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not_a_paper_pusher Archive

View 0 posts and 248 comments by not_a_paper_pusher on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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250

The dead eyes, I’m not sure if they’re a sign of other problems as well but something about their eyes always makes me think they’re porn addicts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/22 08:03 PM
40

I’d say trust your intuition about that waiter saying bye. I painted my living room this weekend and I’m having an uneasy reaction to the colour because it’s the same colour as my old living room where I started to process my trauma over a year ago. I’ve been out today for paint samples in a completely different colour. Emotional flashbacks can be caused by the smallest thing, I wish you all the best in processing everything you’ve been through.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/22 09:17 PM
49

I’m sorry this happened to you. Your story is similar to mine in that some of my former friends are still friends with my rapist. I’m glad they are coming back to apologise to you, I have hoped for that external validation for some time, but I still feel guilty for wanting that validation because it means that he would have to do it to someone else in order for me to be believed, I want to be believed but I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through. I’m glad you’ve found new frien…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/22 09:06 PM
150

This reminds me of a red flag I saw in my ex years ago, he was experimenting with drugs and trying to hide it from me. I confronted him and he continued to lie. To me, someone that uses drugs makes me think we’d end up living in a crack den. It’s a deal breaker for me. Other than the drug use, he was lying, excluding me (it was “boys night” but all of the other girlfriends were invited), and he wasn’t giving me the opportunity to decide whether I’d want to be with someone who uses drugs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/22 09:00 PM
52

I really needed to hear this today. The mental energy I spend on worrying about other people’s choices is draining me. I try to justify it by saying I’m concerned because it’s an abusive situation but the truth is, these people are not part of my life and I have no say in their relationship so I have no need to even think about it. I think the solution is where you say I’m busy, that’s the part I need to start taking more seriously
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/22 08:00 PM
42

He’s repulsive. I thought “a week on the couch” doesn’t sound like a violent reaction.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/22 08:13 PM
56

Thank you for sharing this, I’ve just finished re-listening to The Gift of Fear and needed something else to read.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 05:35 PM
58

I wouldn’t consider him a HVM if he did drugs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 10:50 AM
4

Thank you ☺️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 09:00 PM
7

I’m not sure if we’re allowed to share links and I don’t like this publication but… https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a39460857/domestic-abuse-ban-partner-from-using-tampons/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 08:59 PM
3

I’m considering sending them this video https://www.instagram.com/reel/CbS-bkDpyFi/?utm_medium=copy_link
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 08:47 PM
18

This reminds me of something my driving instructor said to me, she explained that “girls are less confident on the road because they haven’t had practice riding bikes like boys have”. That was only on my first lesson but it became clear that she was projecting her beliefs about women drivers onto me e.g. you reacted that way because you were afraid of that car coming towards you” when I was reacting to pedestrians I thought were about to step into the road.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 08:42 PM
17

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I got through it by learning from it and remembering that I won’t always feel this way. The pain is temporary, you’ll be ok.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 07:25 PM
14

Great post, I recognise a lot of these in men I’ve known. It’s validated some of my own thoughts about community dick men, thank you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 07:08 PM
21

I’ve read two of your comments today and they’ve both been amazing. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 07:03 PM
9

You make a lot of good points and I don’t know where this post belongs but I don’t think it belongs here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/03/22 10:30 PM
16

Thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/22 08:22 PM
265

This is reassuring, I have developed a groove in the last couple of years, after an incident with a NVM. I even jokingly considered suing him to make him pay for botox. My life is becoming more peaceful again so I’m glad to hear there’s a chance it could disappear. I hope the other effects of stress disappear too. I’m happy to hear your husband is good for your health and happiness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/22 07:50 PM
49

What a horrible thing to do. I was in a similar situation last year and I also live by the rules so it was really difficult. Mine was unwanted contact with my rapist’s girlfriend, I still to this day think he was the one that encouraged her to involve the police, knowing what kind of person I am, that I am generally decent and this would be distressing for me. I lost respect for the law that day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/22 03:47 PM
15

I love the part where you start talking about your new standards of fully acknowledging red flags etc. I’m sure this will set you up for a good life with the right people. I’ll be single for a while too, while I work through some trauma. I hope you have a fantastic time with your friends tonight.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/22 09:21 PM
33

I make notes too, I started doing it after a traumatic event so I could record what happened then allow myself to forget. I can refer back to them in the future if anyone tries to rewrite history. Now, when I let new people into my life, I make a note in my phone when I spot any red flags or something happens. If a person’s name is saved in a note, it’s not a good sign and they usually don’t last long in my life. I’m happy to hear you got out of that situation and found a way to retain your sani…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/22 09:16 PM
3

Congratulations, I’m proud of you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/22 02:14 PM
41

There are several women from my past that I would love to receive an apology from, I’m not sure I’ll ever get it but I’d appreciate it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 10:33 PM
27

I don’t like it from men, even if I’m in a relationship. Certain people can get away with it such as older women because it was more common in their generation to use these terms of endearment. From younger people it feels forced and manipulative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/01/22 06:57 PM
14

I hear you that you don’t want your marriage to be a failure, it sounds like we both had the best intentions going into our marriages. I’ve been divorced for eight years, he cheated on me and lied, a lot. The woman he cheated on me with told me about some of the lies he told to her. His current wife called me last year asking questions because he hadn’t told her he was previously married, she told me about some of the lies he had told her. I answered her questions and wished her the best. He has…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/21 05:03 PM
8

I would never be friends with someone that did that. As for reaching out to his gf, I doubt you’ll be able to convince her that what he did and what she is doing is wrong, it sounds like she has made up her mind, but there is nothing to stop you letting her know you don’t agree with what she is doing. I’d also let the victim know your thoughts on this as well, she may appreciate your support more than you can ever know. I speak from experience, I’ve talked about it on here before how I was sexua…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 08:34 PM
78

I’m the “troublemaker” of my family too, I’ve lost a lot of friends and family this year, through speaking out against two abusive men (one that assaulted me, another that showed a pattern of inappropriate behaviour towards a child in my family). I have been shocked at the responses of some of the women close to me and am now suffering the consequences of being unable to stay quiet. I understand why some women are tempted to keep the peace but I couldn’t live under that false sense of security. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 08:57 PM
73

As a result of trauma, in the past year I stopped even looking at men, if I see a woman I’ll smile but I can’t even acknowledge a man in the street. I’m starting to come around to the idea but posts like this make me think what’s the point, I only ever smiled before to be polite and in a subconscious way I hoped they wouldn’t hurt me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 08:45 PM
4

This is the third time time week I’ve read about being wary when men ask us for help, it’s something I’ll be aware of from now on. It’s talked about in The Gift of Fear too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 08:41 PM
1

