Nice guys give everything in order to get something.

Good guys take everything in order to give something.

Nice Guy Fallacy

The problem nice guys have is that they give with an unspoken intent of bartering their kindness for specific kindness in return. They believe in rewarding any behavior will result in getting anything they want in return. However, as a lot of us know, rewarding behavior indiscriminately only fuels bad behaviors as desired ones don't matter.

By forgiving someone that cheats on you in the expectation of getting better loyalty, you're only teaching that betrayal is desirable and that loyalty does not matter. Actions matters, words are farts in the wind. If you reward someone who does not fulfil your wants and needs, they fill their own because it's MORE REWARDING for themselves and from you.

The Good Guy - How to kind without being pathetic

Start saying what you want and take it when it comes. Tell people about what you want, what you need, and things you like. Focus on what you are missing and make it known nonchalantly. For instance, I love food and I love people bringing me free food to me where I am. So around people when I get food, free food, or food delivered to me, I bring up how awesome it is to get free food brought to me. When you get something you want or need, and only when you get something you want or need do you consider being kind. Never be kinder than the kindness you are shown.

In the food example, people who bring me free food, I will get them food, but they have to come to me to get it. They have to work for the kindness and I have to have gotten kindness first. Kindness should be reward that at best equals, never outweighs what you get. Rewards should also be in balance with how you value what you get with what you give.

Bartering - Trading less for more while making it seem more for less

The last step in becoming a good guy is finding something the person you're rewarding treats as high value for them but a low value for you. You want them to feel like they're getting equal or better for what they've done or gotten you without costing you more than the value of what you got.

Statements of appreciation: thank yous; you're the best; I don't care what everyone else says, you're amazing

Physical affection: hugs; kisses; sex; pats on the shoulder with a short massage

Public statements of appreciation: tell someone else in front of them what they did and how awesome they are

There are lots of ways to offer low value, low cost rewards for those who fulfil wants or needs without investing more than you get. The key is to never reward for someone unless they provide a high value want or need fulfillment first. Nice guys give all to take some back, good guys take all to give some back.

A lot of people often are just seeking validation, recognition, or appreciation and will give you enormous value in return for verbal tokens of those. Sometimes something as remembering their name, some details about their lives, or remembering some issue in their lives and checking up on them on it. It's extremely easy to wager your words for actions of others that benefit yourself.

Lessons from my father, a natural alpha.