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west-rain-shadow Archive

View 0 posts and 108 comments by west-rain-shadow on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

the unit of matrimony is not the chore. there is not some magical amount of dishes that would make her be loving again.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 02:11 AM
1

First: stop with the alcohol. It sounds like it is not improving anything, for you or your family. Becoming dependent on it will not help your career, either. Her response was that, for the sake of our child, she would consider an open marriage, but she no longer had any intention of loving me the way she used to. I hope you aren't considering this. It doesn't sound like a path of healthy self-respect. How will you raise your child in a home where the parents do not respect one another? Or in a …
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 01:24 AM
1

this right here
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 01:11 AM
3

I’m trying to understand whether what I’m experiencing is emotional abuse and coercive control it is, if it is as you describe. I've seen restraining orders issued for less. She later reframed this as me being violent, which deeply concerns me it should you need qualified family law counsel yesterday. You need to tell them everything and do as they recommend. You run the risk of losing access to your home and children if you do not begin taking measures at once.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 01:09 AM
6

She's hit her mid twenties and is making good money on her own for the first time ever. It sounds to me like she doesn't want you, and no longer feels that she needs you. Another commenter said she is looking for something else; I agree. You're more than young enough to recover well from this, so I would consider that a positive. Better to know now than in twenty years with a kid or two. Protect your assets, position yourself to make money if you aren't already. Get and stay in good shape.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 12:57 AM
3

Take care that you don't conflate the future you'd envisioned with the person herself. You have your entire life ahead of yourself. Live it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 12:47 AM
1

So we just started therapy It feels like I’m being told I’m the problem, again, just for trying to express myself. Give it time to work, if you want it to work. You should absolutely tell the therapist next time that you felt like you didn't get your turn to speak, and that you have some talking and explaining to do. My ex walked out of couples after the second session. I think a lot of things would have gone differently if she had not. I took her bailing as a huge signal that she wasn't willing…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 12:40 AM
1

asking unreasonable money to drop DVPO courts look very poorly on quid pro quo for these things, if you have evidence of such. DVPO is not meant to be a negotiating tactic for assets.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 12:27 AM
3

exceptions prove the norm. This is sophisticated sounding nonsense. Your unilateral assertion is not a norm potential exceptions are measured against. Read up on it. I’ve seen it. It’s TikTok pop psych bullshit people use to rationalize what they’ve already decided to do when they aren’t comfortable owning their decision. It’s not a syndrome, it’s an excuse.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 08:51 AM
3

Bad idea. Possible legal liability depending on how the material was acquired. Just don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 08:26 AM
3

I agree with a lot of your proposed actions here, as a matter of changing the one thing OP can control (himself). I don’t agree with your framing. You’ve built this cosmology where he’ll do these things and her attitude and the relationship will definitely improve. But that’s not guaranteed. Doing these things could just as easily make it worse. Or it could worsen for other reasons, which OP may have no control over. Relationships take two people. Boundaries are also expectations. What are OP’s …
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 08:17 AM
9

Quit the second job and the drinking, that never helps. Start taking more time for yourself: gym, hobbies. You’re going to be dead soon, don’t waste that time. Explain to her that you’ve been hurt by the things she’s said. I think you should not be quick to toss away decades of marriage, but you shouldn’t submit yourself to her whims and ego either. Be the person you want to be. She can come along, or not.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 07:46 AM
-2

Agree, this is just people. Many of us are good at ignoring red flags and forums like this one select for them.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 12:39 AM
1

Will she be living in it without you there? Might want: some mechanism to evict her swiftly if she is living there and fails on sale or refi, and something about ensuring she notifies you swiftly of issues. You basically have a hostile tenant who is living in your house for free.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 10:05 PM
2

You could ask your attorney about filing a protective order on their behalf as a vulnerable adult. But blocking her number on their phone[s] might solve nine-tenths of the problem for none of the cost.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 06:00 AM
2

You can have a friend or relative do it, or even a stranger. You should be prepared to have them sign something to the effect of "yes, I delivered document X to person Y on the day of, see attached copy". There are probably templates online to attest proof of service.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 04:56 PM
9

Delete this post and your account at once.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 04:44 PM
3

