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View 2 posts and 66 comments by saraswati_beans on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
364

LEVEL UPsaraswati_beans/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/21 04:29 PM
2

SHOWER THOUGHTsaraswati_beans/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/08/20 04:55 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
139

My ex was a conservative, but he gave me the impression that he was more balanced/centrist than he actually was. I thought that when push came to shove, our core values were in alignment. We’d have lighthearted banter around our differences and had what I thought were respectful, high quality debates (rather than arguments) about current events and political philosophy. But when the pandemic hit, his true colors came out, and that was one of the major reasons I ended up leaving him. Part of it w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/22 12:07 PM
7

Aspirational 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/22 04:00 PM
14

Yeah, this reeks of enmeshment and poor boundaries. I’m also a single mom and even if my ex-husband and I were on completely amicable terms, I wouldn’t want him coming into my house for something as intimate as making me breakfast. After my divorce, I became seriously involved with a divorced man with children. He would participate in playing “happy family” with his ex-wife on holidays and such; it was confusing and sad for his kids (children of divorce always harbor fantasies that their parents…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/12/21 03:23 PM
33

Omg this gave me flashbacks. 🤦🏻‍♀️This is a special kind of abuse. I spent 14 years with the man who eventually became my ex-husband and it was always “my job” to wake him up. If we were arguing or if I was just sick of his shit and decided not to wake him up one day, he’d have a full on tantrum about how he “couldn’t help it” and it was going to be all my fault if he failed his class or got fired. He blamed it on his “sleep apnea” but it was more likely due to the fact that he regularly stayed …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/12/21 03:01 PM
191

Sorry, “her” three children?? 🤨
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/12/21 01:36 PM
20

Ugh, this was so hard to read. OOP is clearly desperate for things to work out with them buying her parents’ house, and she is not thinking clearly. Her boyfriend holds all the power right now; there’s no way he’s going to marry her, and there’s no other way this scenario could work out in her favor. This dude is selfish (“hating” his high paying wfh job, wanting to go 50/50 even though she makes basically half of what he does, not prioritizing paying off his student loans, not having proposed a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 03:12 PM
6

Oh god, the mildew clothes smell! This is a red flag unto itself. It shows that a) he’s probably lazy, leaving his laundry to sit in the washer, b) he doesn’t know how to do laundry like a grownup and can’t even be bothered to google how to fix the problem (washing again with vinegar does the trick), and c) he doesn’t care that he stinks (no self-respect).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 01:55 PM
9

Yes, the husband was the wayward spouse in the original Ingmar Bergman miniseries. The role reversal in the reboot feels disingenuous and stinks of whataboutism. It’s irritating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 03:20 AM
24

“Jelly-backbone milquetoast” 😂🏆
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/21 03:29 AM
174

The egg does not swim to the sperm
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/21 03:43 AM
3

You just described the last man I was in a long-term relationship with, to a tee. He was over a decade my senior, had 2 failed marriages under his belt, and was a veteran of several rounds of marriage/couples’ counseling. I really think the main thing a lot of men get out of couples’ counseling is a new language of manipulation. They co-opt good faith frameworks for deepening intimacy and empathy, and use them to gaslight women and keep them on the hook so that they can continue to extract whate…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 02:51 PM
8

Thank you, thank you for this recommendation! I never would have found this podcast on my own, but I’ve been listening all morning! I’m not a Christian, but the Jesus/Bible talk doesn’t even bother me because the message/substance is so on point. I can easily take what I need and leave the rest.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/21 04:22 PM
10

Periodontal disease 😨
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 12:36 PM
35

I’m a terrible flosser. Idk if it’s some kind of sensory thing or a fine motor deficit, but I’ve always hated it. BUT I invested in a Waterpik this year and it’s been a game changer. I use it every night and then I can get away with flossing once every week or two.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 12:34 PM
73

Relationships: Baggage Reclaim- Natalie Lue Therapist Uncensored- Sue Marriott/ Ann Kelley Spirituality: Tara Brach Feminism: Engendered- Teri Yuan Non-fiction/Infotainment (produced and/or hosted by women): Nice Try- Vox media/Avery Truffleman (her voice is amazing) Criminal- Phoebe Judge Fiction (produced by/ starring women) Passenger List
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 03:37 AM
17

