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penandfeather Archive

View 0 posts and 52 comments by penandfeather on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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107

Absolutely! Since I left my ex (today is my one year divorce-a-versary or as I like to think of it: rebirthday), one if the most amazing and healing things has been hearing others’ stories— like I’m not the only one who has been through this and yes it was abusive and no I’m not stupid for falling for him and staying as long as I did.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/21 06:38 PM
11

Congratulations!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/21 08:36 PM
65

The only reason I’m not on the hook for 7 years alimony (and half my state pension)to my NVM ex is because he didn’t think to ask for it. I lucked out there. Now, if he wasn’t working because he was taking care of kids, or even just cleaning and maintaining the house while I worked to support us, I wouldn’t begrudge him alimony. But he didn’t. Ole whassisname couldn’t keep a job— and spent the majority of his unemployment smoking weed, playing videogames and feeling sorry for himself. (And thank…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/21 10:12 PM
26

Been there. Done that. Got the divorce to show for it. Am now 20 years behind building my own stability.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 09:30 PM
210

Fuck this shelf-life bullshit. My grandmother has found not one but two good men after my grandpa died- IN HER EIGHTIES. (She outlived her first boyfriend and is going strong with her second one — they are both in their nineties now and absolutely adorably smitten with each other)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/21 06:18 PM
2

Congratulations! I’m about a month out from getting mine paid off, myself. Here’s to getting our finances in order in 2021! 🎉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/21 06:20 PM
5

Holy crap, ladies! I’m listening to this while I work (probably a bad idea, but at least I’m wfh today and can take breaks to cry/drink tea/play with the dog) But THIS is about my ex. — not everything, but enough that holy fuck I’m glad I’m out. 24 years together, 14 of that married. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day that I knew it was time to go. (It was beyond time to go, really). That fucker had me doubting my own sanity and memory by the end. My confidence is still shaken. I’m …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/20 11:07 PM
16

It’s been interesting how to note who says “congratulations” vs. “I’m sorry” about my divorce. My response to the second one is usually “Don’t be! I’m not”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 02:38 AM
58

No kids here, but recently divorced. When I first left him, a friend told me “there will be things that you’ll have to figure put how to do on your own, but you’ll get through.” The only things I could think of that he used to do for me that I couldn’t necessarily do on my own were open jars and reach stuff on high shelves. I took care of everything else (not that he did NOTHING but he had to he nagged to do anything that would disrupt his busy schedule of gaming, smoking weed, spending the mone…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/20 05:27 PM
10

I never understood the Skyler hate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/20 04:06 PM
71

This hits home so precisely. It was all so subtle. I, and my/our world, shrank to accommodate him and his depression, his wants, his needs, his insecurities, his emotions, his damaged little self. I feel like I lost 10 years— like I woke up and the world had kept moving and evolving around me while I was stuck there, with him, waiting for him to get better, to make an effort, to give a shit about the future...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 12:42 AM
24

It’s not too late! I got out of a 24 year relationship (14 of those married) to an NVM last winter.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/11/20 08:57 PM
103

Ugh! My ex prided himself on not being physically abusive (while being manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive) 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/20 07:54 PM
2

ADHD here! Diagnosed in my 40’s. I’m medicated, but still trying to figure out how to deal
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 03:15 PM
7

Ole whassisname kept me on the hook for TWENTYFOURFUCKINGYEARS with that one. When I talked to him about how much pressure that is to put on someone, his response was “yeah, but you knew that from the beginning” (we were 18 in the beginning— not even fully formed adults— not that he ever grew up) and “well if you decide you don’t love me anymore you don’t care if I die”. Motherfucker had known me for over a quarter of a century at that point and KNEW that I give a shit whether ANYONE lives or di…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 07:35 PM
35

Right up there with “you’re my only reason to live” 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 03:57 AM
16

I totally should’ve taken the washer and dryer when I left! My grandparents bought them for us (for me, really— they saw through him from the beginning)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 07:16 PM
20

I am so impressed with you! You are an amazingly strong badass of a woman. Rock on with your bad self.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 06:46 PM
6

