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passionatevirtuoso Archive

View 4 posts and 300 comments by passionatevirtuoso on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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5

I hate texting and I have the same behavior as what you mentioned. Also, a guy can be texting nonstop but he could just be using you as entertainment, for instance, or to boost his ego. So it is quality and consistency over quality: Does he reciprocate your energy/care/attention during those times? Or does he seem cold and standoffish, giving brief answers without much enthusiasm? Consistency and quality/thoughtfulness are key. I don't think it matters if he texts A LOT. But it MUST be high qual…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:24 AM
5

No. He is inappropriate. Also the constant use of 'lol' as a filler sentence is incredibly grating. It makes the person sound quite insecure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:19 AM
4

Yes, they do. Plus balding solutions, premature ejaculation solutions, muscle enhancement, dating advice. Source: Made a cake FB profile to check my privacy settings. Set it to male.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:18 AM
3

I don't know if this was a good thing to say (please do weigh in). Here are some things I've said: "I want a committed relationship in the future. I am picky though, I've got a pretty full life." "I want what my parents have - they've pretty much got a fairy tale marriage. That said I'm also content with singledom." "I don't spend time with anyone I don't see a future with. I have enough friends already." (I regret this one tbh... I am not sure why. But it felt right and honest. It still does. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 07:13 AM
3

Perfectly put!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:47 AM
-1

Not here to debate the merits of a guy I'm not interested in dating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:44 AM
12

Oh God. :( Men not washing their damn hands is why I am assiduous about washing mine!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:03 AM
0

I'm not here to debate that. He's not date worthy, he is a great friend.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:00 AM
17

Oh noooo that's so bizarre. He mailed you his used cum socks. For the sake of the thread, did he at least WASH them first...!?! ;) Still, that's some weird stuff right there. And we don't find out until wayyyy into the relationship, do we! PS the HV guy I was dating found out I got a UTI from sex, and he looked it up and the next day, he purchased pH appropriate soap to wash his hands and his bits and my bits before sex every time. And he made it a romantic part of foreplay. Used only lube for s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 07:29 PM
12

Love bell hooks. Truth right here. 'Great' sex vs soul-satisfying sex (which is great sex x 1000 plus a positive vibes for weeks).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 04:33 AM
12

This sounds awesome! Saving this for later.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 04:21 AM
2

Asking for help is not weak. Telling someone to do their jobs (which yes, the manager and employees ARE tasked with stopping incidences like this) is not weak. Escalating a non-violent situation so that a man with 100lbs and 2 feet on us can attack us is stupid. This is neither a hate nor stupid advice sub, and that is why I downvoted it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 04:20 AM
6

WTF. Yes, glad she defended herself. But NO. Trigger warning please. This is some hateful stuff.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 03:31 AM
3

I kind of went the other way. For one, I have survived some pretty bad, long years with depression and suicidal thinking, and surviving that made me feel basically indestructible. Like 'You think you can hurt me? Hahaha!' I also went into this relationship fully aware he had some toxic traits. I just wasn't aware of how bad it was, and he also covered up some of his other hateful views and a few other toxic traits. However, we were compatible in other ways and I wanted to chance it, in case he w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 02:13 AM
2

You've got it exactly right. He did that stuff too. I grew up in a very healthy family and in some ways, I was naive. I am glad I learned these things now, they keep me safe and help me spend more time on emotionally healthy, lovely people. I'm fine now - it didn't take me too long to realize he was an abuser and to get out. Hope your post will help other women do the same. I'm glad you're out of it too! Hugs and thanks for the comment :) PS re: his ex gf - even if she did those things, what's t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 11:08 AM
57

Absolutely! I want to join a women only commune.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 11:00 AM
6

First, understand that he is using tactics he learned from.when he grew up. And when I say 'use', I just mean that it is his natural reaction. He grew up likely in a toxic, terrible environment. He may or may not be aware that his natural reaction is toxic and harmful - my ex was half aware, and when confronted with it, told me it was his right to lash out, for instance. So this isn't part of a grand conspiracy. When I say tactics, I mean actions taken in bad faith (e.g. gaslighting) that, throu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 10:46 AM
6

It doesn't matter if it was on purpose or not, to be honest. Sorry you had to deal with that, we are used to normal people so when someone just completely acts like reality isn't real, we get confused. The point is, confronted with the truth, it simply doesn't get inside his head... And it never will That is his nature: inconvenient or ego-deflating facts do not exist. I did this when my ex when he made a big deal about how the population of New Zealand was 20 million, and after a while of him p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 10:23 AM
6

Thanks for posting your story. From personal experience, I understood VERY well what tactics he was using. I would have never guessed that people like your ex (and my ex) existed - people who straight up denied reality to the point that I resorted to taking screenshots and audio recordings. But they do and they only show themselves when you point out how they are wrong about something (could be as minor as a weird misspelling of a common word) Good on you for getting away, and thanks for sharing…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 06:17 AM
19

For other people reading this The reason OP was still upset is simple: he never took responsibility for his own actions, never admitted to being at fault for OP being hurt, and never confirmed that OP getting hurt was a normal and warranted reaction. For this kind of person, it WILL NEVER EVER matter how well or clearly you explain something. There is no magical set of words that will make them understand. They don't get it because 'getting it' means they were wrong. And being wrong is equivalen…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 02:47 AM
10

I get approached probably one in four events I go to for my hobby. And when I used to have a wider circle of friends, it was at least once a month. So imagine, pre Covid, when I would go to a hobby event 9-12 times a month... Then having a friend ask me out and losing said friendship, or an acquaintance asking me or and getting sulky. It was exhausting having to be afraid that rejecting anyone would result in then raging at me (as it had many times) so now I have very very few friends, I keep an…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 02:40 AM
13

Childfree here. 99% of men who say they are childfree mean they are either 1) 'Childfree' right NOW and expect you to change your mind... 2) 'Childfree' because they don't want to get married/have a long-term relationship... 3) 'Childfree' because they have very difficult mental or physical problems or 4) 'Childfree' because they have kids but they don't take care of them. It freaking sucks. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 05:00 AM
30

The other comments cover the main reason pretty well. Many men see us rejecting/attacking LV/NV men and perceive it as attacking ALL men, which is not true. Here are some more reasons (not saying I agree with all of them them, btw): Posts calling victims of bad/abusive relationships 'Pickmes' (this I do hate though) Any feminist comments... Anything feminist tends to get hate from Reddit And also posts bashing ideologies unrelated to FDS, e.g. bashing aspects of feminism, unrelated to men/dating…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 04:48 AM
164

Why would he think this is an attractive or funny thing to say? Also... 'girls over 30'... Having menstruated for nearly two decades, I would have hoped they'd have earned the right to be called women...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 04:19 AM
15

Also... Men pay for the bill is so that they own you. Dating is cheap. Them paying means either flaming misogynist or traditional/conservative guy (aka a bit misogynist) OR (occasionally) HVM. Them NOT paying, (at first) can possibly indicate they do not have this specific toxic mindset. So the opposite of FDS. No one thinks they are truly exclusive until they are basically engaged. So... A lot of drama and cheating on both sides. Very few forever girlfriend situations because everyone lives wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:26 AM
12

Exactly this! I tried explaining this and was just massively attacked by 4-5 different FDSers. Even got my flair changed to Pickme or something by a mod. I am glad see there are more people like me out there. It's good to have rules, but understand and don't attack others if there are very, very good reasons they do not work on the other side of the hemisphere hahaha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:10 AM
12

I agree re: the flairs, very much so. It is always better to have context. I learn a lot from younger people, who in some ways have had to grow up and get wise to a lot of the toxicity more quickly than I have had to. So in addition to giving us some context to how much experience they have, age flairs would give us a good idea too about how little experience/intuition us oldies might have, hahaha.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:09 AM
4

Yes, I am always happy to see posts highlighting diversity here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 03:06 AM
29

US guys are one of the worst at FDS rules. I so agree. Where I have lived,, 99% of the players and assholes easily pay for dinners, and are very good at not being upfront about being just into it for hookups. They know to not turn things sexual too soon and they are happy to bide their time becsuse they are usually dating 3-4 other women. That is because things are cheap here. What was good for me to figure out from FDS was more how to level up. Ooh also and the hygiene of many US men :( How. Wh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 06:58 PM
71

Thank you so much. I do not live in the US and I often got downvoted, attacked and belittled for mentioning cultural differences. It gets me frustrated when I get lectured on not following every single FDS rule even though some of them don't make sense when looking the cultural norms of a non-Western, non-English-speaking, non-Christian, and currently non-democratic country. Like it is a freaking monarchy here, ladies. The gender equality/inequality is expressed in some different ways, and so is…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 06:54 PM
2

Alright, fair enough, that is true...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 12:31 PM
8

Yep, that sucks. Own it. Then... Learn from it. Learn why you did it. Learn what you should have done instead. Make amends to your ex, in whatever way is owed, for your own integrity, and to YOURSELF. The best way to do that is level up. Look... I hate cheating of course, we all do. I also know people make mistakes. The way to forgiveness for yourself and those closest to you (because that is who really matters) is to learn and change. So see this as an opportunity. Also see this as an opportuni…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 05:13 AM
2

Trigger warning please. Really did not need this first thing in the morning, how does this help with FDS goals?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 05:04 AM
11

I'm so sorry to hear. May I suggest you try r/anxiety? That has helped me a lot. It sounds like you already know some of these reactions are more than just regular jealousy, it does sound like anxiety which can manifest in various ways. You also have not mentioned that your BT's behaviour has caused you to feel this way, so that is why I am assuming it is anxiety. (It's different though if he is a cheater type or has other worrying behaviors! Then you would be in the right place.) See if any of …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 05:01 AM
3

Thank you :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 02:38 AM
7

I don't understand either Tweet but then again I am old. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 04:23 PM
132

