EDIT: Clearly this is not advice. This is an example of me headed down the wrong path and how I let my previous issues guide me there. This is a cautionary tale. Telling me that I acted stupid is pointless. That is the point of this post.

Hey TRP, I have a lot of shit on my mind that I need to vent before I explode. I know it's a long post but bear with me.

It all started a week after high school graduation. Cut to an 18-year-old, chubby, blue pilled, friendless, hopeless romantic me. A stupid kid who thinks that finding a woman will solve all his problems and finally make him content with all his shortcomings in the world.

Up until then it had been a regular day. That's when my mother informed me that she was diagnosed with stage four uterine cancer. She and I had an extremely antagonistic relationship. Most of the time I hated her. But at the end of the day she was my mother and I loved her very much.

The doctor gave her an estimated lifespan of 5 years but when the cancer spread to her lungs that quickly dropped to 1. She got so sick she couldn't leave the house. She would just lie in bed. She even needed a seat installed in the bathroom she could take a shower.

I promised that I would stay with her, that I would stay by her side until this thing was through. And i did. For the whole year. In that entire time I could count the times that I left the house on less than 10 fingers. All I did was sit and eat. I got fatter and fatter. And on the occasion that I did go out I noticed that the woman who surrounded me grew more and more repulsed.

My mother's condition worsened and she was moved to an ICU. Two days later I was informed that she was dead. When I was told this I let out a defeated sigh. Nothing more. I am stoic and well composed. But that night I go home, I lay down on my bed. I feel the absence of her presence, the silence, the white noise of electronics echoing throughout the house.

I'm sprawled out on the bed, My body is aching, waiting for some imaginary person to comfort me, to hold onto me and tell me that things will be okay. That is when I realize I haven't felt the sensation of human touch in over a year...

I fucking lose it.

I cry harder than I have ever cried before. I am completely and utterly alone.

When I sought out women I now not only repulsed them with my body but with my total desperation for human companionship.

This carries on for another six months before I finally decide to do something about it. I make the decision that I want to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. At this point I am 225 pounds, too fat to enlist. But my recruiter assures me if I come in for training and give it my all that I can be eligible to become a United States Marine. within seven months I am 150 pounds.

I start to notice a difference in the way that girls look at me. Over time they become less and less repulsed by me, and eventually they even seem attracted.

No longer am I forced to wear the same baggy hoodie every day in an attempt to hide my fat. I'm able to buy nice clothes, slim fitting clothes that accent my muscular Physique. I feel great.

I'm now confident to move onto Tinder. I have several one night stands, my self-esteem increasing with every passing one.

And that's when I came across her. "The girl who ruined it all". This was by far the most attractive girl I had ever seen. I immediately swipe right. And while I now have a very high sense of self-esteem I'd never assume that she would swipe right on me. But within a span of few minutes she did. After a bit of piss talking we have set up a date.

The night is amazing. Like something out of a movie. So exciting and event filled it would take a post twice as long as this one to catalog it all.

We end up back at her place and begin to make out. But there's something off. This kiss is different from the other girls. So passionate. I have never felt more alive. When all is done, we curl up next to each other on the bed. Her hands interlock with mine. My finger slides up and down her palms, so delicate and soft.

My mind jumps back. I finally found that person I had been reaching out to over one year ago. It's like a hole in my chest has finally been filled. And while I've been able to laugh and enjoy myself in the past, this is the first time that I feel truly happy. I wished that I could lay there with her forever but I have to catch a train home at five in the morning, so reluctantly I leave.

When I wake up I receive a few texts from her asking her where she left her keys with a "btw i hope you got home safe" added as an afterthought. I try to hit her up again a few times. She grows more distant after every attempt, eventually blocking my number.

I get drunk and call her on another phone telling her "I figured out you ghosted me. Just wanted to let you know it feels really bad" Like any sane woman, she hangs up the phone.

She later unblocks me and makes up some lie about her camping and having a bad signal. I don't take the hint and continue to try and salvage the relationship. It gets so bad that eventually she stops acting subtle like women usually do and just tells me straight up:

"Look thanks for the memory. It was fun but honestly I'm not looking for anything serious and I thought you knew that. You're a nice guy but you live far away and I'm going to college going to college soon so yeah its not worth your time. I'm sorry I should have been straight forward."

I don't understand it. The things she said to me. The way she held my face as she kissed me. The way she looked into my eyes. Everything about her felt different. It was like the universe had finally given me happiness only for it to immediately be taken away.

All I do is think about her. Hours pass only for me to look at the clock and realize it's been 10 minutes. I try to next her, moving on to other plates. But when I'm with them all I can think about is her. When they embrace me all I think about is how i'd rather be in her arms.

I know that I should forget about her, but I can't. I go to the movies, read, anything to take my mind off her. She always creeps back in. I begin to have thoughts of suicide. I almost do it too before reeling myself back in. The thing is, because of my future with the USMC, I can't even get the help I need because getting counseling for this would disqualify me and ruin my career.

This girl did nothing wrong. I took my demons and personal problems and threw it all on her as if she could be the cure all. I still have a long way to go, I would get back with her in an instant if she called (she won't) and that would only escalate the problem.

But I think I've come far enough to say this. Never let a woman into your heart. That is something that must be earned. Because I sought her out, I forced something that wasn't there. And I turned what could have been a great memory of being with a beautiful girl into a downward spiral of depression and self harm.

Do not look to women to fix your problems, you can only do that your own. And whatever you do, do NOT get oneitis. It is much easier to prevent than it is to cure.