For me, sitting down while they bring my food and drink then take the plates away is difficult, I’d prefer to do all of that myself, as though I’m inconveniencing them by allowing them to serve me. I felt the same in hospital with the nurses.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 08:38 PM
59

This is great, I started doing the same thing a few years ago. I spent about a year getting comfortable saying “I’m not ok with this” and “I don’t like that”. Now I’m working on asking for help allowing people to take care of me, even letting the serving staff in a restaurant take care of me counts as practice. I lived in a big city for a year and that taught me to be able to ignore people. When someone tries to sell me something in the street, I say a polite “no, thank you” once then ignore the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 01:40 PM
1

Thank you for your kindness. It took me a while to get there but I’m glad I finally did it. I know, I’m an anxious person anyway so I’m worried the police will turn up, even though she doesn’t have any grounds to report me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 03:19 PM
2

I really did see him at his most monstrous and it was difficult to face up to that, their decisions made me question myself a lot. I ended my friendship with one of them yesterday, she’s now accusing me of stalking and harassing her on social media, making me once again question my reality, I had to write a timeline of what really happened as she’s made a status about “can the police caution someone...” (me).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 07:48 PM
11

I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal. I understand where you’re coming from about what the legal teams might say, I was raped last year, the police told me that “the defense would argue that you made these allegations out of spite”, that was because of text messages exchanged between me and the rapist after the incident. I knew that wasn’t true but it didn’t make it hurt any less. ETA: this wasn’t the only instance of him being made out to be the victim. One friend pointed out that I had been…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 04:53 PM
6

I’ve often wondered too, my guess is that they look for someone who is physically and emotionally unavailable for a relationship. As for the criminals not in prison, I was assaulted, the man that did it has a girlfriend and our mutual friends are still friends with him, they believe they know him better than I do (and he wouldn’t do such a thing). I’ve seen some pick me behaviour too. Then there’s that quote that we only accept the love we deserve. I wonder if a lot of these women believe they d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 04:38 PM
215

This makes me think the mother is willing to babysit her son’s date’s children in hopes of offloading her son onto this new woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/21 07:05 PM
50

Repulsive. My ex boyfriend had a folder of me in his computer, I asked him to delete it before I left but I can’t help but think it’s the first of many folders he’ll keep of women he meets over the years.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 06:21 PM
79

I feel like they use it to reach as many women as possible with as little effort as possible. A vague photo they send to everyone in their harem. Edit: “get Snapchat, I want to send you stuff to make you laugh” Did not make me laugh once.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 06:16 PM
25

I love this woman
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 07:24 PM
30

They hate being confronted with the consequences of their actions.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 06:48 PM
22

I feel the same, I felt disgusted at how often he makes inappropriate, sexual comments in front of the clients, unprofessional at the very least. Sleazy. I also think Shea often looks very uncomfortable with him when they’re on the couch talking to the camera. Something about her body language. I could only watch season 2 by fast forwarding the scenes he is in. I hope you feel better soon and that that your results are negative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 05:08 PM
6

Fantastic news, thank you for sharing it with us. Congratulations 🎉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 02:02 PM
16

I can relate. I trust your judgment with men because your felt they were a “hard pass”, it’s listening to that instinct that we both need to work on. You have reflected and mentioned reasons why you were more susceptible to brushing off your concerns, in future you will be able to ask yourself what is going on (am I lonely? Etc) when you start to ignore your intuition and be less likely to go ahead.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 02:26 PM
7

I’m sorry you went through that. I’m immediately suspicious that his sister defended him out of nowhere, the family know what these men are like and I think you’re absolutely right about them being in collusion with them. I certainly know what my brother is like and would likely believe anything an ex partner said about him. I went through a painful stage of having to accept and be quiet about his girlfriend not believing me because no one close to him did, so she wouldn’t, they vouched for him …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 01:23 PM
5

That’s a scary thought and one that would only lead to more anger and emotion from me, which the legal system doesn’t like. I take on board what you are saying. I looked into defamation and it was infuriating because, from what I understand, as the victim of rape I have to prove he did it, and as the “offender” in a defamation case, I also have to prove he did it. No matter what side I am on, victim or perpetrator, the burden of proof is on me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 12:54 PM
8

I think his mam and sister already know he is rotten to the core too. I think I’m looking for external validation which isn’t worth any abuse they might send my way if I do contact them. The essay is a good idea, I wrote one for his girlfriend that I could shorten. Thank you for the advice on who to send it to. It feels really blunt to contact people out of the blue so I’d have to soften it. I’ll protect myself first, which means doing nothing for now. But it’s good to know that it’s an option. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 10:46 AM
6

Thank you for writing this. I have saved it and will come back to it when I need to. You have put it into perspective for me that he is deranged, I think I buy into his public persona too often, and use that to invalidate my own experiences with him. I will adopt the phrase “we are beyond that” every time I start to give worth to any opinion about me other than my own. Ignoring him will be my biggest test, part of me believes he has “won” and that I am letting him quietly get away with it by not…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 10:31 AM
21

Can confirm. His girlfriend had already heard about me before I got in touch to warn her. She said “The bits that are true in what you have said I am already well aware of but without the twisted tales you have added.” He also told our mutual friend (who is married to his best friend) before I even chose to share what happened with my group of friends. My former friend berated me for “airing my dirty laundry” by telling my friends (in a private group message) even though he had been to her house…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 10:44 PM
44

I love this. TW sexual assault. The part about contacting every woman he knows, this is something I have been tempted to do to the man that sexually assaulted me. I have told our mutual friends, his soon to be ex wife, and his girlfriend (they all took his side). I want to tell his sister and his mother but I have heard that she is not a very nice woman. Is this something you would do if you were in my situation? I only haven’t contacted his mother and sister because I’m not sure what it would a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 09:48 PM
38

I’m struggling with this today. I used to be able to do this, in 2012, when I found the woman my ex husband cheated with, I gave him one last chance to tell me the truth then nothing. I asked my mam to get the marriage certificate from him, and tell him to transfer the divorce fees. I filed for divorce within a few days and didn’t speak to him again for seven years (a one off, I won’t speak to him again). Last year, I made a new friend. He love bombed, manipulated, abused, assaulted, raped, ston…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 09:39 PM
3

Thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 06:36 PM
2

Thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 10:15 AM
2

Thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 10:14 AM
63

Last Thursday, I gave the police a video statement after reporting the man that raped and sexually assaulted me last year. It was the first time I said it all out loud, everything that happened that night from start to finish. It was hard and I only have a small amount of hope for justice. I’ve been dismissed by the police twice already but maybe this time they will be able to help. If not, it’s on record to assist anyone else he hurts or has hurt if they choose to come forward.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/03/21 02:12 PM
35

Thank you for explaining this
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/21 09:06 PM
122

