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somebodytosomeone Archive

View 5 posts and 113 comments by somebodytosomeone on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

This is one of the shittiest responses I’ve seen on this sub. Way to kick someone when they’re down, you miserable jerk.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/19 01:35 AM
3

I’m not sure I’d call her “brave.”
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/19 07:04 PM
1

Oh you mean like every other kid in the world?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/19 05:20 PM
1

Maybe it’s because he hurt his arm riding a bike and she knows kids often get hurt and it’s not life threatening. Every mom I know has dealt with these relatively minor injuries in different ways. Some get very businesslike and just want to get it fixed. Some try to stay upbeat so as not to scare the kids. Some even have gotten irritated that the kid is hurt yet again (and no, I’m not saying that’s okay but it’s their feelings). Munchhausen’s by proxy is a very severe disorder and a huge allegat…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/19 01:52 PM
4

Are you sure you’re not just misreading it?
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/19 08:42 PM
4

This is patently false and the worst advice ever. You will NEVER find your happiness in another person. Never. Happiness comes from within, we are responsible for our own happiness, and to suggest it comes from another person is codependent and bound to fail. A loving relationship should ADD to your happiness, not be the reason for it. IMO, you sound fundamentally unhappy with yourself and your life, therefore it would make sense for you to work on that instead of searching for another person to…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/19 01:34 PM
1

Exactly. In the beginning, right after leaving, it might be a need to process guilt. After four years, it’s something else. Most likely regret and an inability to face the choices he made that can’t be undone.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/19 01:57 PM
1

I think when you leave for another person it’s not a natural ending and there’s always unfinished business.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/19 02:25 AM
1

It’s kind of advice about divorce because I have a suspicion if she wanted him back he would consider it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/19 01:32 AM
2

Yes, he left her for me, but he lived apart from her while we were long distance for the first 10 months. It’s not like he went straight from living with her to living with me. And that was four years ago. I mean, he left her. And he’s still four years later keeping his profile pictures from when he was with her because he doesn’t want her to be hurt by seeing pictures of his new life without her. Again, it’s been four years. Why is he still so concerned with this?
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/19 01:13 AM
2

Well I’m pretty sure my bf would consider taking his exw back. He’s the one who left her. We’ve been together 4 years, lived together for 3, and he still won’t change his social media pictures to ones of us or even a more recent one of just him because he’s afraid it’ll hurt her. Even though they have no contact. Like why the fuck would he think she’d be looking (it’s been 4 years and they’re not connected on any social media) and why the fuck does he care so much about hurting her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/19 10:39 PM
3

I should clarify, I’m talking about the wife being left and telling the husband who left she wants him back. Is it seen as pathetic? Does it make the man even less attracted to her? Does it make him rethink?
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/19 07:56 PM
4

You’re saving him from a narcissist wife? Funny, because I pegged you for a narcissist from your first post. What other kind of person sweeps in and tries to take over the divorce process and has plans to move right into the house and get full custody of the kids. And he’s so broken and brainwashed, he needs you to save him. Yeah, that doesn’t sound the least bit disordered. 🙄 Not to mention. EVERY man who has an affair tells his affair partner that his wife is a controlling, narcissist monster.…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/19 10:24 PM
3

You are determined to take away another woman’s kids and her house. Wow. You’re delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/19 09:38 PM
1

No, he definitely knows it’s not done and he’s definitely done things to make it harder to get it done. She tried contacting him about it. He stopped using the email address she has for him and changed his phone number and didn’t give her the new number. His social media profile pictures are all from when he was with her. And he’s changed them recently to pics from their life. He left 3.5 years ago. Why leave and obviously still be attached to the life he has with her but shut off communication …
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 09:38 PM
1

He didn’t file. He had a very long separation agreement drafted, which he paid a ton of money for, which was totally unnecessary because there were no children, no assets to be split or anything. He mailed it to her and then disappeared before she could even respond.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 06:21 PM
1

Nope. Opposite actually, he’s accrued a fair amount of debt.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 06:19 PM
1

Without legally divorcing? Who does that?
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 05:41 PM
1

The affair was found out so no reason to hide. That’s what is so weird.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 05:41 PM
1

Most likely. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 05:39 PM
1

I’m not talking about myself. But the woman in question is by all accounts a very nice and normal person.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/19 05:39 PM
5

