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ng_rddt Archive

View 3 posts and 201 comments by ng_rddt on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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5

There’s different ways of looking at this. One is to be happy that they are independent and not failing in life (and thus contacting you for money, trauma dumping, etc). Another is to enjoy the peace and opportunity to live your own life. A third is to be upset that, after everything you did for them, they don’t seem to care about you. A fourth is to be resentful of their mother taking up their time. Each of these has some degree of validity. Maybe you cycle through all four of them from time to…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 11:48 AM
4

Could you (OP) do me a favor and read the book the Gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment by Dr Shawn smith? It seems like you tried to vet the last wife and it still failed—I wonder if any advice in that book would’ve helped you? Please DM me if you finish the book as I genuinely curious if his advice would’ve helped you, or maybe there is something he left out? I’ve used that book as a guide and it has been helpful for me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:02 PM
1

The flaw in your comment is that he kept asking the women to emotionally connect by asking if anything was wrong and he did sense that things were off and asked them…but they didn’t engage
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 11:58 AM
5

Currently, you have no goal or sense of purpose, and thus no hope or energy for the future. In part, that is because you, like many of us, previously lived a life according to an external goal that society, our parents and our ex-wife told us to adopt. We were supposed to be the provider/father/husband for a family. We accepted that harness around our neck gladly, and we pulled the plow for decades. Now you need to find something different, a new North Star, one that comes from inside of you. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 11:21 AM
1

It varies by state. In Common law (separate property) states (like New Jersey, New York, etc.), the non-signing spouse is generally not personally responsible for the debt if only one spouse signed the loan (and the other spouse didn’t) however Jointly owned property may still be affected. Talk to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 12:17 PM
1

The biological mother can take away all access to the child from the nonbiological father with a snap of her fingers. If the courts would recognize the rights of loving, committed nonbiological fathers, that would strengthen your case.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 12:12 PM
3

Tell AI that you want to get a divorce due to x y z and watch it agree with you. Then tell it you don’t want a divorce and watch it agree with you. Women are more likely than men to use AI for relationship advice (8% vs 11%, which is a 37% increase). https://www.pewresearch.org/chart/men-are-more-likely-than-women-to-say-they-use-chatbots-for-search-work/
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 01:50 PM
0

I think there are two issues here: her finances and your emotions. The finances are the easy part: meet with an accountant and work out a way to separate your finances. Then, you can just shrug your shoulders and let go of your worries about her finances. If she wants to renovate, then you can each equally contribute. If she needs a loan to it her half, she can sign for it alone. The other part, the emotional part, that is on you. You are the one who is choosing to be disgusted and upset. Furthe…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 11:37 AM
2

Most women who date much older men are looking for money or have emotional issues. You are chasing them for their youth and they are accepting your advances because of your money. If you have cash to burn and are willing to let crazy into your life, that is your choice. Most of us learned, after our divorce, how dangerous that can be. You may think: well, we’re not getting married and I’m just having fun. But all she needs to do is file an assault claim with the police or start posting on instag…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 12:45 PM
6

It’s worth reminding ourselves that for any transactional system to exist, both parties have to agree to it: what this means is that this lopsided situation exist because MEN allow it. Everyone who gets married knows about the divorce stats and alimony/child support requirements. We have all heard of prenups. Yet few of us had the balls to insist on one. So I think the important question to ask, if we really want to solve this problem, is why are men so stupid? I think part of the answer is that…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 01:22 PM
2

As we get older, men enter into andropause, the male equivalent of menopause, but it occurs much more gradually. Testosterone goes down, which reduces sex drive and the biological pull of a relationship
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:58 AM
-3

Could this be a false memory? May be worth talking to a therapist who has expertise on this area. From my limited understanding, obtaining objective data is the key. Cameras? Texts? Phone calls? Names? Receipts? It happened on a certain day so there are all kinds of digital traces out there.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:49 AM
4

The fact that marriage is a commitment for life is what encourages many of us to take it so seriously. The problem is that you picked a partner who didn’t. Sure, that’s her fault, but you were the one who picked her. People with BPD or other personality disorders don’t suddenly get them-they were there all along and you chose not to see the signs or you were ATTRACTED to them because of the BPD. Please read Dr Shawn Smiths The Gatepeekers book so you don’t do this a second, third and fourth time…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 10:22 AM
0

Actually, no. it says ““It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband”
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 12:14 PM
2

So sorry to hear that. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 12:29 PM
3

Where do you live that 9 years of marriage leads to a lifetime of alimony?
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 12:15 PM
1

Is she going through menopause? It can be a major factor contributing to relationship dysfunction and is sadly often under-recognized https://www.drlouisenewson.co.uk/knowledge/emotionally-supporting-each-other-when-you-are-perimenopausal-or-menopausal
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 11:39 AM
3

Read the Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn Smith—it will help you find a high quality partner
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 08:01 AM
4

It’s called parental alienation. Very common. Just google it and you will find all kinds of advice. Several helpful YouTube videos too
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:16 PM
1

Reposting this here since it may help you: I think, in hindsight, that the most difficult part was how unmoored and lost a man can feel. We lose our wife, our kids, our finances, most of our friends, and our sense of purpose. Many of us lose our jobs. You start getting attacked by the legal system. You feel as if you can’t rely on anyone; you feel as if the world has abandoned you, and it has, because the role of men in our distorted society is to be a provider. That’s why I say that you can’t i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:14 PM
2

I think most of us on this forum were sold a lie. The “happy wife, happy life” lie or the “women are the better half” lie. But we have to accept that we were stupid and chose to BELIEVE the lie. The new danger for myself, and perhaps others, is over-correcting and becoming avoidant and misogynists. You know, the guys that write “I’m done with women” or “all women are bad”. I don’t see how that is going to lead to a good place. For me, part of the answer is learning to listen to myself—am I feeli…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:10 PM
2

You’ve got it all wrong-your entire mindset seems to be about changing yourself to please women. This is a mistake because you are letting someone external dictate how you behave. You are like a dog trying to please a master in order to get some doggie treats. The partner you attract will eventually get bored of your simping. Most of the men on this forum, myself included, have been there and done that. It is better for you to do what you are passionate about and enjoy. That energy will attract …
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 11:12 AM
5

You really know how to pick them. Two in a row. Please, please, please, for the sake of your sanity, read the Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn Smith.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 11:08 AM
1

Well, the good news for you is that you can and should request alimony. Many men decline or don’t pursue alimony due to a misguided sense of chivalry, but they don’t realize that by crippling themselves by declining alimony from their wife, the men will have less money to stay engaged with their kids—the wife will use her higher income to “buy” more of the kids attention with nice gifts and vacations.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 12:37 PM
11