If you're asking the question you already know the answer. The financial downside from hiring an attorney can be limited fairly easily. The downside of a poor divorce settlement and everything that comes with it cannot, and will cost more than just money.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 11:33 PM
6

Being a "zealous advocate" for one's client is a professional/ethical requirement. She does not know the full story because my ex provided her an extraordinarily biased account of facts Pretty much this. Attorneys know what their clients tell them and follow clients' instructions as far as the law allows. They also don't enjoy being lied to by those same clients.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 11:31 PM
2

https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jlkko5/deleted_by_user/mk5cudo/
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:02 PM
1

the value of what item goes down and he’ll pay her less for it but he will also have the money for legal fees this, basically. but you/your father need to consult with an attorney. there are pitfalls here and a lot of things don't work the same way everywhere. you cannot take advice for this kind of situation from strangers on the internet
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 08:34 AM
1

this is a good comment
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 06:23 AM
1

TLDR since I don't think I made it clear: mom says "that's mine". dad says "well really it's ours according to you and since some of it is mine according to you then I'm going to use it to pay for representation in our legal dispute". At least this is how it works sometimes in some places.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 06:21 AM
2

20lbs. Learn to cook if you don't already. It's fun.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 06:17 AM
2

Trying to fight this without a lawyer is like trying to fight a crocodile in the water with your flipflops and your dick. Her attorney will drag your father under to drown. Depending on the state (and how the laws work, and and and and...) he may be entitled to cash out or take out loans against purported shared assets to cover the costs of his legal representation and translator costs. These things vary, but courts tend to frown upon a privileged litigant using their finances to beat up an oppo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 06:15 AM
3

I'm about your age and still asking a lot of the same questions, some time on now. I know of many successful marriages, but also many unsuccessful ones. An older friend is on his fourth - I frankly have no idea what is going on in his head, there. My appetites have changed. I am less interested in commitment. Less interested in sex. Just as ready to forgive, but far more ready to express annoyance. And if I do ever date again with the intention of children someday, what age would be appropriate …
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 05:45 AM
10

Pull the kids out of private school. Use the money to hire a housekeeper and get back into your hobbies or whatever it is you actually enjoy, whether that's alone or with your kids. Therapy for yourself solo and for the two of you together is also probably on the cards. You don't have to tell her that you go solo and it's probably best that you don't. I made a few mistakes. The first one was staying too long and ignoring red flags. The second was forcing myself into whatever shape my then wife t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 05:37 AM
2

“If she wanted to, she would”
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 03:07 PM
1

I cook, clean, vaccuum, fold laundry, and I do everything cut it out. it's not helping, it even be doing the opposite
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 04:09 AM
1

Note that I didn't say to exclude anyone or everyone from that category. It's a question to ask, and only with other corroborating information does it become something to be wary of.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 08:49 PM
5

With the right two people it can be. I'd consider this place a lesson on red flags to know and to look for, not a demonstration on why one should never get married. I'm the product of successful marriages. Mine was not. A lot of that is due to my own mistakes, and not listening to my own intuition. Intuition is your brain telling you something it doesn't have words for yet, or that part of you isn't ready to hear. In my case it was saying "this person is not in control of herself and this is onl…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 07:29 AM
6

Is this normal behaviour ? No. You caught a bad one and you can't change her. Borderline personality here, classic, all the way as you've described. You should look inside yourself to try and understand why you were so willing to take her claims of emotionally unavailable blah blah so seriously. Her dad came to place to pick up all her stuff and her gifts, he was crying, saying he doesnt recognize his daughter. This is his wishful thinking just as much as your own. You're young and you're gettin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 05:05 AM
21

She is just going to see the notes ripped out on the table and a sticky note that says “I know” This will feel good but I wouldn't do it until the ink is dry on the judge's signature. She's filed for an uncontested divorce, don't give her any reason to lawyer up and change her mind.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 05:00 AM
1

You will be tying one another's income - and one another's debts - together. What if she runs out and blows up credit cards, or defaults on her car note, or doesn't pay her taxes? Those creditors will come after you, too. Do not do this thing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 04:26 AM
3