Forget how it will impact you in court. It will impact you emotionally for the rest of your life. I highly recommend you speak to a therapist now so you don’t end up carry the burden of guilt for a long long time.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/19 03:53 PM
5

What the fuck? Do you want to do that to her just because she left you? It doesn’t even sound like she cheated. And even then, destroying her only source of income would be horrible. Why would you want to destroy someone just because they hurt you? That is extremely immature and you have a lot of work to do on yourself. In fact, you really shouldn’t even be in a new relationship yet, if you want my real honest opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/19 05:48 PM
1

I wonder how often he thinks about her when he is with me. I don’t find myself thinking about my ex-husband that much, but that is probably because he lives only 20 minutes away and we coparent so I see him and speak to him. But if he lived in another state, I guess I would probably think about him more because I wouldn’t see him. But when I do think of him, I’m able to smile at the memories and just move on with my day. Because we are divorced. And there is no unfinished business between us. Gi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/18 02:06 AM
1

I wonder if it is even possible to still love someone you haven’t physically seen or spoken to in 2 1/2 years. And if he still loves her, what on earth would his reason be for turning his back on her when she has cancer and cutting off communication. It’s almost like he is detached from the reality of the situation. I don’t really know what constitutes the “grass being greener.“ In my estimation, the grass is greener here. The most important difference is his job seems more fulfilling and seems …
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/18 12:55 AM
1

Well, the news of her cancer was 18 months ago, and 18 months should be enough time to get over it, but his completely shutting her out and avoiding her is keeping him from dealing with it and moving on. The news of her cancer diagnosis certainly changed his behavior towards her, not for the better. Prior to her getting cancer he avoided her a lot when she contacted him about legal issues. But sometimes out of the blue he would send her a text, maybe a picture of the dog or something. Once she g…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 11:11 PM
1

I don't think he feels "stuck" with me. But I do think he's not completely letting go of his marriage and it's not clear why. He doesn't feel stuck here. He really likes his life here. Early on he told me how much he hated his life with her. He hated his job, he hated where they lived. I think maybe he's stuck in that he knows he probably wasn't seeing things clearly in the beginning (the aforementioned fog and limerence, etc) and now rather than thinking he left a horrible situation for a much …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 09:06 PM
1

I guess my concern is that the lady in your story loved two people but she really didn’t have a choice because her husband died. If her husband had not died, she would never have remarried or allowed herself to love the new husband. So she loved two people that she didn’t have any reason to feel guilty about it. My boyfriend left his wife for another (me). I’ve read enough of infidelity forums to know that in order for him to deal with falling in love with me, he had to convince himself that he …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 06:43 PM
1

No, the people looking at his page don't know it's an old picture. But he does. He is choosing to present a picture from when he was still her husband, so does that mean he still thinks of himself as her husband in some way? I don't think it's a hidden message to his ex. But like I keep coming back to, there is some reason he's using old pictures instead of newer ones. There's absolutely no reason I can think of why he wouldn't use a more recent picture, when he has literally hundreds and some o…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 04:46 PM
1

I never say anything is impossible. I’ve seen couples come back from worse. Funny you should mention lighting. The lighting is actually so bad in the picture it’s probably the first thing you notice. It’s almost hard to tell what the picture is at first because the lighting is so bad. 3/4 of the dog is in shadow. It’s really not a good picture. That’s why it is more puzzling that he chose it. Whenever you look at a picture, you just automatically think of where you were and what your life was li…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 01:41 AM
1

The relationships that don’t work will fade quickly… But where does that leave us. We’ve been together for over three years. I think she came to terms very quickly, but that doesn’t mean that she got over it quickly. She was very very very devastated. And as far as I know she has not dated. Although I guess for the last 18 months, battling cancer, she wouldn’t have been dating anyway. I don’t know which would be worse: if he still loves her and is only staying here because he did so much damage …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/18 12:15 AM
1

He has let go without actually letting go. That’s why his behavior so odd.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 10:46 PM
0

I truly appreciate your compassion. But I give you full permission going forward to say it like it and just let it rip ha ha. I can take it. As far as her still being hurt, I can imagine that having the person you were closest to for so long turn away from you completely while you battle cancer is a very hurtful thing. That behavior is what brought me to start this thread in the first place. I was baffled by why he would do this to her. And even if she was in a new relationship, which she is not…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 10:35 PM
1

