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neuro_mancy Archive

View 8 posts and 133 comments by neuro_mancy on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Yeah, sorry, I feel bad. I guess the fact that we see these posts a lot means it could happen to me too. Not really sure why it's for some people and not others!
/r/RedPillWomen21/04/23 03:23 PM
6

also this sub shows up in my profile as one that I participate in, yet nobody's ever held it against me?? maybe it has to do with what you post and whether you're perceived as contributing to their community in good faith. Maybe I have survivorship bias. Just the Matrix comment in this one gives me Tate dogwhistle vibes, for example
/r/RedPillWomen20/04/23 05:37 PM
1

Thanks, I appreciate it! As one commenter suggested, things are likely to stay a simmer until if/when I can meet this guy, so I don't know what the odds are that I'll have a field report for y'all. Always good to see what advice there is out there though.
/r/RedPillWomen12/02/23 05:43 PM
3

Cool, that seems very doable. I'm way ahead of myself though - I've been talking to this guy for less than a week, but it's been regular enough that I'm going "hmm."
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 11:20 PM
2

Well... he and I both knew she was sober from alcohol and that she had some problematic behaviors (over-exercise, overwork, remnants of an ED). I think men sometimes don't pick up on the body image issues as part of the same addictive circuit. Turns out her real issue was with Xanax before she met him, and he didn't know that part. Doesn't really come up socially. Well, COVID messed us all up in different ways and for her it was sleep anxiety. Dr. prescribed a benzodiazepine to catastrophic effe…
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 10:58 PM
2

I don't have many spiritual beliefs, but it can be uncanny how some of the best things fall into place as if they were meant to. That psychological bias is so real though and I am way more familiar with it than I want to be. My friends who met at a conference and finally moved in together after a couple years of LDR had some real surprises waiting for them. The woman struggles with substance abuse, and when it all blew up in the man's face, I wondered if he might have caught onto it sooner if th…
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 08:27 PM
3

Aw thanks! Yeah, I learned a lot from my last relationship and it ended well, so I'll be able to bring good habits and energy instead of bitterness to my next one. In my field, it's not uncommon for people to need to do LTR for a little while. It's always easier when one person can work remotely (like this guy), and it seems extra lucky that he comes here for work. My friends that did LTR also did visits every month as well. It's actually not too hard for me to take breaks! I just miss my kitty.…
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 08:17 PM
2

Yeah, I figure that it doesn't matter at this stage whether the instagram guy is a good fit for me - if he is, there's a chance it will manifest in something and outlive courtships/vetting in my city, and if he isn't, well... I'll be vetting men in my city :)
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 07:57 PM
2

Your story reminds me of my friend's! She's also in a very happy relationship that started in different countries. Congrats on your happy marriage :) And I didn't properly express my thoughts on the possible duration of the LTR: if we hit it off, he might be fairly unconstrained even now in terms of where he can live. It's just that, if he really wants to make it back to his home state to settle down, it would be two years. This is very practical advice. I need to get to know him better before I…
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 07:54 PM
3

Thanks for the pep talk, I need it! My friend and I have plans to take photos for the apps next week. Just a couple months single, not on the apps yet, and I've already had to turn down one guy and have been talking to this one :) not bad odds huh? I'll try to channel that confidence to date around more.
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/23 07:23 PM
15

yeah... it sounds like OP has a "persona"
/r/RedPillWomen02/02/23 10:51 PM
1

Yeah I'd love to hear your long winded thoughts!
/r/RedPillWomen14/01/23 02:21 PM
6

Love this! I feel similarly. How would you describe your identity as it relates to femininity and RPW? I also joined this sub while dating someone I really loved, with no plans to live together. I felt like this sub helped me learn skills to balance the relationship-minded side of myself with the career-oriented side of myself. I know this sub is for everyone, but it hasn't felt like it lately. I felt very seen by Pearl's moderation in the posts that got me my stars, even though nothing about my…
/r/RedPillWomen13/01/23 08:53 PM
13

I think RPW is more of how you treat the man you're with regardless of what role you play in society, and trad as a set of cultural expectations/ideals that confine you to being a certain "type" of woman with a particular role.
/r/RedPillWomen13/01/23 03:20 PM
27

Men are on an upward trajectory of attractiveness. I get that there are nuances that I'm ignoring, but "he peaked in high school/college" is also super common. Men and women alike have to put the work in to grow. And for some men who think they're leveling up, RP is actually making them less attractive...
/r/RedPillWomen13/01/23 01:41 PM
2

Imo, we should all strive to be well-integrated people. That means expressing both femininity and masculinity. We should do it for our own well-being and also understand that it makes us more attractive to potential partners. It's a travesty that you were raised to feel inferior to men. Many women get this programming. It sounds like you know a lot of extremists. I am fortunate to not relate to this whatsoever. I'm on the other extreme end of the spectrum, where the women in my family have gradu…
/r/RedPillWomen02/01/23 06:07 AM
8

Whew, okay. It seems like you found this community because it represents an ideology that you were raised in that actively harms you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting to be capable and autonomous. I'm a career woman surrounded in other thriving career women of all ages, and still see the wisdom in this community. And I feel so lucky to have the option to pursue my intellectual passions alongside of the lifelong quest for love and belonging. I see this as a community of women…
/r/RedPillWomen02/01/23 05:17 AM
1

That's great. I have not moved, but many of my friends are graduating from our program and moving away. Since I'm not changing locations, I have to fight the urge to stagnate, as if the friends I already made are the only ones I'll have. These are creative solutions!
/r/RedPillWomen20/12/22 03:31 PM
1

I also just wanted to ask- what's your new friend making strategy?
/r/RedPillWomen20/12/22 01:43 AM
2