I raised my voice a few octaves and pointed at her. (As she did to me) no squaring up or bad language etc. Now she’s saying I scare her and make her afraid. Have a recording of said incident and it’s a non event. This is already getting dangerous for you and I'd already be retaining a lawyer with experience in these matters. Do not take that threat lightly. She won’t go to counselling which disappoints me. Personally I'd begin setting conditions on the continuance of the marriage. "Let's go to c…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 04:20 AM
1

Lastly, because I think it needs to be said: don't get divorced if you can at all avoid it. Getting divorced sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 04:15 AM
2

Apparently my vacuuming wasn't "good enough".
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 04:14 AM
1

I'd start with you both needing therapy, separately and together. From her standpoint: being stuck in a house all day is practically a recipe for depression. Especially if there is no planned "extracurricular" activity, and especially if that activity isn't something physical like the gym or even a walk. Especially if she's at home with the 4yo. How long has she been working remote? How often does she leave the house during the week? Have you noticed any change for the worse in her diet, persona…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 04:12 AM
2

Same. I got a reality check when I was staying in a friends' guest bedroom during my divorce. They were also a recently married couple and it was like - wait - you guys actually assume good faith with one another? You aren't walking on eggshells? No one is berating anyone else because there's dust on the sofa table? Things aren't perfect and that's okay?
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:57 AM
5

17 years good lord, man. This is basic passive aggression. One way to handle it is to call its bluff. “Why are you getting so angry?” And she would say, “I’m not angry.” "OK, cool" and then I would go on with my day. She wants to be angry? Let her be angry. She wants to say she isn't? Great! We're all adults here (I hope) and words mean things. you are not responsible for someone else's emotions. want the best for them, want to support them, fine, want them to be happy, fine. but you cannot make…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 05:47 AM
4

I’m scared this is going to spiral into an even bigger legal battle It'll be big regardless of what you do or do not do. I’ll somehow get painted as the bad guy this would happen regardless, and will - don't let it dissuade you I would not drop those charges, at least not without speaking with an attorney, weighing pros and cons, and spending a lot of time thinking about it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 02:14 AM
1

He fears being made out to be a villain and he definitely will be seen as one and I just don't think it's quite fair. No matter how generous, gentle or fair he is , he's going to be seen as the worst guy in the world. What does he fear exactly? My advice to someone in this situation would be that they need to ignore what unspecified others see or think and get on with their lives, do what they must to make themselves happy. "You have to do what I think you should do or I'll have a worse opinion …
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 12:50 AM
5

when people say something is over, listen. It usually takes a lot to say that. Retain a divorce attorney. They can get things teed up if it goes full left and you actually need to file. Most importantly, they can set your expectations for what your financial world will be like after. Your wife probably has no idea what she is in for. Second, most importantly: stop buying into your wife's worldview. Her happiness is her problem. One thing I’m really finding hard to deal with how she has put me do…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 12:22 AM
2

Now if I attempt to divorce her, does she take half the equity of the house that I bought? Depends on where you are and what the laws are, but you may keep your down payment if you can trace it to assets acquired prior to marriage. You need qualified family law counsel, yesterday. We’ve been married for about four months now, and it’s been the worst four months of my life. she doesn’t give me any freedom, everyday she tells me I’m not doing something good enough, she yells, she screams, she does…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 10:15 AM
4

This kind of smokescreen is typical. Ultimately: they are not your family anymore, to the extent that they ever were. You should stop talking to them.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 03:30 AM
2

This behavior is a good filter for "person is or is not worth your time of day", in my experience. Very useful when you start dating again.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 09:56 PM
2

Talk to an attorney before putting cameras anywhere inside the home. Their presence can be given as evidence that you are a "peeping Tom", spying, harassment, etc. Local laws vary on this, and getting it wrong can get you in a lot of trouble.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 05:59 AM
1

Seconding this. Everyone wants to do books and YouTube and those are valuable. But there's no replacement for someone to watch and coach while you do the movements. Is your squat toes forward, or toes out? Books will try to teach the latter but the former can be better depending on stuff like hip width and femur length. Are your hips flexible enough to deadlift safely? You can't get this stuff in a video.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 04:56 AM
8

You are well on your way to very serious trouble. You need to retain an attorney and run this past them yesterday. They will probably tell you to file for a restraining order. Document everything. If this continues the police will show up. You will both go for a ride, best case.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 04:47 AM
6

