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View 8 posts and 213 comments by phalo on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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13

If a parent isn't paying child support that was court ordered, I completely agree with this. Regardless of whether it's the mother of the father.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 10:21 PM
3

It CAN happen, but it's not as simple as that and a judge will sign it if you and your ex agree. Source: married in CA for almost 20 years and ex agreed to 10 years of alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 11:35 PM
5

Nope. She's not a good person, and if anything I've learned to be more discerning in who I spend my time with post-divorce. If she manages to stop being a terrible person, I'd consider it for my kids' sakes but I don't see that happening and I also would absolutely need to consider my girlfriend's feelings in that decision.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:25 AM
4

The introduction thing is likely not to go anywhere. Most judges don't care about "morality clauses" unfortunately. The shared expenses, on the other hand, might be something you can go after. What does your MSA state about them? In my case, knowing my ex wife was flakey, I had a clause put in that I can deduct unpaid expenses from the next month's CS payment. Only had to threaten that once.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 11:41 PM
2

When I discovered my ex had spent nearly $3k at Target on bullshit 2 months after we agreed to divorce (and this was not unusual, it seems), I immediately went and opened a new bank account, took half of our joint account, and changed my direct deposit. Luckily she didn't fight it, but why am I paying for half of that nonessential BS? I only figured this out when I was doing our financials and was wondering where all the money went.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 06:02 AM
1

Assuming his ex cooperates and doesn't file single/HoH, then there's a possibility of being audited etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 03:50 AM
3

Not necessarily. Usually the total assets are split 50/50 (depends on your location, but many default to 50/50). So let's say your business equity is $100k, your cash is $50k and you have home equity of $50k. It's negotiable, but one scenario would be you keep the business ($100k) and your ex takes the cash and house equity ($50k+$50k = $100k). That's obviously a trivial example, but hopefully gets the point across. Another consideration is retirement and HSA accounts require a QDRO (qualified d…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 10:32 PM
2

Yes, as part of the process you will both have to provide financial disclosures, including all assets and debts, income information, expenses, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 09:56 PM
8

This. Trust me, you'll get absolutely murdered on taxes when you file separately (depending on both your incomes). Best to take advantage of the tax break of filing jointly while you can, and prepare for the year you'll be officially divorced by adjusting withholdings for filing single or head of household. Your ex, unless you choose to share, won't know about you changing your federal and state W4, unless she can see the amount of your paycheck in a joint bank account.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 08:40 PM
12

Seriously. OP if you have no kids with this woman, block her, go 100% NC. And I know it sucks, but forget what she's saying about you. You know your truth.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/24 04:19 AM
6

Respectfully disagree. My girlfriend treats me amazingly. There are women out there that will respect you, care for you, support you, and love you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 08:39 PM
1

Exactly. Follow the recommendation from the experts, not keyboard warriors.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 07:28 PM
1

Curious to hear about others' experiences as well. My ex was anti-vax for a while but has gotten what's necessary for school the last couple of years before the divorce. I took my daughter to the doctor for her annual physical, and she was due for a vaccine so I had them do it. I figured she wouldn't want to waste money fighting it in court I feel like if there's an impasse, why wouldn't the vastly more recommended course of action recommended by the doctor be seen as contempt? It was a risk I w…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 07:24 PM
0

Or, you know, you could have open communication and discuss it with your girlfriend? Maybe I'll get downvotes for this but c'mon man. Don't play games. COMMUNICATE.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 05:49 AM
5

Actually, I met my gf on Reddit of all places while chilling on the couch with a g&t lol
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 04:25 PM
3

In my case it was a lack of both quality and quantity. I don't think she was ever really sexually interested in me. It took me far too long to give up hoping that would change. Why want something with someone who doesn't want it?
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 03:58 PM
5

To be clear, I don't consider my ex (likely a narcissist) to be a good parent. At face value, she is. She's bubbly, always "happy" in mixed company, etc. But she also has no boundaries, buys their love with sweets, and absolutely puts herself first and doesn't consider their feelings or their situation when doing things for herself.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 05:11 PM
8

This. I tried this with my ex (1-2x/yr) and I think she was just relieved I wasn't asking anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 05:16 AM
4

It started out normally, we were getting along better at first and co-parenting better. Then when reviewing bills, I saw a charge for match.com. My ex started to deny it, then admitted it but said "I got it but I'm not on it". At the time we were planning on finding a cheap 1br apartment to swap weeks in so the kids could stay 100% in the marital home, but I immediately started looking for my own place and moved myself into our daughter's bedroom (she came in and slept in our bed every night any…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 09:17 PM
2

My ex wanted to get a 1 bedroom apartment and swap weeks there. The thought of sleeping in a bed she was likely having sex in with another man made that a non-starter for me. Luckily I make enough that I could move out into my own place, and that helped tremendously. Having your own space will help with the healing process. Cohabitating was brutal once I caught her on dating apps and then using a 3 hour window I had our daughter to go to a guy's house.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 06:06 PM
2

Understood, figured I'd preemptively answer OP's question if they were wondering. Thanks for confirming.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 09:05 PM
4

☝️ but I believe any RSUs granted after separation are your sole property.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 08:50 PM
5

I ask myself this all the time. So many red flags, and she's a terrible person. She was emotionally abusive, but blamed me for getting upset and "being grumpy all the time" when she was disrespecting me daily and we had terrible pity sex 1-2x/yr. Good riddance.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 05:10 PM
3

Not one bit. I had a dead bedroom for years and 1-2x/yr of pity sex that was terrible. I have amazing sex with my gf now, it's way better than I had with my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 08:18 PM
8

I know it hurts and you're angry, but don't ruin your life over that POS.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 01:10 AM
16

Mine called me angry all the time, but it's kind of hard to be in a good mood when you're treated like shit, disrespected, and she only has pity sex 1-2x/yr with you. Good riddance, she's someone else's problem now.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 09:44 PM
1