It's true! And not only that, but the recovery phase post -breakup is still a step away from the goal. So being single and actually ready to mingle is 2 steps closer :)
/r/RedPillWomen19/12/22 11:48 PM
2

Congratulations on your newfound freedom! The ceremonial changing-of-the-hair is a must. I'm slowly trying to upgrade my wardrobe as well. I don't have a ton of photos of myself, but once I sort that out, one date a week seems pretty manageable. Not a huge fan of the apps, but maybe I'll know what I want better after having been in this relationship. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to meet people who are bit older, which I've never tried but would be open to, and may find I prefer.
/r/RedPillWomen19/12/22 06:03 PM
2

Just joined a bunch of those subs without a second thought haha. It's coming at a good time because I used to be wedded to the skincare line my aesthetician dealt me, but now I've been enjoying branching out (even if it breaks me out every now and then). And I'm a modern woman by all standards and still find myself the youngest person at Talbots looking for a cute, high-quality winter sweater... so I appreciate these recs. And thanks. He definitely left a void. I've been annoying my friends more…
/r/RedPillWomen18/12/22 09:23 PM
8

Honestly, I would give yourself permission to be hurt and angry and serve a little more "fuck you" energy. 9 months is long enough that you should feel comfortable being less chill about the breakup. Did you establish no-contact mutually or is this something you're personally sticking to? Either now or the next time he tries to have a micro-interaction with you, I would consider removing all access he has to you. If you haven't explicitly agreed on NC, I would send a kind text to tell him why. S…
/r/RedPillWomen08/11/22 04:56 PM
15

9 months is definitely long enough to start picturing someone building a life with you, and I am so sorry you're going through this. You don't exude too much pain in your post but I hope you're doing okay. I'm not as experienced in relationships as many of the women here, but I went through something similar a few months ago and can empathize with you and offer my 2 cents. With our rupture, I viewed it as much more black and white than you: either he was in, or he was out of my life, even though…
/r/RedPillWomen08/11/22 04:35 PM
6

I don't want to clutter this thread by proposing another alternative framework, but this did get me thinking about what the purpose of OYS is to me and the categories I would benefit from reporting on. Being my best self means maintaining my overall energy level, which has widespread impacts on areas of life that many of us here can relate to, as well as impacts on aspects of my life that are more individualized. Things that are positive indicators in my life (that stay consistent when my energy…
/r/RedPillWomen04/11/22 06:17 PM
1

Me too :)
/r/RedPillWomen20/10/22 11:05 PM
16

Hi, I definitely see myself in this post. Lately I've been feeling a little out of place here but I don't see the two identities as contradictory at all. To me, rpw is a dating and relationship framework (or even strategy) that helps create and maintain attraction and harmony. I started haunting this sub because I felt like I, as a career oriented woman, needed it especially much. And I feel like we have the most to gain from these theories because we have fewer reminders that we're our best sel…
/r/RedPillWomen20/10/22 09:42 PM
8

Would you agree that a toned down version of u/Jessicacaitlin's advice could be beneficial? As in, not actually entertaining dates, but preparing herself physically and mentally to succeed on a purely hypothetical dating market/in her own life, on her own terms. Because I actually disagree that the passion induced by acting out of self-interest would reduce investment. Her husband is going through a phase of being overwhelmingly drawn towards the strange and unknown. We all have hidden depths an…
/r/RedPillWomen15/10/22 08:09 PM
1

Wish I could upvote this twice
/r/RedPillWomen12/10/22 02:12 PM
1

Born shoes have been the comfiest dress shoes I've ever owned, and they go on sale frequently: https://www.bornshoes.com/en/shop-sale/ I'll always remember when I went to a very frozen Montreal for work and brought Born heels and a pair of sensible oxford shoes... the oxfords got so uncomfortable so quickly, that I was willing to run around in 5" Born heels on the frozen sidewalks and my feet were so happy.
/r/RedPillWomen03/10/22 10:36 PM
1

I'd add Jillz Guerin and Alexander Grace for nonconservative/politically neutral advice too! Jillz' target audience is definitely women, while AG is for men, but I've learned a lot from the latter.
/r/RedPillWomen16/09/22 06:40 PM
-1

Hi! I recently went through something similar (except we don't live together) with a happy ending as of now. Here are the updates I posted if they're helpful to you. It's only been a little over two weeks since reestablishing commitment and in some ways things have been better than ever, and in other ways we're a lot more open about insecurities and vulnerabilities and it leads to some growing pains. original post update #1 on break update #2 post -break
/r/RedPillWomen12/09/22 12:45 PM
1

They aren't directly related but yeah, kind of. Leading in the relationship is a good indication of investment, in my opinion.
/r/RedPillWomen08/09/22 11:47 PM
2

I would definitely engage with such a post!
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/22 04:29 PM
1

I was actually hoping to hear a men's perspective on this one. The women's comments have been great and pointed out important holes/expansions into what I put down, but theyre clearly from a female perspective (male led relationships work because they satisfy women). The idea of division of labor that you forward makes sense to me! I wrote this post because I'm in the middle of understanding my own relationship. We live separately, so the division of labor is confined to the margins (and happens…
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/22 04:18 PM
3

Thanks for tying in the horsemen! There's good research behind it, and it combines perfectly with this topic. Conversely, men also respond to infringement on their lives by overbearing partners with the horsemen: contempt at feeling like she's setting the rules, defensiveness in response to rudeness and disrespect, and stonewalling to desperately individuate, maybe?
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/22 03:13 PM
6