I wouldn’t be concerned if he was missing his old life. We all miss things from our past. But I will be concern with is if he is missing her. His old life may be dead and gone but if he still has feelings for her, it doesn’t matter what material part of their life are left. Yes, his behavior has been like this although I didn’t really notice it in the beginning. With the cancer did was trigger him to completely shut her out. But even though he no longer communicate with her, he is still continui…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 10:20 PM
1

I want to mention that this all really ties back to the fact that he never got divorced. Because there would really be no reason at all to shield her from seeing anything on social media if he were divorced. I mean, there is no reason at all to shield her now because he’s been in a new relationship with me for over three years now. Despite how the relationship began 4 years ago, it is a relationship, it is legitimate and we have lived together now for over two years. I feel like he is still in s…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 10:05 PM
1

I post pictures of us and will tag him. He has posted a few things here and there, but nothing public at all ever. He keeps his social media very locked down and private. When he was with his wife he was more active on it. He hasn’t even really posted a new picture of himself in many years. The profile picture he uses other social media sites like Twitter is a picture of his ex took of him on vacation about six years ago. He has never changed it to an updated profile picture. And his Facebook pr…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 09:37 PM
1

He’s not super active on it and doesn’t post much. When he does, it is usually on significant dates, like for example on the anniversary of his father’s death, he posted an old picture of his father.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 08:00 PM
1

I don’t know but I appreciate you talking it out with me. I just know that when I have had pets die, I have posted pictures of them as we all do. I have felt comfort inn posting pictures and remembering them a certain way. The dog is very very important to him and was included in a lot of our activities since he moved here. And yet he doesn’t post any pictures of those things and continues to post old pictures from his life before he moved here. One of the things I think it’s that he is reluctan…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 07:35 PM
1

No, the picture was on his phone. But he has probably 1200 pictures stored on his phone right now because he never deletes them. So he had to scroll back through 1200 pictures to find this one from years and years ago, as opposed to simply opening his phone and selecting one of the hundreds of pictures that are recent and at the top of his phone’s photo album.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 06:02 PM
1

It’s his dog, his old house, an old memory that was not uploaded to be tied to a specific event like a birthday or anything. If he just wanted to post a picture of the dog as a way to represent the fact that he loves and misses him, a more recent picture would make more sense since that would depict one of the last times he saw him. Those are the most recent memories. Just the day before the dog died, he was sitting on our couch cuddling with him and taking pictures. Those are cherished memories…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 05:48 PM
1

Because I have children, I guess at times I would have a reason to post a token of the past. For example, like I said, one of my children’s birthdays or something. This old picture of the dog was not a token of the past to commemorate something. It’s serves no purpose except to be a walk down memory lane.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 05:17 PM
1

I am going to ask him that I think. It seems to me that he must be under the impression that his ex looks at his Facebook page. I don’t know why he would think that because there’s really no way of knowing if she ever looks at it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 05:13 PM
1

It was definitely much more work for him to locate this particular old picture and it would have been for him to upload one of the hundreds of pictures on his phone, which is the only device he uses to access social media.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 05:12 PM
1

I don’t think that he would feel he hast to hide his support for her from me. My ex-husband lives 20 minutes away and we communicate all the time. His ex lives over 1000 miles away. So there’s no reason why he would feel he needs to freeze out his ex on my account. I can explain why he never divorced her. I left my husband in the fall of 2015 and we were divorced by the late spring of 2016. My boyfriend left his wife in early summer 2015 and they are still 100% legally married.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 03:36 PM
1

Looking closer, it’s even stranger. He has probably 100 pictures of the dog sitting on his lap from the past two years. But he chose this picture of the dog sitting on his lap maybe 8 to 10 years ago. You can tell he took the picture himself while laying on a couch and the dog is laying between his legs. I can see his leg and his foot with his slipper on it. He’s taken the same exact shot a million times on our couch. Virtually the same picture. The only thing different is the glimpse of backgro…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 02:20 PM
1

He didn’t crop the picture. It’s just a close up shot of the dog from probably 8 years ago. I do think it’s really really strange. This is a man who took literally multiple pictures of his dog every day. Right now on his phone there are probably 300 really fun and interesting pictures from the last 2 years of the dog at the beach, in the yard, etc. instead of using one of those, he dug up this old picture where the dog doesn’t even look as cute as he does in many other pictures. I would never up…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 01:12 PM
1

