I turned out to be 6'2", I've got a pretty face and I'm a strong guy.

When I was born, my parents were together, at the age of 5 my parents got a divorce and the divorce was messy. I've only realized later that the way my mother acted really may have fucked up my chance at being a natural alpha since the beginning. I mean, my dad was a natural alpha, and I'm bigger, taller and just as handsome as he is, so why wasn't I ever really good at girls from a young age?

Well, my mother was/is a bit crazy, she's brazillian, always been a party girl, got married and had children really young (I'm 19 and she's like 42) and then got divorced after 15 years. I remember my mom being scary, throwing my father's shit on the floor when he wasn't home, screaming, crying, stuff I still remember years after, she would also miss out on her promises very often, drink, go to rehab, drink some more, lie, etc.

My dad always acted as RP and as alpha as I've ever seen anyone do. So why the fuck didn't I turn out like him?

I believe my mother made me scared of girls or at the very least distrustful of them. My first girl related experience actually should've happened amazingly well but I fucked it up because I had no sense of how a man should act with a woman (A girl liked me, and I liked her, but I never did anything towards making a relationship possible. I even remember a few years later asking her to be my girlfriend, she SAYING YES and then saying no when I told her I still found kissing "icky"). I never saw my parents do it too often or at all for that matter.

Then for a few years, had an existential crisis, started hating women completely and unhealthily for a few years until I finally realized who/what/why I was.

Now, around the age of 17 to 19(now), I realized that I actually have a gift of what I like to call Absolute Empathy (my friend calls it the Curse of Thinking, but sometimes you can turn weaknesses into strengths) which meant that I could easily and absolutely put myself in other people shoes, almost to a point that I could almost feel like I was EVERYONE in a group of people, which can be a bit weird to explain. This helped me understand girls a little bit and was what caused me to look for help because I wanted to understand them more, and now here I am.

Now, self-impositions of surreal abilities and overrating of one's self aside, do you think, by your opinion, that actions done by my mother could have subsequently caused me to turn into a beta, when I had all the resources to become a natural alpha?

I was pretty popular as a kid, and I can make a lotta people laugh, but for some reason, I get the feeling that my parents divorce could have fucked up my head, because of all their fighting could have made me a bit scared of people and interaction in general.

My entire teenage/highschool life consisted of me being a social reject and playing video games, when now that I'm just slightly older and out of high school that I realized I actually have pretty good social skills and humour and before, when I was on highschool I couldn't get laid even if my life depended on me, but on the 2 first weeks of uni I scored an 8 and a 9.

At the end of the day, this is more of a "let out" of emotions and a ponder of what could have been. I do realize that I am responsible for becoming what I will become in the future and I am working my way to becoming an alpha, regardless of whether I was dethroned by shitty first conditions or was really just a pure beta this whole time.

Edit: I should add that even though I observed my father being alpha, I didn't learn from him, not because I feel like I was beta all along but because I only realized how alpha he was around the age of 17 to 19, because during most of my childhood he worked hard and wasn't in the house very often so I was basically raised by various maids and houseladies. My dad had the power over me and my sister rather than my mom. So yeah, I lived with my absent dad.