I don't want any posts about straight up rape any more. I haven't even been raped and this legit brought me down. I do appreciate reminders about how awful men can be sometimes, but honestly, I would like to see fewer posts like this, not saying it should be banned or anything, but just fewer. It's not helpful, because no one in their right mind thinks this is OK behavior so it doesn't teach us anything about strategy or improving our dating lives. We have enough of the real world because we alr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 05:36 AM
10

Can someone break this down for me? I don't get it, what is the subtext I am missing?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 05:33 AM
16

I am not of the opinion that large purchases are never Ok. My ex bought me a car. But with rent... I think it's an unhealthy dynamic, tbh, mainly because it is to do with rent. There are just some gross social connotations. For instance... A man who does this might have a mindset that is too close to sugar baby/sugardaddy to be comfortable. However, you are absolutely right that your boyfriend should be grateful for and value you. Like if he helped pay for your education, or a great trip, or med…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 04:07 AM
2

Thanks, this gives me more confidence, too. (I don't live in a Western country, either, btw!) Also it's so nice to see someone who has the same attitude, that is, being quite intentional and purposeful about the media and other things we consume. That's because oftentimes I wonder if I am being too 'fussy' and overthinking things, but truthfully I feel much more content and peaceful in day to day life when I do things thoughtfully, with integrity. Like eating much less meat brings me a great dea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 06:37 PM
3

Yes. Him calling himself stupid is manipulative, especially preemptively. Keep in mind that a lot of people are unconsciously manipulative because these are reflexive strategies they have had to use growing up, or they have poor self esteem and this is a strategy they can use to avoid uncomfortable self-reflection, or whatever etc. That is, manipulative people are not evil monsters most of the time. BUT intentional or not... it STILL doesn't change that it is manipulative and toxic! There is a d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 04:27 PM
7

High five and a big hug to you :) Look how far you have come. Thank you for sharing your story.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 04:18 PM
6

I already got out of FB and IG, and no longer purchase Apple products. I also use DuckDuckGo. So I am totally in favor of what you do and I am glad to see it!!! What other substitutes do you have? I try to use Open source apps, too, but this isn't always doable. Right now, I wish I had an easy way to make the media and things I consume more in line with my values, e.g. pro racial/gender equality but I am not sure how to do it. I already am vegetarian (struggling a bit but it makes me happy), rec…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/08/20 07:58 AM
34

Manipulative AF and/or selfish and/or genuinely flaky. Your standards and expectations are super normal. His are not and ate indicative of LV or NV friends/culture/mindset Either way it's not your job to train him. You did the absolute right thing. If he is genuinely otherwise a good guy, you COULD see if he steps up... To contrast, I have a friend who did grow up in a culture where people genuinely were disrespectful about time/plans, and it was no big deal. He has improved but I would NEVER EV…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 02:57 PM
13

Ah, actually I think you are right. When I was travelling in S America I did meet many people who wanted to live in the US, and only a few people (depending on which country, I think only Urugayans...) said the US wasn't ideal. It may be an South Asia/East Asia/Southeast Asia thing re: not seeing the US as a haven. I know a few women who refused to even try to get a green card, even though they got married. They didn't want to move to the US, and the younger kids just say Trump and look to Korea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 11:10 AM
4

It's not the same thing. He is being ridiculous and doesn't care about your time. He set an actual time with you. 8.30. Which he did not honor. You told him you could not set a time and you could update him later. Which you did and you honored that expectation. I dated a guy who was EXCELLENT at making me feel like a hypocrite. He did the same thing re: being late etc. and gaslit the hell out of me. And I just accepted it because, why would he lie? Let me tell you, it's a manipulative tactic. It…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 10:02 AM
9

TBH I think this guy either has a lot of anxiety and 0 filter (not attractive) or he is manipulative (run away).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 09:56 AM
37

Lol, yeah, dude is crazy. Also, having lived in several 'third-world' countries, no. No woman is that desperate, especially to live in the USA. Everyone thinks it's a shit show over there, especially with lack of universal healthcare (I think I have heard it called "barbaric" re: level of respect to basic human rights.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 09:52 AM
3

You are doing the right thing. You have communicated clearly and these guys don't care and are trying to wear you down. I would move ASAP. I would also start using the words "harassment", "creepy" and "desperate". Because damn they are PUSHING you hard and you have said no so many times. These are accurate terms, btw. Also I would mention you have told your friends, parents, teachers etc. Scare these guys a bit. In addition, personally I would also start grossing them out. I would guess with guy…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/20 12:43 AM
3

This is my favorite comment so far. Divorce wasn't exactly allowed back then in conservative communities and she was utterly reliant on her husband to finance her own child. So while she cheated, I can sort of see why she didn't have much choice, and she did the best she could with trying to maintain boundaries, standards and independence, while also caring for her son. If it were 2020 though, I would not give her the HV label. Team Sissy here :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/08/20 05:36 PM
3

Beautiful. And also... just throwing myself a silly pity party here, I wish I had that in my life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/08/20 09:00 AM
66

He tried to kill her and the only reason she survived is luck and great medicine. Christ, 7 years! I'm not for vigilante justice but things like this make me fully understand the temptation. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/20 05:59 AM
0

Yep. Block and delete. I don't understand the people critiquing this, like this is textbook FDS. Thanks OP! Love to see this in action.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/20 01:34 AM
5

Ugh that's terrible. Covid is clearly a big issue there, why is he asking to go on a date!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/20 01:32 AM
7

Sorry, I prefer to keep it a bit private. It's not an amazing country overall (NZ is heaven!) but at least people here understand pandemics. I do feel extremely fortunate to be here and I worry a lot for my family and friends in the US :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/07/20 05:01 PM
11

Had a pedicure (varnish on nails feels strange and artificial for me, makeup doesn't as much, no idea why?)... Learned to give myself Brazilian waxes... Grew my hair longer... All because he promised more sex ... He also tried to get me to wear more dresses, wear makeup constantly, be less opinionated, be more submissive (erh what!?) That said, none of the beauty things were things I was against, just things I wasn't super interested in. And the other stuff was just... Nah, wasn't going to happe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/07/20 04:48 PM
11

Good advice in general, absolutely. To contrast... I'm in a country that has had 0 infections for 2 months. Our borders are essentially closed (mandatory government quarantine for any arrival). Basically, this country rivals New Zealand (or bests it, depending on stats you look at) when it comes to Covid. But... The people here are still cautious! 99.9% of the people here are STILL masked wherever they go, and alcohol gel is ubiquitous. People still distance themselves as much as they can, avoid…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/07/20 04:33 PM
5

For me, no. I write in my profile that they need to write something to show they've read my profile. Fewer matches but higher effort.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/07/20 01:32 AM
4

Is this a sub about dating strategy or a group about tearing down libfem and Pickmes? Because until you offer something more nuanced than dildos, you cannot possibly consider this a critique or thoughtful criticism. I am not a libfem. Look, we have the right to be angry at the patriarchy and/or whatever social forces create toxic dating culture... but we don't have the right to spread hate. I am here for dating strategy, not hate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 02:47 PM
9

I'm not a personal fan of ghosting. It sounds like you are a bit conflicted too. However, I also wouldn't judge you for ghosting. It sounds like he has been an ass. You are not obligated to text him, explain, make him understand. For me personally, the polite thing to do is make it clear it is over. That's all. And only do it if YOU want to, because he has not earned it tbh. If you do feel like it is helpful for you here are some options, "Sorry, this isn't working. Please don't contact me." Or …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 03:08 AM
22

Thank you so much for this :) This is so level headed and comforting. We often only get portrayals of extremely bad or somehow perfect marriages. Big hug of gratitude.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:46 PM
8

Like you said, some people throw out ZERO red flags in the beginning purely because they are at a good moment in their life, or the two of you happen to have very comparable preferences. So it is dangerous in fact to assume a stalker WOULD have red flags. Psychos are excellent at disguising themselves, that is how they continue to survive without immediately getting thrown in jail/beaten up. Stay vigilant. I think it is only safe to say zero red flags have been found if you have seen him go thro…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 01:57 PM
6

So, option 1: you perceive people as judging you and you have an inferiority complex Option 2: your ex is indeed judging you and thinks he is superior. It is 100% option 2. Evidence: The moment you mentioned he said it is "reinforcing weakness" (seeing difficulty and vulnerability as weakness, rather than something most people must experience to grow/situational) "Everyone knows how...." No, clearly everyone doesn't. The only reason someone would say that is to make you feel stupid. Your judgeme…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:41 AM
3

This is funny and so true and sadly, I have experienced this. Recommended read.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/07/20 02:06 AM
2

Any other resources to recommend? Any workbooks/exercises? I've read a dozen articles but most don't have any exercises beyond 'list your boundaries' or 'practice what to say or do if someone violates them'. So I wish there were more that dug deeper. Stories like this are so useful because they give examples from real life situations that are not immediately common sense to me. BTW, good luck on your training! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 03:43 PM
9

Me too. I wish I had someone like that now. But we can be that person to ourselves now. It takes practice, though. Let's give it a go. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 07:59 AM
49

This is way more inspirational than sunsets with Coelho quotes on them. Love this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 05:01 PM
3

Whoa that's crazy! :( Ugh...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 01:59 AM
17

Ugh that is awful! I can confirm that Kiwis/Aussies can also be just as messed up, sadly, but I didn't live there long enough to be able to confidently say if they are a minority or majority. East/Southeast Asian culture men (generalization) confirmed, rarely have even the concept that sex is a two-way street, they are still at the stage of thinking sex is something women give away and men take. From my female friends, South Asian cultures have their own flavor of sexual misogyny but I wouldn't …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 12:41 PM
58

WTH. Is it cool now to be a creepy gross man? This is what passes for sexy or cool? I thought MY generation had it bad. Here comes this poor kid who has tattoos, porn scripts and hair gel in place of a personality. :( Real question: for FDSers outside the US, are the men as porn addicted?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 12:09 PM
62