“A needle in a dumpster,” is how I’ve started modifying the analogy. Because hay is too neutral. The men we have to dig through are gross and dangerous.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 01:27 PM
7

It makes perfect sense. I’m in a very similar place. I initiated a long-overdue breakup almost a year ago with a man whom I thought was “it” for me— the relationship lasted for three years and was my first serious, long-term relationship after my divorce. It really did feel like “my reward” for living through/getting out of my toxic, abusive marriage. That was the narrative I had in my head. And I had my head in the sand when it came to the new man. I explained away red flag after red flag, beca…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 03:51 AM
14

Oh god, “appropriate” clothing. I remember being a tween and going on class trips or youth group trips, and realizing that there were always like 10-15 dress code guidelines for girls and 3 for boys. Basically all of the rules for girls were centered around not revealing too much of our bodies— no shoulders, no thighs, no back, nothing too tight. I remember feeling resentful about all of these rules— I was a tall girl with long limbs and it was hard to find shorts that met the length requirement…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 12:29 PM
80

This is sad. OP is young, and it sounds like she’s been gaslighted by culture/patriarchy to believe that hooking up/ casual sex is something that healthy, self-actualized people do when they aren’t looking for a committed relationship. Because her foray into “casual” is not going well for her and is causing her pain, she assumes she is the problem. She thinks she needs to grow a thicker skin and not be so emotional, etc. It’s all so familiar 😭
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 11:30 AM
111

It’s true! There was a whole 99% Invisible episode about the song’s origin story. The Baja Men’s song was a cover of Anslem Douglas’s song Doggie, which is the one mentioned in the tweet. There’s also speculation about whether the hook can be traced to the Gillette and 20 Fingers song “You’re a Dog” which is def an FDS anthem 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/05/21 08:57 PM
17

Thank you for sharing your story— I relate so much. I divorced my abusive NVM when I was 32, with a 2 year old. It was a terrifying but exhilarating time in my life. I’d been with him since I was 17, and had never been on my own. I had no frame of reference for what a healthy relationship looked like, and definitely no concept of how to navigate life without being in a relationship. Even though I was sure I was making the right decision for myself and my daughter, being single was tough going at…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 02:41 PM
7

I’ve only lived with one man, my NV ex-husband. With us, it was about 90/10. We fought constantly about DOL and “standards” for cleanliness. Never, ever again. For all of my most recent ex boyfriend’s faults, he did keep a tidy home. He did his laundry consistently, cooked, didn’t leave dishes in the sink overnight, never let the garbage cans get full. He didn’t enjoy deep cleaning, yard work, or household repairs, so he hired people to take care of these things. This is how I manage my househol…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/21 12:44 PM
32

I was 14 when I was groomed by a 21 year old. He told me I was so mature for my age and I felt very sophisticated being in a secret ‘relationship’ with him. The ‘relationship’ was secret because 1) he had a long-term girlfriend and 2) people “just wouldn’t understand” with the age gap. We talked in secret for months before physical consummation. Afterwards, I told a close friend who knew the guy. I swore this friend to secrecy. But my friend promptly ratted him out to the adult leaders of the yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/21 05:04 AM
112

An insanely exorbitant guaranteed trust fun that the man doesn’t know about. If he knows about it you can bet he’ll find some way to manipulate her into handling that money so that he benefits and her safety net is diminished. I’ve seen this in and out of the context of marriage. Men are such gold diggers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 05:49 PM
16

Hoping she’d be too stupid to get a lawyer or hoping that she’ll be so ashamed of not being “independent” enough for him that she’ll think she has to “prove” herself in order for him to come back... by not asking him for a dime. From her post it seems like she’s still in shock, so she probably has some hope that he’ll change his mind. They’ve been together since they were literal children, so I’d imagine he has a pretty good idea of how she’ll feel/react in the aftermath of the bombshell, and is…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/21 02:43 PM
22

