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7

someatxdude/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 02:52 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
4

This isn't entirely true. The mediator's job IS to seek a deal instead of court, but in my case my ex and I each had attorneys and a day of mediation where the mediator was a 3rd attorney. And it worked out equitably (more than equally in fact) for me at the end of it. If OP and his soon-to-be-ex don't each have competent attorneys advocating for them with experience and knowledge of likely court-ordered outcomes if mediation fails... then what you said may be true
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 07:50 PM
10

She doesn’t want “your money” because from her perspective _it was already hers_. The mental gymnastics employed are typically medal-worthy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 07:14 PM
2

Oh the 2.5+h in the car is per weekday when I’ve got the kids and it’s mostly rush hour. So it’s 12-13h a week. So it’s a lot but this much only for an other month (and about 3 months total). I do my best not to bring work stress with me… stress is infectious!
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 06:06 PM
4

I/we spent $65,000 on forensic accountants to pore through 17 years of brokerage statements across 5 accounts to tally up shared property of every sale and dividend issuance (50% of gain post marriage). Literally about a thousand monthly statements. (17y x 12mo x 5 accounts) The final answer was within 2% of the back of envelope I offered before she said “prove it all because I don’t think you can” Turns out I could… it just cost her and me both $32K+ to come to the same answer. But it was worth…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 01:39 AM
7

The raw time obligation is tough BUT depending on age, the time in the car with kids past a certain age is the best bonding time. I am 50/50 with my ex, and I rented very nearby so both kids were on the bus route from both houses. I recently bought a better house in a better location but it isn’t zoned to my sons middle school (same high school tho) and he’s in 8th grade So every other week between school dropoff (wrong way commute) and pickup (same) and music practice etc it’s 2.5-3h in the car…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 01:35 AM
5

Internalize this OP. Get your head straight and get your ducks in a row to get ready to move on from your soon to be ex. After the divorce, focus on your kids (if you have any) and yourself and get your head right. Then when you are eventually ready you’ll find the above is true. Pretty women are NOT scarce for men who have their shit together. It’s good people (pretty or not) who are scarce and she’s shown you she’s not a good person. She will have zero trouble as a pretty woman finding a man b…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 11:43 AM
1

The main issue is that while the “not all women” sentiment is absolutely true… …the manipulation, cheating, and lying can and do show up later in relationships and cannot be reliably ruled out even if a woman seems and is great for years. She can (just as he can) change her mind, behavior, and personality at any later point. Add to that the financial and emotional stakes of a(nother) serious relationship unraveling… …and many of us men don’t see the risk of any serious long-term relationship gon…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 01:37 AM
1

And often a projection of her guilt and shame after having cheated.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 10:10 PM
3

Me too. At the end she was earning almost 2x what I was (by choice, corporate vs entrepreneurial paths at the time) and despite a tiny mortgage on a nearly paid for and us both making good money the income never seemed to translate into additional assets (which we had thanks to past mild entrepreneurial successes of mine) Then after the divorce I took a higher paying job and have higher expenses (solo renting a house etc) yet somehow with less income than our combined incomes before I’ve been st…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 03:06 AM
1

Yessir.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 12:46 PM
2

This year, two years after our divorce (prompted by her cheating), my ex-wife had the nerve to suggest we (she, I, two teens 50/50) do Christmas together. “For the kids” Me: “Fucking other people and destroying our marriage and family has lifelong negative consequences for all of us. Discussion over.” Accountability and consequences = kryptonite for most women. I say most but I haven’t dated one yet where that isn’t ultimately true and I try to screen for it…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 01:43 AM
0

She regrets the consequences Wake up and never communicate with that worthless woman again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 10:14 PM
2

Yes, divorce is contagious that way. Misery loves company and so on. After I’d learned of my ex wife’s infidelity from a vindictive (former) best friend of hers who told me, and made sure I knew the other women in that circle all knew it too… I deliberated for about 72h before telling the ex “you hung out with divorced women too much, and now you’re getting a divorce too” In OPs case she’s leveled up her earning so he should get out while he can get out on the cheap. Freedom in solitude beats th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/25 02:47 PM
6

She is probably projecting her shortcomings onto you to justify whatever she has done. Most women will do the most incredible mental gymnastics to avoid accountability. There is no such thing as relationship equity. Everything you have invested in her is a sunk cost of zero value compared to whatever it is she is feeling this instant. You can accept that or write women off entirely. I haven’t decided yet but I do know marriage is not worth the implications of the point above… …which are that the…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 12:10 AM
2

The sooner men learn that women have zero concept of “relationship equity” the better.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 12:52 AM
2

That’s right… In our case we both had lawyers and scheduled a mediation. My attorney was (is) an incredible one and had us do all sorts of disclosures and put together a proposal before the actual mediation. We were very prepared. The mediation itself was at my attorneys offices, with me in one conference room with my attorney and my ex-wife in another with her attorney. The mediator was a third attorney who went back and forth between the rooms delivering proposals and counter-proposals and dis…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 11:28 AM
1

