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krazykanuck Archive

View 0 posts and 419 comments by krazykanuck on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

It is a funny feeling. Also, i think as an honest critique, a symptom of a lot of problems that we grow blind to in relationships. It’s healthy to maintain friendships that are independent of your relationship. Its good to have a sense of self that isnt tied to another person (it can be enhanced by it). Truly, a lot of “work” post divorce is rediscovery of you have become and who you want to become.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 06:40 PM
3

Just to prepare you, there is a very good chance she knows the path she wants to take. Just be prepared for her to either be further down a path one way or the other.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 06:48 AM
2

Its not that i would disagree (the quickest way to get over a woman is to get under another). It’s more about not getting into another relationship. A lot of guys fool themselves and end up with the next person they are with.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 01:20 AM
3

Mate, i say this with your best interest in mind, wake the fuck up. Re-read what you wrote but pretend you aren’t you. Pretend you are reading it about your best friend describing his situation. You are in for a world of pain if you entertain this foolishness.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 07:56 PM
4

Dont worry about labels, just stick to the facts. But if it helps you, yes you were. She sounds like a sociopath.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:32 PM
2

Most important, making sure he knows he is not alone and has someone he can lean on. That means different things for different people and it shifts as the process moves forward. Sometimes they may need a cheer up. Sometimes just an ear and someone to be in their corner. Sometimes it’s extra hands to move things.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 03:03 PM
8

It was GOING to happen. The speed of which it did for sure sucks, but, also shows you who she really was. Focus on that and be thankful for her showing you that.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 06:39 PM
2

If it helps, try to reframe it a bit. You have reasons i assume. These are moat likely important to you and well thought out. When the time comes and the confrontations start, be calm, understand they are processing their own emotions, stick to your reasons and leave space for them. Dont react emotionally to their emotional reactions. Know its just temporary.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 06:31 PM
17

Good shit, but some food for thought. Compare what your ex wife WAS like at the beginning of your relationship vs these dates now. People are on their best behaviour in the beginning. Also, try not to think of it as “i was or wasnt the problem”. Instead, shift it to “what warning signs did i miss”, and “what type of person am i attracted to and is that good for me”.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 02:58 PM
4

It sounds like for you, healing might be finding a life worth living for yourself. Your first sentence is all about someone else. Make it about you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 01:39 AM
2

It's grieving someone who still lives.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 11:11 PM
2

brother, you're not alone, truly. The cruel joke about the whole situation is the person you want to talk to most about it, is the one causing it. I know you are seeking answers from her, trying to piece meaning in actions and words, but you should really step back. Stop trying to make sense of it. Feel the hurt/pain, and process it. FUCKING PROCESS the shit out of it. Don't drink or do drugs, but get through those emotions. Then talk to other people that aren't her. Rebuild those relationships.…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 10:05 PM
1

Jesus dude. I wish you could read this from a perspective that isnt yours. Like as if it was a very good friend of yours saying all the shit she is doing to him, then him saying “i still see room for us to reconcile and try again”.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 05:10 PM
3

Food for thought; I'm sure after the first marriage you probably had similar thoughts. It may be worth it for you in the long run, to spend some time single and really figure out what attracted you to the last two wives. Maybe you ignored some red flags early. Maybe your desire to have "female companionship" overrode some important mechanisms. But, in the end, it is your life.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 08:46 PM
1

It's kind of funny, there is an old adage about being negative vs being positive. When you ask yourself a question, your subconscious will answer it for you. I.e., If you ask yourself "why am I so stupid", your brain will tell you why. Same situation but you instead as yourself "how can I improve next time", you will get a vastly different answer. I think AI is a reflection of this. If people are asking it in a way that frames the relationship as the problem, or that their partner does this that…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 05:12 PM
2

Truly, what you do with your pictures, momento's, etc. is no ones business but yours. If you want to know if you SHOULD keep them, ask yourself honest, hard questions about how they actually make you feel and if that's healthy. Maybe it's fine, or maybe it's you holding on to the past in some way. Fear of moving on is hard to get over.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 03:24 AM
8

I know it's hard, but try not to judge others when you haven't been in their shoes. Everyone processes, displays, deals with things differently. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt. The percieved strength or weakness of someone elses, doesn't change what you went through and experienced.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 01:22 AM
2

That is bang on. Truly, getting to the space mentally where you are free from someone affecting your emotions allows you to realize how ridiculous even arguing with them is.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 03:49 PM
13

Good reminder that it’s more about you than them when you greywall/greyrock. Your sanity. Rewiring your brain. Your peace. Well done.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 09:38 PM
4

I understand why you are looking for backup, but the REAL power will come when you realize you can be your OWN backup. Be enough for yourself. If you feel like you were treated badly, that should be everything you need for yourself to know.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:38 PM
3

This is where ive spent a lot of my therapy, asking this question. Why did i pick her and others like her before. Why did i make excuses for her over and over again.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 05:34 PM
1

it's not NOTHING, at the very least it's bad karma. If you go looking for married women, you may need to look in the mirror and ask some questions. If they know you, that's when morals start to play into things. That's dirt bag behaviour.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 04:27 AM
4

I don’t want to get mixed up in other peoples bullshit. It’s more about not inviting that bs into my life versus moral obligation. As someone else mentioned, the moral obligation is on the married person.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 01:01 AM
11

From a practical standpoint, not having to see the affair partner is one great reason. Secondly, it shows at best a questionable decision making process by the instructor. At worse, if things go sideways with his wife and the affair partner, his daughter could be in danger.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 04:19 PM
13

fool me once... i dated a women like this, bad news man. Here's a very hard pill to swollow; you are allowing it to happen, and by that I mean you are letting her walk all over you and are just picking up the pieces. So try this; re-ask the question but frame it about you. "Why do I continue to live/support this person?" "Why do I let this continue to happen to me without standing up to her?", etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 01:45 AM
2

A BIG thing for me was understanding why i choose her in the first place and why i stayed as long as i did. Some very honest reflection and hard truths i had to accept. I always knew i was attracted to “broken birds” but didnt understand fully why this was a bad thing and why i was in the first place. Truly, sometimes working on yourself is digging in deep to the uncomfortable places and figuring out why you ended up where you did.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 03:29 PM
5

I have multiple friends who’ve had it done and say it wasnt that bad. Plus they now have piece of mind.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 02:50 PM
1

I mean, you stated what she says and thinks, but not what you really think? Is it true, or partially true? If it is, maybe she has a reason to be nervous? Truly, sounds like you want her to not be stressed but are not creating a situation where that is possible.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 09:33 PM
2

I understand your dilemma. What about in 3 years when another man moves in with her?
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 02:54 PM
5

Tips? It’s heartache. Dont try to understand, just accept. I dont mean that lightly. Ive seen many guys on here struggle trying to understand why she left, what could have gone differently, parsing her words and actions etc. Dont. There will be time to reflect after. Right now you just fucking feel the grief, but work towards accepting it. Also, don’t smoke/drink the pain away. We all had one or two nights, but dont make it a thing. Do things for yourself. Things that make you happy. Is there so…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 11:41 PM
2

What does that mean to you?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 07:14 PM
3

it's hard and it should be hard. You are going against your own wiring. Sometimes it does help to take a step back and try to look at it from the bigger picture.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 07:00 PM
5

I know it’s hard to see the forrest for the tree right now. No you aren’t wrong, and by a laughable amount. Truly, more than anything, this should show you who she is (or has become). But ironically, you having to ask shows how in the weeds you still are.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 06:06 PM
20

Sounds like she did you a favour by outing herself to you man.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 08:38 PM
2

Well, it’s obvious you love him and care deeply about him. It’s also obvious you are the disciplinarian and most likely tough to live with (in his eyes). Unfortunately you have an ex who isnt even remotely on the same page as you and that means you either lose time with your son, or turn into a someone he wants to be around. That probably means not pushing him anymore, not getting on his case about school or questioning his decisions. It also means thinking of things he wants to do and doing the…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 10:45 PM
6

Here’s the thing, the “magic” doesn’t exist without keeping things going. That requires 2 things; both people are willing and both people follow through with the work needed. Sometimes that means rebuilding attraction. Sometimes it’s finding romance or spicing things up. Finding that fuck yes energy instead of a transaction. But again, both people need to be willing AND do the work. Because i guarantee you, it wont be a switch you can just turn on. The attraction of something new is HUGE. You ar…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:43 PM
5

Fair enough. Observational pet peeve, it get it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 08:17 PM
15

People are hurting and they are looking for common ground with others so they dont feel alone. Empathy man.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:10 PM
3

Just something to consider; you are important. That may sound obvious, it sounds like you are missing the bigger picture with some of your decisions. YOU, the physical person, is important. I want you to reconsider your situation as if it wasnt you, but your closest friend or family member. Maybe you have a son or daughter. Pretend it’s them going through this (as hard as it is to consider). You see them burning themselves out without considering themselves first. How would that make you feel to…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 11:57 PM
5

I usually set my phone to do not disturb while on a date and leave it in my pocket unless im doing something related to the date
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 11:23 PM
0

My advice is always to seek therapy first. It can truly help you both understand if this is salvageable or not. Key is to be honest during the process. Its not about winning, it’s about resolution, whether that is reconciliation or dissolution.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 06:17 PM
2

Fuuuck. I feel you. One way to frame it is “shes his problem now!!” It gets better. Remember the chaos and use it as a reminder when dating again. If they bring the same chaos, move on.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 08:01 PM
4

I know you were being rhetorical, but yes, you can. You can make a decision to remove yourself, to disengage. You have power here as well. Stop being passive and start making a plan where you no longer have to deal with these emotional blows.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 05:32 PM
4

Listen to how you are talking man. “I stand by MY marriage”. Marriage is between 2 people. 1 of them wants out. THE marriage is ending. You are being really weird about it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 10:54 PM
16

Then don't? Take control of your own life and decisions and do what is best for you man. If you don't enjoy casual sex and prefer to build a bond with someone first, then do that. This is what I prefer. Some of the women I've seen I decided I didn't want to get into a physical relationship with because I didn't see it going anywhere. I prefer to have sex with someone I have an emotional bond with. I don't enjoy casual sex, so I don't do it. I'm trying to be understanding here, but you sound like…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:52 PM
8

about a month in I had myself a real REAL good fucking cry. I was alone (with my dog), I just let it all fucking go. I even put on some music that fucking gets me just to lean into it. It was cathartic. You feel like yelling? Yell into the void somewhere (where you won't have the cops called on you lol). Just fucking do something for the release. If you gotta do it more than once, do it. It will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:55 PM
1

Dont forget to give the same to yourself. We can be the harshest and n ourselves.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 10:56 PM
6

Its a good point. Also a good reason to try to treat others with grace and respect. You never know the shit they may be going through.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 09:24 PM
4

Ah, i see what you are asking more clearly. I think i would reverse it back on you a bit; if i WERE to FIND someone i was interested in being married to again, i would absolutely invest as much in making that work as possible with the assumption my wife would do the same.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 08:45 PM
1

What do you mean by “would you invest more…”? I dont understand.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:21 PM
2

You’re going to spend a lot of time, energy and effort trying to understand why. There is nothing i can say that will stop this. I am going to still say it to help you once you finally get past it. It doesn’t matter why in the end. It MAY bring a crumb of understanding, but it will just torture you to try to figure it all out. Instead focus on you and grieving. Treat it like someone died, and the someone is t her, but the embodiment of your marriage. I say this because it gives something akin to…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:48 PM
1

It’s kind of addictive after a while. It just takes time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:13 AM
1

Man, you may be right, but life is a giant grey mass. People are just people-ing. Friends deserve grace a second chances.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 03:22 AM
-2

I get it man, its hard not to frame this from your side. Im not saying your buddy is t being insensitive, but hes also trying to think about his new bride. Shit sitch for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 03:21 AM
-4

Homie, the wedding is probably mostly for his wife. He was probably asked to ask you but to make it sound like it came from him. Regardless, if hes your friend, be a friend and do what he is asking. If you have true concerns, lay it out for him honestly.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 01:46 AM
3

fair, i don't know the situation. But you did cut it off RIGHT after that conversation. Did she say no more?
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 11:08 PM
1