He just changed his cover photo on Facebook to a different picture of the dog. The previous photo was taken in the yard of the last place he lived with his ex, an apartment they rented for the last 2.5 years they were together. This one he just changed it to was taken inside the home he owned with his ex, where they lived together for over 10 years. He has many pictures of the dog from this house he and I live in together. Yet he keeps displaying much older pictures from his old homes. It’s a cl…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 05:25 AM
0

He’s not a narcissist. I just can’t figure out why he never got divorced and why it seems like he pretty much ghosted her after she was diagnosed with cancer.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 04:58 AM
1

He is the one who was unfaithful (with me). He left his wife 3.5 years ago. He never divorced her, just left. She’s remained very civil and has never bashed him or sought revenge. For the first year and a half he barely communicated with her. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and he stopped talking to her altogether. I thought it was guilt making him totally avoid her. Now after 3.5 years I’m wondering if there’s some other reason.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 03:24 AM
1

Just another observation. I think it also says something that he wrote “😟I’m sorry [nickname]” and then when she didn’t respond, 45 minutes later he wrote, “keep fighting!” Like he really noticed she didn’t respond. And after 45 minutes of waiting for a reply, he felt the need to write something else.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 01:40 AM
1

Well she didn’t acknowledge the fact that he used the nickname. Wonder how he interpreted that. I really don’t want to believe that his drastic avoidance is all about money (avoiding the possibility of having to pay her a little bit while she’s in dire financial straits). But the alternative, that his drastic avoidance is due to avoidance of feelings for her, isn’t much better.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 12:45 AM
1

They had been separated for two years when she got cancer. She wasn’t looking for emotional support from him, and he lives far away so there was no expectation of rides to chemo or anything.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 12:14 AM
1

I wasn’t sure if I was kind of overreacting to the nickname thing, but you seem to agree. Especially since it was such a big deal to him a few years ago when she told him he was no longer allowed to call her by that nickname because the only people she wants calling her that nickname are people who love and care about her. He was very affected by her saying that at the time. And now here he is a few years later calling her that nickname. But yet he still doesn’t communicate with her. It’s not li…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/18 12:12 AM
1

Well, we’re both in our 40s so kids isn’t an issue. I don’t necessarily need to get married again, but having a partner legally tied to another as we get older is not ideal. They are also legally each other’s next of kin. I just want to know that his heart is not still with her. And I don’t know if he can tell me that because I’m not sure it’s entirely conscious on his part. But like I said, the only reasons I can see why I - or anyone, really- would completely cut off an ex spouse is if 1) that…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 11:21 PM
1

Also, I wouldn’t call it a secret conversation. He probably did not think it was significant enough to mention it to me. I don’t mention to him when I speak to my ex about our kids, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 08:59 PM
1

I don’t know that I completely refuted your statement. And fact I’m scared but on some level it is correct, that he keeps himself away so completely because he’s afraid if he doesn’t, he will feel things he is trying to push away. Because his life here is better and he wants to stay where he feels important in his job and doesn’t want to be confronted with his feelings for her that might lure him away from this new job and new life where he feels important and admired. There are only two reasons…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 08:44 PM
1

I think he does care. When he asked her for her current address and she mentioned that she is still living with her relative because she is still in treatment, he did reply and say “I’m sorry.“ with a frowning face emoji. Still a pretty detached and odd response from someone who was her partner for two decades. If I had cancer, I know that my ex-husband would ask if he could do anything to help. And even though I no longer love my ex-husband, if he had cancer, I would tell him how sorry I am and…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 07:27 PM
1

The messages I read when she contacted him after the dog died, she was so nice. She really does seem like a compassionate person. She could really play the bitter hurt woman, especially given the fact that she is suffering from cancer. She’s really choosing to take the highroad. She mentioned how hard it must have been for him to make the choice to euthanize, and even though she did mention that she was devastated to not have been able to say goodbye, she did not make it a guilt trip. She asked …
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 07:07 PM
1

I would totally understand abandonment under the circumstances that you explain. In my case, I am trying to understand my boyfriend, who has not initiated divorce proceedings even though he left 3.5 years ago. By his own account and everyone else’s, she is a good person. There was no abuse in his marriage. He just fell out of love, fell in love with me and left her to come live with me. They were together for almost 2 decades. No children, no property or other assets. He did not divorce her. He …
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 06:58 PM
1