This is such an excellent point. An NV/LV person will commit and may even try their best to be a good partner or friend, but in the end, intentionally or not, they repeatedly come up short. And that is who they are. To translate into psychological terms... Being vigilant = having healthy emotional boundaries. For those of us who are former Pickmes or Pickmes trying to improve, vigilance can sound like paranoia or emotional distance But vigilance means self-care in the form of understanding our o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 12:05 PM
5

Wow yeah, he is trying to turn things sexual early. And everything else sounds creepy and 'crafted' for effect. He gives off desperate sexual vibes. Nope, nope, nope.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 12:19 AM
72

Blocking is a form of self-care.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 04:15 PM
3

Yeah, taking either line is problematic. Absolutely. Besides, we weren't 'created for' anything - but then that would be getting into intelligent design/evolution. That is why I kept pointing out the story is about societal attitudes, and the fact that these toxic attitudes are part of why we need FDS. OP was taking the story and her comment is more face value, and I don't agree with those face value judgements (eg. Man was not created for women therefore men need to show their value.) However, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 02:51 PM
9

Exactly what I was thinking. Patriarchy has been around for a long, long time. The story of Genesis illustrated the patriarchal thinking of that time. And it hasn't changed. Even how the Bible was mistranslated/misunderstood in English etc, some of this was due to patriarchal assumptions. So whether women were 'made' for men or not, we have been enculturated to bring a ton of value to men's lives. The conclusion you came to I can agree with. Men have not been enculturated to bring value to women…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 10:43 AM
9

I am saying that for FDS it doesn't matter why. What matters is that this is the way it is. Just because something isn't innate doesn't mean that it can be changed. Similarly, just because something IS innate doesn't mean it cannot be changed. For a fundamental illustration of this, look at how the environment can influence gene expression. Therefore, whether it is innate or not has zero bearing on strategy. I think these are worthy of discussion but they honestly do not help me with strategy. G…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 10:23 AM
41

I get what you are saying and I agree with your conclusion. It is backed up statistically that men benefit in longevity, health and income when they marry, and it is the opposite for women. I disagree re your premise, though, that this is biologically determined. It smacks of a host of other problematic things. In any case I don't even see it as useful to even discuss the premise. Whether it is innate or not is completely irrelevant. What matters is that for many men, that is the reality and how…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 09:39 AM
3

According to FDS, don't offer. Read the handbook. OTOH, and please just understand that the world doesn't operate according to US culture... In the local culture here, you have to insist on something a few times before an offer is considered genuine, so offering to pay is considered just a nice gesture. So I do offer to pay if I am not sure if I want to date the guy. It is like a last moment for the guy to impress me, if that makes sense? I am happy to give what a man gives in a relationshio but…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 06:22 AM
70

Holy crap, he dislocated her jaw because he was being violent with her, and after she told him, HE WANTED TO CONTINUE. My heart hurts for her and I need to cuddle my cat to a bit now. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 06:04 AM
13

That fear is the gut instinct we should listen to. Please do take more precautions. Don't be scared. Be prepared.xx
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 05:55 PM
7

Eww. I would say, I don't date racists, make sure he read it, and block him. But ideally, just block him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 05:18 PM
19

Thank you for updating us. You are doing great! One small note - he sounds a bit unhinged and paranoid, because he accused you of doing some ridiculous things. May I suggest you immediately change your locks, notify your neighbors/landlords (like show them a pic of the ex and tell them to be wary) and install deadbolts? I had an ex who was actually perfectly normal during our relationship of 5-6 years but he made some strange paranoid remarks after things ended... And it got a bit unpleasant aft…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 05:16 PM
68

Thank you so much for this post! One of the main reasons I was doubtful about waiting that long was because sex to me is extremely important, as a way to have fun and connect. The only other piece of advice someone ever suggested re: vetting a man for sexual compatibility was the way he kissed... Which to be honest, was never convincing and only gave a very general indicator. When you added those details like massages, cuddles etc. it made so much more sense. This fleshes out what we can look fo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 05:12 PM
24

This reminded me to check my IUD string. Puke.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 05:06 PM
53

I've dated many 'races'. In "general*, men are more self-serving across all cultures - sadly that's just the way the patriqrchy has raised everyone. Just read an article today about how men are less likely to wear masks and wash their hands even during the pandemic, and it cut across cultures. What flavor of self-serving/patriarchal behavior they show is the difference for cultures. And also how feminist they are, too, but that is also a function of culture, not race. White AND POC American men …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 04:38 AM
5

It's completely satire. OP didn't catch it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 07:15 PM
5

Not just willing, but they OFFERED. You didn't even have to ask. Absolutely. OP, whatever your next step is, it should ultimately be to demonstrate/inform your own heart as to what kind of man he is. It is to get more information for YOURSELF that will allow you to decide once and for all to stand up for your very reasonable need to feel cared for. Crucially: how comfortable is he with having you sacrificing more than him? How often does he offer (not just acquiesce) to sacrifice for you?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 07:12 PM
7

I also do not want a fancy wedding but if my fiance wanted it, I would do it. That's what people who are HV and in love do for each other. It's not like you are asking him for a kidney... You gave him wife benefits already, so why would he want to change that? I don't know how to solve this, but I do know you need to stop wasting your time with ambiguity. If you want to play chicken, take him down to the courthouse and see if he will do it. Because my suspicion is he is holding out because he do…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 06:25 PM
16

The only time when someone you are physically intimate with should ever make a comment on you changing your body is if you have asked them their opinion on it or MAYBE if you were complaining. (Ideally, if you were complaining and not asking for advice, they still would just listen and reassure... Not suggest you change yourself.) You weren't. He said it nicely but many, many rude and insensitive things are said nicely. His intention might have been purely good but many rude and insensitive thin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 06:17 PM
7

Her channel doesn't exist anymore but I did hear more of her audios (other accounts used them to humorous effect)... OP, it is definitely satire. She is making fun of a certain type of dating coach and she is being over the top and giving very obvious/stereotypical dating advice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 05:41 PM
16

It's tough, and I am commenting to validate that because I also have no answers. I know I need to do more work on myself and I shouldn't be dating. It's tough! One thing that has 'worked' and also backfired is that, even though I am still on OLD, and I am on it all the time, once I identified what my needs were for a good partner... Very, very few guys measured up, or if they did, they almost immediately showed alarming red flags. Basically, FDS has taught me how to vet men, and this has in effe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 05:15 PM
29

This isn't satire? Her accent sounds very fake...? I don't have a ton of experience - two of my closest friends are Eastern European (Russia, Ukraine) and I had a classmate in my tiny school from the former Yugoslavia, and they never sounded as comically Russian-villain as this lady... That's why. And various Eastern European acquaintances etc too... I am really sorry, please do point out to me if she genuinely speaks like this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 02:02 PM
3

Exactly this. If you had taken the approach of making fun and attacking your niece, I think it would have not been wise or kind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 06:08 AM
2

I'm sorry, I am trying to stay a bit anonymous and I don't want to say which country or language. This word can also mean sportsmanship and generosity. The practices I mentioned are something that, if people do not do them, can be called 'not having water of the heart'. But it was my own idea to organize these practices/customs under that word - because the word cannot be directly translated to an equivalent concept in English. I'm glad you like the concept! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/20 06:02 AM
31

Ooh thanks. Am leaving my comment up so people can see your clarification. Appreciate the transparency. OP, I don't enjoy posts like this because this about shaming women for ingesting patriarchal misogyny, which is not the aim of this sub, rather than learning strategy. It just is not helpful to me or former Pickmes because it isn't constructive criticism, it's just shaming. :( We can criticize always and we should. I wish we could post more things that both criticize and uplift (via strategy o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 04:31 PM
46

Report the image. Do not engage with him. Do not reach out. Take it as a reminder of how gross your ex i.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 03:56 PM
30

No. Having read your post ... There is no universe in which you were the asshole. Google and work on your boundaries. Please read up on this, I see signs of this all over your post. When you have weak boundaries, the first feeling you have when you try to stop someone from stepping all over you is exactly "Am I being mean/rude the asshole?" I know because I was like that. Everything you have written is reasonable. You have excellent judgement and sound like a great person - the issue is you doub…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 03:55 PM
46

Gotta be a catfish
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 03:50 PM
1

Yes. They were right about men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 11:36 AM
6

In the country I am currently in... There is this word that translates to 'water of the heart', basically it is consideration and generosity that is measured by effort, not $$$, though it can be represented by a bit of money. If I know you like cinnamon tic-tacs and I get you a cheap ass box of tic-tacs, that is very much 'water of the heart' and that is what I find attractive. It's cheap but it is nice. If you invite me to a dinner it is very poor form to be overly stringent about splitting che…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 08:09 AM
9

Friend, you are worried about the wrong thing. The red flag is already here: he deliberately lashes out when he feels insecure. He wanted to hurt you and he did so deliberately. It's petty. Here are other signs: Does he swear at you or hit 'below the belt' in arguments? Does he argue with you in good faith (eg. even when you are mad at each other, you should still feel like you are teammates on the same team)... Or does he suddenly feel like The Enemy because there is this feeling of viciousness…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 08:04 AM
33

Friend, you are worried about the wrong thing. The red flag is already here: he deliberately lashes out when he feels insecure. He wanted to hurt you and he did so deliberately. It's petty. Here are other signs: Does he swear at you or hit 'below the belt' in arguments? Does he argue with you in good faith (eg. even when you are mad at each other, you should still feel like you are teammates on the same team)... Or does he suddenly feel like The Enemy because there is this feeling of viciousness…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 08:04 AM
43

Aww, what a lovely story, thank you. Any relevant info we can learn about this couple and this HV guy? what does he never do/say what does he always do/say etc. Not gonna lie, this made me tear up, and I am sorry to hear about your friend.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 07:57 AM
11

I am so sorry, he is not a HV guy and even if he wanted something serious with you (he doesn't, he just likes the current situation and he enjoys you), this relationship will continue this trend... He might be a good guy, but he is not going to be a good partner to you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/20 07:54 AM
3