TW sexual assault I couldn’t agree more about ostracising these men. Since joining FDS and being assaulted, my standards have changed on who I am willing to tolerate and entertain. I have former friends that have remained friends with the man who raped and assaulted me so I feel quite extreme for cutting off men for saying #NAMALT. I feel like I’m surrounded by pickmes and indifferent women. I must remember that the #NAMALT men are part of the culture that harms women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/21 09:05 PM
18

It’s legal to carry a small knife, I use mine to open boxes, I doubt it’s legal to actually use it for self defensive but it gives me some peace of mind to have it on my key ring. From the Gov UK site: carry a knife in public without good reason, unless it has a folding blade with a cutting edge 3 inches long or less
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/21 10:56 PM
24

All the best with your recovery. I signed a petition yesterday about carrying weapons. Here’s the link Make it legal to carry non-lethal self defence weapons (I hope it’s ok to share this here)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/21 10:51 PM
47

“Thanks for this reminder why I’m celibate. It’s so powerful not giving men what they want.” I was assaulted last year, I have been celibate since, I’ve been considering how it could make me feel more powerful to build myself back up to full strength and become untouchable. I want to be a strong, successful woman who doesn’t entertain men, only politely dismisses them. Do you think this could work? Do you have any recommendations of where I can learn more about this please? I would love to find …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/21 08:16 PM
160

I’d say men are just terrible people. Every man that I have ever let close to me has hurt me. I’m not at all impressed with the quality of men in this world. Their behaviour has been unacceptable and damaging. As for the men that I do still like, I feel like it’s a matter of time until they show their true selves. It’s only by keeping my distance and not knowing too much about them that I can still manage to respect them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 10:47 PM
4

Thank you for writing this, it brought me to tears, it’s what I want to work towards believing because your words sound like sanity to me. A lot of it rings true to my situation and it has happened that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 07:09 PM
2

Thank you. And they’re supposed to be the protectors, from what I can tell, they have no loyalty to anyone but themselves. Speaking of daughters. I fell out with my mother last month because I saw my sister’s boyfriend behave inappropriately towards my nephew, my therapist is reporting it to social services. She believes him over me, even going as far as to say I made it up. It was devastating, I don’t understand why women protect these shady men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 04:26 PM
5

That’s awful, I’m sorry you went through that then had to deal with the aftermath. It’s sickening how people support these men. It makes an already difficult situation more difficult. I was shocked at my friends speaking out publicly in his defence, I still am, but everyone else that stood by him (his friends, girlfriend, wife) I wasn’t surprised. They have the information, it’s up to them what they do with it. I’ll never be quiet either, I don’t care how much people try to deter me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 04:20 PM
3

Thank you for saying that, the amount of support he got was sickening. I sometimes wonder if I was a one off and he hasn’t done this before or since, but I don’t believe that. There was victim blaming and minimising, which I’ve taken to heart and am having to work through.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 04:16 PM
43

Thank you for this, I needed it today. I’ve been checking in on a former friend’s girlfriend, that he got with around the same time he assaulted me. By saying “gossip channels in my ladies network” you’ve put something into words for me. I was assaulted and while I talked about it online, I haven’t outright named him on my social media, but I have been naming him privately to the friends and family that want to know who did it. I kept thinking I’ll never stop whispering about this among women in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/21 03:51 PM
19

A similar thing happened to me 8 months ago and the police investigation was closed last week due to lack of evidence and, even worse, evidence of messages that undermined my allegations because I was friendly towards him after. It’s hard. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m with you. Good luck in your continuing efforts to rebuild yourself. This never should’ve happened to you and I’m not sure I believe in karma but my auntie told me that “recovery of yourself will be his karma”. I can tell …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 08:21 PM
5

Proud of you, best of luck with all of your plans
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 07:50 PM
20

Good for you, I’m glad you’re here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 07:40 PM
55

I have a deep dislike of women who stand up for these men. Three of my former friends sided with and supported the man that assaulted me. While we were friends, he spoke disparagingly about two of them to me, they were the ones that defended him the most, I haven’t told them what he said (because I’d be seen as gossiping and retaliating), and I find it painful to see him making a fool of them. His friendship with them is built on lies. He has no respect for them and they lost a genuine friend by…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 07:36 PM
12

Thank you for sharing this, she’s speaking to my soul.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/02/21 06:04 PM
22

Same thing happened to me, then a mutual friend accused me of harassing the man because I was asking questions to clear up my confusion. Confusion is now a major red flag for me. His words didn’t match his actions and he finally ended our friendship two days before announcing his new relationship social media. Our friendship gradually declined (over the space of a month) as he secured his new supply.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 12:09 AM
11

The man that assaulted me kept telling me that his friend described him as “the perfect man”. He was friendly, handsome, fit, self employed, a good dad (as far as I could see on social media, I never saw how he interacted with them in real life). He was also abusive, manipulative, dishonest, violent, unfaithful (before and during his marriage), with poor morals and values. I don’t know what made his friend see him as the perfect man, what he was basing that opinion on. I took it with a pinch of …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 11:31 AM
30

I had a similar experience with a woman in 2012, she gave me the evidence I needed to divorce my husband after he cheated on me with her. I occasionally think of her and wish her well. Last year, I was able to show similar kindness to the woman my ex husband went on to marry when she contacted me to ask questions about our relationship. He hadn’t told her he had been previously married and she was shocked to find out about me, he wouldn’t give her the answers she needed so she contacted me and I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/01/21 03:33 PM
7

I got an Assassin’s Creed dressing gown from the last narc. I don’t even play games, it was a different ex’s favourite game.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/20 08:18 PM
2

Thank you for saying this, I was assaulted earlier this year and I was horrified at how the women closest to me reacted when I told them what happened. I reasoned that it was the way they had been conditioned to react, rather than them deliberately trying to be hurtful. I am still struggling to exist in my community knowing I am surrounded by men who could hurt me and women who will defend them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/20 10:12 PM
101

I believe the same thing applies to their protection. They’re supposed to be “protectors” but they’re the only ones I’ve needed to be protected from
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/20 07:53 PM
1

Thank you, that feels like the right way to handle it, I’ve been trying to regain my dignity all summer and I don’t want to throw it away in one moment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 09:02 AM
1

Thank you for answering, I’ll focus on learning to be in the healthy side of both energies, while noticing when I’m slipping into the unhealthy side. I think you’re right that they don’t respond well to anything, I think I’m worried there will be drama no matter what I do, even if I do nothing more than exist in the same space as him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 09:50 PM
1

Thank you for posting this, it was an interesting read. I’m wondering about what energy to connect to during a non dating scenario. When I bump into the man that abused and assaulted me. I was assaulted by a “friend” in May, I went no contact, reported him to the police, informed his new girlfriend about what he did to me, and had the phrase “crazy ex” mentioned to me by my friends and family more than once this summer. So I have not maintained my dignity as well as I would have liked to. I thin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 05:57 PM
15

