n17totspur Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
1	Wife leaves me after 11 years after emotional outburst. Thanks, man. So that’s a tough one. If I think back, once I started working on my own mental health (as opposed to focusing almost solely on ways I could try to “save my marriage”), there was a lot of things that kind of opened up for me in terms of things I had never really tried to address or maybe actually ran away from. Some basic examples of what I’m talking about are things that I think are common to a lot of men who have grown up in certain times and cultures like learning how to identify…	/r/Divorce_Men	09/09/23 11:32 PM
6	Wife leaves me after 11 years after emotional outburst. Hey man, I can see some similarities between your experience and mine. Mine didn’t physically leave, but did an almost overnight 180, shut down pretty much completely, shifted blame entirely to me, and we were in couples therapy where she spent the entire time trying to convince me that I was the source of all of the problems in our marriage. That went on for an excruciating year before I reached a breaking point and confronted her. I had a sickening feeling that she was having an affair(s), but…	/r/Divorce_Men	09/09/23 04:59 PM
4	Prevalence of the Modern Walk Away Wife Yeah whiplash is an accurate descriptor for sure. I had different complicating factors than yourself, but you could copy and paste the rest. It’s going from being everything in her world (which, I’ll state, not the healthiest to begin with but it’s not like I sought after that anyway), to being discarded like garbage. Worse than that, not only are you no longer important to her at all, you’re suddenly the reason for everything she perceives is wrong in her world. You’ve actually always been cont…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/08/23 09:08 PM
6	Prevalence of the Modern Walk Away Wife Yup, you throw BPD into the mix and suddenly you’ve got someone who you’ve only ever tried to love and care for that monkey branches to someone else and flips your xx-years long marriage off like a light switch.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/08/23 02:17 PM
2	What are the loopholes used by the rich? Sorry that happened to you, man. I hear that pretty frequently and frankly expected that kind of outcome. However, I had I guess 3 things “going for me” in a way. 1) ex wife committed adultery multiple times over years and I had proof 2) my state includes fault as an option and 3) I found an attorney that was as upset and motivated as I was and who was willing to be as aggressive as necessary to win. Unfortunately, it does seem like you pretty much need all three to get a decent outcome, althoug…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/07/23 02:38 PM
1	Need urgent advice So I have to say that my situation (though the marriage went on for many many years) was pretty similar. Her “accepting that it’s her fault” yet the focus becomes you and how you’re at fault for something. Again, blame-shifting. The way I described it with my ex was that it was like she was saying, “yeah, I murdered someone, but remember how you did that jaywalking and all those parking tickets??” It’s not dodging responsibility for you to say that her wrongs are orders of magnitude greater than…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/07/23 03:33 PM
3	Need urgent advice Yes, therapy is so important, especially situations like this. Hopefully you can get in soon with someone you click with and can see them often. It can really help you process the things you simply can’t on your own and help you gain a lot of perspective.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/07/23 10:03 AM
1	Need urgent advice You are NOT at fault for her betrayal. She is at fault 100% no matter the circumstances. And you’re right, blame-shifting is a common BPD/NPD trait, among many other traits. But because I’m hoping you hear this loud and clear: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER INFIDELITY. God, I fucking hate that so much. From my experience, you may temporarily forget that at times. Try to keep it in mind because it is crazy-making. Hang in there mate.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/07/23 09:57 AM
2	Need some moral support and encouragement right now Just going to say, I feel like we have a lot in common. I have those days for sure. The vitriolic divorce process beat a lot of that out of me and now that it’s over, some of it lingers just a little. Biggest thing for me has been therapy. I’m honestly of the opinion that most everyone could benefit from therapy, but brother, when you’ve been through the shit and the betrayal and the not knowing if you will ever trust anyone or anything again, it’s an absolute lifeline to have someone help you t…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/07/23 09:44 AM
25	Experienced wife going batshit crazy? Yup. Started as an uncontested mediated divorce, but then she had the balls to ask for alimony after multiple affairs. I said hell no, then it got ugly. But I’m in a fault state and after her attempts to muddy the water with lies and half-truths and a fucking good attorney on my part, she got nothing. Invest in a good attorney and get and USE as much evidence as you possibly can that helps your side. Good luck and hang in there, man.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/07/23 09:31 AM
1	Is my loose-change bowl a permanent home for my old wedding ring? God this got a good laugh out of me. That’s as zen as anything I’ve ever heard hahaha.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:56 AM
2	Can anyone legit claim they went to counseling because of a verbally abusive wife and lived happily ever after? Probably not anyone here. But also, probably not many at all. Habitual abuse seems to me to indicate potential personality disorder issues. Not impossible to overcome, but highly unlikely in my view. Hang in there, man. And individual therapy > couples therapy IMO.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:48 AM
