I had a love at first sight for a girl from a church trip for students. During the trip, we had too little time to talk to each other that we did not properly acquaint each other. She once smiled at me and I gave her a clumsy smile back.

Back to town, the church has a service for student on Wednesday and normal service on Sunday. On the first month, I saw her but I was hesitant to walk to talk to her. At the end of the month, I decided the next service to go to talk to her and even ask her out. I imagined myself in a scenario asking her out under heavy rain like in romantic film.

On the first service of the second month, I was expecting her but she did not come. So I waited for the second service but she did not come and so on. Before every service, I took a shower and perfume myself to well-present myself but she did not present herself to church. I was feeling frustrating and also at the same time I was developing oneitis for her. Almost all time every day, I was thinking about her. I even prayed to God to wish that she would show up at least once to church.

I even had a dream about her. Well it was rather a nightmare: she appeared to me crying and angry at me, she ran away from me I tried to catch her up but she ran faster and disappeared.

I tried to look for her on facebook and message her. I had a conversation with her but it was quite short. Before the exam period, I asked her out on facebook, she said that she would need to meet and talk to me face-to-face on the next service and I said ok. However on the next services, she didn't show up.

I confessed to a member that knows her. He told me that she was having some struggling time: she had a trauma and she cut herself as relief. He advised me to forget her and move on for the best of both of us.

She reminds me the girl from Forrest Gump: to the world, she looks like an angel, beautiful and smiling. However behind the scene, she is depressed, suffering mentally from trauma. She does not know that I know that about her.

Since the last time I saw her, I have been watching mgtow content, red-pill stuffs, woman nature and truth about relationships. I got angry not towards her but to women for a short period of time. Afterwards, I realised that it will never work out between me and her. She's a native british and I am an international student from minority background. Bit by bit, I stop thinking about her.

I thought that God played a bad trick on me: Man makes plan and God laughs. However then I realised that He's been trying to teach me truth about relationship.

After 6 months of not seeing her, I saw her today during service. Although I realised that things would not worked out, I would not lie that I was kind of happy to see her. After service, she joined to a group of her female friends, I was waiting for her to be alone. Then she was in hurry, I tried to go to have a chat with her but she said that she is in hurry and need to leave, she didn't seem to be interested to talk.

Shortly afterwards I left the church to go home. I saw her far away from the road while I was walking but then she disappeared like in my dream. Afterwards, I felt dumb and ridicule to have been thinking about her, having onetis, trying to talk her today. I no longer having crush for her but I don't deny a part of me wish that things would work-out. I would probably see her in next services, but I know that I should stop trying to talk to her.

I need to share this and get this out to this subreddit particularly as I believe you would most likely understand. I would like to hear what you think about this.