No, but its because she is my ex now, not “soon to be”. I did up until the end, it’s how I’m wired.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 10:03 PM
13

For fucking sure dude, that is the lesson and a GREAT one. Side note though; you may have some issues you need to dig into here. I understand it stung to hear what she said, but it didn't have to. Sometimes you gotta role with critisism. Don't take it as knock against yourself or your manhood. If she wants things to last longer, spend more time on foreplay etc. Hell, get some pills and go multiple times. ABSOLUTELY she should have been forthright in communicating things to you, but when she did,…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 09:34 PM
4

I stay away from younger women because im not looking to provide security, im looking for a partner. Someone with life experience. Someone i can relate to. Of course the dynamic you describe exists, but i dont think its as common as you think. Looking at it another way; do you really want to be with a man who is seeking that?
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 12:52 AM
1

100% dude. Was for sure a generalization. Just saying be mindful, as it's not just about maturity but where you are in life. mid 20's you don't know what you want yet, maybe you'll move for a job, travel, whatever. 30's you are pretty set on things like career etc, but maybe you're thinking family or next steps. Something to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 10:33 PM
1

25-29, you be aware of where YOU were in life back then vs where you are now. If that's what you are looking for, fine, fill your boots. It's been my experience that younger women come with younger women problems. They also have a lot of growing to do, just like you did at that age. Food for thought.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 10:19 PM
-1

"We had some dumb argument over finances" I think this is third or forth most common reason for divorce. Maybe something that isn't as important to you is very important to her. Finances represent freedom, future, dreams.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 03:52 PM
11

My buddy who grew up with divorced parents had separate life milestone celebrations. Birthday's, Christmas's, etc. It just involved coordination but everyone was happier keeping things separate.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 06:15 PM
4

what does the ring represent to you? I know the obvious answer, but there is a personal aspect to it as well. Only you can decide based on what it means to you and your current situation, everyone will be different. As far as the weirdness of not wearing it, there will be many moments like that. Some funny, some devastating. Just ride each like a wave and you'll get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 07:49 PM
1

Broooother. As much as the 19th century nihilism can be 'fun' to explore, take a pause, have a snickers. You live in one of the greatest periods ever. You have the ability to move to any city you want. Yes it would involve making some tough decisions, but it also doesn't have to be permanent. You can also travel if you want. You can fucking buy an arcade cabinet and stick it in your bedroom if you want (don't though cause you'd have to unplug it each night which would be a pain in the ass). Don'…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 05:57 PM
1

bit distilled and missing a lot of nuance. Not exactly untrue either.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 04:09 PM
19

I want you to re-read what you wrote but pretend it was written by someone you don't know. Particularly i want you to focus on two things: "I gotta admit it triggered me. Today I am realizing that maybe her need to replace me as the man in her life is more important than who this guy actually is" and "But I will say in our 27 year relationship I often felt like an accessory for her, like a handbag or a pair of shoes, just a box to check. Kinda feel like she treats the kids the same way." Does th…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 09:26 PM
14

One session i got upset during the session and really poured out my feelings. My voice raised since i was emotional. After i was done she looked visibly worried like i was yelling. She turned to our therapist and said “see, he gets mad and yells”. My therapist defended me seeing i wasnt angry and was just hurt. It defused her and she got quiet. I thought i had been heard by her but in the car she was still quiet. She finally turned to me and said “you just did that so you could win”. I was floor…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:21 AM
39

I say this with legit love; wake the fuck up man. "Our anniversary was 2 days ago. Of course I simped out and got her a card and some roses despite all of the disrespect she consistently gives me during every encounter we have (must communicate as coparents). I didn't even get a thank you text smh. I guess this is my life." Why the fuck would you send her flowers and a card for your anniversary? "Hey remember the life we used to have that you don't want anymore? Here is some stuff to make you re…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 07:18 PM
7

Whole heartedly agree. I did not intend to present my point to negate yours, so i apologize. I merely meant it to augment and help men understand where they can make changes/take some power back. You are correct on all accounts and your main point is extremely valid.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 04:47 PM
20

There needs to be some accountability on our end as well. I should have left WAY sooner. I shouldn't have married her in the first place to be honest. I didn't see past the red flags because I loved her, and that's not good enough. For all the talk about women being the romantics, I think men are actually the hopeless romantics when it comes down to it. We think that any problem we have can be solved because they are our family, but that's not the truth. It's not like one day she decided to not …
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 04:13 AM
8

covid ruined a lot of marriages.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 03:40 PM
11

It's kind of on both sides of things. People don't check in on men because they are so used to not doing so. We also don't ask for help or let people know when we are struggling. You even said it yourself, you aren't telling people until things are done.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 02:09 PM
2

For sure. I think when going through a separation you can define/agree to parameters up front. Things like fidelity, location, intention can all be discussed. If someone just wants a year off to get some strange, than ya, whats the point. If there has been a protracted time of anxiety and suffering and someone wants perspective and space to think (or both want) without making a legal decision, maybe it makes sense. Often, where i am, the separation is the dissolution of the marriage and after th…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 08:25 PM
2

Im speculating; to help weed out rash decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 06:46 PM
5

In some places its a legal requirement to be separated for a period of time before you can file.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 05:50 PM
2

It wont make it worse. You dont sign anything without lawyer representation, period.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:47 AM
2

Think long term buddy, this shall pass, you will get through this. If you aren't ready until after you speak with your lawyer, than you aren't ready until after you speak with your lawyer. Kids are resilient and time will make things right with them. Breath.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:30 AM
1

Paper trails. If you can prove things and have a halfway decent lawyer you might be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 09:36 PM
7

some honest reflection, and sounds like you are making corrections.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 02:23 AM
8

"I just want a guy to save me!" From your fucking self? That's Darwin level fucked in the head man.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 06:19 PM
2

I get it dude, but what would have been more important; her getting the kids to call you, or you talking to your kids? Because if you guys are rocky, why would she get the kids to call, that would mean she is thinking about you. If the most important thing was talking to your kids, then take the initiative and call them or set up the call yourself?
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 02:33 AM
1

my friend, have patience. I'm still working away too. One thing from therapy that helped me was an exercise where my therapist got me to visualize myself from the outside, as if i was sitting there in front of myself in a chair. Then we talked about what I would do/say to myself, like I was a friend and not really me. It VASTLY changed how I viewed things as I wasn't NEARLY as kind to myself or did I stick up for myself.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:52 AM
16

You can reframe it this way; “i was a coward and didnt want to communicate with my partner. Instead i plotted while continuing to give them a false sense of security. Im selfish and a liar and i did my partner a favour by showing my real colours to them, albeit in a very shitty way”
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 04:15 PM
5

I'm going to ask you a very tough question, but I'm asking in the hopes that it helps you and others in the future; why didn't you see these red flags earlier and/or why didn't you act on them? I'm not looking for you to respond, because you need to actually think about the answer. Don't knee jerk respond with an excuse, examine it and figure out why so that you can not repeat this mistake in the future. Don't blame her for being flawed (because it sounds like she was incredibly flawed). I'm als…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 02:47 PM
2

yup, that can absolutely be part of the dynamic, as it was for me. See a beautiful woman who needs to be "saved". Have a read, I think you'll appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 10:59 PM
13

Read No More Mister Nice guy if you haven’t. There is a section where it talks about men who go for “broken birds”. It really spoke to me. Spend some time trying to understand truly why you ignored those red flags.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 04:51 PM
5

a good start is read the side bar for the sub, it has a tone of info.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 03:45 PM
3

Both lawyers will ask for financial disclosures. You’ll gather all your finances, specifically what you had going into the marriage and what you have at the end of the marriage. If things were purchased during the marriage, thats 100% shared. If you owned it before, then you take the value of it when you got married and that is yours, and any appreciation is shared. Liabilities are treated the same. Then they put it in their spreadsheets and argue over the details and estimates. At this point a …
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/25 11:55 PM
2

Picture the best day ever, then do that. Fucking why not?!
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 03:56 PM
3

Small but important detail my friend, you need to own your own feelings. Yes her actions played a role, but they are your feelings. If you blame others for your emotions then you don't take accountability for them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 02:26 PM
3

That's heavy shit! You're on the other side now man and you're asking the right questions. "I don't think she knows what love is. I guess I probably don't either if I have stayed this fucking long. There's just no way I'm not a codependent." This is raw, and real, and you need to keep going. Something I've been working on is the fear I will make the same mistakes again and again. My therapist has been helping but it's really about trusting I will have my own back. That I will be the friend that …
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 05:56 PM
12

Some harsh words for you, but you may need to hear them. You need to stop acting so stupid around your ex. You are fucking engaged and you are "letting feelings about a possible reconciliation" enter your head?!?!?! The actual fuck dude. Flip the script and she's the piece of shit, but in this case you are. Get your head out of your ass and stop creating situations where "Drama" happens. You say "I know", but do you really? It's for your own good man. If you want to find happiness, stop sabotagi…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 10:23 PM
2

Are you happy? Have you honestly tried everything? It kind of comes down to those two questions in my opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 06:20 PM
5

Maybe switch up the language a bit here. Maybe instead of "Do you blame yourself?", instead ask "Why didn't I have my own back here and listen to the red flags?". Try to examine your past relationships through that lens. I bet you forgave a BUNCH of smaller incidents leading up to the cheating. I bet on multiple occasions your gut was telling you something wasn't right. I bet you made excuses for her. Don't beat yourself up, be a better friend to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 04:27 PM
4

Legit sounds like you did exactly what you wrote; buried your feelings instead of deal with them. As lame as it may sound, you need to deal with them. You need to sit in them and process them. It's going to suuuuuuck. You are going to feel weak, confused, angry, sad. But you need to confront them and get through them, not ignore them. Chances are you are feeling that shit about what you lost in the marriage, not the actual person. Also, don't compare your brand new relationship with your marriag…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 09:03 PM
2

She did you a favour in a way. No more doubt left. Clear road ahead my friend
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 04:16 AM
1

You got a lot going on there. It’s Hard to break codependency, but possible. However, may i suggest this first; couples therapy. Spend the energy now working on yourself codependency. Stop trying to get your wife to do things, shes her own person and makes her own decisions. You said your piece, now focus on being a better you. Be a supporter husband while you are still in the relationship. MAYBE she will start to turn things around maybe she wont, but i can tell you arguing a out it wont help s…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/25 11:57 PM
3

If your best friend has n the whole world was going through what you are currently, what would you say or do for them?
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/25 03:13 PM
2

Look at it this way; now you know. You had doubts the first time and needed to know if you could make it work. It didn’t. If you hadn’t given it a second try, maybe you would have always wondered.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 09:22 PM
3

Agree whole heartedly. Would be nice if we could gather up best practices when seeking a family lawyer, do's and don'ts, etc. It's such a costly decision who you hire, and emotions are very high as well. I am not in Texas unfortunately, I'm all the way up in Canada.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 06:28 PM
4

Im just trying to leave a counter point up for people. Dont take it as a personal attack but as more information for other men going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 01:49 PM
9

I loved my lawyer and worked well with them. They fought for me and gave great advice when i requested it. I hired them based of a recommendation and i gather that’s how they get a lot of their clients. At the end of the day they work for you so you need to read and understand the paper work so you can make informed decisions. Also remember they aren’t your therapist or friend so keep things on target and don’t vent to them etc.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 04:32 AM
14

She's doing one of the things that lead to you getting divorced... and that bothers you? In a way, shouldn't that just reinforce you made the right decision? Truly think about what you are saying/thinking here. Was she supposed to have changed? More importantly, it kind of sounds like you aren't prioritizing yourself at all here. That or you are a bit of a glass is half empty kind of person (no offence, i don't know you obviously). If you are burnt out from perceived sacrifices, then you need to…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 01:20 PM
3

I see the attraction but am not attracted to.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 05:32 PM
5