If he had stopped after your first convo, I would have been like Ok, maybe revisit this in a year. But friend, he doesn't respect your boundaries or your mother's. He is acting like a creepy guy because you asked him to back off, and he refused to listen. He STILL thinks he knows better than you. If you take him back now, you teach him that disrespecting your words, boundaries and decisions is Okay. Please have more respect for yourself and for your future self. My ex did the same and honestly, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 09:53 PM
12

Girl, for a guy like this, you will never be enough because it's not you. It's him. My ex said I should get a Brazilian wax, a pedicure, and have makeup on. Always have shaved legs. Always have done up hair. I did those things consistently and it didn't make a difference. For THREE months, even while travelling full time... And he barely touched me. When I pointed this out to him,he said I lied. That I didn't do any of those things. I laughed in his face and listed off dates, times and specifics…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 09:44 PM
11

I agree for the most part and you have expressed my sentiments perfectly. Re: pole dancing, I see this as a symptom rather than the cause, as a result. While yeah, I condemn it, I also don't think it warranted the huge backlash that occurred - it was disproportionate and in the end, the conversation circled around it as a cause rather than a symptom of broken gender norms. Here is why. I shave my legs, I do my hair - we all pick our battles to make navigating this patriarchal world a bit easier.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 09:17 PM
1

I'm not in the US, either. But we do have tropical weather year-round! Along with loud tourists, corrupt police and great beaches. (Plastic surgery/hair restoration is very cheap here, though, and balding is a rare issue among locals... So....!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:46 PM
23

I am happy with my judgement of this situation, and my previous situations, which have bourne out as I have predicted, but thanks for the input anyway!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:41 PM
2

Ugh, that's too bad. Bohemian/veggie/hippie is very much me (generally speaking). Wanna swap? ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:39 PM
4

I changed my OLD location to London for one day and didn't swipe, and ladies, compared to my current city, you all have articulate, model-level geniuses on OkCupid. That said, just because you have it better doesnt mean it's a great situation, so I am not invalidating you. As for wher I am, to commiserate... I send my guy friend screencaps of NV men every day of OLD profiles of men who have just an emoji or 'Hey' as their profile text, pics of rocks, denim, their foot (?), one nipple, clearly 60…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:22 PM
68

To any former Pickmes, please don't feel ashamed or guilty. We know better now, we grew and are examining ourselves and changed, and there is no shame in that. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:09 PM
82

Yeah, lots of toxic stuff What's crazy is, statistically, USA men are having less sex than before. So they do not have greater access to sex (to disagree with a part of your comment). (https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-health-sex/young-u-s-men-having-a-lot-less-sex-in-the-21st-century-study-shows-idUSKBN23J2LI#:~:text=(Reuters)%20-%20Sexual%20activity%20among,might%20be%20filling%20the%20void.) It is greater 'perceived' access, because there is greater access to porn & the rise in dating ap…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:07 PM
12

Thank you :) exactly this, thanks for sticking up for LBGTQ folk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 02:58 PM
30

Knowing that it is rare AF, what are the signs that they are coming back for non-ego reasons? Here is a rare exception to the rule that night explain my question. I did have an ex make a full, complete apology, unprompted, months after. That is he did something bad, I faded without breaking down why (I decided he wasn't a 'good guy'), and he came back after having done reflection, realized precisely what he did wrong, was able to explain how that likely made me feel, why it was wrong and apologi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 02:48 PM
19

This is honestly your depression talking was my first gut instinct. You have productive hobbies, a career, are very fit - even though your bf is leveling up, he will just be getting closer to your level. People change throughout their lives. The goal is to change together.See your BF as inspiration, not a threat, for your own life. You too CAN change, too. And it doesn't have to be in the exact same ways as before. It also sounds like you carry guilt and a bit of emotional avoidance from past re…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 05:09 AM
7

Mid-30s. I thank God I didn't settle down with any of the men I dated long-term. I'm about to accept a management position at a tech firm that is (against all odds) expanding during Covid. It's going to be a lot of work but I am trying to stop pining for a partner so hope it'll help.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 04:56 AM
2

Boring chitchat - "heya" "Hey sup?" "Nothing much, just laying around, it is so hot here" Or people who monologue out loud, stream of consciousness types, with no real pause or moments for listening (and some people adore that, I can understand.) People who pride themselves as being excellent storytellers and having the juiciest anecdotes, like 'the fish was THIS big' type stories. People who kind of go round and round with a single train of thought - that's their way of venting and it's legit, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 06:37 PM
1

I suppose these things could be secrets, but what I was really talking about the things in your life that are significant to you, that you may not share that preference with anyone else. They can be mundane, too. So, I met a healthy-looking African snail on my way home the other day. I adore snails, especially chonkers like this cutie... It made the funniest plop sound when I managed to pull it off the pavement (it was in danger of getting crushed underfoot) and that reminded me of a childhood s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 04:22 PM
3

Compare, talking every day about things you do not reveal to anyone else and deeper intimacy....vs talking throughout the day, multiple times a day, and sending out anything that comes to mind. That's what I got out of OP, granted OP says they are not an introvert so my theory is wrong
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 03:40 PM
13

Oh, don't worry. I am just talking about appearance. Some countries in S America have such bad domestic violence issues it is shocking to see the statistics.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 03:39 PM
47

Yep. American guys (in general) are less able and knowledgeable about style, hair and so on. South Americans straight up (Brazilians, Colombians etc.) are like the opposite (in general). They always smell so fresh, and their clothes fit, and they enjoy their own bodies in many ways - by dressing up, by doing sport, by dancing, by grooming, and they have sensuality as a result. US culture is so homophobic that straight men are encouraged to have terrible standards so they can ensure they don't lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 09:20 AM
13

This is a very introvert thing and is very common. You want deep communication and intimacy, but the chitchat tires/bored you. You want quality time, very normal. It sounds like you struggle to find a way to describe this, and I encourage you to look up introversion to see if any of those descriptions line up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 09:12 AM
6

Um yessss. I wish I could fart on command I would have done this to my 'girls don't fart' ex.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 04:57 AM
16

It gave me the shivers too. Old me would have been like, Maybe he doesn't understand the connotations of that word and he doesn't mean it. But look at the other things he wrote, and it becomes clear what the mindset was when he wrote them. Good on you for listening to your gut!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 06:01 AM
26

I'm going to be blunt. Remove it. If it actually sparks joy in you, you wouldn't have to think this hard. Remove it for no other reason than that. If you see it and it DOES spark joy instantly, obviously I would say keep it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 05:14 AM
60

Aw, but tbh it doesn't mean anything. Just a silly visual. Penises can be growers, that shadow is a weird angle, and the best lovers I had did not think sex = penis.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 05:12 AM
15

Block and delete. For extra closure, forward this email to a close friend so you can make fun of this loser together
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 05:10 AM
75

Oh Jesus Christ run, girl. There is nothing wrong with being protective or wanting to take care of someone. But the fact he uses dominant/ pleasure here sounds creepy, controlling and he is very likely pornsick. I got the chills too. The really take control guys I know do not see themselves as 'dominant', they are just happy to take care of others which often translates to taking control of a situation (not a person) in order to get things done. Other red flags: Likes the idea of dating women mu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 05:05 AM
30

He sounds a teeny bit avoidant attached, does that ring any bells for you?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 07:56 AM
83

4 or 5 years is ridiculous, and while I am def for a long courtship, that is beyond the norm for 99% of people. If you only get married after 5 years, it is because of inertia, not true compatibility. You know what someone is like 90% within the first year of regular contact. You know what someone is like 99% after their first major tragedy/setback. I would say 1.5-2 years MAX. FDS says 1 year, I think. I was in a relationship for 5.5 years and I got to the point where I realized if I was still …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 05:41 AM
22

Thanks, I do know their intentions are good. I especially liked the post a week or so back talking about how FDS is about strategy, not about ideology. And I stick around because I get private messages of support. On the other hand, there is a tendency to bully and name-call in a very toxic way in this sub whenever a user writes about an experience that goes against the dominant narrative. It is often done in the guise of tough love but when I see several posters question every single sentence a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 05:34 AM
13

Yes and no. Yes, we are not a hate group. No, this subreddit is not diverse and it is not dynamic to the level you describe. I get hit with Pickmeisha flair every few weeks because I, living in a non-Western country and dating non-Western dudes, talk about my own personal preferences and experiences. It happens to a ton of other users
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 04:46 AM
53

I will always consider the # of countries to be a red flag. No one I know who has actually loved travelling/is a traveler at heart/is multi-cultural would spend any time tallying this on their own or even bragging about it. Dated a guy who did this. He was visibly miffed because he forced me to tally mine up and mine was very, very close to his number, then I kept on remembering more and more countries... Anyway, he was pissed when my number turned out to be close to his. He was also extremely c…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 04:43 AM
3

Which book do you recommend? I only know her from podcasts, actually. I relisten to the one on anger every few weeks and I always find something new. Let us know how it goes :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 04:13 AM
9

I was in the exact same place. My ex was abusive, manipulative and just plain awful. I listened to Tara Brach's podcasts on anger, she talks about how to see anger as a helpful force and how it IS ok to feel anger. She also talked about anger in ways that brought me a lot of peace. Please try her!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/20 02:40 AM
17

Ooh yeah, the sulking and pouting! He was like 6'5" and it was NOT cute. I had never had someone do that to a normal, 'Hey pretty sure it's X and not Y' before. I just kept trying to explain how this is just normal knowledge and not a sign of intelligence or anything to him. Like anyone could get it wrong, don't worry. He sulked even harder...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 06:17 AM
9

Exactly! I am wrong all the time. But I learn and I grow. I don't get butthurt over it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 06:01 AM
68

Yep. The guys who started off saying they liked me because (their words) am "smart" eventually either 1) became insecure ("I'm not smart enough for you") or 2) got instantly enraged over small disagreements that a simple Google search corrected. I don't think you need to be smart to know the approximate population of first-world powers, for instance, you just kind of have to read the news, right? Like if you're telling me NZ has 12 million people, which is way off, and it's a main and very relev…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 04:05 AM
1