I agree with this answer intuitively. But... I've also experienced the combination of respecting someone and them not leading. I didn't realize how much anxiety it produced because I subconsciously was prepared for them to leave as soon as they felt like being single again. Like, you finally have a top 20% guy and you realize that they're as much the "chooser" as you. All the anxiety went away as soon as he chose me back, and took ownership and leadership of the next stage of the relationship. I…
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/22 03:08 PM
2

As a psychologist, I appreciate this response :) I think it's another correct way of framing the question. Now I wish I knew what your inflammatory perspective is haha, DM me if you feel like sharing.
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/22 03:04 PM
3

I like to do "teetotal months" every now and then, and I'm ready for you, Sober September. My boyfriend and I plan to pull some cards from this "couples questions" deck. As you might have noticed from some of my earlier posts, our old relationship died and a better one took its place, but we need to rebuild this month. I have some goals surrounding undergraduate student mentorship this month - I need to get the morale up to work on some big projects. Specifically, I need to nail down the specifi…
/r/RedPillWomen31/08/22 11:42 PM
1

Yeah, maybe that statement isn't actually accurately representing his perspective. There are seasons of life where it's really hard to find people you click with. You end up hanging out with whomever is available/shares interests with you. Those people phase out naturally. Then, there are the friends that you grow apart from. Those people phase out too. Only a small subset of relationships go the distance, and while the other categories of friends are replaced with time and location, the kindred…
/r/RedPillWomen26/08/22 08:00 PM
2

Great point, and something to keep in mind. Especially if I start to see things on the decline. I want the best for him, but I told him as we were breaking up that the idea that he wanted to sleep with other women was a difficult image to be left with. Anyways, that's a separate issue - it just means we can't be friends - the real truth of what you say is that I love him and this relationship should only proceed if it's on his terms, too. I think he's at a confusing time in his life where he has…
/r/RedPillWomen26/08/22 06:40 PM
2

Hey, I'm still re-reading these and still thinking. I'd love to hear more about your 10 year relationship, if you're willing to share (DM or here). How did that go? Did he keep trying to break up with you and get you back? Did you guys just coast along while he kept pushing on the breaks? Did he ever step up and take charge of progressing the relationship, or did he act like a passenger the whole time? What kinds of things did you try to implement to change it?
/r/RedPillWomen26/08/22 06:27 PM
1

Clearly, it's a tough one for both of us to give up! He's willing to make an "exception" for me and I'm willing to be an exception...
/r/RedPillWomen26/08/22 06:20 PM
2

You have not rained on my parade! On the contrary, you remind me that my boyfriend isn't so unusual with his fears, and the fact that you resonate with some of his insights shows me that he was able to get in touch with them. It freaks the women on here out, but I was hoping it would be a useful look into the mind of a high-SMV dude rising into his prime. I've got some questions for you, coming from a place of wanting to learn more/ just engage in further dialogue. He thinks of most friendships …
/r/RedPillWomen26/08/22 02:34 PM
1

Thank you! Yep -- I really, truly let go, and I noticed him notice that. Letting go will help me going forward too, if we stay together: I've gone through the worst of it and was fine. And that his epiphany was so convincing that he was able to bring me back from my place of genuinely being ready to move on. I don't think that what he was experiencing was that unusual. I think the way he handled it was. It demonstrated his strong conscience that he could not continue in the relationship until he…
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 07:26 PM
1

Thanks! Something that might be different with my situation is that he stated throughout all phases of the breakup (including before going on the break, during the breakup, and again during reconciliation) that he could see us staying together for life. It's the intensity of that recognition combined with these immaturities that freaked him out. The intensity of his reaction sort of makes it more believable that he can picture our future, as long as we can grow together.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 07:23 PM
0

Omg!! Thank you. I do respect him and I do feel as though he's self-sabotaging. He sees a long-term future with me and was just scared of how real it felt. I hope he keeps unpacking all of the insights he had. And the authentic displays of love and active participation in moving our relationship forward is a need that I have, that I plan to express to him this evening.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 06:43 PM
2

That could for sure happen with us! I think another reason I'm willing to give it a second shot is because I know that my intuition won't let me proceed past a few weeks, or a couple months, if I'm not seeing the behavior changes I need to. I also know that my bf's intuition and conscience are strong and obvious when he's experiencing cognitive dissonance. If it ends swiftly, then not much additional time will be lost. But there's something that feels promising about this whole situation. When w…
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 06:19 PM
2

Yeah, my bad guys... part of me wanted to argue against the skeptics to see how it felt, and it feels like an important test. The fact that the title is misleading explains why I felt like it was a little unfair that some women on this sub are celebrated for using RP principles to invite commitment from men (as a commenter said, behavior change in others prompted by behavior change in you is a key tenet of RP), but that I was getting the "you don't respect yourself!" comments. I get that I haven…
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 06:09 PM
6

Your conclusions are accurate, thanks for verbalizing them. I guess I'll take the opportunity to list what I love about him: He's kind, and has the best intentions (even if a bit immature). We're great communicators, but only in the areas in which we are self aware. We solve problems well together - a reason why our breakup has been a rollercoaster is because we're problem-solving together as we go. We have complete lifestyle compatibility: we trailrun and climb together, cook together, tons of …
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 04:15 PM
2

Thank you for the well-wishes. I don't actually know how much the video played a role. All of the insights I listed had little to do with the video. It might have nudged him to think of broader directions of personal growth that had to do with his sense of individuality and ability to take leaps of faith. His gears were already turning by the time I sent it. I just thought that it's great content, RP-relevant, and worth linking.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 03:33 PM
4

What do you think about the phrase "faith that has been questioned and persists is stronger than faith that has never been questioned?"
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 03:28 PM
12