I’m with you there, 35 and had a bi salp last month
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/20 10:32 PM
19

I took myself our for lunch today
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 05:33 PM
49

In a group chat, my ex boyfriend and his friends (civil and mechanical engineering) were talking about a woman in one of their classes, they joked that she was probably in the wrong class. I said “I hope she’s your boss one day”. My ex boyfriend tried to triangulate me with one of the women in his class. He always talked about her looks, never about her accomplishments or excellent grades.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 09:16 PM
3

I’m so sorry, I hope she’s found safe soon, thinking of you and your family.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 09:13 AM
8

It always seems to come down to power and control.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/20 01:24 PM
23

My former fwb once told me to “be careful that you don’t get a reputation”, slut shaming me while I was at his house for sex. It made no sense to me at all. I should’ve walked out immediately. I know better now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/20 01:19 PM
57

I once heard plan b described as a “hormonal sledgehammer”, I’ve taken it a few times and I would agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/20 01:17 PM
2

I am so sorry you are going through this and that people are discouraging you from reporting him and blaming you. It is not your fault in any way. You were abused because an abuser chose to abuse. I recently went through something similar. I reported it to the police with the intention of it being for “information purposes only”, in that it will be on his record but I wouldn’t press charges. I took it one day and one decision at a time. The police told me what my options were and put me in touch…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/20 01:03 PM
94

Thank you for this, I regret the amount of times I have let a man use my body in the past. I got nothing out of it. Only disrespect and trauma. Never again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 09:11 PM
10

That is repulsive
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 04:59 PM
31

My sister was helping me decorate my home when I first moved in, her LV boyfriend asked her “why does she bother with all of that if she doesn’t have people over?”. I told her to tell him it’s because I live there and I do it for me. It’s as though some people only do things to impress others rather than make a beautiful home for themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 08:38 AM
3

Thank you for writing this for OP, I needed to hear it too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 12:42 PM
8

Same thing happened to me, I had an abusive ex four years ago so I taught myself all about narcissistic abuse and I still fell for the same tricks this May. They’re good at what they do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 12:38 PM
6

This is unreal, how could you refuse lol. Good for you for blocking him every time, how dare he keep coming back into your life when you have blocked him. The audacity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 08:55 PM
22

I had a similar experience with a woman recently. It was my former fwb’s new girlfriend. He had assaulted me and I was trying to warn her about him. She was being defensive and attacking my credibility etc, working up to saying: “You need to get a grip and realise that this isn’t working. Everyone including your own friends clearly know this. Everything about this is absolutely mental. Sort it out and move on already it’s pathetic” Essentially saying “no one believes you, not even your friends”,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 05:30 PM
13

Welcome sister. The women on this sub have supported me through some of the most difficult months of my life, when people in my real life have let me down. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been called crazy this summer for my reaction to being manipulated, abused and assaulted by a fwb (I reported the assault to the police, and told my close family, friends and his new girlfriend). I HOPE he’s scared, I’ve made it known that I won’t tolerate abuse and let it lie while quietly sufferin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 09:41 AM
2

I’m an INTJ. I imagine I’d get different results if I tested myself over time, it’ll always be introverted though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 09:57 PM
7

I’d love to do this, I can already hear myself trying to sabotage myself, I think I’ll have to look up “how to stop self sabotage”. Mine feels close to self destruction at the minute. It’s a constant fight between destruction and treating myself with care and respect.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 09:48 PM
27

Fwiw telling them to run is a gamble, one that didn’t pay off for me, I tried to warn her but she told me I was wasting my time and she is 100% with him. I opened myself up to abuse from her and I can only hope she gets out asap when he shows his true colours.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 09:29 PM
2

I agree with this, there were several signs that he was getting off on hurting me (and other women in his stories)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 09:25 PM
3

Thank you for phrasing the question for me. I’m sorry you’ve been through similar. I don’t understand why they have to make these situations traumatic instead of an opportunity to have something casual and fun together. They have to spoil it. I’m glad you got away, he sounds awful. I get it when you say you explained it away, I did a lot of that too. I don’t think relationships will ever be the same either, I have changed too much, learned a lot and I have zero tolerance for abuse and manipulati…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 09:02 PM
7

Thank you, I have a lot of it to work through from the past
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 01:00 PM
32

He said “they fall in love with me then turn crazy”, I thought that wouldn’t happen to me because he had nothing I wanted other than casual sex. Within weeks my mental health declined to the point that I felt like I was crazy. I’ve been out of the situation for three months and I’m still suffering. I’m over the initial crisis (the physical abuse) so my therapist has asked me to think about what I want to work on next, I think recovery from the emotional abuse would be a good thing to suggest. Ho…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 12:24 PM
8

I’m almost finished reading The Gift of Fear and it has helped me with this. A sentence close to the end of the book says something like you don’t have to walk through daily life feeling afraid or always being on guard, you can be calm, your fear and intuition will let you know when there is a problem. Eta: your ex sounds awful, I’m glad he’s an ex. You don’t sound too impressed by your therapist either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 11:01 AM
4

A couple I know met in AA and the guy told me that the woman was living with her abusive sister, until he helped her get a flat and is staying with her to keep her company during quarantine. He told the story to me twice over the course of a few months, he tells it as though he is a hero who rescued her from her abusive sister but in reality, the flat is rented to the woman by the local council. His name isn’t on the tenancy and it will affect her benefits if the council found out he lives there…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/09/20 05:51 PM
2

I had so many reasons for wanting this done but that was one of mine as well, too many people I know are connected to dangerous men for life because they have children with them, and these men use the children as an excuse to stay in contact with the mother while not really caring about the children.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/09/20 05:26 PM
5

I had similar concerns about getting my tubes tied so I opted to get them removed (salpingectomy), that one is 100% effective sterilisation, no chance of reversal, and as a bonus, it reduces the risk of an aggressive form of ovarian cancer that starts in the fallopian tubes. I was told that if I changed my mind, I’d have to self fund IVF.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/09/20 10:41 AM
7

I got my tubes removed two days ago, I’m 35. So far I feel relieved and peaceful. There is no chance of regret for me, I’ve known this was the right thing for me to do for a long time. The process was surprisingly easy for me. My GP referred me without hesitation, then the gynaecologist approved me after a short conversation, no counselling necessary. I thought it would be more difficult as I do not have children.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/09/20 10:35 AM
2

He was definitely an asshole, a violent one, it’s so true that people tell on themselves in the first few weeks, lesson learned.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/09/20 05:03 PM
21

