering scams go. If so, then she betrayed you, and put your household in jeopardy. At this stage, you need to start thinking about yourself. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone els…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 03:03 AM
4

I think you can take it for what it is, a validation of your worth as a good partner. But there is no need for you to take action or feel like there's anything you should think about.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 01:58 PM
17

I think they show it by wanting to express that they're better off after the split. Quite often you'll hear of a recently divorced woman telling the people around her how much better off she feels. When a man does this, we know he's trying to cover up his pain. I don't think it's any different for a woman. However, I think only a small number of men do this. Others tend to retreat to lick their wounds, and only their closest friends and family know how much pain he's in. Over time, he's very hon…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 04:44 AM
-12

To be fair, there was always a chance that this could happen due to infidelity. Doesn't really matter how long ago it was, one day the betrayed could just wake up and decide enough is enough. Regardless of her shortcomings, yours was the worst of all, even if it did happen a long time ago. It might be best to start fresh.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 02:01 PM
6

So I must mention that what you currently have with your STBXW or whatever it is, may be hysterical bonding. Divorce is hard, mutual or otherwise, and it's not uncommon to have a period of heavy coupling before everything starts to fall apart again. If you're both serious about salvaging this, then counselling will be needed, and a commitment to honesty without blaming the other party. If y'all can't get over this hump, it'll be healthier to break it off and coparent. The questions you have are …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 02:49 PM
9

Actually I can understand. Dead bedroom by and large for something like 5 years. I internalised it as normal. I was so focused on the other aspects of providing for my family I shoved that part of intimacy down. I placed my own needs second. In my mind, I was doing all I could, and if she wanted intimacy, she can initiate and I'll provide it, just like I was providing everything else. Not a healthy way to live no doubt. But I've been there.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 03:30 AM
4

The unremorseful, and even the remorseful or regretful cheaters, congregate in other subs where they can get some validation for their actions. It doesn't take much validation really. So long as someone recognises that you were unhappy with your relationship, that's validation enough for some of them. Ultimately, it sounds like you're looking for the same thing, which is, sadly, a dishonest way to live. I think you don't have to take FULL responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage, but yo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 03:27 AM
6

Yea I think mine did. There was this sudden urge to make money. Like she felt like she was missing out on things due to financial security. The irony is if she had waited a year, we would've been financially peachy. But because of her actions, both of us are struggling now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:15 AM
7

I planned to keep it on until the divorce was final. But one day I saw she was no longer wearing it, so I took it off too. It's still in the drawer and I'm not sure what I'll do with it when I move. Part of me wants to melt it down if possible and make something else. Something to remind me that I had the decency to stay loyal in spite of it all. Throwing it in the bin is an option too, but it feels, meaningless doing that? I'm happy to hear suggestions.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 05:30 AM
2

That also crossed my mind.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 09:57 AM
30

Are you certain it's her friend and husband inviting her on this trip, or that there's no fourth person?
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 05:37 AM
8

Same. Separated for 3 years, divorced for 1. I find individual women attractive but never feel the need to approach or anything. I feel like whoever comes along is going to attract me based on her values more than anything else.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 07:14 AM
11

Imma be a little optimistic about this. Time and distance can force someone to reexamine their life and the decisions. It's possible that she simply arrived at a place where she recognised the hurt she wrought (we've all hurt someone). As for what you do about it? Take it at face value until she proves otherwise. Say "Thank you for being open and honest". There's no need to engage further than that.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 01:38 AM
6

While not quite at the same level as yours, I had a similar experience. My dad never stood up for me, and instead chose to be neutral and show her grace. I didn't bring this up to him but I think I will forever hold some resentment there. Just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I understand why it can feel like a second betrayal.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 10:18 PM
8

Brother every detail here could also be used to describe my situation (except the 6 figure salary). But here we are, at peace and content.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 05:02 AM
5

I do wonder if this is a widespread phenomenon of those of us here just happened to pick the same kind of women. I learned today that my ex, who got into debt (which is part of the reason for us splitting), is now streaming for money. Apparently it's for "singing" on stream, and I'm left to wonder what happened to the woman I married. It's a strange place to be in for sure. Is my picker broken? Or is there something bigger at play here? Either way, we moved forward. We find the pride in ourselve…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 07:57 AM
6

You take it one step at a time, maybe even one day at a time. Now you watch out for yourself and your kids. Your ex made her bed so let her lay in it. What happened doesn't reflect anything on how you were as a husband or father. You recognise that it is normal to not be ok in this situation. It's ok to be sad, angry, and feeling like it's unfair. Overall, take care of yourself. Celebrate your victories. The first victory is that you are a faithful man. Reward yourself for that. Then, make sure …
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 12:55 AM
3

