Ignoring the importance of physical attraction. I dated and married a man I wasn't attracted to at all. It took me 7 years to put my finger on it and accept it and eventually leave. Problem was, I'd been making this mistake my whole adult life.

For most of my teenage years I thought I was ugly. It all stemmed from there. I felt unloveable and invisible. So when guys started showing an interest, my confidence was so low that I dated people I certainty wouldn't have pursued myself. They always felt wrong. I didn't know why. If you've ever felt ugly, you’ll know what I mean by hating looks-based judgements. I didn't want to be one of those shallow people. I convinced myself that looks weren't important, it was what's on the inside that counts.

As I got into my twenties, I no longer felt ugly at all. But this behaviour and thought process was somehow engrained. Jump to age 28, and I bumped into my now-ex at one of his gigs (he's a musician). We'd gone to school together. He'd later tell me that he'd fancied me at school, and I'd wrack my brains thinking, did I fancy you? No. I didn't. But I lied and said I did. It's only sitting here now, looking back on it, that I can see I wasn't attracted to him that night at the gig. But he was sweet.

He asked me out. Sexually, we were both into some pretty crazy shit, which meant it was fun BUT it should have ended there. I was fine whilst it was new, and we were busying trying anything and everything, but break it down to bare-bones intimacy…to kissing, hugging, holding hands, love making…I wasn't interested. Yes, I know, red flag. I didn't see it though. The sex was fun, he was fun, it was fun. Off we skipped into marriage. I should also add here that he told me he loved me after 2 weeks and, not wanting to hurt him, plus being very unsure of what love should feel like, I said it back. The whole thing moved so fast.

As time moved on, I noticed the problems because they were unavoidable. As the thrill of doing new things with someone new wore off, I had to things for how they were. Brutal honesty…I didn't like his naked body. I didn't like kissing him. I wasn't attracted to his face. And I tried to like all these things. I felt shallow and awful for feeling repulsed. And guilty. Oh, god, the guilt. I wanted nothing more than to fancy him. But ultimately he was my best friend. We had fun, never argued, and felt like a team. But I remember, after having sex, thinking 'It is always going to feel like this. Like I've forced myself and put on an act. It's unfair on us both.'

I have realised that physical attraction is so important. If you don't have it at the beginning then you never will. And what may be easy to ignore at the beginning will become the biggest problem towards the end.