“I’m not good for you” “I don’t try to sleep with every woman I talk to” “Women fall in love with me then turn crazy” “I’m the perfect man” (joking) “You’re not my type but I find you intriguing” “I’m a better friend than a boyfriend” (fwb, I know) “I cheated on my wife for 17 years but I want to be different now” (told me that story twice, six months apart)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/09/20 11:36 AM
5

Thank you for this, I needed it today 💕👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 09:48 PM
3

Rise Up by Andra Day
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 05:56 PM
2

I loved this part
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 01:46 PM
7

Someone on here said they “thrive on infamy” I’ve kept that in mind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 09:25 AM
6

I’m so sorry you went through that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 11:38 PM
6

I’ve been listening to: Truth Hurts - Lizzo Midnight Sky - Miley Cyrus Instant Crush - Daft Punk
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 04:48 AM
8

I’ve always disliked the idea of karma existing because I wonder what I have done to deserve some of the terrible things that have happened to me. None of the bad things I’ve done warrant what I have had to put up with.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 09:32 PM
2

I think I might have the opposite problem, I see traits of selfishness and narcissism in myself but I can’t bring myself to use them to my benefit. I see them as part of my illness when really I’m looking out for myself and being human. Maybe it’s the codependency and self sacrifice programming that is making me think that being selfish and having some of the traits of narcissism is a problem. I’d only consider them a real problem if I hurt other people. (I’ve been told I’m selfish more than onc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 09:23 PM
5

I agree, they do something wrong and get over it within days
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 09:16 PM
4

I got more shit for the way I reacted when I was being manipulated than the guy did for manipulating me. No leeway at all for me, I lost three mutual friends in the process, he lost nothing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 09:14 PM
3

I’m so glad he’s gone. You seem very self aware, if only men could be as introspective as we are. As for him not showing interest and asking further, it’s his loss, you seem like a really decent person, one that anyone would be lucky to know.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 08:07 PM
9

My ex husband was a lovely man, treated me well but turned out to be a huge liar (the warning signs were there from the start), we divorced in 2012 and my mam was convinced we’d get back together one day (no chance). That was until last week when his current wife was asking me questions because she didn’t know he’d previously been married. She had to find me online because he shut her out when she asked for more information (after seeing my name on an old document). Still a liar. My mam finally …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 07:01 PM
2

I’m feeling like this too
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 06:52 PM
5

I love my weighted blanket
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 06:51 PM
4

Good for you, I love how you keep saying that you did communicate, and aren’t letting him make you believe otherwise. I’m sorry it hurts at the moment and I’m glad your family and friends are supportive.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 06:37 PM
12

I’ve stopped even looking at men in the street. I used to smile politely, maybe say “good morning”, not anymore.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 06:14 PM
18

I wouldn’t be surprised if it was reddit
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 05:29 PM
28

My ex said he thought all women secretly wanted to be raped.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 04:07 PM
5

Thank you, it was a really difficult decision to make and that’s what it came down to, looking out for a fellow woman. It’s only been three months so he’s still on best behaviour, I can see that she’s in the love bombing phase, same as I was. That’s what I hope, and that she gets out sooner than I did, because you’re right, it is a “when” and not “if” he does something. True, I’ve done my bit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 04:03 PM
3

Thank you. I think so too, it would’ve saved me a lot of trouble. This man’s wife (separated for two years) was with him for 17 years, he cheated on her all the way through, even during pregnancy, so I bet she has some stories to share to his new girlfriend. I only spoke about my experience with him, I didn’t even mention what I know about the way he treated his wife (I think it’s her story to tell). He should not be dating. He needs to be removed from society.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 03:55 PM
6

I’m afraid not, she was defensive and quite confrontational. She questioned my motives, sanity, and credibility. Then after I gave her the information she said I’d twisted the truth and made it up. I made sure I stayed civil and polite throughout (calling her out for being rude and disrespectful when necessary) because I was a stranger giving her some bad news. He’d told her about me already and gave his version of events, which she assured me she believed. Despite all of that, I’m glad I did it…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 03:50 PM
3

Thank you, for the hugs too. 20+ years is a very long time, I don’t think you would’ve taken the decision to leave lightly so I’m glad you’re starting to feel better about getting out, the mixed thoughts are difficult and I think a lot of them come from the way we’re programmed to be, as well as our kind, compassionate sides. Hugs to you too, if you want them. I believe in you too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 10:18 AM
20

I love this. I’m going to write a list of my past queen moves as well. I’m feeling rough at the moment, trying to break a trauma bond, it feels like an addiction. I need to remind myself of who I am. Even recently I’ve had queen moments mixed in with the cringe (mostly private cringe, thankfully, and thanks to someone on this sub reminding me to mourn in silence).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 08:47 PM
32

Same, this community has supported me through a recent crisis more than anyone in my personal life has. I would’ve felt so alone without all of you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 08:42 PM
34

I am sorry you went through that, it sounds terrifying. I’m glad he’s your soon to be ex. I was assaulted a few months ago and this weekend I decided to warn his new girlfriend about his violent side (I’m not sure what the rules are on this, I haven’t got through the full handbook yet). I mentioned his history of violent behaviour and she asked me for examples of other people he had hurt, one of them was his mother, he told me he’s had actual fist fights with his mother in the past, I was so sho…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 06:12 PM
3

My former fwb said he doesn’t like shower curtains because they get dirty... he has a washing machine for that
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 03:08 PM
21

I’m the same, I find that if I think they’re good, it means I don’t know enough about them yet. Sending my best wishes to you for getting through the recovery period, I hope it’s as quick and painless as possible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 05:35 PM
1

Thank you for saying that, I’m struggling a bit with it today, I knew it was going to be a difficult conversation but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear myself being talked about like that. I have to keep bringing it back to that, that I have done my part and it’s enough. I hope it helps her (I also hope she never meets the version of him that I did but I think she will, unfortunately). I agree, I fell for the same manipulation only weeks before she did.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 04:16 PM
5

I think she was finding any reason not to believe me so I get it. I wouldn’t have seen that age gap as a red flag years ago either, now we know better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 09:04 PM
4

Thank you for this, it’s exactly what I needed today. I finally reached out to his new girlfriend, after agonising for months. She thinks I made it up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 08:44 PM
7

This is where I am today. I reached out to the new girlfriend, it didn’t go well, she thinks I made it all up for my own gratification, because I’m crazy and want to break them up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 08:43 PM
29

I know! I’ve never wrote it out like that before. I didn’t end up reporting him. I got away and wanted to forget. I still remember his name and wonder if I’ll see him in the news one day. I currently have a complaint in about how the police handled a recent assault that I reported.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 09:28 PM
71

A man smashed up a phone because I wouldn’t answer his call to ask me to sleep with him again that night, after he’d taken advantage of me when I was blackout drunk the night before. Edited to add: a few weeks later he scalded me, shaved a chunk of my hair off, then beat me up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 09:22 PM
73