My ex sent one pair of socks over and then when I sent one back (after buying some for my house) she accused me of keeping them in her passive aggressive way. When she did the same thing with underwear I just went and got a bunch for my house.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:55 AM
3

Or a gay man divorcing his husband?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/23 12:35 AM
3

I've read that recently they're hesitant to do that unless the ex spouse is unable to work (disabled, etc). I'm fortunate that my ex agreed to a cap of 10 years for our 20 year marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 05:50 PM
2

My girlfriend and I have been very careful to consider the kids at every step. I wish I could say the same for my ex. But I can't control her bad choices and irresponsibility. I just hope the kids are safe and I've been talking to my daughter (9) about good and bad touch and that she can come to me to talk about anything.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 03:10 AM
6

I think it depends. How long has she been seeing this person? My ex (begrudgingly, at the time she had a guy she was seeing who I guess thought was going well) wanted to wait 3 months to introduce kids to a partner after I had asked for six. She luckily eventually agreed to six months. The main thing is to avoid a revolving door or the kids getting attached to somebody only for them to leave, which to me seems like it would be like ripping a scab off before it's fully healed because the kids exp…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 02:12 AM
2

Can confirm.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/23 07:17 AM
2

Good point, and I agree. However, I'd avoid sitting near her if you can avoid it. And stop pain shopping by looking at her phone when she's nearby!
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 11:25 PM
9

She's insecure. I see your point, but my ex was the same way, all while begrudgingly having sex with me 1-2 times a YEAR. She knew I had needs, she wouldn't fulfill them and I'm the asshole? Nope.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 05:52 PM
4

Yes, it's for financial disclosures. Typically you each fill your own out. Her wanting to do yours in a contentious divorce isn't ok. In my case, I managed all the finances and my ex and I were splitting amicably, so I asked her permission.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 05:21 PM
16

Get a lawyer, ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:30 AM
3

Same, definitely trauma bonded. It's like G.I. Joe said "and knowing is half the battle". The way my girlfriend treats me and cares about me makes me realize how terrible my ex was, it's like night and day.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 03:25 AM
5

If I had a dollar for every red flag I ignored, I'd be rich...it is freeing. That said, when you're with someone for 20+ years and you're codependent, it's still hard. But it makes it easier to cope when you can look back at how shitty your ex treated you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 03:22 AM
3

Yup, individual therapy and couples therapy was eye opening.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 03:18 AM
8

I would ask this of my STBXW. I worked full-time, did all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, all the meal cleanup, more than half the laundry, all the financials, my half of kid related stuff. Never enough for her, she was a bottomless pit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 06:30 PM
1

She's pretty self sufficient and won't try to cook or anything like that. A couple weeks ago, my ex left her at home w/the teenagers and had growing pains and was crying for 2 hours in pain. I told her to make sure she goes and asks bro/sis for meds if that happens again and mom isn't home.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 05:21 PM
1

My 15 yo isn't very responsible, that's the issue. He's playing games on his PC with the door closed and over the ear headphones on, would you be cool with your 14 yo neighbor just playing video games and being unable to hear your 9 yo? And in this case, my son said he fell asleep at 4pm and didn't even know my daughter was home or that he was supposed to be watching her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 03:26 PM
1

Preface: I'm not a lawyer. But yup. It sucks, but if it was a marital asset (acquired during marriage, no prenuptial agreement), 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 05:13 AM
2

I honestly don't care what she's doing, she does this when she goes out with friends, too, I'm sure of that. My concern is primarily for the safety of my 9yo. If there's an emergency and my older kids are absent or asleep, etc, it would be terrible. I think I'll look into getting her a cheap cell phone line.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 06:08 PM
3

Thank you. Yes I realize it's a fine line, but if you knew my older kids you'd know they are not responsible enough to be watching her. They just hole up in their rooms and my son has headphones on most of the time playing games so even if he were awake, he's not exactly paying attention. The other week my 9yo said she had leg pains and was crying in bed for 3 hours until my ex came home. I told her she needs to go ask her brother or sister for help if she's not feeling well, but I just felt so …
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 03:18 AM
7

Good for you and congratulations! Keeping your body healthy is synergistic with keeping your mind healthy.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/23 09:45 PM
2

Just depends on the lawyer, I used that 30 minutes very effectively and I didn't feel like he was pressuring me at all or trying to stall. ¯_(ツ)_/
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 07:22 PM
1

This is a great attorney, he did an amazing job for my friend dealing with his BPD ex. Probably just varies by area, but assuming an attorney that gives free consultations is bad is just not always true.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 07:21 PM
5

I'm in the Sacramento, CA area. Maybe because I had a referral from a friend, but I got a 30 minute consultation for free.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 06:57 PM
6

You may want to find one or more lawyers you can get a free consultation with to understand your situation, just in case things get ugly. I will say that in my situation, I worried about my ex going nuclear a few times but she hasn't so far (we're doing mediation).
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 05:15 PM
2

Oooof sorry man!
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 04:34 PM
27

seriously, all I had to do was remember the dead fish sex and insane lack of it. Someone else's problem now..Also, she's a terrible person, so I just remind myself of all her bad qualities.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:37 PM
1

I'd consult a lawyer, but if the funds went into a joint checking account it could complicate things I guess? At the least, it could be used when determining income for child and/or spousal support. But I'd definitely ask a lawyer. In my case, our date of separation was 8/1 but I found how much money my ex was blowing on micro transactions at target and opened a new bank account in September and took my half of the checking/savings to insulate myself from her spending.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 05:58 PM
3

I would consult a lawyer, but since you're filing jointly and the money made was a marital asset during the year, I think 50/50 makes sense. I got a refund and split it 50/50 with my ex since we filed jointly in 2022, even though I made probably 95% of our joint income. If we'd owed I would have insisted she pay half, but we got some back this year.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/23 09:53 PM
2