I suppose, but I have a different take on it. I feel like he has something that she wants and so he’s holding onto it. If he sends it to her, yes then she has a tangible Item to remind her of him and the dog, but it’s in her possession and she doesn’t have to contact him anymore. As long as the dogs collar is in his possession, he has something that is the tangible Symbol of something that belong to both of them and is also a tangible item that he holds in his possession that she wants and as lo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 06:49 PM
1

I actually feel like he did go overboard. She sent him a simple message. It was literally one sentence, “if at all possible, can I please have the dogs collar to remember him by?” He responded with four paragraphs, explaining why he hadn’t been in contact for a year… Even though she didn’t ask. Explaining why he didn’t tell her himself about the dogs passing… Even though she didn’t ask. And then the explanations he chose to give without being asked for them were ridiculous and made no sense. It …
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 06:47 PM
1

I’m also wondering if he has yet to send her the dog collar because it is a connection between them and he doesn’t want to give it up even though he told her he would send it to her. It doesn’t look like she has contacted him again to ask for it again. But maybe he is hoping she will do so.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 05:47 PM
1

He left his phone unattended and I snooped. So she contacted him and she was very nice to him. And he replied. But what do you make of the odd excuse that he gave for why he had not contacted her the whole time she been in treatment for cancer? I mean, he’s a very intelligent man and the excuse he gave about his phone going through the washing machine doesn’t make any sense at all. It sounds like the kind of excuse a child would give. He didn’t have to bring it up at all. She hadn’t said anythin…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 05:45 PM
1

I found out that his ex did contact him after the dog died. She found out through someone else and sent him a message asking if she could have the dogs collar to remember him by. I saw the message, she was very nice about it, those she clearly articulated that she was devastated. She told him how she understood how hard it must’ve been to make the decision to euthanize, but that it was very hard for her as well to not have been able to be there and say goodbye. She just wanted to have his collar…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 05:09 PM
1

You’d think, right? My boyfriend has no assets, no money and no kids. Literally the only thing in question is a very very small retirement fund. Separated 3.5 years now and still not divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/18 04:17 PM
1

Even if my boyfriend interacted with his ex, the fact that he has not divorced her is questionable.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 09:55 PM
1

I think when he actually has to go through with the divorce, he will be forced to face his feelings, whatever they may be. Sometimes being separated or even in the process of a divorce, do you still feel connected to your ex. He’s able to kid himself that he’s connected to her because they’re still married. But once they were divorced, especially now that the dog has died, there will be no connection, no links at all, and then he will have to actually face the fact that he left his marriage and …
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 07:17 AM
1

I wonder if the fact that he is succeeding in his new job is keeping him in the “fog.“ like each time he gets recognition for a new promotion or additional responsibility, it extends the fog keep him thinking that his new life is so much better. Because you are right, he is not a cruel person but he seems to be cruel to her for no apparent reason. The only thing I can think is that he is in some kind of state like they describe on the infidelity threads where he’s in a fog, still feels his new l…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 05:30 AM
1

Well yes, I divorced my husband and I knew that it would hurt him and I felt badly for him. But I didn’t love him and hadn’t for some time. According to my boyfriend, his ex was extremely devastated when he left her. But that’s not what I mean when I say hurting her. He seems to do things that will hurt her even when he could do things differently. I’ll give an example of when the dog died. His ex loved that dog like a child. She had hoped to get the dog back but was never able to especially due…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 04:13 AM
1

I suppose guilt alone isn’t enough to change your behavior. Guilt coupled with regret might cause a change in behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 01:38 AM
1

I don’t know why he would be prolonging the divorce intentionally. What do you mean by that? What purpose would it serve for him. I really don’t know what to think about his feelings towards her. I like to think that no one could hurt someone they love. He really does appear to like his new life here. He hated his old job when he was with his wife. His new job makes him feel appreciated and important. I have read some of the other threads on here and a theme in infidelity seems to be that no one…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/18 01:37 AM
1

In the beginning, she would not have been awarded alimony. But now she can show that he was not responsive when she was working towards the divorce previously and then she got cancer and her income has greatly suffered while his income has been increasing. So I think now she would be awarded alimony. She might not because she’s got cancer after they had already been living separately for almost 2 years. But I think she can make a strong argument. Although at the moment she doesn’t have any money…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 11:41 PM
1