If the inheritance is separate property in OPs jurisdiction then the equity spent on the house will remain his presuming a clean paper trail and no co-mingling of the inheritance money prior to the equity investment. I’d retired a mortgage on a house with pre-marital separate assets and got the money back in the divorce. Any equity gain in the property value while co-owned is a marital 50/50 asset though (again in my jurisdiction) The point is lawyer up and understand your rights and the law.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 02:55 AM
2

And the mediator usually IS a lawyer too (at least in my jurisdiction and situation) — one who can and will advice both parties about how a court/judge is likely to view your respective stances on things to help you settle and avoid a senseless court battle presuming you’re both rational actors. Mediation was a great thing for me.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 02:47 AM
2

These and The Value of Others by Orion Taraban ...but the Shawn Smith books are truly phenomenal especially Gatekeeper
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 06:16 PM
3

The Smith book is great, and his follow up Gatekeeper is even better
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 12:07 AM
1

We each had our own attorneys and mine provided a list of possible mediating attorneys and the ex’s attorney picked one as mutually agreeable… The mediation itself we completed in one day as we’d already shared a bunch of details and some initial proposals… it was a tense day of course but thankfully we settled everything and didn’t wind up in court.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 05:38 AM
6

“Collaborative divorce” is an interminable / boundaryless process that, if and when it fails, puts you right back where you started out a lot of time and money. My ex-wife suggested collaborative divorce and I shut that shit down immediately. She said “I thought we’d at least discuss it” to which I responded “I thought we’d have discussed fucking other people before doing it too. My days of caring about your opinions are over.” We wound up avoiding court through mediation, but NFW would I entert…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 07:59 PM
3

Forensic appraisal on the house. Value everything on a ledger. If your state allows it, owelty lien. Basically her paying you on a 2nd mortgage with a short balloon fuse you can foreclose on if she doesn’t pay. She’ll find a way to pay or sell the house. Which is not and should not be your problem.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 04:05 AM
1

You are the customer. Your lawyer is your vendor. It is your lawyer's job to DO what you WANT. If what you WANT is an divorce as soon as possible, PUSH your lawyer to DELIVER that. IF your lawyer cannot perform, FIRE your lawyer and hire another. What you will find is "the process" will move exactly as fast as either party pushes it. PUSH it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 02:11 AM
2

You say that now, but if you take time reflecting and building yourself back up? You might develop the courage and discernment to find a great woman.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 02:05 AM
5

Discover the hell out of that stuff. At a minimum, I'd think the credible threat of turning her into the Feds for tax fraud should strengthen your negotiating position. At worst, depending on how she filed, you may have a shared back tax liability lurking in there if the returns were inaccurate as well... and that you should absolutely take out of her hide.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 10:53 PM
1

Yes. i moved out as soon as we had a [lawyer drafted, judge signed] parenting plan in place. The actual divorce took another year to finalize but by then I’d had a year on my own to reflect and heal. But “parenting agreement” needs to be a court approved, lawyer drafted, signed document.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 11:21 PM
5

Silence
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 11:35 PM
1

Good lawyers absolutely understand pre vs post tax implications and will bring them into the negotiation when they benefit you! (And remain silent when they don’t) For example, trading appreciated home equity (taxable at sale beyond exemption) for Roth 401k assets (already taxed and not taxable at withdrawal)… OP needs a good lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 04:17 AM
2

Yes and she kept the house which meant refinancing it and paying me a large equity amount (house was bought ~75% cash and appreciated a ton meantime) Now she actually sees the silent subsidy (from me) she formerly had the benefit of (but clearly didn’t appreciate) in the form of a very, very large mortgage payment she must make each month. Maybe she should have considered the big picture before thinking she was the big baller and it was time to cheat because “she could do better” or some nonsens…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 07:26 PM
5

Same here — a former best friend of hers ratted her out to me. She’d been telling a group of her friends for years that she was cheating but wouldn’t leave me because I was suicidal (another lie). It took me about 48 hours to start interviewing lawyers. Women like this aren’t capable of healthy relationships and thinking there’s any healthy path forward with them is pure delusion. Lawyer up, hit the gym, and start planning the next chapter of your life. The only way out is through and life is so…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 01:43 PM
3

I can relate. My ex earned almost 2x what I did by the time of our divorce because my career has involved early stage company building — which pays off in larger periodic chunks not high current salary. So she took half the assets I’d accumulated and all of her higher future income in the divorce. Where of course I’d been directly responsible for 85% of the asset accumulation while paying basically all the bills. Yet somehow I have more cash flow on my own at about the same standard of living. S…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 02:53 AM
5

This is wrong. Texas is NOT in fact a no-fault state. It is possible to have an uncontested “no-fault” divorce or a fault divorce in the instance of cheating (and other circumstances). My situation was very similar to OP’s and just hiring a pitbull reputation lawyer and preying on her fear of discovery and dragging all her misdeeds into the light … allowed me to negotiate a better than 50/50 asset division in a mediated settlement. OP, hire a badass lawyer and don’t look back.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 05:43 AM
4