Everyone is ready to move on at different times. You don't sound like you're ready to date, even if it's just for practice. Heal first, focus on the kids and don't ruminate on your ex, that person is gone.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/23 03:08 PM
2

Yeah it fucked me up for a while, and I can only imagine how bad it would have been if she had been the one to initiate and if our marriage wasn't total shit and I didn't already know she was a horrible person and that's divorce was the right thing. So I feel for the guys who were cheated on, because we were separated (but still cohabitating) and that hurt badly. I can't imagine being cheated on.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 11:20 PM
5

As others have said, you need to get out. I was the one that initiated divorce, but it was my ex who got on dating apps and was flaunting it (constantly hiding her phone, smiling as she typed on it, taking selfies in the other room, etc). She even went on a 3-4 hour date to a guy's house the weekend before I moved out. That wrecked me for a while. But I felt immensely better once I moved out and distanced myself from her selfish and rude dating/sexting while I was still living in the house. Get …
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 07:09 PM
3

Karma whoring at its finest. Sad.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 06:38 PM
2

Why give up 50/50? Fight for your time with your kids. If you don't want 50/50 and it equals out, then be prepared for things not to change because as others have pointed out, it's an extremely uphill battle to modify later, and it's unlikely.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/23 06:47 PM
4

It's good you didn't sign, you're giving away what you deserve.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/23 06:39 PM
3

Look I was where you were at one point. But you can't control what she does and she's going to date. You're getting divorced. On your time with the kids, stop giving a fuck what she's doing. And if she asks you to watch the kids on her time, you can say no. That's a complete sentence, and you can maintain that boundary, it's yours to maintain if you choose to. As the kids get older, you will probably learn to cherish the extra time you have with them. It's priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 08:15 PM
3

We were legally separated 7/19 and her birthday was late August. I got her only a card. She wasn't very thrilled lol but I didn't feel obligated. I did get her one Christmas gift, and later she was like "oh I didn't know we were exchanging".
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 04:31 PM
8

Deactivated my FB account the moment my ex decided to date while I was still living in our martial home and I don't miss it at all. I'm glad I can't see her fake af narcissistic posts and the friends I care about and are true friends reached out or I reached out to them. There's no way I'd be in as good a place and able to work on myself as deeply if I had to see her BS on FB.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 06:40 AM
3

I'm trying to do this, but in my case my ex takes advantage of it and also gets defensive and angry when I hold my boundaries and say no. She was asking me all sorts of things to help her and unless it involves the kids, I've generally said no to establish boundaries (which she really does not like). Until she shows me the respect I deserve and doesn't attack me when I say no or demand why I can't help, I'm going to stick to my boundaries, although I'm sure she bad mouths me to her friends and t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/23 06:52 PM
5

Yeah it's way tougher to go no contact when you share kids. I'm looking forward to when my youngest is 18.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:33 AM
10

I feel you man. I see her face in counseling (soon to be over because she just uses it as a platform to cut me like she did our entire marriage) and it disgusts me. Sorry you had to go through that, just be the best person you can be and if you have kids, be the best dad you can be and her smug smile will change. Or not, but who gives a shit about her, be your best self and forget her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:31 AM
15

Perhaps but the joke's on them since she's a terrible lover.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:26 AM
29

Lol my ex has something like that in her dating profile. Meanwhile she buys the kids lunchables or McDonald's for dinner half the week so she can save time and go out on dates. I mean, I hope for my wallet's sake she finds someone and marries quickly, but damn she's probably been on 30+ dates and I guess the men around her age are smarter than my 21 dumb ass.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:24 AM
6

I think it varies and everyone is different. Some people have known their marriage was over for a long time and have done the healing and self reflection enough to date sooner than others without it being a rebound.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 07:21 PM
10

No, do not send her anything, you're separated.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:33 PM
1

I want my lawyer to review things first, and I guess I'm risking losing my ex's agreement but I feel like it's too important not to have it reviewed by someone on only my side.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/23 08:28 PM
1

Everything isn't so black and white and I'm not being her white knight so much as I'm looking out for the best interest of my kids. Ultimately it's all a negotiation and I'm not interested in jeopardizing everything else to force her hand to sell and then we wind up lawyering up and wasting both our money fighting each other. I think 1 year is fair. If she decides not to get a higher paying job to establish the job history and doesn't qualify, that's on her and I won't feel like I screwed her. I…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 06:38 PM
1

She won't qualify to refi in 90 days, I'm actually leaning towards 1 year. I've been paying her support since we are in mediation and agreed there to a reasonable payment based on the California support guideline calculator.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 05:38 PM
1

Yes, definitely want a paper trail of that. Another option I need to explore is adjusting the asset division so that she effectively pays me up front for the difference between the alimony and mortgage. That way I don't have to chase her for that difference every month, since I have to remind her to settle up kids' expenses every month.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 07:57 AM
2

Yeah, I paid for her teaching education after she already had a business degree, and she didn't even make enough before we separated to pay for that. And now I'm doing her a huge favor only imputing her for a full-time teacher salary, but I know how entitled she is and she'll be pissed I'm not imputing her part time subbing since she doesn't have a full-time job yet, but that's how it works.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 10:37 PM
1

Yeah I'm in no position to buy soon financially, and with two kids nearly 18, I don't necessarily want to buy a 4br house that I won't need anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 09:57 PM
2

I'm giving up quite a bit (well, I guess that's TBD as I can use it as leverage). She has a business degree and a teaching credential. She's currently substitute teaching, full time, but being pad less than half a full-time teacher. I'm going to suggest we impute her income at a starting teacher's full-time salary, knowing damn well I could hire a vocational expert and she'd be imputed even higher. I'm doing this because teaching is her "dream job", even though it's probably costing me a lot of …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 08:20 PM
-1