He sure doesn’t act like he feels guilty. When he’s not working, we are together, being intimate or doing fun things. We go to dinner, we visit friends, we go to the beach. He laughs and smiles and makes jokes with people. If he has that amount of guilt inside of him, how could he hide it so well that he appears to be carefree and happy. Maybe it’s my own guilt talking, but I just don’t feel like I would be able to hide it so well.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 11:31 PM
1

I guess something that also strikes me is that I am starting to feel a little bit guilty when we are out having fun, cuddling on the couch, or taking a weekend getaway and I let the thought of his sick wife seep into my head. I picture her alone at night, lonely and sick. If I am feeling guilty and I’ve never even met her, how is he not feeling guilty?
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 10:03 PM
1

You know, another odd thing is that he’s working so hard and getting success. But he’s not divorced, and she could very well cite abandonment because he left her and she doesn’t even know his phone number - isn’t he worried that once he does go for divorce, or if she finds the means to divorce him, he will have to pay her some alimony or something now that he is doing well and she has gone through such a hardship with her cancer? You would think that he would have wanted to get the divorce done …
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 09:37 PM
1

Do you think that is not normal behavior? I mean he moved all the way here, it makes sense that he would want to make a real go of it and really succeed. I suppose it would make more sense if he had gotten divorced right away.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 07:20 PM
1

I think he is doing both.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 06:44 PM
1

Also, in terms of him working so much, I think that he felt that at his age (42 when he moved here, now 44) he was running out of time to become successful and therefore had to really throw himself into it. It would’ve been a real waste for him to leave his entire life behind and move here if it wasn’t going to be a success. I think he felt a real pressure. Because when he moved here my friend got him a job starting at the bottom in a new field and I think he feels the need to “catch up” as fast…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 05:34 PM
1

I heard him listening to his mother’s voicemail last night when he was in the bedroom and I was outside the room in the hallway. I fell out of love with my exH and I don’t have any need to completely remove him from my life. I have tried to think how that might be different if I in fact still loved him, but in all honesty, I can’t really see any scenario where I would want to completely remove him from my life. I don’t contact him unless it’s about our kids and I don’t have any desire to spend t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 05:19 PM
1

Well I have an update. His mother called him and said his ex is not doing great. (His mother keeps in touch with his ex by text just to ask how she’s doing every so often.) Not sure if by not doing great, she means health wise or financially or emotionally or what. My boyfriend didn’t return his mother’s call. Extreme avoidance seems to be his coping mechanism. He is more successful in his job here than he ever was with his ex. I think he feels walking away from his past is the trade off for his…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/18 04:13 PM
1

I’m sure it would have upset her to see a picture of her dog in the setting of her exes new life, especially since she didn’t get the chance to say goodbye or be a part of the decision to euthanize. But given that it’s been 3 1/2 years since he left her, it does give me pause to think that he is going to the lengths of using such an old picture just to avoid her possibly seeing it and getting upset. It also begs the question of why he would bother to choose a picture so as not to upset her when …
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 09:54 PM
1

Yes, he and his ex got the dog together as a puppy. He brought the dog with him when he moved here and she was upset that he took the dog so far away from her. She wanted the dog back but then she got cancer and couldn’t take him back. Both of them were obsessed with the dog, he was very much like a child to them. As for the change of that particular picture, the dog lived here with us for the last two years of its life. We even took the dog to the beach with us. There are many many pictures he …
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 08:01 PM
1

When he came here, he brought the dog that he had shared with his ex. The dog died a few months ago, that’s when he changed his social media picture. I can’t help wondering if the dog being here was sort of like an anchor between the two worlds and now that the dog has died, he has lost that connection to his old world.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 07:10 PM
1

In thinking all this through over the course of this thread, I also realized that he doesn’t post anything publicly about us on his social media. The photo he uses is a picture of a landscape from where he and his ex lived. And he just recently changed this picture so it’s not like it’s been there since he left her. He left her 3 1/2 years ago and just two months ago he changed his picture to a picture of the pond behind their old home. Am I wrong to think that his weird? If he doesn’t want to p…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 05:54 PM
1

Yes, I am distressed. Because it does seem that he did uproot his entire life in a very unhealthy way, which causes me to believe that it’s possible he’s only staying in the new life because he’s kind of stuck with it now. And he will forever be haunted by his choices. Thanks for letting me talk this through.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 04:08 PM
1