You write well. Just side note. Consider this; she both "simply decided not to walk with you anymore" and at the same time, you painted a picture of a long and drawn out separation. This wasn't a sudden decision. If you dismiss the weird ceremony and importance we put on the word marriage, it boils down to a relationship between two people. A relationship is somewhat like a separate entity in and of itself. It has ups and downs and twists and turns. Most end, like 99% when you consider every typ…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 03:43 PM
3

You said province, so if that means canada, you don’t need any specific paper work to be considered separated. There are legal documents you can (and should) have completed but they dont affect the actual date of separation. You may want to double check your facts before making any moves.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 06:23 AM
7

Simultaneously so shitty yet so vindicating I'm sure. What a world my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 12:01 AM
5

It takes some of us a long time to come to that level of honesty with ourselves. Well done and thank you for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 04:13 PM
9

Your question doesnt match your title. If the mom asked the dad “would you like to spend more time with your kids?” And they responded no, thats different. The situation you outlined sounds more like a single mom expecting her ex to drop everything to accommodate her, not the kids. Dont conflate the two things
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 09:54 PM
7

Moved from the city to the country and bought a big beautiful house and land for her equines (never marry a horse girl). She grew more and more distant, blamed me for various things, and now that she's gone i couldn't be happier.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 03:33 PM
1

I promise it will get better. It will take time, and it's different for everyone, but it will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 03:35 AM
1

Know it’s temporary, the pain. Truly. Things that helped for me, in no particular order: exercise, walking outside, meditation (i like the app 1 giant mind, its free), therapy, my pets, forgiving myself, forgiving her, time. I think a big thing for you will be to not dwell on what was (the sacrifices, etc) and to accept them as what happened, learn from it, and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 02:13 AM
6

My social media algo is on some much darker yet funnier shit. Just start interacting with other posts and ignore the lame ones.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 02:03 PM
6

You just said “let’s go to war”. Take 15 and just breathe man. Maybe you aren’t mad at the email but something in you just broke. Seriously, take some time to process what is happening and what it really means. Not to get mad, but to truly understand.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 04:38 AM
8

Couple things: If the lawyer is telling you about counselling, you may not realize how you are coming off. Their job isn't that side of things. They work for you. This isn't their show, it's your show. You pay them to be a killer but ultimately you make the calls. If you feel your meeting lacked strategy or support, bring up your concerns. Ask them what their strategy is. Tell them you are nervous about the process and would like some insight. If you don't like what you hear, seek other counsel.…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 05:32 PM
3

Im not sure you are taking what your therapist is saying to heart, you’re only half way there. Find your joy. They mean find the things that make you feel happy that you can be in control of. Imagine you were helping a friend out who was going through what you are going through, really sit there and picture it. What would you do for them? What would you say? Now do that exact same thing for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 08:24 PM
11

You truly want her back? Let her go completely and focus on yourself. Completely, no contact. I also suggest reading “no more mister nice guy”. I know the place you are in and you feel like there is a glimmer of hope. Im telling you, that is what will cause you more grief than you realize. Let her go, fully. Wish her well, then start your new life. It’s the only way to heal.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 04:28 PM
2

Thats a good addition, very important. It’s a skill to process emotions that 99% of men dont have. We want to figure shit out and often beat ourselves up in the process, or, get super angry at others. Just got to let them happen without force, dont focus on the why, then when you are clearer headed, focus on improvement.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 12:39 AM
4

I don't understand how she thinks she's involved? That's the most brutal part about that. None of it has anything to do with her anymore. Even IF you were doing what she said you are, how the fuck does she factor into it. Regardless, yes a lot of us experience this to some degree. When I was still married and having issues, it was obvious her daddy issues were a bit part of our situation then too. The sad truth is there is nothing you can do, they have to recognize it themselves which is to say,…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 07:30 PM
8

You’re not going to like this but you gotta sit in those feelings when they happen. Its the only way to process them and move on. And yes, you will feel like a pussy haha.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 08:10 PM
6

Of course it has, but you are asking in a divorce subreddit dude. By definition it hasnt worked for those here.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 06:48 PM
1

Have you tried therapy? You’re experiencing a tremendous amount of stress and it’s your brain trying to manage it/make sense of it. If you broke your leg you’d go to the doctor. Go talk to someone who knows what they are doing.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 04:57 PM
8

seems like insecurity to me. Hopefully she smartens up but i doubt it. Just stay the course my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 03:13 AM
2

I'm going to be honest with you, but this is only based on what you've written so take that for what it is; I can see her point. People can be anxious in situations they are unfamiliar with, and when you add on the context of divorce, you STBXW is probably worried about signing anything that will come back to hurt her. It sounds like you feel much more comfortable in this situation then she does, and maybe because of that you are putting some pressure on her as you see it as "standard" where as …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 02:28 PM
8

no, let her throw her tantrum and let your attorney do their job.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 04:16 AM
17

not for nothing, but you don't plan vacations with people you just met.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 03:06 PM
8

You're highlighting the biggest kick in the nuts a lot of guys feel when getting blindsided; the person you would normally go to for support here is the one who is doing the blindsiding. My suggestion is to spend some time reading this sub. There are SO many stories you will relate to. It helps to not feel alone. Also, try to read through some of the advice in those posts. For what it's worth, if you have family you are close with, or good friends (especially if they have been through this), lea…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 05:59 PM
3

Good start; now extrapolate that to what that really should mean to you. To be the best dad you have ever been means taking care of yourself, first. You need to fully digest that and understand it as a core tenant. Be a shining example of a human being to your kids by being the best person you can be to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 08:07 PM
5

It's like funeral for the life you thought you were going to have. But, you are at a cross-roads; you can ask yourself 1 of two questions. Why is this happening to me? What can I do to make the next phase of my life better?
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 06:12 PM
3

how old is your son? Can you ask him to facetime her in another room?
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 10:02 PM
2

I getcha, that suuucks then. Hands were tied situation. I see a lot of guys come on here and they keep repeating the same mistakes and not realizing it. Your ex sounds like she's trying to bait you to make mistakes, then acts innocent. Fun to deal with I'm sure.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 04:18 AM
1

That wasn't clear so I apologize if my advice was based incorrectly. It sounded like you got "bit" by her, then she said she wouldn't do it again, then did it again. Again, my bad.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 03:48 AM
19

Read "No More Mister Nice Guy". Time to take control of your own loneliness. You are the one who can and should make friends/plans/have hobbies. You are the one who needs to cure your own loneliness. The book may actually save your marriage to be honest.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 02:44 AM
5

Take this for what it is, advice. You have given her power over you. Anything she does is on you, not her. You can’t control other people, nor should you try. You arent in a relationship with her anymore, so if you are allowing her to have power over you by hold a car in your name, then either deal with the consequences as they come or change the situation. Stop making excuses for her. And stop blaming her when you made the decision to allow this to continue.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 01:50 AM
4

The amazing thing was that she couldn't understand why I was upset. THAT fucked me up for a bit, it felt like I was peering into a parallel universe. ain't that the fucking truth
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 08:53 PM
13

Brother i've read though some of your responses and honestly, you are light years ahead here. Keep on the path. Lot's of good resources on this sub to read through. I found a LOT reading other's experiences was very cathartic for me. Made me feel like this is more of a normal experience, and that I can get through it. Biggest tip I can give based on your post is stop trying to divine what she means, or what's she thinking or make ANY sense of anything from her side of things. Seriously. I feel l…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 08:43 PM
12

When you can, I want you to try something. I want you to visualize your best friend or a close relative telling you the following: back in january she admitted to having an affair. We decided to stay together and work on things but this past weekend she came to me and said she was done. I feel like i let her down as a husband and cant imagine ever being with anyone else ever again. Really let that sink in. You understand that your friend/relative isn't perfect and made mistake in their relations…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 04:26 PM
8

The NEXT level is indifference. Being able to be honest to them without feeling things is amazing. “I appreciate you as a mother but am moving on emotionally from you as a wife. I’d like to keep things amicable but for now this is what i require and it is my boundary.”
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 07:05 PM
11

You want to know what my ex wife is up to? You'll have to ask someone else cause I have no idea, and it feels amazing!
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 05:18 PM
7

Put some feelers out in some of your local groups. "Looking for some genre specific musicians to jam with, maybe some gigs". Time to chart your new course my friend. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is you shouldn't pay much mind to the actions of others. Lamenting on them gets you nowhere. Embrace the power of being in control of your life and make shit happen.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 06:03 PM
19

Trust. Your. Gut.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 01:51 AM
3

scrub her from the records my friend. Onwards and upwards
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 03:02 PM
6

Reframe the problem in a new way. She is a stranger now. You need to start problem solving. What is your next step and how do YOU get there. Start to think a out you and stop thinking about her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 01:16 AM
7

For sure man, sounds like you did some top notch h soul searching. Absolutely one needs to reflect and find out why. But some of us beat the shit out of ourselves and self care is part of healing. Treating oneself with respect and care, feeling worth it. Forgiving yourself. Treating yourself well. All a part of the healing process. Everyone’s journey is different and everyone has to figure out their shit.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:15 AM
5

Me too buddy! Got my cert from my lawyer today! Divorce bros!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:02 AM
2

I don't know, I don't talk to her and I don't care. It will have no bearing on my life anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 01:34 PM
8

Very similar story here, so you arent alone. A few things that took me time to figure out but have helped me. Dont try to understand why she acted the way she did. It’s not helpful. Try to understand why you chose her, and then understand the red flags YOU MISSED, so that you can watch for them in the future Accept it is over, fully. Like she died. Because thats what it feels like. Any feelings you still have are for a memory of what she WAS, not who she is. Forgive yourself, treat yourself well…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 04:23 AM
3

Dont stress homie. Bitch hit like a woman. I know it sucks but not reacting was the right thing. As someone else said, think long term here. Peace and happiness on the horizon
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 10:09 PM
2

Try to reframe the question, from looking externally to considering your specific situation. Why did your marriage fail? What other issues were there? Really dig into questions like that but be honest. Once you have that info, pretend its you best friend going through what you are. Truly think of it like that. Try to unbias yourself
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 12:36 AM
4

I also assume it was a misclick. Ignore. Best case it was a mistake, worse case shes trying to contact you on n the sly and you dont want to get messed up in her shit.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 10:26 PM
11

Beyond all the stuff that is discussed to death here, i think there will always be some lingering “wtf happened” for guys in situations like yours. The “now you’re just somebody that i used to know” feeling. It’s.. surreal sometimes. I guess you could call it a lack of closure since there wasn’t a bomb event that caused the split. Things just fade.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 04:13 PM
9

To each their own, but i didn’t start dating again until i was content by myself. I spent a lot of time working on my shit (still am) and one day found i was actually happy solo. Like, i could see just being single for life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 03:10 PM
3

The best you can do is teach them empathy, but more than that, teach them how to understand themselves and how to best find someone who matches that.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 08:26 PM
5

I don't know if this is satire or not, but I laughed. Not because it's dumb, but because it's true, and that's crazy when you think about it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 08:25 PM
21

The plotting is real. I legit think because my ex had massive daddy issues she never saw me as a "team mate" and instead as an adversary that she plotted against while making it seem like things were okay. So many things make more sense after some time and a lot of reflection. It fucking sucks though, no doubt.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 04:28 PM
7

Had a similar experience. As soon as i had a personal struggle, she made it about her. Im very glad im out and moving on.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 01:25 AM
1

I was being sarcastic, in poor taste i admit.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 11:30 PM
6

Totally. It'll be hard to find someone to cheat on you again? Someone to break your heart and treat your like shit? That's your ex. That's the woman she is. Not some ideal you have in your head, that's fake.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 10:48 PM
2

Truly, that what end. If you should or not depends on the why. If there is no good reason, then the default answer is no, never.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 01:01 AM
17

Some people externalize internal feelings. They lack the ability to be honest with themselves and own their own actions and associated consequences. Maybe it’s a fragile ego, a sense of entitlement, or some sort of mental health thing. Who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 06:44 PM
5