Mediation is not possible with an unreasonable person. This request for 102% will get thrown out in court. The court will make you pay, but the court knows that if it asks you to pay something crazy, you will just quit working and drop out and stop supporting her—and then the state has to support her, and that is the last thing the court wants. Be thankful that you have finally come to your senses and realized how stupid you were to start a relationship with her—that is on you (you chose her, af…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 11:26 AM
2

I’m glad to hear you have found helpful friends. Yes, it may feel like a nowhere land trip, but it is not. It is leading you on a journey to discover who you really are. At least for me, I spent decades under my wife’s thumb trying to please her because I believed the lie that “happy wife is a happy life”. I did not know who I was. Sounds crazy, but when your wife dictates your social schedule, what hobbies you are allowed to do, what movies/tv you watch, what you are allowed to spend money on…y…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 11:21 AM
3

Reposting a comment I previously made elsewhere with some minor changes: I think, in hindsight, that the most difficult part was how unmoored and lost a man can feel. We lose our wife, our kids, our finances, most of our friends, and our sense of purpose. Many of us struggle in our jobs due to the emotional stress of the divorce and some will even lose their jobs. You start getting attacked by the legal system. Your ex partner slanders you to everyone with false accusations. You feel as if you c…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 12:42 PM
1

It's great that you have people to talk with and are sharing your emotions. Just be a bit careful that you don't "trauma dump" on them otherwise they will start pulling back. Hire a therapist for the trauma dumping. I think at one point I had 3 therapist. One from the employee assistance program at work, one from my health insurance and one was self-pay. At the end of all this, in about 2-4 years, you will likely end up in a place where you are not bitter. The reason you will likely not be bitte…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 07:13 PM
2

I think, in hindsight, that the most difficult part was how unmoored and lost a man can feel. We lose our wife, our kids, our finances, most of our friends, and our sense of purpose. Many of us lose our jobs. You start getting attacked by the legal system. You feel as if you can’t rely on anyone; you feel as if the world has abandoned you, and it has, because the role of men in our distorted society is to be a provider. That’s why I say that you can’t imagine how hard it is going to be because, …
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 01:03 PM
1

Perhaps we could phrase this issue differently—you mostly complain about these women, but let’s ask this question instead: why are we choosing to be with these dysfunctional partners? Maybe we, as men, are enjoying the drama? Maybe we like how their pathology validates us? Maybe we like “saving” them, or taking advantage of their dysfunctions . Whatever-if we don’t reflect and ask: why did I choose this basket case? we are just going to repeat the cycle for ourselves. I agree these partners are …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 01:33 PM
15

You are doing a bad job of choosing people. Read the Gatekeepers by Dr. Shawn Smith. In regards to dating, just try these simple rules: 1) If no date within 48 hours of first text, move on. 2) Arrange coffee dates. Low quality women tend to decline coffee dates since they are milking you for a free meal; any woman who expects you to wine and dine her on a first date is telling you that she views you as an ATM. And if she doesn't show up, at least you get the opportunity to have a nice cup of cof…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:35 PM
6

Sounds like you have given up and are here for validation so that you can hear from other men that they agree with your decision. Just to present the other side of things: from my experience, getting divorced is worse than you can possibly imagine. You think you can handle it, and maybe you can, but I can pretty much guarantee that the next 2-3 years will be worse than your imagination can conceive. I certainly never imagined how bad it would get. You will also, in most cases, lose access to you…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:26 PM
2

Well, there’s the saying that you can choose your friends and you can even choose your enemies, but you can’t choose your family. But seriously, if you are looking for practical advice, I would suggest starting with this approach: next time your friends/coworkers/family tries to play mind games by making an insulting/shaming statement, just ask them “why are you saying this? What is your intent here?” Sometimes, on rare occasions, that may cause them to recognize their manipulative intent.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 12:06 PM
3

You need to do a better job screening the people you let into your life. I’m a people pleaser by my genetic nature—and for this reason, I attract narcissists. I’ve since learned to detect them better: I notice how they start off with soft asks that are easy to accept as a way of testing how pliable I am, and then they move on to deeper levels of control after their initial screening of me. So I’ve learned the simple trick of just saying no about 25-50% of the time—I call it my narcissist repella…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 12:21 PM
1

Sorry to be so blunt, but this appears to be the second major relationship that is not going well for you. To avoid having this happen a third time in the future, you may want to do some self reflection. You elliptically mention that you have some faults, but most of what you write is negative shit about her. Dude, you chose your first partner with whom you had kids and you chose your current partner. That is on you. Read the Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn Smith, or get ready to repeat this shit a thir…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 12:25 PM
2

Well, apologies for being so blunt, but I would suggest you add a “third conclusion” to the two you mention: for some reason, you are choosing dysfunctional women. The good news is that this is relatively easy to address. Just read Gatekeepers by Dr Shawn Smith. It really saved my sorry ass.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 11:51 AM
2

That seems odd-you are just asking for advice . What did they find offensive? Did you have more politically incorrect comments in prior versions? What forums pulled it down?
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:19 PM
2

Where else did you post this? I’m curious to see the responses
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 11:26 AM
3

Read the book Gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment by Dr Shawn smith. Super helpful. It sounds like you have boundary issues. She has been unemployed for a year—are you covering her expenses right now? If so, Big mistake. She tested you and you passed her test with flying colors! Tell her that moving forward, you want to keep your finances separate. See how that goes.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 11:25 AM
1

Join a virtual support group for divorced men-it’s not as good as in person, but it helps Join clubs: church, dance groups, hiking, choir, habitat for humanity, rotary, gym workout groups, hunting, cycling, improv. Staying in your apartment alone is killing you with loneliness and ruminating on your ex. A club with scheduled activities will make you get out of your apartment even if you are not in the mood and you will feel better once you leave your apartment You have to get out of your apartme…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 11:35 AM
2

Personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, are characterized by low levels of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness (two of the five core personality traits; the others are openness to new experiences, extroversion, etc). So, you throw someone who is not agreeable and not conscientious into a legal dispute and yes, it becomes high conflict. The more interesting and important question is: why were you such a dipshit and choose them for a partner when all the red…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 11:20 AM
1

Join a club to learn a foreign language. Join an expat group. Join a gym-you don’t need to speak much to participate in a group zoomba exercise class
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 12:08 PM
4

First of all, I want to reassure you that you are not broken. What you are experiencing is normal. It happened to me. It would hit me like a ton of bricks, out of the blue, and sometimes I had to hold onto a railing it was so bad. Happened a few times a week. Humans are wired to be social. Depression and anxiety often result when we are pulled out of social groups, like losing our family. Men commit suicide at 5-8x the rate of women after a divorce because we have less social structures to fall …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:52 AM
1

My ex tended to use frequent shame and disapproval as one of her levers of control; I worry she is using that same approach on them. They may then internalize the notion that this is “normal” partner interaction and recreate that unhealthy dynamic in their future relationships
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:42 AM
1

