My Story:

tl;dr It isn't over until it is over.

I met my LTR 5 years ago at the gym. At the time, I was an alpha (<10% bf, top 10% earner in my city, three plates at a given time and a 6'2" white male in a city of overweight Hispanics), but not unplugged. I had some ideas congruent with TRP, but wasn't 100% there. I started an LTR with a girl whom I allowed to emasculate me slowly over the course of five years.

Two years ago I moved to a city where my race and income are insignificant. I moved us here after failing a colossal shit test: she found out about my plates. She said she was planning to move in with a friend in our current city before she met me. How dare I have other interests before we decided to become monogamous? To "make things right," I shifted my entire life to one of her design by changing jobs and moved us up here.

My dad gave me the single-worst piece of advice I'll likely ever get: relationships take compromise. A happy woman is a happy relationship. Consider the source: a twice divorce-raped, single man with no retirement, equity or prospects to speak of.

Three years later, I was unhappy in a new city and my new friends knew it. I had quit the gym to spend more time with her. I discussed every difficulty I had at my new job with her. After all, aren't couples supposed to communicate? I took her advice wholeheartedly (most of the time an insult, followed by "don't do that any more," followed by an insult) and shaped my relationships accordingly (later I found that everyone considered me annoying and insincere because of this). I quit my hobbies because they hemorrhaged attention from her. I turned into the "man" she wanted me to be, rather than the one who gave her tingles.

One of my new friends showed me TRP. I got back in the gym, started up hobbies and read books on masculinity.

I unplugged in March of this year. Read the sidebar, hit the gym, pursued my own interests and attempted to develop frame. We started couples counseling the same month. Not that I was keeping score, but the counselor took my side more than half the time.

My LTR was unhappy at the growing reality of losing her beta bux. Initially, we separated with the idea of going monk mode and reconvening a few months later. I realized my BB habits were too ingrained, was unable to hold frame and would never be a strong, masculine figure to her and so I ended the relationship.

What Happened Next Neither of us wanted nastiness, so I didn't shut her out completely. Problem was that by not doing this, I was still in her frame.

When we broke up, she wanted me to pay her back the money she spent improving my house (her name is on nothing, mortgage, bills, etc), an amount greater than $5,000. Initially, I told her I'd give her a bit less than $3,000 of BYE FELICIA money. Later I had a realization: she hadn't helped out with rent or any bills in the last two years. She only paid half the bills when we moved in together three years before that. Why should I give her anything? This is when the mean text messages and emails started. Why? I had the audacity to tell her no.

And then guess what happened after that? She entered my house --at a time she knew me to be at work-- using a key she told me she didn't have, to get the mail I'd been collecting for her. I was livid. My perimeter had been breached. Fortunately my roommate was there to confront her. However, she didn't leave after this. She said she was just getting mail, showed him the mail she was taking, but then went to my room and used my computer, rather than leaving directly.

I called the cops who said this was a civil matter. Because she was getting mail delivered there and entered using a key, she had a right to be there and I couldn't file charges.

Lessons Learned You may want to stay amicable with your ex. That's fine. Maybe you can succeed where I failed --but go DEFCON 5. Change your work and gym schedules because she knows them. Do you have a ritual of going to a specific restaurant, park or cafe at a certain time or day? Not anymore, you don't. Change all your passwords (bank and bills should be obvious, but don't forget Amazon, eBay and anything else connected to your financials,). She gave back the key? Great. Change your locks anyway. Don't forget mini storage, sheds and the like. People may call you paranoid, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you rent, pay the fee to change the locks or get your own locks. Save the old locks and change them back before you move out. It's not hard to swap out a deadbolt. Change the pin / swipe pattern on your phone and tablets. Are your windows locked? Screw them shut if you have to.

Check the surveillance laws in your state and record all interactions you have with her. My ex came to my house to get some things she left when she moved out. Had I recorded our conversation, I would have had the evidence I needed to press charges when she entered unlawfully.

The morale of the story is AWALT: what women say and what they do are frequently opposites. Don't think for a second that her army of ego-fluffers won't convince her what a bad person you are and to do something uncivilized. Should this start happening, change your phone number, block her email addresses and block her on whatever messaging apps you use. This will force her to come to you *where she will be in your frame.** If you can't hold frame- if your frame even hints at cracking, tell her to leave. The last time I talked to my ex in person, I told her I'd give her five minutes when she said she wanted to "talk"- (hamster) about a few things. I told her she had five minutes. I kept an eye on the clock and after the same I told her that was all the time I had for her and that she needed to leave.

Where I'm Going Next: My own counselor told me this is a transition phase: I have the opportunity to walk into who I want to be for the next phase of my life. Who I want to be is someone who isn't a pushover. A rug. Someone who can't say no. It may be hard, take longer, cost more money and even incur a legal battle to get my ex off my back, but it will be on my own terms and I'll be a free and powerful man when it's over.

Know the weather, know the terrain, and your victories will be limitless --Sun Tzu