For me a big shift was when I fully accepted it was over. That she truly didn't want to be with me and probably hadn't for some time. I pictured being with someone that I didn't really didn't want to be with, by doing so I was able to understand her actions better and then act accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 05:22 PM
8

"I can't manipulate you like I used to be able to!"
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 06:32 PM
5

Bud, this is hard lesson to learn; don't listen to what people say, pay attention to what they do. This is ESPECIALLY the case when dealing with someone who has no benefit to being truthful to you. Respond to the actions, not the words. Don't let her confuse you. This one of the reasons people grey rock.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 02:50 PM
2

It is hard man, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I think it’s why so many guys turn to anger and hate, because it’s easier to focus on the bad and really push that narrative. At the end of the day though, it’s about letting go and moving on. And it’s fucking hard.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 06:47 PM
6

This may sound harsh, but maybe it'll help too. She doesn't want you or want to be with you, but that doesn't mean someone else won't. You ex doesn't have to be some bitch all the time. Sometimes they are the best and you were happy and then shit ends and it's devastating. It's like a death of a loved one except worse, because the person you were with still exists, just like some real life ghost that haunts you. And it sounds like you're still in 'it', whatever 'it' is that we all go through in …
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 06:21 AM
2

You cleverly state the reason for your divorce without going into any details. Most people ask that question because they are trying to ascertain what YOUR function was in the divorce. If it was because of a dead bedroom, why was the bedroom dead is much more important then the fact that it died. If it's because of mismatched libido's, who's was higher/lower? If it's because of other reasons, why? Ideally when you start to date you are honest with yourself and your new partner about these things…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 10:29 PM
5

The harsh reality is; you should be celibate if you don't believe in casual sex/masturbation. I'm not saying this to be a dick, but because you are leaving yourself no other option. Be celibate and work on finding peace being alone. Re-establish friendships/hobbies/etc for that need for human interaction, but come to terms with not having intimacy. Otherwise, you will be most likely stepping into a relationship thinking with your dick and not your brain.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 10:17 PM
14

We tell ourselves ALL kinds of lies when we are living in denial don't we. If I could go back and give myself some advice that I might have listened to it would be to pay closer attention to what she says.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 07:21 PM
15

lol the BJ indicator
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 07:20 PM
6

Dude…. Take a BIG step back, i mean HUGE step back. Take this exact situation you are in, how you’re being treated and how YOU are reacting to it and close your eyes, and pretend it’s happening to your very best guy friend or relative. Truly picture them going through what you are and see them reacting how you are. How hung up they are on their ex feeling things like guilt or remorse and how much its killing them. Really sit in that and understand it. Now what would you do for them? What would y…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 10:19 PM
6

Food for thought; how much of his divorce was on him that you don't know about. You are asking this from his perspective but you are coming from a marriage that worked so YOU don't have the full picture either. Divorces leave scars that can show themself as hate (which you see a lot of on this sub), trauma/ptsd, and general trust issues. Does he blame his ex 100% or does he own his decisions and faults and is he committed to working on them? If he doesn't, then that is potentially a real red fla…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 05:56 PM
7

I’d argue it’s a symptom and not the disease.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 06:22 PM
3

Nice share bud, glad you are doing what needs to be done an seeing the results. Don't worry about being judged because you feel you may be progressing fast. Just stay the course and keep doing what is working. Sometimes it can take years, sometimes months. It is what it is, and that's all it is.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 07:32 PM
5

Something that I think a bunch of guys on here need to hear: some questions don't have answers and thinking/dwelling on them only causes pain. Questions like "why did she stop loving me", "why do these things happen to me", "why did she cheat on me", etc. etc. etc. don't have answers that are healthy to process. They are negative thoughts disguised as questions. It's important to understand mistakes and improve yourself, but you do this by asking questions like "how can I better protect myself i…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:07 PM
1

For sure. We have to be real with each other or else what are we doing here.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 03:25 PM
4

As harsh as this person is being, there is a nugget of truth here. Don't look outwards for solutions to your problems. It only leads to blame and hate. You are responsible for your own physical and mental health. It sounds like you feel tossed aside, that truly sucks. Consider this though; people don't want to be around anger, so if you are angry, you are your own worst enemy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 02:02 PM
7

Welcome bud. Walk around. Take it in. Read the stories. There will be good days, and there will be fucking awful days. Stay as even as you can. Take care of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 08:46 PM
12

I only really started turning a corner when I stopped trying to understand HER reasons. They don't matter in the end as the result is the same, and it will only torture you. Instead I started focusing on what I saw and retrospect the relationship. What I realized is she was a bad partner and I put up with a LOT over the years. Also, therapy and read No More Mister Nice guy really helped me see some of the behaviours that cause me issues that I can work on.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 07:40 PM
6

Buddy, I can tell you are in it right now, but consider this. If you reversed the roles and it was YOU who didn't communicate something to your partner for years... who's really at fault here. We are human beings, we can't read minds. A partnership NEEDS communication. It's the basis for how we function! Don't blame yourself. You obviously would have done ANYTHING for her, this is not on you. It's just going to take you a long time to figure that out.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 04:22 PM
1

Wasnt the impression i got, but i was only exposed to her briefly. Not for nothing, but i find it always helpful to get inside the mind of the people who have wronged me. Understanding reason/motive can only help. Its not to make excuses but to better prepare for the future.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:17 PM
0

Was listening to Huberman's pod and this relationship lady was on: Esther Perel. She's pretty legit. Anyways, I bring her up because one of the books she mentioned that she wrote was about cheating. I haven't read it, this is more of a if you're desperate and want to try something.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 03:33 PM
7

Buddy, take this opportunity you've been given to start a new you. See this as year 1 of the new you. Stop worrying about women and think about you. Build up a new foundation by treating yourself right, getting healthy and rediscovering things that bring you fucking joy.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 03:30 PM
4

If you want to make things work, you have to do your side of things no matter what. That's all you control, that's all that is expected of you. You have to do it in spite of whatever she does. Don't make your behaviour conditional no matter what. Look at it this way, you're building character, you are being the best you that you can be. If things don't work our, you did your best and will have many less regrets. This also means lose the resentment because it shows otherwise. Don't make "silent c…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:46 AM
8

you hold that forever buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 03:33 AM
7

The way i see it is he’s now able to move forward. Sounds like she’s processed things and he was hoping to get back together. Time to process things and start his new life better and more complete.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 05:48 PM
6

nice.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 07:13 PM
1

There may be something to be said for befriending him, if only on a surface level. If he is in proximity to your children, wouldn't it be more helpful to be closer? Let him let his guard down and maybe you catch a glimpse of the real person?
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 10:19 PM
8

Food for thought; an ally living with your ex can't be a bad thing. You don't have to like him, but if he's cool, why not.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 05:34 PM
5

If it's just debt, you start with the highest interest rate first and work down. See about debt consolidation/mitigation; i.e. call your credit cards and see about lowering interest rates (I've seen it go from 30% => 11% for small yearly fee that you can cancel when you are paid off), See out lower interest loans to pay down the high interest. Live below your means. I'm know that's a "no shit" moment, but try to shift your lens. Look at EVERYTHING you spend and see about cutting/lowering/stretch…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 02:20 AM
25

“Also, equestrian women are nuts” Fucking AMEN.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 03:32 PM
4

Grey rock buddy. Make it your mantra.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 04:56 PM
3

Something that may help, may not... start journaling what's going on. It is fresh, it is happening, you need to write it down. Write down the details. Write down how it makes you feel. Write down how much you miss your kids and how it is killing you inside. Write it ALL down. Hopefully it'll help you organize your thoughts, but it could also help in your hearing. Most of all, in the future when your kids are older... it'll help you explain to them what happened from your side.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 06:15 AM
7

Yup. One of the biggest things I took away from it (besides the constant "i do that, i do that... fuck i do that") was to take care of your own needs because it makes you a more complete person. If you have your own needs met, everything else is kinda gravy PLUS you won't make poor life choices trying to get those needs met. Also, admitting your faults to others is fucking empowering. I'm amazed how much just being honest about myself has helped me feel more comfortable with myself.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:07 AM
3

Buddy.... you don't miss HER, you are just lonely. Here's the thing, you are lonely WITH her anyways since she's obviously not there for you. Confront the loneliness, embrace yourself. Do things that make you happy. Mourn the loss of a loved one. Step through the pain, don't hide from it, or you won't get over it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:21 PM
1

I get the cynicism, i do. But life is about making the smart moves and sometimes shit turns in your favour. You dont know until you know.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 05:39 PM
18

Addendum for 4; you can also find peace alone. It is possible and even addictive. The key to it is finding out how to be your biggest advocate. It doesnt meant loneliness either. Friends, family, even strangers can provide a lot of that human contact we crave. The real funny part about this is it makes you even more attractive to potential partners. A strong independent man who knows what he wants, can meet his own needs, and wont be a drain on someone is a fucking unicorn. They also end up bein…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 05:38 PM
2

“Hey, i know we have problems, but it’s either shit or get off the pot time. Either we are working towards making this work or we are figuring out how to end it and move on. No more half in half out bs.”
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 07:34 PM
5

Big confidence boost for me was when i realized “i got my own back”. I see a red flag, i stand up for myself.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 07:32 PM
3

But it’s something. And if it’s a pattern, then maybe it’s something by more.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 07:30 PM
12

Sounds like she just documented her harassment for you
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 07:00 PM
5

Good on you bud. No matter what transpired, understand your role in how you got where you are, so that you can maybe not repeat it again. That means at the very least, why did you pick her and stay with her and what red flags did you ignore.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 06:43 PM
13

Protect yourself financially.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 05:47 PM
1

Attraction can be worked on, but both beed to commit to it. It’s not impossible to find the spark again if everything else is “okay”.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:18 PM
3

Exercise, therapy, meditation, doing fun things, being single. These are your remedies when you get out. It’ll take some time but don’t rush it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:58 PM
2

Sure, but you then presented that information to her. THAT was the act that got you the “creepy stalkerish” label. I got no skin in the game, im pointing it out because you were asked. Try and see this as a reversed role. You left and didn’t tell your ex where you went for whatever reason. Things are tense but you feel secure with your new situation. Months later during casual conversation your ex says what you said. It might give you pause. Edit: to be clear, im not saying i think it is or that…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 03:55 PM
3

And what did you hope to get out of that? One could interpret that as “i know where you live now”. You see, it’s not the fact that you looked it up, it’s the fact that you had to tell her that.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 10:20 PM
4

Sometimes you gotta call someone out; how did they find out about the google map look up? I think you are leaving out some info here and it's doing you no good. If you want to know if something is 'creepy stalker' behaviour, then be 100% honest with what happened.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:42 PM
12

It’s been almost a year. She dropped by to pick something up (planned). I made the mistake of asking her how work is. I had anxiety for 2 days after that.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:10 PM
2

Lol. Love it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:39 PM
9

What advice would you give yourself back then? If you could sit down with the man about to enter his marriage, what would you say to him?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 03:25 PM
10

It's less about "not catching feelings" and more about "not letting your feelings override the work you've done, and your progress". I may like someone but if I see a red flag, I politely end it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:18 PM
13

Second this. Your buddy cares about you and is feeling protective. He’s trying to verbally slap some sense into you. It’s not that you have to think or talk the same way, its that you need to stop thinking and talking the way you are.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 09:12 PM
1

If your BEST friend was going through what you are going through, what would you do/say to them?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 01:04 AM
14

Yes. I went through a similar situation. The cheating is the emotional investment they make in another man. Its beyond a friendship. It starts to replace that emotional connection you are supposed to have. This causes other strains on the relationship that, at the time, you are unaware of. Thats why its cheating. Its taking away from your marriage. My ex tried to blame me when i confronted her about it. Saying it was my fault she was investing her energy in that relationship while at the same ti…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 10:58 PM
5

Sometimes shit hits you and you don't know why. Especially if you repress/suppress your feelings. It's like you knew something for so long but it wasn't really real even though you have long ago accepted it, then the moment hits and it's now a reality.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:07 PM
6