His promises of commitment are definitely built on shakey ground. I think I'll take your advice and set a grace period. It's worth giving it a second shot, and people in this thread will just have to accept that personal choice. I learned that I could trust my gut through this whole ordeal.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 03:12 PM
4

Yeah, I understand that. That's why it took a full breakup for him to reconsider, because I couldn't be the one motivating the change. I take your point though. I like the idea of giving him a concrete grace period and then reevaluating whether the leadership and confidence he displayed the other day persists.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 03:10 PM
2

He's far more self-aware and thoughtful than average though.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 02:57 PM
7

I think that one of the things that was so convincing about his epiphany was the sudden confidence and leaderlike disposition that came over him when he asked me to try again. Perhaps a good litmus test for whether his actions will match his words will be in whether that confidence and leadership persists. It was definitely trust-inspiring. You're right about how he's also trusting both me and himself. I know I should stay a little cautious though! Thanks for your comment.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 02:50 PM
7

Okay, I'll bite, but only if you watch the video I linked and can give a reason why A) the fears that men like my boyfriend have aren't legitimate and common, and B) why you think it's so impossible that somebody could change their mindset? Comments like this are so easily cast aside to me because I assume you didn't read my earlier posts and are unwilling to watch the video I linked.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 02:46 PM
1

My friends who know us both think otherwise.
/r/RedPillWomen25/08/22 02:25 PM
1

My mind is totally blown. I feel like it's worth another update but I don't even care to vent anymore!
/r/RedPillWomen24/08/22 03:35 PM
1

You won't believe this (or maybe you will) but that's exactly what just happened. I just witnessed a seismic shift in him that I expected to happen over our break but happened in the last couple days. woah .....
/r/RedPillWomen23/08/22 09:27 PM
1

Nah, I've never succeeded and never tried. I do have a strong need to understand them when I'm trying to give myself closure though. I think I have pretty good boundaries with people who need "fixing" - not my job.
/r/RedPillWomen23/08/22 12:37 PM
1

Trust me, it took weeks! I made good use of the break :) also, my mom remembers things I've told her about him that I forget. He did think the break was a full breakup, and even that didnt seem to lead to any change. But he also didn't realize that getting back together was an option. Also, I think he needs a third party to do this processing - ideally a therapist, but I'll do too (still can't believe he barely talked to anyone on the break, no wonder he got nowhere). So the combo of full breaku…
/r/RedPillWomen23/08/22 12:27 PM
1

I'm so happy to hear that. I know I could benefit from going back to therapy too, so I used this as an impetus to fill out an intake form. I thought, when we were back together for 24 hours, that if our relationship ended for good, it would be in the coming months. I didn't expect it to immediately feel off. That said, if it really took a full breakup for him to actually do the work, then I think I could revert to some kind of grace period for him since that was always part of the plan. A less a…
/r/RedPillWomen23/08/22 12:13 PM
4

Aw, thank you!! It isn't totally closed for us - we still haven't finished our conversation. Thanks for following along. I think this story belongs here because it can be what happens when you HVW you way (not to toot my own horn) into a relationship with a guy who isn't ready. People come here thinking they can change their men, and it doesn't work. Well, we'll see what my ex says next time we talk. He just asked for another day to formulate his thoughts so that we can talk more productively. I…
/r/RedPillWomen22/08/22 08:09 PM
1

At first, I thought that therapy was just a suggestion, but now I think that individual or couples' therapy is a condition for making me feel safe enough to get back together. I hadn't realized how deep his anxieties go and how diverse his symptoms are. I don't think he knows where to even start to begin working on it, and I think his unreadiness is more an unreadiness to work on himself. If he's motivated enough by the thought of what he could lose, and recognizes both the value of working on h…
/r/RedPillWomen03/08/22 09:13 PM
1

Hm, is it simple though? The saying "love isn't always enough" seems to be a truism as well. You can love someone but not be ready to put in the work, and still think it's a kindness to your love interest to break it off.
/r/RedPillWomen03/08/22 07:40 PM
1

Yeah. Since people on reddit don't know my guy, I will say that he thinks he isn't cut out for relationships in general and is not trying to play the field. I think he thinks it's either me or nobody, and had been going through life not wanting a relationship with anyone and is willing to return to that. He does seem to want the emotional aspects of the relationship to stay in tact though by staying friends, and I agree that he doesn't realize that it's unfair. Agree with your last paragraph.
/r/RedPillWomen03/08/22 06:49 PM
2

You knocked it out of the park! Thanks for reading everything so thoroughly.
/r/RedPillWomen02/08/22 10:46 PM
2

Both of these replies are very valuable to me. As you could probably guess, I've consumed an immense amount of wisdom from different sources over the last couple days. It's been all I've been capable of doing! Comments like those of /u/DelicateDevelopment that advocate for a radical amount of grace fill an important role in my spectrum of reactions. Now that I'm a little more emotionally stable today, I have found myself in an almost stoic middle ground where I can hold all of these different pe…
/r/RedPillWomen02/08/22 08:26 PM
2

I hope you find comment(s) in this post helpful to your situation!
/r/RedPillWomen02/08/22 07:34 PM
3

Yeah, he does. I'd say our relationship is built on respect. We met in class and are in the same Ph.D. program. Later realized that we're both deeply curious people who share a sense of humor and sense of a good time. He was always vocal about what he loves about us, more than anyone I've been with. And it always struck me to my core because he loves what I'm dying to be loved for. My kryptonite, ugh!!
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 10:06 PM
3

I wonder if he'll realize that "you can't come home to a career" even just during our 2 weeks apart. He says that when I'm on vacation, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He basically admits that "reading, writing, and exercise" isn't enough.
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 10:02 PM
3