If you stay in this relationship, whatever dysfunction and headaches that happen later are on you. She revealed her true nature and if you choose to disregard it or minimize it, then you will have made the mess you and your kids will be living in. We all make mistakes. It’s reasonable to give her another chance but this time set the bar very high. Tell her she has a drinking problem and you either want her to stop drinking completely for the duration of your relationship together or limit hersel…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 11:50 AM
3

Thanks for the helpful advice
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 07:32 PM
1

Interesting program-is it helpful for adult kids? I see it is about $137
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 07:18 PM
1

Yes, that is the dynamic with my ex. Only now, in hindsight, do I see that she was jealous of me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:14 PM
2

That is the catch-22, isn’t it? We want them to be independent and make their way in the world , but that may mean they lose touch with us.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:13 PM
1

True-it was that way for me
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:12 PM
1

Interesting-however, so many people on this current generation do not seem to want to have kids…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:12 PM
3

What do you think you do in those conversations to keep them engaging for him? It’s great that you talk and he must derive a sense of value from them, otherwise he would not reach out so often. I try to have an attitude of genuine curiosity and interest in who they are becoming as young men, as opposed to being judgmental or preachy
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:11 PM
1

That’s a really good point-even a declined invitation shows an effort at connection by us
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 12:09 PM
7

I may pay for the first date because I invited her out, but after that I split the bill 50/50. I want her to value me for who I am, not my money. I agree that some women may make more effort to get ready for the date, but the men usually have to make more effort to arrange/plan the date and men spend more on the dating apps to get the date. By some estimates, 80-90% of the paying customers are men https://digitalyieldgroup.com/blog/the-economics-of-attraction-gender-roi-gap-in-mobile-dating/ wit…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 11:31 AM
3

It seems like you have your eyes open. I wish you happiness on the difficult road ahead
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 02:27 PM
5

Hen for a day? I guess that means she will be having sex with other men. If she plans to be a hen for a day and told you that, then it seems very clear she is telling you she is going to have sex with other men. She is changing the rules of your marriage and it is up to you to decide whether to accept it or not. You will need to take ownership of the consequences because she is clearly communicating her plans to engage in adultery; you can’t say you weren’t warned. You’ll have to decide what kin…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 12:03 PM
1

Yes, that sense of scarcity forces us to treat each person with more dignity, and not view them as throw-away people. But false abundance is built into most apps, this inclining us towards a throw-away mentality
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 12:18 PM
1

That’s true. The apps create a sense of false abundance. They have to because otherwise people will stop using them because they will think “oh this app doesn’t have enough men/women—I’ll switch to a different app” the apps give us what we want: lots of “choices/options”. But it is an illusion. And the consequences of giving us all these choices is that we do what you mentioned: we reduce people to labels and get nit-picky because there are so many choices we need some way to filter them. Such a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 12:27 PM
2

Read the book “Codependency” by Darlene lancer. You sound like a classic case. I was one.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 11:54 AM
1

It is interesting how we are shaped in our contrast/relationship to others
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 11:51 AM
1

That’s true-there are many ways to meet people and in the past, connecting with others through friends/church was a big element. The thing is that the apps do provide us with some background info about the person before we introduce ourselves-people often mention their job or family situation (kids, pets, etc) and personal preferences (enjoy travel or exercise) in their bios, which is helpful. The other danger with dating through introductions is that if things go poorly, it can be a challenge t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 11:43 AM
2

Good luck on your journey and I wish you happiness
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 12:59 PM
4

It is, sadly true that most people on the apps, men and women, are broken. I think many are dysfunctional to begin with, and the apps make it worse. For women, the apps create a sense of false abundance, which causes them to lean into bad behavior. For most men, the apps create a sense of desperation and cynicism. The 10-20% who are sought after (due to height and good looks) take advantage of women. Unfortunately the apps are the main way to meet people now. I think the best strategy is to filt…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 12:58 PM
3

Humans are not meant to live alone. It is normal and natural that the “silence hits you”. From an evolutionary perspective, a human that was alone was vulnerable to predators or starvation. Nature programmed into us, on a cellular level, the overpowering need to live with others for survival over millions of years of evolution. There is a lot of psychobabble that we should be comfortable being alone. Like all biological processes, there is a small subset of humans that are happier alone, but the…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 12:06 PM
3

Part of the reason for this situation is that men let it continue. For example, Most of the dates I went on, I paid for the woman’s meal. I was basically telling these women that I was willing to support them through this token gesture of paying for the date as an act of “chivalry”. Before we blame women for taking advantage of the free stuff men give them (and let’s be honest—if someone gave me free stuff without accountability, I would probably take it because it is human nature), men should l…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 11:32 AM
14

As others have noted, for every deceitful woman having an affair, there is a deceitful man willing to have an affair with her. The problem that arises is more a societal perspective which preferentially absolves women while castigating men. Many of us accepted the notion that “women are superior”. We are guilty of putting them on a pedestal. Not surprisingly, our marriages failed and here we are on this divorced men forum. Many of us laid the seeds for our own divorce by putting our wives on a p…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 01:57 PM
3

There are many benefits to being with a partner in a healthy, committed relationship; the benefits I am going to list only apply for HEALTHY relationships: 1) health: both men and women live longer and healthier when in a relationship-men, especially, are known to rarely see the doctor and get checkups, and having a partner who loves us and reminds us to look after our health is good-another pair of eyes making sure we stay healthy is a good thing; 2) Financial: Sharing expenses and social secur…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 01:24 PM
5

Make sure to read Dr Shawn Smiths book: Gatekeeper: a tactical guide to commitment. It will help you avoid unhealthy partners
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 12:25 PM
3

I highly recommend you read Dr Shawn Smiths book “Gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment”. It was incredibly helpful
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 12:25 PM
3

Thx for considering my comment and replying. I’ve been a dad and raised a family. Kids are more resilient than we expect—50 years ago, parents opened the door on Saturday morning and told their 10 year old kids to have fun and come back before dark. I was that kid. I biked around the neighborhood, got food at a friends house with no parents in sight. Pissed in the woods when I needed to go to the bathroom. Fell off my bike and got a cut and didn’t go to my parents. Fell out of trees, whatever. M…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:34 PM
5

Sorry to be so blunt, but you’ve contributed to creating this situation because you stepped in and did the things for her that she wasn’t doing. For example: Assign her certain days to cook dinner and just make yourself stop rescuing her. If there is no dinner on the table, and everyone has to make their own sandwiches, so be it. You are the enabler and you self-justify it by attributing it your duties as a father.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:50 PM
2

A man who is free is a threat to society. Their labor is not being harnessed and used by others. So society does everything it can to shut that down.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 01:56 PM
1

I should’ve realized that the moment she said she wanted a divorce, we were now entering into an adversarial relationship where her primary goal was to extract as much from me as legally allowable. I dithered for nearly two years, paying more support and legal expenses than I needed to. My second mistake was not using generative AI (ChatGPT) more to guide me through the process (as a supplement to my lawyer) as that would’ve saved me 30-50% in legal fees (I could’ve used ChatGPT to limit the tim…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:51 PM
3