How did you know it was time to call it quits? A few things. The big one was when she threatened to invite the police over to "make me listen", because I wasn't agreeing with her. Others: If I stayed married for much longer, the divorce would become much more expensive. The realization that I was looking out for her happiness, but no one was looking out for mine. The realization that she knew this and used her emotions to get what she wanted from me. The sense that I was playing a rigged game. I…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 04:42 AM
9

You might have grounds for a domestic violence restraining order, depending on your local laws. Check with your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 08:02 AM
2

Buddy of mine looks like a fat Polish guy, because he is. Receding hairline, protruding gut, wardrobe from an Old Navy clearance rack, drives a Kia shitbox when he's not riding his bicycle. He hits waaay out of his league because he's confident, funny, and thoroughly himself. He always has a story to tell, and he ends up doing all of the most interesting things almost by accident. Woman doesn't want to sleep with him? That's okay, next in line. Got a problem with the car? Fuck you, walk. He's cu…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 04:54 AM
2

Some women love the bald look. Shave it and get jacked. Or don't, but own it either way. Confident, assertive, bald and overweight will be a winner. Unsure, cringing, bald, and overweight won't work. Do what you have to do in order to feel better about yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 02:00 AM
3

WA state has a legal concept called "committed intimate relationship", which (frustratingly) reinvents common law marriage from first principles. There's no spousal support, because there's no marriage, but assets can be characterized as "communal". And if you have a marriage license from wherever you're from then I bet you are married legally in WA, but I'm really not sure. I am not a lawyer, and this is not legal advice. Does everything get divided 50/50? Sort of. Hopefully you can trace when …
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 04:28 AM
6

I was confronted with a choice: give up all of my happiness for my woman or lose my woman and keep the happiness that was left. I chose the latter. No regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 02:45 AM
3

I would stay clear of it. As others have said the relationship is more likely to fall apart without your help. And corporate HR departments tend to give little credence to complaints from outside the company, unless they come with potential legal liability and/or on an attorney's letterhead. They get the "former spouse trying to torpedo employee" schtick all the time. Most that probably happens is your wife gets quietly shuffled off under another manager. At that point there's nothing preventing…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 02:43 AM
1

You will need a forensic accountant to trace any investment. Your attorney probably has someone they like. Any income related to the business is probably joint in some way. Buckle up, this can get complicated.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 05:29 AM
8

Speaking as someone who did what you are doing around the same time in my life: stop. Quit drinking and quit jumping prematurely into serious relationships. I'm guessing you have a pretty good job? That's what a lot of women are after. Money, trips to wherever at your expense because you want to show them how much you care about them. Joke. I had girls I only knew a couple months trying to baby trap me, more than once. You don't want that shit. Cancel the booze, hit the gym, get a trainer. Read …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 05:16 AM
1

my boys 18/22 want me to leave I doubt this, unless there's some other circumstance you haven't conveyed here. It's your house. Don't move out. They're adults and so are you, they can give it to you straight and without her editorializing - or live elsewhere, if they really feel that way. I expect they've seen enough of divorce in the lives of their friends to not be so blasé about it. Go to a therapist. Get a personal trainer, if you have the cash to lay out. Decide what you want to become and …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 05:10 AM
5

Something I’ve tried: Get a notebook. Write down all the nastiness she put you through, the things that made you leave. The things that you would never tolerate in any future partner. Don’t look at it. Put it away. But when you’re missing her most, when you’re thinking “maybe I should go back, remember the good times” - get it out and review it. Remember why you left. Your brain forgets the bad stuff first. It’s painful to remember, and human beings tend to avoid pain. It’s also part of the heal…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 07:39 AM
2

Gosh I changed my whole life around for her.. I let my female friends go, all my single friends go because being married it was somehow just harder to do things because I had to ask or she didn’t want me gone often… I got out the military because she didn’t wanna move. Started a business but sold it because she couldn’t be the supportive partner I needed to build my success and complained constantly about me being gone… Question: what would happen if you stopped doing this, and stayed married? I…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 05:18 AM
1

I would recommend having an attorney present for mediation representing you, having gone through the process myself.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 07:35 PM
2