Thank you, I can tell that you're speaking from experience by the way you discuss the academic lifestyle. I suspect he doesn't realize what he has. I told him something that I hope he interprets as believing in his dreams yesterday. I told him that the reason I hadn't been in a LTR before him was because I believed that I only had a linear route through my career, and I couldn't let anyone derail that or I would basically fall to my death lol. But for him, I would do something unpredictable. I w…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 10:00 PM
8

Thank you. I'm catsitting for my friends and playing their video games. Calling my mom three times a day. Tapping into online communities. It's starting to get easier already.
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 09:45 PM
5

Thanks, you and u/Southernbelllle got through to me on these comments. That was one of my mantras for how to get over him for these two weeks. It's okay to feel a little used, even though we had a mutual agreement that we both put a lot of effort towards.
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 09:44 PM
7

Yeah, it's a big deal. I always saw it as a symptom rather than a cause though. But it's a symptom that snowballs. We're in a dry spell right now due to unfortunate vacation nonoverlap. The first dry spell was when we were on another precipice of getting serious. It seems like his libido tanks when he's concerned about the relationship. That time, he was specifically concerned about the sexual novelty aspect and his ability to deal with it. So we came up with a plan, and restored some novelty to…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 09:12 PM
4

This is a really tough age for men on the up-and-up. We're both academics finishing graduate school and his work is his first love. He always put me first so it never bothered me, but his decision comes down to where his priorities actually are at this point in time.
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 06:48 PM
5

Thank you so much for this comment. I basically agree with much of what you say. It's NOT a clear breakup. But maybe it should be. We'll see how it shakes out. I think he was intimated by the fact that I was more outcome-oriented than him (starting the book on the final page), and, ironically, outcome orientation clearly weighs much more heavily on him than it does on me. I think I really need to go full no-contact for these two weeks, but I like the example questions you list. It's so hard to f…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 06:46 PM
4

All true stuff. The thing that makes it tough is that you could say my man is latently redpilled: he thinks that his 20s are for building himself and his 30s are for settling down. He thought this before we met, at least, and managed to redefine his identity to an extent. He actually dreams of a family, but his mental age has a lot of catching up to do. Also, he didn't want the break, I did (because I could tell how confused he was). He wanted to keep the closeness without "scary" things like co…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 06:39 PM
5

Oof. In our convesation last night, he did say that one of his fears was that he was "slow." Like, even if we wanted the same things as me, he wasn't in a rush. And fair - I'm not running towards marriage at the moment. I just want someone i can rely on. I said, "okay, there are two kinds of slow. Slow and communicative, where you're setting a pace you're both comfortable but keeping on top of your shared goals. And then there's slow because the other person is wasting the other's time." He seem…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 06:33 PM
5

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, but I don't think our experiences map on to each other's in this situation. I know the type of guy you're talking about, though. He actually wanted the opposite of a break: to just be friends and hang on to the value that we offer each other, but without the romantic aspect. I was the one who called for the break even though I'm mentally screaming. He started off the conversation trying to break up, and then flipped on me and started speaking as though this was …
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 06:28 PM
7

Thanks for help letting go. Could you elaborate on what information you're referring to? Because towards the end of our conversation, he started acting like our conversation was an important choice point in what could become a lasting committed relationship. I admit that focusing on that is positivity bias, but we could have a situation in which a break is constructive. Typical internet, but I sort of wish I were reading more nuanced takes like the top commenter, but maybe I'm shooting myself in…
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 03:23 PM
15

Thank you. This was empathetic and exactly what I needed to hear.
/r/RedPillWomen01/08/22 02:16 PM
5

There's a lot to get into and I have some complicated feelings about all the interviewees present, but I just want to chime in that Koko might look unhappy to American viewers, but I think her presentation might be cultural. I'm Finnish, not Croatian, but I don't agree that she looks sad. Finnish women present similarly; just see any Sanna Marin interview. She's highly successful but also self-disclosed as domestic and is visibly thriving.
/r/RedPillWomen24/07/22 01:20 AM
7

I've been watching a lot of Aly's content and I've come to really value her point of view. She seems like a focused woman who's had to sort her values out and then authentically live by that, and it comes out in how she speaks. It's just my opinion, but I'm somewhat critical of Pearl. My first exposure to her was an interview with wheatwaffles and this interview kind of confirms it: it seems like her selling point is being "a girl" who had "an upbringing." Furthermore, the good girl brand while …
/r/RedPillWomen23/07/22 03:07 PM
42

I feel like a proper answer to this question would take a lot of thought, but my first impulse would be to dichotomize like it's done with the men's list. I find it interesting that the men's list treats "alpha" and "beta" as two spectra with an attractive pole and an unattractive pole, instead of the usual conception of them being polar opposites on the same spectrum. With women, perhaps the dichotomy would be "madonna/whore" inspired. In other words, sex appeal versus innocence, since both can…
/r/RedPillWomen19/07/22 04:42 PM
15

Aw, it made MY heart sing to hear a story from another STEM Ph.D. student on here. Lately I feel like I've made it known more and I wonder sometimes if anyone else can relate or if I'm off in a different dimension (where the same rules apply, as you've also highlighted here). I definitely feel like I get treated more as a peer by other women in the department (including more senior people) the more put together I look. Men don't seem to care as much, but I think having self-respect goes a long w…
/r/RedPillWomen14/07/22 03:58 PM
1

I don't mean being assertive, I just mean continuing to invest in yourself (whatever that means to you).
/r/RedPillWomen13/07/22 02:19 AM
2