I’m happy for you that you’ve found a path forward. Did you get a prenup the second time around?
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 01:06 PM
3

Marriage is great. I highly recommend it. I would love for my adult kids to get married. I would advise them to get a prenup and I would tell them that a prenup actually improves the chances their marriage will last.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 12:34 PM
3

Men and women are different. When one partner expects them to be 50/50 on things, there is a hidden assumption that men and women are the same—you can only be 50/50 when the two parties are identical. Instead, I think it is healthier to just have explicit roles that acknowledge we are different. By giving primary responsibility of one task to her and primary responsibility of another task to him, there is less task overlap and room for criticism. This can be framed positively: ask each person to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:21 PM
1

The dating apps worked well for me…once I figured it out. Some simple rules: 1. The fake profiles are obvious in most cases 2. About 50-60% of people are just looking for a chat buddy. If they don’t want to meet after 2-3 days, they are either a fake profile or looking for a chat buddy 3. It’s a numbers game-you neeed to look at a lot of profiles… 4. It will be expensive. You need to send paid likes to succeed, unfortunately 5. Make an effort to improve your photos and profile-get advice from ot…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 12:54 PM
6

I’ll be blunt: the reason you have no friends left is because you were never really there to begin with. You were not being your true self. Instead, you lived the role of subservient husband in her shadow. She probably set up your social calendar and chose your friends for you. A lot of men do this because we are socially lazy. Now you have to do the hard work of figuring out who you are and what kind of people you can authentically connect with. Stop whining in Reddit posts about how bad your f…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:14 PM
2

Grey divorces typically happen around menopause. Menopause is a very traumatic event for women were they have dramatic and sudden drops in estrogen. They literally transform into another person over a year. It’s unpredictable and hard to know what the outcome will be. For men, we go through a drop in testosterone, but it occurs gradually over decades so we have time to adjust. Since I’m older, I tried to only date women post menopause.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 01:21 PM
3

I’m not sure one can “attract” healthy women—it’s more about filtering for them. I would recommend Dr Smiths book, Gatekeeper. It helped me tremendously in understanding what to look for and thanks to that guidance, I found a partner and we’ve been living together for more than a year now. As others have said, it’s a numbers game. I had to meet and vet about 50 women and probably went on about 100 dates (2-5 a week). Coffee dates are a good way to keep the costs down, but I think I still ended u…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 01:19 PM
3

One important element to consider is companionship. I think it becomes even more important as we get older because of the financial and medical uncertainty that comes with aging. If you are a couple, with two sources of income, it is much less likely you will end up homeless or without health insurance. Only 28% of people in the US over 65 live alone. The key is to build a healthy relationship with a partner who complements you in a positive way. Emphasis on build, healthy and positive.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:50 PM
15

In our modern tiktok psychobabble culture, A narcissist is basically a partner who doesn’t obey and cater to your whims. It provides a convenient excuse to discard partners and gather sympathy.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 02:08 PM
1

You can pull the trigger when you believe you are at a place where you have a clean conscience and can look back on your choice without regret. In this way, you are giving your future self a great gift: a life without regret or remorse for past actions that cannot be undone. It is different for every one of us.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 04:04 PM
1

So each time you sit down to journal, it takes about 2 hours? It’s great you put so much time into it, but with a full time job, I’d be lucky to have 20-30 min free each day. I met someone who did free form journaling for 5 min each day, which is about one page. So, I’ll allocate 5 min for myself. Then if I did some self reflection on that for 20 min then came up with some todo items over 5 min, that would be 30 min. Does that seem reasonable?
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 06:18 PM
1

That’s quite interesting. Did grid diary suggest that approach? It seems you are basically 1) free-associate then 2) labelling/distancing then 3) action How much time each day do you spend on this? While grid diary sounds helpful, one concern is that the company may stop supporting the product so hopefully you periodically export your diary.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:59 PM
3

Have you heard of the word menopause? Calling her a b*** is not going to help you much in terms of understanding her and solving the problems. she is undergoing a profound shift in her biology and calling her insulting names is not going to help you in the long run. I get it that you are upset. We’ve all been there. I just hope for you that you will move on to a healthier place of productive action and understanding .
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:23 PM
3

When you have a large need, such as after years of neglect or abuse, you may be vulnerable to partners that appear to fill that need. The main risks are from narcissists and borderline personality disorder types. Generally they are easy to identify because they usually have less than five long-term friends (who go back more than 5 years)—they typically have few friends and most are recent. Another tip is to make sure to say “no” to them ideally once a day or several times a week. They will quick…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 12:39 PM
1

It is possible that it may be higher than 80%—according to this source, there were 5 million auto-related injuries (not just accidents) in the US in 2023: https://www.mas.law/blog/2025/june/what-are-my-odds-of-getting-into-a-car-accident-/ The specific quote is: “5.1 million injuries – The national crash toll in 2023” With 300 million Americans, that is a 1.6% chance per person per year, and with an 80 year lifespan, that is a 130% risk.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:16 PM
3

Let me ask you a question: what if I told you that there is an activity that you do that has an 80% chance of causing you severe injury or death during your lifetime? Would you tell your kids to stop doing it? That activity is: driving a car, or being a passenger in a car. Now, chances are that you will NOT tell your kids to never set foot inside a car. Instead, you tell your kids to wear a seatbelt, do not drive while drunk or with a person who is intoxicated, preferably get in a car with a per…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 07:39 PM
2

You are wasting your time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:17 PM
1

I wish you success and happiness on your journey--it will get better, but it will be extremely shitty first, unfortunately. Make sure you stay in touch with friends and engage in group activities (clubs, church, etc.) so you don't sink.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 01:56 AM
5

You described 22 examples. Every one you accepted, you basically were telling her, on a subconscious level, that it was okay for her to do that to you. Sorry for being so blunt, but you enabled her behavior by accepting and putting up with it for all these years. Most of the men on this forum, myself included, are guilty of this. Whatever excuse we make up ("I took an oath", "I did it for the family", etc.), we are simply trying to retroactively justify our behavior. You will likely do this in y…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 08:40 PM
2

Maybe I’m deluding myself as I usually do, but I feel that as I get older, it is more important for me to have a purpose than to have money. There are so many ways to lose money—the stock market or crypto tanks, the government increases taxes, inflation eats it up. Whatever. I have limited control over that and so I dont want to measure my self worth by money. Purpose is something I create and so have more control over. But I can fail at my purpose, also due to external factors, as appears to be…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 04:29 PM
1

Just out of curiosity, did you use ai to help write any of your original post? I’m trying to get a sense of how good gptzero is. When I gave it a letter I wrote 5 yrs ago, it knew it was 100% human, and in general I’ve been impressed with it-yours is the first time it was uncertain
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 01:28 PM
1