A letter might be a good idea. He has made many more changes to his life than I have to mine, which makes his unwillingness to address his ex’s cancer or divorce more confusing. Yes, I got divorced, moved out and am in a new relationship. I still live in the same city, have the same job, same life. All that’s changed for me is my address and the partner I share that address with. My boyfriend on the other hand has literally an entirely new life. He left his wife of almost 2 decades, the job he’d…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 03:22 AM
1

Oh, insurance is another reason he has to feel guilty. Because he took her off his health insurance. He was angry because it was costing him so much to cover her, and then she couldn’t afford her own and hadn’t found a new job yet and then she was diagnosed with cancer. She had to move and with a relative and quickly find Medicare coverage. She would’ve had to find her own coverage anyway because of the divorce. It just makes it worse that she was not covered by him anymore when she was diagnose…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 02:01 AM
1

I have tried to approach the subject with him and he just says he does not want to talk about it. Meaning he doesn’t want to talk about her. Neither of us really talks about our former spouses. After three years, he is in a better place in terms of the fact that when he moved here he had quit his job and taking a new position starting at the bottom and has quickly moved up. Although he is still not making as much money as he was in the past. (My ex-husband made a lot of money and my boyfriend wi…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/18 01:07 AM
1

I agree, he should’ve dealt with the divorce before he even moved here. It is alarming that he has continued to avoid it. My exhusband and I owned a large home, second investment property and have three children. My boyfriend and his former wife owns no property and have no children. I can’t think of a more simple divorce scenario. I can’t figure out why he would keep putting it off because it doesn’t benefit him in anyway. It just remains something looming over his head to cause him stress so i…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 10:01 PM
1

P.s. Thank you for taking all of the time to keep responding
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 09:08 PM
1

Oh gosh, yes I meant left, not laughed. Yikes, what a typo. I think he did send her a very short text after she was diagnosed that just said he was sorry to hear it. At some point after that though, he did get a new phone number and she does not have the number. I agree with you that he cannot ignore all of this forever. I suppose it all hinges on the divorce because at some point, they are going to have to get divorced. I also agree that he is doing everything he can to keep his mind busy. I ca…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 08:57 PM
1

I’m fairly certain he’s not in contact with his acts because I came across an email from her to him right after she was diagnosed in which she tells him but she is scared but that she knows she will be OK in the end. In that email she references the fact that she has tried to communicate with him about the divorce over the previous year and he has not responded. And I did not see a response from him to her, so he did not reply to that email. And in the 18 months since she was diagnosed, he has c…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 07:47 PM
1

Sorry for the confusion, I am not exactly proud to say that yes, our relationship again when we were both still married to others. We were friends in high school and had not seen each other for 20 years. She was devastated to learn about our relationship. He lived 1000 miles away and once we started messaging and developed feelings for each other, he moved out on her and immediately after, he came to visit me and our relationship became physical, but we remained a long-distance relationship for …
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 06:33 PM
1

Yes, thanks for sharing your experience. It does help even though it’s different. I guess I just thought that since he left his marriage moved here to be with me, he must have no feelings left for her. I thought he would get divorced and leave her in the past, but when she got sick and he totally shut her out, that worried me. Because it’s been over three years and he still has not filed for divorce and now his seemingly cold and non-empathetic reaction to her illness makes me question many thin…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 04:42 PM
1

While you were dating others and not showing anything to her, did you consciously know you still had feelings for her? I’m sorry for all the questions, I’m just trying to more understand.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/18 03:00 PM
1

How long were you in this constant battle with yourself? Or year or longer?
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 10:57 PM
1

He’s gone more than a year without contacting her. He must be one heck of a pro at suffocating his feelings. That is an uncomfortable thought.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 10:16 PM
1

Also, if he does in fact still love her, won’t he one day have to admit that to himself?
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 08:09 PM
1

Very helpful, thank you very much. More than one person has mentioned that he may be worried communicating with her or asking her she is doing will upset me. This concerns me very much because if she dies and he did not communicate with her because he was worried about how it would affect me, he will most certainly resent me. Even though he does know that I don’t have a problem with him reaching out to her (she lives 1000 miles away), New matter what, If she dies and he can’t face his guilt for …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 08:04 PM
1

Yes, that concerns me because like I said, what if she does die? If he is holding on to some connection, either consciously or subconsciously, and then she dies, there could be an emotional disaster as a result. Not the least of which will be overwhelming regret for not communicating with her when he had the chance. Tell me though, as a man, if he’s holding onto a connection to her, what does he get out of not talking to her? Is it just a feeling that “she’s out there somewhere“ and that allows …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 06:38 PM
1

