Ever since I started to research redpills and blackpills on relationships, I've felt extremely depressed and worthless. It was easier to deal with before I got my first girlfriend, but after having one, knowing what a woman feels like, and then breaking up before things went to shit, I just felt worse than before. I'm wondering if this is because I was taught that woman are just like you and that having a relationship with one won't be too hard if you communicate and think of each other as equals. I was taught a bunch of tradcon shit which doesn't work anymore and isn't relevant but for some reason the religious parts of my family still parrots. I wasn't raised around broken, explosive marriages and divorces, so I never saw them. All in all my upbringing was easy but I think that did more harm than good, because now I am learning the stuff I lived and saw wasn't the standard, it was the rare exception that is no longer possible preinternet.

I think I want physical contact but that isn't possible anymore without spending well over a 1000 dollars to fuck some third worlder or taking my risk with an escort. I was raised to view sex as more than pleasure which means I will never pull the trigger on a prostitute. But I am also aware of woman's nature so I won't do anything there because its suicide unless you are a literal god. I am constantly depressed and I know this is what is causing it. I am sad I will die alone, without knowing the most basic levels of affection from a woman, due to the times I was born into. I don't have to fight for a feudal lord, or work in a coal mine at 8, but I do have to deal with crippling loneliness and having nothing to believe in or work towards besides mindless hedonism. I feel like a unsuccessful loser constantly and its because I was given false hope and unrealistic expectations to live up to. Anyone else feel like this?