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voncichlid Archive

View 0 posts and 81 comments by voncichlid on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

Part of my growth has been the knowledge that relationships are not something that a person gets better at the more of them they have had.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 05:30 AM
1

It's the worst pain you'll ever feel, but a lot of good can come out of it trust me. If you make it to the other side you'll have control over yourself that you never dreamed possible. Right now, this person who doesn't care about you at all has control of half of you, and the pain you feel is that half of you dying. Like the other poster said, you need to go no contact sooner rather than later, but like they also said it needs to be your decision too. FWIW, I am 20 months out from when the bomb…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 04:21 AM
4

I wouldn't say embrace it, but you got to make peace with the fact of it, and you have to build some value and find some role other than father. I'm only 15 months out, so it may change at some point, but I'm not holding my breath. If it does change, it'll be when they have to grow up and then they'll find out life is hard and they themselves aren't perfect. I was a crappy teen when I think about it. I thought my dad was dumb and backwards, but then when I went to the Army, I saw how tough thing…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 03:00 AM
3

It's really complicated. It is going to be possible to love again, but the feelings part of it will never be the same. It's going to take real work now. It's kind of like loving your children. You recognize them as flawed beings, but you love them in spite of it. For our ex's, we recognized they were flawed towards others, but we somehow thought they subjugated those same flaws for ourselves. We gaslit ourselves so that we could feel more secure, turning a blind eye to their actual deteriorating…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 04:09 PM
3

How many people do you know that have thrown away something that could be amazing? I am a high school teacher and I see it all the time. It starts at a young age for most all of us. What you have to accept and make sense of is that not every occurrence on this planet is God's will. I would surmise the vast majority of it is not. All of us have free will, and our fallen nature dictates that much of what we choose is not in accordance with what could have been had correct choices been made. In my …
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 05:35 AM
6

She is bored and she thinks the future has something amazing in store for her if she makes the bold move of ending her family. It happened to me too, 20 years down the drain, and I was powerless to stop it. My two daughters are all in with her too. It was the most painful experience of my life, my times in the Army not even coming close. What I think it boils down to for many of us is that we all married women who were good at the beginning. Thats why our marriages lasted as long as they did. We…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 04:59 PM
2

The only path forward is to make a vow to God above that you will never see or speak to her again, and then stick to it. I 100% know your pain. I begged and poured my heart out for three months total. Suddenly, a switch flipped, I made the vow, and one year later I am in a much better place. If I could do it, you can do it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 07:01 AM
4

That's what I figured you were saying, and I agree. When dating, both man and woman put in equal effort to get what they want.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 09:42 PM
2

I usually like your comments, but that one went way over my head lol.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 08:45 PM
7

So what exactly do you propose then? An open relationship? Why even get married then. This is the dumbest take I've ever seen.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 08:12 PM
7

I'm a year out, and the biggest silver lining to me is that now our thoughts and actions can align with reality in a way they never have before. The shock of it all absolutely sucks and is devastating, but if you stare right at it and work through it, then you can get very strong once it levels out and then subsides. The gym is a must, as is not drinking and going very easy on weed. My reasoning for the latter is that our minds have much to fully process, and anything that slows the mind down wi…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 12:42 AM
1

Three months is not long at all. I was still deep in despair at that point. A little over a year out and I feel much better. I think like many things in life, the more work you put in when things suck, then the better it will be when the clouds begin to clear and the suck subsides.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 02:34 AM
3

The silly dream is a consequence of being mentally involved in the relationship long after the wife has checked out. The sad thing is it shows how little the stbx's had to do in the marriage to keep the illusion going for us. Much of that is our fault probably. In my case, my own ego would not let me see the truth. The biggest positive of this is that the destruction of that ego, while intensely painful, can someday give you the wisdom and clarity to see life for what it is. Despite how awful th…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 06:21 PM
11

It took me a solid three months of feeling like that first week. Then something inside flipped and I stopped begging and went no contact, and it has been steady improvement ever since. I'm at 11 months now. Believe me, you'll make it through this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 05:36 AM
3

It's not special behavior at all. My theory is that they treat us that way hoping that we leave and thus they can look like the one who tried to make it work. Ultimately, most men just suck it up and appease them to no end. Once the woman realizes the guy is going nowhere of his own volition, she then drops the bomb. I remember a couple of years ago my ex asked me how I could possibly love her because she was "such a bitch." I was dumbfounded at the time, but in retrospect that should have been …
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 05:02 AM
1