Ive learned a lot about myself. I was too harsh on myself. I have learned to be kinder and caring towards myself. Ive also understood more WHY i chose her and the red flags i missed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 03:43 AM
1

They get their day in court too. I mean, I guess? Blame us as much as them bud. Men are the ones promising them the world. Hanging on when they are already taken. It's not good, or bad... it just is the way it is.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 02:30 AM
37

It's a weird world we live in. To be devils advocate: image a world where the roles were reversed. A world where guys got attention for merely existing. Compliments were plentiful. Offers of gifts and friendly nights out were common. Now be in a relationship where things feel like work. Where reality exists and it's not all compliments and gifts and making you feel like a prince among men. Fucking Janet from work ALWAYS listens to your hunting stories and she really cares! Kate said she'd help y…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 06:44 PM
1

Or it's extra due diligence. If you have an attorney, speak with them. There may be a strategy they can use to counter this, or at least get out in front of it. If there IS something you are trying to hide that this will show, now is the time to tell your team so that you can do damage control.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:59 PM
3

For sure. I'm just trying to put my "why would someone want that" hat on. You'd want month by month statements because it would show activity. You'd want THAT because you are trying to establish a pattern of behaviour. If they can do that, then they can potentially add credibility to something they may suspect has occurred.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:03 PM
2

Im guessing they are looking for patterns that would indicate you were hiding money.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 01:56 PM
4

Something hard to understand is that there is nothing that will make it make total sense, and the sooner you get past that and start dealing with what is actually in front of you the better. Read through some of the stories on here that have been shared. Ignore the hate, its just hiding the tremendous amount of pain. Listen to the stories, the loss, its universal. Pick yourself up, treat yourself with kindness, like you would you very best friend.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 07:07 PM
2

You can have empathy for someone and at the same time not let it override whats best for you. “I feel for you, but that doesnt change what im going through and i need to do whats best for me now.”
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 04:55 AM
4

It fucking tough man. There was a post in my local subreddit asking if there were any NMMNG groups in the area and people went straight to comparing it to the red pill. Some lady even commented "barf, every mens group eventually ends up the same". It's disheartening to not be able to find positive local mens support groups because people are afraid.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 02:47 AM
8

They're flawed, human. What I'm spending a great deal of time and effort on is understanding myself more. Every story I've read on here you can trace back to decisions made. At SOME point in those relationships, something was overlooked, or ignored, or didn't quite sit right and a decision was made to move forward instead of calling it. In my own relationship I could point my finger at her for a lot of the pain I've felt, but the truth is, my fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of not b…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:51 AM
7

Did you ever know someone who really liked you and you didn't like them? That's how she feels now. It sucks but that's how it is. It's going to hurt for a while, but as cliche as it sounds, if you do care about her you will let her go. It's time to start working on you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 03:02 PM
6

I dont think there is a single answer. I still get upset thinking about it but im cooing pretty well. So, i tell myself “you cannot control this, so it doesnt do any good dwelling on it”. What i CAN control is my future. I can attempt to make the best with what i have left and grow it for my future. I know i wont put myself in the same situation ever again as well. The most expensive lesson learned.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 12:16 AM
5

I wouldn't get remarried without a strong pre-nup
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:50 AM
17

Anecdotal, but an ex gf of mine who I am facebook friends with is currently going through a divorce. Keep in mind, this is all from her point of view and not trying to break down what else may have occurred. She has 6 kids and her husband one day decided to up and leave. He hasn't been helping with the kids at all since then, no money, no time. She was very much in the denial phase for a while. I talked to her a bit and got the impression she was crushed, didn't see it coming, didn't understand …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 04:32 PM
5

You want a true path forward? You spent most of your energy talking about what she wants, and only a small portion talking about what YOU want. You want to stay together and you want a true relationship. Those are technically two things. Which is more important to you? If you decide that you want a true relationship, then tell her. Tell her you will accept nothing less than this. If she doesn't want it, then find a good lawyer and begin the process.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 02:15 PM
4

Bro. You had one lil dude who loved you more than anything im sure. Take care bud.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 10:50 PM
4

Sounds very rough. I only quote this to maybe help change your perspective; "Comparison is the thief of joy".
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 09:15 PM
3

I think you go through phases. First phase is process what JUST happened. Some guys go through denial, self blame, bargaining, anger, fear. Whatever it is, do the work to process it and get to a point of true acceptance. Second phase is process the relationship. Are you looking back at it with rose colour glasses or shit covered glasses. Can you understand your mistakes at a surface level? Can you see hers? How have you changed since the relationship started? Ideally you can look back over your …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 09:18 PM
6

Two pieces of advice I'd like to share as I have gone/am going down a very similar path. 1) Read "No More Mister Nice Guy!". I cannot overstate this enough. 2) I've gone through a gauntlet of emotions over my ex's inability to see her own fault in things, and the one I've landed on more than anything is pity. She will never grow and understand how she affects her own relationships since she just externalizes all of her emotions. Growth comes from self reflection and honest criticism. Having a pr…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 05:40 PM
12

"I just want to tell you guys that, if something feels off, it likely is." Yell it from the roof tops.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 05:33 PM
3

Start journaling. Doesnt matter what you write, just put some shit on paper. Something about putting it out there on paper that helps you process some of it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 11:05 PM
2

I know where i fucked up as best as i can. I spent a lot of time being overly critical of myself and trying to own it. So ya, its normal and healthy to admit your mistakes and try to work on it. But take it one step further; also ask yourself why you overlooked the red flags. Why didnt you establish healthy boundaries and stick to them early in the relationship. These are so important to understand. Maybe if you had, that relationship would have taken a different direction or maybe not happen at…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:50 PM
3

Okay cool. I found the sleep series very useful. Maybe it will help this gentleman, maybe it wont.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 03:08 AM
0

Dr huberman did a series on sleep on his podcast. Very good
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 09:10 PM
2

Cheers. The loneliness gets better the more you focus on living a life you enjoy living. Finding a purpose, goal, passion is the name of the game for your next phase of growth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 11:10 PM
3

When your life is at a point where you dont want a relationship because you dont want it to interfere with what you have going on, thats the time. Because ANY woman entering your life will have to be amazing to be worth it to upset the life you have AND you wont be afraid to drop any one who doesnt meet that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 08:55 PM
13

Just because nothing happened physically (yet) doesnt mean nothing is happening emotionally. Cheating is cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 04:09 PM
1

When it comes to 'give and take' it's about finding out what you can live with and what you can't. Those topics that cause friction, either you can live with it or you can't. You've discussed them and she isn't budging, is that a deal breaker or not. If it is, then make that known, set a boundary, be WILLING to compromise but know where you are going to be willing to truly accept. If it's not a deal breaker, then you need to let it go and not bring it back up and fully accept it (don't secretly …
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 08:59 PM
2

I don't hate my ex, in fact I hope she's happy and does well in life, truly. She was an terrible wife and honestly, and honestly not even a good friend to me. I know (to an exhausted degree) the problems she had with me, but only after we split and I spent time in therapy do I know start to understand how shitty she was in the relationship. I still wish her well, hope she is happy and has a fulfilling life. The way I see it is my time with her is done so our lives are no longer intertwined. But,…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 06:38 PM
2

Fair. Context matters though. Did she say they while you were arguing or was this a planned thing she brought to your attention? Honestly dude, this is the advice; shit or get off the pot, both of you. At the VERY least commit to figuring out this question, are you in or out. Love is not unconditional, especially in a relationship. When she says she doesnt want to put in effort now its because you havent shown her you are worth the effort anymore, and im sure its the same for you. There is a pat…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 02:27 PM
3

Divorce is a violent, final act. It is destructive, but there is a light at the end. From what you describe, it sounds like neither of you is putting in effort into the relationship part of your marriage. It also sounds like you both expect the other to be the one to put the effort in, and since neither of you are, you are in this situation. If both of you aren't committed to putting the work in, then what will happen is eventually one of you will meet someone that sparks something, and then shi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 01:46 PM
1

glad I could give you a chuckle bud. Treat yourself to somewhere nice.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 03:46 AM
3

Paul Simon suggests Graceland, Memphis Tennessee https://youtu.be/GP6a-7MP91g?si=CS_WafGN0WYLBuWm The second verse in that song hit me the other day, its why i was thinking about it. “She comes back to tell me she's gone As if I didn't know that As if I didn't know my own bed As if I'd never noticed The way she brushed her hair from her forehead And she said, "losing love Is like a window in your heart Everybody sees you're blown apart Everybody sees the wind blow"
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 01:19 AM
11

This is an exercise I have been suggesting a lot on here because it really works: Take your situation, and pretend instead of you she did this to, it's your best friend. This person just did this to your best friend. What advice would you give your best friend in this situation?
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 06:14 PM
6

You've made the decision to not have to deal with that anymore, so why do you? Why put any stock in the words of someone for whom you are buying/installing cameras to protect yourself from. Take a GIANT step back and pretend you are looking at a situation your best friend is dealing with. What advice would you give that person?
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 01:48 PM
16

Over reacting to small things. Poor relationship with her family. No female friends. Not respecting boundaries. Honestly, there are a lot more and its something ive been actively working on with myself. Why do i ignore these things.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 10:30 PM
4

This really isn't the place to ask that, to be fair.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 02:28 PM
7

But you say he’s just a friend, but you say he’s just a friend. OH BABY YOOOOU
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 11:28 PM
12

Well, could be any number of reasons. Sometimes people in a high anxiety situations like a bad marriage go through a massive crash after getting out. Theyve been in fight or flight mode for years. Now you need to sort through ALL of that BS that just happened to them and also attempt to move forward. A therapist would most likely help this process.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 05:23 PM
2

I mean, if you flip the script, I think it would be reasonable to NOT date while still living together. If you want to stay amicable that is. So ya, I think it would probably be fair to ask he to hold off on her new relationship until things are finalized and you are both living your new lives.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 02:31 AM
8

Hey man, I know you are playing it like you have accepted your fate and don't care what happens, but we both know you are crushed right now. It's time to seek help. You may have made mistakes in the marriage, they may have even been the cause of why the marriage is ending, it doesn't matter. Mistakes get made by everyone, we learn and we grow from them. I want you to read this next bit and then fucking re-read it and then read it once more: The most important thing you can do for a loved one is …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 03:19 PM
5

Its prob a pain in the ass to change it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:47 PM
1

Oi, that does sound shitty. Sorry you are stuck in this position
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:28 PM
2

I'd guess if you want to find a woman who doesn't want kids, I'd suggest looking for someone 40+ that doesn't have kids already
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 02:58 PM
3

It might help to try to shift how you view it. We're all flawed and shitty in one way or another. Your ex is just another shitty person who thinks all the things she thinks are true and being done to her. In her mind she is justified. Forgiveness isn't about making up with them, it's about realizing it doesn't fucking matter what they did or didn't do from now on. You can't change it, you don't need to reconcile it, and you shouldn't dwell on it. Forgive her for being a shitty person, which she …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 05:35 PM
18

Ya, it also caught me by surprise. I spent a LOT of time trying to reconcile what she said versus my reality or our 17 years together. Since we split, I realized how much of that was BS. How shitty of a partner she really was, which sucks. How much I tried to make things work but it was a lose lose situation no matter what i did. Hearing all the other stories on here helped me realize a lot of this though.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 04:13 AM
13

Let it out buddy. And you're right, you can't do shit when someone else wants to burn it down. Isn't it amazing how many men on here have the same story. It honestly blows my fucking mind. It's like I can read your venting in my voice and it fits perfectly. Pick up the pieces, don't spend more time on her, spend it on you and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 03:13 PM
6

Maybe they are sorry it didn't work out, that you had to go through what you did to get to where you are.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 02:11 PM
1

The hardest thing to realize is the only thing you can control in any situation is yourself. People that see this advice as weakness are missing the point; it's powerful to always be in control of yourself and actions. If you don't like the advice, move along, it's free and you can take it or leave it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:44 PM
5