Hehe you sound like me. The advice I'd give to myself (which I think I've done a decent job at) is: remember you aren't interviewing for the girlfriend position. You're "attracting" someone. So keep being an interesting and cultivated person. Smart women use their intelligence to further their own lives AND be attentive to their partners so they can learn and understand their partner's life better. It sounds a bit like he has the upper hand right now, but it's hardly begun so you have time to ma…
/r/RedPillWomen13/07/22 12:52 AM
2

What a cool guy! Asking mutuals is always good, I did the same. And I think the fact that you studied the same thing is really promising. What I actually meant was to read up on the structure of the program, like what the courses and requirements were, just to step into his shoes. Less about asking him to talk about his field and more about sympathizing with the experience. It sounds like he was justified in his overwhelmed response. I'd say keep some healthy skepticism about his emotional avail…
/r/RedPillWomen13/07/22 12:19 AM
4

It sounds like you're focusing on self-care and that it comes from an authentic place, so I'd say just keep it up and enjoy! One suggestion is to read up on his program and learn as much as you can about his field and the course of study he just completed. And don't even be ashamed to admit you read about it. I don't know if I can apply my experience as a grad student and dating another grad student, but I've seen how important it is for grad students to feel understood by the people they intera…
/r/RedPillWomen12/07/22 11:36 PM
10

Well, I don't have an opinion really because I didn't approach dating him like I was trying to climb any ladders. He was very down to earth and his family made me feel comfortable. I think that my comfort around his parents was a reflection of old money "chillness" and also the fact that they're were/are political family. I don't want to diss him even anonymously because my ex is a great dude. I broke up with him as a freshman in college for reasons that elude me now; I was very inexperienced wi…
/r/RedPillWomen04/07/22 12:34 AM
6

I don't think you're going to get a lot of traction on this one! The only reason I'm aware of the very specifically Texan appreciation for catillion and the like is because I have a friend from there who talked about it like it was something the rest of us understood or could relate to, haha. Interestingly, my first serious boyfriend in college came from a rich family in Texas. It took me years to figure out that they were one of THE richest families in Texas, because I wouldn't have guessed it …
/r/RedPillWomen03/07/22 11:27 PM
6

This isn't a direct response to the question, but reflects the general vibe behind your post I think: My friend once caught her first glimpse of how "childlike" (I guess) I can be in love and I think it surprised her, since I like to exude competence to most friends and acquaintances (with some free spiritedness mixed in still). I sensed a little emotional pushback about it (like dude, snap out of it!) because I think we're the sort of friends that have a certain level of discernment in common, …
/r/RedPillWomen27/06/22 07:33 PM
1

If I were to weigh in on this, I'd respond with many of the things that have already been said! Interesting post on Incremental Reciprocation too, thanks for linking it /u/SunshineSundress The only thing I'll add is that, during the turning point in my relationship, I was lucky enough that boyfriend actually verbalized his thought process. He had gotten enough of a glimpse of my life that he could tell that every major decision I had made up until that point was done with intention and nuance. I…
/r/RedPillWomen22/06/22 03:48 PM
2

Great concise response. Hit the nail on the head. Thanks!
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 06:51 PM
1

Thanks for the link! I'm a psychology Ph.D. student so I was excited to have something to read, and I read through the whole paper. I don't know what Blackpill people are saying about this, but I don't consider it that depressing. Not surprised that pride was the most attractive male emotion. Because it is an informative emotion; it indicates status. Shame was attractive in both men and women because it indicates sincerity, trustworthiness, and respect for norms. That actually supports the idea …
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 06:50 PM
2

A good way to cap off an interesting discussion! Here's my word vomit in indirect response to yours. It seems like nobody understands what "vulnerability" even means. It's a super heterogeneous concept that varies by person and relationship context. This thread has shown me that, to many women, anger didn't register as legitimate emotional expression until they really started to mature in their relationships. Until then, it was: "Be vulnerable with me... wait no, not like that!" One possible rea…
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 06:05 PM
2

That seems consistent with other things ive observed/heard. That really sucks that he knows it's hurtful and still can't reign it in. I'm glad to read that it doesn't happen too often. Thanks, yourself, for your reply!
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 02:12 AM
1

I think of openness this way too, and it's always surprising to me when I'm sitting across the table from my boyfriend's friends and am able to teach them all about each other by asking fairly basic questions lol
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 02:07 AM
1

Do you think this is generational at all? Regardless of that, the masculinity that was modeled to me actually doesn't fit some of these anecdotes. I have a close relationship with my dad, and I very predictably modeled my masculine ideals off of him: he never sought status but still managed to become recognized as a top scientist in his field, he's thoughtful and principled, he expresses his creativity by cooking for his family after work, never got angry, is emotionally open, and cries a LOT, e…
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 02:05 AM
2

Lol, good reference. Makes sense from the male perspective. From my perspective, I think women are looking for a barometer all the time for where their relationship is at. They want their man to express positive emotions obviously, to know that he's happy with his life (especially with her in it). If the emotions are negative, she might have a nurturing instinct (if the relationship is healthy) and wants to be his point person and the person he confides in. There's pride in that too. Very rarely…
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 01:55 AM
2

Glad this struck a chord with you, and I'm sure you aren't the only one who reacted this way. It seems like the men's subs vilify this pattern indiscriminately, like people are reacting to trauma rather than thinking through individual cases and what the underlying dynamics were of those relationships. It seems like both of your examples were times when the emotional displays were just emphasizing the sadness when you both realized things weren't going to work out. Desperation is a hard emotion …
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 01:48 AM
1