It wasn’t even sunk cost so much as blind optimism. He’d been acting somewhat adult: actually getting jobs and keeping them or finding new ones when they didn’t work out— though in retrospect, the second half of that sentence was a yellow flag— his jobs frequently didn’t work out— sometimes it was a truly dysfunctional workplace, but mostly it was just less than “ideal” but the fucker wasn’t capable but of going along to get along (and keep getting paid). I just failed to transition from seeing …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 04:59 PM
3

My mom told me about a friend of hers confiding in her that she was having a hard time maintaining the “obey” part of her vows. My mom was flabbergasted in a “you mean you actually left that antiquated bit in your vows and took it seriously?!?” sense. Said friend was demonstrably more intelligent and had more common sense than her husband. Surprise surprise: they wound up getting divorced.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 04:40 PM
12

Unfortunately, I was with the ex for the first 24 years of my adult life, so that asshole figures into a lot of my life story. I’ve started referring to him as “ole whassisname”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 11:52 PM
14

Aw, woman! Samesies. We were together 10 years before we got married— being married didn’t feel any different (probably because the fucker never grew up)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 11:47 PM
1

I’ve got a box in storage of the letters that my NVM ex sent to me— they’ll be getting thrown onto a campfire at some point. HOWEVER those letters are from back in the not-everyone-has-email days. (Late 90’s). The fucker also made a lot of collect calls to my dorm from a payphone because he couldn’t figure out how to get a phone hooked up? Then would send me cash every once in a while to pay for those collect calls because, though he had a McJob, he somehow didn’t feel the need/know how to set u…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 04:09 PM
15

Yup. Ditched the ex. Suddenly, my depression is gone and my anxiety has dropped to almost zero. Anxiety still lingers here and there as rebuilding life after 24 years is kinda anxious-making here and there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 02:19 AM
43

Yep. I was pushing the ex for couples counseling (really hoping that a third party could point out his issues). He kept putting it off. Then he let the mask slip all the way and I saw that he only cared about me in so far as what I could do for him and I walked out. In the months since, in hashing the whole thing out with my therapist, psychiatrist, and dear friends— I’ve realized how fucked up it all was for so long. The word “abuse” when it was first used to describe my situation threw me for …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 10:05 PM
8

Haha! Probably not. He’d have to leave the house and make an effort... Oh wait, I forgot that we’re living in the future and that fucker can be good with words. He might have been able to reel in another sucker. (Especially with stories about how I ruined his life by no longer putting up with his bullshit)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 07:55 PM
5

Happy Birthday!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/20 05:48 PM
10

I’ll admit that I’ve been keeping an eye out for a ring to buy for myself
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 09:54 PM
33

Holy Cow, I’m doing the same! Edith Piaf is singing in the corner (thanks, Alexa!), I’ve poured myself a glass of Pastis and uber eats jus delivered my dinner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 01:01 AM
23

When I left my ex, someone told me that there would be things that I need to figure out how ti do on my own. The only things I could think of that he did that I couldn’t do was open stubborn jars and reach tall stuff. There are tools for both those things
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 06:55 AM
23

Hey, I’m not sure if I agree with everything either— but I find the overarching message to be incredibly valuable and am capable of taking what I value and leaving the rest. And I know that my opinion will be changing. I’m not even looking to date or look for a partner for a while. Were it not for the plague— I might be out there dating for fun with no regard for future plans or perceived value of the dudes— which is kinda counter to FDS— but I don’t want or need a life partner right now. And wh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 09:11 PM
93

I wonder how many of them have justified it to their girlfriends by calling it “the only console I’ll ever need”* the way my ex did EVERY DAMN TIME he got a new console. *Bonus points if the dude “promises” not to buy weed this month to make up for the expense
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 08:35 PM
25

I’m with you. Dumbasses doing dumbass stuff and setting fire to my state/mountains pisses me off to no end.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 09:21 PM
14

Sending you love, light, strength and general badassery, dear. While I haven’t been tempted to go back to my NVM ex, I have felt bad for him, worried that I just didn’t communicate properly, and worried about his general well being. I thought he wad my best friend and soulmate for 20-odd years. The further I get out from the relationship the more clearly I see it, the better I feel about having gotten out. Also: I’ve had a lot of cringe looking back at the mountain of red flags and moments where…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 09:18 PM
15

Yeah, I kept telling myself that he’d do better, that he’d get help, that I just needed to explain it the right way... (Also: high five to a fellow beatlefreak! I regret walking down the aisle to “I will” and tainting that song)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 07:09 PM
53

