I cheated on my fiance about a month ago. For the past month I have been working diligently to try to understand why I was not strong enough to resist the urge to cheat. Some of it is surely just pure Coolidge effect. I was about a year into lifting, fixed up my teeth, got a better haircut, started dressing a little nicer. All part of my MAP, (male action plan) to become my best self, and part of dread game, to improve my sex life with my partner.
We had deteriorated into 1 blowjob a month or less. She was completely incapable of orgasm, and was therefore losing interest in sex completely. We would talk about how sex was not pleasurable for her at all, and usually painful. She took to using a vibrating toy on me to help keep me satisfied and prevent her pain. She would still have sex with me about 80% of the times I initiated, just to keep me from drifting away, but it was so bad that it left me extremely unfulfilled. Sometimes she would just talk about her day or things she wanted to tell me as we were doing it. And often when I looked at her she just had a grimace on her face. She was basically just letting me use her body to masturbate. There was no passion whatsoever. This went on for a few months, and we never resolved it before the cheating occurred. She was starting to read books on why the sex was so painful for her. She thought it was due to her birth control. Maybe it was. I was too selfish and impatient to wait for the answer. The fact that she was trying her best to improve really makes me feel like an asshole.
When I cheated, I found that orgasm was not the only thing I was after, it was validation, approval, moaning, sweating. I needed to know that I had sexual value, that I was more than just a provider of material security. In the hour I spent with my other partner, I felt more sexual validation than I had felt in the last 6 months in my relationship. I wanted to bask in it, to just melt into the bed and my partner. It was everything I needed in that moment. But I had to get back to work, I had a life to maintain. I had to finish my work, study for my exam, and get home to my fiance or else face her anger.
The guilt began to mount and I finally brought up the incident of cheating with my AA sponsor. I had told him about the times I hit on women when out at bars with friends. He warned me of the dangers of doing that. I didn't care to listen. I wanted to feel that surge of adrenaline. I found that I was extremely successful with women. I had learned some dating game theory and could apply it well, as I was comfortable socializing without alcohol after 4 years sobriety and therefore always had my wits about me and could be one step ahead. It’s also easy to be confident when you know you have a fiance to go home to.
I fed the fantasy for months, watching youtube videos about Tinder and lifting and wanting so badly to hook up with anyone other than my fiance. I even made subtle advances on her best friend who seemed that she might be a willing partner. I had cheated in the past with my ex’s best friend in a blackout, and the best friend never told her. I was secretly hoping that if I could communicate my interest, I could get something similar to happen with her, and she would not tell out of fear of losing her friendship. She found out because I had changed my snapchat name to talk with girls on tinder, not realizing that she would be notified by snapchat. When she found out and questioned me I came clean immediately, at least to the fact that I had been talking to other girls behind her back. I still haven't told her that I had sex with another woman.
The breaches of trust started long before the actual consummation of the infidelity. In my mind, it started when, the day after our first love-making, she said, “I love you” as I dropped her off at her parents home. I said “I love you too”, not out of love, but out of fear of the difficult emotions I knew would result from the truth. This was about 4 years ago. I certainly did develop love for her over the years, but I also kept the pattern of lying to avoid conflict.
She would often bring up when her needs weren’t being met in the relationship, while I was incapable of doing so. When she felt I was not committing enough time, she would tell me. On this I was somewhat able to stand my ground. God, she was persistent. She really loved me, she obsessed over me and it felt so good to be so important to someone. I think deep down she knew that she would never be as important to me as I was to her.
I failed to bring up my dissatisfaction with our sex life. When I felt that our sex life was deteriorating, I started learning from /r/deadbedrooms and /r/marriedRedPill how to reignite passion in the relationship. I quickly learned that passion could not be reignited by talking. Only action, leadership, lifting, assertiveness, and becoming high-value could do that. So I lifted, I worked harder at work and got a promotion. Started getting more active in AA which was really important to me.
My graduate school graduation party may be the thing that brought it all to a head, I never told her how terrible I felt about having a graduation party that celebrated something that I had not yet achieved. I hated the pressure that it put on me to finish both my final class and my final project all at once, with a deadline that was impossible. Plus she wanted me to fix up the house to prepare for the party, and buy an expensive furniture set so we could show how perfect our life was to the world. In some ways, my infidelity was an expression of this resentment. A way of pulling the structure on my head so that I wouldn’t have to go on pretending. It’s exhausting keeping up appearances. She still has no idea how I felt about all this, and I never took the time to explaining it to her.
The real problem was the fear that I was not good enough to finish my grad school project and have it be something worthwhile. I never levelled with her about that, and instead distracted myself from the mounting pressure by going on Tinder and snapchat and finding a way to get my sexual needs met without the extreme pressure that I felt in my current relationship.
I now have attended my first SLAA meeting, dealing with people who have consequences from unhealthy sexual relationships. The literature seems very helpful so far. I will go to another meeting tonight. I know that this event is not the end, I know that it is just a beginning. The pain I feel now will propel me to more spiritual growth, and better communication and relationships in the future.