Hi fixanymarriage--GPTzero says your entire comment is human-generated, except the quotes from OP.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 08:47 PM
-3

GPTzero says this post is about 48% AI generated and about 52% mixed (uncertain if human). I see that OP has responded to a few posts, so I think they are real. Their prior posts seem to be 100% human generated.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 08:46 PM
4

Getting a divorce is a terrible idea (as long as your partner is not abusing you or neglecting you). Don't do it. It will be worse than you can possibly imagine. The testosterone is messing with your mind. You made an oath, and you have children who need you. You need to find ways to grow together with your wife. It is absurd to say that you have nothing in common--you have the kids in common. What the kids do, you can share as a couple. In addition, there is absolutely something that you and yo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 03:41 PM
1

Its termed “menopause-related emotional withdrawal”. Estrogen is the hormone of empathy and it drops during menopause. Sounds like things were bad for decades and menopause just accelerated it. hormone replacement therapy+testosterone could help. If you emphasize the benefits for her: less brain fog, bone loss, etc., she may be interested
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 12:20 PM
1

Good point-and if the higher did not want to live at a lower level, the cost would be paying more mortgage share and losing that at the time of divorce. Or not holding the house as a joint asset through an a priori legal arrangement like a trust or whatever defined in the prenup Ultimately the couple should do what works best for them, as my friend has chosen. And he is probably right for his situation
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 02:10 PM
1

You raise several interesting issues related to a prenup. The main one is: what is an acceptable standard of living post divorce for the lower-earning partner? Obviously, the less wealthy partner should be shielded from poverty. But what is the suitable standard beyond that? Should the standard for the less wealthy partner be their wealth level if they had not gotten married? Or should it be their wealth level if they had remained married? The later is problematic because, obviously, they are no…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 01:48 PM
1

Do you tell your friends what to do if they didn’t ask for your advice?
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 03:22 AM
1

Its true that different people bring different things to a relationship
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 10:29 PM
1

What would you have advised him to do instead? Have a 66/33 split of the equity that aligns with their mortgage payment schedule?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 09:48 PM
1

You raise a good point--it helps to avoid a scoreboard mentality. But just to play devil's advocate, isn't 50/50 avoiding a scoreboard mentality also? It makes things pretty easy--just split expenses equally, doesn't it?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 08:19 PM
0

That is an interesting point you raise about the interest. However, there is something you are leaving out, which is that he could also put his money into his IRA (instead of into paying off the interest, and he could ask his partner to equally contribute to paying off the interest), and if the prenup stipulates, that IRA asset may remain with him (an IRA does not need to be a joint marital asset). So he is underfunding his own IRA by the amount of excess contribution he is making towards the mo…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 08:12 PM
0

While I'm concerned about his decision, I don't know if he is "getting screwed". He's happy and that's what I really care about because he's been through a lot of difficulty, as have we all. What does this have to do with me? Well, someday I may be in this situation and I'm just thinking it through with input from the occasionally thoughtful people on Reddit.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:31 PM
1

They did a prenup and did it properly: 2 independent lawyers (one for each person), and did it far before the marriage. The prenup covered the planned house purchase and explicitly states 50/50 split.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:28 PM
1

What do you think of the arrangement my friend agreed to?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 02:21 PM
1

What do you think of the arrangement my friend agreed to?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 02:21 PM
2

I get that. But let’s do a littlethought experiment: If you were a man, and your wife made twice your income, and you both agreed that she would contribute twice as much towards the mortgage, would you feel fair taking half of the equity in a divorce? Would you feel comfortable, in the first place, even asking her to contribute twice as much towards the mortgage?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:53 PM
3

Uggh. I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. I wish you success with your appeal.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:51 PM
2

Yes, he is choosing to do so. And he says he is comfortable with this. I respect his autonomy as my friend and frankly, he didn’t ask me for my opinion so I didn’t give it to him. I try to respect my friends that way. But it just got me wondering…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:47 PM
3

They have a solid prenup already—they each had independent lawyers look at it, and it was signed a year before their marriage
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:44 PM
2

Sure-but even if he made 250k/yr and she made 50k/yr, he doesn’t have to pay twice as much as her for the mortgage. He could contribute $2000 each month and she could contribute $2000 each month. And if they divorced, sure, they can split that house asset 50/50. His surplus money he can contribute to his IRA and as part of the prenup, they can agree that their IRAs remain individual and are NOT a joint marital asset.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:44 PM
2

I get that and am fine with that 50/50 split. Just curious what you think about him paying twice as much as her for the mortgage monthly payments?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 01:22 PM
2

While I can understand that you enjoy being single, the sad reality is that society (and our workplace) judges us negatively when we remain single. It's an unpleasant truth, and while people may downvote me, it doesn't change reality. I've had friends get passed over for promotion (such as a promotion to partner at a law firm) because they got a divorce (even if their wife initiated it). Sadly, in some of the upper levels of some companies, the leadership feels uncomfortable around men who remai…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 05:32 PM
1

I think it is important to find the right group of friends. People who are ethical and reliable. If you hang out with alcoholics, you will increase the odds that you become one. Here’s a simple litmus test: would you trust this person to look after your kids for a weekend? Can you imagine dropping your kids off at their place Friday night and picking them up on Monday? How does that make you feel?
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 03:58 PM
23

Men have always been expendable. We’re the ones who get drafted to die in a war, or sacrifice to provide stability and security for a family. But there are two sides to this. Since no one really cares or watches out for us, we are free to do as we wish. And in this way, in our acts of autonomy and self determination, we discover our true power and potential as men.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 12:07 PM
3

It's good that you recognize that maybe there is something wrong with your picker. I very highly recommend reading the book "Gatekeeper: Tactical Guide to Commitment" by Dr. Shawn Smith. I've seen others recommend the book and I read it recently and just found it so amazingly helpful--it really taught me how to identify women who are mature enough to be in relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 02:37 AM
2

To have equality requires a lot of individual wins. This 50/50 is a solid win and moves us closer to fairness. Don’t forget that child support is substantially reduced in a 50/50 scenario
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 07:49 PM
7

What you went through is miserable. The examples of how ChatGPT and TikTok inaccurately validated your wife’s emotions are appalling. That being said, the current data show that divorce rates are actually decreasing: https://www.reddit.com/r/charts/s/k8g3Wg72wK Most likely this is because fewer people are getting married and those that are getting married are being more careful. Prenups, while not foolproof are really helpful. In addition, states are starting to consider default 50/50 custody wh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:59 PM
1

I think it is called "projection"--when she imagines that you do the things that she is actually doing (she is projecting them onto you). This can be particularly frustrating because 1) you are their victim the first time they do these things to you; and 2) they make you a victim a second time by accusing YOU of doing those things they did to you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 05:02 PM
6