She is communicating. You need to wake up.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 09:52 PM
1

Unless the kids caught one of the parents inflegrante delicto, or the "kids" aren't kids any more but grown adults who've deduced or been told a truth they can handle... ...they have no business knowing about the cheating. I despise what my ex-wife did, but it's not knowledge my kids can or should have to handle. I figure they'll either figure it out or ask some day when they're old enough to handle the painful truth. Until then it's most productive to keep quiet and treat her with at least indi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 11:53 PM
5

People in hell want ice water. My cheating ex had delusions of “maybe we still do family dinner once in a while” To which I responded “This isn’t a family any more. You chose to destroy that. This is now two families. Your actions have consequences.” The kids are resilient and will be fine. Mine have been far more resilient than I’d have anticipated.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 03:05 AM
1

The last part is a terrible idea why cut off your nose to spite your face? Cashing the 401k would penalize OP too.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 02:10 AM
2

The only thing that can make you look bad in court is evidence or an admission of guilt. Give her neither. The rest is just yadda yadda yadda from her that makes her look unhinged.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 03:05 AM
2

If the marital assets are large enough that you can trade your share of something else for her equity value (whether you trade cash, securities, retirement accounts, or something else) — it’s probably doable. Without refinancing you will have to assume the loan which may or may not be possible. You should contact the mortgage holder to find this out quickly. If you don’t have sufficient assets on your side of the ledger it’s probably not doable. It will require an appraisal from a mutually agree…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 03:21 AM
3

“People in hell want ice water” What you should counter with is what your attorney advises you protects your rights and future financial interests, and is reasonable within likely outcomes if you go to court. What she wants is fucking irrelevant.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 11:24 PM
18

When my ex said, when pressed, “I don’t know what I want” here’s what it meant: It meant: I want the safety and security you provide me. I want the parenting you provide our children. I do not want to have sex with you. I do not want the fear and uncertainty of being alone. It meant “I don’t know what I want but I don’t want you, I just want what I get from you, and I’ll keep you around until I can find what I want from someone else.” Turns out she’d already had at least one long affair going on…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:50 AM
1

You’ll be a better man once you get back in touch with who you were and want (or wanted) to be. One thing I learned about myself post divorce is that I’d forgotten what a great man I was and would be again (and be better)!
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 09:42 PM
3

Paying down debt incurred by you before the marriage is one way to achieve this. I know because I wound up on the wrong side of this, having paid off my wife’s graduate school loans. It was so long ago it didn’t matter and I’m not bitter about it, but if you have student or other debts in your name from before the marriage, aggressively paying them off is one answer. Just don’t do it with malice aforethought that’s obvious (e.g. retire a large debt in one transaction the day before filing for di…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 06:43 PM
1

It is how judges in Texas think and how the law here works. OP needs to lawyer up and set himself and his wife straight.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 10:22 AM
2

Me ex-wife behaved this way even though by the end of our marriage her income was 2x mine. I paid for virtually everything out of my smaller salary but somehow we weren’t saving much beyond retirement account contributions. And though I earned a lower salary I stockpiled assets from successful more entrepreneurial ventures (lumpy large stock or option paydays) and so built us a nice net worth. So at divorce time she took half the assets which were all of my creation, and kept her higher income. …
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 10:51 PM
2

There is also a phenomenon where less attractive women get more compliments from more attractive women because the more attractive women do not see them as a threat. They take these compliments at face value and lose their objectivity.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 10:40 PM
3

See my reply to the main post but in my jurisdiction this is called an owelty lien and was part of our decree / asset partition agreement and signed as part of the divorce. Negotiating that now could be tricky but if OPs jurisdiction has a similar construct could be worthwhile especially if there are children involved / living in the house?
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 07:43 PM
7

If she wants to refi to buy you out that should have been a stipulation of the decree. Now that the decree is signed she’s got no leverage. In my case we put in place an “Owelty Lien” which was basically debt on the home with me as the creditor for my equity share (determined by an appraisal we settled on as part the mediation process), payable interest-only in cash from her to me until she either refinanced (and paid off the lien) or sold the house (and paid off the lien). Failure to do either …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 07:39 PM
1

Retainers are held in trust accounts controlled by the attorney for your benefit. It’s a deposit to ensure they get paid. If it runs low they will ask you deposit more. When the work is done they will refund you the unspent balance in the trust account. As long as the billing is fair and accurate and they are doing a good job representing you those are the important things . Funny business with a retainer/trust account is, I’m pretty certain, a disbarment level ethical no no.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 03:32 AM
1

Ask your lawyer. No lawyer? Lawyer up. That said, debts incurred during marriage are by default 50/50 responsibilities (as are assets acquired and asset appreciation during marriage), barring material debts incurred by and for the benefit of one party after the divorce filing… And until you have a signed decree or mediation agreement in-hand, your agreements aren’t worth the paper they aren’t yet written on. In summary, get a lawyer, understand and exercise your rights.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 12:27 AM
1

