New too subreddit not sure if new to redpill ideology.

My whole early life, for majority of my time, I was surrounded mostly by female family members. Two sisters, all female cousins except for one (whose sexuality was always second guessed), and both grandfathers passed before birth. Had a great dad but because of work he obviously wasn't home as much as my mom. Still I grew up seeing women as equals, if not something to be avoided, because even before I was old enough to consider relationships, I knew girls in general hated each other. So I have always been pretty shy around them in social settings, if not cautious. I was 18 before I attempted to even ask out a girl. When I did, I got into the start of a pretty good LTR in which we shared a lot of firsts, and when together almost always had a good time. Years passed. I made the decision to end it when I realised that our lives were growing apart. She wasn't making any efforts to stay with me, and I could tell I was not a priority or important to her. She cried(she cried pretty easily I digress) when I ended it, but she understood. We stayed friends but hardly talk to each other now. Breaking up with her was probably the last real alpha/TRP move I've ever made. (In retrospect, she probably would of started cheating on me if she hadn't already since we were apart so much and she admitted that she would never be able to be the one to end a relationship.) But because things were good with her, and I ended it, I've held on to this burden that I possibly made the wrong decision. I'll think that I'll never find someone I'll be as happy with as I was with her. Since then, I've tried the hookup culture (hated it) and tried dating (everyone treated me like the beta fuck I was now becoming; cheating, getting different bf next day, not putting out etc.). I spiraled into an ugly depression, which as of the past few months I've only just started coming out of This is mostly because I'm back home and have received a lot of support from family and friends. Now, I want to become independent, I don't want to be a chump, but it's like there's this wall in my brain that's preventing me from trying to find a job, moving out, and becoming the person I want to be. Even years after breaking up with my ex I still wonder if I made the right choice. This is the first subreddit that's seemed to resonate with my struggles, and I feel like you guys might be able to give me some advice/motivation to start putting myself out there again.

TLDR; Used to think I knew myself, now I'm not so sure.