Oh God this so perfect. Good job OP
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/20 01:37 AM
33

Good job :) Whenever guys say that, I always think they surround themselves with NV people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/20 09:29 AM
20

This was really perfectly executed. Thank you, honestly it is not petty. He was being gross.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/20 01:43 AM
8

You are doing God's work. You are absolutely right and I would have done the same thing as you. Call them out and shame them. It will stop not just him but many other men from being utter idiots.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/20 01:42 AM
13

The no condom thing is dumpable on its own. 1000%... The only scenario where a man should ever say, "Can I not use a condom?" is if it is immediately followed by "but not before we get tested and only if we have a very solid form of birth control or even two forms of birth control" and you are in a sexually exclusive relationship. AND you are both clear on what happens if you get pregnant. I actually have been lucky that no guy has ever said no or been reluctant about getting tested. And I've ne…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/07/20 03:44 PM
1

This is helpful, thank you. I'll check out the book. I'm lucky enough that I live in a country with no local transmission so everything is open again. Keystone habits sounds interesting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/07/20 03:01 AM
5

It was fluorescent lights, a male nurse, and a cold room full of curious sales staff. Sexayyyyyyy. Hahaha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/20 05:45 PM
13

He had no background in medicine or science. Until he met me (in his late 20s), he believed evolution did not occur. (He was however very adept at lying and posturing, and I was naive.) Needless to say, many other wackadoo medical products were on his list of products, including... ... erection-enhancing lasers (the demo video, which featured a middle-aged male volunteer, was NOT appealing) ... devices for diabetics that didn't work well and required constant firmware updates ...silicone sex lub…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/20 04:26 PM
18

Off the top of my head... He found a Japanese man's notebook while getting his visa renewed. He tracked the man down to the capital city hundreds of miles away, believing that just because he was Japanese, he would be able to make a valuable business contact and suddenly be a distributor for the Japanese market. He met up with the guy. Dude was just a regular guy who was weirded out by my ex's overly intense need to return his notebook. His product? A vaginosis/yeast/trichomoniasis diagnostic ma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/20 04:15 PM
44

This is more sane, despite likely being fictional, than my ex's business ideas.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/20 01:15 PM
6

I just read it, this is fantastic!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/20 03:11 AM
2

I did find a man who was excellent at secure attachment, and he was the first in a long time that made me 100% secure. Unfortunately we were incompatible in other ways. But he made me realize what it is like to be in a relationship without that roller coaster. And I also realized that it isn't me that is the issue necessarily - it is the type of men I am initially attracted to. But once I somehow end up with a non-avoidant man, it is magic. Now I use my memories of his consistent, gentle, and co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/20 05:23 PM
3

I'm in the same position. How do we pick someone who is healthy for us when we are attracted to avoidant/insecure/distant men?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/20 04:31 PM
10

I would get a pet, save up, then either retire early or go to grad school. I am taking steps towards those things already, but it doesn't seem to soothe my sadness. :( I already joined that subreddit. Thank you for your kind words.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/20 01:58 PM
11

I disagree with you OP. I've seen attractive men from birth be just as scummy as less attractive men and late bloomers. However, the good guys who are emotionally and mentally healthy are usually physically healthy too. (I don't mean six-pack, I mean they are active, have good hygiene, get health check ups, and invest a bit of time and pride in their style.) So even when they are born with less appealing traits, their vitality and personality make them 'attractive'. Roald Dahl said it best - whe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/20 01:51 PM
12

I just matched with the same bozo that I did last year, and it took 4-5 exchanges to figure out who he was. We were on a different app (I blocked him last year after he was 40 minutes late to a screening call and he got angry at me for calling him out.) Sad part is he is the most 'compatible' (he is NV so he is not actually compatible) so far. Feeling a bit disappointed and lonely. :( So I want to keep focussing on leveling up Anyone have any good 'self improvement' planning resources? Thinking …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/20 01:14 PM
2

Just to update: I asked him to take the quiz at loveisrespect.org and he said it was fine. :) He says he is just afraid of having a family/truly settling down so far from his parents (a continent away). Seeing as he has lived over a decade on a different continent from his parents... It doesn't make sense. His gf is a bit more jealous than regular women, but he appears to be adapting/Ok with it... So with that, I have done my duty as his friend. It's not my job to 'fix' him, just wanted to make …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 07:56 PM
7

I am friends with people who have feminist ideas but might not necessarily call themselves "feminists". I don't care much about the label; I care about values. So I am already doing what you are suggesting. It's still surprisingly hard.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 07:26 AM
61

Jeez, that was a ridiculous reaction. A normal non-cheater guy would have interpreted it as you wanting to make sure he didn't have any overlapping plans with his gf since Fridays are typically date nights. Like most situations, his reaction is about his issues, not yours. As for your question, it's because they are mad at having inappropriate thoughts/behaviors pointed out. It is an ego thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 02:37 AM
37

I'm in the same position. I stopped communicating with low-effort, or anti feminist or toxic friends. (I am a recovering Pickme, so I don't care about that label as long as they are not anti feminist.) And that pretty much removed all women (and many men from my life. Cue sad face. I don't regret it, but it's sad to realize how many people I gave wayyyy too much credit to. It's tough, I feel like a bit of a failure because I think I am a great friend, but consistently men have been better friend…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 02:34 AM
23

I agree. FDS isn't about revenge or trying to hurt men. It is about setting boundaries, demanding respect, and receiving the consideration that is due to a partner. The only people who think that FDS seeks to hurt mem are people who believe "boundaries and behaviors that show love, kindness and respect etc" are hurtful; either because they are extremely entitled (usually coming from the NV people side) or toxic (if they see kindness as weakness). "Make his pockets hurt" is not in the spirit of F…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 02:23 AM
4

Also the guy requiring blowjobs but hating cunnilingus... Sad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/20 01:19 AM
8

The funny part is how dead on it is. The depressing part is how dead on it is. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/07/20 11:26 AM
33

Oh sis, 100% this! I'm on OkCupid and my cab driver puts in more effort than the clowns around here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 03:42 PM
59

You rock. You did the right thing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 03:41 PM
85

I still get emails from an ex from 4 years ago, who stalked me and told everyone else I cheated on him... He now emails my brother in law too. We are both amused and he is now a running in-joke in my family. NV people will never, ever learn. Sad, but true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 03:40 PM
35

Yes, guys who say (actually anyone) who says, "Everyone thinks/does xyz" when talking about something controversial/negative, only means THEY think/do those things.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 08:00 AM
28

Queen Energy here. To someone who is extremely entitled/selfish, enforcing normal boundaries feels like violence. Good dodge!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/20 10:59 AM
13

Haha yes. Have fun picking up women and bingeing alcohol during a pandemic-recession!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/20 01:34 AM
9

He got his just dessert! Ugh, I hate bullies - it is so unnecessary to put other people down. Just a power trip thing! Thanks. I spent a long time experiencing moments where I felt more angry and vengeful than I had ever felt before. Part of I was towards myself for allowing myself to be treated sooo badly. The other part was because I felt I had let him 'get away' with his mistreatment of me - so it feels very much like closure you know?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/20 01:32 AM
5

Sorry, prefer not to divulge due to privacy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/07/20 10:28 PM
39

Ooh, yeah my ex was obsessed with sex too. They both sound like pornsick jerks. He was really fragile about it too, like he would get upset if I rejected him AND if I initiated. Him being stranded with 0 access to women, with the threat of arrest AND disease (he was simultaneously a hypochondriac and woefully science iliterate) keeping him cooped up for 4 months... And being frustrated sexually. He wasn't even that good in bed, for being obsessed. And my ex was so stingy, and the thought that he…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/07/20 10:24 PM
1

Thank you, he's not a perfect guy but he's been a good friend so I felt like I needed to defend him. :) Glad you understand.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 04:42 AM
2

Exactly. Like now I get it. A guy can be great in all other aspects, but if he is NV as a partner, FDS says to not date him...and that's smart. I feel for him, I truly do. He has progressed so far. Sadly that does not erase how much this is affecting his family.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 12:24 AM
2

I watched it... It is one of those instances where it is so clear he neglects his family. Like he has been through so much himself, and because he works 14-hour days, he admits his wife constantly texts him begging to spend quality time with her and the three kids... He is an overall good guy who tries hard. At the same time, as a partner and father, he is so clearly NV. It's so sad. :( She is clearly run ragged from looking after three kids and doing ALL housework. Then he starts these home imp…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/20 03:53 PM
4

That was a lame excuse. I have anxiety but I also know how to set an alarm... Not kidding I cut a Bumble guy out for the exact same thing, except his excuse was he got caught up talking to his Grandma. He wants a low effort girlfriend. If this isn't enough evidence, though, you could wait and see (but I think it isn't worth it.) You have started 'training' him by sending the last text message, which is OK they take it to heart. If he follows your request to the letter the next time (I mean if yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/20 09:16 AM
11

I would normally say he should chase you, so you should just give it up. But because you have ignored/pretended you didn't think he was hot in the past, he may just be respecting boundaries I don't know if this is FDS-approved, but this is what I think is the kind thing to do. You could knock on his door one day and say you're moving out, and thank him for his support the other day, and leave it at that. Don't be the one to offer up that you are single, don't ask for his number, just say it as i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/20 09:07 AM
2

While I agree there are other factors, I have to disagree that he is lying. His previous ex physically abused him. He had photos. She wasn't crazy, she was abusive. The unstable/crazy ex called me up after finding my phone number using her job at the embassy (very, very unprofessional and she could be fired) to ask me for advice on their relationship. I saw her stalk him. I am the one putting these labels on them, by the way. He doesn't use the word abuse or crazy. And he speaks of other exes ni…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/20 01:50 AM
4

Thanks so much! I wanna hear how the fab5 responded
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 05:09 PM
3