If lifting is new to you and it’s in the budget, hire a trainer. The biggest impact lifts are the big compound lifts — deadlift, back squats, bench press, … and they’re also the most likely to cause injury if done improperly. I hired a coach (lifting, nutrition, …) and it has been an incredible investment… including helping me stretch, rehab, and work around a shoulder that probably has permanent rotator cuff damage. In my case I’d already dropped 30+lbs with a few years of dedicated running bef…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 11:50 AM
1

In my market there are [very few] appraisers who specialize in "forensic appraisals" -- those for situations like this where there isn't an imminent mortgage financing, but determining a value for fair asset splits. Getting one of these appraisals is VERY straightforward and simple. In my case, we got that appraisal, and I unsurprisingly found it to be low, brought some data and analysis of my own the the appraiser (as did my ex), and he revised his opinion and that was that. A mediator or judge…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 03:21 PM
9

I remembered I was a Div I NCAA athlete at some point, and realized that my ex didn't share my previous devotion to fitness. From 2021 to 2022 I dropped 30lb to 22% bodyfat and was in good aerobic shape after committing to put in 25-30mi a week running (100mi a month). In mid-2022 I learned she had been cheating on me since at least 2017. Filed for divorce immediately and it took a year to finalize. In mid-2023 hired a fitness coach and added weightlifting to my regimen. Now 43 months into my 10…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 09:58 AM
7

Why are you trying to avoid hiring your own attorney? Because you think it's expensive? Guess how expensive playing the nice guy and making tons of unilateral concessions in ignorance of the law to a counterparty who has an attorney with intimate knowledge of the law is going to be. Get an attorney, dummy. I don't know how to say it any more plainly.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 09:30 AM
1

Agreed. Know that you have to project manage the process also. When i didn’t call to check in nothing advanced and that is totally understandable. Attorneys do not know what is going on behind the scenes and whether some doc request or proposed document might set off a firestorm because of other stuff happening in a volatile set of conversations they can’t be privy to. So if you know divorce is the destination and there’s no turning back just drive it to conclusion. It MAY not save you money but…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 06:00 AM
5

I put the work into myself anyway for four years and then learned from a disgruntled ex-friend of hers that she was cheating the whole time and more. Flying start regardless. Just put in the work first and think about next steps next. (I put energy into fixing issues the whole way and learned ex-post they were unfixable and while that hurt, I was ready)
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 05:25 AM
6

IT didn’t make you feel like shit YOU made the choice to feel like shit. The power to affect your emotions is yours to give or not give. Don’t give her that power.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 04:56 AM
6

“I was going to take this opportunity to piss on you” … “But then realized you were on fire Happy Mothers’ Day!”
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 02:29 AM
5

Mostly agreed except for #7 insofar as I’d wait until after you’ve been living apart on your own, the divorce is final and you’re into some sort of normal custody groove with kids BEFORE firing up the dating apps. After the bomb dropped on me, I interviewed attorneys within 2 weeks, filed for divorce within 6 weeks, and was fully moved out and 50/50 kid parenting within 12 weeks. Things were final about a year later (not acrimonious just tedious). During that 15 months I got my head on straight……
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 09:02 PM
4

Walking in nature. Meditation. Spend time with friends and family. Learn a new skill/hobby! Are you sure more gym would be excessive? If you aren’t over stressing muscles, joints, connective tissue lifting too heavy and have time you should be able to ramp to 4x a week and do legs/push/legs/pull type rotation and drive amazing results way faster. Just eat more (protein) while maintaining the same calorie deficit. But most importantly if you truly feel depressed see a mental health professional a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/24 02:22 PM
4

Terrible way to think. Get through it dust yourself off, reconnect with who you were, grieve, heal, and you will absolutely find somebody again. Somebody better. But go through the necessary steps or you’ll wind up blind to the trash!
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:44 AM
1

I focused the time on understanding the mechanical process, the attorneys’ approaches to / preferences for mediation vs litigation, and resolving a few looming points of anxiety for me. Would I be able to maintain 50/50 custody (our stated mutual goal) if she lost her mind and went nuclear? Would either of us likely have a child support obligation? How soon can or should I move out of the house to my own place? What would likely happen with assets X Y Z that I owned before the marriage? Have a s…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 11:43 AM
4

My divorce was finalized Sep-23 at which point I’d already been moved out on my own and 50/50 parenting the kids for just over a year. I too occasionally feel sadness at the dissolution of our family, anger and contempt for her and her actions that were the final hammer blow, and regret for not having discovered them and not having ended the marriage sooner. The difficult part for me is the random waves of contempt that briefly pop up every few weeks. I don’t miss her or want her back. I want he…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 01:22 PM
6