Which part? I support her keeping the house, she wants it and I do not. We have the assets in other areas (cash, stock, 401k) for her to buy me out. Since I'm paying the mortgage, I don't have to worry about her not paying and affecting my credit. She gets way cheaper "rent" so it's a big incentive for her. I can also build in a clause in the MSA that if she fails to pay me 3x then she must sell, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 07:35 PM
4

Sounds like CS has to be paid in full per federal law, damn. But I don't think this is true for alimony, right? So let's say my mortgage is $2000 and I owe her $1500 in alimony, we can put in the agreement that she owes me $500 at the first of each month, until the alimony amount changes, right?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 06:38 PM
3

You'd be entitled to half of both cars' equity in a 50/50 situation, so she'd have to cover the difference somehow with other assets. Note that the division of the 401k doesn't require cashing it out (read: major tax and early withdrawal penalties).
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 03:33 AM
2

I'm not sure why, but the California support calculator doesn't jive with what our mediator uses, the "dissomaster", and she never answered why. Luckily to save money my ex and I agreed to use the California support calculator web site so we can adjust when things change without paying $400+ every time. That said, I can help you fill it out if you have questions and one key thing you'll want to find out is what formula your county uses for alimony calculations. DM me if you need any help but the…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 04:51 AM
3

Exactly, go as little contact as possible with this type of person, and learn to ignore the BS and grey rock her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:35 PM
1

Thanks, I think I'm going to push for deferred division and just agree to split anything that vests that was granted pre-separation when it vests 50/50 as I think my employer pays the tax when the shares vest, but I need to confirm that or agree to give her something slightly lower than 50% to offset the taxes.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 08:53 PM
1

So it's negotiable, right? I can have the mediator run the calculation w/o RSUs then I can agree to just give her half the RSUs as they vest, if she agrees?
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 07:50 PM
1

Good point! I'll have to check if my company does the same with respect to the taxes. That would certainly simplify things as I can just give her half the shares.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 07:35 PM
2

Thank you, so even though I was granted them pre-divorce since they don't vest until post-divorce they're all mine?
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 07:02 PM
1

I keep seeing this "don't move out" thing, but in my case it's 95% amicable and we agreed in front of a mediator to do 50/50 (week on/off) and have been doing that since mid-October. Are you saying if she wanted to be a bitch she could claim abandonment?! I mean, the kids are with me half the time and that's proven. Just curious...
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 05:55 PM
9

I struggled with this, especially since I was in a codependent relationship with a narcissist. It takes time, but you have to stop thinking of her as your wife and as an independent person who will need to learn to solve her own problem. I understand the angst, but you're better off letting her go and learn to function on her own.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 07:06 PM
5

Not my physical ideal, but my ex was my "type" and she is so toxic, sexless, unintelligent and emotionally damaged that I'm glad I'm free of her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/23 05:05 AM
6

I told my ex no because she was no longer on the insurance policy and while I was couch ridden (vasectomy), I might have needed it in an emergency. She proceeded to insult me (as she does whenever I assert a boundary), and I'd do it again.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 01:49 AM
3

Absolutely should, I highly recommend it!
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 10:43 PM
1

My ex and I never saw eye to eye, and didn't share a lot of values in common. I'm learning it's nearly impossible to co-parent with her because we just don't see eye to eye and her house is chaotic while I try to keep some reasonable rules and boundaries in mine.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 06:02 AM
1

Anyone's (ex) wife clean before the cleaners came? Pro tip: don't ask why.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 09:13 AM
1

Seconded
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 09:12 AM
2

Can confirm and in my case it wasn't even in our house. My ex was at a dude's house for 4 hours while she knew I was taking our youngest out for a day trip while we were still living together.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 09:04 AM
2

I'm not sure, but as far as I know they dig into their past jobs/careers, education (even if not used), etc.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 04:07 AM
1

You said men and women aren't friends. We're great friends.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 10:45 PM
2

I have to disagree there. My best friends growing up were brother and sister and there was a time when I was romantically interested, but she wasn't in me and I accepted that. She's still my best friend to this day. Maybe I'm an outlier?
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 07:11 AM
5

You can hire a vocational expert to evaluate them. Typically $3-6k from what I read.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 05:35 AM
3

You're not a narcissist, the amount of empathy I'm seeing from you proves that. It sounds like she may be, possibly projecting that on you. I'm in a similar situation and I went through that phase. Her decision to go on dates and be on dating apps while we're eating dinner with the kids etc really helped me get over the guilt quite a bit. I still struggle with it at times, but that's the codependency talking. When you are someone's savior constantly for decades and prop them up, it does feel ver…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 07:46 PM
3

You're not a narcissist, the amount of empathy I'm seeing from you proves that. It sounds like she may be, possibly projecting that on you. I'm in a similar situation and I went through that phase. Her decision to go on dates and be on dating apps while we're eating dinner with the kids etc really helped me get over the guilt quite a bit. I still struggle with it at times, but that's the codependency talking. When you are someone's savior constantly for decades and prop them up, it does feel ver…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 07:46 PM
8

Sorry you're going through this, I completely understand the pick, pick, pick until you just say "fuck this" and then the goal posts move because you said fuck. Get out. Now. It sounds like you've been married under a year so try to get an annulment and get into therapy. Good luck man!
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 09:09 AM
17

We're here for you man!
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/22 07:15 AM
2

Yup, this feels so easy. Even in the early days of my marriage, the sex wasn't frequent enough and it felt like a ton of work. This relationship feels so much better and easier.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/22 05:45 PM
13

This 100%! My marriage was so toxic and I ignored it so much. After 6+ months of therapy, I can finally admit those things to myself and now that I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend, I see what a healthy relationship is and it's fucking amazing and makes my marriage seem like a steaming pile.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/22 05:44 PM
6