My dad passed away 8 years ago. My mom hasn’t remarried; didn’t even date until 3 years after his death. She’s in her early 60s and practically every man she’s dated has started pushing for marriage a couple months in. Thankfully she’s shut them all down, because it’s clear these men in her age cohort salivating for marriage are just seeking- in her words- “a nurse and a purse.” Men really can’t be alone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 02:32 PM
15

Because they’re addicted to them and have no desire to break free and live better. They want to keep doing what makes them feel good in the moment, consequences and other people be damned. Violent video games increase aggressive behavior. There’s a large body of research to support this. As with climate change, there’s not really a debate about this in the scientific community anymore. It’s just that there are a couple of very loud dissenting voices that get a disproportionate amount of airtime/…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/21 12:06 AM
27

Fucktoy Enjoying Bullshit? Or maybe in a couple of weeks he’ll start looking for a mar
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 06:49 PM
5

Same as far as not wanting to be sexual for a while afterwards. It felt very violating. It took forever and was excruciatingly painful the whole way through. The injection of the local anesthetic was supposed to be the most painful part, but that was just the beginning. I just remember lying there in too much pain to speak, trying to power through, but having no idea what was coming next or how long it was going to take. I would have liked to have been prepared, to have known what to expect on t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/01/21 04:20 PM
16

I was in no way prepared for the level of pain I experienced with colposcopy. It was traumatic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/01/21 03:58 AM
17

Thanks for this excellent and well researched post! Information like this is so important because as women we understand a lot of this intuitively (from looking at the world around us), but are frequently gaslighted into seeing marriage as “outdated” or “anti feminist”/ something we “shouldn’t” want, especially if we consider ourselves to be progressive/feminist. I know this was true for me. Of course some women genuinely have no interest in marriage, and that’s valid/understandable. But for the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 05:12 PM
26

You can’t know. You can’t ever know for sure what is in anyone’s heart, that’s where trust comes in. To me, the point of vetting and applying FDS principles is to do everything in our power to trust more selectively and more wisely. If/when I ever get involved with another man, I will watch him more closely and through an FDS lens; I will do everything within my power to ensure that he is HV/ has integrity. The operative phrase here being, “within my power.” One of the things that FDS has drille…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 04:45 PM
42

My list was an absolute lifesaver. I keep it as a note in my phone and 9 months out I still have to pull it up from time to time. It reminds me that the twinges of loneliness I feel from time to time these days are nothing compared to the misery of being in a relationship with a narc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 04:02 AM
30

Absolutely sickening. I’m so inspired by her resilience, though. A resilience which I’m sure is due in no small part to her strong support network. Friends and family are where it’s at, ladies. Those are the relationships really worth investing our time and effort in.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 03:51 AM
18

No that’s a Luddite :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 03:26 AM
3

Late in the game but 🙋🏻‍♀️ Found FDS back in March through miserably lurking in certain other dating subreddits, searching vainly for confirmation of my sneaking suspicion that I deserved better than being breadcrumbed and gaslit by the twice-divorced, narcissistic porn addict 12 years my senior, by whom I’d spent the last three years of my life trying to get picked. FDS confirmed everything I already knew deep down about him and my relationship with him. It gave me the language I needed to unde…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 06:48 PM
7

Omg this movie. I grew up watching musicals, and I realize now that most of the musicals I loved as a kid are absolutely rife with misogyny. But My Fair Lady takes the cake, hands down. I realized this when I re-watched it last year. Ironically, I watched it with my Higgins-esque nex (12 years my senior). I had a very uncomfortable revelation that this movie in particular had sort of imprinted on me as a young girl and that I was currently living out the consequences. I think it’s worth giving a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 05:36 PM
29

Was with a man 12 years my senior (I know 🤡) who was taking “blood pressure medication.” He’d never mentioned taking medication before, and when I saw a prescription bottle in his car’s console one day, I asked what it was. He told me it was blood pressure medication and seemed a little flustered and embarrassed. I later googled the generic name I saw on the label. It was Cialis.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/20 05:31 PM
29

Even syntactically, this man always puts himself first
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/20 07:44 PM
81

My nex did this all the time. His favorite subtle and plausibly deniable neg.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 01:04 PM
7