Recognizing that feelings are just feelings is what makes men be men.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 03:53 AM
21

Me neither. It was too painful at the time the bomb was dropped. That's why there was so much begging. You think you can't live without them, so you bargain with reality. It is the denial stage of grief, and there is nothing you can do but go through it. Luckily, I am a smart dude who can move on. At three months the switch flipped and I stopped cold turkey. I'm 9 months out and I still am processing the devastation of it all, but I am so proud of how fully I've moved into the acceptance stage o…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 07:10 PM
54

If a woman wants you, any behavior will be forgiven. If they do not want you, nothing will be good enough.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:24 PM
4

^ If anyone wants to know how their ex is handling the breakup, this answers that question.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 02:02 AM
1

A person has to realize that there is a finite level of happiness achievable in this world, and learn to be content with the happiness they've achieved.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/24 04:33 PM
2

I used to ask mine why she couldn't relax, and she would, with tears in her eyes, say "This stuff has to be done!"
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 06:38 PM
3

I agree moral boundaries do exist and crossing them does have consequences in that someone may be hurt and that trust is damaged. However, once you say the marriage vows, personal boundaries do not. When you say "for better or worse, until death do us part," you are promising before God and society to forgive your partner as many times as is necessary when those moral boundaries are crossed. The real sticking point in my estimation is that people should understand that the time to "always be rea…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 03:56 PM
6

It means: "I know I should still love you but I don't and there is nothing I can do about that."
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 03:28 PM
7

"Always be ready to walk away" is perfect advice, but it is not applicable if you are already married. I was having this conversation with my sister the other day. The concept of "boundaries" only makes sense if a couple is unmarried. Once you say "for better or worse, until death do us part," then you have effectively said the relationship has no boundaries and you are reliant that each partner has each other's best interest in mind. Sure, there can be discussions about what each does and does …
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 03:04 PM
1

Technology has us all hyper-focused on the moment, and no one is as good at seeing the big picture as they used to be. The desire for instant gratification has permeated the entirety of society in ways like never before. It seems like we all have collectively lost our marbles sometimes, men included. No one works through things anymore. You see it in the rise of prescription drugs usage. You see it with people on cell phones while they are driving (man mine was bad about that). No one sees what …
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 08:43 PM
6

I think it's something biological that happens in their early 40's. All of her friends were ending their marriages, and sure enough mine was next. If I think back to it, I remember my own parents were about to divorce when I was in high school, but they worked through it. There is something about that 20 year mark that is a weak spot for otherwise seemingly successful marriages. Maybe in the past people had stronger foundations and could weather the storm better. I'm sure tiktok and social media…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 04:19 AM
2

By the time they call it, we have been off our game for years. We let them say whatever they feel, and we agree, because we are in shock and think by appeasing them that they might change their minds.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 03:39 AM
6

I have learned that the only way you are meaningful to people is if you cause them to change. I think that is why we loved our wives so much. We changed everything for them in many cases. On the flipside, those changes we made enabled them to not have to change at all. As a consequence, they have little invested were as we had a ton.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 11:38 PM
1

I have no idea how guys handled this before the internet. I would have been beyond lost without this sub.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 07:09 AM
12

I think just about every man on this forum (yourself included) experienced what you are experiencing right now at the beginning of their failed marriages, otherwise they would have not gotten married. I too am in a relationship where I am treated in the same way you are currently. I would give anything for a crystal ball to see the future, but unfortunately all we have is the past experience of ourselves and many men before us to go off of. I am not saying redpill is any kind of absolute truth, …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 09:32 PM
5

"KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN" - that is no joke. Proverbs says we are to be "sober and watchful." Enjoy and be thankful for your relationships and do love the one you are with. But please be honest with yourself as well. If you are that, then you will also be honest with them, and under those circumstances something good can bloom.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 06:13 PM
2

I agree 110% An essential part of moving on is completely acknowledging the profound damage the destruction of a family does to your being. Without this acknowledgement, the horrific pain we feel when it happens makes absolutely no sense. I agree that we can heal tremendously and come out much, much wiser. However, to suggest that we will ever experience again the upward momentum and joy felt when the original family unit was being formed is absurd.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 10:24 AM
8

The only long term comfort possible is knowing the truth, and it takes a lot of pain sometimes to get there. Experience has told me this: The best, most fulfilling times of my life where when I got out of the Army (which was a little traumatic for me). During that time I learned coping skills that I never would have had I not had the difficulties there to enforce the learning of them. While the trauma from the Army was mostly physical and mental, this trauma we are experiencing is a trauma that …
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 07:35 PM
5