Hm okay this is another side of the story that I was really hoping to see here, because I should have included it in the list of alternative explanations in the OP. The idea of empathy towards the issues of other genders is a skewed interchange when you look at it from a distance: even though men and women have distinct issues that they deal with, the life experiences of many women are literally unimaginable to many men and can be absolutely lifechanging in ways they can't understand. Women are …
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 01:42 AM
2

That's a good story and definitely sounds memorable. I've had similar instances of clear emotional expression from men in my life that never pushed me away, so I get how you must have felt to see a guy show his soft side!
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 01:35 AM
2

Very useful for us all, thank you! Great insight on how anger is a secondary emotion. I think your statement captures a big theme in all of these responses. Thanks for chiming in. I can't relate to everything you said personally because I don't live with my partner yet, but it's consistent with what I hear and what I imagine.
/r/RedPillWomen06/06/22 01:34 AM
3

I can't tell from what you've written, but I do agree a bit with /u/Proclarian: it seems more like your husband is taking out his frustration and anxiety on you than it does that he's being vulnerable. If he's angry at whatever made him frustrated and wants to yell about it, then that's one thing, but if he's starting fights over things in your domestic life just because he's baseline angry, that doesn't seem like he's processing or accessing the underlying emotions at all (if we are to define v…
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 02:16 PM
2

I responded above to how I relate to the confusion of how annoyances could cause a lasting anger response so I totally feel you. Do you find that your partner is receptive to any kind of soothing? Or does he have to self-soothe first/let it play out before there's anything you can do to help?
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 02:10 PM
3

I totally feel you! Early on, I realized that things I would consider "annoying" or "unfortunate" were enough to provoke a lasting anger response in my bf. It sort of disturbed me because it's natural to imagine anger being directed at me someday. But now I realize that sharing his anger with me is another way of working through it, which is actually the less aggressive outcome to that sort of flare-up. When he's feeling emotional and knows that telling me would make him feel better, I gotta tak…
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 02:08 PM
6

I'm with you. But my bf and I don't live together and have only been together for a year and a half, so I wondered if I just hadn't gotten to this "phase" yet. On the other hand, I think I do a good job of understanding and talking him through work and interpersonal frustrations. We've learned to talk though sexual issues very openly. He got so sick with COVID that it laid him low and he cried right into me. When I think about all these times, I feel honored to have someone to speak openly with,…
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 02:03 PM
3

Absolutely. Women might have more positive experiences with opening up with each other, which counters the times we've been burned. For example, no sooner did I post this reddit question than I went out with my friend to a bar with party games. We picked out the "question asking card game" that was a deck of semi-vulnerable questions to ask each other. Normal activity for me (if well-timed considering this thread), but probably not for most men.
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 01:58 PM
5

Thank you so much for giving an example; that's what I was hoping to get a chance to read here! And it looks like a lot of women are agreeing, so clearly your response was on point. And I'm sorry to hear of your husband's family strife. I'm glad he has you to talk to, even if we're all learning when and how to STFU sometimes. I was reacting to the reddit threads when I posted this, but as I read through these responses, I'm realizing that deep down I was especially interested in this generalized…
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 01:55 PM
1

It's definitely rough out there.
/r/PurplePillDebate26/05/22 07:13 PM
2

Edit: it was a good point to bring up for the sake of argument but maybe neither nuanced nor healthy lol -- I think this a nuanced and healthy take for sure. The person you're responding to is also correct in their own way, just on a more basic level. Early on, when there is honeymoon-phase sex and little commitment, the couple has to take two simultaneous leaps of faith to transition to the next stage. It's hard for us to be empathetic towards this fear, but I think it's genuinely daunting for …
/r/RedPillWomen26/05/22 07:08 PM
3

I'm starting to get so bored of these "intersexual dynamics debates" because each "side" uses the same argument but comes at it from a different perspective. You hear women say that they have the worse ROI too, because women notoriously date a man's potential, whereas men date a woman for the here-and-now. The saying, "women marry a man hoping she can change them, and men marry a woman hoping she'll never change" demonstrates this. And since women who approach dating like this almost always fail…
/r/PurplePillDebate26/05/22 06:51 PM
37

This!! RP, to me, is about navigating the modern sexual marketplace and understanding what men and women each value, as well as the ways that understanding can promote better intersexual dynamics. It's relative to the social context people find themselves in too (not always religious), and "high value" is defined in relation to the values of the individual. I also notice that people treat "traditionalism" as RP-in-a-box without making an effort to look into original RP content from the early day…
/r/RedPillWomen24/05/22 10:53 PM
20

Good for you girl! I also am training in a technical and male-dominated field on a limited budget, so it was fun for me to think of the ways that I keep the balance. I think the key is not just following advice in certain areas, but to cultivate an interest in those areas and make them a hobby of sorts that you want to grow in. Here are some ways that have helped me, or ways that I feel differentiate me from the ways many of my male colleagues live: (obvious) focus on the home. But beyond basic …
/r/RedPillWomen23/05/22 12:22 PM
1

Minimalist and simple with lots of color. I have some holdover from skater girl-chic late teens and early 20s (cargo pants, street wear brands, T shirt dresses, palladium shoes) which has matured into un-fussy silhouettes but a little more feminine than before. I naturally gravitate towards scandi looks since that's what my mom looks good in and I steal her clothes (and we're from there), which has a lot in common with Japanese minimalist style. Uniqlo plays hard in my closet! My look can be a b…
/r/RedPillWomen23/05/22 12:41 AM
1

I actually unironically enjoy Alexander Grace and he just announced that he's been with his woman for 10 years, they live together, and have a daughter. Explains why he's better than the rest imo.
/r/PurplePillDebate20/05/22 11:43 PM
1