Would you believe my former FWB managed to make me feel like this in missionary position? Holding himself up on straight arms, our upper bodies not touching at all. It was bizarre. This post describes why it felt wrong it at the time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/08/20 06:41 PM
1

They all sound like great things to occupy your mind and improve your life. It’s great to hear you have more time to focus on the things you enjoy. Take care of yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 12:35 PM
24

Good for you, I’m sorry it hurts so much but you’re strong enough to get through it. Keep going, keep writing. You sound like a great person, I hope you enjoy finding out who you are without him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 07:02 PM
4

Same with my ex husband, a decent man, a great friend, but he cheated on me. I think he intended to end the marriage because he knew it couldn’t work if he cheated. Dishonesty is my biggest deal breaker.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/20 05:13 PM
3

That’s one blessing I took from my most recent “friendship”, I overshared about my history of abuse (never again) but I shared very little about myself, he doesn’t have a clue who I am. He knows what people have done to me but he doesn’t know me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/20 01:11 PM
45

This could’ve been written for my former FWB. I hadn’t even finished reading when I thought him kissing me on the forehead felt manipulative, then you said it “a lot of these gentle forms of affection have been ruined for me because men use them to slowly lead women into having sex”. Same. I’m sorry that happened to you. Here’s to finding men that can offer us respect and politeness, and more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/08/20 07:25 PM
13

I thought the same, I love the first few minutes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 08:45 PM
2

Thank you for sharing this, it’s really helpful
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:26 PM
2

Thank you for this, it’s a great post
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:25 PM
17

It’s money well spent for freedom and a lesson
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 06:57 PM
19

I was about 30
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 06:11 PM
2

I think that’s part of what happened to me, I was having a really bad day when I finally decided to go to his house, he’d been asking me for a few weeks. I want to break that pattern, it hasn’t been good for me. Best of luck to both of us. We deserve the best.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 10:01 PM
2

They do, that’s something I’ve noticed on here, even down to the things they say. Same, I ended up with feelings too, it felt very unhealthy though, more like an attachment. I have been attracted to three of them so there’s definitely something about them. For me, they seem familiar. I hope you’re right about the HVM because then we can learn to spot them eventually.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 09:40 PM
2

Honestly, our situations are scarily similar, even down to the cheating on his ex. I also ignored red flags, so many of them, I felt like none of them mattered because I wasn’t going to be in a relationship with him. Definitely a learning process, I’ve learned so much from this experience.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 08:35 PM
7

Block him. Don’t feel bad for him or make excuses (mentally handicapped), I’m not saying to assume the worst but also don’t give anyone a free pass to be weird towards you. We’re far too polite sometimes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 08:25 PM
2

You’re welcome. I’m the same, introverted and I also think this man wouldn’t have had access to me if it wasn’t for the pandemic. Yes, it is very difficult and painful at the time, especially if it’s rare and if you feel intensely for people (same). I feel like this was the final straw for my trust in men, I’ve had too many bad experiences. However, I now know they were low value and my boundaries were bad. I’m not writing men off completely, I’ll only tolerate HVM from now on (not that I’ve eve…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 08:23 PM
12

You have done the right thing by ending it. Well done, that took strength. Don’t beat yourself up for not doing it in the beginning, it’s been a difficult year and it’s always easier to say what we should’ve done when we’re looking back. I’m glad you’re going to therapy, I hope it helps while you get your feelings for him out of your system (which you will, you won’t always feel like this). I also recently found out that FWB isn’t for me, it’s a shame because in theory, it’s an ideal way to get …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 08:02 PM
8

My therapist told me “it can be painful to stick to your values”. Since I started levelling up, this phrase has kept coming up in every area of my life. I’ve been setting boundaries, complaining, speaking out for myself, cutting people off. It’s been very difficult and uncomfortable but I know it will be worth it to protect myself. Thank you for reminding us that we’re awesome for trying. Keep going, ladies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 10:45 AM
1

Thank you, it was a lesson learned and it brought me here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 10:35 AM
24

The “friend” bit is what got me, I took it literally, like we were going to be friends. Friends that occasionally have sex. The way he described it it sounded like the friendship of a lifetime. How wrong I was to think that could work. It was traumatic. There was no friendship, there were no benefits.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 09:44 PM
7

Ah he thinks he’s equal to her
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/20 09:31 PM
33

I was annoyed a few weeks ago hearing my upstairs neighbour (37F) trying to wake her boyfriend (44M) up for an appointment, it took several attempts and each time he was groaning like a teenager about it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/20 06:39 PM
1

Thank you for sharing, this page and the comments are great.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 12:38 PM
3

They’re so disappointing
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 11:58 AM
2

“I will never date you again because you have low character and an ugly personality” I love this, queen 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 11:58 AM
2

Thank you 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 12:20 PM
3

Thank you, and definitely yes, fuck all of them. Silence is difficult too, not even one bit of compassion or empathy. Same, it’s awful that we have these experiences then the follow up can be just as traumatic. I’m glad we have this place
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 12:19 PM
15

Thank you for understanding, and you’re right, I have tried to sabotage myself. I’m determined to break this cycle. Thank you for your kind words and for being here. This community has helped me through this and continues to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 12:17 PM
3

Thank you, I’ve often felt more supported here than I have irl, but it’s also helped to give me the words to ask the people around me for what I need and to tell them what happened. Thank you for being here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 12:14 PM
3

Happened to me recently, I was assaulted by a man and I lost all three of our mutual friends. Thank you for reminding me why I shouldn’t let them back in my life. I was heartbroken. They couldn’t even give me basic support, I answered their questions and thought they’d understand but no, they got the information then asked to be left out of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 11:54 AM
10

Thank you. I’m glad you can see it now and that we’ve both found this place. It’s hard enough when you don’t think they’re great in the first place but it must be awful when you think they’re a good man and they turn out to be manipulative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 11:14 AM
22

It’s a horrible feeling, I’m sorry you went through it too. Usually I can deal with things myself but this time I reached out to nearly all of my friends because of the confusion. So much so that I now consider having to “ask my friends if something is ok” as a red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 10:34 AM
62

Thank you for reminding me that I’m not addicted to him, I’m addicted to the highs and lows. I’m currently trying to break an addiction to a man that treated me very badly so I couldn’t understand why I still want to be near him. He had his kind/fun side but it was outweighed by his nasty side. I still miss him but I have to remind myself it’s the drama and fun that I really miss.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 10:31 AM
54

I agree, my other telltale sign was the confusion
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/20 10:28 AM
3

I’ve never understood how they can say all of that stuff then immediately say/do the opposite. Or why.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 12:28 PM
3