She fired you, but only she knows if she actually replaced you. I'm nine months into mine, and by now I know that any hurt caused ultimately is only a truth that will set you free if you learn from it and respond appropriately.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 06:23 AM
5

I think this is because they mostly are disgusted by you the few years prior to them dropping the bomb. The most mundane decency probably takes them major effort, and that is why they overestimate their contribution so highly.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 06:14 AM
1

Going to the gym is an excellent idea, but the dressing better part of it doesn't make too much sense to me. If your body is fit, you can wear a lot of different things and it won't matter. Not having to blow money on clothes is one of the benefits of starting over.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 02:10 AM
42

Guys! It's not the actual work, its the "emotional labor" of always having to plan to do it. Ya'll are so insensitive.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 05:28 PM
3

The reason they blow it up is because they likely had to do nothing at all to get us in the first place. In their minds, they settled. They think they can work on themselves/manifest a while, and then they will find their true place in the universe.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/23 12:58 AM
2

Somethings you can learn only after experiencing them. Luckily, it's a lesson that we'll only have to learn once.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 11:35 PM
4

You are sleeping with different women, and you are doing it with a clear conscience! I am in the same boat. 3.5 months after d-day. I mourned for two solid months, played the "pick me" and all that. Then I finally got my self respect and went NC. I got active on the apps and after about three weeks I started getting some activity and now I am getting action. I would rather have all this not happened (20 years down the drain), but at the same time I feel like a real soldier being able to get out …
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 10:04 PM
1

You were doing ok until you had to use "ax murderer" as your example. I'd bet anything most all of these marriages ended because the ex was "unhappy." I would even wager that is the reason they gave the husbands then they told them the news. I'm not saying someone she be forced to honor a promise, that negates free will. At the same time, I think you are delusional if you think most of the guys here could have done anything to save their family. The general sense of despair in the forum shows ju…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 06:38 PM
1

Then why say the vows?
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 06:06 AM
1

I agree with some of your post, especially the part about having to up your game when coming to dating. The thing is, dating is the courting phase, and that takes a ton of energy and dedication for men not in the top 10%. No one can be expected to live like that their entire lives, it is totally unsustainable. The whole point of marriage is that you can settle down and focus on the quieter things in life. If you have to stay in the courting phase your whole life, then there is zero point in gett…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 03:37 PM
1

I was in the same boat 3.5 months ago. It took me a solid 2 months to wrap my head around it, and I am a quick learner, so don't feel bad. What you have to realize is that for at least the last year the "best friend" was just an act. I'll bet if you carefully go over memories the transition will become apparent, it did in my case. This woman may not be your enemy right now, but you better believe that at best she is completely indifferent to you. You need to do whatever you can to come out of th…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 03:20 PM
3

For two months I was broken to the point of suicidal. Then a switch flipped and now I oscillate between feelings of hatred and indifference. I had my faults, but I loved her with all my heart for 21 years. This has been really traumatic because I am literally no longer the same person, but with that said it is necessary for healing. The really weird thing is I have never actually hated someone in my 44 years of living. I've disliked people, but never hated someone. I'm sure God will understand, …
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 04:22 PM
5

When they first break it to you, they act like they are doing you a favor and they still have your best interests in mind. A day or two later their true colors are shown.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 06:24 AM
1

As in I neither love nor hate you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 04:36 AM
13

We would have had twenty years in May. I'm a little over three months into this, and I am still shocked at how common this situation is. The red flags were all there: Made more money than me. Worked in the medical field. Recently divorced friends. Became more distant and career oriented in recent years. etc. What I've learned is that for many women, the only way your relationship is secure is if you are the best they can do. Even then, they might just blow it up if they get bored and just want d…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 07:46 PM
2

Lol. I got "I nothing you!"
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 07:17 PM
8

I know that they all will. The real question is whether or not they keep the promise they made, and everyone here chose the ones that did not.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 03:46 PM
12

Exactly what I went through. She was the 3rd of her b1tch friends to blindside their husband. It's what I get for thinking they were just chumps and trusting her. She denies the existence of another man, but I'm sure once this finalizes Chad will magically appear out of thin air. She works in the medical field, and I am finding out how ripe that is for affairs. Twenty years down the drain.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 11:43 PM
10

Women do this kind of stuff all the time. My ex could have a friend she was real "close" to for a few years and then something could happen and they would hate each other for the rest of eternity. I always figured that was just a woman on woman quirk, but sure enough it works on husbands too.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 11:37 PM
3

I've found that too. I think it is because our brains have to process the insanely shit hand we were dealt, and weed stunts the ability for the brain to do that. We are going to have to move on and accept reality and as much as it sucks, a clear head is going to be what best lets us be able to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 09:35 AM
7

It's good to be loved, but if we're honest, what we really want is to be loved reciprocally. That is, we want to be loved by who we love. What hurts most is the rejection, and all of the support from friends and family, while it helps some, ultimately does little to sooth the betrayal felt when who we loved most discards us.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 11:24 PM
2

Many are. They are not criminal, but they are unimaginably cold and calculating. What they do (mine did at least) is enjoy the benefits and the status marriage provides while suffering in silence. Then, once they are all set to move on, often with a new partner at the ready, they let the husband know. In my case, she said it was my fault for not recognizing the signs.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 05:21 PM
5

It's the biggest mindfuck I've ever been through. It makes you rewrite all of the best times in your life. When you were thinking "Wow I love her we will spend the rest of our lives together" she was only thinking "Well, I guess I'll give it another month." What you thought were objectively shared wonderful moments were actually only subjective illusions.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 04:22 AM
6

Three months in the conversation the day of replays over and over sometimes. "I'm unhaaapy, I need a reset, ILYBINILWY, we are incompatible (yet we lasted 20 years), lightswitch effect, etc" The gaslighting involved when they throw this on you will mess you up.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 11:11 PM
2

I am 3 months into my own version of this. 20 years up in smoke. Mine was over it ("at peace") within a couple of days. After 3 months I'm not burning with anger and hurt anymore, but I can tell you it sucks, and I know what you are feeling. One consolation I have right now is that at least she laid her last blow. It will be a devastating one that will take likely years to recover from, but it will be the last one. Good luck to you and I'll pray for us both.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 11:06 PM
3

Usually when a woman brings up divorce, they have been thinking about it for at least a year, and that is why I said that. In our case the actual trigger was a heated argument, but the reasons given for her wanting a divorce were a list of things accumulated over 20 years. Like many, I thought all of those things were settled long ago, but, well, the "light switch effect" explains the rest. Needless to say, none of it in my mind was a valid reason for destroying a family, I know I'll never get t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 11:00 PM
3

That is what I have to remind myself of as well. If she was plotting this for a whole year, I was actually just as alone then as I am now.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 04:56 PM
10

They say women inititate 70% of divorces, but I am starting to think the other 30% are just men beating the woman to the punch. I'd bet at least 90% of marriages are, for all intents and purposes, ended by the woman.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/23 12:41 AM
13

The problem isn't so much that no woman is perfect, the problem might be that no woman is trustworthy enough not to jump ship when/if a better option presents itself. Imperfection is tolerable, it's the lack of reliability that is the deal breaker.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/23 05:34 PM
5

I don't think that exact point ever existed, and even if it had existed, I couldn't have kept up with the diminishing returns of the changes required anyways. I could have been better, but once a woman thinks they deserve and can do better then there is no change that you can make. At that point you have to realize your wife is a mercenary who is going to the highest bidder, and any future promises she makes are null and void.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 06:57 PM
3

I am three months into my ordeal, and it started like yours. When she broke the news, she said I deserved better and that she wanted to see me "thrive." In less than a few days it turned into resentment and just wanting to see me gone. I think she hates the fact I exist simply because I cause her to feel guilt, and I'd wager yours is angry at you for the same reason. Mine also denies another man is involved, but I'll never know the truth on that.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 06:48 PM
1

That the world is evil is actually one of the Bible's tenets. The biggest slap in the face to me was that this happened when I was doing my best. I had stopped drinking and had been living clean for the last two years. You would think I would get extra prosperity for that, right? Nope. Wife of twenty years blindsides me and here I am three months into it, more accepting of my fate but still reeling. If anything, this happening supports the truth of the Bible. Our ultimate good is not here on Ear…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 11:03 PM
1

It's much more difficult than starting over, even. There is no logic in trying to recreate what you had- that will not happen. It's the uncertainty of how to proceed that is 90% of the battle. I am three months into my ordeal, and the most difficult part so far is training my mind to focus on the hour at hand. I used to think only of the future, and now when I do that it brings only misery. The most happiness you will get is by focusing on neither the past nor the future, but the present. That's…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 10:38 PM
5