Im going to take a stab in the dark (feel free to ignore if im wrong), but im guessing you still are holding out hope and want this as a connection to her. Regardless, would you be able to encourage her in her new romances? Would you be able to hear her regale you about her amazing nee man? You know, things a friend would encourage. If you would have difficulty with that, then ask yourself honestly what it is you are really hoping for.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:03 PM
3

Rough, good luck bud. Treat yourself well.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 12:59 AM
5

Grieving is not a linear process. Some days are awful, some good. Sometimes you doing something random and itll remind you of something and hit you like a tonne of bricks. One thing i want to pass on to you is this though: everybody makes mistakes and no one is perfect in their marriage. Dont beat yourself up. Picture your best friend going through what you are, feeling what you are feeling about it. What would you do and say to your best friend? Do that for yourself. Honestly.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 12:24 AM
8

Bud, if you filed for divorce and are wishing shed fight for “us”, give your head a shake. Unless i misread that. If you’ve filed, it’s over. Of course a cold should is expected. In fact, it’s the best outcome. The alternatives are much worse.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 03:26 AM
4

honestly, who cares now? Maybe tell her something like this, "I understand you're upset, but we are getting a divorce so we don't have to do this anymore."
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 04:43 PM
1

Meh, do what you want but dont act out of emotion.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 03:05 PM
5

“Fuck them all!” I think you are doing celibacy wrong bud. Jk
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 01:24 PM
1

the catch 22 is if you say this, you are gaslighting or manipulating. It's a lose lose situation
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:29 PM
3

You're on track bud. Would you feel sad as you grieved a loved one passing? It's a very similar journey.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:36 PM
4

The only thing that woman is guilty of is not recognizing how desire works, not investigating this and understanding how she ticks, how every woman ticks. BANG on. It's an externalization of an internal feeling. Instead of being introspective and trying to understand why that feeling is occurring and how to address it themselves in a healthy way, it becomes an external problem that is "happening to them". Blame gets laid, which then becomes anger since they have "no control" over how they feel.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:18 PM
3

Of course it has. When you ask that here, you will get answers from people who it didnt work for, since they are getting or have gotten a divorce. So the data will be massively skewed.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:22 PM
4

Fair enough. If you spend some time here you will experience a gauntlet of reactions and experiences. There are also a lot of commonalities such as pain/grief. A lot of men are angry, sad and/or scared, and some are joyful, relieved, and hopeful. Some are just starting out on this road, some have been on it for a while. Take a breath, share if you feel comfortable, but I also encourage you to read. Some of what you read will be very negative, some, will be very helpful and may help change your e…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 02:04 AM
5

Why would you think anyone in here would react that way? Spend some time reading other peoples posts.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 01:28 AM
2

ah, I feel that. I also tortured myself with that statement/question, cause I promise you, focusing on it only has negative outcomes. I've tried shifting to a more positive mindset; it doesn't matter what she felt, it matters how I feel. I can't rewrite the past, all I can do is try to recognize red flags in the future, and more importantly, understand why I ignored them in the first place. I told myself ALL kinds of lies about her, because when I was honest with myself, I made excuses for her f…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 09:12 PM
2

What about it bothers you the most?
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 07:42 PM
1

alright, then here is an exercise for you to try. visualize a friend or family member that you are close with in front of you. visualize that they are going through a very hard time. What would you do or say to them? How would you comfort them? Now instead, try treating them how you've been treating yourself. Say the things to them that you are saying to yourself. How does that make them feel? How does it make you feel to do that to them? Now reverse it, now visualize yourself there, going throu…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 06:53 PM
2

What do you mean by "coming around"? For a lot of people, we treat it like mourning a death of a loved one. The person you cared about is no longer there. That life is no longer there. It's sad and you grieve it. For some, therapy helps to sort through the thoughts and feelings, which helps you process things better. For daily life, I like simplification and routine. For beating yourself up, is that how you would treat a friend? Show yourself the same kindness that you would show a loved one goi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 02:23 PM
2

My man is a tactitian
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 11:00 PM
2

Why are you waiting on her? Pick your own path and make it happen.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 02:20 PM
7

I think what he means is a wise man stays silent about his grieving, dont post your business on social media.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 06:51 PM
6

I think i saw the same reel, and ya. Hit home for me too. Those fucking content creators get you dialed in! I think there was a subtle difference though; its not just about their inability to control their emotions, its that they dont own their role in them. Everything negative they feel they externalize a cause of. It creates situations that you are describing versus finding ways to process those emotions as separate to any external issues.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 10:11 PM
2

It comes in waves. What advice would You give to a very close friend who is going through a grieving process? Would you do something to help take their mind off it? Would you sit and listen to them? Would you let them be down but let them know you are there for them? Do those things for yourself. Be your own best friend. Treat yourself as best as you could treat anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/24 07:04 PM
10

I'm going to say some things that may sting, but my intention is to help here. It sounds like you maybe poisoning the well a bit. It sounds like you are creating situations where it's your responsibility to parent and she has her time and you are allowing the kids to think that their mom isn't there for them by calling her, knowing it's her time. I'm sorry, it shouldn't matter if they want mom then, YOU are there and it's your time. It may be painful to hear it, but this is a painful time of tra…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/24 09:07 PM
5

Are there known root to your feelings? Do you spend time beating yourself up? A light bulb moment for me was when my therapist saw how I treated myself vs how I treated a friend. I was not kind to myself, not forgiving. He told me to picture myself feeling the way I do, and asked me how I would treat a friend in that same situation. He then asked me why I don't do that to myself. It blew my mind. It's taking time and effort (because it doesn't feel normal), but I'm treating myself a lot better n…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/24 02:30 PM
2

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/981_YBK6nzY
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/24 12:54 AM
9

buddy, re-read what you wrote, then rethink your ending. You start by saying "my wife was kind of a shitty person when we were married", and then go on to say "the same shitty person I was married to is being shitty during a difficult time", to conclude by asking "what happened to society?!?" She's a shitty person, she's doing shitty things and acting shitty. Regardless of the changes to society, you can focus on her as the problem. I'm only saying to help you, don't turn it into some big myster…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 09:48 PM
4

There is nothing wrong with someone having rules/boundaries, its the content of those that matter. For one thing, are they trying to control you, or are they establishing how they want to be treated. One is awesome, one is a walk away. Also, just like someone can tell you about their boundary, you are free to decide how you want to take it. If its a deal breaker, so be it. Final thoughts; when someone respects you enough to be clear about their expectations, listen to the content of what they ar…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 11:27 PM
1

Its hard to say. Some things to consider, their wives are both your ex, so dont assume they act the same. Are you saying or doing anything yourself that they may feel undermines their relationship? Are you speaking poorly of women in general around them? Are you suddenly around more often because you have more free time? There could be any number of factors that are in play besides maliciousness. It could also be they feel threatened, and you buds gotta make nice with them, and can you blame the…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 06:34 AM
3

for sure. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. It's part of the mourning process. Reminds me of when I lost my dad many years ago, then went through some life milestones, how sad I felt when I wanted to share it with him. The relationship died and you are mourning it. It's normal and you will get through it, just remember to treat yourself well, reward yourself for the things you accomplish, and look forwards as best you can.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 03:32 PM
6

K, now take it one step further, all those wonderful things happened AND you have her back... then she wants a divorce again and that crushes you all over again. Or maybe you wanted it and it's all her shitty behavior all over again. Remember the REALITY of what happened. She broke you, she took that ideal life you wanted away so now you are trying to build that back up despite what she did. She kept you fucking dog for fuck's sake.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 03:21 PM
9

we're your hype men, that's why we are here!
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 08:35 PM
24

Dude, I'd be laughing my ASS off. This is amazing. Some nice gentleman is taking your headaches away AND you're well on your way physically to being where you want to be. Win fucking win baby!
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 08:20 PM
5

Because she reminds you of the ideal you had in your head of what you thought the relationship was. I found it got better for me when I realized that and truly understood what it meant: the person she is, isn't what I have in my head. Maybe at one time she was, maybe she wasn't, it doesn't matter. What was, isn't anymore. That's why so many say it's like dealing with a death of a loved one. What you are experiencing is seeing the same physical body of that manifestation, but that isn't the same …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 03:10 PM
6

I have a dog that i take care of and he brings me tremendous happiness. I am rekindling old friendships, getting back into some old hobbies and trying some new ones. Im trying to be more proactive in making social plans but also finding a lot of joy in planning things for myself.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 05:02 AM
2

Ya its tough man. Sometimes they really suck, but i find a lot of times they are just ignorant. “Hope youre doing okay, let me know if i can do anything”. Then try to make plans with them but they are always busy and never put effort into remedying that. Fuck me i guess.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 04:56 PM
3

By not involving myself in their life so its not consequential to me.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 10:32 PM
3

I do, eventually. Ive been spending a lot of my time trying to understand my mistakes in who ive picked before. I tended to go for “broken birds”, have missed a lot of red flags, and dont properly enforce boundaries. I also have a short circuit with my empathy where if i see them cry, i completely ignore myself and try to take care of them. A good therapist and some honest and long reflection about myself. Im also building my life in a way that someone will have to be very worth it to make me ev…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 10:31 PM
6

“Sucks to be you!” Buddy, OP is trying to help people are youre being a dick. If youre happy and think his advice is shit, move on. I think chances are he hit a nerve with you and you are getting defensive. Maybe you need to re-read what he wrote.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/24 04:20 PM
7

Dont let words define your reality, let actions. You know she lies and every time you ask her a question, you give her another opportunity to attempt to warp your reality. Enough. There will be no movie moment where she confesses, there is no good and evil, there just is what happened. No reason for it matter because shes just either lying to you are lying to herself. Move past “i need to make it make sense”, morn what was but isnt anymore. Reset your mental and start removing the cancer from yo…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 02:33 AM
3

“I want to extend grace to her but she wants nothing to do with me or a relationship “ I want you to read that a few times. Pretend that someone else is saying that to you about someone else. What do you see? I see someone who is trying for closure but wanting to get it from someone else. She does t want that, its time to realize you are doing that for you not her, and thats okay, but you need to stop for your own sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 04:17 AM
2

If you are genuinely asking, you shouldn’t. Underneath fights there is poor communication, lack of empathy, and selfishness. I can trace back every fight i had with my ex and can see where we both went wrong. The evolution of your fights sounds more like contempt took hold. Its probably why your therapist focused on the small things at first. The represent the bigger issues.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 05:09 PM
7

It gets better buddy. Here’s the thing i realized as a guy who stayed much longer than i should have because of my fear of being lonely; i’d already been lonely. I’d been lonely in that relationship for years. It hit me like a tone of bricks when we separated. I was already living my fear.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 12:52 AM
4

I think you missed the point of what he was saying completely.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 05:19 PM
9

If it were me in your shoes, i wouldn’t compare my relationship to his past ones. instead, i would take it as it is, better or worse. If its not good enough, say something (without ANY comparison). The worst thing you can do is put yourself up against his ex. If you have needs that arent being met and are not happy with what is there, say it. If it doesnt get better, move on.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 12:10 AM
6

Homie, breaks my heart when I read others suffering like this. Sometimes when I'm feeling nostalgic, it helps me to realize that I'm nostalgic for the ideal, not the reality. The ideal were those moments that felt perfect, the reality is the 99% of the actual relationship. A lot of the things you are talking about indicate you need to talk to someone, to assist you. You are depressed. It's okay, it's something that can be worked on. Talking to a professional is a REALLY good start. It takes time…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 05:25 PM
4

Good for you buddy! Food for thought; motivation sucks, discipline is everything. Motivation comes and goes but discipline is doing things that are hard and you don’t want to do. Figure out how to embrace “the suck” and find reward in doing.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 07:05 PM
4

That is a whole wack of bad decisions. At least it reinforced you’re doing the right thing lol.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:37 AM
5

Why not talk to a professional? Regardless of the diagnosis, a lot of the stuff you are describing isn’t good and it will help you to learn how to deal with things in a healthier way. It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about living your best possible life moving forward
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:32 AM
8

