I'm 23, more than 8 months into my first job out of college. Make decent money, but it's an office job with 90% of my department being women. It can be alright on days where I don't have to talk to anyone and can just do my own shit. But in days where we have department meetings, I want to kill myself. The passive aggressive tones, fakeness, playing the blame game when they don't do their jobs, etc. Horror show. I am already beginning to search for other jobs to swing over to because I know I can't stand being here for several years.

Also I'm still in the middle of swallowing the red pill. I've never had sex, and it's only because I wanted it to mean something and to be able to trust and truly love a woman. I know I could pay for it and get it over with, but I'll never do that. When I was in my teens up until now I would hit up girls I went to school with in hopes that it would lead to something. It doesn't matter how good of shape I'm in, it never made a difference. I used to see beautiful girls and think about how much I would love them if they felt the same about me, and about 6 months ago it finally hit me that it'll NEVER happen.

So here I am, with a job I don't love around people I don't love. I live alone which is great, but sometimes I do get lonely after a while without any human contact. Even when I do travel to visit friends, I find myself looking at beautiful women and feeling like crap again. Makes me feel like such shit. I understand how awful they are, but I just want to love and be loved just once. But it'll never happen. I don't know where to go from here.

The thing that keeps my head up is that I am very good at my job, and although sometimes it feels bad because the people around me suck, I have the gratification knowing that I'm very good at what I do. I also have hobbies, and am fortunate enough to live a decently comfortable life. I feel like I've been trying to swallow the red pill for so long though and I keep wanting women.