Some people recommend being honest, etc., about your feelings of "missing my ex" to your new partner, but I would generally advise against that when it comes to how you feel about your ex. It can be very distressing for a new partner to hear you talk about your ex. It could totally blow up that relationship. We have this misconception that our new partner should be our "everything"--best friend, confidant, lover, etc. I think it is a lot to put on one person to expect them to be like that for us…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 09:35 PM
2

I recommend you make a list of activities you like then search for clubs to join. Archery? Hiking? Shooting? Building—try Habitat for humanity? Trying to get over introversion—try improv comedy classes. Great way to meet people
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 07:48 PM
1

Men watch sports, women watch rom coms and family shows. The writers and producers are just catering to their audience. They are doing their job. A show that has a woman being mocked like the men will not appeal to the predominantly woman audience that watches these shows. That being said, we as husbands and fathers can stand up for ourselves and when our partners ask to watch a show the insults men, we can point out that absurd narrative and refuse to watch it and ask to watch something else. W…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 11:23 AM
1

Good luck! My last piece of advice is to use ChatGPT as a pretend lawyer so you can practice and learn things and role play the negotiations . Then when you meet your real lawyer, you can ask smarter questions and use your time more efficiently try and spend less money. But make sure you get a real lawyer-ChatGPT alone makes too many mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 10:25 AM
2

Here’s what you do: go to the website of your legal jurisdiction. Search for divorce cases. See which lawyers are most commonly mentioned. I was able to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 12:16 AM
3

Why has it been hard for you to find a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 06:50 PM
3

Make an effort for both of you to hang out with friends who are happily married and pro marriage. Another possibility is to give her something aspirational—maybe start talking about a vacation home or something else she wants, that you may buy together in a few years. Work on yourself—lose weight, learn how to be a better cook or something else productive that she will value. However, don’t become a simp who always gives in to her or try to be more agreeable all the time-she will lose respect fo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 11:50 PM
2

How have you learned to break that mindset of servitude? For me, it involves learning to be comfortable with saying “no” to others. I instinctively want to say “yes”, and have to actively work against that every day. I view this as different from setting “boundaries”. I feel that the modern usage of boundaries in relationships is crude and harsh-often people think of boundaries as “if they do this, it’s over”—it’s so simplistic and can lead to a lot of avoidance behaviors. I think it is healthie…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 11:48 AM
2

I was in a similar situation, although my ex and I lacked the clarity to articulate it as clearly as you two have done; I only realized it years after the divorce. And like you said, her abuse will worsen during menopause in most cases. I do think some women do not undergo radical loss of empathy during menopause, and one predictor is their parents—do her mother and father still have a good relationship and if so, she is likely genetically gifted with that and you got lucky. I had vibes from my …
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/25 01:01 PM
2

Good luck and I wish you happiness!
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 10:18 PM
2

You're right. You didn't. Neither did I. Neither did most of the guys on this forum. It is so painful when someone, who is supposed to love us, treats us like this, with such cold indifference. I've come to realize that the biology of menopause is tough and have accepted this reality. I'm in my 50s. I could probably have dated younger women in their early to mid 40s. But I didn't. And the reason is because I had no idea what would happen after they hit menopause. So I prefer to date women closer…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 07:00 PM
5

Well, it is helpful to acknowledge that men are the ones who gave them the "overabundance of obsequious treatment." So in a sense, we created the nightmare. As a man, I definitely catered too much to my ex-wife and failed to stand up for myself appropriately, so I am guilty of this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 06:04 PM
3

Listen, I'm a guy and I went through all this too from my ex-wife. One benefit of realizing it is partially biological is that it helped me cope with my own sense of personal failure. I realized that I hadn't really messed anything up. I wasn't to blame. I wasn't broken or worthless. As a divorced man, we often struggle with feelings of low self-worth--how could someone who loved us now hate us? What did we do? Well, the answer is that we often did nothing wrong. Menopause is a biological tickin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 05:34 PM
2

I think there is a distinction between superficial agreeableness and politeness with strangers or friends as opposed to managing more complex emotions that exist in a long-standing relationship with family. It is easier to contain our frustrations, whereas with family, we are often more likely to show our darker side. As empathy decreases due to estrogen drops, I think that comes out first with family. I'm not saying that what is happening is right--I'm just pointing out that biology plays a rol…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 05:30 PM
-6

In menopause, women have much less estrogen. Estrogen is the hormone of empathy. I know you are upset with her, rightly so. But a lot of what is happening to her is biological, and not a choice. It is a choice, though, to not see a doctor and not take hormonal therapy. Encourage her to take hormonal therapy because it will help her personal health: less risk of bone fractures and brain fog. Your marriage is a side benefit
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 11:46 AM
1

See if a trusted female friend can bring this up to her. The best way to frame hormone therapy is as a way to prevent osteoporosis and cognitive brain fog because that, appropriately, emphasizes benefits for her
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 11:42 AM
1

Is she going through perimenopause?
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 02:01 AM
2

Social contagion is a real issue. Here is some research to support it in regards to divorce: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 08:58 PM
2

I'm sorry you are going through this a second time. In regards to your second marriage, did you have a prenup? If so, Just curious if it has been helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 08:58 PM
5

The only way to learn how to date is to go on dates. You can’t learn how to play baseball by not playing baseball.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 01:40 AM
3

Both men and women go through major emotional changes as their hormones change. For women, it tends to be more sudden—menopause occurs over just a few years, while andropause for men occurs gradually over decades. It is a roll of the dice. You can look at their parents and that will give you some clues as to how they will become once their hormones change. Typically, each child takes more after one parent than the other.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 11:58 AM
1

True. I spent 5 years too long in a marriage for that reason. But emotional intensity is typically gone after 6-9 months for most people (the limerance/romantic phase) so if we are smart we have not overly invested by then.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 07:23 PM
1

There is some truth to that-most people enjoy emotional intensity at the beginning. However, once our partner starts ramping up the conflict (as you said), we need to end the relationship. We did not do that in our first marriage—we stupidly stayed. We need to understand why we did that (so we don’t do it again) and that requires self reflection.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 01:21 PM
12

Most people are saying not to get married. But the reality is that most high quality women are looking for marriage. It makes sense for a woman to seek marriage: there is more stability than in a fwb or situationship and marriage confers social prestige. That’s why some (not all, of course) women want a big ring—it shows the world (especially their friends) that they’ve made it. Sure you can go around telling your dates you will never get married—and then the high quality women will end the rela…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 11:21 AM
2

Sure, but here’s the question for you: why are you choosing women who want emotional intensity in a relationship? As you’ve discovered, it makes them unstable for a long term relationship. Something about YOU is attracted to these kind of women—you chose her for your wife. Now you know what happens later with these kind of women. Women who are into emotional intensity are FUN. They are vivacious and full of life. It’s exciting. I get it. We are attracted to them like a moth to light. But there’s…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 11:14 AM
2