Dog (or any pet you can spend time with) is huge. My lil buddy has gotten me through some dark times. He’s the most important being in my life.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:15 AM
1

It has a nice “ring” to it
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 01:51 AM
3

He’s an asshole, but he’s my best bud.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 01:17 AM
7

Got a pizza, hanging with my dog, going to watch lord of the rings extended cut.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 12:37 AM
1

Lot to unpack here, but I will try to assist. You seem to have a lot of self destructive behaviours. Seems like you did everything in your power to sabotage things and now you regret it and are beating yourself up. The NUMBER one thing you need to do is accept the past, and forgive yourself. I cannot emphasize that enough. Accept what has occurred and forgive yourself for it. The next step is to find a good therapist, and figure out why and how to change this behaviour moving forward. That’s how…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 12:00 AM
3

The wheel strat I’ve found success with.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 06:05 PM
5

You’re talking about two different things; people have strong feelings and are hurt, this can come out in various ways, one being anger. Those people come here as one of the way to work through those emotions. Grey rock is a way to look at a specific outside interaction that will benefit an individual who is experiencing those strong emotions. It’s a coping mechanism as they are going through their own personal hell.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 04:42 PM
8

Take this for what it is, an anecdote. My wife was seeing he own therapist that was in the same office as our couples therapist. This is important as the counselors will discuss patients with each other in terms of treatment etc. Near the end of our failing marriage, I had a 1-1 session with the marriage counselor. I was down about everything, and really blaming myself. You see, as you can guess, my wife blamed me for everything, so naturally I took that as truth. In the conversation with my cou…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 07:55 PM
3

Feel your feelings but know this; wasting time thinking about what others have done or didn't do is just that, wasting time. My best guess on why so much of us go through a period of hate is that we are men, and we are naturally programmed to protect ourselves from things that have or may hurt us. The hate is just a manifestation of pain and betrayal. When you are ready, deal with what's underneath and don't waste your time thinking about her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 10:26 PM
3

Puddle of mudd - she fucking hates me On more than one occasion I've blasted this WAY too loud on repeat. Trust
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 09:42 PM
4

Why would you bring up conspiracy theories when discussing exposing your child to language via songs/artists. What could that possibly accomplish? It sounds like you enjoy arguing and I can tell you first hand, people don’t enjoy being around people that are like that. Ask yourself this honestly, were you more concerned with being right, or coming to an understanding about how to raise your child together
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 07:36 PM
1

Easiest way to explain it is; when you get too excited, your body can get into fight or flight mode. “Why is he so excited?!? Fuck, better keep blood flowing to the muscles and be ready to fight or run”.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 07:51 PM
3

Not exactly, but I have noticed my needs sometimes outweigh their capacity. I.e they have other obligations and I don’t anymore lol.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 11:33 PM
3

Brother, I totally get it. You are not alone in these feelings and the fears/anxieties of it all.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 09:39 PM
1

Trying to detangle everything there, as you packed a lot into a little. First, you are alluding to a LOT of buzz-word-esque psychology, which I would hazard stems from reading/watching a lot of stuff on the internet (like this subreddit for instance). So, my first step would be to take a break from that, simplify your life a bit, maybe seek some professional assistance. Second, trust "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." The thing doing the heavy …
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 07:58 PM
4

Social media isn’t news, or truth, its only goal is to grab attention and create interaction. One way to do this is to find people and reinforce their feelings. You see it in this sub too. It sucks that it hit a nerve, probably feels like someone ripped out some stitches that were still healing. Try to reframe it though, this just reinforces that she wasn’t the one for you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 12:00 AM
5

No notes, well done.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 09:56 PM
5

I know it's hard, but that's the point I'm trying to make to you. The hardest decisions are sometimes the ones that are best for our mental health. Either you are separating or you are trying to get back together. Pick your path and move that way or you will be miserable. You can still have a good relationship with someone without having sex with them. What's going to fuck you up (at least it would for me) is sitting in limbo with the relationship. Partially having needs met when she wants but t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 10:18 PM
2

What does that have to do with what I said? I’m legitimately confused.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 10:07 PM
6

Wtf man. That’s a new reason for me. To answer your question, no I haven’t and wouldn’t. I don’t hate my ex, far from it. But it’s taken a lot to mentally move forward and I know sex with her would really fuck that up. I know what’s best for me and I’m sticking to that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 08:12 PM
6

A+ breakdown and advice. I’d. Maybe also add it may be beneficial to take stock of yourself a bit more. OP, you did some surface level reflection on some of the difficulties you’ve had but haven’t really attacked these issues. Becoming happy by yourself can’t be overstated enough. Having interesting hobbies/passions is VERY attractive. Who would you rather date; the person who is slightly bitter about the whole dating “hypocrisy”, or someone who is enjoying their life and could take or leave a p…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 09:09 PM
2

Helped me. He suggested a break after we had a big blow out. That break was what helped me realize how much shit I was putting up with because I was afraid to be alone. There were also a lot of lessons I took that I am and will be applying moving forward. Stuff that I realize had to work on. Therapy/counselling is one of those things where you get what you put into it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:35 AM
7

Shitty man. The wiki on this sub aid a GREAT way to start. Best advice I can give is treat yourself well. Feel the feelings and don’t try to medicate them away. It don’t beat yourself up, it wasn’t all your fault, no matter what was said. Therapy if you can afford it is amazing (I found). It’s like working out for your brain. The rest treat your body right. Get some sort of movement in that you can handle. Eat better. Sleep. Socialize but don’t date. I can’t emphasize that enough. You need to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 06:52 PM
5

ebs and flows baby. Stick to the program.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 06:14 PM
1

of course it's selfish, by definition it is. EVERYTHING we do is selfish. NOT leaving is selfish because you are thinking about your potential guilt and she has to be with someone who doesn't love her. You can frame it any way you want. Try picturing this; do you think you can be a good father and co-parent should you separate? What if she meets someone who loves her and treats her well? Would you deny her that?
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/24 07:36 PM
7

Losing weight adds length. Unsure about the other stuff
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 05:16 AM
12

It may help to try to shift your thinking about it. You don’t love her, you love the idea of her, or what she used to be. You can mourn that, just like the death of any loved one. The person the remains is not what you love, how could it be since they treat you so poorly.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/24 06:04 AM
2

Lot of responses but no one has answered your question really. If I’m reading between the lines, you feel guilty and care about her as a person, but don’t want a life with her. It’s rough, I get it. You can try couples counselling, having someone there to help you navigate things can be helpful. Some people even use counselling to wind a marriage down as it is apparent it is not working and there is no willingness on one or both sides. But, to the crux of your dilemma, you need to consider your …
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/24 06:58 AM
7

Wait, separated 16 months and you are going to couples therapy? Is she stringing you along? Or are you holding onto hope and she’s humouring you?
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 05:09 PM
5

Where I’m from, an hour of a therapists time is the same whether it’s for one of a couple. You pay for the time not the per person. That’s suspect as hell man.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 08:34 AM
8

Thanks for sharing bud. That’s a very eye opening story.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 05:39 PM
2

I see one of two paths; get into couples counselling and explore the why of it. You cannot live with a knife over your head, afraid every time she has a bad day she will start this shit again, or proceed with the divorce. Here’s the thing, there is something in her that is being destructive and that isn’t just going to go away. If I were a betting man I would bet this will continue with the on again off again bs as it gets worse and worse, eventually leading to a real mess. From what you describ…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 08:26 PM
4

sorry if i wasn't clear; I'm assuming you've had conversations and you've reached the point where OP is describing. What I'm REALLY commenting on is if you get to the point where you feel demanding something is the solution, you should give your head a shake are re-evaluate the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 04:37 AM
19

I’m going to slightly throw this back at you; if you find yourself in a position where you are with a lazy person who doesn’t see the work that needs to be done and that as a team, in that situation, she should step up? Then maybe move on. If you find yourself having to “demand” things, I think 1 of 2 things will happen. 1, she will resent you but say nothing and then plot behind your back. 2, she will fight you and you will both be miserable. The lesson is: you can only control you. If the pers…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 04:03 AM
8

Fair points, but I think “hit the gym” is just code for “work on your health”. Of course this means literally going to the gym for some, but for others maybe it means start walking regularly, or eat better and do yoga. The point it, do something to improve your physical self as it will help you in so many ways as you are struggling.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 05:56 PM
11

Good luck homie, hope we never see you again!
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 05:50 PM
6

Honest words, that’s a healthy thing to do. It may help to refrain your thoughts from pining for your ex, to mourning your relationship. It ended, which means it wasn’t the relationship you are lining for, something changed. Whether it was her feelings, yours, whatever, it’s not the same. That’s why it ended. Mourn the loss of the good times.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 08:18 AM
11

“At the end of the day, your mom and I are also human. We have our flaws and faults just like everyone else. We both love you dearly and to an extent care about each other, but being together didn’t work. We were not right for each other no matter how hard we tried.” Something like that. You don’t NEED to go into details, because truly, they don’t matter.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 07:30 PM
1

I legit had no idea, thank you for explaining
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 02:33 AM
3

I got to ask; if she’s Mormon, aren’t the wives supposed to be subservient to their husbands? Not commenting on the ethics of this, just wondering how she can justify how she threatened you with her religion.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 05:12 PM
5

It’s not easy though, that’s the point. If it were easy, we wouldn’t be here talking about what you need to do, because people would just do it. You want a reason for the divorce? She doesn’t love you anymore. What other reason do you need? You want a reason to do the hard things required to be happy? Who would you rather fall for, the happy person or the sad person who won’t try?
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 02:32 AM
2

we're screwed
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 01:27 AM
5

I believe the way the courts look at it is, any profit you receive while together is shared.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 03:31 PM
2

They both enter LTRs like a blob. They’re not really sure what really works for them because it’s more important to be in any relationship than it is to wait for a relationship that might make actually them happy. I could not put this any better if I tried a thousand times. This is the key. Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 09:41 PM
19

I feel for you. A couple things really stand out to me from what you wrote. You are probably also now grieving your first marriage. Jumping into a relationship so fast often stunts your healing. Losing your new wife has probably put you back into that feeling and amplified it. Secondly, I think you are missing the point about being alone. Of course it’s amazing to have someone you love and be loved by. The POINT is you NEED to be happy alone first. You need to find you and be good with that pers…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 03:45 PM
13

Under moderation kills communities
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 03:32 AM
2

it is bitter sweet. Just think how many men have suffered alone, thinking it was all their fault, not understanding what happened to them.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 12:00 AM
6

Very true. They are rarely if ever the “bad guy” in their own story. It bothers me because they logic that x CAUSED y. I.e. “you didn’t do this, or you did that, and that’s why I cheated”. Nothing happens in a vacuum sweet heart, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own actions. Honestly, if you think of the big picture, they are their own worst enemy. Because they don’t look critically at their own actions, they will repeat the same mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 06:18 PM
21

If you are seeking an open relationship, may I suggest next time don't get married. Just have friends, who are girls, who you enjoy the company of and vice versa.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 03:41 PM
7

You fucked up, you recognize it, you are suffering for it as a consequence. That’s okay man. It’ll pass, hopefully you’ve learned your lesson. It does sound like maybe you haven’t completely gone grey rock though, so maybe take stock there. But, don’t beat yourself up more than you already have. LEARN from your mistake. Move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/23 04:24 PM
9

YES BUD!! you are worth something! You are somebody! Picture yourself as you would a very good friend, sitting there, saying how hurt you are, how scared and vulnerable you feel. What would YOU do for that friend? DO THAT FOR YOU.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/23 12:34 AM
17

Buddy... this is so ridiculous a question I feel like you're trolling us. No, she left you and betrayed you. End it. Sex is awesome and finding someone who can fuck is great, but it AIN'T worth that kind of stress. I legit can't tell from your post history if this is all some sort of troll. History includes: wife is depressed and bi-polar wife has affair and leaves you for ap wife drains your accounts and maxes credit cards guys should I take her back? she said sorry! At what point do you stand …
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/23 11:44 PM
6

I suggest keeping your hand close to your chest so to speak. Do NOT give any indication of your plans for the future.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/23 06:56 PM
3