How long did it take you to get over this? I’m almost seven weeks no contact and it’s still on my mind every day. He assaulted me and I got the police involved so that’s still ongoing. I lost three long term friends and fell out with my sister over this. My “friend” said I harassed him because he wouldn’t be my friend (during the emotional wreck stage, I left him alone after he said the friendship was over, before that he’d been breadcrumbing). I don’t know if it’s because of the assault and the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 12:27 PM
1

Same
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 12:20 PM
11

I felt like I turned into a completely different person with the man that most recently abused and manipulated me. It’s been six weeks no contact and I still haven’t calmed down properly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 12:02 PM
13

Lovely to read, I’m proud of you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 08:13 PM
2

Fantastic news, congratulations, I hope everything goes well with the move and the new start 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 11:25 AM
17

Wtf? I can’t read past the title.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 08:15 PM
6

I feel that, that’s been my experience of men. Every trauma I’m trying to recover from has been done by a man.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 07:08 PM
14

If they hate us so much, why don’t they leave us alone. Someone on here recently said that when women hate men they want to stay away from them. When men hate women, they do the opposite, they invade our space, harass us etc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:22 PM
22

I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s awful, every woman I know has a similar experience.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:15 PM
222

Thank you for letting all of the young women in the neighbourhood know. I recently was assaulted by a friend of a friend and would have appreciated a warning in advance about the type of man he is. I’ve been discouraged from announcing it on Facebook, I wish I could somehow warn the women in my community. I know I’m not the first and I won’t be the last.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:01 PM
3

Not much for me. I was more influenced by the relationships of the adults around me, none of which seemed to model a healthy relationship. Many with traits that are outdated now e.g. the woman serving the man and raising the children while the man works.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 02:01 PM
29

That last paragraph, I wish I could say that to my last LVM FWB. He was complaining that he felt suicidal because his wife kicked him out after tolerating 17 years of cheating. He admitted that the usual routine was for him to get kicked out for two weeks then return home.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 01:40 PM
21

I feel deep anxiety and fear too, that is what men have taught me to feel about them. Which is why I will be staying away from dating until I feel different. In the mean time, I will work on other areas of my life. ETA: I think the only way to move with caution is to raise our standards and be certain that they will not waver for any reason.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 01:19 PM
14

It’s amazing what we do for the comfort of others. I have been told I’m cold as well. It took me a long time to stop looking out for other people’s emotions, I take care of my feelings, they can take care of theirs. I found that I can say something in the nicest way possible but a person can still take offence if they don’t like what I’m saying (I’m thinking of something I had to say recently that made my sister fall out with me).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 09:55 PM
33

I’m going to start doing the same. I stopped adding “lol” to soften my messages a while ago, I sometimes still use it but the majority of the time “I said what I said”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 07:42 PM
103

I never understood why I feel uncomfortable writing “just”, now I do. Thank you for sharing this. I’ve also been working on not automatically smiling at men when they look at me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 04:45 PM
16

I’ll be doing this from now on
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 06:54 PM
2

That’s a great idea, thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 05:24 PM
3

Or they ignore you the second they get into a relationship. I watched one of my friendships deteriorate at the exact same rate his new relationship took off. He wasn’t my friend to begin with either.,
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 12:19 PM
2

That’s my problem. I can see some of the red flags and question them, but I need to work on getting the person out of my life before the damage is done.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 12:03 PM
5

I found that when I questioned him for mistreating me, I was accused of harassing him by our mutual friends. All for asking him to explain himself. I know now that I should’ve immediately blocked and deleted him. People really don’t like to be questioned when they’re mistreating you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 11:36 AM
3

Hello, I’ve been talking to a mental health specialist (I think he’s a nurse) for the last six weeks which has helped me get through the worst of this. I’m on a waiting list for therapy so I hope that happens soon.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 10:24 AM
5

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I’m sorry you have been through similar. That’s true about the steps it takes to make the social media, originally I thought these would at least slow me down, giving me time to reconsider. I like the idea of five weeks (and I hate it, as it won’t let me feed, what feels like, an addiction), I’m going to try that, thank you. I have to stop slowing down the healing process. A similar thing helped me when I was struggling not to contact a former friend…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 10:19 AM
17

How do I stop checking in on former FWB that abused and assaulted me? It’s been six weeks since I went No Contact but I keep checking in on him and his new gf. Yesterday I made a fake profile and tried to follow him. I keep trying to bring the focus back to myself and my own life but this compulsion is too difficult to ignore. I have anxiety and depression, checking in makes me feel nauseous and more anxious. I’m very isolated and check in on them more often when I’m having a bad day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 11:18 AM
5

Get in, ladies
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/20 07:35 PM
6

I am so sorry that happened to you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/20 07:30 PM
7

So sorry that happened to you, well done on the block and delete, it’s something I’ve been working on too
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/08/20 09:56 PM
5

Can confirm, a former FWB told me that a lot of women from his past “fell in love” with him and “turned crazy” because “that’s just what happens”. He told me that story early in our friendship. Guess who’s one of them now. He asked me if I loved him during an argument about him disrespecting me, then told me I was acting crazy and “this is what happens”. He wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain I was hurt and angry because of what he did, he’d already decided I was in love and crazy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/08/20 10:56 PM
19

I signed up to online dating recently and set the age range from 32-37 and I noticed that something happens to a lot of men at about age 35, they aged drastically.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/08/20 10:21 PM
105

This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry you and your mam went through this. I hope you’re doing well now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/07/20 07:13 PM
3

You got this, good luck sister
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 08:21 PM
7

I’m glad you still went on the trip and enjoyed yourself. I’m in a similar situation atm in that I’m waiting for his new gf to see his true colours. I’m really struggling to drop the grudge but I’m determined to focus on my own life. I’m proud of you for dropping your grudge, you deserve peace and to live your own life without his drama.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 08:16 PM
2

It is, I have a lot more healing to do but I’m safe and making decisions that will make my life better instead of keeping the wrong people around me. Thank you. I hope everything is good with you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 07:57 PM
4

I can relate to this. I’m healing from a recent emotional rollercoaster and I’ve often felt bored now that things have settled down. I’m starting to enjoy my peaceful life again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 03:11 PM
18

I’ve saved this. I’m getting my tubes removed later this year or early next year. I’ll share this if anyone asks why. I have so many reasons but I’ve never bothered to put the reason about men into words, this does that perfectly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 02:52 PM
4

I needed this today, thank you for sharing
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 02:31 PM
2

Thank you, having the people closest to me reacting like that was unexpected, not one of them supported me or reacted in the same way I would
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 09:35 AM
1

Thank you so much, I found the same, that no one could really explain them to me. I worked on raising my self esteem in therapy for a few months and I still can’t tell you what we did, all I know is that I still ended up in a bad situation, accepting treatment I knew was wrong. I’ll watch that video, thanks again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 09:33 AM
5