I have and she's amazing. She's cute, caring, emotionally intelligent, smart, funny, incredible in bed, and we have a ton in common and can talk for 10 hours straight like it was 15 minutes. They're out there. I wasn't looking, not even looking to date. But we ran into each other here and the rest is history..Good luck man!
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/22 05:42 PM
1

Sorry to hear that. I would highly recommend therapy. Hopefully I'm in time for my 9 yo.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/22 10:22 PM
1

Thank you for sharing. THIS is exactly why I got over the "stay married for the kids" BS. Because I'd rather my kids see us divorce because we're not good for each other than stay together and continue to expose them to the toxicity. My older kids had to deal with that, but getting out now, I hope my 9 yo sees that you don't have to stay with someone if it's not working. And I hope to model a real, loving relationship for her in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/22 06:50 PM
1

Yeah I got my ex a $60 gift that I think was thoughtful since we have kids. Not sure if she'll get me anything.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 11:40 PM
12

Yes, I'm dating an amazing woman. No, I'm not repeating the same mistakes because I've been in therapy for 7 months and I've been working on myself and the things I know I can improve. I stopped blaming myself for the things that my ex manipulated me into thinking were all my fault. And I'm able to communicate so well with my girlfriend, which is the complete opposite of the terrible or lack of communication with my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 04:58 AM
2

You're welcome! Best of luck man!
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 08:52 PM
1

So far, mine is going well with a few hiccups and my STBX dragging her feet on financial disclosures. But so far we're on track and despite her dating while I still lived there, we've remained mostly civil. I just don't do her BS or answer her menial questions anymore, which I think bugs her but I'm not her husband anymore so I'm not her go-to for questions she can Google or her tech support.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 08:51 PM
3

I was the one who initiated and the moment I found out she was at a guy's house and getting dick pics from online dating guys she met, I felt similarly. My therapist said it's normal to have these feelings, you were with them for a long time and it's strange to think about them with someone else. Try to focus on yourself. Talk to a therapist, hit the gym, do things for yourself and don't ignore the emotions. But also, and I speak from experience, don't dwell on it or let it spiral. A technique m…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 08:39 PM
5

I can relate completely. My ex is not prepared to be a functioning adult in society because of the codependency of our relationship. She never respected what I provided and did for the family, I just hope she is a fast learner. She's been renting a car for like 10 weeks because her car broke down and the repair place must be royally fucking her..She's pissing away all her cash. Granted she has stock and other savings she can dip into, but already after only 2 months separated? I feel bad for her…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 04:19 PM
9

My ex wanted out as much as I did I think, although I've thought about divorce before many times. But she would never have initiated unless I'd cheated. I'm glad I finally had the balls to do it, she's a terrible person and I deserve better.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 03:09 PM
2

I came to say this. Everyone is different. It depends a lot on how long the marriage has been dead, whether you've worked on yourself, and when you feel the time is right.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/22 06:45 PM
1

Yup! Glad I did it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 09:17 PM
2

I held off for both these reasons, but ultimately told her I wanted a divorce and she finally agreed (she wanted to separate, I knew that wouldn't help and she'd just start dating). We've been technically separated since 7/19 and physically since 10/17 and while the finances are a struggle, I'm still making it. The kids are actually handling it very well. Why? Because they saw how toxic our relationship was, and ultimately they see us both happier (well, I know I'm happier. Not sure about her, I…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 07:56 PM
3

Ignore her BS anyway. Look up and read about grey rock. If she tries to start shit, remove yourself from the situation. Anything else, answer in an even tone with no emotion. Don't feed her what she needs.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 06:38 PM
7

The best thing you can do with a narcissist is ignore them. As little contact as possible. I know it's hard, I'm struggling with it myself but it gets easier!
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 06:28 PM
2

I tend to make it when I have the kids since they like it, then freeze the leftovers in 2-3 meal size containers for easy meals on my off weeks when I don't want to cook. I had heard about instant pots and never really got them until my ex bought one on black Friday a few years ago and it's a game changer for quick meals. Highly recommend one.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 08:06 PM
6

If you have an instant pot, chili is a good easy meal with not much mess and freezes well. You can do it on the stove, too, but it takes more time and babysitting.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/22 08:04 PM
1

My therapist said to call 211 and they can help locate a local support group. I haven't done it yet, but I plan to.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/22 09:07 PM
7

Yeah I feel sorry for the poor sap my ex gets her narcissistic claws into.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/22 05:44 PM
7

I get it, but my.son said "Mom didn't make dinner at all last week. She's always going out" and the week prior, my older daughter refused to watch my daughter while I ran to get gas because she said "I'm always the one that has to watch (younger daughter) when Mom goes out". So it's not like once a week when they're with her, it's apparently enough to be very noticeable to the older kids.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/22 02:33 AM
14

Right?! My STBXW apparently has been leaving my 9 yo with the older kids to go out on dates all the time. When they're with me, I want all that time. They'll realize in time who the more loving parent is and who was stable and there for them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/22 02:10 AM
1

You're welcome! Stay strong man!
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 07:30 PM
1

You can also call 211 and they can get you in touch with a local divorce support group. I need to do that myself, probably after the holidays.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 04:27 PM
7

I don't know what my STBXW is saying about me (if anything) but you can't control that. All you can do is continue to love your kids and role model what a good parent looks like. Set boundaries and hold to them and provide some stability for your kids as best you can. It's a long game, they will eventually see your ex for what she is. Trust me, this is easier than it sounds, but I think your kids will appreciate and love you more for being the better person and just focusing on them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 03:19 PM
1

Highly doubt it, but idgaf
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 09:48 PM
2

Maybe, sucks for them hahaha
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 05:54 PM
2

That may be the case for many/most, but my STBXW literally is grossed out by oral sex in general. Her comment - "pee comes out of there". Who knows, maybe she is giving BJs to her dates now, but if so I feel sorry for them because toothy BJs are not ok.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 05:21 PM
18