I think that is a good start—learning to think with your big brain instead of the little one in your pants.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 02:10 AM
7

We often talk about how messed up our wives were, but here’s the thing: we chose them. So it’s really worth asking: why were we so dumb and blind? How do we know that we won’t make the same stupid mistake again? It’s hard for us to see our blind spots. And that’s the answer to your question: when you can honestly untangle the stupid in you that caused you to be attracted to your first wife, let her subjugate you, and put up with it for far too long, then you can enter into a serious relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 01:01 AM
1

I didn’t say it’s the worst. I just said it’s worse than you can imagine. It’s hard to imagine everything in your life being taken away from you unless you’ve already gone through a divorce before. It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to live without an arm because you have never lived without an arm before. You will lose your money, your house, your friends, your kids, and your self-respect. If you’re lucky and keep your head on, you might be able to regain some of it and come out ahead in the l…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 03:01 PM
7

“Independent_quote” is a woman who seems to troll and gaslight on this forum—you should ignore her. Just look at her post history. On the plus side, kudos to OP for being able to better recognize this abuse behavior from this commenter.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 12:26 PM
1

See a sex therapist and make sure they are familiar with Sensate therapy; it can work. However, it requires that she is willing to make even a modicum of effort and if she has completely checked out, it won’t work. Don’t get a divorce until you have tried sensate therapy. Divorce is worse than you can ever imagine.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 12:21 PM
0

Yes, it’s hard. There is a very strong political element to dating on both sides., but I have been surprised by the level of vitriol against conservatives in particular, perhaps because so many liberals feel helpless in the trump era, which is understandable but regrettable. Most people (men and women) who are on dating apps long-term are there for a reason: they have a hard time dating or being in relationships for a myriad of reasons. You are not going to miraculously cure them of their proble…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 01:55 PM
5

The tone of your post is very passive—you seem to be expecting other people to do things for you. You wrote “not one invite to anything” which implies you are sitting around waiting for invites. Perhaps during your marriage, you were similarly passive and let your wife organize your social calendar—most men do. You know the answer. You need to be the one who sends out the invites and organizes things. Stop complaining on Reddit and do something about it. I apologize for being so blunt, but I thi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 12:54 PM
1

In that case, they’ve done you a great favor by revealing their true colors. The sooner you see who they really are, the sooner you can move on and cut your losses. There are amazing women out there, but they are very, very hard to find. It takes patience, perseverance and knowing what you are looking for.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 12:46 AM
3

I think many of us have been so conditioned to be subservient after decades of marriage that it can be difficult to find our voice and sense of agency. We have internalized the perspective that somehow a woman is "our better half". For some men, it can take years to rediscover who they are. For others, it can happen sooner. An important clue is that you are comfortable saying "no" to a woman. Frankly, you should probably be saying "no" to her every day (or even several times a day), or at least …
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 02:00 PM
4

You basically experienced the pursuer-distancer dynamic: when someone wants us, we don’t want them and when they don’t want us, we want them more. Because you were in a marriage, you forgot what this feels like—it is a normal part of dating. You should explore this feeling and discuss with a therapist. Otherwise, you will just repeat it in your future relationships and throw away what could be a good relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 11:27 AM
4

Do not get married or live in New Jersey
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 08:18 PM
2

I noticed from your post history that you (far2go…) are a woman. Why are you so quick to dismiss the role of menopause when a survey of women found that 70% felt that menopause contributed to their divorce? Why are you ignoring research data?
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 01:22 AM
4

Key quote to share with your mom: “Some 70% of those who had not received support or treatment had said that if they had, it would have had a positive impact on their relationship and potentially avoided the breakdown of their marriage. ” Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:38 AM
4

Share this link: https://www.balance-menopause.com/news/menopause-puts-final-nail-in-marriage-coffin/
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:34 AM
1

Ask a trusted female friends to bring it up with her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:31 AM
1

Sounds even more like menopause is playing a factor of she says she doesn’t want to date anymore—libido declines for most women post menopause.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:28 AM
8

Is she going through menopause? You may want to look up “menopause related emotional detachment.” Hang in there-things will get better
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:25 AM
2

You should anticipate paying between 15k-25k in legal fees. But this is important otherwise you will not be treated fairly in the courts and could lose out on 100,000-300,000 of alimony since you earn less than her.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 05:03 PM
1

That's great advice--why do you recommend estate planning and real estate attorneys for advice/referrals for other types of attorneys?
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 07:13 PM
1

All good points--thank you
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 07:11 PM
2

A lot of us on this forum have been deeply hurt by the trauma of divorce. It took me 2-3 years to work though it, and I am still working through it. I get it that for most people, the instinctive response is “I will not do that again”. But the only way we grow and become the man we were meant to be, is by challenging our demons, not by running and hiding. And maybe many men will decide they are happier alone—good for them. But it is important that this decision be made from a place of courage an…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 01:02 PM
1

Wow-signed the day of the wedding? Amazing. I can imagine the scene at the altar: “With this ring, and prenup, I thee wed—please sign here and here and here and here—then we’ll exchange rings”
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 12:57 PM
1

Thx-how far in advance of the wedding would you recommend to ensure a valid prenup that is fair both sides?
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 12:00 PM
0

Do you have any advice about getting a solid prenup?
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 11:54 AM
18

Most of us (65%) fail at our second marriage because we haven't done the hard work to become more independent, goal-oriented men who know their self-worth and are comfortable saying "no" if it is called for. They remain cowards and do not stand up for themselves when their female partner has a bad day and takes it out on them. They think it is easier to just "go along" to keep the peace, not realizing that every time they do that, their female partner loses another shred of respect for them. The…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 08:29 PM
1

I hear you. Do you just split the bill on dates, vacations etc? How about the first date? Usually I paid the first 2-3 dates, then we discussed splitting the bill for future dates.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 05:57 PM
3

Well, you have to give them credit for being clear about their dating goals. And that was a benefit for you because that allowed you to say “no thanks”. Some of the women I met were more covert about it and brought it up later, once I had developed feelings for them and was thus more likely to give in to their wishes. I can’t really blame them for wanting a man to provide for them. We all would want someone to give us a monthly check for no work.”, me included. And our society sends women this m…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 12:09 PM
2

What did they do that indicated to you that they wanted to be cared for financially? Did they say anything specific, like “I hope to buy a bigger house someday with you?” Or ask you to cover their travel expenses?
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/25 01:44 AM
1

Welcome to the human race. No one does things consistently, eternally. We are not robots. If you made the changes she asked for and never messed it up again, you would be inhuman. She has a responsibility, if she asks you to do something, to support you as you change for her, accept when you lapse, and work with you to get back on track. Remember: she is asking YOU to do something, so she should be grateful if you even did it once correctly. You are not her slave. She can’t order you around to d…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:24 PM
2

