Since the quarantines it really pushed me into writing this as I may not get to soon. Honestly not sure what to say other than my life story and what led me to here.

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I am the oldest child having on other brother. My parents divorced when I was seven. I can remember the arguing and fighting that went on. I remember listening to my mother destroy stuff and put holes through walls during these arguments. She drove my father away with extreme jealousy and psychotic fits. Which I don't fully blame on her, because some asshole man slit her throat open with a knife. However, I do blame her for never getting help, for running away with my dad into another state where we had no alternative family members and for initiating the divorce. I was in first grade at the time. The fighting got worse until my father stopped showing up at home. Then out of the blue my father was awarded joint custody that leaned more towards my mother. Wasn't 50/50. I don't recall anyone asking my opinion who I wanted to live with. It was decided for me and that brought me a lot of hate and resentment. It was tough for awhile, but I figured things could be okay. I had huge attachment towards my dad than my mom. Things didn't last. My father wanted to be a better person I guess I don't know the situation for sure but he was in a gang at the time and tried to quit. Of course quitting usually means death. I remember being woken up at 2am in the middle of the night with my dad worried to all hell but never explaining what happened. Just that we had to go now and run. We walked several miles home, but he wouldn't take us to our mom's but a friend of his. We waited till dawn. After that memory is hazy. I didn't see my dad anymore from then on.

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My mom had full custody and that was a nightmare. As we were growing up she would belt me a lot. For every fucking little thing that she deemed wrong. For an example we were at day care and I taught this girl the word nuts. It was a funny joke because I don't think she was fully capable in the head so she would just blurt it out. I got caught and got belted by my mother at least 7 times. Shit like this happened a lot. My grades dropped I saw no future no will to live and this was at such a young age. My brother also was a problem. Young brother fat as hell at the time. He would always do shit to manipulate me. Blackmail me for what he wanted if I didn't he would tell on me and then I would be belted. If he didn't get what he want he would mess with my stuff. If I ever hit him or punish him for this shit he did to me I would have to do all kinds of shit just to make him happy or else I get the belt. This went on for years.

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My body has also been dealt a bad hand right from the start. Born with many issues including a bad or deformed him from birth complications, Hernia, just easily very sickly. Of course at 6 months old I had like 2 surgeries. Later down the line I would end up having at least three more. Two of them was for major hip reconstruction. I think they called it a Salter Osteotomy. Because of things like this I got into reading heavy books. Biology anatomy electrical engineering. I started to understand more and more and this was at 10 years old. Still my brother was a complete shit and my mother didn't change. I never did try in school at all even though I was reading these complicated books for someone so young.

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My mother has tried dating other men but these guys were for a lack of a better term literally chads. Just this big buff men that she would meet at the gym. Most never stayed longer than a year. Two did one she of course drove away with her jealousy and the other she married, but he was a legit devout Muslim. She knew this and knew how they practiced their faith and still married him. Well guess what he wanted a harem and she didn't like that so that didn't last either. We had no father figure at all let alone a parental figure. She would be asleep a lot. When she wasn't she was at the gym working out or just at work. So when she wasn't around I had to deal with my brothers shit. When she was around I had to deal with her and she was very easy to upset and agitated often.

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She would tell us how bad out father was. How he left us and never wrote us letters. (I later found out my dad tried but he was in and out of prison for child support issues and she would never give us the letters he sent. Not only that, but she knew where he was and never told us.) I did not believe and held out hope but life at home got worse I would always be in trouble at school and at home. She taught me to never have a back bone never have self confidence never stand up for myself or I would get belted. I got tired so very tired being there. I tried to run away twice. Cops got me and brought me right on back home like she wasn't abusing me. Hell SHE ON TWO OCCASIONS PINNED ME TO THE WALL BY MY THROAT. In and out of therapy on and off meds nothing worked.