Let's make this a sharing thread :) Mine went through a down period. I asked if there's anything I can do for her, she told me to give her space as she worked things through. On D Day she accused me of neglecting her "I was lying here depressed and you ignored me!" Ok lady, whatever suits your narrative.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 05:02 AM
4

I read a bit of your story. I just want to say this isn't your fault. It's possible to do everything right and still lose. Your STBXW's words to you were heinous and heartless. You will make it brother.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 09:46 AM
3

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for, if you're looking to validate your suffering, or looking for someone to tell you the answer. Usually, for these kinds of posts, I will take the information with a grain of salt, because everyone is the hero of their own story. You've painted your husband as a monster, but there's no way to tell if it's exaggerated or not. He's not here to defend himself, and I'm not about to shit on a man who had to face his mortality earlier than most. The ke…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:32 AM
2

I think you moving to Seattle should be unrelated to him, no matter how you might feel. Move to Seattle is that is a good choice for you. If you do make the choice to move (for your own reasons not for him), then maybe you can look into reconciling. As for his position, it's very hard to say. It was only a short while after he moved that he reached out. Maybe Seattle wasn't all that cracked up to be, maybe he's lonely there because he's had to start over, so he reached out to the one person in r…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 02:52 PM
2

Sooo presumably both of you were married when you started this affair, you say his wife was ok with it, but was your ex husband ok with yours? Edit: He wasn't. You know who should come into this forum? Your ex husband. Edit: Is this the same guy from three months ago who bought a new house with his wife, while also hoodwinking you about polyamory, and you got rightly slaughtered in the poly sub?
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:27 AM
15

Consider if this were a business agreement. One party is telling the other they have to take on all the liability, even though both companies are of equal size, with an equal investment in the merger. It makes it sound like one company is being forced to become a subsidiary and therefore is demanding compensation in the event of the dissolution of the agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 03:24 AM
3

Your post is filled with 'I' statements, which is good, and avoids an accusatory tone. The initial infidelity reveal was short and sweet and didn't sound emotional. There is so much self reflection in the content, and includes an affirmation for others going through the same thing. Overall I do think this is a perfectly good thing to post. However... Do consider if your ex will take this poorly and if it will lead to further strife down the line, especially pertaining to the children. You gotta …
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 08:32 AM
1

It's a common term among the subs where people recovering from infidelity use, and I am, fortunately or unfortunately, part of that group. It describes the behaviour of betrayed who go looking for things they know will cause them pain. The reason is an irrational one. In order to validate the pain we feel, we go looking for it, because the only way we know how to validate the pain is to feel it. Actions include, like OP, asking for unnecessary details, or doomscrolling the ex's social media and …
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 10:59 AM
4

My take is that you're not looking for closure, you're looking to catch her in a lie. You're pain shopping. One of two things can happen. One, you catch her, making you even more angry at the situation and her actions. Two, she was telling the truth, and now you're left looking like a fool who went looking for pain, and didn't even find it. Neither of these are positive outcomes imo.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 08:15 AM
7

I need you to reframe your thinking. Whether she deserves better or not is beside the point. YOU deserve better. You deserve someone who won't take you for granted. Someone who will show appreciation when you toiled for 4 years taking care of everything. Someone who will see your value. Someone who will choose what is right and not what is easy. Someone who will choose you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 08:32 AM
15

So first, I need you to decouple your perceived flaws as a husband, from your partner's choices and actions. When it comes to affairs, emotional or otherwise, it's always a choice, not a mistake. Many factors may have contributed to them making said choice, but it's still a choice and a series of actions the person takes. In doing so, they chose to ignore the person they were committed to, in favour of their own personal gratification. In those moments, they put themselves first. Now putting you…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 04:32 AM
5

She's setting the foundation for a road out. But there's no way to know if she will ever finish paving this path. Don't allow that hope to latch on. Focus on what you have NOW, rather than what might or might not be in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 04:35 AM
7

Keep your co-parenting relationship strictly professional. You don't have to be standoffish, but you don't have to be friends either. When she said what she said, it might have been an innocent attempt to maintain some sort of friendship, because sharing those kinds of details is what friends do. Alternatively, it could also be vindictive, there's no way to know. So the only way forward is to maintain this as a business relationship, stay professional, and focus on the kids. You don't have to st…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 06:35 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter