Wow.

Crosspost "Difficult Marriage with 3 children" from /r/MuslimMarriage:

I am going to try to note down my journey the best I can however please forgive me for the manner it will be structured...
I am 5 years younger than my wife at 35 and my wife 40.
We have been married for 8 years and have 3 children - 7y girl, 5y girl, 2y boy

In all honesty from the the moment I met my wife, our relationship has always has had many ups and downs.
From the very beginning we had many areas that clouded our judgements when getting to know each other and therefore I think we made the wrong decision to when we decided to marry.

I met my wife through a mutual friend when she was going through a really bad time with her x husband.
A little history -
My wife had been married three times prior to me meeting her.
First time was via a long term university boyfriend at the age of 22. It was more of a formality due to her ex husbands religious background, and therefore she never considered this a real marriage but more to fulfil his husbands religious requirements.
They split up due to my wife being very argumentative and I believe she has never gotten over her first husband.

2nd husband was a big mistake. Her mother had tried to take her own life due to issues within her own marriage and it was soon after she split up with her first husband at the age of 24. She hardly got to know her 2nd husband and married with only the sense of wanting to be with someone.
He turned out to be a wife beater and controlled her every move and breath. Within 6 months of the marriage she fell pregnant and at 3 months of the pregnancy she experienced her first form of physical abuse.
Without too much further detail, over a space of 6 years and another child, he controlled her every movement, from who she spoke to, where she went, finances and any desires he expected. She was also cut off from seeing her own family and friends.

After 6 years and seeing the impact on her kids (she had two with him), she finally got the courage to leave her husband.
Her husband made it very difficult for her for the next couple of years from child custody to manipulation, to turning authorities against her.
He even played the children against their uncles by getting to make false allegations about their uncles sexually abusing them - Proven innocent at the end of it all.

Third Husband was at the age of 29 and to someone who was 25 years older than her and someone who was recommended to her to help with child custody.
As she had no support network, she trusted this man who also knew her x but on a level of trusted man in the community.
The man emotionally blackmailed her when she was already was at her lowest point in life and used it to his own predatory gain. She trusted him to help with with all her issues but instead he use the situation to his own advantage.
This lasted for 3 months which is when she left him.

I met her a few months after that.
My background - Only child, not been married before and never had an actual long term relationship prior to meeting her. I hadn't had many relationships before meeting her (out of choice) and would go as far as saying I was inexperienced with dealing with a long term relationship. I have many friends and have always been very sociable.

My wife is highly academically intelligent, has a well respected and paid job and even though she had been through a lot ,I felt for this soft natured personality that had been taken advantage of multiple times.
I spent the next 9 months getting to know her and in this time she was dealing with child care issues with her 2nd husband and still getting over all that she had experienced in the last few years.

The 2nd husband, whilst 6 months into our relationship, abducted her children and took them abroad. This also added to the stress and grief she had already gone through.
After all that had happened and witnessing first hand on the manipulation of the 2nd Husband, I felt I could save her, re-lift her and be someone finally that was genuine and would actually take care and cherish her, as she deserved.
At the time I did not look into it but looking back, she didn't really get to know me at all but she always said at that time I was everything she had always been looking for...
Prior to our marriage I did question a few times if we were right for each other to get married and I did recognise she had a lot of anger problems which were starting to show, however I guess due to the intense journey I had joined her on, inexperience and a natural sense of loyalty of being through the journey of her loosing her children, I suppressed my thoughts.

At the time I even advised her of what I felt were my flaws were and where we may have issues with compatibility but she promised me that I was everything she wanted and she would never allow us to get into an area like now...
Without going into too much more detail, sorry I know I have gone on and on, it has been a very challenging and naturally distressing journey to date for my wife.

We have had three beautiful children since marriage and we have tried to maintain a marriage that I believe was never well suited to each other. We have many core differences and we constantly argue. My wife is professionally and academically in a higher position than myself.
I have always allowed my wife, in the last 8 years, to have free reign to most of the decisions required in life (not a good trait, I inherited it from my family and up bringing).

I have hardly ever said no to most things that my wife wants and if I do, she always challenges me in a manner that I end up always giving in.
In the most recent years we are constantly disagreeing and arguing over most things. She has started going for counselling on her own accord for the last few months however it is just getting worse and with our kids getting older and with their natural challenges, it is even getting more stressful.

Whilst this lock down, I am noticing whilst working from home, she is so aggressive and impatient with our children.

Why I am here -
We recently had a big argument in the car in front of our kids and our eldest child was really impacted by it. He cried for the first time due to us arguing.
We argue at least once a week for so many years now and I don't want this impacting our children any more.
Over the last few years my anger during these arguments are getting worse and whilst I never would raise my hands, I can say some hurtful things by bringing up her past...
My wife has thrown things at me in the past and once I did threaten to leave her, she forced the garden door onto her arm...
I apologise again for the lack of structure of the above, my head is all over the place and I just want a happy life.
I do not believe my wife is a bad person at all.In fact I think she is the better person than the two of us, she is a very good mother when she is calm and happy and I know deep down and she talks about it as well, she wants the nest and happiest life for us all, especially the kids.
What can/should we do, as whilst we have allowed ourselves to live in a toxic marriage, I will not allow my children to experience this any longer...