And even if the woman doesn’t consent, and chooses to report the crime, it’s up to her to provide evidence to prove that she didn’t consent to being injured.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 09:30 AM
9

We all deserved better
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 09:26 AM
30

I’ve never understood why men continue to mess up relationships when they could have such a happy life with us if they simply treat us with respect, the men I’ve encountered can’t even manage that. I’ve been enjoying Ruby Amanfu’s cover of Bitch recently, it was in the series Little Fires Everywhere
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 11:06 PM
42

For me, it’s feminine rage
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 11:03 PM
2

Hey Queen 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:59 PM
18

When I reported my abuser I was told we cannot consent to injury (UK, Assualt occasioning Actual Bodily Harm), this suddenly became irrelevant when the police changed the charge half way through, without telling me (I still don’t know, I’ve put in a complaint) and the new charge had to prove I didn’t consent. Which even the police said is difficult to prove at the best of times. My point it that men are using consent to get away with their crimes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:34 PM
39

Absolutely awful. I was bitten and bruised by a FWB, without consent, and had to tolerate comments like Maybe he lost control, as men do Next time tell him what you’re into and you won’t end up in this situation (I did, before, during and after, he completely disregarded it) It sounds like you have different sexual preferences Some people bruise easily, are you one of those people? I’m not sure this is a police matter And more, it was heartbreaking to consider that these women have been putting …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:27 PM
4

Currently searching for mine. I’m glad you found yours and are putting it to use with the grey rock method
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:22 PM
156

Exactly, I’ve always had to protect myself, and the women around me. The women have protected me in return. Usually from men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:20 PM
108

This is one of the reasons I opted out of having children, the women are expected to sacrifice their time and effort while men do the bare minimum
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:18 PM
124

The last man that assaulted me bragged to me about being a protector. That he hated men that hurt women. Then denied everything when I reported him to the police for assaulting me. I bet he still believes he’s a protector that hates men that abuse women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:17 PM
5

Thank you for the virtual hugs, I needed them. I’m currently not interested in dating until I can learn more about what I want, and get my health in order. I like all of your suggestions, I have journaled so much this month and it has helped a lot. That sounds lovely, the joy and peace of getting to know myself, thank you. All the best to you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:11 PM
4

Yes, I just wrote that I want to have sky high standards in every type of relationship I have. My recent problem (I was abused physically, mentally and emotionally by a FWB), has made the people around me show their true colours. I’ve lost three friends and a sister because they have chosen to remain friends with the man that abused me. My mam said I should wait and see what happens with my friends before I cut them off, I said no, I didn’t want people like that in my life. When I asked my mam a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:05 PM
2

It’s amazing what we can see when we look back. I let so many things slide that I wouldn’t tolerate now. I still have a long way to go but sky high standards are my goal, for every type of relationship in my life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:01 PM
7

I completely agree, I’ve stood my ground for the most part. I’m happy for you, and I’m glad you’re taking the time you need. I think FDS will be life changing for me too. Things are difficult atm but I’m determined to turn it into something good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 10:00 PM
13

You sound like a lovely woman, I’m wishing your mom a speedy recovery. I hope you find someone to cherish you, you deserve that and more, I’m rooting for you. I’m women first 2020 too, it’s the women her and irl that have helped my healing the most. I prefer solitude but I have to learn to let these women in
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:58 PM
5

Fantastic self care ideas, keep it going
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:56 PM
20

I’ve been No Contact for four weeks, from a LVM FWB that abused me physically, mentally and emotionally over two months (the most destructive time of my life and I’ve lived through some horror). I reported him to the police for the physical assault then complained about how the police handled the investigation so it’s not over yet. I look forward to the day where he’s not on my mind every day. He’s out there with a new girlfriend (she knows I reported him to the police and what for), living life…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:55 PM
4

I prefer to take measurements. Type two diabetes runs in my family so I started keeping track of my waist measurement. It’s meant to be half of your height (I’m about 170cm tall so I keep my waist at 85cm or less)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:48 PM
11

I’m divorced, one of my friends said she would rather be divorced than have never been married by now (we’re 35). It sounded like a box she wanted to tick, I told her it’s not worth it, getting married seemed like the right thing to do at the time but I wouldn’t do it again (with him, definitely LVM, he cheated on me two years into the marriage).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:12 PM
15

Your future sounds lovely. Same, I wasn’t picky enough in the past either and am currently suffering. I hope you’re doing well now. I like the sound of being the most important person in my life, I’ve been called selfish a lot over the years for focusing on my own life and health, it has to be done though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:08 PM
13

I find being childfree helped me to be more comfortable being single until I find the right man, there’s no hurry. I have so much mental health work and healing to do before I get into a relationship so I’m glad I have the time to focus on that and learn what I need to learn from FDS before I date again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 09:06 PM
3

Great to hear it, keep going
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/20 08:40 PM
3

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, you deserve so much more. You’re going to be ok, you won’t always feel like this. Take care of yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/20 08:26 PM
8

Also look out for the “look how honest I am” types. My last one (FWB gone wrong) told me stories about how bad he used to be and now wants to change, the whole reformed character thing, then proceeded to mess me up more than any friend ever has. Now he has a girlfriend who I feel tempted to warn. I reported him to the police for assault and apparently she knows about this. I don’t think my warnings would do any good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 05:17 PM
2

I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope better quality people have came into your life. I agree, they’ll see him for what he is eventually.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 01:05 PM
2

Thank you. I am sorry to hear you have been through something similar. I have been to the police, he was interviewed, he denied it, the police took no further action. I have deleted photos on my phone of my injuries that I hoped the police could retrieve but they didn’t try. They changed the charge half way through without telling me too, so I’ve put a complaint in. It’s been a difficult process but I’m determined to see it through to the end. They kept talking about the grey area, I honestly co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 11:13 AM
2

Thank you. I keep hoping they’ll come round and tell me they believe me one day but I don’t need their validation. I know what happened, he knows what happened.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 11:05 AM
3

Thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 10:38 PM
4

Absolutely, thank you for your optimism, I’m working really hard to heal, learn from this and improve my life
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 09:30 PM
8

Thank you, it does mean a lot. Not having them believe me added a whole new layer of pain. They’re gone, all four of them, I’ll never speak to them again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 09:27 PM
18

I was assaulted by a male friend recently and our three mutual friends have all fallen out with me, saying “there are two sides to every story” I’ve been ill all week because of it, how many times they said it. They think my side of the story is just my “perception” of what happened. They seem to believe his side and have chosen to side with him. I’ll save this line. I’ll own my side and my perception despite what they think. My side is MY TRUTH. Thank you for saying this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 09:20 PM
3

I hear you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 04:10 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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