Hadn't had a blow job in like 15+ years. She had a lot of sexual prudeness. She didn't like me going down on her, either and I'm good at it. Her idea of foreplay was to flop down in the bed and say "just stick it in". So romantic. No more dead fish sex or lack of BJs for me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 04:01 PM
7

I'm getting better at this. You're absolutely right, don't be a dick, but she lost the privilege of my favors and time when we filed.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/22 09:59 PM
7

Seconded Also my therapist suggested calling 211 and getting connected to a divorce support group. OP may want to try that, too.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/22 10:26 PM
4

Congrats! I'm hoping this is me in about 3 months, if my STBXW would get her 401k info, she's holding up the financial disclosures with our mediator by not giving it any priority.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 01:46 AM
6

Perhaps with no work. Cruise control doesn't work in any relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 01:46 AM
2

We decided to let her keep everything at the house but split the cost of the kids' rooms and the kitchen stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 01:58 AM
2

My ex enjoys ghosting me on legit co-parenting requests, that or she's on a date. Either way, I struggle thinking about her with another man which is where my head goes when she doesn't respond, even though I KNOW this divorce is the right thing and she's a toxic narcissist. It's a mind fuck to know you made the right decision and still feel jealous at times. But 25 years is a long time and the inertia will take time to overcome I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:45 AM
7

I can't speak for your situation, but my marriage became a total codependency and I understand your struggle. I went through that phase of thinking: I need to keep supporting her, helping her, etc. I'm still struggling with that at times, but mostly I'm trying to stop being her crutch. It gets easier (but I have my regressions) when they move on and don't attempt to hide it. You don't owe her anything, let her figure out her life and I know it's hard but you have to let her fail.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/22 08:39 AM
10

Man I feel you, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the breaking point for me was when she decided to go on dating apps and then use a few hours that I took our youngest daughter out to go to a guy's house. We were still living together but I'd been sleeping in another room for a while, but it was still messed up that she couldn't wait 2 days until I moved out to go to a guy's house. It fucked me up for a while, but I just keep reminding myself how I couldn't do enough to satisfy her, n…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/22 08:21 AM
27

Married 20 years together 25. We have 3 kids, and that means constantly texting with my STBXW about finances, activities, etc though I'm trying to reduce that and deal with finances once a month. I hate it. Every time I have to text her and she doesn't reply until the next day or hours later, my mind goes to her fucking some guy. I was the one pushing for the divorce and rightfully so, yet this shit bothers me for some reason. I honestly am sick of feeling jealous of a completely shit person who…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/22 07:05 AM
14

Exactly, my STBXW pushed my buttons constantly, daily. Then when the inevitable argument ensues, and her gaslighting and goal post moving gets to be too much, I say "oh fuck off" and then it's ALL about me saying fuck and I'm the asshole. I wish I'd learned to do what I am getting better at now, which is to practice grey rock and not let her get under my skin. Would have been useful years ago and I would have divorced her sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/22 06:46 PM
1

Wondering the same. I am fortunate that I have my kids for the night before and for half the day Thanksgiving, but even being separate for dinner and the night feels like it's going to suck.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/22 04:59 AM
9

I felt guilty up until the point she was dating someone while I was still living in the same house. That level of disrespect lost any good graces I had for her. And while the thoughts about her with other men bothered me a lot at first, it's gotten better and better, slowly. I think everyone is different, but take it day by day. Good luck man!
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/22 03:56 AM
3

Thank you for this!
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/22 04:37 AM
21

Congratulations! I was told by many people I'd feel way better after I moved out from under the constant low level emotional abuse and I didn't fully believe it until I experienced it. It's amazing.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/22 02:34 AM
1

Our plan is for her to buy me out using some of the 401k/stock/cash and currently I'm paying the mortgage and deducting it from the total CS+SS I'm paying her, this is the temporary agreement but should be similar for the final. We just need to agree on a timeline for her to refinance (or sell).
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/22 04:09 AM
8

I know it's hard, I can only imagine in your case because in my case my STBXW was not my friend. We didn't particularly like each other, we're incompatible, and I don't want to be with her. Yet for a while the thought of her with another man drove me crazy. I'm much better after about a month, and each day gets a little easier, though I still have my bad days. All I can say is that it does get better, slowly. Allow yourself to acknowledge those feelings, but it's time to put yourself first. Have…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/22 07:50 PM
3

This! I disabled my FB account the moment I found out my STBXW was dating. I don't need to see how "happy she is" (love bombing her next victim).
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/22 12:04 AM
2

Interested. I'm in mediation so luckily we're mostly amicable, but I'm definitely interested to ensure I don't miss anything!
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/22 04:18 AM
2

Thank you, I'm sure I will. I'm not 21 anymore, and I know what I want and need now.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 08:14 PM
2

Better is totally subjective. I was very attracted to my ex, but she was terrible in bed (the one time a year she'd allow it), unintelligent, emotionally unavailable, and just all around a shit person.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 07:32 PM
5

I don't recommend it. My ex and I were amicable and things were ok, but then my ex started dating while I was still there before I could move out and it definitely made things worse.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/22 10:52 PM
2

Unfortunately, I have 3. I'm doing my best to be the stable parent, she's the "fun" one and is going out with her bf or on dates and leaving my youngest at a neighbor's and crap like that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/22 05:02 AM
6

My ex decided to have girlfriends over to our house so I went to watch Thursday night football with a couple of buddies and then called a friend for a bit until I knew her friends were gone before going back to the house (we were still living together at that point). It was nearly zero contact and worked out well.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/22 12:28 AM
6

