I am emerging from a fog of men. I am 34 years old and something in me is changing. I am stumbling out of a fugue state. Suddenly I look in the mirror and I see a powerful, benevolent woman; a creature of beauty and grace. When you hear the words “beauty” “grace” and “woman” together, you might think of a man and how he would appreciate these things, right? But it’s not for a man. It’s for me. Only when I stopped trying to be beautiful and graceful for men was my beauty and grace allowed to emerge.

Suddenly I don’t feel awkward. Like, ever. I don’t care what people think, because I understand now that I am smart, responsible, kind, and have finally gained some real wisdom. I guess I never have cared what people think when it comes down to the wire, but the difference is now it's because I'm confident where in the past it was because I was perpetually in a survival state that didn't allow for concern about my reputation. I looked trashy to those around me but I didn't have the time to care. I was too busy surviving the deep damage done by the men in my life. You do end up looking trashy when you fall for the charms of Low Value Men (Or worse, Negative Value Men) and then have the courage, strength, and intelligence to leave them. It makes you look flighty, fucked up, confused, and a perpetual victim. Maybe you were those things. I was all of those things, but let’s not forget I was those things while still drawing from the infinite power I house within to escape every bad situation. What people didn’t see was me holding down a job, paying all the bills, doing the childrearing by myself, and moving every couple of years to escape abusive, addicted, loser men. I am aware that spending the last ten years getting myself into bad relationships and clawing myself out of an ever deeper hole with each one makes me appear trashy to those around me. It is trashy. Because I was trashing myself and treating myself, my child, and my life like trash every time I let a LVM into my world. 

But that doesn’t define me! For the first time, I have been single for many months and I have no desire to become involved with another man. I moved into a new house with my little angel of a daughter and I made every square inch of it gorgeous. We are surrounded by plants and cleanliness and you better believe I painted all my mismatched old furniture a pretty shade of pastel pink. We had a truly fresh start, physically and spiritually. I am focused on our joy only and for the first time, this is more than enough for me. My cup runneth over. I cannot imagine a man coming into the life I have now and making it better. I don’t feel that is even possible. If it ever does happen, he would have to be a real fucking gem. I feel completely liberated. Thank you FDS for being a huge part of my journey to this humble little paradise I live in now.