Summary: It's been about seven months since I was introduced to red pill by a close friend of mine. I am going to outline the phases I went through and how I progressed. I will stop at my current stage (anger) and vent a little. I want to keep it short but I'm very angry and have kept this bottled up for some time so bear with me if it gets a little lengthy.

Pre-red pill

Before the red pill, I was typical beta bux. I watched movies and listened to songs that gave me the idea of what I thought was the right way for a man to behave. I put other people's needs before myself. I also smoked a lot of weed. This constant need to be a selfless person led me to a deep hole of depression and anxiety. I fucked around with my workouts, woke up past 3pm and ate like shit. I also developed oneitis for a girl I met living on campus first year. I was not doing to well but I was coping and managing to continue everyday life.

Being presented the pill and denial

In mid-November, I contacted one of my friends who I had not talked to in a long time. I noticed how much progress he made in the gym and I wanted to ask him for advice. We started talking often and he dropped hints of red pill to me, eventually linking me to the subreddit. At first I read through it, not really bothering to read the sidebar. I scrolled through the posts, some of which made sense to me and others that I thought were completely misogynistic and wrong. I did not particularly agree with what I was reading but it intrigued me so I would occasionally sift through it from time to time.

In January, my anxiety reached a whole new level. I had several panic attacks a month. I was high nearly all the time. I couldn't think straight. I thought people were following me in my house. I had trouble sleeping because I was too paranoid of something happening when I wasn't on guard. One night I stayed sitting in my bed facing my door with a knife until I finally collapsed and passed out at 5am from exhaustion.

I was always turning down friends offers to go out. I stayed at home nearly all the time. I started skipping class. I did not do anything. I was too anxious and paranoid to function. This was by far the worst I'd felt in my life. This period of anxiety continued until the end of the year in April. I realized recently that this was my rock bottom.

Swallowing the pill and anger

In mid-April I had been about a month clean of weed. I was starting to get motivation back in my life. I cleaned up my diet a little. Started eating real food instead of frozen shit. I started hitting the gym regularly again, 3-4 times a week. I also quit drinking, although that was never really a big problem for me. I looked at theredpill more often now, going through the sidebar and learning the terminology and theories (reading the handbook was especially helpful). Slowly, I noticed changes in my life. My mind was becoming more at ease. I was less anxious and worried all the time. I still had panic attacks once in a while but they weren't nearly as bad or as frequent as before. By late May, the majority of my anxiety had faded. I was never overly fat but never a physical specimen either. I started getting comments about how much weight I'd lost; I was looking better and happier than anyone had seen me in a while.

So now my anxiety had faded but it was, instead, replaced with anger. Mostly at feminists, but also women. I learned how manipulative they were, even my "flawless" oneitis. I realized they were all the same. I couldn't/can't take it. I get so angry just thinking about it. The only thing that keeps me going is the satisfaction I get from improving myself.

There have been a couple of times where I think to myself, "why am I doing this? Stuffing my face would be so much easier. Sleeping in would be so much better." Then I remind myself:

You hated the person you were when you did all that. So you keep moving forward so you'll never be that person again.

Lessons Learned:

  1. AWALT (obviously). No matter how perfect they seem, it's all a ruse. They are just as manipulative as every other woman and when you realize it, it will destroy you. But you are a man, so you will pick yourself up and rebuild yourself, no matter how many times you have to do it.

  2. The only way to combat weak emotions like fear and anxiety is through the use of a strong one such as ambition.

  3. You will be in the anger stage for a very long time. I entered the anger stage in April, and I thought I was finally getting over it but it recently just intensified.

*Edit: spelling and grammar

**Edit: I realized this whole post is very negative and does not show me much in a positive light. At the moment I am completely worry free. I am genuinely happy and making improvements everyday. I'm also back to normal social interactions and am very successful in everyday life. Redpill helped a lot with that but it was also my determination to change.