Hey all.

To be honest. It's difficult to type now. Even though I'm sedated by the speed and alcohol. I feel at peace, somehow, even though I struggle with the desire to quit my life every day. It just seems so much easier to quit.

My new life started November 2007. It seems such a long time ago though, but that was the moment I was diagnosed with cancer. Leukemia. I was 16 years old.

Now, I'm not really sure if I'm here to post some sort of motivational speech to keep your hopes up or just whine away about my personal problems. I'll try to do the first but I'm sorry if I devolve into the second.(and sorry if I'll just ramble away incoherently)

I'm almost 24 now, and I've been living in a permanent state of depression and despair since the moment I was done with the chemotherapy. That's six years of chaos. Every day (although the thought seems more distant every day) I dream about getting sick again and not being able to complete my goals. Every day I feel like the old man, looking back at his life to see all the thing that he hasn't accomplished.

Fuck, I'm not afraid to tell you that the tears are streaming down my face while I tell you this. The hard image I try to keep up and the respect I demand from the people around me is like a thin veneer coating my exterior. Inside I'm still broken and I don't know if it will ever be fixed.

Truly, I'm trying to get my life together. I'm finally living on my own. I have a stable job and I'm busy educating myself further. I lift every day and I get the attention that comes with it. Yet still somehow I just want it all to end.

Sorry if this post doesn't have a head, body, conclusion. I'm just here to tell you that I'm still fucking threading water. I should be emotionally stable, but I'm still threading. I still am. You guys give me reason to continue. To better myself. Just a little every day. I guess I can't ask any more. So thanks, you kept one person awake this night.