Damn that's messed up! I don't really see my ex doing stuff like that, but then again I would never have guessed she'd be on dating sites and drive 45 minutes to a dude's house for 4 hours while I was with our youngest daughter. I felt used af like she planned it so I'd have our youngest so she could go off and fuck her guy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/22 12:18 AM
4

We have 3 kids, so I generally respond to things related to them and ignore her other BS.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/22 12:07 AM
6

Yes! Is it wrong that it gives me a little bit of pleasure to ignore these kinds of texts then reply to something legit about the divorce or financials/etc? hahah
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 11:14 PM
3

Same here. This is only my 2nd week with my kids and during my last week she wanted my daughter over to carve a pumpkin because she "didn't have time" when she was with my ex. BS, you went on dates instead of carving a pumpkin with your daughter. She intertwined herself in EVERY day of my first week. It's disgusting.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 11:13 PM
5

Exactly! I'm learning to set them and she's definitely not used to them and from what I've read a narcissist will push boundaries harder and is slower to realize than most. Just have to keep at it!
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 11:02 PM
6

Yup, now she's asking what internet speed to get and I'm sure it hasn't dawned on her she needs a streaming device like a Chromecast or a Roku etc. So I'm sure the next question will be what device to get and then she'll ask me to install it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 10:27 PM
4

Exactly, which is why i just ignore these kinds of texts.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 09:47 PM
8

She disrespected me by lying to me and dating before I'd moved out (she couldn't wait 2 days) and she's still constantly making snide comments, using my name pejoratively, finding ways to undermine me when the kids are with me, etc. If she was being respectful to me, I'd be happy to help. Until then she can pound sand.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 09:07 PM
8

Mine doesn't get super nasty but she does use every opportunity to throw in little cuts at me constantly and this is the 2nd week of my time 50/50 and in those 8 days the kids have been on my time, she has managed to intermingle herself every day. I don't know how to stop it, she doesn't respect boundaries and calls me weird if I try to hold them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 08:13 PM
3

This is what my STBXW and I are doing, so it's good to hear it worked out well. In my case, I don't think she will be able to refinance and will likely have to sell it. But she is hell bent on keeping the house so not my problem. I'll take the equivalent of half the equity in 401k/stock/cash I'm not having to give her.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 08:07 PM
2

I'm trying to think of it as getting out before wasting my entire life. Best of luck man!
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 02:48 AM
6

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I pushed for the divorce (she finally agreed then REALLY agreed and was on dating sites and dating before I moved out, but she was too much of a coward to end it) and I did it because I knew our marriage was toxic and I finally realized it wasn't healthy for me. Nor the kids to see a shit relationship and model their lives based on what they saw. I just hope it was soon enough. I think the reason women end it more often is they are less vested in the marriag…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/22 01:21 AM
1

I'm 8! my mid 40s and I'm getting it done soon. I have 3 kids with my STBXW and do not want more kids.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 05:51 PM
1

Only you can decide what the right thing is, but as someone who thought about divorce many times over the last 20 years, I wish I had done it sooner. Although then I wouldn't have my 3rd child so that's the silver lining, I love her to death.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 06:25 PM
2

Trust me when I say I feel you. My ex rejected me sexually constantly. We were having sex once a year, and she told me she "doesn't need sex" when we talked after both agreeing we needed to divorce in counseling. Then she's going to a dude's house for hours when I haven't moved out yet. She forgot the "with you" in that statement. We haven't been right for years, I think we both checked out a long time ago. If she was the cheating type, she would have cheated a while ago but instead she just dis…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 06:06 PM
3

I was like this until my ex started dating while I still lived in the same house (was sleeping in my daughter's room). That opened my eyes and I saw how dishonest she was and how terrible a person she is. From then on, she became my adversary as she should have been. We're still mostly amicable and in mediation, but I'm done doing her any favors.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 05:56 PM
8

Exactly! My STBX told me I'm weird because I told her she came into my house uninvitedagain and that she needs to respect my boundaries and rules of my home..She's just pissed I'm not her patsy anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 02:55 PM
2

Bro that doesn't sound....good? hahah unless you were being sarcastic
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 04:51 AM
7

That crossed my mind, but I think the damage to them wouldn't have been worth it. I want my kids to see a healthy loving relationship and that was NOT my marriage!
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 04:45 AM
3

Voted no before I saw the not divorced yet option, but 100% the right decision for me and nothing is going to change that before it's final.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 04:18 AM
22

This sounds very familiar. I worked a full-time job and pay for everything while she was a stay-at-home mom, and slowly over the years I started doing more and more around the house but it was never enough. All I can say is that you deserve happiness and it is ultimately to you whether you think you can find it with her. I knew I couldn't find it with my ex because she was a narcissist and incapable of recognizing her own faults let alone working on them.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/22 06:56 AM
3

You're welcome, feel free to dm me anytime. If I can help in any way, I'm happy to.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 02:23 AM
10

Your story is very similar to mine. I decided I was worth giving myself a chance at happiness, even if it meant disrupting my financially stable "coasting" life. I finally realized I married too young, completely for looks and then ignored all the red flags and her narcissism and then when I finally pulled the trigger and told her and she agreed, it was like I'd just opened my eyes for the first time. I saw how selfish, entitled, and manipulative she was. I saw how she undermined me constantly, …
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 01:56 AM
5

Yup, it's BS the money just shifts from CS to SS and it's nearly a wash.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 04:45 AM
2

No, I'll be paying over double what you were. But for this month, because the mortgage comes out until she refis the house and because I'd paid all the mediation fees, I was able to deduct those from the support payment and it felt good to send her such a small amount!
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/22 05:03 PM
5

Thank you for this!
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/22 05:39 AM
3

Yup, we danced around it for a long time. We both knew our marriage was bad and we were close to divorce a couple of times. She wanted to keep her cushy life, no doubt. It's been rough on me to see her just kind of shrug then go full on dating so quickly, but that's just her attention seeking narcissism. Good luck to the guy she dupes like she did me. If your wife isn't willing to try counseling or work on her own issues, I'd say divorce is inevitable and maybe you can work it out amicably so yo…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/22 02:09 AM
6