Oh god, your comment gave me flashbacks. Men who fancy themselves “intellectuals” but cannot hang in a debate are THE WORST. They claim to be the “rational” sex but so many of them can’t separate ideas from a person. When you poke holes in their arguments or question their lines of reasoning, you’re “attacking” them and they either explode with rage or shut down and sulk. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 02:48 PM
6

Yeah, “suck it up” is harsh and ineffective. A charitable interpretation of number 6 would be “cultivate resilience and emotional regulation.” In other words, do the inner work and seek/nurture healthy friendships with others (particularly other women) who are on a similar path. Invest in therapy. Commit to learning and growing from your mistakes, however haltingly. Have faith that heartbreak won’t break YOU. I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated reading through these comments. It’s refreshing to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/20 01:24 PM
10

Thanks for this. It’s absolutely spot on. I’m glad you got out and that you wound up here sharing your experience with us 💜
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 05:04 PM
9

The name “breaking dad” is a play off of the title of the show Breaking Bad. “Breaking Bad” is what Walter White does... after being a straight/square guy his whole life he “breaks bad” in midlife due to his existential crisis brought on by his cancer diagnosis, and enters the criminal life. So “breaking dad” basically means “becoming a dad” or entering a new life as a father. “Breaking mom,” on the other hand, just seems to be about moms breaking apart, going to pieces inside. Moms in the proce…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 02:23 PM
14

Related red flags on OLD profiles: 1) They write that they’re looking for “someone who can laugh at herself.” They will be negging you and then gaslighting you by trying to pass it off as it as humor/“sarcasm” 2) They answer the “we’ll get along if” prompt with “you don’t take yourself too seriously.” This is just a thinly veiled warning against having any standards or boundaries 3) They answer the “you should NOT go out with me if” prompt with “you are easily offended” or “you can’t take a joke…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 02:12 AM
21

With his little girl swimming in the backyard behind him. I can’t. 😶 Men who put pictures of their kids on their OLD profiles are an automatic left swipe; it’s so much worse when the kid just happens to be in the background of a creepy selfie he probably took for the express purpose of trawling for nsa sex. Sorry your dad’s a piece of shit, little girl 😔
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 01:24 PM
1

Haha, true!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/20 01:25 PM
46

Seconding the importance of specificity. After years together, my LV ex’s response to this question was that I was “beautiful inside and out” intelligent, and had good taste in music. 😐 Shockingly, he treated me like an appliance in his life that he promptly replaced when I required too much maintenance for his liking.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/09/20 01:19 PM
1

Thank you so much for this. It’s good advice and I really needed to read it tonight. I left my ex in April (I strongly suspected- but couldn’t prove- he was cheating), and he repeatedly contacted me in much the same way your ex contacted you. Wore me down after a couple of months and I let my guard down. Told him I was willing to try again. He promptly told me that he had gone on a “blind date” that had gone well, and he’d decided to “explore that” instead. I was gutted and told him not to conta…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/09/20 05:44 AM
1

This last paragraph is so spot on. I’m recently out of a relationship very similar to the one you described (minus the long distance aspect), and I really feel for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but glad we are both here now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 11:58 PM
42

This makes me so sad. I bet this boy’s dad/father figure openly insults his mom in front of him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/20 01:02 PM
20

Right. It’s progress that more parents don’t hit their kids anymore. But there’s a vacuum left in the average parent’s behavior management toolbox now that corporal punishment is no longer culturally acceptable. Many of us who are parents now were spanked (etc.) as kids, so we lack any first-hand experience with effective behavior management alternatives when our kids push us to the mfing breaking point (and lort they do). What I see a lot of parents do is just throw up their hands and stop tryi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/20 12:55 PM
9

BLOCK. Block, block, block. Seriously, go no contact. This is absolutely essential. You were with him for four years, and you got together when you were 18, before your frontal lobe had even finished developing. Your brain has literally wired itself around the context of this toxic relationship. 100% guarantee that he will try to suck you back in. He will expect you to come back because you’ve gone back to him when he’s done “worse.” He doesn’t respect you at all (thinks you’re a “child”), and i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/20 12:28 PM
2