Oh God, I am so glad you mentioned abuse with the current gf. I never ever thought of that but now I think about it... She knows about me and his other friends, but he often says she gets jealous very very easily. Once, she screencapped a convo he had with another friend, then sent it to her friends (who are also his work colleagues - she and my friend work at the same office), and they all decided he was being inappropriate/cheating type. (He said, 'I miss you' to the friend because he wasn't a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 03:22 PM
29

Which episode is this?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 01:36 PM
10

I have a weird friendship with an older guy (I was 30s when we met, he is 10 yrs older, so there isn't a huge power imbalance or anything). He has been there for me every time I needed him, brought me soup when I was sick etc. That said I don't demand boyfriend level stuff from him, but close friend level stuff. We don't meet up in my house, don't get drunk together, only hang at coffee shops/public places, his gf knows about me etc. Like everything is above board. We talk about work and romance…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 08:20 AM
7

Straight up... I have friends who have had Botox and surgery before 30. They looked fab before and look fab after. Also, I am extremely opinionated and judgemental, btw... Do I think that stuff was necessary? No. Honestly, I couldn't tell much what they had done. Do I think that them exercising their own judgement about their bodies/faces is super important and necessary? YES. Yes. Yes. Do I look down on them? Nope, nada. Was it a waste of their money? Nope. (Also, none of my goddamn business ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 07:58 AM
13

Exactly this. My ex had a lot of good in him, but when he revealed his true self, he was ultimately full of hate, violence and anger. And the worst part is he is fine with that. He was jealous that I had been treated well by my family, and angered that I felt entitled to basic decency (which he saw as 'princess' treatment). Realizing that refusing to be called ugly names, refusing to accept being locked out of my own home, and refusing to be OK with someone spewing hate about other people (aka '…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 05:48 AM
46

This one is really sad. My abusive narcissist ex said I was spoiled because my family loves me and treated me well. His family? Torn apart by a violent, abusive alcoholic father, whose own family gaslit and ignored his mother when she asked for help. :( I don't feel bad for him, (he blames his mom for not tolerating more abuse!?!?!?!) but I do feel bad for the little innocent boy he used to be, as well as his poor mom.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/20 03:05 AM
1

I bought some basic books, then googled for videos for the rest. Burdastyle's website is a great place to start off. Let us know how it goes. Sorry to see them put the Pickme flair on your name, many of the users have had mods disagree with them and get 'bullied' like that. (TBH it doesn't make a bit of difference to anyone else).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/20 02:22 AM
1

Yep, I would feel smothered too. If he is a HV guy and if you personally want to give this another try (it's ok if you're done), I really encourage you to carve time/emotional space out for yourself. Part of the responsibility of this is on you. The rest is on him. That means spending more time away from your home, spending more time with people who are different from him, or simply cultivating a new side of you that he doesn't get to share. Taking solo vacations. For me, it's sewing. A very sol…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 04:18 PM
43

The fact that I am straight is evidence sexuality isn't a choice. Yeah, dating in general is tough but at least with women, there is no chance of pregnancy, lower chance of rape/DV/misogyny, and much higher chance of orgasms (Google 'The orgasm gap') Plus automatically doubling my closet....? Sign me up ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 12:51 PM
14

The fact that something 'broke' in you during quarantine means he isn't giving you your space. Does he have his own interests? Are you his only close friend? Does he only ever talk about the same topics, and doesn't seem out new ideas? It sounds like he is a bit dependent on you, and nothing kills passion faster than not enough space and feeling smothered. Also, he can be HV but he may still not be compatible. Make sure it isn't to do with him smothering you, and you can do this by setting some …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 09:19 AM
5

I was commenting on the reaction... The fact that someone would call a person an asshole for being afraid of someone who, based on his own description, was likely a bit creepy. I agree with your interpretation, but other commenters jumped to the 'she's an asshole' thing. That's the dark side of this subreddit. That was my point.
/r/seduction24/06/20 06:53 PM
7

Making a sexual comment at a woman at night and approaching her... Scaring her enough that she runs away... And people are calling her, not OP, the asshole. :( I like a lot of r/seduction posts to be honest, the ones that encourage men to deal with rejection in a healthy way etc. There is a ton of self-improvement stuff here. I hope OP will take those suggestions to heart, and try to practice more empathy in the future.
/r/seduction24/06/20 06:21 PM
2

You. Are. Amazing. :) Thank you for reporting back. You did good work here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/20 12:20 PM
28

Ooh, smart.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/20 09:24 AM
2

Edit: Ok, I read your other comments and I don't think this is a him issue now. If you literally accused him of lying (that is hurtful AF) whenever he tried to repeatedly reassure you for years, then it's you. Not him. Please look up Preoccupied Attachment style. No judgement here, sis. You might be happier knowing you are not alone and there is a way to improve this situation. My situation was with the ex was when I would mention a fear/negative emotion for the first or second time, and he woul…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/20 03:54 AM
3

Ugh, gross. Blocking is the correct thing to do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/20 03:48 AM
2

Life is def more difficult in the US in general for people with kids, even with marriage... So I can see why you might conclude it is horrific for single parents. But it isn't inherently as difficult as you might think, it is all about how each society is setup. For instance, it is MUCH less difficult in countries with good government support, a proper minimum wage, universal healthcare, free education, with cities with lots of public transport etc. Plus, many European countries give excellent m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 03:40 PM
4

It's legal but is it considerate of an abuse victim to do that? They say that when law enforcement gets involved, victims can face retaliation... And so it is better to let victims decide when the best moment for that is (like when they have a place to stay and someone to protect them). Like she could get this victim really, really hurt if she does this and ANYTHING goes wrong Plus.. it sounds like OP is in East Asia in a developing country. It def depends on the country, but in many places the …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 03:27 PM
5

Hrm, I don't think it's Ok to post a video like that without the woman's consent though, even with her face blurred. I get that she deserves justice, though, and he deserves to be in jail.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 01:31 PM
1

The single parents, live in partners and divorced parents thing, which is common in the US... I think that answers the question of how one raises children outside of marriage. As for what the situation is in Europe, I think Google is your friend here. Try 'attitudes towards marriage' and any European country. Or 'marriage rate' and any European country Marriage in the Netherlands, for instance, is way down. The couples often cite expenses (not sure of that is convincing tbh, I just think they do…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 01:42 AM
9

Whoaaaaaa this is hilarious. Tell him thanks, now you feel comfortable meeting men... But just not him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/20 08:19 AM
19

Yes, it is pretty normal... Divorced parents, single parents, live in partners do it ... Maybe OP is American. Ask the same question in Europe and they will think some one is trying to make a joke...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/20 08:18 AM
30

However you confront or communicate, please record it. In the next several months, when you start to miss him, it will remind you of his true character and strengthen your resolve. The other option is ghosting Ghosting him is the most painful for him, guaranteed. But it has to be not just you, but also any mutual friends that you are close to as well for max impact. If you are close to his family, call one or two up, send them the screenshots, and explain. Cry etc. Show them how much they mean t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/20 09:17 AM
1

Business jargon ruins all the things! I'm so glad to hear someone else get mad about this (admittedly silly) stuff.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/20 09:08 AM
5

They're using hot desk as a verb now too. They are verbing all the nouns!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/20 05:34 PM
28

No idea. It drives me nuts. Thanks for pointing that out. It appears to have gotten to the point where people think it is the same word? Same thing happened to 'bemused' where so many people thought it meant 'mildly amused' (rather than its original meaning, ie. confused) that it appears to have started to morph...? I just mentally shake my fist at the sky in vain.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/20 01:19 PM
2

You don't need to understand how or why. That's emotional labour you only do for the closest people in your life. (Or if you're a therapist... I guess...) Is the sky blue? Yep. Are men who are NV and LV gross creepy self entitled pornsick children who see women only as sex objects? Yep. That's all you need to know to live your life. That's because no matter what the reason is, that doesn't make their behaviour any less toxic, gross or unacceptable. There are NO magic words that will make them un…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 09:13 PM
42

I legit googled (out of frustration, not out of sincere belief that this is possible), "How to become attracted to women" and "How to turn lesbian". Became a fan of Cynthia Nixon, so that's not a total loss...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 05:10 PM
55

A guy I knew said this. I said, 'I hang out with friends. I date romantic interests." He figured it out. It is key that you do not agree to 'hang out' with men who are trying to date you. Hanging out means low effort, and is reserved for buds. It also makes everything a gray zone. Dating is high effort. It means he needs to romance you and step it up. (Even if it is casual, he should still be High Effort.) If he refuses or seems uncomfortable with calling it a date, BAIL. Something shady is goin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 05:07 PM
3

What do they mean? What topics were they referring to? I was dating someone who might have been a HVM and he said something along the same lines. It was a red flag for me. I am very sweet, but I do gently correct people when they are wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 03:53 PM
1

Damn this is inspiring
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 03:46 PM
3

Ah, Ok. He seems like he is trying too hard, tbh. Let us know if he graduates to phone getting, and if he comes off better that way?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 01:55 PM
27

I'm not trying to be obtuse... Which part was condescending?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 06:16 AM
4

Daughter requested her dad. Clearly the daughter wasn't comfortable with the mom doing it... It would be more red flag if he forced the daughter to endure her mom washing her. To be fair, I also find it super weird and unlikely.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/20 01:31 AM
5

That's their behavior... It may also help to imagine yourself as their mom and speak to them disapprovingly in that way. If you can get the Mom voice down, it triggers something...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/20 01:25 AM
2

Even better!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 09:04 AM
15

Decline with a short "I have plans, thanks."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 05:23 AM
133

Said perfectly. Our job is to shine and reject losers. Don't blame women when men are being assholes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 05:22 AM
34

Recognize that they are using this situation to pressure you. They depend on using this work situation to make you feel uncomfortable about being "rude". They are also depending on you to be too polite not to involve others. Instead, turn it on them. Say it LOUDLY. "You're making me uncomfortable." "You're being rude." "You are being creepy." "Please go away. I need to work." "It is work time. Go away " Do not respond or even listen to their reasoning, just repeat various versions. Take control …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 05:04 AM
5

