Hi, just discovered this sub.

I’m almost 30F, never had a romantic relationship or even dated one person more than a month, and a virgin. Only experienced kissing and hand holding, twice. I’ve read through a lot of the material on this sub I relate to, and feel like I’ve always been the girl who has to chase the men, and I really hate it. I feel like I’m good at turning away the fuck boys or men who treat me disrespectfully in general. But when it comes to attractive men who are also great at being caring, kind, putting in effort, etc they aren’t attracted to me. I’m healthy, have social circles, hobbies both social and individual, I’m considered physically attractive but not in a universal sense and mostly when I put in effort. I work in HR at a non profit that hires a lot of people with challenging barriers, I run the orientations so I am great at public speaking and communicating with people in general. I’m told often I make someone’s days better with my patience and empathy. I have a therapist too so I’m keeping my mental health in check, I explain all my problems with her so she can give me objective perspectives.

The only men I attract are men who are a combination of both physically unattractive and shitty, lazy personalities, especially ones who expect ME to do all the work, like take care of them. For The longest time I followed the philosophy that “men love it when women initiate more because they show confidence” because that’s their biggest complaint about dating. What I didn’t realize was the men who said that were doing so because they kept getting rejected or never bothered to ask women out at all. Women don’t seem to like them for reasons x y z, and I knew because I was one of them! I’ve even went out with them to broaden my options and lower my standards, but good god that only showed me why I have them in the first place! I am very attracted to men that either my pheromones tell me I’m into, or there’s some back and forth banter with chemistry. I want to also note that Even if a man is very physically attractive, if he’s a jerk or anything personality wise that I wouldn’t want in a partner, I let them go (I can’t say I wouldn’t get attached if we had sex, I honestly am unsure since I’ve never got that far).

Unfortunately most of the men I feel that chemistry with when I first meet them are already taken, so they’re off the table. I also notice men who are taken treat me significantly better than single men. At a bar hangout They ask me if I want a drink and get it, or get me a water bottle, open doors, ask me questions about myself, etc. single men never seem to put in any effort, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve paid for a man. It makes me feel like....not feminine. I try to be more feminine by “allowing” men to pay for me, or drive, text me first, or whatever, but they rarely do. The few men who claim to like me are so tough to get through a date with, they can’t have a back and forth conversation, yet proceed to tell me “you’re amazing and beautiful and sexy” but when I ask what sport do I play every week, they can’t even remember! (Dodgeball).

I posted something on the DatingOverThirty sub and it got deleted because vents aren’t allowed. Today I posted a vent on the ForeverAlone sub today, I’ve done it a few times before, but this time the first two responses were so rude! Claiming I’m conceited and picky only going after men who are more attractive than what I have to offer, that I don’t have it as bad as they do, and to fuck off and go somewhere else. I think it’s because I stated please don’t PM me, when I post there I always get PMs that start as a empathetic conversation then eventually becomes “I want to be that guy for you” like dude I’m here to VENT, I want to meet guys IRL (online dating was a shit show, I don’t do it anymore ).

So anyway. I’ve been doing things alone a lot most of my life and while sometimes it’s fine and I enjoy it, most of the time I’d rather be with someone else. Friends and family are great but I want intimacy, touching and connection, through a romantic relationship. Idk what to do now. I feel like when I try to make myself approachable it doesn’t work. But if I initiate I set the precedent for how it will always be. Over time I got better and better at letting go of men who didn’t meet me halfway, except it’s very rare when I’m involved with a man at all. But now I wish I could experience what it’s like for a man to put me first, not because he wants sex, but he actually likes ME not just the attention.

Idk what to do. I want to believe I can be with who I want to be with, but it’s never happened before. I don’t lower my standards just so someone can “pick me”, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. I feel like I’m more confident as a person than most of my girl friends who have SOs, but they don’t have the problem I have of lack of mutual attraction.

I should also mention I’m middle eastern, a lot of my upbringing was based on cultural expectations. My parents aren’t as strict or closed minded as my other friends the same age and culture, so I really appreciate that, but some values still hold, like having a family. I don’t have to date within my culture to please them, so that’s nice. But even on my own terms I can’t meet a man I like who is a match.

I’m not sure what else to do. Is there anyone else on this sub who was like me but then figured it out and met someone? I get the whole “make your life about you and not a man / don’t put value in yourself based on having a man.” I get that, shit I’ve been the one who has to remind OTHER women about that. But I feel like I want my turn now. I want it to work out for ME now.

Edit: I also want to add, the sexual frustration is what’s making this very difficult to accept being single and inexperienced. I have vibrators that are great ....but it’s not enough. I want the buildup and excitement of a man touching me throughout a date and eventually leading to sex, if I trust them. There’s no anticipation with masterbation. I also love it when men play with my hair or let me sit on their lap. I have all kinds of fantasies that I can only share if I had a man to do it. Also really want to experience receiving oral, that’s like 75% of my fantasies. I can’t do that by myself. I’m just not comfortable enough to do it with a random guy online because I’ve never done any of it before, most people get that out of the way in their 20s. Plus I’ve never been naked in front of a man so there’s some anxiety about that but I can get over that with the right guy and opportunity. I feel so starved/thirsty. I will never forget The one person I made out with with a passionate kiss . It was amazing. I would do anything to have that- and more- consistently.