They will rationalize it by saying that a loveless marriage is worse than a broken home. (Even though the lovelessness is largely due to the shutdown of the woman in these situations.)
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 11:43 PM
1

That was a good video. Damn I get what Roy was feeling.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 05:38 AM
2

I don't know how far you are, but I am 11 weeks into the same ordeal as you. (20 years up in smoke.) What I am realizing is that I loved my wife more than myself. I still do, but that ratio is slowly changing. One day I know I will love myself more than my STBX. Right now, it is the opposite. Our "wives" love themselves much more than us. That is how they can be so cold. They have moved on long ago. But, even after eleven weeks I can feel it trending in the positive direction. Now, will it ever …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 05:20 AM
5

Maybe he hasn't been messed over by a woman yet and that is why he is falling for it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/23 03:47 AM
10

I'm 10 weeks into my ordeal (married 20 years got the ILYBNILWY like everyone else). Not only am I sitting here alone, but I am also on day 26 without nicotine (dipped for 28 years). To say that I have been uncomfortable is the understatement of the century. Way I see it, if I am going to suffer, I might as well fix myself from the ground up. The double wammy of nicotine cravings and longing for the STBX has done a number on my mental health, but I know the me a few years from now will thank the…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/23 03:04 AM
1

I suspect it too. The reason is that the STBXW never has any apprehension about the future. Plus, she is doing everything she can to expedite the process (giving me a good deal and letting me walk away, essentially). Also, everything she said when she broke the news (ILYBNILWY, I need space, light-switch, etc) is aligning with what others have experienced. For the first month I felt like Arnold's character in Total Recall. 20 years of my life apparently was a facade.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 01:49 AM
2

I kind of get what you are going through. My situation is not as extreme, but my STBX is in the medical field, and I am just a lowly high school teacher, and she always made me feel bad about the fact she made more money than me. What I would try and do is feel a sense freedom that now you no longer have to impress anyone. I used to stress out about my job, but now the last couple of months I just go in there and do my thing. I also know she will find (or has already found) someone else sooner t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 07:20 PM
5

What you see in her is the woman she was when you first met. That's what they don't understand. No other guy will see that, just the one they are dumping. Anyone else will see who they currently are, which likely can't hold a candle to who they were when they met you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 03:04 AM
17

Exactly. Call her out on it and watch those tears instantly dry up and the real woman reveal herself.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 02:03 AM
3

I am 10 weeks into this and I am realizing that more and more. It's important that I understand that I didn't love her as much as the fact that I loved the idea of her loving me. It's the inflation of the ego that a pretty wife can provide that I am missing. But, once you realize she could care less about you, her prettiness isn't so pretty anymore and you start to realize that you thought more of her than a lot of other guys did for that ego driven reason.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 04:25 AM
4

When you down in the dirt, nearly broken and exhausted it is all you have left. I am two months into this and suffering near relentlessly, but one thing I think I can say for sure is that I now know who I am and I am not the one making shit up. I asked my STBX how she felt about this and she said she felt "at peace." I am calling bullshit. The reason she feels that way is because she is getting what she wants. At some point I hope the consequences of this are going to hit her and she'll realize …
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 05:03 PM
17

That ain't no shit. We had a cat that shed all over the place and tore things up that I wanted to get rid of. She said it wasn't right to just get rid of pets. Unfortunately 20 years did not get me that same consideration. This board has been a lifesaver for me. When a woman goes cold, they go cold. It doesn't matter what you went through together.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 01:50 AM
2

I'm in the same boat as you. What I am coming to understand is that not only should I have provided more, but I should have been on the same emotional journey as well, that way we were not just "roomates, etc." My wife was good for a long time, but she blew up a 20 year marriage because of increasingly impossible expectations. The shitty thing is that I know the next guy will get the benefit of the doubt I guess like I got, and then she'll run into the same issues with him. Women are much too ti…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 04:07 PM
2

I guess he means that once you see that there is no more damage that can be done.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 12:34 AM
7

The eternal good that can come out of this is the purification of our own souls. I was devastated 6 weeks ago that the wife I loved wanted to end our 20-year marriage. There was no abuse or anything, she was just "unhappy." I am just barely entering the acceptance stage. I was not a bad guy before this, but I am already irrevocably changed for the better. At this stage it is hard to foresee a future that will match up with the fun of my past. With that said, a vail has definitely been lifted and…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/23 01:03 AM
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