The best way I’ve been able to reason it is this, if there was someone I didn’t want to be with, truly didn’t want them at all, there is nothing they could do to change that. It’s just how it is. It’s not something to take personal. It’s like you’re an Orange. Some people don’t like Oranges. They may have at one time, but now they just don’t. It doesn’t make it the Orange’s fault.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/23 11:38 PM
1

No cons would give me pause about my own judgement. I dipped my toes in too early and I realized I wasn’t ready Do you truly understand why you chose the last person you did? Did you see any red flags back then?
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/23 04:17 AM
16

Bud, I assume you’re joking for our benefit, and it’s funny at. In case you aren’t, do not.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 09:12 PM
3

What do you hate about it?
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 09:14 PM
13

Does he know you’re dating? He’s 18, talk to him.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 06:28 PM
10

You're angry bud, and rightly so. The advice isn't for her or anyone else though, it's for you. Forgiving someone is letting GO of hatred. It doesn't mean you have to like them, or forget what happened. It means learning to move past it for your own well being so that you don't turn bitter and resentful. There is a secondary duty to your daughters to show them what a man is really all about. Rising above hate, acting with character, and showing them the kind of man that they need to know exists.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 12:47 AM
4

Then seems like a decent deal given the headaches
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 11:47 PM
2

Have a look at similar properties in the area and what they sold for. At least get an idea how close the guess is.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 11:35 PM
5

She’s taking on the risk but also the potential reward, which I’m guessing she thinks is betting on being better than 20k. You could share the risk and potential reward if you say no, but she may also not then want to put the effort into fixing it up, as she will now only reap half her efforts back.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 11:24 PM
20

Homie, you will find SO many that have been through this exact situation, and what you are feeling is normal. I hope this advice helps. It was not you. No matter how much you "changed" or "tried", it didn't matter. It wouldn't matter in 1000 years. You will beat yourself up to a pulp if you keep thinking this way. No ONE is perfect but what matters is a commitment to your partner, and she didn't have that when you did. That's the bottom line. Do some research on "walk away wife syndrome" and pre…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 09:01 PM
1

Anger is an emotion that lets is usually associated with inward feelings of pain. Take a half hour and explore the feeling. Don't succumb to the conclusions your anger is trying to draw, try to understand the roots of it. Pretend you are talking to you as a friend. If you can figure out the pain, it may help you understand the anger and better redirect it to something more beneficial for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 02:59 PM
3

Diamond hands baby
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:07 PM
1

Truth bud. Live and learn.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 12:19 AM
11

Well, I'll tell you one of the things my therapist told me. You probably didn't/don't set proper boundaries from the beginning. This behaviour didn't just START, it's always been there. Learn to recognize it early and walk away from it when it's there. Something like "When you get upset when I ask something simple of you, I feel anxious/stressed about asking you for anything. I need you to stop doing that". If it continues, you've set your boundary, so your action is to move on. Set you boundary…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 06:49 PM
10

Check, check, check, check…check.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 02:19 PM
2

What’s the cost/benefit here. You gain nothing and risk a lot. Only you know if you are lying to yourself too, do you honestly trust you to make the right decision when faced with temptation? Why risk it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 05:20 AM
2

If she can’t tell you over the phone, then it’s probably not in your best interest to humour her.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 03:52 AM
11

You want legal advice, honestly ask a lawyer and not Reddit. It may be possible there are civil implications like slander, liable, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 10:07 PM
3

People have to want to listen for others to be heard. It may be painful, but there is not a lot of point in trying to tell someone that they did something to hurt you if they don't want to listen. However, you may consider changing HOW you tell them things. Avoid blame, avoid assuming intent. Stick to actions and how they made you feel. Not putting someone on the defensive is key when trying to discuss things like what you describe. There is a lot of literature around to assist you, good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/23 12:09 AM
1

The healing will come after. Focus on the immediate, sell house, separate, take care of you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/23 03:42 PM
5

Trying to be constructive for you. It may help to post more details and less feelings. The majority of what you posted is your feelings. Is it possible the things you are worried about? Of course. The only person who knows for sure is him. What is it you were talking about when he stopped you? Anyways, if you were a man asking for advice here in the same situation this is what I’d say; yes it’s over. Actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t matter why, it just is the way it is. Take care of y…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/23 02:47 PM
3

Let’s make a distinction here, because some people are getting the wrong idea. There is a difference between mistreating someone, and not giving them attention.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/23 07:28 PM
13

I suspect from what you wrote she may just be saying things to appease you/soften the blow. Something that is very hard for a lot of people is realizing when the things you WANT to hear are not the truth. Here is the harsh reality and all that matters; she doesn't want to be with you. That's it, that's all. I will repeat it so it really sinks in; she does not want to be with you. All the other stuff is just people pleasing. It's time to understand that, morn for the loss of the relationship and …
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/23 07:25 PM
11

To me this is the BIGGEST reason you shouldn't date for a long while after you divorce. You NEED that time to understand what went wrong, no just on the surface, but deep down issues in yourself. Why did you choose that person? What red flags did you ignore or not even see? What do you truly look for in a partner? What are your insecurities? Etc., etc.. Spending that time working on yourself is vital. Be lonely. Embrace it. Rediscover who you are (or maybe discover for the first time). You shoul…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 06:03 PM
4

Therapy bud. If you broke your leg, would you go to the doctor? You're saying a lot of things that scream therapy would help you here. I'm not talking a social worker, I'm talking someone who can get into your brain and help you understand you. Help you understand your self esteem issues. Help you work on your trust issues. Help you forgive yourself and learn how to setup healthy boundaries. Regardless what you decide, it's going to be a long process. Simplify your life and take care of yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 05:32 PM
3

I didn't fight it, I tried to understand it. Not to beat myself, or anything like that, but to understand where I can be better so that I can improve my situation for me. I have a therapist that has helped me immensely in this regard. At the end of the day, you only have control over your own actions and reactions. Even if your wife was the WORST, I'm sure there is something you can do better for the future to make sure that doesn't happen again. That may even be setting better boundaries, commu…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/23 11:52 PM
8

I cannot recommend therapy enough. Just judging by the "sad sack" responses (we've all been there), you are fully in hate yourself mode. While it's extremely important understand ones own shortcomings, it's also SUPER important to not beat yourself up for them. Do this experiment: picture someone you really care about that isn't you. Imagine that person made the mistakes you did, and they are really hurting and beating them self up. See them there, sitting in front of you, devastated. What would…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/23 02:46 PM
27

Man, I got nothing to say except, fuck. It's possible some of what you are feeling would be there without the kids too. Loneliness is a mother fucker. Keep working on find you, being happy alone, you can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 05:37 PM
1

That’s a tough question to ask in a divorce subreddit. I think your results will be very skewed here.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 06:07 AM
22

Buddy, it wasn’t about the chores, she was bored, unhappy, whatever. She’s just picking things to make her feel better about it and make it seem like she’s the victim.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 05:58 AM
3

fair enough, but ask yourself this: say you are not you and instead are a single woman. Would you want to hang out with someone who is desperate to hang out with anyone and wants to "feel worthy and capable of having a life beyond this failed marriage"? I think if you are honest with yourself, you will realize the answer is no. Which leads to what you REALLY should be working on, and that's being good with being alone. Work on yourself. Become someone that is stable and okay with single life.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 09:27 PM
13

Honest piece of advice, stop comparing your journey to your ex's.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 06:40 PM
4

The only words I can offer are, you're not alone, and this is normal and will pass. I don't say this to diminish what you are feeling because it is real and incredibly hard. I say it to offer you a sense of comradery. That we don't walk alone. The analogy I've used is, you are at the bottom of a tall mountain that you need to climb. This is the hardest part and the furthest you will be from the top where the view is amazing and you will feel a sense of relief/accomplishment/amazement. But the jo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 04:33 PM
4

I recommend it, even though the resolution to our marriage counseling was ending it. It helped me tremendously in understanding my role and some of my issues. It also helped me understand what a good relationship needs and how far we were away. The way my counsellor described it is, he works for the relationship so he doesn’t pick sides. Inevitably you end up arguing you side in the session and he would steer us back to what matter and helped us understand a path forward.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 10:28 PM
6

100%, but I get it. A LOT of guys on here have been hurt, bad.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 04:08 AM
2

Still in the thick of it but so far only a few late mornings. My boss knows and has been very good to me.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 03:47 AM
12

Lot of snap replies here, but I hope you read this. First, breath. Take 15 minutes and close your eyes and just breath buddy. Don't think, yet. Look, you're in a rough spot, truly. No one knows what she's doing, but that's not the most important thing this second. Take everything that was said, and put it aside, it just complicates shit. People say things THEY don't even realize they don't mean. Worse case here, it's over. You will be okay. You have kids together so she'll have to be a part of y…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 03:26 AM
2

We had 2, I kept 1, best decision I made.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 12:31 AM
5

Dreams are funny things. I’d be willing to bet you don’t actually want to be with her but instead long for what you WANTED her to be. She is not that person, that relationship didn’t really exist. Stay the course, this too shall pass.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 12:12 AM
13

Im hearing you, but you’re doing a lot of finger pointing while also not really trying to help your own situation. If you don’t want divorce, then start being the bigger person. Suggest therapy together. Do some kind things for her. Go for a walk together and don’t discuss the relationship. Staying in the living room to avoid her before bed is only going to cement any feelings of wanting to call it quits. Unless that is also what you want, then stop hurting each other and do it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 11:59 PM
5

The advice to not date anyone was to not date anyone. It wasn’t “don’t date exclusively”. Just reading your post, I suggesting spending a year single. No dates, no casual dates, nothing. Be lonely for a while and get to know yourself. Do things for you and you only until you get to know yourself single.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 04:14 PM
4

I'm sure it will, in the mean time, spend time on yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 06:21 PM
2

Buddy I’m so sorry. My lil corg is helping me so much I can only imagine how hard this must be.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 12:09 AM
3

she asked for a divorce man. Try something; re-read what you wrote in your post, but pretend it's a stranger who wrote it. Pretend that you are reading a strangers words and have no feelings for either people involved.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 02:33 AM
2

For sure man. Others stories on here helped me, I’m glad I can return the favour!
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 10:29 PM
5

maybe a bit, but step one is recognizing it. Maybe you need to talk to someone?
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 03:38 AM
8

as cliché as it sounds, it's not you, it's her. Really take that to heart, it has very little to do with you. Sometimes people just stop wanting to be with other people. They make up back stories for why, but it's really just bs and they just don't want to be in that relationship anymore. They check out, start blaming, act weird, distant, w/e. You try and try and they go through the motions but it's over. It's been over in their head for a while. It sucks, but know it's not you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 01:22 AM
1

Agreed, tacking on, spend some time reflecting on yourself. You are comparing things now to the beginning of the relationship, well, what’s changed since then. You have kids sure, but you also have history now. Conflict is not sexy for most people. Work through your issues. Find middle ground on how to parent your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 09:11 PM
1

You aren’t ready to date buddy. Spend a LOT more time single and working on yourself/self esteem.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 03:45 PM
7

I think I’m the opposite. Anyone who asks gets any detail they want.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 10:34 PM
17

I cannot fathom any good reason to offer to your ex to read the messages you are writing to your new dating partners. I also cannot fathom wanting to read them. Give your head a shake man
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 07:03 PM
2

If you are looking for a ray of light, you kind of already said it. Bring the shit up in therapy. That’s what it’s for. It needs to be talked about. You may find that once you do, divorce is the way forward, you may find a common path forward. If you want to have no regrets, talk about it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 01:19 PM
17

There was a post on here that gave me a LOT of clarity. It explains “walk away wife syndrome “. It made so much sense after reading it. The blaming without any person responsibility. The rewriting of history. The change seemingly out of no where yet “it’s been like this forever”. What helped me is I realized it’s not me, (or at least it’s not just me). She divested from the relationship a long time ago and created a new narrative to help her feel better about this. It is what it is. She doesn’t …
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 10:42 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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