That is my feeling as well, that if he is kind to her now it will make things easier on the legal front in the future. Before she was diagnosed with cancer, she was pushing the legal stuff Ford and he was still avoiding her in large part. Then when she got sick, he completely closed off from her. I just don’t understand why he find it so hard to talk to her when she has been nice to him and done all the legwork for him. That’s why I asked on this particular sub Reddit, to get a more male perspec…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 06:23 PM
1

Oh my, I could never sent her a card from me. I do feel guilty but I also know that I am not her favorite person and although she has never contacted me directly or done anything to hurt me or “get revenge,” I think any contact from me to her would only serve to be hurtful to her. Maybe it is just too soon. If more years had passed then maybe. But they are not even divorced yet so I highly doubt she would want to hear from the woman her husband left her for. I hate even writing that because I ne…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:47 PM
1

Yes, I do feel guilty about breaking up their marriage. That’s one reason I don’t want to see her hurt any further by having him ignore her while she is battling cancer.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:31 PM
1

The only time he has talked about her was early on and he said she was a good person and he wasn’t a good person because he cheated. He was very conflicted. By all accounts, she’s just a woman he fell out of love with. I’m sure she’s not perfect because none of us are. His mother is still very fond of her. And the one email I came across but she wrote to him, she was very polite and nice in her words to him and even made a little joke at one point. There was no nastiness or bitterness despite th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:28 PM
1

That’s my fear as well regarding his reaction to her. I wish there was a logical conclusion I could reach, such as what you mentioned about her maybe being helpless and needy. But I don’t think she was particularly helpless. After he left her, she moved by herself to an entirely new part of the country and she’s never contacted him for help with anything in the whole time we’ve been together. And now that she’s fighting cancer, if there was ever a time to contact him for help, if now would be th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:13 PM
1

Thank you for sharing your experience. My boyfriend is still married to his ex. I can’t help but also think that still being married to her (after 3,5 years) somehow makes it seem odder that he’s closed off communication and shut her out once she got cancer. I would think he would want to keep lines of communication open so that when he does finally get divorced, it’s not awkward. By shutting her out and changing his phone number, now when he approaches her about divorce in the future, it will b…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:03 PM
1

Not really. But there haven’t been any other situations where he might do this. I knew him in high school and then we reconnected 4 years ago. He’s lived with me for 2.5 years now and things have been going really well for him in terms of his new job and his life here. So the only area of his life I can see he’d need to shut out would be in regards to his ex.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 10:06 AM
1

That’s just what worries me. You find it hard to communicate with your ex because she shuts down communication. My boyfriend’s ex has been kind to him. I saw an email she sent him after she was diagnosed. She was very nice to him in the email, frankly nicer than I probably would have been in her position, and he still didn’t respond to her. It really concerns me that he doesn’t acknowledge her and has shut her out so completely. Because I’m worried one day all the buried emotions will all explod…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 07:57 AM
1

Yes, she knows. She was devastated. But she’s always remained kind to him and he was still able to talk to her sometimes for the first year and a half after he left her. But he never divorced her. And it wasn’t until she got cancer that he distanced himself completely, no contact whatsoever for an entire year. That worries me, that her getting cancer made his guilt so overwhelming that he had to try to “erase” her. That might keep him from thinking of her a lot, but it can’t possibly work foreve…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 07:52 AM
1

Can men really compartmentalize to this degree? It’s like he doesn’t care that she might die. What if she does die? Will he then completely fall apart?
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 05:21 AM
1

I really hope to hear from men who are divorced or in the process of divorcing or have been separated for an extended period of time.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 03:28 AM
2

Thanks for replying. From everything I have heard, his ex is a very good person and has not badmouthed him since he left. His best friend and others speak very well of her. My boyfriend doesn’t speak of her at all, really. I know he felt extremely guilty for hurting her. But it’s been over 3 years now, and she’s treated him with kindness whenever she’s contacted him. Her being kind to him should make it easier for him to face her, even despite his guilt. She’s really seriously ill. Like you said…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/18 03:00 AM
7

If you want a chance to be happy, stay in your marriage and look within to make yourself happy. Happiness isn’t found through another person. Just trust me, I’m learning g this very, very hard lesson and I had to learn the hardest way possible.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/18 06:10 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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