Deleted previous and reposted to fix the title typo.

Hey everyone, long-time lurker but new poster. I've really appreciated learning some wisdom from this community because I find that it's difficult to discuss these concepts and this lifestyle in my immediate circle for various reasons. This post covers what I've learned through my efforts and failures over the past month to help others and also solicit feedback.

Apps used & experience

-Bumble (Bad)

-Coffee Meets Bagel (Best)

-PoF (Bad)

-Happn (Good)

-OKC (Bad)

-Tinder (OK)

The high-level summary is that CMB and Happn are the best IMO. I believe that CMB helps men because it creates artificial scarcity, forces timelines on them, and minimizes the profile mess-ups that men make but might not see. Happn has few matches but eliminates a lot of the logistics problems that often crash and burn first encounters. OKC / POF suck because there is excessive noise so it is difficult to keep the woman's attention and there is more effort in the process which means more opportunities to screw up. Bumble is garbage unless you're a male model because the women feel empowered on the app and become much more selective--also, their algorithms make it difficult to have a fun conversation without getting flagged and blacklisted. Tinder is OK because it's efficient and the minimal personalization means men screw up less.

Attraction enables opportunities, but your wit and personality are what bring everything home. Find your best photos or get a friend to take professional shots and use photofeeler.com to get an idea of what is your best presentation and picmonkey to edit photos.

My learnings are that, once you've got solid photos and a pretty decent profile (less is more—don’t feel pressure to add many photos or say a lot if it is weak or not excellent), make sure that your messaging is consistent with your profile and that you do not set off any alarms with potentially 'creepy' statements. Women seemed to have become hyper-sensitive to anything that feels similar to PUA material, so drop that. Even a funny line that may get a laugh despite being dirty may kill your chances. (e.g. "Sit on my face and I'll eat my way to your heart" is pretty funny, but then falls flat afterwards because it's creepy)

Online dating is not the best for most men, but the lack of success is great motivation to hone key attributes such as looks, fitness, presentation, and subtext in communication which help you succeed overall. I already was decently successful in day-to-day approaching but my struggle with online dating fueled my hunger unlike anything else. I aim to perfect it and achieve my goal of lazy abundance so I no longer have to 'try' to get a hot woman. In a sense, online dating feels like going to the gym to me because it forces me to work on my gaps (fitness, mentality, subtext) which I’ve been able to compensate with using my confidence, wit, and persistence.

Over the course of the past month, I've been on dates with about 12 different women and I've closed entirely on 2. The initial ones are the ones that failed the worst since I failed to create a compelling experience due to logistics / timing. The last 4 have been solid and I'm likely going to going to be keeping 3 of them around.

Learnings are:

  1. Logistics are key! Lunches / coffee chats are doomed from the start because there isn’t enough time to bounce and get deep one-on-one time. Night time meetups are essential IMO, and you need to think about backup plans in case shit goes wrong (e.g. AC breaks in a restaurant), so know the area very well for good improvisation. It's a huge plus if you can tie the area to high-value stories (e.g. this is where I interviewed for my first job out here, this is where I workout, etc).

  2. The pre-meetup, as in texting on site or via phone, is not where you win the battle. It is merely a means to get a chance to show how awesome you are in person. Do not think that messaging on the phone can win someone over, no matter how good it is. Also, don’t call because that is likely to lead to a rejection. Maybe use it as a last resort to save a failing attempt, but I find that there is no good reason to call.

  3. Eye contact. Stare intently at them and move slowly during conversation. Act as if you’re studying for your dream job and read their body and listen to their non-verbal cues. If you do not, they will see you as intimidated and will be massively turned off.

  4. Keep the conversation about them as much as possible without coming off as an investigator—make it a fun game where you sprinkle in a bit about yourself. I play ‘spot the lie’ where each of us says a truth and a lie, and a correct guess lets you ask whatever you want about the other person.

  5. With the check, there isn’t a single right choice. What I do is I see if the woman motions to get her card. If she does, complement her and say that you appreciate the gesture and that you don’t normally pay but she seems to be a good person (I have the means to do so). If she expects that me to pay, I read the situation—is she a poor person, am I very well off, etc—and then I make a call. If I like her or her cost was low, I’m fine with paying but I make it clear that I normally don’t pay.