1.5 years into 50/50 parenting a teen boy and girl, I’ve realized: 1/ the retreat into headphones land isn’t about you. It’s just par for the course teenager behavior. They’re separating into their own lives and that’s generally healthy. 2/ taking the initiative works. Just propose activities or proactively plan things you know they like. My son was happily holed up in his room a couple weekends ago (daughter with mom) and i just announced we were going to go play Big Buck Hunter for a while. He…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:43 PM
2

Discuss this with 3 or 4 lawyers and consider the consultation fee an investment in triangulating to the truth. If you want specific recommendations in Austin DM me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 08:18 AM
1

It is an omission (as would be embedded capital gains tax liability on an appreciated property) — and of course both of those are negotiable. But if her lawyer doesn’t catch it you keep your mouth shut and silently hand her the L.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 10:06 PM
3

Real life isn’t Swingers any more (if it ever was). If you have interest, follow up quickly and ask her out again. Within a day or so. Propose a definite time and place for a second date and have a plan. Her response will unmix the signals quickly. She’ll either decline, soft-decline, reschedule or accept. Anything other than enthusiastic acceptance or a counterproposal for an alternate time is a no. By delaying follow-up you not only cast yourself as indecisive and/or weak, you open the door fo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 08:51 PM
2

For me it was a realization that the last thing I needed when dealing with short-term depression was taking depressant drugs (alcohol). From a purely practical standpoint, alcohol may have dangerous interactions with the medications you’re taking. That alone might keep you on the straight and narrow. Chin up you got this.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 09:38 PM
7

You cut the anchor loose and it sank to where it belongs. So why should that impact your confidence? Raise the sails and move on!
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 12:24 AM
2

I spent $1000-1500 on each of 3 lawyers for first hour consult so your mileage may vary. These were the best attorneys in a top 25 or so metro. And worth every penny. If you have meaningful assets lawyer fees are not a place to economize. If it’s early on, not many assets, or not too complicated no need for top $ lawyers though.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 11:44 PM
9

I think I paid $800-1,000 for each of the initial consultations I did. They were top attorneys in my city, I got 3 different perspectives on some key questions I had, and conflicted them from dealing with my wife. It was worth every penny.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 09:49 PM
1

It’s biologically possible but I wouldn’t myself. And there were good years in the marriage beyond kids too. (The “many experiences with my ex-wife were amazing” part) Still I wish I’d picked better.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 01:19 AM
12

I’ve been married and have kids and am divorced. Was it all worth it? Yes definitely. My kids are amazing. Many of the experiences I had with my ex-wife were amazing. I have no idea how my life would have turned out permanently single. I’d guess worse. But the pain of marriage and divorce was worth it, on balance, for me. You cannot be sure when marrying that your decision is 100% correct (mine was not). But if you do the best job you can of mutually selecting each other (we did), the upside is …
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:09 AM
3

Kids’ therapist’s advice is just that. Advice you are free to take or leave. The first meeting with our kids’ therapist, the therapist started asking if we’d considered “nesting” (hard no) or having family time post divorce (hard no). I told her “if you say one more word attempting to influence my relationship with my soon to be ex wife instead of focusing on my kids. One word. And I am out of this room and you are fired.” That focused the conversation right up. Not before my wife said “i though…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 06:12 AM
1

Yes the mantra id repeat to myself when the going was tough was “the only way out is through”
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 05:34 AM
4

Kiss This by the Struts when im pushing iron … Getting back from these no second chances Another phone call ignored You are back for me But I'm gone for good I… Did all I could So kiss this one more time, 'cause I'm gone for good You… Misunderstood So kiss this one last time And I'm gone for good …
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 07:40 AM
2

my discretionary income has actually gone up; because I downsized my life. And that includes new expenses. I experienced the same thing. Much lower household income (she earned more than I did at the time of divorce) yet somehow more discretionary income! ​ Who cares if I would have had more money! It wasn't being spent on me on anyway. This is the bottom line. "Cheaper to keep her" is totally a myth. It's like hanging onto the rope under a hot air balloon as it rises. You're afraid to let go be…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 08:16 PM
1

That makes sense then. My divorce took a year from filing, but we put in place temporary custody agreement (which became permanent later) early in the process. Are you in the divorce process now? Not sure how you'll change your wife's desire to unilaterally negotiate everything without having the one big final negotiation, AKA divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 07:47 PM
2

By the time I got to a situation you describe with my wife, we'd been married over 10 years, had two children. It eventually came out that she'd had multiple affairs (one lengthy) five years prior. She probably had more since but I didn't care I was filing regardless. It's probably time for you to either full court press on couples therapy and dig deep to understand and try to fix the issues, or start preparing to hit the eject button (which she may already be doing). Hanging around the rim and …
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 03:11 PM
4

Custody arrangements are typically negotiated in mediation and/or divorce court. Presuming you're divorced, why is it an ex-post negotiation? My ex and I make trades to accommodate each other around the edges, but the big holidays and ongoing weekly schedules are set through 2024.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 03:01 PM
5