1	Wife cheated on me I’m glad to see more guys recommending therapy here. I think physical health is obviously important, but when I see so much advice amounting to keep yourself so busy with working out etc. that you don’t even have time to think about it, I’m glad people see the benefit of that. However, speaking from my own experience, that strategy works in the short term, but it doesn’t go away. After so many years of doing that, it’s taken as many (and still counting) years of intensive therapy to start to tru…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:41 AM
2	Wife cheated on me Can I just add my experience into this as well and say yes please for the love of god, collect as much evidence as possible and say absolutely nothing until you and your attorney are ready to move. I wish I would have started recording conversations much much earlier, but it was the evidence I actually did collect (and an amazing and motivated attorney) that won me my case and no alimony. You’re likely going to hear a lot of very callous, maybe even cold, responses from guys here who are thinkin…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:25 AM
1	I’m 29 and feel like my wife is abusive I’ll second the point about recording conversations. Do it as much as possible. I was amazed at what could be used by my attorney and wished I had been recording so much earlier. But yes, also, do not skimp on the attorney. What was amazing to me was just how combative and petty she got after I filed and had I not found an attorney that was not only sympathetic motivated to help me, but also aggressive in an intelligent way, I don’t think I would have won in the end.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:08 AM
2	I’m 29 and feel like my wife is abusive I’ll say I definitely think individual therapy is highly highly recommended for both of you (but most importantly, you). I did couples therapy for years and with a person like that, it just did not go anywhere substantive. I’m not saying it’s impossible. Just very unlikely in my experience, at least.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:01 AM
2	I’m 29 and feel like my wife is abusive This. It’s understandable why much of the resources out there are primarily addressed to women, but man it really sucks if you’re a man and you need that help. It was the same for pretty much all of the infidelity materials I read as well. I think that’s probably changing, but it is the reality for sure.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 06:56 AM
1	I’m 29 and feel like my wife is abusive What you’re going through is really hard and scary. Honestly, you might be dealing with someone with personality disorder issues from what it sounds like. If so, it’s important to understand the very slim likelihood that those behaviors would ever permanently change, not to mention the general instability of a relationship with those individuals. I was in for nearly a decade. No kids, thank god. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done working up the courage to pull that trigger, even aft…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 06:50 AM
6	What methods have you used to go no contact with your ex wife after divorce? Wow, the behavior sounds like my STBXW. I don’t have the same set of circumstances, but still early on in the legal process and the bills are racking up. There’s mental health issues there, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s hard not to think about how things used to be, how I never in my life imagined anything like this, and how I am getting to the point of just hating her for what she’s done to me. I can’t remember hating someone, and I don’t want to. Yet, here I am.	/r/Divorce_Men	29/03/23 02:04 PM
3	It’s Over Listen man, be kind to yourself. That’s one of the hardest things to do, I think. I continue to second guess myself all the time (getting better at it). I sometimes think how I should have done things differently. It doesn’t really matter. You can’t control how you react initially and you damn well can’t go back and change it. I would SERIOUSLY recommend getting into therapy if you have not already. Don’t put it off, just go. It helps so much, it’s hard to even explain. Hang in there, buddy	/r/Divorce_Men	05/12/22 10:08 AM
2	Wife of 5 years decides she no longer wants to continue the marriage. Advice needed. I feel you man. 10y for me and my STBX. Story isn’t too dissimilar, really. Hang in there. I’m just trying to take this a day at a time. And I guess staying up all hours of the night for some Reddit therapy haha.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/09/22 11:10 AM
2	Wife of 5 years decides she no longer wants to continue the marriage. Advice needed. You’re not alone man. It sucks that someone you trust so fully can not only betray your trust in the most devastating way, but then proceed to treat you like shit all the while convincing herself that she’s been mistreated somehow and “deserves better” or some dumb shit. You don’t have it be hard on yourself for trying to be a good person and trying to see the good in the one you love. However, trying to make any sense from this shit will drive you absolutely crazy.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/09/22 11:07 AM
6	Why ? Dude I wish I would have really considered that when I first noticed that behavior from my STBX. At first, I thought it was just kind of immature and maybe even a little funny that she would be happy when someone she was mad at (or splitting on) had something bad happen to them. It started to concern me more later, but it was too late at that point and I had other, more immediate problems to deal with. Unfortunately, people who feel like they are supposed to be “fixers” are drawn to people with …	/r/Divorce_Men	28/09/22 10:44 AM
1	After 7 years and a 2 year old, wife wants divorce. Holy shit… married 8y, wife got super into TikTok about a year ago. She had cheated earlier in our marriage and I decided to stay and work through it because she showed deep remorse and took action to change. Fast forward to COVID, she distances more and more, gets into TikTok and insta, and I just found out she’s having another affair, so it’s over this time. And she has the fucking nerve to act like all indignant about how I have “treated” her over the years. How I “held it over her head” that…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/09/22 10:33 AM