Brilliant :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/20 03:54 AM
3

The only thing I think that should disqualify you immediately from considering an IUD is if you have pain or unbearable anxiety during regular internal gyno exams. I recommend you to at least speak to a trusted gyno re:IUD. I have used IUDs for 18 years. The majority of women who use IUDs do not have horror stories to tell. Insertion is indeed painful but it's like a strong pap smear pain, not like a STABBING INTERNAL BLEEDINGpain But some do have serious issues and side effects, so it's good to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/20 11:20 PM
26

No HV guy in his 30s would date a 21 year old. It is simple. None. The HV guys I know are super creeped out by that idea and they make fun of friends who do it. They might date a 25 year old (since the woman is likely a college graduate, and in the workforce, and in the same phase of life). I'm sorry :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/06/20 02:19 PM
2

No. He is not even fulfilling his duties as a friend much less a guy who impregnated you. He is NV thought and through. He is not evil but he is taking up space and emotional energy that an actually great person should be occupying. Do. Not. Do. It
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 01:43 PM
2

Dear God, that is really bad. Am so sorry and I am glad I moved out of the US. (I am assuming this is America... But do correct me.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 09:40 AM
3

Back at you. We can speak our truths without diminishing others. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 09:37 AM
2

I don't know and honestly, it doesn't matter. I hope she finds her peace.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 09:36 AM
2

A lot of people are angry because of asshole men and just want to lash out. They see what they want to see in your comments because they are too angry to truly exercise reading skills. Sorry to see that, it really holds women back when women tear each other down due to anger from LV/NV men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 08:23 AM
3

And do you talk about the objectification of women every time you talk about your sexual preferences? No. Stop blaming women's bodies for pornsick fantasies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 08:21 AM
4

Again, she didn't say that stuff, either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 08:20 AM
5

She didn't say any of those things.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 08:19 AM
6

Another woman-blaming comment
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 08:18 AM
8

So it is a woman's fault if a NV or LV guy believes anal is standard because she individually likes anal? Aren't we discarding NV or LV men anyway? Why do we care what NV or LV men think?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 01:55 AM
6

Eh, they're just tags. FDS had labelled me as male at a certain point... I can't take this stuff seriously. Your comment needed to be posted and amplified, because we're not alone. See the upvotes ... Thanks, sis :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 01:44 AM
12

No. It's not other women's job to teach grown ass men how to be decent. It is not any woman's. We are not doing emotional labor for men any more and expecting other women to do so shifts the responsibility away from men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 02:44 AM
2

Good luck :) in here we are very skeptical of whether other posters are good at judging HVM (for good reason) but don't let it get you down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 01:45 PM
1

Thanks, was just posting a comment to this effect
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 07:06 AM
17

Sorry but not true re: pleasure,but this doesn't take away from FDS/your main point. ( I have seen multiple comments from women who enjoy it. Let's not stop women from fully enjoying their own bodies and orgasms, and let's not shame women who orgasm differently.) That said, whether women enjoy it or not does not take away AT ALL from the fact that anal as a sex act, for most men due to porn, has super toxic and gross ideas attached to it. It is not "standard" and for the majority of men, anal se…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 07:05 AM
3

You are not. Whether your judgement of him is true or not, this is a good time to develop your habit of following your gut. Sometimes that means possibly making errors but it also means developing our gut even better. Tell him you will transition when you are ready, and you will tell him when that moment comes. If he argues too much/mentions it again, out he goes - he doesn't respect boundaries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 05:25 AM
36

I think this is great. He goes beyond simple housekeeping. He made their house a home. I get that we are suspicious of overly complimentary posts about men, and that skepticism is warranted. But at a certain point we also need to believe the women posters too. The things he does are wayyyy beyond normal minimum housekeeping tasks. If a woman did the same, I also would be praising her to high heavens. Love this post. More please!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 05:21 AM
15

This is one of those times where it is better to communicate AFTER a bit of success. Like once he does initiate, you might remark - gosh I was missing this so much, I wish we could do this more. And that's it. But do not do the over long communication stuff as a first step. So I was in your position and I brought up the lack of passion like so many people say to do. The result was robotic bad sex where he was selfish. I tried all the "spicing up the sex life" crap. It is not your job to stir pas…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 04:29 AM
2

I think this is 100% valid actually for Covid. I posted earlier about saying it's not a proper date so I wanted to chime in to validate this opinion. However, if it is a walk, it needs to be extra special. Aka, let's go for a walk at sunset, I'll bring a special social distanced picnic, etc. (Separate blankets/food etc.) Or, let's go for a walk, there is a great spot with xyz birds/flowers and I'd like to share that, I'll bring binoculars. Or let's go for a walk, I'll bring xyz (allowed/safe ani…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 04:12 AM
5

I adore hiking and I still wouldn't hike with a stranger for a first (or second or third) date unless it was a very, very popular trail and there were others at all times.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 04:06 AM
2

Yeah, I think the key is to be amused and unimpressed, and AVOID doing emotional labor at all costs. THAT is avoiding drama. Let's call them on their shit, point at it, but it's not our job to clean up their shit and hand them tools to do so. The MV and HV ones figure out this stuff without women, if they don't already know it. Before, I would have sent paragraphs explaining and come away feeling at first virtuous (maybe this will help him be a better person blah blah) exhausted... and then disa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 04:03 AM
1

Please report back when you do! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 03:58 AM
47

I've used . "oof, I think we have different ideas about what a date is" and I let him think of something. Don't defend, explain or suggest. Just be utterly unimpressed and poke him a bit. Let me tell you why: Once, this person was very late for no reason for just a screening call and made a bunch of excuses (one of which included his mom???), and I wrote "Oof we def have different expectations about dating, haha" He got SO MAD, lied even more about how late he was (as if I didn't have a clock??)…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/20 05:08 PM
12

Inspiring! Thank you for sharing. M saving this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/20 07:46 AM
4

I was in the same position as you. I bought it and love it. My sister who is the same height and weight says it is too cold actually! And it doesn't help her as much. So it IS a gamble. I am def the type to like having heavy blankets and being a teeny bit surrounded by pillows. I feel snuggled and not suffocated. If you are the same, I would bet it would work. If you do it, pls let me know how it goes. Mine cost 120 USD for a 13 lb blanket. It's been 3 weeks and all good so far.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 03:45 PM
9

No, they do not. They often come with covers that are very warm though. I live in a place where it is 29C at night and 35 in the day... I just use a very thin duvet cover made of satin and chucked the microfiber cover that came with it... And actually it's cooler than my current duvet. It's not a cooling blanket but the weighted beads do not have an insulative effect.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 02:29 PM
48

And a weighted blanket! I am a super cuddly person and no kidding, this lowered my neediness level to a very empowering point. Add r/pillowtalkaudio - there are some talented storytellers there (it is all SFW, loving stuff for all genders and orientations). I stopped accepting low-effort gestures after that because I could see there were tons of men out there who understand exactly what to say, how to say it, and what romance is. Lots of soothing audio too, just affirming body image and self tal…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 05:03 AM
53

The title of your post is wisdom gold! You have been through a LOT. In comparison, it seems to me that a few men rejecting you is PIDDLING PEANUTS compared to managing your ADHD, BPD, and having two kids, plus all the rest. You have survived for so long, yeah you have scars, but you are not broken and you are here. You are damn tough and you got this. Mental and emotional abuse battles are rough but you made it. And I say this with one hundred percent understanding the ache of wanting someone to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 09:06 AM
25

Omg that is fantastic karmic payback. Sorry about his ankle but not your circus not your monkeys. His ex can tend to it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 08:56 AM
85

Cute but not enough for a proposal tbh...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 08:54 AM
14

I agree with the sentiment but cannot find the source of the quote, and wonder if it is misattributed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/20 05:56 AM
38

You know what? I am in the same position. And let's just accept ourselves at that. So what if we cannot? We can still be happy and awesome. Whether this means we are "damaged" (lol, who ISN'T???) or we are wiser, my peace comes with accepting and saying, so what? Society sells us on this idea of In Love being everyone's life purpose and it is just not true at all. Let's prove it.@
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 08:10 AM
7

100% agree. It got so bad now I filter FDS by certain keywords. I probably miss great content but it's worth it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/05/20 01:16 AM
1

Same, and sometimes we have to be that friend to ourselves too! Lovely post, thank you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/20 03:47 PM
22

I'm not sure if I had a rise in my libido, but I certainly have better sex now. I have always been high libido. As I got older I stopped using porn (mental) and vibrators (physiological), learned coping skills and became less depressed (emotional) and stopped GAF what others thought about me (mental). I dumped the loser I dated for six years too. He was AWFUL and highly selfish in bed. (I didn't know because all the sex I knew was porn sex). Most men in their twenties were. They thought sex was …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/20 06:53 PM
21

The fastest way to lose attraction to somekne is to make fun of their physical features (inside your head or with a trusted friend who knows this is purely therapeutic and it is not meant to ever be widely shared!!!) Eg. I dated a guy six years older than me. We were very serious. He had a baby face but sometimes he DID look awkardly older (because I also look a lot younger than my real age). After the breakup (he was cruel about it) I still pined for him. After journaling, all the self care stu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/20 02:11 AM
10

This is amazing. Someone please make an image text thingy!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 05:08 PM
34

I would say something like "I'm not telling you that. I see sex as a private, loving and respectful act." Then slight look of judgement ...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 05:05 PM
46

Yes. He is putting his needs above your own. His fears are unfounded and not true. I'm sure you have explained this to him which means he also doesn't agree, which then means he thinks he knows better than you. If so, he needs to change his mind or end up single. Finally, he likely is very PENIS IN VAGINA oriented in bed if he has this belief. Very pornsick and uncreative, and in my experience, guys who think sex is mainly about PIV are bad at pleasuring women. Not good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 01:42 AM
31

Oh God that was me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/20 06:32 AM
8

As someone who actually studied a feminist approach to literature (not my main area though), s/he is way off re: what that is. Complete BS...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/05/20 12:56 AM
2