How I approached that is to rank people in this world: Family Close Friends Acquaintances Strangers Hostile crazy crack addict with a knife Ex-wife She’s below people I haven’t even met yet or strangers who are openly hostile. Why? Because none of those other people has betrayed my trust yet, much less violated a sworn oath to me. Think very carefully before you interact with her beyond either matters concerning the children or execution of matters to satisfy the divorce decree and property sett…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 08:20 PM
10

Because I didn’t realize she’d ultimately hold me responsible for her own happiness, driven by the void beneath her ego, a bottomless hole that can ever be filled. I won’t ever take on that responsibility again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 01:52 AM
1

When she unilaterally decides to see a therapist solo in secret to “figure out what she wants” in the absence of her spouse, and is the source of the (marital) cash flowing to the therapist? Who knows what the hell her ego is being fed in the name of therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/23 12:44 PM
19

After my wife came clean about a long-lived affair years since passed, several days later she asked whether I had questions, wanted clarity, or wanted assurance there were no others. No. I don’t need details. That you did it is sufficient. Whether you did it again? You probably did, i won’t trust you if you say you didn’t, and it doesn’t affect what’s happening next anyway, so i don’t give a shit. Save it for your therapist and the divorce attorney you’re about to hire. It’ll come out in discove…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 03:35 AM
2

Meet with several. The session is mainly for you to give background on your case and ask any questions you have about the attorney or the process. Ask about both. Come prepared with specific questions and you can both learn something and relieve some anxiety about the unknowns. Make sure the attorney has trial experience but isn’t hellbent in going to court (my attorney does mediation with every case with high success rates avoiding court including in my case). Also ask about referrals to other …
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/23 04:38 AM
5

So true. My cheating ex tried to portray victim status even at the mediation. My attorney sniffed it out and told the mediator we both know this is BS what she needs is a few hours for you and her attorney to explain to her that her actions have consequences either here in mediation or in an ugly discovery and trial she does not want. Turns out we learned she hadn’t even told her own attorney that her cheating precipitated the divorce filing. Beyond self absorbed and into delusional. Forget em, …
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 09:41 PM
4

We went the 50/50 route as busy professionals and it is a tough but good solution for us. It sends an important signal to the kids that we love them equally (which we do). Heads up, it’s a bit of a roller coaster going from full time dad to single guy every other week. Emotionally, work-wise, everything it’s like a major gear change every seven days. Worth it to me though.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 12:23 PM
1

This type of education isn’t free. I’d advise you to consult with and pay a good attorney now, or you’ll be paying a lot more in many different ways later.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 12:15 PM
2

The 2 on 3 off weirdness is really intended for VERY young children who experience separation anxiety more quickly and severely. It makes sense in those cases but by 7 and 11 alternating almost certainly will work better…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 12:14 PM
5

“The only way out is through”
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 04:18 AM
2

No no sarcasm! My point is you have to somehow decide what “half the equity” is, so you can determine what she will pay you after the refinancing. That will require a third-party appraisal which my attorney referred to as a “forensic appraisal” as it isn’t being done to support an agreed price between a buyer and seller as part of a sale transaction like most appraisals are. Many appraisers won’t touch these situations as they can be contentious. It would be in her interest to say it’s worth $0.…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 10:46 PM
2

Again you want zero future entanglements with this woman. When you say half it will be “half of what?” which will require a forensic appraisal. If push comes to shove your discount the value of the appraisal by mortgage AND anticipated realtor commissions and split the remainder. But what number gets split and whether it’s gross or net is just all negotiation. I’d encourage you to negotiate hard but with an eye toward “when this deal is done we have as few future entanglements and obligations to…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 07:52 PM
6

I interviewed three top notch attorneys and they were $750-$1000 each. It wasn’t cheap but no great education is. I got three different perspectives and could see what was basics / commodity vs differentiated approach and style and make the best decision for my situation. It also greatly reduced my anxiety about some of the largest unknowns to hear “oh that won’t be a concern because [law]” three times and realize it was unfounded concern. Anything you can do to reduce uncertainty in this time w…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 09:04 PM
5

If you know the affair partner's full name, run a sex offender database check on him if you can. Can't be too careful.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 11:25 PM
2

Ugh. My ex-wife earns a good living (a higher salary than me, but I tend to make far more than the difference on equity) Yet somehow, despite the fact that I paid all the bills for everything (mortgage, property ins, property taxes, car ins, all utilities, and on and on...), she never managed to save anything (*net of 401k contributions, but she made FAR too much not to save more)! I looked through months of credit card and bank statements in the disclosures, and there was no funny business or m…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 11:15 PM
2

Indeed. I can see now with hindsight that my ex-wife’s constant spending on luxury consignment goods in the years before our divorce was just an endless dopamine chase. She was desperately trying to fill a bottomless empty hole inside herself and feed an eternally starved ego. I leaned long ago to let my ego die. That way lies peace. Anyway, at least her shopping habits didn’t cause us financial stress too…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 09:18 PM
4