You should coordinate this with your attorney. It may be best to say nothing at all and let the process servers do their thing.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 07:32 PM
1

the 2 times I found alcohol hidden in one of the kids rooms People who have a healthy relationship with alcohol don't do this.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 07:31 AM
3

Sometimes but it’s wildly inconsistent. No one is ever anything all the time. What are your boundaries? What behavior are you willing or not willing to accept, and walk away if those boundaries are not respected? Pretend your son was telling you these things, in perfect detail. What would you suggest he do?
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:32 AM
2

You need to speak with a divorce attorney first. All of your assets will come out during discovery and trying to conceal stuff is never a good plan. I do have a 401k, but she has not helped in putting any money away for retirement. Community property state? You might share more assets than you think you do.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:24 AM
2

Set boundaries and don't ignore early red flags, is my advice. There were a few points in my engagement when I should have told her that she could take her attitude home if she wanted to have it. I loved her and didn't want her to be angry with whatever the fight was about and just wanted someone I could be kind to. I also knew that she would probably give me her ring back, in that scenario, and I'd already told her that if that happened she wouldn't be getting it back. (This was one rule that I…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:19 AM
1

she already asked me to sell my motorcycle You don't need to sell anything you don't want to. Fact is I wouldn't unless you have some other reason for it. If you like the bike then keep it. If you're worried about her selling it out from under you then stash the title in a safe deposit box, with a trusted relative, whatever. Did you acquire the bike and the pointy things during the marriage? she's going to ask for some of that equity How much equity are we talking? Unless they are worth more tha…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 06:49 AM
1

You're in a men's forum, so a lot of the viewpoint you'll get here will be slanted to men. Nonetheless: The biggest thing I'm getting out of this is that you already want to be divorced and you already think the relationship is over. You're waiting for permission - from who, I'm not sure, but this post comes across as a request for such. I don’t want my children to grow in a broken family What is your family now? What examples are you setting for your children? He won’t and refuses to file his t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 07:20 PM
3

One other note, in addition to what I and others have said here: all of the meal-prep techniques become critical if you are spending time in the gym (as most of us should be). After work and a lift I don't want to do much more than reheat and serve.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 07:09 PM
1

I'm buying Kirkland Signature. Says "not from concentrate" and "organic" but I bet you're right. Nothing matches up with the $18/qt unpasteurized stuff from Whole Foods that is squeezed onsite, it is like drinking the orange.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 07:08 PM
2

If you run out: those plastic containers can be purchased in bulk from restaurant supply stores for very little money. They've changed a lot of how I cook.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 07:04 PM
2

Honestly if you're a professional chef you're probably way ahead of most of us. With that said: I focus on things I can prepare in bulk in single servings, then make ready quickly. Burritos: rice, cheese, shredded roast chicken, salsa, stir fry veggies. Vacuum seal individually and freeze. They travel well to the office. Similarly with chili con carne (freeze in 12oz delis, serve over rice) and baked ziti. Speaking of shredded cheese, that gets frozen in the 12oz delis too. I focus on (relativel…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 06:39 AM
5

What is she doing to help you? And what is she doing to help the marriage along, financially or otherwise? (I doubt the answer is very much if she’s threatening separation, but regardless.) What would you change if you were divorced? How would you make your business work better, or otherwise shift?
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 01:41 AM
8

I’m not accused of “not doing my share of the emotional labor” and “not contributing to the household” when I fail to plan social gatherings I was indifferent about going to with friends that aren’t mine, when I select a paint color in under 30 minutes without changing my mind twice, etc
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:10 PM
2

I’ve never met my attorney in person and it’s been fine. Be prepared to answer why you want to hire an attorney in another state than the one you live in.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:04 PM
7

This sounds familiar. I'd be less certain that she's sleeping with someone else, unlike some others here. Regardless: she's certainly thought about it, done some planning around it, fantasized. It's as much of a symptom as it is a cause. She doesn't "feel good" in the relationship. This feeling may have nothing to do with you. She now thinks she can "feel good" somewhere else and with someone else. How she feels probably has nothing to do with you. Maybe you said something wrong one day, maybe s…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:13 AM
1

Get it in writing. If you don't have a piece of paper with something signed between you and her it doesn't count. She may change her mind on the annulment once she sees dollar signs.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 03:07 AM
2