This is the discussion that I keep having with myself. I had a good example. My dad is most definitely an HVM. My parents marriage is still going strong after 49 years and two kids. I have had a very good example of a healthy partnership. But I let a fucking leech latch onto me when we were 18 and stayed with the fucker for 24 years. My folks (especially my dad) raised me to be able to take care of myself— to not be dependent/feel trapped in a relationship. And yet... Ex was a master manipulator…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 05:52 PM
8

Ugh! My ex would pile used paper towels on the kitchen counter NEXT TO THE TRASH CAN. Why would he not throw them away? “I might use them later” That might be a valid argument if he, I don’t know, actually cleaned— and ACTUALLY THREW THEM AWAY and some point. But no. If I didn’t clean up after him, it would be mount trashmore on the kitchen counter.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 02:47 PM
5

Yeah, this is NOT what my dad taught me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 01:08 AM
117

Dude, I almost fell for my roommate when he cleaned up his dog’s vomit. Like, what have I been putting up with my whole (adult) life that such a basic, minimal, take-care-of-your-shit action sets my heart a flutter?!?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 12:42 AM
11

TBF: this is how I feel since I left my ex. Also: 😍fringe!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 12:40 AM
4

Yeah, “ordeal?!?” Like the ordeal of taking a shower and a nap instead of keeping his commitments? The ordeal of failing to plan ahead?!? (And this is assuming that he wasn’t lying about “golfing with family” all day...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 06:50 PM
9

I STILL find myself thinking back on different situations with my ex and thinking “If only I had explained it better...” or “taught him how to (insert basic adult responsibility here)...” But I stop myself. That fucker made me responsible for everything (and miserable) for too many years.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 08:53 PM
54

My favorite is when they attempt this, then misuse words. Like, dude! Do you even know what you’re saying?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 07:39 PM
5

I’ve just started reading this— thanks for the reminder to get back to it
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 05:40 PM
2

I’ve been getting divorce stories from other women in my life since I left him. Intelligent, badass women who also wound up in relationships with lazy and/or abusive assholes. It’s done me good to hear their stories and know that I’m not alone in my experience — I aim to pass that knowledge along.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 11:46 PM
3

I broke up with my first boyfriend in January. He was also my husband. We’d been together for 24 years (14 married). He was very similar to what you describe here.(didn’t take care of himself, couldn’t/wouldn’t hold down a job, wouldn’t take care of things around the house, spent his days smoking pot and playing video games and feeling sorry for himself). I wish I had dumped him sooner. Since I left, I’ve been reviewing our relationship in my mind and thinking of all the times that I almost brok…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 10:17 PM
2

Yeah, I wrote that down in my journal last night in hopes of remembering.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 10:19 PM
17

THIS. I trusted my exhusband. Now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop— for him to have a shitty day and decide to use pics against me in some way. He told me he deleted all of them. But this was in the same conversation where he threatened suicide in an attempt to get me back. (Edited for clarity)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 04:08 PM
28

I just grabbed a pen so I could underline “Love should give you peace and invigorate your spirit, not drain you. Then I remembered that I was reading this on my phone. I want to write that on a piece of time-travel paper, fold it into an airplane and send it 24 years back to younger me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 03:29 AM
28

Honey, my Grandma has found Not one but two HVM’s since my grampa passed 16 years ago— in her 70’s and 80’s. She outlived the first one and found love AGAIN. She is 90 and her current boyfriend is 94. It’s never too late
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 10:45 PM
12

My dad was like this (heck, he still is!). His work schedule was odd, so he’d be off in the middle of the week (firefighter). I’d come home from school and he’d be doing laundry and watching Oprah before getting dinner started for when my mom got home from work. I didn’t realize, growing up, that his level of partnership was NOT the norm. He was also the only dad who volunteered to help out in the classroom when I was in elementary school.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 05:39 PM
18

Honey, from the other side of a breakup with an NVM* after a 24 year relationship: it is SO fucking worth it. You’ve got this. Be brave, move forward. It’s awesome that your mom had your back like this. My friends and family came through for me in amazing ways. *I’m new, am I using this correctly? Dude was a Negative Value emotional vampire
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 09:49 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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