Precisely. That's the point that stuck with me most from Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning: “For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning I r…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 02:58 PM
2

Amen to this. It took me 6 months or so to realize: “i didn’t have a terrible marriage because I did [bad habit], I did [bad habit] because I had a terrible marriage!” I drink less (never a problem drinker but now I feel no need). I stopped zoning out playing video games. I tripled down on exercise. Had been a Div I athlete but you’d never have known it. Because in a loveless sexless but loyal marriage to a woman letting herself go, what’s the upside? Don’t live in the past and lament the failed…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 02:22 AM
1

A poorly chosen friend in whom she confided was the source. The most obvious sign was that we had a dead bedroom for a very long time. When I put in honest effort to correct it several times she rejected me (using various irrelevant excuses at the time). When it was typical sexy time after a night out with friends she’d pick a fight when we got home and complain about “unhappiness” and recite a laundry list of things I’d done, apologized for, and corrected long since. The thing I see clearly now…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 03:53 PM
3

I would think very carefully before leaving your capital tied up in an asset controlled by your ex-wife. Think about how it’d feel to be unable to borrow what you want for the home you want, because you’re indirectly subsidizing your wife and her new husband’s home that used to be yours. If refinancing at todays rates to buy you out would keep her from being able to keep the home, that isn’t and shouldn’t be your problem. The last thing I wanted was any entanglements with my ex-wife beyond our c…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 03:44 PM
1

learned from a 3rd party about repeated infidelity i'd somehow been oblivious to. that's a big bright line for me. I thought about it for 48 hours then did consults with the top 5 divorce attorneys in town to conflict them out, and served her within a week or two. she was going to tell me at some point. the therapist she was seeing on the sly told her she should, she was just waiting for the right moment. yeah, right.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 12:02 AM
3

In Texas (and maybe elsewhere), as part of a settlement you can get what's called an "Owelty Lien" on the property. Basically you are a second/junior mortgage holder with a lien on the property and it's like any other loan. In my case the lien had just over 6% interest that accrued (no monthly payment to me) with about a 6 month fuse to maturity, and there's a trustee involved. This means if she doesn't re-finance (or sell) the house and retire the owelty lien at maturity, the trustee can force …
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 11:58 PM
2

Lots of advice here not to contact her which is generally sound. One possible consideration is: if you have minor children together it would be courteous to let her know as it affects them too and she should be aware and empathetic to their loss. Barring that, I’d go the no contact route. She’s not your wife and your parents aren’t her family any more. And telling her hoping to elicit some response is just giving her control over your emotions especially if she doesn’t react the way you’re hopin…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 02:10 AM
1

I can’t relate as I was in the middle of a divorce that just reached resolution this week (took ~1 year).. …yet was best man for my best friend in his wedding six or so months ago I had no problem separating the issues I was dealing with from the adventure they were embarking upon. I’ve got conviction and hope that it’ll work out for them and in ways it didn’t for me (after 15+ years!) Look for evidence of real connection of potential. I’m n his case its there. The divorce rate is 50+% but it is…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 01:38 AM
3

A leech’s connection it it’s new host is not very deep, but it forms very fast.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 12:48 AM
2

The author has a website, Dad Starting Over (https://dadstartingover.com/) And has published a fair number of podcasts (both solo as DSO and co-hosted on “dads dating after divorce” podcast I have not read dead bedroom fix but ran across DSO recently after having ingested a lot of viewpoints on women from “the manosphere” I find DSO to have a pragmatic, realistic spin on things vs some of the more vehement Women Haters Club stuff out there.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 12:41 AM
5

If she’s an adulteress, an honest conversation is impossible. Gathering information before igniting a powder keg is the right course of action.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 12:32 AM
1

Yep. Took a disgruntled vindictive former friend of my wife’s tipping me off that she had been having an affair (affairs?) for years Of course she’d been blaming any and all marital issues on me for years, to protect her fragile ego and avoid accountability. And of course she’d been seeing a therapist unbeknownst to me until the revelations. And of course the therapist had been telling her she needed to come clean about the affairs. Which she swore she was going to do. Of course she was. Lol.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 03:30 AM
1

Yikes. Sorry it was such a painful process for you. In our case it has been civil if not amicable. It still took a year because of the logistics of tracking and tracing separate property assets with a forensic accountant. I'm unsurprised that after a 4 year war, the armistice was anti-climactic.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:25 PM
1

I've been quite healthy through it all thankfully. I avoided alcohol for 6-8 months until I felt it wouldn't cause harm being a general depressant, but can have a few now with no issues. I'd already dropped 20lb a couple years earlier, and took up weightlifting and have dropped my BF% from 21% to 15% in the past 4-5 months. Health has been on the agenda, big time. In fact, I think insecurity and "dread" at seeing me shape up a few years ago is part of what led her to start pushing me away harder…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:22 PM
3