Don't. She'll hold it over you for the rest of your days.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 06:24 AM
8

I look at the 40+ women on dating they almost all ‘want children’ yeah, I see this too. Hilariously, I dated a twentysomething obstetrician. She had a very hard-eyed view of the risks of geriatric pregnancy - yes, that's what it's called when mom is past 35.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 02:11 AM
3

Agree with your take. It absolves the speaker for the failure of their marriage, and (more importantly) for their tolerance of shitty behavior that would otherwise impugn their self-respect. People don't want to ask themselves why they put up with BS for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 01:50 AM
1

My questions are these, am I being an asshole keeping this thing going, knowing she's not what I want, if I wanted something? I keep trying to kind of get her to move on, but she is determined to keep this going. Am I just not ending this cause I don't want to hurt somebody like my STBX hurt me? Am I just thinking with my dick? She's a grownup. You've already told her that you aren't ready for anything serious and might not be. She can decide to end it (or not). Stop second-guessing yourself. Wo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 08:16 AM
6

The restraining order is an excellent idea. You will want to get one before she pulls one on you, and “first to the courthouse” matters here. Guarantee she’d be getting one if the shoe were on the other foot, and she might still try for one anyway. GET A LAWYER
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 03:49 AM
7

well the good news is she’ll be too out of breath to lunge more than once
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 02:19 AM
11

People on dating apps want to be "interesting", which usually means posed up on a mountainside, or with a candlelit dinner in an exotic locale. They do not (and are not meant to) give you an idea of what life will be like with that person.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:06 PM
8

We were intimate lastnight. Look out for the baby trap. You already have three, but she could have you on the hook for another full eighteen years. We both want to avoid lawyers. So we are self filing Might still be worth quietly consulting with an attorney on the terms of this agreement. She doesn't need to know you have done so. Personally I can't imagine getting divorced without an attorney, but it's your call. When I brought up starting paperwork today she said for me to wait. That she wants…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 07:05 AM
5

tl;dr: you should be conveying this earlier. Whether you are TAH with this woman is not material, because you should cut loose and wish her well. She does not have the emotional maturity and control to self-regulate so now she's asking you to do it. This is a great way to get divorced a second time. In my mind, this is MY personal history of which I fully expected to share when I felt comfortable doing so…which is what I did. It's not your responsibility to manage her emotions for her. With that…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 06:42 AM
1

Mediation seems to be the way to go however the people I have called give me limited info since they're mediators themselves and want to remain neutral in case I hire them. Mediation usually comes with (IMO, always should) both parties hiring their own separate attorneys. This sounds expensive, but it is still cheaper than trial.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 01:20 AM
5

I haven't watched Mad Men in years but there's a voiceover bit from the main character that hit me, after I started dating again: "She wants me to know her, but I already do." I've felt similar to you for the past year or so. I've still gone on dates, some of them with gorgeous women. But I'm far less interested in the physical part of things, and the level of effort I'm willing to expend on a relationship is also much reduced. I don't care for a chase. Pornography is also a bore. I haven't rule…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 01:13 AM
4

I know a couple who did this. She doesn't work aside from telling him what to do and spending his money. He's slowly turned into a functioning alcoholic. Would not recommend.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 12:58 AM
7

Leave her in the rearview mirror. It doesn't matter what mental disorder she has or doesn't.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 12:43 AM
6

Been there, done this. Worst and most likely case is a forced sale of the home and you both take a haircut on the proceeds. Best case, she really wants the place and has the separate cash to buy you out of it. Word of advice: any deal that doesn't involve her immediately refinancing and asusming sole responsibility for the debt on the property is a bad one.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 12:40 AM
3

my STBX has obviously grown infuriated with the lack of contact with the children, especially because my girlfriend has been around them I doubt she has a leg to stand on unless your girlfriend is abusive or has some kind of criminal history. Or would that potentially open up an avenue for her to take advantage of my admittance of guilt? Yes IMO, or at least that your current approach is wrong. "He shouldn't have primary custody, your honor, he said so himself." Say nothing without advice from y…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 08:12 AM
1

my STBX has obviously grown infuriated with the lack of contact with the children, especially because my girlfriend has been around them I doubt she has a leg to stand on unless your girlfriend is abusive or has some kind of criminal history. Or would that potentially open up an avenue for her to take advantage of my admittance of guilt? Yes IMO, or at least that your current approach is wrong. "He shouldn't have primary custody, your honor, he said so himself." Say nothing without advice from y…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 08:12 AM
7