I'm glad it was helpful! I'm totally not an expert in this area but I guess I have a lot of thoughts because my bf has surprised me in this area. Early on, when emotions ran hotter, he let slip, "I don't even know if I believe in marriage." I told him that I did. That was all that was said. Then, we went to our first wedding together, and he was the best man and had to write a pro-marriage toast haha. This got him thinking more, and he asked me about whether I'd ever want a wedding like that. De…
/r/RedPillWomen20/05/22 05:14 PM
1

There might be some important marriage-related conversations that would be useful to have before The "marriage talk." Conversations about how you view marriage, what your templates are for married couples, your feelings on your friends' spouses or lack thereof, the sorts of weddings you like and don't like. Those conversations lay the necessary foundation to the marriage discussion because otherwise you don't know if you're even picturing the same thing or idealize different aspects of marriage.…
/r/RedPillWomen20/05/22 04:13 PM
1

Thanks for tuning in! Your comment reminded me of how sometimes we end up loving the things that we were at first the most averse to. Or, in other cases, have to guard against resenting the things we initially loved. I personally think we should be happy to have active partners. I identify with you too, with having to push myself toward productive hobbies sometimes. My guy and I don't live together yet, but I often think about how things would change if we did. He needs his personal space so I c…
/r/RedPillWomen17/05/22 11:02 PM
12

This is a good comment. I will also add, from experience, that somebody's resources can sometimes obscure your ability to judge compatibility and even their character traits sometimes. It can be too easy to equate wealth with success, but if it's inherited money sometimes it takes a while to get to know how the availability of resources has impacted their personality growing up. My sliver of a glimpse into this world through an ex showed me that sometimes the truly self-motivated and purposeful …
/r/RedPillWomen16/05/22 02:54 PM
10

I'm not a mom and I can't presume to know anything about your health journey, but when I read that you're staying home to focus on your health, it jumped out at me as something that would be counterproductive if it were me. It just seems a bit like you're choosing to make your world smaller. Are you able to achieve the same health goals while also meeting new people and learning new skills out in the world? You might feel more satisfied if you're able to explore your capabilities outside of the …
/r/RedPillWomen16/05/22 01:56 PM
3

I hear you loud and clear my dude, and appreciate your perspective on this. Unfortunately we're academics, and this work both expects it to be embraced as a lifestyle and selects for people who want to spend their time this way. That doesnt make it any less exploitative, but at least people like my boyfriend feel like they're getting paid to do what they love. Even the ways he relaxes is by reading academic books and articles. I mentioned in another comment, but ever since I took an empathetic a…
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 10:28 PM
1

I see I can't dm you, but I'm a fan of the contour! Ipsy has gotten really good lately. They send me a lot of sheet masks and eye creams, which makes it instantly worth the (low) cost to me. Cool, you work in healthcare? What kinds of certifications is your husband studying for?
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 06:36 PM
1

I should not take cute texts for granted and you've inspired me to screenshot that one. Also classic him, working first thing on a Sunday morning. Congrats on the Sephora gig, you must have impressed them! I like the natural look quite a bit although it's ironically actually causing me to wear more makeup now that there are more light coverage options. I get Ipsy bags in the mail and received one yesterday, which means that I get to experiment with what I got today! They gave me a bronzer that I…
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 02:05 PM
1

I often find myself imagining the sort of home we could have together, with his books and my plants combined. There's pluses and minuses to living separately and I do enjoy the very real effect of absence making the heart grow fonder. I'm often bored and want to chit chat haha! You seem cool - even though you can't tell from my post history, I love good makeup on the cheap and Project Pan as well! Edit: omg perfect timing, I just received two texts this very moment. 1) "I'm writing right now." A…
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 01:15 PM
1

Yeah, I was particularly impatient once and he actually called me out on it. That was an important moment because it was the beginning of this reframing. Ever since I took the empathetic approach, he's become more vulnerable about overwork and his relationship to it. My guy isn't the type to write notes but he's been a great texter - never missed a day in the 1.3 years we've been together, and always responding thoughtfully and trying to make me laugh. I know he's got a pic of us on his phone an…
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 12:58 PM
1

I'm also more type B. It sounds like your man's work comes in waves from external sources. That's really sweet that you're able to provide all that for him. My boyfriend and I don't live together so unfortunately the most helpful thing I can do for him is to stay out of the way :/ I guess that's why I cared enough about the topic to post this. I tend to miss him when he's busy.
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 12:41 PM
2

Everything I posted is true but also said with the hope that the balance doesn't tip towards work in the future. Sorry you were in that situation - I know how confusing it is to try to be supportive of a job while also coming second. My bf and I are both PhD students and there is a sense in which we're all expected to be this busy. And then, once we graduate and do well, we're "rewarded" with a whole career of being this busy. Right now, we see each other all the time because we link up on campu…
/r/RedPillWomen15/05/22 12:19 PM
3

Thanks for your input! I like that this dynamic works for you guys. I think, if my guy and I lived together, I'd take a similar approach. Also, lol @ "do you really want to think about this on a Sunday." AGREED! Was there ever a time when you were concerned about whether you were witnessing workaholism? Until I got to know my bf's patterns, I was concerned that he would never be satisfied, or that I might eventually start coming in second place if I didn't push back against his work identity. I'…
/r/RedPillWomen14/05/22 08:42 PM
11

These comments resonate with me too. It's strange how this community attracts sexually conservative types, as well as the "optimizer" types. In my experience, people of similar SVM will have had a similar number of sexual opportunities over their life before settling down, and it becomes more about your track record in whom you chose, how many you chose, and why you chose them. A sexually compatible and successful couple, in my mind, is made up of two high-value individuals who are "sharp shoote…
/r/RedPillWomen05/05/22 05:11 PM
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