At some point I bared my soul to my ex-wife in a tough late-night post-too-many-drinks conversation about how I was in a dark place mentally. She never mentioned it after so I figured she was too drunk to remember? No, a vindictive former best friend of hers told me a few years later she'd told their circle of friends I was suicidal?! So not only did she remember, and not only did she show no concern or compassion... she betrayed my trust in the worst way (worst short of infidelity or murder I s…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:17 PM
1

We share the kids and both earn plenty so it hasn't been a big financial strain fortunately. The interesting part is that even though I earn about half what she does in current income (lumpier startup equity gains on my part)... and even though I pay 6x in rent what the tiny stub mortgage was on the house we owned together... I still have more discretionary income each month?! Funny how that works. She sure knows how to spend.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:12 PM
1

Just booked myself one about six weeks out today. Great idea.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:09 PM
1

Thanks for the thoughts. I took the day off work and went for a long run to relax and clear my head. By day's end I was feeling good. Today I'm feeling pretty amazing. The entire process has been ups and downs, though fortunately trending positively, with higher highs and higher lows. The future is bright.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 06:09 PM
1

Look out for number one. When you divorced her, you also divorced her family. That’s how I see it. My ex-sister-in-law who is a very nice lady with a sweet daughter expressed a desire to stay in touch / on good terms after my divorce from her sister since my wife and my kids are cousins with her daughter etc. I say NFW. Only reason they were in my life is because of her, and blood is thicker than water. Remember that and cut those leeches loose.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/23 12:23 AM
1

I make some soups and a shrimp chowder in the Instant Pot that are killer… usually 5-6 servings worth. Make it when the kids are here and still keep in fridge for dinner several nights after they’re gone. Same with smoking meats. A smoked pork tenderloin is pretty easy and amazingly delicious. Easily 6-8 servings. Make it the last day kids are here one week, then have it for a few days after myself…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 04:54 AM
3

Her unwillingness to show any compassion is a screaming red flag that says you’re better off without her. Of course it’d be impossible for her (or me) to truly understand and empathize with what you’re experiencing — but sympathy and compassion are what you should expect from an invested life partner. Best of success to you in healing and moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 03:37 AM
8

I’ve been there, except she not only didn’t express any concern or empathy or sympathy or suggest I get help… …she used it as evidence to her little sewing circle that she couldn’t leave me despite wanting to because “I was suicidal” (no) I had not yet learned at the time that she’d been cheating for years, which is neither here nor there. The deeper lesson here is that your deepest fears, insecurities, doubts, anxieties, depressions… are never to be shared with your woman. They are hard wired t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 09:25 PM
1

Ignoring Houston and thinking Texas, I'd recommend speaking to Shelly Troberman and Becky Beaver, both in Austin. Different styles, but both very much impressed me when I did a consultation with them. Houston is less irrelevant in the age of Zoom etc. (relationships and histories with Houston / Harris county judges aside), and most of your communication will be email and phone anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/22 06:10 AM
1

Sign nothing. Consult with a few attorneys immediately. For $1,000 apiece or so (for good ones), you will learn much about your rights. From what you've written, she's WAY out of line in Texas, and should get nowhere with those demands.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/22 05:32 AM
1

One thing I've realized in the course of my journey and shared with others as a cautionary tale: Your wife always has plans for the future. If you don't know what the plan is, you aren't in it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/22 11:27 PM
1

Mine is a near mirror image of your situation. Married 18 years, generally compatible but sexual side left 12+ years ago. Really because I’m just not very sexually driven. I learned from a vindictive ex-friend of hers she’s been cheating for years, and she pretty quickly admitted to a 6 month affair about 5 years ago. So as the person on the other end of what you did, you in fact are the bad guy (no “air quotes”) and while you may feel shattered, you’re the one who swung the sledgehammer. Hopefu…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 10:59 AM
1

They may not be legally obligated to keep them 7 years but you don’t know until you ask (and be sure to mention you need the statements to support a separate property claim in a divorce proceeding). I’m going through divorce right now and was surprisingly able to get monthly statements from both UBS and Morgan Stanley going back to 2004. Because (in Texas) any capital gains or income earned on those assets are community property, I’ve had to hire a forensic accounting firm to trace every transac…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 10:45 AM
3

All true but "Rome wasn't built in a day" You won't develop zombie apocalypse team member level trust with anyone immediately. But all deep relationships start with some shared interest. I also hear you that trust in people is difficult to build. It's certainly easy to destroy. My point is you have to start somewhere. And you don't have to enter with expectations of zombie apocalypse level trust, either. You don't even have to build toward that with anyone until you're ready. But you SHOULD dig …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/22 05:22 PM
1

Do you have the option to make any of your activities double-duty? For instance, is there a running group or gym/training class near you that meets at a time you can somewhat regularly attend? Shared common interest activities are the best way to make new friends. I started attending a walking group in my city (I'm a runner) which has people of similar interests and am already making some good inroads after a few weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/22 02:56 AM
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