This is going to be all over the place. English is my first language, but I'm hair/scatter-brained at times.

To set the scene: We're (my wife and I) out having drinks, havin' a good time. We hit up a karaoke bar. One of "our spots" as it were. We're dressed to the tens and havin' a great time. I go out for a smoke (don't start, it's terrible) and am met by a woman who I will refer to as "Garth." (It was at her behest, she was a nice woman, but her hair was assuredly much like Garth from Wayne's World.)

Characters in this... Sadly not play:

Me - duh Garth - Late 30's lesbian/bi. Kayla - Garth's girlfriend

After half a smoke I'm approached by Garth just chatting as we're both smokers. (Yay community! Minus the cancer.) She asked me how my night is going and we get to chatting. Then there are some... Less than classy ladies in rather skimpy outfits (I don't give a fuck what you wear, just.... Try not to flash your junk everywhere. People would be angry if I tossed my dangle out when I got a bit too drunk.) were walking about 50 feet away from us. Kayla has recently joined us, just checking in on her girlfriend. (You will find out the why momentarily.)

Garth: Whoa, those women aren't wearing panties.

Me: Should I ask? insert chuckle here

Garth: Fuck yeah!

At this point, I am about 8 drinks down. Being a high-functioning alcoholic I'm not by any means drunk. At most I'm a bit tipsy (we had a large dinner) and I then proceed to say "Hey ladies! You wearing any panties?!" I said this WELL knowing I wasn't saying it loud enough for them to hear, and even the other smokers were curious what I had "yelled" at the 5 people (3 men, 2 women) who were approaching us rather slowly.

Kayla: That's not okay.

Me: What's not?

Kayla: You can't say things like that! (Her voice is raising at this point.)

Me: I can't harmlessly say something to the air for our own entertainment? Your girlfriend was the one who suggested it.

(Garth looks like a deer in headlights at this point.)

Kayla: It doesn't matter what she said. She can say whatever she wants to another woman. Takes deep breath while I count how many cigarettes this fucking rant is going to take before I can disprove any of the obvious bullshit that's about to come out of her mouth.) She is a woman. There's no way she could ever harm a woman the way you just did to those women. You're talking about women like they're objects. I've been raped over 20 times (Well thanks for that info. It's very apparent you're a regret = rape feminist) and I am terrified of men all the time. I can hardly walk down the street without my keys in my hand. There are women all over the world and every single woman I know is wary of men at every passing moment. There's nothing you can-"

Me: Cuts her off Wait, so you're saying you're scared of me right now?

Kayla: Yes.

Me: Why?

Kayla: Because you're male.

Me: So my existence is a problem for you?

Kayla: My friend is a psychologist and she says it's not a phobia, it's just common sense at this point.

Me: Wait, wait, wait. You can't just cite a "source" by saying they're a psychologist. You need peer reviewed-

Kayla: NO! I can! She has done the research!

Me: So.... Why aren't they circulating like crazy? I'd love to know why me simply having a cock makes me dangerous.

Kayla: You obviously don't know what you're talking about. Men beat, rape, and murder their female partners so often that it doesn't make any sense to hardly be around men.

Me: Let me unpack that a bit. Lights new cigarette First, you think it doesn't make sense to be around men but... You're at a karaoke bar where it's almost always going to be mixed genders. Then you go on to tell me I'm somehow a threat to you when I wouldn't have given you a second thought if I saw you on the street. You're just another person. All of that aside (this was my fuck up...ish) how about we talk about the study that shows women are the perpetrators of 79% of non-reciprocal domestic violence and commit domestic violence in LGBT relationships much greater than men in gay or hetero relationships?

Kayla - looks at me like I just punch-fucked her puppy, raped her girlfriend in front of her, and then proceeded to take a shit on her mothers open-casket funeral before storming back inside the bar.

Garth remains quiet for a bit before asking: Really?

Me: Really what?

Garth: Women do that stuff that much?

Me: Yeah. It's been studied.

Garth: That doesn't mean it's completely true though. Just one study.

Me: Like your girlfriend's psychology friend supposedly doing a study that's not published yet?

Garth heaves a deep breath. "Can I bum a smoke?"

I handed her a smoke. We talked about anything but the can of worms that was opened. Game of Thrones, Doom Squad, that sort of thing was discussed very briefly (using the word brevity to describe that conversation would be generous) before Kayla had opened the door to the bar, half leaning out.

Kayla: Garth! Garth! I need you for something! Hey! Garth! (She's trying to scream over me at this point) GARTH! I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING! RIGHT! NOW!

Garth frowns at how much of the cigarette she has left before giving me a the-way-you-smile-at-your-neighbor-you-don't-know smile.

I finish my cigarette in leisure before heading back in. I put in a couple of songs and "bribe" (they have a thing for that, it's not like I was budging against the general consensus) my way and my wife's way to the top of the list. Before I head up to the stage, Garth turns up next to me. She's ordering drinks for her and Kayla. I'm chatting with my wife about what just happened while she is finding it hilarious. I'm of course a bit like "Babe, not funny." She agrees and listens to my grievances. Half way through I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Garth: Hey, sorry about earlier. Kayla can be a bit... Overbearing. I'm glad we talked though. There's obviously some merit behind what you said. I'll have to look up some-

Kayla swoops in like that owl fucking up that pigeon nest gif.

Kayla: GARTH I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING! BYYYYYYYYE!

They disappear. I look at my wife and give her a "See what I mean?" look. She just starts laughing. I'm a bit like "Why the fuck is she laughing?!" After she stops giggling through the whole N*Sync song that was being sung is over she finally calms down enough to put her hand on my shoulder and sarcastically say "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to deal with all the crazy women in this town." We both slump over from laughing so hard because this, folks, is not the first and I imagine not the last, time I will be dealing with the crazy feminists at a downtown bar.