In the latter months of my marriage my emotions and vulnerability - past or present - were wielded against me as a cudgel. This after "I like that you can be vulnerable with me" and "I love that you're not afraid to show your whole self" and so on. I still would not change how I operated in the relationship, in this regard. A partner I must consistently censor myself for is no partner at all. If I'm going to have that I'd rather have a hookup or a short-term girlfriend. Then there's no confusion…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 08:08 AM
16

Others have already mentioned a few. poor employment history: firings, stretches of unemployment, short tenure sexual promiscuity; using sex as a means of validation negative self-image, body dysmorphia overspending and a general inability to comprehend the effects of compound interest later on: belittling, silent treatment
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 05:22 AM
4

Your ability to improve your life contrasts and reflects her inability/unwillingness to do so - a distinction without a difference. She resents it, but one can't just walk out and say this. "I hate that my husband has become a better person." But she does, probably because she secretly hates herself. (This is also getting into forms of clinical depression, but women don't like when you raise concerns for their mental health, in my experience.) This instance may sound petty but she is a massive p…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 08:37 AM
1

never bothered to get a lawyer and file herself (despite telling me she had one and would be filing) This seems like a common occurrence and I can't figure out why. Why say it if you aren't going to follow through?
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 04:12 AM
2

Is there a divorce for dummies? There's the sidebar to start, but realistically you need an attorney. Everything will vary depending upon your situation and where you live. An hour's free consult will do a lot to set your expectations and give you some next steps. Her last comment to me was that she would just sign the parent loans on her own. This to me is the core issue. Your wife is willing to simply ignore your needs if it means getting her own way. She has a fixed set of ideas (sourced from…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/24 09:07 PM
4

This sounds like a baby trap. Avoid.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 04:48 AM
8

im still wanting reconciliation You can't sleep with other people and hope to maintain any credibility about wanting reconciliation.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 05:20 AM
2

from the conversations that I've had: an attorney will likely instruct you to catch up the payments on her behalf, then sue for reimbursement and damages. I can't speak for what those damages would look like. If the loan is behind on payments it is already affecting your credit. Litigation almost certainly will not move fast enough to avoid endangering your home purchase.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 05:02 AM
3

I've been accused of not pulling my weight because I spent all day "having fun in the yard" [weeding flowerbeds]. You only get one life, it shouldn't be like this. It sounds like you have some support from your kids so lean on that. Also if she does get physical or threatens to (or has a history of such that you can corroborate) then that is pretty clear grounds from a restraining order, and you could have her barred from the home. Get an attorney and a therapist, in that order. Also: if this is…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:57 AM
4

my brother in christ when your own children are saying it's time to split, it's time you need the best possible attorney you can afford. I would expect an equitable conclusion to factor earning potential of either party. but i am not a lawyer and all of this depends on where you live did you purchase the home before/after you married this person? similarly, when did you pay it off?
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 04:36 AM
3

After she threatened to phone police in a bid to win an argument about how I wasn't cleaning the kitchen to her standard? No. Before that it might have been recoverable. With a lot of apologies on both sides, and tears, and therapy, and an end to the emotional volatility and threats of infidelity.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/24 02:10 AM
1

In some places mediation is not only an alternative to trial, it's required beforehand. Usually done by a retired judge or experienced litigator who tells each party separately what they should expect at trial - the cost, and the uncertainty. It's not a warm fuzzy process.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 03:08 AM
9

Drag you into court on a restraining order for harassment, depending on what you say and how you say it. Why take the chance? This is a bad idea.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 04:51 AM
1

I did the dishes (not up to her standard) and constantly picked up the house. She felt like my contributions were not good enough and said she wanted a “partner” and not a child. New account here. I heard this more than a few times personally. It's manipulation. At best, it's a post-hoc rationalization for something she was going to do anyway. At worst, it's a malicious let-me-see-the-puppet-dance act. You deserve someone you can trust when you are all in and your lives are on the line. Someone …
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 12:08 AM
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