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/20 11:28 AM
2

Wanting love and companionship isn’t a bad thing. It’s human. We just have to be mindful about letting “hoping and wanting” tip over into “craving and longing,” because that will drive our behavior in a detrimental way. Craving and longing leads to attachment to outcome and scarcity mindset. Which will eventually lead us to lower the standards we’ve worked so hard to develop and clarify. What OP is describing is a perspective shift in which love from a male companion gets right-sized... downgrad…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 02:08 PM
8

Me too! I’m 37, divorced, and a single mom. Before I found FDS I was in a long-term relationship with a narc who was 12 years older than me and intent on keeping me as a forever girlfriend... he’d take me on fabulous trips, send me flowers, and tell me I was the love of his life, but at the end of the day he was emotionally stunted and had no skin in the game. I lurked on the dating over 30 subreddit when my dissatisfaction with the relationship was growing, and came away feeling like I was “luc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 01:21 PM
2

Bravo! You absolutely did the right thing, getting out of there at the first sign of ambivalence. Your courage inspires me. I’ve always struggled with this... in the past I’ve gotten emotionally invested so quickly and deeply that I’ve waited until the house is falling down to bow out, when I should have left immediately after the first crack in the foundation showed up. I know it hurts like hell, but (as you know) the pain you’re feeling now would have only multiplied exponentially if you’d hav…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 12:48 PM
9

You don’t “need” to call them out and shame them in public. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (as long as you feel safe), but if that’s not you, that’s not you! When you encounter behavior like this dude’s, the main thing is to GTFO. And you did! I guarantee you your vanishing act delivered the boom just fine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 12:10 PM
2

I did my best. I would defend/validate and clarify her perspective to her dad both in private and when all of us were together. And I always bought her thoughtful gifts. :) I really tried to be a trustworthy ally to her without stepping on her mom’s toes by acting too much like a mom. I ended up leaving the dude but I was in this girl’s life for about two years. I still feel a little guilty for “bailing” on her, but I had to do what was best for me and my own daughter. I worry about her. Her mom…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 12:28 PM
7

Yes, exactly. There’s this cultural ideal that divorced parents should be warm and kind to each other and stay involved in each other’s lives “for the kids.” It’s unrealistic, frankly. Very few people actually have the emotional intelligence to live up to this ideal and will bungle the fuck out of it, which is more harmful to the kids than just having firm boundaries (I.e., being cordial and positive about the other parent- from a healthy distance). Boundaries are important to model for kids. In…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 11:50 AM
6

I definitely got this feeling too. My last ex had an adolescent daughter and a college-aged son. He so clearly favored his son... it was painful to observe. He’d always talk about how “sensitive” and “emotional” his daughter was, and how he never knew what to do with her. “Women are so mysterious,” etc. 🥴He’d body shame her, gang up with his son and tease her to the point of tears, and act baffled if I called him out on it. Plead ignorance. When Christmas came around, he’d have her write out a w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 04:48 AM
2

I. Love. This. 😍
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 09:23 PM
12

A man paying money for a “chance” that a woman “might” give him sex/affection is NOT “literally prostitution.” Unless I missed something and prostitutes now demand full payment in advance to “consider” having sex with the client. A member of tHe LoGiCaL sEx who can’t construct a logically sound three-sentence argument. Shocking. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 04:36 PM
8

To any of you ladies who are in good financial shape with significant assets and not currently married: Hire an attorney who specializes in estate planning to help you establish a revocable trust!!! This is one of the smartest things you can do for yourself (and your children, if you have them) financially. I did mine last year. It wasn’t cheap but the peace of mind is priceless.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 10:23 PM
55

An on-call girlfriend is right. I dated a single dad for 3 years; he basically had me on a visitation schedule. He neatly compartmentalized our relationship so that it wouldn’t contaminate his relationship with his kids or his ex-wives (yes, there were 2- he had one kid with each of them). Everything was on his terms; all the distance between us was “for the sake of his relationship with his kids.” I am a divorced single parent as well, so I bent over backwards to be patient and understanding, i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/08/20 10:54 PM
17

Right?! The way that commenter worded what might go through a new father’s mind made my skin crawl. It sounded more like they were describing the perspective of a two year old who just got a new baby sibling and doesn’t quite understand what’s going on 🤪
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/20 06:26 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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