That was my STBX, until she finally realized she was also on board with divorce, then she went full press on dating. I think she was too much of a coward to initiate the divorce, but once we agreed on it, she is definitely "ready to move on" (her words, said to me multiple times).
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/22 01:52 AM
1

Oh I'm paying out the ass, don't get me wrong lol!
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/22 06:17 AM
14

You need to stop fantasizing about what you wanted her to be, and come to grips with who she really is. I'm still struggling with it, but I'm making progress! It's hard to come to grips with seeing the truth that you ignored for years.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/22 05:16 AM
12

I just moved into my own place, nearly 21 years married and 25 years together with a similar situation (narcissistic, manipulative) and while it's not been perfect, I feel a weight off my shoulders I've been bearing for years.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/22 04:57 AM
2

This sounds so close to my situation! Everyone told me my stress level would go down when I moved out, and I didn't really understand. But I do now, and it's glorious. I can't wait to have my kids here without her around.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/22 04:56 AM
2

Thank you! I'm working through it
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 09:52 PM
33

Yes! have to keep it positive man
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 06:52 AM
12

This! I spent the last few months still treating my STBXW with respect and continuing to do all the household things I do and shopping on top of working full time to pay all the bills. She rewards me with going on dating apps and blatantly texting guys from those sites right in front of me.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/22 02:51 AM
1

I just wanted to please her, get her off. She was like a dead fish in bed hahaha
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 05:04 AM
4

Sounds really familiar. My wife grew up Catholic and I've always thought she is a prude, and I think that's a big part of it. But I also think she didn't want sex with me specifically.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 03:25 AM
7

Yup my STBXW said she "didn't need sex" but she was saying "with me" in her head I think. I should have seen that red flag 20 years ago, she never wanted sex out entire marriage except when I was a sperm donor for her to have kids lol
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 03:15 AM
2

I'm early in the process, and my STBXW didn't cheat (that I know of, I'm 99% sure she didn't) but she decided to go on dating apps before I moved out, and is not hiding the fact at all. Unfortunately, I saw some of the messages and let me tell you, that destroyed me for a day or two. I was a mess, even though I recognize the marriage is over and I don't want to be with her. It's hard, you'll have bad days and better days. Highly recommend seeking therapy or group meets if you can't afford therap…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 06:18 PM
1

My therapist is female and she's amazing. I truly feel lucky.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 05:12 AM
2

You're welcome, thanks for organizing this!
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 04:19 AM
4

I'm early in the process, but for me how to recover the self-esteem that my STBXW demolished. I'm the one who pushed more for divorce but we both knew it was what needed to happen. I still struggle because of how she treated me for so many years. I'm working on it in counseling and my friends and family have been supportive, but overcoming 20+ years of your wife disrespecting and berating you is hard.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 03:13 AM
2

Interested!
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/22 01:46 AM
16

This is encouraging. My wife is a textbook narcissist and I am realizing she destroyed my self-esteem and has been a constant medium level of stress for 20+ years. This gives me hope that I can find someone that will truly love me reciprocally.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 05:51 PM
4

Yeah I think it depends on the state, because my mediator said CS isn't negotiable and you can't deduct from it (in my case I wanted to give her: cs+ss-mortgage since she's planning to buy me out and is staying in the house. But if the ss (alimony) is less than the mortgage, I have to get her to pay me back, so it's all funny money but requires a paper trail.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 06:24 AM
1

Yeah, I see your point!
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 07:20 PM
1

I'm in California, and it's amicable. We are in mediation and the plan has been for her to buy me out.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 03:50 PM
3

Absolutely will, thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 03:47 PM
2

Exactly, it was.ok at first, it's getting worse and worse and she's blatantly sexting guys and pissed my move in date isn't the day of my rental walkthrough because she "doesn't want to have to tell you where I'm going or make sure you can watch the kids". For someone who only wanted sex 1x a year (begrudgingly), she sure is ready to go out and screw any dude that gives her attention on dating apps.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 03:42 PM
2

Well so far our divorce is going through mediation and is amicable but this shit is just so slimy. I was hoping someone might suggest a way to get to her and make her realize how irresponsible it is.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 01:49 AM
2

You and me both, man.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/22 01:47 AM
1

I'm sure OP knows that, but is asking how I think?
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 09:03 PM
3

I was in a similar situation, and finally decided my own happiness and the kids' happiness was more important than the money, and my kids would be better off being with each parent when they're significantly happier 50% of the time than being with both of us when we're both miserable. In my case, my.STBXW and I bicker constantly (mostly because she is hypercritical and ignores all I do, but there's also built up resentment on both sides and dead bed). But in your case, even if you guys don't arg…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/22 02:35 PM
47

Yes, catfishing most likely. I'd just ignore them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/22 04:05 PM
6

Oh yeah, the focus on the negative and not acknowledging the positives. Not going to miss that. I remember one time she was gone for a few days and I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned all the bathrooms, did 4 loads of laundry, swept the floors, and made dinner which was ready when she got home from her trip. She walks in, and within an hour says "oh wow, the floors need to be washed" with no acknowledgement of the 90% of the house that was cleaner than when she left. Fuck me, right?
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 04:55 AM
8

Right?! My STBXW was out of town for almost a week. I had a moment of doubt the other day. Then she came home and started EIGHT arguments within 12 hours (only around each other for an hour and a half). And it just reinforced my decision.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 03:12 AM
6

Thank you, this is spot on. In my case, I chose happiness (or a chance at it) and living more meagerly over a comfortable (financially) life with a loveless marriage. I'm confident I'll be happier, and so will she. It'll be harder financially, but you can't put a price tag on happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/22 03:31 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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