  6. Communication frequency is important. I’ve been very busy because I was juggling about 10 women at once and setting up the dates / texting while having a life and I ended up messaging each about once per day. Many see this as disinterest and they fall off because of it. I don’t know if this is a bad thing or good thing because it filters those that aren’t really into you possibly, but we’ll see. I also strongly disagree with the idea of going radio silent after setting up a date, at least the first date. You haven’t won the person over so they are likely to flake because they have no reason to have comfort with you.

  7. Look as much like your profile as possible. There is an instant turn-off if you look different, even if it’s for the better, because it signals dishonesty. I’ve had a third of the dates mention that I look exactly like my profile and that it’s refreshing.

  8. Escalate, escalate, escalate, and do it naturally. If I’m having a good dinner and her pupils are screaming (eye-contact men), I excuse myself to the restroom and quickly give her a peck on the lips as I walk past. It gives her time to think about it, it isn’t awkward or needy, and it’s a fun surprise that makes the rest of the escalation happen easily.

  9. Realize what type is attracted to your true image and focus on those. This becomes easier to spot after you’ve engaged enough and you’ve tailored your profile’s communication style. You will not attract everyone, ever. So don’t try. Figure out who you want to be, communicate that version of yourself (aspirational or real), and focus your efforts on that type. You will burn out if you’re not being your true self, and your acting will fail to impress, unless you’re a great actor which is still a shit situation because you’ll get tired.

  10. Research them as much as possible. It is amazing what can be done using a name, an employer, a location, occupation, etc. It’s normally possible to find someone from a first name, employer, and location using LinkedIn, which then translates easily to Facebook which gives you an idea if they are a real person, what their social life looks like, etc. I found one’s travel blog and it made the process of catching her attention like shooting fish in a barrel.

  11. Genuine interest and communication leads to a genuine connection that lingers. An absolute stunner, blond Ukrainian model that does yoga, reads, etc, is into me and actively making an effort because we have a lot in common that cannot be faked. My Dad passed 5 years ago as did hers both from cancer, both only children, neither of us like dating Americans (I’m American), etc. No amount of entertainment can replace that genuine feeling of ‘fate’. Make ‘fate’ your wingman by teasing out those strong similarities.

  12. Happy memories are powerful, so uncover those happy and carefree moments. I like to ask: “Who was your first crush and what did you do about it”. I have a kickass story about my first girlfriend which is fun, funny, cute, and most people treasure their first crush. That joy will then spill over into the time together.

  13. Don’t flinch at shit tests. One of the women I was out with had really confused body language on our 2nd meetup, and I called her out on it because she would go from having fun and laughing to seeming a tad reserved—body facing me with legs leaning toward me but crossed arms. She said that she didn’t know if she wanted to go home with me and make-out after I invited her over for wine and a movie after. Later that night, while drinking wine and watching the movie, she then said that she was confused on why she was interested in me because I’m not a model, I’m not filthy rich, and I’m not a super genius, and she’s had all of those guys and I’m not her type. It didn’t phase me and I just ignored the comment.

  14. Read, have a life outside of dating, uncover your passions. No amount of ‘material’ makes up for being a shell of a human being. I’ve taken up yoga, boating, hiking, and other stuff. It makes it easy to send photos about awesome shit I’m doing which requires no wit and communicates value and an exciting life.

  15. Abundance mentality is essential. I realized that I had adopted this mentality the moment that I had an upcoming meetup cancel because she felt that the match didn’t meet what she was looking for, and I felt relief because I was tired from going out every night that week but I didn’t want to cancel because I’m focused on learning and pushing myself. I just said cool and moved on.

I still have a lot to learn and need to get better at logistics, sexual escalation, and creating stronger attraction, but I’ve made solid progress and things will only get easier as I continue to work toward the 6 pack (15 lbs down and 15 to go). Win as much of the battle as possible before the battle even begins.

People say online dating is not substitute for approaching and real interaction, and I wholly agree, but online dating is so superficial that it creates a great motivator to develop essential solid communication subtext, fitness, and craft an image and find your niche. Approaching 100 people online is a lot easier than 100 in person and you’ll soon be able to sniff out what type likes you. Find out where they are and you’ll be the alpha in your domain.