I agree. I think you should ask open ended questions, if I can make a suggestion. Don't make your own expectations clear before he reveals his because he may try to simply tell you what you want to hear. Good luck!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/20 03:43 PM
1

It precisely screams HV person to expect (not beg for) sexual exclusivity. The FDS wiki tells you why in more detail - it appears you aren't familiar with a bunch of advice posted there. If a man values your company, he will be afraid to lose you. He will.be the one who will be bringing up exclusivity first, worried someone else will show him up and take you off the market. So while I am not condemning OP, this is the reason why waiting 90 days is recommended, before sex. I have had good relatio…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/20 03:41 PM
13

Whether you "should" or shouldn't care is besides the point. You DO care otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. It is OK to expect someone to be sexually exclusive to you. It doesn't at ALL matter ultimately what the dating norms are. That little voice that IS worried? That's your real gut feeling and you should listen to it. That is what you are comfortable with and the men you date can rise to YOUR values or they can GTFO. Now as to whether to bring it up or just stop seeing him is up to you.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/20 03:49 AM
1

You're not the bad guy here. Sorry, but even if I disagreed with advice given to me by my friend, I would NEVER use such a painful memory against them. EVER. Shit like that is off limits, and any HV person knows that instinctively. I had to drop a toxic friends recently. It sucks because I love her because we grew up together... but my life improved a ton because she was a huge Pickme who influenced me a lot. She was an awful friend at many moments.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 05:27 PM
2

There were a few points here and there that were misunderstood from my previous posts... especially re: dates. It's Ok though, I am not arguing that he is HV, just that this level of emotional maturity is a HV trait.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/20 05:10 PM
3

Not calling him HV, just calling it a HV trait/behavior. Jury is still out on whether he is HV. It has been 4 months since we broke up, so I have known him 6 months (but honestly it's not enough to determine that he is HV). I appreciate and value your support anyway though :) I agree that if I start to have any romantic feelings at this point, I would indeed say goodbye (and what's nice is I know he would understand and respect it too). For now, I am enjoying a platonic friendship, where we chat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/20 05:04 PM
2

Since when are children under valued...? I'm assuming you're talking about Western societies. We live in a very pro-motherhood (not pro-mother, since patriarchy and all) world. Tell someone you don't ever want to be a mother or that you don't like children and people will think you're awful...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/20 05:03 PM
61

I have a male best friend and I would certainly never want to marry him... And he is a perfectly attractive guy. Just not how we relate. So while I don't see a huge problem with saying "He is my best friend", it actually seems a bit lacking. Romantic love needs to contain the elements of "my best friend" and so so much more. He needs to be my best friend as well as my partner in life, my lover, my teammate. He does NOT need to be everything to me, though. I don't want and I don't need him to be …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/20 10:14 AM
2

Sending you so much love for this. I always feel left out by FDS emphasis on gut reactions and often comment I cannot tell the difference (and got attacked/questioned for it in another account). This is very helpful. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/20 12:53 AM
1

Thank you xx
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/20 03:19 PM
12

I have anxiety. My gut tells me everything is wrong, everything is going to go disastrously, everyone is lying/dislikes me, and I'm going to lose my job tomorrow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/20 03:13 AM
2

Hrm, that does give me pause! Why would that ever come up in conversation? Unless it came up very naturally, he sounds Medium Value (if there is such a thing) or LV at best, this is some performative thing designed to impress. I wouldn't ditch him on this but I would consider a strike for sure. One or two more and it's Goodbye...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/20 02:18 AM
27

You're overthinking it, in my opinion, but I would have asked the same question. Probably a female friend had a few extra or an ex left some behind, and he didn't want to throw it away. If a guy is close with his sister, I wouldn't bat an eye. It's unusual but... I think it's sweet or he just hates to throw stuff away. If you think it's for his GF that he's cheating on, that's a different matter. I don't use pads any more, I never have anyone over and all my female close friends have moved away …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/20 05:10 PM
9

Thank you :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/20 05:53 PM
79

I love this post so much. Thank you. Sometimes I feel I haven't accomplished much, or I feel lonely because I am in my mid-30s. Then I think of all the cretins I dated and I breathe a sigh of relief that I am free, financially independent and healthy, unlike so many other if my friends who deserve much better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/20 01:38 PM
4

So for someone to have QE they need to have never dated an asshole, and never been a Pickme, I see...? I disagree, but that's a whole other post. What I liked about your submission is the question it raised for me: does giving dating advice/consuming dating advice about male preferences = Pickme behavior? I think it's a good question and I don't see a super clearcut answer. More information is always good, yes. It's always good to know what men are attracted to purely as another tool in our arse…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 03:34 PM
2

Thanks, I'm living vicariously through this post too!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 03:19 PM
8

I disagree. She is stating what is attractive to men and describing it. It's not a moral code, or saying you SHOULD always wear a tshirt and jeans. She is describing what most men, in her experience, find attractive. Personally, I DGAF about looking approachable because I have been approached often enough. I am not a Shallon fan so I have no skin in this fight. It is simply useful info for women who might think they NEED to look like pornstars or prom queens or any other ridiculous beauty conven…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 03:08 PM
34

I love her and this quote is perfect.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 04:47 AM
3

I'm mid-30s and I love the way I look more each year still. (And weirdly I get more attention now than ever...) Beware men who think "the younger the better". Or the ones who require you to be hyperfeminine... They are riddled with insecurities and are pornsick.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 04:46 AM
9

Absolutely, you're welcome. Actually, I'd love to hear more observations of yours re: why it's harder to vet men!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/20 04:40 AM
2

Thanks, I need to learn to trust my gut :) As a naturally anxious person, my gut is always saying run. You're right though, one day I hope I can trust my judgement.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/20 07:46 AM
3

This resonates with me the most actually! Thanks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/20 12:31 PM
3

How long does he keep paying for? Every date until we die? Or until we are exclusive? Or until I am satisfied he is all in...? I am not comfortable able with him paying for every date every time but I am on board with this signalling thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/20 12:21 PM
34

As a childfree woman, I don't expect a man to provide for a family... Then what? Then I should go Dutch...? Seeking advice here, because a few parts of FDS advice, not just who should pay, are based on a man being a father and a provider. Thanks everyone
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/20 03:51 PM
2

Do you mean talking like video/audio chat, or texting?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 10:37 AM
4

Yep need to start thinking that we are enough, or in the process of becoming enough (levelling up) for OUR own sake.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/20 04:13 AM
6

Exactly the right thing to do. I would have left too - like I said, I could only offer one suggestion on how to do things differently. Everything else you mentioned seemed a wise choice. I think you should own this story and consider it a success. It always feels bad to enforce boundaries and expectations, this is a natural reaction to the feeling that we are being "mean" when we tell people they have disappointed us (we are not, we are simply making sure our needs are just as important as anyon…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/20 02:57 PM
11

Your only mistake, which is a big one, is to not be upfront right away, and being afraid to make a big deal. It's about integrity. You were unhappy with his plans and your feelings on this are valid. Stay true to yourself and next time don't downplay - find a way to express your displeasure in a HV way. I have this habit too. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to advocate more strongly for our needs and if this upsets other people, then that is what has to happen. For me, a HV woman …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/20 02:25 PM
2

Hey just wanted to update because I remembered another thing I have been trying. Now I listen only to the audio of the porn. It takes a while to pick one where the men are vocal (solo male), so I guess there are some browsing moments when I see visuals, but then before things heat up I dim my screen to black and listen just to the audio so I can start using my imagination to fill in the visual gap. After just a few times, I have discovered I even prefer to turn off the audio midway through. Ofte…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 05:27 AM
1

I tried but it all felt like male gaze type things again. :( I read four or five stories and it was pretty awful in terms of description. It might work for others though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 05:21 AM
8

Me too. I decided to start at least to move away from straight porn to just solo non commercial men (with the goal of 0 porn) and it has helped a bit. It is still porn though :( That said, while we are trying to quit, solo male porn doesn't have the gross degrading bits in straight porn and I am 99.99999% certain these were fully consensually created, and there is no money being made off of it (the amateur ones I mean). I enjoy men experiencing pleasure so it does hit the spot. There are some HO…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/20 04:26 PM
3

YES. Thank you so much.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 02:53 PM
16

Such a great article. Can we make this required reading to vet all future dates???
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/20 04:25 AM
2

I don't think FDS is one size fits all. I disagree with plenty of FDS beliefs but they are (IMO) only tangentially related to dating advice, so I don't express my disagreements or get into arguments here on those points. I am only here to see other people's experiences, to support and to learn about dating. I only unapologetically mention my own lived experience with my first thought being - is my comment useful? Uplifting? Supportive? If it is to refute some philosophical/idealistic stance, I d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/20 04:08 AM
7

My abusive ex is Italian and he is stuck abroad right now due to travel restrictions. It's karmic payback because he had changed his travel itinerary without telling me, expecting me to go along with it. He said he was sick of travelling with me and "compromising everything"... (Which is when I dumped him). Well, now he is stuck in some hostel in a faraway South American country while I am home! If he had been less of an ass, he might be home now too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/20 04:46 PM
2

Oh damn I am an idiot. He has been flirting a bit but I just reply quite platonically...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/20 08:15 PM
3

I think, given that none of us (not should you) give a damn about this loser, let's reframe it. Which action would make an FDS HVW proud and happy? Also, wouldn't a "queen" have other more important things to do? Or, you could argue the other way too. My guess is an FDS queen woman would see this as a very childish and ineffective attempt at putting her down, and spend as little time as possible getting rid of it. That would mean either just ignoring it or sending that text - I think the key is …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/20 07:35 PM
1

I have a friend that I have only had a coffee with (we happened to be working at the same building and needed a break and chat) or met in group situations. At the time I was dating someone. Now, he texts me often to hang out again but I am not sure if I need another male friend. I would be interested in a date though. How do I communicate this without it making it like I am asking him out?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/20 07:28 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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