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Finally my father came back around 13 and showed us he wanted to be there for us. He couldn't stay, but he did show he wanted to be around. With life the way it was and how much trouble I got in my mother said "If you keep this up I'll send you to your father." At the time I thought this was a permanent thing so I fucking took it. I had to get out of there. I went to highschool in the state my dad lived in and stayed with him. He took care of me but seeing the situation he was in compared to my mom was disgusting. He never had money for anything barely had food constantly numerous times watched him lose his job and license due to child support payments. When I saw my moms lift style I learned that I couldn't trust what she had to say. Things got bad really bad. My emotional out burst got bad were very self destructive. He didn't know what to do. He hasn't had experience taking care of a child let alone a highly intelligent hormonal teenager who believed that nothing in the world had any meaning. Spent most of my life at home on the computer playing video games and reading stuff like science biology and math. Whatever held my curiosity. I turned 17 and school got to hard. Got held back twice and said fuck it. With all the bullying and lack of friends it wasn't worth it to leave the house. My anxiety my depression just told me to give up and I did. I dropped out and just ended up being a lazy mooch of my father for a couple of years. Ended up bouncing back and forth between living situations. I went back to my moms and stayed there for a year. Tested for a high school equivalent an passed. She would pressure me to get a job often even so far to yell at me. I only ever promised I would look. Without a car without very much physical strength my options were limited. I never got called for interviews. I recall my mother giving me an application to fill out for a job at her work. It was an arcade technician. That sounded fun but I had questions like "How would I get there", "How would I get home" she yelled at me and told me to do it ignoring my questions. The irony is I got called in for an interview and when I got home after letting her know I might get it she asked me the same questions like how I would get there. This shit pissed me off to no fucking end. She did the same thing again when her bathroom lights went out. I had quite some knowledge in electrical stuff and told her to get another halogen with the same ratings. She comes home with a new one and installs it blowing her ballast because and I quote "They didn't have a 40WATT bulb so I grabbed this one." I diagnosed the ballast problem and told her and she got pissed off at me for going into her room. Then hired someone else to tell her the exact same shit. (She didn't get this fixed for a decade when I went to visit at 23 and repaired it myself) I got tired and basically blew up on her. Told her how I felt and how shitty of a person she was. I got kicked out and went back to live with my dad.

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I am 18 by this point at I feel completely worthless and hate myself for leaching off my family. Ended up meeting a woman in a video game maplestory at the time. She was amazing and a lot of fun. Spent a lot of time with her and we ended up "dating" It was a long distance relationship. I of course put her on a platform and made my whole life about her. Ended up getting two seasonal jobs made some money visited her a couple of times. After four years moved in with her and her family because we were getting evicted out of our home. That didn't last. She got to see first hand how self destructive I could be. The stress from living in a new state living with my girlfriend and pressure from her family as well as some of them hated me I just couldn't keep myself together. She dumped me about after a year and started dating a new guy before I even moved out. I attempted suicide by downing some pills so she could see how she hurt me but I lived. I moved back in with my dad and my ex cut all contact with me even after I have made several attempts. A year passes I go to therapy I get on meds but still nothing is working and my dad is getting very angry with me that I am 23 and completely useless. I decided fuck it either go to school or kill myself. I choose school. The community college in this state gave me extreme anxiety even stepping on campus so I went to ITT Tech 60 miles away. It was tough very hard to go, but I did it and I fucking acceled. 4.0 GPA in electrical engineering straight A's and fully understanding what I am doing. Of course this is ITT Tech so the bar isn't that high but some of these older people are as dumb as a box of rocks. DOE got on ITT Tech and forced them to shut down part way through my degree. I had an option go to another strange for profit school with insane debt or clear it all out and start over. I chose the later

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Went to the community college that gave me anxiety. But I think ITT Tech helped me over come it enough to attend. The Pell grant has so far paid for everything so no loans atm. Anxiety was still bad and had to get an accessibility waiver to allow me to miss classes (On the caveat I got my work in on time which I did). To get this I needed to see a professional psychologist. They tested me and told me I had an overall IQ of 131 and a linguistic score of 127. I know my writing doesn't show that so I am not sure how accurate these numbers are but at the time of writing this I have a GPA of 3.92 and taking an general engineering degree.

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With my time on the internet the rage and anger from my life situation feeling like a worthless man and the break up I stumbled into things like the red pill and MGTWO I believe I first saw this from a youtuber called Paul Elam. Some of what he said really pissed me off inside made me angry but also spoke to me in a way no one has in a long time. From there I started watching videos upon videos and stumbled onto here.

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In some ways I think it helped me better myself in ways talk therapy and medications are just unable to do. I am standing up for myself more not giving a shit about other peoples wants and needs especially women who are just using me for my grades and work ethic. And I am pushing forward. I still have a lot of blue pill mentality I am still trying to fight off, but due to my habits of running away and my extremely self controlling and restricting nature I have etched some path to progress in bettering myself. Used some Pell grant money to invest in a moped which has been so useful in getting me around town and reducing my anxiety of being outside the house. I've learned so much Math and Science that I wasn't able to and ITT Tech and I plan on transferring to get my bachelors in Electrical Engineering. I don't know what I will do with these degrees or what career, but I love technology and electricity and I am decently good at it. I have my own work bench and do repair electrical devices when I can.

Life is still very draining both physically(hip) and emotionally painful. I can no longer urinate without the use of a medical tool and I am only 27 as of writing this. But I am not dead yet. I still want to continue to go my own way, but that urge for a family, one I never had, is strong. But as I see it now society has made that dream too much of a risk. So I continue to only focus on my studies and invest and save my money. I am hoping that maybe my story could others understand and maybe direct me further down this path I have chosen.

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I apologize for the huge post I left out so many details just to fit it as it is, but I thank anyone who spent the time sifting through this mess.

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And thank you for helping me not end my life long ago.

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