You may want to read that article and research this more. Estrogen therapy may help her…and save your marriage-I would focus on the cognitive benefits and reduction of osteoporosis risk. May be best if this came from a friend and not you
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 11:08 AM
6

Is she going through perimenopause? https://www.balance-menopause.com/news/menopause-puts-final-nail-in-marriage-coffin/
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 04:17 PM
2

You have nearly a million more in assets than she does. I don’t think it will be a 50/50 split. Get the opinion of 2-3 lawyers by asking for free initial consultations. In each meeting, explicitly ask them to tell you what kind of split you think you will get.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 12:21 PM
3

First, let's begin with a question--do you enjoy being resentful? Some people who hold onto resentment do so because they like the feeling of victimhood. In that case, you'll need to talk to a therapist. If you have moved on from that, and actually want to stop being resentful, the best way to overcome resentment is by being proactive. I think you are starting on that journey by recognizing your role. When we instead perceive ourselves as the victim, we are actually giving up our ability to solv…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 07:01 PM
1

Many men take less in alimony than would be the case if the roles were reversed. You "don't want to hurt her like that". Interesting--do you think she feels that way about you? You might want to really explore in yourself what has led you to believe that you are worth less than her.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 04:40 PM
4

You should stop blaming yourself. What you did was acceptable for 23 years. Now that she is in menopause and her estrogen has dropped, she has lost empathy and patience and is no longer the same person. Now what was annoying but okay in the past is suddenly unacceptable. That’s on her, not you. She had a responsibility to bring up her concerns and work with you to resolve them, but she didn’t because it wasn’t a big enough issue—like I said, she tolerated it for 23 yrs. Menopause has changed her…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 02:09 PM
1

This is a helpful link: https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405 You can’t discuss this with her—maybe one of her friends can bring it up? Maybe encourage her to start hormonal therapy?
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 02:06 PM
4

Explore many, many different things and see what you connect with and enjoy, then increase your time commitment to that as much as financially prudent.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 01:17 PM
2

Relationships often end around the six month mark when the novelty and thrill wear off. If you are looking for long term, you want to find a partner who isn’t addicted to that brief love thrill and instead values solid commitment and shared goals. She likely got bored and used the 40 min drive as a polite excuse. Nothing has changed about the drive—it’s always been 40 min—she is the one that changed. It’s not you-it’s her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 12:17 PM
3

If you start dating with this desperate and self-negative frame of mind, you will be an easy target for a narcissistic partner who will love bomb you and destroy you even more emotionally and financially. It almost happened to me, but thankfully I was able to pull away from her. They can sense your weakness because they have cultivated it from their decades of dating and searching for easy marks, like you. The more desperate you are, the worse your outcome. I get it that you are lonely. Grow you…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 11:35 AM
3

We can’t answer your question without knowing more about what each of you did wrong and who initiated the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 12:17 PM
5

I generally use AI before I talk with any lawyers. I spend about an hour or so asking questions, learning about legal points, exploring different options, etc. Then, when I met the actual lawyer, who is charging me $500/hour, I may only need 30 min of their time instead of a full hour, thus saving me $250. I tried reading books before talking to my lawyer, but it can take 10-15 hours to read a book, the books are full of unnecessary or outdated advice, and often apply to rules in other states. I…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 06:59 PM
5

I agree that there has been a dramatic and distressing increase in promiscuity. Some people say that "as long as people are consenting, it's fine". But from an objective health perspective, it isn't. People get STDs. The two most common, HSV and HPV, are not prevented by condoms effectively. And HPV itself is now the leading cause of oral cancer. But there is another level of harm here, and it is mental. If you are promiscuous with your body, it signifies a lack of respect for one's body. And th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 05:12 PM
1

Your purpose was your family. It was external and driven by others. Thats why she abandoned you when she no longer needed you. Thats why you felt alone in her presence—you were not a person to her—you were an object that performed a function: an ATM machine. That’s the mistake we all make; society tells us to do that/men are expendable. You need to find a new purpose. One that comes from within and is not dictated by the whims of others.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 12:30 PM
1

I think there are a couple of things going on here. Yes, people are dishonest. But people also change over time. For women, menopause causes major changes in their empathy (it’s referred to as menopause related emotional detachment or dysregulation) as estrogen levels drop. At the least, having a discussion about expectations around sahm status could’ve helped me prepare a legal post nup. But I lacked the self confidence and wisdom when I was younger. I was naive and weak.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 12:22 PM
2

True, but if, when she first mentioned she wanted to be a sahm, we then negotiated a post nup, it would’ve added clarity to what we both expected, and if things didn’t work out, it would’ve limited my divorce liability.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 12:21 AM
1

I think this post reveals a deeper problem, which centers around the poor communication skills that most of us have. Basically, when we agreed to let our wives be SAHMs, we thought it meant one thing (that we would stay married and continue to share a life together), while reality turned out to be the opposite. In essence, SAHM was an "unwritten contract" and neither side actually agreed on the contract before signing it (most likely, we didn't even talk about it), so we had to turn to the court…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 06:02 PM
6

Are you honestly asking us, a bunch of divorced men, if marriage counseling works? What do you think our answer will be?
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 12:23 PM
3

Another lesson from this story: Never marry or have a relationship with someone who has family connections to law enforcement.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 12:21 PM
13

Actually, the divorce rate is going down, not up. I know it doesn't feel that way to us, but there were fewer divorces per 1,000 women in 2023 (2.3 divorces per 1,000 women) than in 2000 (4.0 divorces per 1,000 women)--it is a 42% DECLINE in the number of divorces per 1,000 women. Here is the data to show this: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/marriage-divorce/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-23.pdf Keep in mind that marriage rate is also decreasing. So, one theory is that fewer people are ge…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 08:01 PM
5

If you are in the top 10-20%, it’s easy. If not, be prepared for a long slog. The good news is that you just need to find one person who matches you. Psychacks has helpful advice
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 02:27 AM
3

Thanks. I agree that it is helpful after divorce to rethink how we view women and move away from the "Happy wife, happy life" and "my wife is my boss" mentality. The MGTOW/manosphere community can be full of misogeny, so it helps to remember that men contribute to relationship dysfunction too, but overall, it helped me to shed the "men are the problem" and "men are flawed women" mindset that seems to permeate most of our society.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 08:26 PM
2

Any books you would recommend?
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 11:08 AM
12

Many men feel useless after a divorce because we made the mistake of making our ex wives the focus of our life. You know this. Kudos to you for diagnosing your illness. Now can you take the medicine to cure yourself? Can you rebuild a life which involves you becoming the man you want to be? Do you even remember who that is?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 12:33 PM
2

It’s a psychological process referred to as projection. She can’t deal with the fact that she’s the problem, so she projects it onto you and imagine that you are the cause. Once I learned that people routinely do this, I started to worry a lot less about what people said about me. My anxiety levels decreased a lot, and I was better able to Tolerate their illogical behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 01:21 PM
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